u ever have a friend where when u text them they are kind and pleasant and inquire about things and then when u see them in person they behave like you just tried to pry the garbage they rummaged for from their hands like a raccoon in the city

sometimes i want to be an idea in someone’s head so badly. i want to be the person that they’ve met a few times and crafted a story for. something heart-wrenching and beautiful. i want to exist as an idea to someone else instead of a person. 

.

today was the most rough therapy session i think i've had in a while

my littlest of girls what if I started screaming :(

.

instagram telling me that my dead friend "wants to follow me on threads" is literally driving me insane im going to start screaming

I’m sincerely considering moving to ao3 only and just having this blog as a main for analysis n updates n occasional fic talk n personal stuff.

i did a speed paint

here’s the time lapse video :))

was overheard saying “I’m going to kill everyone with the same sense of style as me” while shopping for bathing suit tops in target today.

im talking abt this here bc uhhhhhhh i don’t wanna put it on my main blog but as my writing evolves and gets better, it becomes more fascinating to see the direction my work takes. like it does it all on it’s own. i find themes and meaning and stories within the story. but it’s also really interesting to see WHAT it is i want to write about. 

i used to stick almost exclusively to smut. I had a few angst fics, but overall i wrote an overwhelming amount of smut. now, im way more focused on the emotional development of the characters i’m writing. not just in a sexual or romantic way, but in a personal way. and i have the skillset to articulate that (which is SUPER cool). smut is actually what i struggle with the MOST now, because the kind i write (which used to be mostly gratuitous) now serves a narrative purpose. 

like as an example, i used to be able to churn out smut fics daily with no real meaning behind them. i could do it all day and i didn’t notice the shortcomings in my writing. now though, my fics and stories mostly revolve around some kind of emotional or social dilemma that is SEPARATE from the smut of the story (if there even is any). i’m writing an aki fic at the moment called “flamingo” and i’m about 11k words into it. originally it was intended to just be an age gap fic, but it evolved very quickly into a fic about cheating and the experience of marriage and the sacrifices we make when we choose to spend our lives with someone. but even then, as i was writing, it turned into a fic about the concept of motherhood and personhood. i would have nEVER been able to write something like that a few years ago. it would have been so beyond my scope of language and knowledge that it wouldn’t have even crossed my mind, whereas now, it’s partly unconscious and i’m able to develop it further once i pick up on it. 

i dunno, it’s just really unique to be able to not only SEE that growth but to be able to notice it in my thinking and writing patterns. like not just when i read old work back, but when i am actively writing or even just thinking about what types of stories i’d like to create. it’s really cool. 

y’all ever have those days where it feels like the past is literally haunting you? like you think about someone in particular and it’s like you can’t really shake the feeling of them? and all you can do is regret and ache and try to be grateful for what you have now? because even though it’s different and you don’t have that close of a relationship, they’re still in your life? it’s like you can’t lament them because the relationship never died but you still think about those times as if it were a different person. and you just get so angry at yourself that things aren’t that way anymore?

tw: vent, talk about suicide (not me obviously), mentions of death, grief, personal stuff

okay so i’ve been trying for a while to put my feelings into words about what’s been happening in my personal life and im finding it increasingly difficult to talk about it, so im just gonna try and get it out here and hope that it helps me process it.

on thursday, a friend i have known since i can remember committed suicide. i got the call from my mom while i was at work. it’s really difficult to describe this particular kind of loss and what exactly is happening in my head but the majority of it is disbelief. i genuinely can’t believe it and im having trouble coming to terms with it. 

his funeral is on november 25th and i’ve made arrangements to go home. our community and friends have raised enough money to fly his body home and to pay for the funeral and absolutely none of it feels real. 

it’s hard to like... process it and come to understand it. and it’s hard knowing that there will never be closure as to why. it’s hard to accept that there’s no reason we’ll ever know and that he’s just... gone just like that. one minute here and the next gone. i can’t reconcile it. 

he was a really good kid. he was a good guy with a good heart. he was so smart, such an incredible athlete, and a role model for a lot of people in my community. he was a household name in my house for as long as i can remember. my mom loved him and watched him grow up and into the man he became. my sister and i grew up following in his foot steps both athletically and academically even though he was only a year above us. 

my mom spoke to his mom four days before and they talked about how excited he was to be getting back to school after a two year break. he was excited to start swimming for his school again. he’d made new friends who treated him well and was excited to turn over a new leaf this year and start fresh. 

all i can think about is him and where he is now. i can’t stop thinking about why or the type of pain he must have been in. to me, he’s still alive you know? like he’s still in the same place we left him, you know? i keep thinking about if he’s happy now and if he’s at peace. if he’s somewhere easier and finally resting. i keep thinking that i wish i could ask him, just to check.  

i don’t know. my sister was talking with a friend who told her “what he did is not who he was. he was sick. he was sick and his illness killed him and that’s all it was.” and i think that’s been helping me process. because i know that he was more than that. he’s always been more than the way he struggled and he always will be. it just feels impossible to fully accept that he’s gone and im at a true loss for the first time in my life. i won’t ever hear about him again. my sister will never swim with him again. i won’t ever see him again. i won’t ever hear my mom gush about his recent accomplishments again. 

it’s really hard to come to terms with. i wish i had a better way to articulate that, but it’s the most i can say. it’s hard and it’s scary and im so heartbroken that i don’t really know what to do with myself. it’s getting easier as the days go by but it still feels impossible. 

okay here’s my self portrait even tho no one asked

one thing u should know about me is that i hold onto hate forever.

I’m going to die.

ur bi

are you assigning me this 😭😭😭?

i dont normally pay too much mind to my follower count but i lost enough yesterday while i was talking about what the fuck HBO max and warner bros discovery are doing that i noticed... and that is just... kind of deeply saddening to me. 

i understand that being on the internet can become exhausting when bad news is constantly in front of our eyes and we can do nothing about it but i run a blog that literally CONSTANTLY talks about animated media. my blog is CENTERED around fandom that comes out of animated shows. that is literally... my entire blog. i myself am an artist and want to be an animator. 

ppl aren’t obligated to keep following me when i talk abt stuff that isn’t anime related but man.. if that wasn’t incredibly discouraging to see... idk what is. like they constantly consume animated media and then when i talk about the conditions or how POORLY people treat animators... they wanna pretend they don’t see it. like bro... this DIRECTLY impacts you because it isn’t only happening with HBO max. japanese animators are treated like shit too. and you wanna consume that media without even acknowledging it? you want this to be your final straw? you wanna pretend the artists behind the works you consume regularly don’t exist? fr? 

idk it was just disheartening and incredibly disappointing to see. a bummer... one might say.