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specialmindz · 5 years

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“LOOK SNAS! Weaves.” Papyrus held out his gloves to show his brother the handful of wet leaves he had picked off the ground, wearing a big smile…though it was a tad TOO big for Sans liking…

“yep, those are leaves all right...you’re not gonna eat those are ya’?”

“Course’ not stink head,” said the baby bones, slightly insulted. “Unlike you big Buther, I knows the difference between clothes and food. You think the baby be stupid?”

“i don’t eat trees and those aren’t clothes. trees don’t wear leaves to stay warm, otherwise they wouldn’t be on the ground come winter.”

“They’re hats Snas, and hats are clothes. Twees doesn’t wear them during winter cause’ they all worn out,” Papyrus picked up a leaf. “See dis leaf? It gots holes in it. Not good. They needs new hats.”

“no they don’t, the leaves collect sunlight for them so they can get energy, pappy. There’s holes in them because insects are eating them.”

Apparently, he thinks I’M stupid…

“Not erybody a twee-eating woah-bot Snas…sides’ we’s underground silly bones!”

“i’m not-”

“And the sun don’t go out in winter! Nyeh heh heh!”

Sans gave his brother a look, but stayed silent. He knew full well that his younger sibling was just waiting for him to argue so he could start some kind of drama and he wasn’t going to give the infant the satisfaction. Papyrus knew about the sun lamps that hung from the mountain ceiling and if he wanted to pick a fight about something that stupid, he was going to have to try a little harder than that.

I wish he’d put his energy to good use…I know he’s just a baby, but he’s smart right? He could do some real good for the Underground if he’d just try. Why does he wanna act stupid and annoy people all the time?

“We should be good baes and get the twees some new hats before someone cut them down,” said Papyrus, pulling Sans out of his thoughts. “They moves real slow ya’ know? Like Charlie. I bet Dirt-Butt knows where the hat store be! Is probably in one of those tunnels…a kiosk if baby had to guess.”

Oh yeah, Flowey! I forgot about him, he hasn’t visited us in a while.

Maybe Papyrus ISN’T trying to start a fight after all…maybe he thinks since Flowey’s a monster, ALL plants are monsters…they just can’t talk like he can.

Still feels like he’s messing with me though, why call the leaves hats instead of hair? They grow on top of the trees like hair and hair falls out and I even heard it gets damaged…

An image of Undyne arguing with her mother flashed through his mind. She got in trouble often because she wouldn’t put her hair up before swimming and usually ended up with leaves and other grasses Sans wasn’t familiar with tangled in her bright red locks.

One day she might make a habit of putting it in a ponytail of some sort, but for now, her hair was too short for her to care too much. She was never one to care about her physical appearance; if it wasn’t slowing her down in the water or getting caught on stuff, Undyne simply didn’t and wouldn’t care no matter how much her mother screamed at her.

I’m glad I don’t have hair. As pretty as it is, it looks hard to take care of.

Where is Undyne anyway? She was supposed to meet us here…

“SNAS!”

“huh?” Sans stopped daydreaming and looked down to find a very annoyed baby bones glaring up at him. Apparently, he had missed a question…that, or an entire conversation.

“uh, sorry. what’s a kiosk?”

“*Sigh* Is a tiny shop dat sells tiny things,” replied the baby holding his fingers close together. “I was talkin’ bout’ how there might be one that sells hats for da’ twees in one of those tunnels.”

“you mean the dog tunnels?”

“Yep! Is a good hiding pace cause’ lossa peoples think branches are the twee’s arms, but is really their roots. They use them to walk and grab stuffs from underground like Dirt-Butt, but you probly already knowed that. Hippie’s be one wit da’ nature! You’s keeping the twee store a secret right? Cause’ is illegal? You help the twees a widdle and they give you a munch on da’ side?”

“what the hell are you talking about papyrus?” asked Sans completely lost.

“You’s leading peoples astray wit yo’ cwazy talk about twees having solar powers so that no one will cut them down and in return, they let you eat their hats.”

Oh good, it’s another one of his conspiracy theories. Those don’t get old at all.

“the only one talkin’ crazy here is you baby bro. i don’t know how dad made you, but something went very wrong.”

“Nope, I’s right all right. You just gots da’ trust issues. You think I’s gonna tell erybody about the store, so you’s lying with the deceit!” exclaimed the baby pointing his finger at his brother accusingly. “Don’t know why you think baby would do dat, I’s always been nice to you and I’s ALWAYS honest, but-”

“bullcrap you’re honest! ain’t nothing ‘honest’ about you!”

“If daz what you think, then your memory be worse then the baby’s!”

“n-”

“You should go ask Daddy to fix yo’ memory brain big Buther.”

Okay he DOES want to start a fight.

“my memory’s fine and you know it. you lie about everything. you told me the mountain was made out of dinosaur poop!”

“It is!”

“it’s not.”

“Is too! Daz why all mountains are big and pointy and stuffs grow on them. Is cause’ doody be good fer-ti-lizer. Dis mountain don’t smell no more cause’ is been a gazillion years is all…”

“you’re so full of crap.”

“Nuh uh, ask the baby bear dat lives here, he know! He tell me humans climb doody mountains like dis allll the time looking for bears, so they can injects em’ with stuff dat turns them into candies.”

“i doubt he even knows you.”

“He do, he know me and he tell da’ baby dat the serum stuffs make all their fur fall out and turns their bodies into gummies. It shrink them too Snas! Like, reeeal small, till’ they can fits in yo’ hand. Humans call the candies Gummy Bears and they puts em’ on their nice cream.”

“gummy bears huh? shame. that’s not a very creative name pap, and you were telling such a great lie too.”

“I’s NOT lying! I gots poof, see?” Papyrus pulled a bag of…something, out of his jacket and held it up proudly. “It say ‘Gummy Bears’ and inside be widdle dead bears that got caught stealing pic-i-nic baskets. Dis what bears get for stealing big Buther…they doesn’t go to jail cause’ they strong enough to bend da’ bars.”

“eww! put that down papyrus, it’s dripping!”

“NO! These MY gummies! Go find yo’ own Snas!”

SCRUF SCRUF SCRUF SCRUF!

Papyrus ran through the snow as best a baby bones could in a vain attempt to protect his gummies from his hungry hippo brother, but the snow was FAR too deep for such a tiny thing like him he realized, as he noticed Sans walking beside him nonchalantly with his hands in his pockets.

Fine then, Plan B.

Rolling onto his back, he began kicking in the air, holding onto his bag of candy protectively. “If you think taking candies from dis baby gonna be easy, we’ll see what you think after yo’ teeths go missing, NYEH!”

“you’re gonna get sick bro.”

“I PUT YOU IN DA’ MEDICAL WING FIRST! You weave mah gummies alone stink buther, YOU GOTS YOUR HATS!”

Teleporting behind his sibling, Sans grabbed the bag with the shrieking baby bones still attached. He didn’t know HOW Papyrus had managed to eat so many things from the Dump without getting sick, but the comedian’s paranoia was starting to get to him. Monsters that couldn’t handle the poisonous fumes from the volcano in Hotland were dropping like flies and being sent to their Medical Ward in the lab, never to return; in fact, NO sick monsters were returning from the Medical Ward, despite some of their illnesses not being all that serious.

It’s because we’re so low on magic crystals.

The medicines we use are made from plants that need sun lamps like these to live, but without the crystals to provide the electricity...

“…i hope WE don’t get sick…”

Papyrus stopped screaming for a second. “Nyeh?”

Uh oh, what was Sans thinking about NOW? Obviously, his mind was no longer on the bag of Gummy Bears…or on how cruel he was being, taking candies away from cute little skelly babies such as himself.

He seemed to be fixated on the sun lamps above them, glowing dimly, definitely not as bright as last month. Papyrus didn’t really know how the lamps worked, or at least he didn’t remember anyway, but he knew why they were dim. They had to turn the power down to conserve what little energy they had left.

“Why you worried bout’ the fake suns Snas? You still gots da’ fake sparklies in Waterfall…”

“*sigh* you…you don’t understand bro. the plants we use…they need these lights to live. if they go out, we won’t have any more medicine or even foo-”

Oh shit.

“GASP! NO FOOD?!”

“papyrus.”

Aw crap, I shouldn’t have said anything.

“BUT YOU NEEDS FOOD!” exclaimed Papyrus, dropping to the ground and putting his hands to his cheekbones. “WHAT YOU GONNA DO IF THERE NO PLANTS FOR YOU TO MUNCH HIPPIE WOAH-BOT BABY? YOU CAN’T WIVE OFF MILK LIKE I DOS!”

“you don’t live off milk, i’ve seen you eat other…you were just trying to eat this garbage!”

“Don’t worry Snas! We gonna go find Dirt-Butt and get him to tell the twees the sit-u-ation-”

“I DON’T EAT TREES!”

“We gonna get him to tell the twees in their language that times have changed. Like an old diaper, IS TIME TO DO AWAY WITH PAST TRADITIONS AND WELCOME DA’ NEW!”

“what the hell are you talking about?”

“NO LONGER SHALL THEY LIVE THEIR WIVES AS NUDISTS!” cried Papyrus, pumping his fist into the air.

“the hell do you know what a nudist is? we don’t watch videos like that!”

“NO LONGER SHALL THEY ACCEPT BEING TREATED LIKE SECOND CLASS PEOPLES AND DEPEND ON OUR FAKE SUNS FOR WARMTH!”

“iii don’t think you understand how trees OR sun lamps work baby bro…”

“THEY SHALL FIGHT FOR THEIR INNAPENDENCE! Tell em’ Dirt-Butt.”

“WE SHALL FIGHT FOR OUR INDEPENDENCE!”

“NO, no one’s fighting ANYONE, and get outta here flowey! where’d you even come from?!”

Poking his head out from behind a tree, Flowey leapt up onto a nearby stump and began his trademark wiggling dance, equipped with a smile. “I heard the brat say my name a couple minutes ago. Usually, that means something terrible is about to befall me in the near future, so I thought I’d stick around and learn what that something was beforehand, so as to avoid any trauma…wasn’t aware this was a pep rally though.”

“it’s not. like i said, no one’s fighting anybody, pap’s just being dumb.”

“YOU DUMB! They are gonna fight Snas! monsters be cutting power from the high lamps so big peoples can have their coffee, and they cuts twees down for firewood if their hats not pretty enough! DIRT-BUTT’S PEOPLE BE OPPRESSED!”

“YEAH SMILEY, MY PEOPLE ARE OPPRESSED!”

“THEY WANTS EQUAL RIGHTS!”

“WE WANT VENGENCE!”

“THEY WANTS RESPECT!”

“WE WANT BLOOD!”

“THEY WANTS A BRIGHTER FOOTURE FOR THEIR BABIES!”

“WE WANT A NEW WORLD ORDER!”

“you two are NOT on the same page.”

“DOWN WIT DA’ RACIST MONSTERS AND THEIR RACIST WAYS! VIVA REVOLUTION!”

“viva-what…?”

“GENOCIDE GENOCIDE!!”

RUSTLE!

“Hm?” Flowey turned his head towards a tree that had yet to lose most of its leaves upon hearing something rustling within. Squinting his eyes didn’t do him a bit of good in finding out just who the shadowy figure lurking amongst the branches was, but the text that appeared when they spoke…and the voice that accompanied it, were all the hints he needed to get him rolling them in IMMEDIATE annoyance.

“GET THE HELL OFF ME PEDO-TREE! LET GO OF MY HAIR!”

Oh good, it’s Fish Breath. I was waiting for someone to ruin my day…

“Nyeh? Where you going Dirt-Butt?”

“GODDAMNIT!”

“Yeaah, I forgot, the trees and I juust passed this new law that says no hanging out with dorks…sucks huh?”

“…”

“Oh don’t you two look at me like that! You know I voted against it, but we plants run a democracy sooo…duces dorks! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

And with that, Flowey vanished into the ground just as Undyne came tumbling down the tree.

“OOF!”

“undyne!” Sans dropped the bag of gummies and ran over to help her up. “don’t touch that bag bro! undyne, are you alright?”

“Ow…STUPID TREE! YOU’RE LUCKY ALL THESE HATS BROKE MY FALL OR I’D KICK YOUR ASS!”

Sans stopped.

“Um, hello? Aren’t you gonna help me up? I’M A LADY DAMNIT!”

“*Mamph* I’ll helps you *gulp* Fish Lady!”

“I’m just kidding Papyrus, I’m okay, I’m fi-no…no Papyrus, don’t-don’t touch me, go. Go. Over. There. Go to your brother.”

“You wants some of these candies? They’re good…”

“No, they smell gross and they’re dripping with gay water,” said Undyne, pushing Papyrus towards Sans.

“Is okay! I heard-ed somewhere that the rainbow water only affects froggets…”

“pappy-”

“Why? Because they’re water monsters? Well so am I, so I can’t eat stuff from the Dump.” She looked around the wooded area. “Where’s that one guy that was shouting about homicide? I know there was someone else here!”

Did he climb up a tree like I did?

“genocide, not homicide. Flowey left awhile ago. As soon as you fell out of that tree as a matter of fact…why WHERE you up there anyway?”

“I was on a stakeout, looking for that one kid that likes to get mad at people when they don’t find him funny. Snowdrake or whatever his name is.” She scanned the area again with her one good eye; there was DEFINITELY someone else here before. She wouldn’t mistake an annoying high-pitched voice like that for Sans or even Papyrus.

Where could they have gone so quickly?

“what, snowdrake? why?! snowdrake isn’t a criminal! he gets mad when people don’t like his puns, but he doesn’t ATTACK people!”

Often…

Undyne glared at him, but Sans refused to back down. Snowdrake was one of the few people he HOPED he could become friends with in time. He didn’t seem to care about how dangerous his little brother was, only that Sans enjoyed his jokes. Apparently, his father was a comedian and had been for several years, but the two didn’t get along because of one singular problem Snowdrake had. He didn’t understand comedy. He enjoyed puns like Sans, but he couldn’t seem to grasp the concept of what they were for and he often got angry whenever people didn’t find him funny.

To be honest, his temper tantrums were an embarrassment to Sans, but he hoped in time he’d grow out of it, and he damn sure wasn’t going to ruin everything by ratting him out to Undyne so she could play hero…

“HE’S DISTURBING THE PEACE SANS! HE’S DISTURBING THE PEACE OF OUR PEACEFUL COMMUNITY AND MUST BE BROUGHT TO JUSTICE! Though it sounds like I found an even BIGGER problem in our community…”

“a bigger problem?”

“A poacher of endangered monsters! Where did this genie-killer go Sans? YOU HAVE TO TELL ME OR YOU’RE AN ACCOMPLICE!”

The Font stared at her for a moment, torn between being relieved that her attention had been drawn elsewhere and being annoyed with having to once again deal with another big plate of stupid so early in the morning. “what genie-killer? genies don’t even exist. i said GENO-cide, not genie-cide. you heard wrong.”

“I don’t think so. Another name for genies is ‘djinn’ and it’s pronounced the same way. I’m not stupid Sans! I don’t read nerd books, but I study the law and stuff! GEN-ocide or DJINN-ocide, however you want to spell it, is the murder of GENIES-”

“no.”

“And genies are a rare breed of ghost monster that possess an object and come out only to grant wishes-”

“no.”

This is a VERY big plate of stupid.

“THAT’S why poachers are after them. If bad people make bad wishes, it could destroy the world, so they hunt them down. Your friend might THINK he’s doing everyone a favor, but he’s still a murderer if he kills one-”

“genies do not exist.”

“*Nom* Nowheres but the Middle East anyways.”

“…”

“…what?”

Papyrus reached into his bag. “The word ‘djinn’ is Arabic. That mean genies come from da’ Middle East…dat’s where Egypt be big Buther. Is in da’ middle of the earth…but also a widdle east,” he popped a gummy into his mouth. “I doesn’t know if they come from Saudi Arabia or Iraq, but they definitely not live here. They be used to desert environments ya’ know? It be too cold in da’ Massachusetts.”

“How did you spell that…?”

“the only word i recognize there is ‘egypt.’ that…place you keep talking about.”

“Well maybe if you read-ed books about our panet instead of about sparklies all the time, you’d know somethin’.”

“we don’t HAVE books like that.”

Not even in the library. Everyone left for Mt. Ebott at such short notice, they just brought what they had on them. Most of the books come from what the kids had in their backpacks when they…

Wait a minute…

“Daddy do. He gots allll da’ info on stuffs. He taked all the important books out the library for himself and the baby! He say the bigger I gets, the more memories I lose, so I gots to read lots! He say I can’t let YOU read them though, cause’ you might leave and travel da’ world without me, but I know you not do that. You can read mah books whenever you wants ALL you wants…”

“wait hold on, you have a memory problem?”

This was news to Sans.

Assuming it wasn’t a lie of course.

It was true he hadn’t been paying much attention to Papyrus much to his shame, what with worrying about their future and all, but when he did, he noticed there WERE, in fact, instances where he would question his baby brother’s intellect, or at the very least, his mind.

There was once a time when Sans and paranoia were inseparable. He would question everything his brother said and did, knowing he was the Lying Font, and always assuming Papyrus was messing with him, he would prepare for the worst or simply flat out ignore the baby bones; but things had long since changed. Nowadays, it was difficult to tell whether or not the infant believed his own lies and that made weeding them out in general that much more difficult. His father warned him:

“Papyrus is the king of deceit. As he grows older his lies will become more intricate and deadly."

An intimidating message that seemed less laughable as the months flew by.

He thought it’d be easy…for HIM at least, to tell when his brother was lying, because he spent the most time with him, but the reality was, his sibling was changing right before his eyes and Sans couldn’t decide if he was getting dumber or cleverer. According to his father, the Papyrus fonts were the world’s greatest actors because they were METHOD actors; walking, talking, even thinking like the characters they tried to portray. They were the only people on earth who could pretend to be somebody else for years if not forever without going completely insane, because they had no set personality and weren’t aware that they’re lying not only to everyone around them, but to themselves included…but SANS’ brother had Wingdings, meaning there was enough there…enough personality to have a second font anyway, and that drove the comedian insane.

I know my bro’s a genius; he knows about trees.

DOES he have a memory problem?

Did he forget what leaves are? Or how sun lamps work?

…

Or is he just pretending to be an ordinary baby who doesn’t understand how the WORLD works yet?

He’s lying. He has to be lying. He’s lying right? He’s just pretending to have memory problems so his future lies will seem more innocent. “Oh, I didn’t MEAN to lie when I said the wind on the surface sometimes picked up houses and threw them at people big Brother! I just forgot how wind works cause’ I have memory issues!”

Lying little shit.

…

He’s lying right?

“…for real pap, do you really have memory problems?”

“Yep. I used to know erything a baby needed to know to be big, but now there be things I gots to understand all over again. It suck monkey big Buther…” Papyrus looked sad, but Sans couldn’t tell if it was because he was telling the truth, or because he had run out of those disgusting gummies of his. The infant tilted the bag upside down, spilling the garbage juice within onto the snowy ground near his boots. “All gone…nyeh…”

“ugh…bro…”

Seriously, what’s in that baby formula of his?!

“EWW! WHY’D YOU DO THAT? SANS GET YOUR BROTHER!”

Sighing, he did as he was told. “c’mere pap, let’s go get some real food at grillby’s,” he said, tucking the infant under one arm.

“Gillby’s? Dat stink pace wit da’ frog food? How bout’ no? Put baby down, I eats things at the Dump, not things that BELONG at the Dump.”

“wh-you love hamburgers!”

“Yeah! Hamburgers are GREAT! If you don’t like Grillby’s food, YOU DON’T BELONG IN THIS COUNTRY! Right Sans?”

“I loved em’ good before I knowed they be made of frog…and you doesn’t even know what country we in, so shut it up clown fish with the racism, or Imma tell mah Daddy!”

“YOU’RE A CLOWN FISH, AND I’M NOT SCARED OF YOUR DAD! I’M NOT SCARED OF ANYTHING!!”

“hamburgers aren’t made of frogs bro-”

“What-”

“OR froggets.”

“…They slimy dough…you shouldn’t give slimy stuffs to widdle babies Snas, we gets it in our hairs…”

“it’s not slime-”

“Don’t you care about my hairs…?”

“OH MY GOD! IT’S GREASE, NOT SLIME AND IT’S DELICIOUS!” yelled Undyne hurling a large rock across the woods.

“hey, watch it! you’re gonna hurt somebody!”

“Grease be a movie Fish Lady. I don’t wish to nibble on greased lightning, I’ll gets elly-cuted…electra-cuted. Then Gillby will serve me as da’ baby back ribs and peoples will love it…cept’ they won’t love it cause’ there only be one serving cause’ there only be one me. The customers probly think, ‘why dis one guy get the baby ribs and we don’t? why we not special like him? I not eat here no mores!’ Then Gillby get no more customers and he go out of business…and that will make big Buther sad.”

“…”

“He like the frog food even dough is not healthy for a hippie woah-bot…unless you’s just eating da’ lettuce. You no eat the frog patty Snas? What you do wit dat frog patty?”

“It’s not frog, it’s cow…or magic. Magic cow…? Hey Sans, what are hamburgers made of?”

“it doesn’t matter, he doesn’t care. he just wants your attention-”

“IS MOO-COW? LIKE AZZY’S MOM?”

“Uhh…yeah…?”

Who’s Azzy? He doesn’t go to my daycare…

“Ooooh…still, I doesn’t wish to eat at Gillby’s. I thanks you for the invitation Snas, but I’s trying to get big as in tall, not big as in you.”

“go die in a fire papyrus.”

“Daz rude.”

Deciding on silence, Sans teleported to Grillby’s. Perhaps a burger would keep his baby brother quiet for a while…

…

“HEY SANS YOU JERK! YOU LEFT ME BEHIND!”

SCRUF SCRUF SCRUF SCRUF SCRUF!

“YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO INVITE ME AND PAY FOR MY MEAL, MAMA SAID!!”

Or maybe it wouldn’t be so quiet after all.

#Fonttale #Fonttale au #Undertale #Undertale au #Sans #Papyrus #Undyne #kid sans #baby Papyrus #kid undyne #undertale fanfiction

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