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curlyjoe7 · 5 years

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The Mystery Snek Fic

There once was a noodle, a very spooky noodle, spells and potions galore! Poof here and poof there, they had no time to bore. Their name was Shinpi, the mystery snek, a snek witch, the protector of the night. They are never seen but always there, keeping you safe in the dark hours, hidden in plain sight. You may have heard the lore but trust me when I say they are no myth, often seen with the grim reaper and her soul vanishing scythe. Don’t be afraid they never bite, with a hiss and swoosh there is eerie music though they don’t mean no fright.

Eerrie music begins to play.

“WAIT WAIT WAIT” there is a voice coming from nowhere it seems.

What is this? The music suddenly stops and with a pop out comes mist straight out the record player.

“I’m no mist” the voice goes again. “I’m the mystery ssssnek here to make my appearance at convenient timing.” Ah yes of course, I always forget you are a mist. You think I would be used to the sound of your voice by now.

“I would hope sso” the mystery snek said, “but allow me to introduce myself since the reader doesn’t know me like you do.” I think they do, I just spent a whole paragraph talking about you. “Yeah you right” they said. I know I am. “Nonetheless it is rude to not introduce yoursssself,” with that the snekky mist stood up tall on their tail and cleared their throat “DIDN’T I JUST TELL YOU I AM NO MIST?!” they screamed. Right right, sorry sorry. “Well anyway” they said with a wiggle to their slither “my name is Shinpi, protector of the night.” they bowed with that. “And you?” they asked but to who? “Obviously the reader!” they exclaimed. Oh Shinpi what a silly little snek, so courageous, brave and polite. You certainly have excellent manners but you do know they can’t respond? They suddenly seemed embarrassed, “yes I do just forgot.” “When you’re as old as I am your memory is not quite what it used to be.” I bet so.

“Aren’t you going to introduce yourself?” they asked. Who me? Nonsense! I am simply just the narrator, anything else would be just preposterous. They rolled into a ball and began to laugh “You can only make that joke sssso many times before it’s not funny anymore.” “Just tell them your name.” I don’t have one and I don’t make jokes. “Yes you do.” they said. No I don’t. “Yes you do.” No I don’t. “Yesss you do” they said followed by that tongue thing. Oh fine alright. My name is Preposterous, the teller of story, I narrate everything. “Basically he’s the dude you don’t ever notice” they said with a snekky smile. I hate you. “I know.”

Well anyways onto the part that is going to help progress the story without any real meaning. Have you seen Grim? “No I haven’t, not today” they said “though she’s probably off banishing souls to the underworld.” Probably. Though doesn’t she have a date tonight with Penelope? “YESSSSSS!!!” they screamed “ah my memory is really nothing but a bowl of porridge.” “If you already knew why do you even assssk?” I wasn’t sure it was actually happening this time or she chickened out again by hiding in the bathtub until their car left the driveway. “Fair.” We should check on her. “I mean yeah probably” they started “have to make ssssssure sshe issssn’t more dead than ssshe already is.” Indeed, now hop on and we’ll be off.

Shinpi hopped onto the air for I am nothing yet I am something only few can actually see. I change appearance to everyone who can see me so they all see me differently. “I see a giant teacup.” You have got to be kidding me. “Would you rather be an empty box of condomssss?” they asked. What? No! No thank you! “That’s what I thought” they said cockily “now move along Earl Grey and by the way you, who issss reading!” they waved at seemingly nothing. “Don’t be fooled by hiss false truths, I am NOT and NEVER HAVE BEEN cocky” they said defensively “nor will I EVER BE and I’m not defenssssive.” Sure you’re not. Misty. They huffed and did that tongue thing again. “It’s called flicking my tongue bitch” they said. “Ya ever heard of Go-“ Yes I have heard of Google, let’s just please get on with this. “No one was stopping you.” To think a snek witch needs help from a lousy narrator.

Poof poof to a Chinese buffet

“Oh my god, you’re ssso cringy” Shinpi said. It’s the magic words, I didn’t make them. “I despise who ever did.” Yes I know. We have bigger problems though now, were in the hell is Grim? “I wouldn’t know this infrared is kinda limiting sometimes” they said. That’s fair.

Suddenly there’s a scream, a shrilling, high pitch call of a young female. “Why you gotta say it like that?”

“HE-Y-ALP!”

My goodness, it’s Penelope Pitstop! “Why, who else did you expect?” she asked. “Wait, hold up,” Shinpi began. Yes? “She can hear you too?” they asked. “Of course” she exclaimed. “Thiss story is getting reeeeally weeeiird.” That’s not important, what is important is knowing exactly why did you scream Miss. Penelope? “Oh,” she began “I was painting my nails and I spilt the polish on my skirt.” Ah I see. That is quite a problem. Shinpi rolled their eyes, “look I’ll be honest Pen I don’t care about your nail polish, I just want to know where in thissss realm is Grim?” they asked.

“Really? I’m right here guys”

Shinpi slithered around to see a crepuscular figure standing behind them. “You think I’m crepuscular, Preposterous?” Grim asked blushing. I do in fact. “Aw shucks” Grim said “you’re always so nice to me!” You deserve it, cleaning up souls all the time is a hard job especially after that… thing.

“Hellooo?” Penelope said hastily. “Oh I’m sorry Penny” Grim apologized “actually in fact with their arrival this is good timing.” “Good timing for what?” Penelope asked. There was a silence and then Grim and Shinpi turn to look at me as if waiting for something. What? Did you expect me to answer? “No ssshit Sherlock” Shinpi said “you’re the reason she has to sssssssay something to Pen Pen in the first place.” Sherlock? Grim sighed, “Penelope, I’m sorry but you’re just not the one for me.” She then grabbed my hands, looking into my eyes deeply with her own, lifeless sockets. Umm… Grim? “Preposterous,” she began “these sockets see you as a human.” “I see you and love you just like any other love between the living.” Grim said with tears in her sockets. “They’re not tears I’m just sweating through my sockets” “Sssure” Shinpi said sarcastically.

I, I don’t know what to say. “You say you love her back” Shinpi said “you’ve narratored every story to ever exist, you should know what to ssssay.” You’re right. I guess I’m just overwhelmed because, I love you too Grim and I am happy to accompany you to a date. “Well I have a booth right here and there is certainly enough lo mein” said Grim. She always says lo in such a unique way, sounds like cow with an L. I love that about you. “Thank you” Grim said flustered. “Oh barf” said a disgusted snek. “I have a name.” Yes but this is more entertaining, adds fluff to the story. “But isn’t the ssssstory ending sssoon?” asked Shinpi “why does there need to be more fluff now?” That’s just how the story works and yes, it will be very soon. “Who cares we have a bunch of Chinese food to eat.” Uh Shinpi? This is a date, you know, between Grim and I? “Oh it’s fine I don’t mind” Grim said “you can eat with us Shin.” “YAY” yelled Shinpi. Okay then, suppose I have no choice in this matter.

“You can stay if you want as well Penny” said Grim. “That would be delightful” she said. I guess this isn’t really much of a date anymore is it? It’s fine, it’ll still be fun as long as Shinpi doesn’t eat all the orange chicken… again. “That was one time!” they shouted. It has happened 86 times Snekky. “I ssssstand by it was only once.” Right 86 times, one time, same thing.

The mystery snek did a poof poof with a vial of…. something and was suddenly in the booth

I thought you found poof poof cringy? “It’s growing on me.” I’m delighted it has, Misty. “I’m going to ignore that and btw the vial issss filled with the tears of wolves.” “Now let’s cheers to the end of the story and the beginning of a wonderfully weird relationship between death and a voice in your head” Shinpi said to a raise of a beer glass wrapped by their tail “by the way I have a night to protect tonight so I might have to leave early and thiss glasssss is ssssslipping” Grim grabbed the glass before it fell in her cold hands “Don’t worry we understand Shin” said Grim “and stop flirting so much Preposterous!” “I can’t handle it!” Indeed we do, you’re a snek witch after all and you’ll get used to it, Grim. “You know what this reminds me of?” Penelope asked. No, not really. “Picture it Sicily, 1924…” And with that the story was to an end. “That’s a shitty ending” Shinpi claimed. It is the ending the writer gave so it is the ending we have. “She should have done a better one.”

She did the best she could now if I may: I declare this THE END.

“That’s really menacing.” Oh for heaven’s sake Shinpi, just shut up! The story is over! “Yesss it is,” they said “the end.” Sigh. I swear they are a good snek once you get to know them.

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