how does one even feel gender

Chilchuck analysis speedrun: As a hardworking half-foot who grew up poor and discriminated against and had his gullibility taken advantage of multiple times in his early adventuring days, Chilchuck thinks optimism is a dangerous flaw. He’s stressed and strict all the time because his job is noticing details like traps that could get everyone killed before anyone knows it, he takes the lives of everyone to be on his shoulders, and with the way he speaks about it that probably partly reflects how he felt about taking it upon himself to provide for his family too. His life’s always been pretty centered around work and has become even moreso now that his wife left and everyone is independent, and due to past events he’s very iffy with bonding with coworkers. He thinks feelings and job are a disaster mix. Like with his wife or with parties hiring him as sacrifice, being open or having good faith is vulnerability which can get you hurt, so he processes and shows all his stress as anger instead of worry. Doing strict dieting probably isn’t helping the irritability what with hunger, and on top of being a hunger suppressant alcohol might be the main stress reliever he has.

His grey hairs are so earned

the theerapanyakul kids: how close are you with each other?

loan’s kinnporsche 2nd anniversary: favourite familial relationship: the theerapanyakul kids (insp: ½+½)

suicide cw

look i have been in this area before mentally. it sucks and i wouldn’t wish this on anyone. but, and this is going to sound callous, but i don’t feel any sympathy for james somerton. even if i hope he’s like. not dead. But thats all the amount of goodwill im willing to give him. The more i think about this really, the more angry i am. 

ngl this entire situation is another example of how white people weaponize their mental illness to avoid consequences. Im seeing it in real time.

this man has a continuous habit of using self-harm as a get-out-of-jail-for-free card. in both of his apologies, he has worded his supposed attempts in ways that were clearly meant to guilt people who displayed his plagiarism and overall horrendous history of racism and misogyny. i say supposed because, while i’m not saying those are lies and this would he such a fucked up thing to lie about that i don’t want to think he has, unfortunately, it’s been proven again and again that his word can’t be trusted, as he’s known to lie to try get out of consequences. Hes a proven liar. him lying about this is actually the best case scenario, because no one should go through this entire situation, wouldnt wish this on anyone, but you can only do this so often before people stop sympathizing with you. is this callous? Yeah, but like. I’m actually fucking angry he cant straight up take no as an answer. that this is how he reacts realizing he cant be one of the Cool Kidz™️ on youtube anymore. he acts like he DESERVES a career, like its not a privilege hes lost due to his own actions.

He lied about apologizing and forgiving people, he lied about giving the money to hbomberguy to give to ppl he ripped off (yknow, instead of doing it himself), he lied about the jessie gender situation and rewrote the narrative to make it so he isnt the bad guy, and hes the victim all along actually!

you can’t tell me that supposed last message of his isn’t meant to be a 13 reasons why esq attempt to deflect the blame “look i’m going to kill myself and it’s all YOUR PEOPLES FAULT for not letting me achieve my DREAM of being filmmaker IN PEACE!!! I just wanted Nick’s (the guy who I have thrown under the bus again and again) portfolio up!! Im just being a good friend dont you all FEEL BAD” he refuses to take ANY ACCOUNTABILITY of any of his actions and he IS STILL trying to shove the blame over to other people again.

it’s also pretty ironic people are like “uhhh well hbomber’s fans harassed him!!!” like hbomber outright told people NOT to HARASS JAMES!!! ALSO acting as if james doesn’t have a very real documented history of STRAIGHT UP sending his fans to harass and threaten smaller creators, more notably women, trans, and bipoc creators. especially after he’s stolen typically very personal anecdotes so he could profit from them. so why can he do it but the second people are like “hey this guys an actual piece of shit.” and he can’t handle it suddenly people are trying to white knight his shit? like no he doesn’t get that. he doesn’t get that at all just because he couldn’t handle the consequences of his actions. 

what? were supposed to stay quiet about a man profiting off of other minorities because he wanted to be the spokesman for all gay people? people tried to solve this on a smaller, more private scales for YEARS and he kept doing it. it was clear that the giant public video was the ONLY way to get people to notice. HE WOULDVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH STEALING 87 FUCKING THOUSANDS WORTH OF DOLLARS. HE CANT HANDLE THE FACT HE CANT GET AWAY WITH IT. 

am i supposed to feel bad for the guy who basically threatened a trans woman with the police? i don’t care what anyone says, it’s so fucking obvious that he threatened jessie by implying he was getting the police involved in their conflict. what am i supposed to act like that didn’t happen? are we supposed to pretend like he didn’t glorify nazi’s and outright said that gay people made up a good chunk of the nazis? That he didnt say america joined ww2 bc they were jealous of the NAZIS. WHAT WOULD POSSESS YOU TO FUCKING SAY THAT. but then? He gives women (not even women most of the time, he misgenders nonbinary ppl constantly) shit for writing mlm. are we supposed to act like he doesn’t straight-up sees himself superior and better than people of color and steals their works to put himself on a pedestal? Are we supposed to act like he didnt spit on our elders by saying “only the boring gays survived aids” like man! Fuck you! He BLANTANTLY MAKES UP HISTORY TO PUT HIMSELF ON A PEDESTAL!! HE ACTIVELY TRIED TO REWRITE LGBT HISTORY TO SUIT HIS FUCKED UP NARRATIVES!

yes this sucks ! no one deserves this but no one should be making him a martyr. Thats what he fucking WANTS! He wants to be immortalized as a victim!! (again, supposedly, it was reported hes alive but its not confirmed).

The shit he got isnt near the amount of fucking callous behavior hes done again and again. Again, to drill this point, EVEN IF HE DIDNT CALL THE POLICE HE THREATENED A TRANS WOMAN INTO THINKING HE DID!!! The fact he tried to use a head injury to justify years of the outright ghoulish shit fucking astounds me. Why the fuck did anyone in his life thought it was a good idea to let him TRY to come back. in the end, he had options. he didn’t need to try to make a comeback. HE DIDNT NEED TO FUCKING LIE OR IGNORE THE SHIT HE WAS CALLED OUT ON the reality is, he wanted to come back thinking he could shove it under the rug, was told that no dude, you’re not allowed to be a youtuber anymore. you’re done. you need to move on and went full nuclear. it’s not on anyone’s hands but his own. HES BEEN DOING THIS TO HIMSELF!! But nah man we cant call his shit out bc hell may or may not kill himself. Fuck the other minorities who have the same issues but worse and sometimes BECAUSE of him. This is going to SUCKKKK so bad when other ppl, specifically white gays, are going to weaponize this shit to get away with their stuff.

how. do u sona....

hey my friends, my lovers, my little bastards, i am going to be taking a little break! gonna be gone until bout maybe couple days before kinktober...maybe 29th of september or around that time. today will be my last day on here for awhile, so just wanted to let u guys know before i disappear for a bit lol.

alsoo i will be queing my kinktober masterlist like 3 times, so if you see that posted randomly, dont be suprised lol.

and to my mutuals, ill prob not be on discord. i associate discord with tumblr, and i wanna have a break from it all. sooooooooo....ill see you around!

my mother is so stupidly good at gaslighting because 99% of the time she really just believes whatever it is. she has an entire persona that she presents to the outside and the cognitive dissonance alone would take ten therapists to figure out. she really does believe our childhood was good and that we're fine despite undeniable evidence of the complete opposite.

i'll talk to my sister like "yeah no she's still shitty and will never change" while she texts me "are u mad at me? also i know u don't feel well sometimes" like????? take one big fucking guess whose fault that is.

also where the FUCK was that "worry" last december when i visited and you didn't ask me a single question about me or my life? or, i don't know, ten years ago when i was so suicidal it's a miracle i am still alive? huh? where was that worry when you just sat back and watched the constant abuse i had to endure at the hands of your now ex-husband?

i have been living alone for two years but one text from her and i immediately feel like i am losing my mind again, that i am misremembering everything and that my grasp on reality is loose and wrong.

qifrey's birthday and silly stuff

you should kill yourself if you spend 12 minutes sorting around your notes on your desk, making sure they look messy but also the prettiest ones are on top, posing your textbook open and having the most "academia" looking web page or lecture slides on your laptop screen before taking a picture and posting it on your social media story while quietly scrolling through songs to put with it.

pillow talk

pairing: woozi x female reader word count: 1.7k genre: smut! minors I FORBID YOU content warning: intercourse! fingering! and some boring food/grocery talk note: as promised... my first ever nsfw content because after a challenging academic event, let’s have a challenging fun time! written all in lowercase because i don’t know why and now i can’t be bothered with changing that </3

you’re perfectly toasty in bed tonight after a satisfying evening of self-care, keeping you busy until your boyfriend came home. ever the efficient guy, he went straight to the bathroom, getting his bedtime routine out of the way to join you quickly. when jihoon slides under the covers next to you, his hands immediately find your cheeks, guiding you to meet his lips in a slow kiss. he smells like toner and tea tree spot treatment, and it’s hard to resist his embrace.

he moans in relaxation as your hands trace the muscles of his back while he places open mouth kisses along your neck. "had a good day?" you ask with a smirk. it’s not out of character for him to be all over you like this, but it’s rare enough to make the most of it. jihoon’s hands are squeezing at your waist now, and the worn out fabric of your night shirt is the only thing keeping him from bringing his tongue to your breasts. your eyes follow his every move as he comes back to kiss you some more, short, deep kisses almost distracting you from the slender fingers pulling at the elastic waist of your sweatpants. he looks up at you then, asking softly "can i?" before you nod and lift your hips enough to allow the clothing to come off. lying on your sides, facing one another, jihoon decides he should be a little more caring, or at least less desperate for your touch. in between soft pecks, he explains, "i had such a great accidental nap in the car earlier," one hand travels along your side and lands on your ass, stroking the skin in appreciation. "i feel so well-rested, i thought we could enjoy some quality time?" the warm smile illuminating your face gives him the quiet approval to slide his hand up to your lower back and pull you flush against his body. 

the room is always cosy; it’s the one place entirely dedicated to you as a couple, where no one else can interrupt your cuddles, arguments and belly laughs. but tonight, the carefully picked furniture and framed pictures only make the slow teasing of his tongue on your bottom lip that much more delicious. you can feel him harden in his sweatpants, so you lift your leg to rest on his hip and slowly grind on him. he hums in pleasure, speaking into your mouth, "busy day today?" if you were in the middle of hooking up with anyone else, you’d tell them to stop teasing and shut up. but this is lee jihoon, and you know he’s really striking up a conversation right now. it’s his brand, catching up on all the small talk you can’t exchange during the day while making sweet, sweet love to you. because of course, when he rolls on top of you, effectively laying you on your back, the comforting weight of his new personal bests at the gym grounding you to the mattress, he still expects an answer. "it was alright actually. i rushed everything in the morning but ended up having so little to do in the afternoon, i went shopping and took a bath before you came home," by the time the sentence is over, your t-shirt is bunched up at your neck, and jihoon is leaving a trail of kisses from your collarbone to your stomach. "did you have the leftover chicken for dinner?" his tone is so conversational, if you were only eavesdropping, you would never know he was in the middle of triggering some exceptional tingling sensations everywhere his mouth and fingers went. but you are right there with him, and you’re still rational enough to notice how he makes sure you’re not lost in his touch, still up for a chat. talk about wanting to have your cake and eat it. 

your hands travel from his shoulders to his sides, hooking your fingers into the material of his sweatpants to gently pull them down. "yeah, and i had the last of that strawberry ice cream for dessert," his eyes don’t leave your face while his pants land on the floor, proving you have his full attention. the hand you place on his erection leaves him choking on his laughter before he manages to compose himself enough to comment, "the last of the ice cream? the one that was still half full?" teasing your inability to share your favourite flavour of ice cream is risky, but jihoon chose his moment particularly well; it sounds affectionate now, like he might even love it when you give in to your cravings instead of enjoying your favourite things with him. like maybe, he loves it because he just loves you. "good, i got a new tub on the way home anyway."

when his fingers dip into your underwear to finger you, jihoon is surprised to find you so wet already. "does it turn you on to picture me grocery shopping at late o’clock for your damned strawberry ice cream?" the two melodic sounds of laughter come together in the quiet bedroom, and when you throw your head to the side in amusement, jihoon plunges to nip at the skin of your neck lovingly while two fingers work you slowly. he leaves yet another kiss, this time right by your ear, and you think you might be in heaven when you hear him laugh so closely as you reply, "it’s just that i’m thinking about all this ice cream i’m gonna eat…" your chuckles die on your boyfriend’s lips, and you decide he’s kept you waiting long enough. you moan suggestively into the kiss as you wrap your fingers around his dick inside his underwear. he gets the message and rids your bodies of the remaining pieces of clothing. to your surprise, he hoists himself up against the headboard and once a condom produced from his bedside table is rolled onto his cock, he sits there prettily, cheeks flushed, patting his own thighs. thighs that could probably break your neck. thighs you wouldn’t mind sleeping on. 

"oh, so i’m doing all the work?" your words of protest carry little weight when you sit up and settle on jihoon’s lap, hovering slightly to allow your hand to bring his cock to your delightfully aching entrance. you stay there, his tip barely entering you, until he groans and guides you onto him with soft hands on your hips. in this position, he’s not only reaching deeper into you; you’re face to face, lost in the texture of each other’s skin, tempted by red lips, safe in loving eyes. he guides your hips once more to draw tight circles against him, and it’s not much action, not enough to get off, but it’s what you were seeking in the first place. the feeling of his presence so close to you, your tight walls making him feel pleasurably light-headed, the complete absence of self-consciousness allowing you to communicate through your bodies just how much of yourself you’re willing to give one another. always on the same page, always respectful of one another’s desires and boundaries. making love so casually like this felt like reliving all your most intense realisations of love within seconds, without a word. and the feeling wouldn’t be complete without some oddly timed banter. just as you’re thinking of quickening the pace after jihoon’s cock hit a particularly sensitive spot inside of you, he observes, "if i turn on the tv right now, it’d be heaven on earth." you snort in disbelief, playfully slapping your boyfriend’s chest. "and i don’t deserve some entertainment?!" from the controlled look on his face, it’s easy to guess he has actually been preparing this comeback for a moment. "doggy style is too much work right now, you’ll catch up on the show later." no one has ever made you throw your head back in laughter while you ride them until lee jihoon. but when you try to argue further, he gets you on your back, head resting on the opposite side of the bed, and quickly inserts himself back inside you. "if i make you come, will you let me watch tv next time?" he awaits no answer before quickening the pace, lifting your leg by the back of the knee to give him better access to that spot he knows will get you good. his free hand traces patterns on your stomach, climbing slowly to your sensitive left nipple, thumb rubbing the delicate bud with expert technique. you’re in the perfect mood to react to all the right buttons being pushed, and you don’t need to rub at your clit for long before your back arches off the mattress, presenting the expanse of skin to jihoon who ritually lowers his lips to the spot right above your left breast, feeling for the beat of your heart under the flesh and ribs. the rhythm of his hips goes uneven as the way your walls squeeze his length brings him closer to his own high. that’s when you give that meaningful tug to his elbow, and you come together in one final intense kiss, lips only coming apart to whisper i love yous. 

you take a moment to bask in the afterglow before duty calls: a quick stop by the bathroom to clean up and avoid any discomfort tomorrow morning. jihoon stretches with a groan so loud you can tell exactly which limb extends in which direction from your spot in front of the sink. you come back to the bedroom, scolding him for his lack of elegance, but you’re greeted with sleepy eyes, extended arms, and: "my woman!" you stop dead in your tracks, staring at your boyfriend in disgust. "eww, don’t ever call me that again!" you get into your side of the bed, giving the man in a laughing fit a seriously heavy side eye. "wow, you’re exhausting," you mumble as your turn off your bedside lamp. jihoon does the same, and from your position, facing the wall, back towards him, you can feel him shuffling into big spoon duty. he knows he must pay for his crimes. "teasing you after sex is like fresh kimbap with the right sauce, it makes a good thing absolutely divine." you snort at the vaguely romantic quality of his comment. "forget song lyrics, this is the most romantic thing you’ve ever said." jihoon stretches one last time before planting a noisy kiss into your hair. "you inspire me like that." 

current thing i keep trying to convince myself of is that making one bad drawing does not mean that im bad at drawing. The big doodle pages have helped with that. They do kind of Harm when i go back and see i was making Better art x months ago but im also a believer of If You Can Draw It Once, You Can Draw It Again so it helps to have a bad doodle surrounded by art i didnt scrap (+ consider "good").

Also trying to just accept sometimes things are left in the past.... I do think if u draw something once u can draw it again but im trying to convince myself its ok if i can never get back the art style(s)/art style elements i had in the past.

In the same way we age and have to accept we look differently than we did when we were younger and That Was and Is Us, but we wont look like that ever again. <- This is a little hard bc i also have trouble accepting/dealing with this comparison example LOL

i started this year off wanting to change myself in a way that would hurt me but now i realize that was a shitty thing to do. but i want to do it. again.

It's insane how most of the time I don't get how ppl interact and I also Don't Fucking Care

adhd comix

im not getting fixated on awful hospital im not getting fixated on awful hospital im not getting fixated on awful hospital im not getting fixated on awful hospital im no-

I'm keeping this...

Because I've never seen it before.

I know they're all boops, but seeing this number so high makes me feel noticed and loved, even though I know it's not for anything I created.