#but this isn’t really unlisted so idk
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@sojutsu As requested, my favorite DnD dice! Pictures don’t do some of them justice so I made a little video! “Little,” she says while pretending the video isn’t 20 minutes long /s
Originally I intended for this video to just be public but while it was uploading I decided to make it just an unlisted bonus video for Tumblr peeps. Because I also mention my husband a couple times and don’t really want to talk about him much on my channel if I can help it because people on YT can be quite weird about RP creators being in relationships and idk why but Tumblr already knows about him. Which is why at the end I’m talking like I assume no one has context for my friendship with Frenchie lol
Anyway enjoy my dice!
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Around the 15 minute mark/15:00, Tim Hartman (the actor who played Stretch in the 2001 version) talks about his experience with Casper The Musical
#casper the musical#2001 revival#video#interestingly i found it on some website where you find unlisted videos#but this isn’t really unlisted so idk#there was other 2 videos but all there is was simply mentioning it
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ok so we all know nesta loves sweets right and at one point maybe everyone also knows that nesta loves sweets so her canon suitors maybe eris or helion or even balthazar start sending her delicious pastries to the HoW and just as nesta is about to take a bite cassian's like "it's probably poisoned" and she just rolls her eyes but then she sees the puppy dog look on cassian's face and so she has to pretend that she doesn't even like them and cassian is all giddy again and goes "I'll buy you all the treats you want and you can even eat it off me" so she leaves the sweets for az, emerie and gwyn to enjoy lol idk kinda cute
Ok I took a bit of liberty on this one- kept the general premise but also added some *adult* content so warning for a bit of smut 😉
Also I see you all and your requests for more Nesta vacationing in the Summer Court. There will be more but I’m working through a couple more requests first!
“Decline,” Cassian growled at the House. His hand was three fingers pulsing at the exact angle he’d spent two mated years learning was pure bliss to Nesta and he really wasn’t in the fucking mood to deal with this again.
Males who were like him, brash and arrogant and cocky, tended to love things like this. Maybe there were males who would have loved how desirable their mate was. But Not. Fucking. Cassian.
Cassian wished Nesta had a hump on her back and a bunch of hairy moles on her face. Because he would love her the same that way, but maybe every other male in Prythian might just back the fuck off for one damn second. Then again, maybe not.
Nesta moaned underneath him, unaware that the silver wrapped package had even arrived. The House seemed to hum in its decline of his decline, refusing to get rid of the package until Nesta saw it. The House loved to remind him who their favorite was.
“Gods, Cassian.” His name on her lips brought him back in. What was wrong with him? A writhing, naked, sweat-slicked, glowing Nesta was underneath him and he was too focused on other males trying to steal her away.
Cassian curved his right wing under her back, the thin talon scraping against her hip and pulling another moan out of her.
“Nes, sweetheart, let’s-“
A massive thunk sounded through the room as the House picked the package up and slammed it down again. Nesta shot upwards, her peaked breasts bouncing as she lifted her whole upper body.
“What was that?”
“Nothing,” Cassian murmured into her neck.
Nesta quickly forgot Whatever the sound was as Cassian pressed his longest finger into exactly the spot he knew drove her crazy. Nesta moaned.
“Cassian.” She cried out as she tumbled over the edge. Because she knew he loved it. Loved to hear his name on her lips.
His name. His name. His name. No one else’s.
“This was the sound,” Cassian grumbled, easily lifting the far too heavy package onto the bed.
Nesta sighed. She’d learned a while ago that ignoring it just encouraged the males to send increasingly extravagant gifts. The most ridiculous of which currently resided in an open-roof stable.
Peeling silver paper back, Nesta rolled her eyes.
“Send this back to the Autumn Court.” The House didn’t move. “Fine,” Nesta snapped, “the note can say “I don’t like caramel.” But that’s it.”
The package of hand crafted, richly dark chocolate coated milk caramels disappeared in a heartbeat.
“You don’t have to send them all back.” Cassian pulled the covers up, climbing into bed but not wrapping his arms around her.
“Well I don’t like caramel so-”
“Nesta I made you lava cakes with a caramel center last week and you moaned louder than your last orgasm when you ate them. You love caramel.”
“I love caramel when you put it in front of me.” Nesta’s eyes darted up to Cassian. Hooded and intentional.
“I’m sure it’s just as good when Helion and Eris and Tarquin and Balthazar and-”
“You’ll run out of breath if you list them all.” Nesta rolled her eyes, adopting a new tactic. “I’ve heard this whole mate thing is pretty permanent. Like centuries, millennium, into other lives and worlds,” she smirked a little. “So if through all that time, you try to list every man who wants me you’ll suffocate to death for lack of breath. So I suggest we get over this quick.”
Cassian was smiling. Broad. Wide. Brilliant.
“What?” Nesta went on the defensive quickly.
“That means you expect me to be there.” Cassian finally pulled her into his body. Hand around her waist, leg thrown over her hip, one hand turning her face towards his. “In the centuries and millennia and other lives and worlds. With all those unlistable number of men trying to steal you away, you think I’ll be there.”
Nesta rolled her eyes, “Of course you’re going to be there, brute. You’ll be throwing rocks at them and crashing buildings down and I’ll be berating you every time you do and then we’ll both be screaming each other’s names against the House’s shields and that’s what matters, isn’t it?”
“You are so much wiser than me at such a younger age,” Cassian smiled. Moved his hand down to her neck and tipped her face up. Kissed her. “And I’ll get you as much caramel and chocolate as you want.”
“I thought sugar was bad?” Nesta smirked, “even a spoonful of it in my oatmeal could destroy a whole training regime and-“
“That was when you were a beginner. Sure sugar might slow you, but you’re so fast now that it doesn’t matter. And I’ll be here to make sure you eat real, energy sustaining food as well.”
“You have no control over what I eat,” Nesta scoffed.
“If I make more lava cakes I’m pretty sure I will have full control.”
“Hmm,” Nesta ran her foot up his calf, “I wonder if Helion has your recipe?”
“I’m going to buy you so much fucking chocolate you can’t ever eat it all in a hundred immortal lifetimes,” Cassian moaned into her mouth. “And then I’m going to send a pound of it back to everyone who tries to steal you away from me.”
“I love you,” Nesta whispered.
“I love you more.”
“This is an old fight.”
“Admit you lose then,” Cassian laughed.
“I never admit defeat.”
#nessian#drabbles open#nessian fanfiction#nesta archeron#acosf#cassian#nesta and cassian#a court of thorns and roses#sarah j maas#a court of silver flames#a court of mist and fury#acotar
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I would like to hear your list of Lyle Rath things that make you sad/makes him hot 👀 I'm very new to oneyplays stuff and I've taken a liking to the lad
there’s a lot of weird crossovers it’s up to you to decide what’s sexy and what’s upsetting:
- he described himself as rogue-like, which according to him means he looks dangerous, like he might steal from your house if you leave him alone and like he carries a weapon at all times. Now that might be a red flag, but I like red flags (source: animal punch fun with shippedge)
- back in like 2012 he used to like. Hardly shower and idk that’s both kinda sad and kinda hot (source: swaggalaggin)
- he’s said he’s not gay and has set many boundaries for what he considers too gay, he would break these boundaries (with Kyle and Phil specifically) all the time. (Source: exstream, it’s all overwatch now, squeeg the friendship hammer, gay science, swaggalaggin)
- on the topic of not being gay: he’s made sure to make people aware if he was gay he’d be a top, unless it was with Phil after a few years he said he would and I quote “take turnsies“ with Phil (source: it’s all overwatch now, squeeg the friendship hammer, swaggalaggin)
- Phil is the other host of swaggalaggin his podcast from 2012/2013 and season 2 got privated during the unlisted video purge
- he can’t cry, his dad used to laugh at him when he cried as a kid so now he vomits whenever he like. Needs to cry. (source: talked about in swaggalaggin s2 I could source this if HE UNPRIVATED IT)
- for a long time he couldn’t keep any weight on, he can now though and by god does he looks good with it (source: swaggalaggin seasons 1 and 2)
- in his final lootcrate video the implication was that he doesn’t regularly kill people, which is an odd implication for someone that jokes so much about killing people (this doesn’t need sourced it’s not really info)
- Kyle is a childhood friend of his :)! He also edits for oneyplays (he’s CameraColossus) and you can hear them talking about being gay little high school/middle school friends in Lyle’s ex-stream, and if the vod is still up his latest stream postgame recharge (sources provided within info)
- there’s a playlist of his twitch streams that have been saved, it’s titled Lyle mcdouchebag streams and the best ones are overplayed, super gash smashers, back with the boys, squeeg the friendship hammer and it’s all overwatch now (source: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL68_BxAB-jz70Zt1KL-gnQJRj3oVF9RIT )
- he likes to make a lot of jokes about being sexually attracted to corpses, as far back as 2012, including in episode 5 of swaggalaggin where they show genuine legitimate gore for about a minute and another episode before it where Lyle said he freaked out his tattoo artist by asking if a girl that got killed recently‘s body was still there because the girl was hot (source: swaggalaggin season 1)
- has said the phrase “when I’m at my most suicidal” unironically (source: overplayed)
- he’s half Puerto-Rican and at one point called himself “the freakin Rican” during an episode of squeeg so just remember that and keep it in your heart (source: squeeg, I can’t find the video but he also said it when playing Star Wars game where you are storm trooper with someone)
- bonus Kyle info because he’s packaged in: Kyle has a vague attraction to men (this is not a joke) (source: back with the boys)
- there are multiple videos Lyle‘s made where he either kills other people or himself (source: MOTEW unchartable, the last lootcrate video, pregame discharge, probably more I’m forgetting)
- this isn’t info but I think about it a lot: he’s vaguely implied self harm a couple times but never outright said it, don’t take this is as fact I just wanted to mention it (source: swaggalaggin s1 for the most part)
- was somewhat of an alcoholic through like 2011-2016-ish (source: ex-stream, swaggalaggin s1/2)
- for a hot minute, Phil assumes because he lived on mashed up oranges and vodka for a few days, he would cum black, which means there was likely blood in his cum (source: swaggalaggin episode 1 season 1)
- he used to live in a slightly renovated auto garage! He didn’t have a proper door and outside of his garage door was a gate, it was rat infested and this is where he one hit killed that rat with a belt buckle, he sent a picture of said murder to Zach, they discuss this in the (switch) Luigi’s mansion series (source: swaggalaggin and Luigi’s mansion 3)
- his dad hit him, he doesn’t view this as that bad of a thing, he thinks if he didn’t he wouldn’t have turned out funny (source: super gash smashers)
- has a habit of talking about fucking clones of himself, a common theme in pregame discharge specifically (it crops up in other places too) (source: pregame discharge, exstream, oneyplays)
- he said he has a type for short and thicc girls with a sense of humour, Monica his girlfriend fits into this type very well (source: it’s all overwatch now)
that’s all that’s off the top of my head right now but I could probably dump more here later
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💿 + Emery
You will probably notice that there is an artist that pops up a lot on this list, Robyn Adele Anderson, that’s because she is one of my inspirations for Em, her look, voice, mannerisms, etc., etc. It also plays into Emery’s background of being a singer/entertainer at the Mysterious Stanger speakeasy, back in the early 1900′s.
“Ex’s and Oh’s” by Elle King - Honestly this is just one of the first songs that I remember associating with Emery. Cause honestly she goes through partners quick. But I also think (or at the very least she thinks) that they will never get over her. There are also some lyrics that foreshadow some events. :3c
"Helena" cover by Robyn Adele Anderson - So this song I headcanon as about said future event. There’s a point that Emery because a ghost, which exclusively haunts Heath since he is the only one who had the ability to. And she really melancholy about it. And I just imagine her sing this to him.
"Soon We'll Be Found" Cover by Robyn Adele Anderson - And other Heath and Emery song. This one I headcanon taking place after a rather traumatic event in their friendship after Ramiel, Heath’s gf at the time, shot him seemingly in cold blood and then tried to bait Emery with the blood of her best friend. Cause as a hunter, these bound to be SOME collateral damage when taking on monsters. And Heath, who always had an overly kind nature, got caught in the crosshairs. when his friend’s ravenous nature won out. Heath just trusted the wrong monster. ANYWAY, I imagine this as Emery trying to calm Heath as he’s fading. Spoilers’ Heath was ‘‘fine.’‘ ya know, just a few weeks in a coma, ‘bout 10 cm of small intestines lost in emergency surgery, and a star-shaped scar left behind from the gunshot. but he’s FINE.
“Made You Miss” by Maddie Poppe - Again, it’s Emery, she’s flirty and loves to play hard to get. But also she is super spiteful and she will play with people’s emotions.
“Gangsta's Paradise” - Vintage 1920's Al Capone Style Coolio Cover by Postmodern Jukebox ft. Robyn Adele Anderson - Okay so Emery was a gangsta, back in the 1920- late 30′s. She was a part of a strange paranormal mafia. In fact, though she did get her hands dirty too, she was the main squeeze of the mob boss. But Emery also isn’t super happy about being in this mafia life, cause her price to see it was her becoming a vampire. She’s got involved with the boss cause abruptly found herself part of this unseen paranormal underground, and the boss was there to help her. And being the boss’s girl gave her protection and though their romance was very hot and steamy, the boss also kept her somewhat naive to the paranormal so that she could easily leave him. So she was somewhat stuck.
“All The Boys” by Panic! at the Disco - Again Emery is a player, and a femme fatal. She’s been around and highly sought out as she presents herself as a sex symbol. But similarly to how Robyn Adele Anderson is an inspiration for Em, Bredon Urie is an inspiration for a certain demon who plays heavily in Emery’s story. One that does love her madly and believes that she is his.
“Paint It Black” Cover by Robyn Adele Anderson - I just like this song. I sorta imagine it as Emery comparing her outlook to that of Heath, who is overly optimistic and idealistic in her mind. where she is very VERY jaded and has thought of herself for many decades as only a monster. It wasn’t until Heath's friendship, did Emery start to see herself more.
“Requiem (from Dear Evan Hansen)” covered by Anna - This is Emery morning her human life (more repressing the grief for her humanity and most treasured love), that was stripped away from her. It wasn’t a great life. It was filled with a lot of regrets and acts she’d take back if she could. As her father disowned her after she was discovered partaking in unladylike pastimes. And her mother, who she was close to, slipped away to early-onset Alzheimer's (unknown at the time it was 1920′s) And it all topped off with her convincing herself she is not but a monster now.
“Closer” (Nine Inch Nails) Cover by Robyn Adele Anderson - So super NSFW song, but one thing that Em does is that she drowns her problems in sex. That is literally what’s going on in this song. Yay! :’D
“Vampire” by The Orion Experience - Super obvious song is super obvious! Emery’s a vampire! But also the lyrics do fittingly describe Em, with “Hotter than a campfire, Heart has got no pitty, sexy black stiletto, One kiss will bring you to your knees.” So obvious but fitting.
“Candy Store” from Heathers, acoustic cover by Mariah Rose Faith - So Emery was base a bit on Heather Chandler from Heathers, (and yes, MY Heather did get her name from this movie/play, though I don’t feel like fits any character from Heathers. I just watch the movie the night before my friends pressed me for a name for the chaotic “girl”) the whole mega-bitch, queen bee vibe, but as I explored her character more and she became more than just mean, pretty girl, I feel like the acoustic cover of this song is fitting. Cause she’s still mean and bitch, but there’s sadness in there too.
“There are Worse Things I Could Do” from Grease - Hopefully this link works cause I love this performance of the song, which I believe is from the Australian cast recording, but apparently it no longer exists except on my iPod? so I put it up unlisted on my youtube. But again this song I feel goes to the heart that; Yeah Emery’s a bitch but she’s not unfeeling, even though she’d really like you to think she is causing, fuck your sympathy, she a cruel evil monster. Honestly, she’s a lot like Vincent in that she doesn’t like to show her vulnerabilities. I’ve imagined her singing this song to Heath, to Logan. And honestly, this vision I think has the best emotional. don’t @ me for that, just my opinion.
“The Vampire” by Solace and Fury - again! The super obvious song is super obvious! Emery’s a vampire! But I like this song cause I think it goes to Emery’s mentality of being a Vampire isn’t glitzy and glamourous. She is though, but being glamourous and being a vampire are mutually exclusive. As a vampire, you're a monster, your this dark creature that does dark and horrific things. It ain’t sexy. Emery is sexy, but again, mutually exclusive.
Thanks for the ask @icybreaths, I hope you enjoy the songs and the explanation behind why they're in Emery’s playlist. I actually have playlists for every OC, Ship, and relationship. And I’ve considered doing Musical Mondays, where it’s a requested OC or Pair + an emotion or event. Idk, I just hoard music
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This is the q and a created by @bathtub
1. favorite song from his channel?
Definitely either give up on your dreams of becoming a baker, or guide to the fringe. or darts. I love them all, though.
2. favorite dances moving episode?
ep 5: partner dancing. gets me every time
3. favorite non-song video?
probably buy my bed. i can quote it almost from memory
4. stranger sings or the croon?
okay i hate to say this but i haven’t seen either. i just don’t have the time! probably stranger sings, though, bc i like stranger things
5. favorite video in the unlisted playlist?
🎵don’t read the comments 2018🎵
6. best episode of bri and jo's tryin’ show?
okay so i haven’t seen all of these either. I’m sorry! I have a short attention span!
7. zuko or moose?
zuko. i’m a cat person
8. would you trust hugh brandity to advise you on how to find your brand?
absolutely. not. i don’t want to be permanently cursed...
9. walking on the west highland way or lake district walking?
this was a really hard one, but lake district walking. I just like the ending better.
10. which of brian’s siblings would you rather meet?
Laura. Is this even a question?
11. favorite song from look up?
probably five minutes. I like upbeat songs, and this was one of the first altogether songs that i listened to.
12. favorite song from when we were kids? (the album not some existential nostalgia question)
emelina, right or wrong!
13. favorite original song from the altogether?
aaaaah um maybe emelina right or wrong. I also like history read, though.
14. favorite altogether cover?
idk if this counts but i really like metamorphosis of a timberlake. also i wish.
15. favorite altogether song that isn't on spotify (but hopefully will be soon)?
ladybug! ladybug! ladybug! i’m so hyped for its official release!
16. favorite lyrics from the altogether?
i’m not looking at it right now but i like that line in clean slated state about quilts
17. do you prefer the youtube or spotify versions of the altogether songs?
Mostly, spotify. I appreciate the songs that are only on yt, though.
18. favorite episode of let’s make a music?
the third one!
19. favorite song from lmam?
i actually really like the theme song. It makes me happy
20. favorite character from lmam?
idk if you can tell but i’ve only heard the first few episodes of lmam. I like Mr. Dad, though.
21. what’s more underappreciated: jonah’s playing or laura’s singing?
i’d say jonah’s playing. don’t fight me.
22. who’s a better parent: the dad in proud egg mouth or sybil in sybil’s night scare?
i haven’t heard either of these episodes. if you’re still reading, i’m so sorry
23: most underrated lmam song?
i don’t feel qualified to answer this question
24: which cryptid would you rather have to confront: mr. dad or scumbo?
mr. dad. bc he’s the only one i know
25: do you prefer the original heartbreak in michael’s or the reprise?
i haven’t heard either of those
26: do you have a favorite tweet that was sent into lmam?
nope :(
and finally
27: favorite overall video/podcast episode/song/any single piece of content not from polygon?
darts. <3
#this was a journey#im so sorry#just normal bathroom stuff#i need to listen to more lmam#bdg#the altogether#LMaM#dances moving#just realized i forgot to finish the top#im really sorry bath-tub-up-you-up#in more ways than one
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SU Movie Liveblog
I had this open in one tab and the movie in another and wrote down my thoughts, let’s go! so sorry to people on mobile.
DIAMOND SONG, DIAMOND SONG
Yeah, makes sense that two years still isn’t really enough to sway them from thinking he’s still pink in some way- especially considering even the crystal gems had that problem after thirteen years.
ICE COLD, STEVEN
his big grin when connie kisses his cheek.... SO good
FAMILIAR DID NOT PREPARE ME FOR OLDER STEVEN’S SINGING VOICE
steven getting a song about being proud of himself and knowing he’s grown into a good person is also SO GOOD
and pearl! pearl’s part! also so great!
oooh, they’re all getting a piece!
garnet referring to her first fusion with terms like parents talk about a baby is PRECIOUS
AAAAA FIRST GLIMPSE AT BBY AMETHYST.... and she comes out with weird limbs like one of those drawing pose dolls, what a nice touch!
DON’T THINK I DON’T SEE THE BETAS THERE.... but no jasper, hmm....
RECREATING THE THEME SONG, I SEE YOU...
maybe it’s because I know what’s coming but making a song called ‘happily ever after’ is just asking for disaster, honey...
Steven Regrets Tempting Fate
steven looks younger when spinel asks who he is and that HAS to be by design.
hmm... is the gem drill connected to her form somehow, with how she formed her hand and it came out?
oooh boy, I’m gonna guess.... spurned member of pink’s court?
SPINEL GETS A SONG RIGHT AWAY, AND HER ANIMATION IS SO FUN
I LOVE IT
and ‘other friends’? yeah, definitely part of pink’s former court.
HER WEAPON IS A FUCKING SCYTHE HOLY SHIT
oh fuck oh fuck oh fuuuuuuck
‘holy s-he really got everybody!’ the boy is 16 greg, he can hear A Swear
oh shit, THIS THING TAKES YOU BACK TO ‘RESTART’ MODE, THAT’S WHY STEVEN’S POWERS DON’T WORK- THEY DIDN’T UNTIL HE WAS AROUND 13
well, THIS is uncomfortable, but it is always nice to hear pearl sing
the expressions seem... idk, extra cartoony here? pearl’s face is so round and everyone’s eyes look extra big. idk if it fits, but it’s probably meant to be a bit unsettling.
huh. someone smarter than me at analysis will have to talk about amethyst’s mimicking.
damn, they really did try to pacify pink with gifts of gems, didn’t they? I can already see so clearly what happened.
‘it took me MONTHS to stop trying to kill steven!’ peridot is so good
and then bismuth and lapis just build on it, NICE
that pose, with him having a hand on his face and looking back at the injector.... I swear either him or greg have had that EXACT pose in some other episode.
okay, pink was hyper and childish, but even she would have gotten bored and annoyed with spinel. I bet spinel was commissioned specifically by blue, but the pink that blue thought she knew, not the one that actually existed.
wow, about fourteen minutes. pretty short turnaround time for a ‘well shit that went bad fast’ reprise.
spinel’s little squeaky shoes during the reprise is... wow
BISMUTH GETS PART OF A SONG....
‘hijinks will ensue’
ANIME-ASS GARNET REFUSION....
if I was new!garnet I’d be scared and confused too... cmon, steven. she clearly looks really disjointed rn.
the first time I actually said ‘oh my GOD’ out loud in this movie was pearl rolling out the stairs and the red carpet
I OWN A CAR WASH
oh geez. boy do I think I know exactly why pink ditched her.
okay, we are.... about halfway through the movie. I do admit I didn’t think this would take this long.
also sandals as tap shoes?
the comic timing of amethyst opening her eyes and look over made me wheeze with laughter.
‘I’m back, you dip.’
also having amethyst be the first to come back was probably a good call.
holy shit is that ACTUAL BLOOD
‘you’re going to die ANYWAY’ gee thanks peridot
oh hey, rebecca as an extra, I think!
I love seeing how sadie’s letting her hair grow out the dye- it makes such a cool effect. and yeah that was how service jobs felt.
steven is just ‘what did I do to deserve this...’
geez, even years after he’s accepted things, steven’s still got a bit of a tight spot regarding rose. not surprised, though.
GARNET, THEY’RE MISSING GARNET, OOOOH
YES YES YES YES YESSSSSS I’VE WANTED THIS FOR /YEARS/, NOT UNDER THIS CIRCUMSTANCE BUT I’LL TAKE IT
I love how easy it is, same as it was for smoky the first time. steven fuses easiest with his family.
okay who the hell is that voice, I checked on imdb and it’s probably either chance the rapper or gallant since those are the unlisted named ones
WHY IS HE BUFF, THIS IS A RIPOFF, BOTH STEVEN AND GREG ARE SOFT BOYS...
yeah.... I don’t like his design. this is the first fusion I really didn’t like that of. ugh.
d’awww, garnet’s wearing steven’s jacket
they threw in the pilot design again!
OPAL SINGING, and admittedly, I do like the steven and greg fusion’s voice
ooooh boy heading for that ocean of poison ain’t gonna do him any favors
pink.... she recreated that garden, made it her sanctuary on earth. she didn’t have only bad memories of it- she must not have realized how much she mattered to spinel like she didn’t realize she mattered to the other diamonds.
the distorted almost circus-like music....
A SONG FROM PINK HOLY COW. wait... that voice sounds really different. is that the same voice actress?
yiiiiiiiiiiiikes. geez I see the reasoning here, holy COW.
‘actually, I can totally believe it’ yeah, as much as I like pink, boy did she fuck up a few times
okay, we got 24 minutes left, this can’t work, right? although spinel only cracked somewhat recently, it sounds like. so really, she’s not that far gone- and considering what we know, probably didn’t fully understand the consequences of her actions.
greg. greg. gross.
I... dunno really how to feel about the su movie being.... basically what everyone who misinterprets su says it is. spinel was made to be redeemed in twenty minutes. her backstory makes it almost shockingly easy. she’s technically the only villain to actually fall like that- like it’s been pointed out, peridot took months, bismuth was already sympathetic, and the diamonds took multiple episodes and still aren’t fully there yet.
I did kinda call that it wasn’t going to be that easy, but whoof. I don’t blame steven though, kid’s under a lot of pressure and is possibly literally dying.
OH, HERE’S THE THEME SONG FOR THE MOVIE
wait.... we haven’t seen alexandrite yet, wasn’t she in the trailer....? and they’re all hugging...
the little crack in his voice between ‘please’ and ‘hurry’...
I love how spinny and magic fusions and gem reformations are in the movie....
wow, BOY did the song sound different when it was released out of context
HE’S GOT CONTROL OF PINK!STEVEN’S SHIELDS AND CRYSTAL PROJECTION SHIELDS....
he sounds so.... adult. I know it’s just that zach is 21 years old now and his voice has changed, but steven really has grown up.
‘well, I changed white diamond’s mind with a single absolutely raw insult so you can’t blame a guy for trying’
yeah I’D KINDA WORRY ABOUT THE POISON.... LIKE RIGHT NOW....
WHY ARE THEY PLAYING THE HAPPY TUNE THE POISON IS STILL A VERY PRESSING ISSUE
if this is how they fix it I’m gonna be a little annoyed, not gonna lie
I just realized spinel reacted to steg so much because it jumpstarted part of her memories- her friend left to become a ‘fusion’.
white being passive-aggressive, I see. 15000 year old habits die hard.
steven: thanks for insulting my home five minutes after getting here, grandma. bitch.
haha, diamond ex machina
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unlisted platonic/familial f/os
whew this’ll be a helluva infodump, i’ve just been thinking like i’ve considered adding certain characters to my list but i’m very unsure about it?? mostly cos i’m not very used to it lol
the ONLY familial f/o i can 100% see myself interacting w/ is miles from into the spiderverse cos i’m his uncle’s fiancée and they’re both very close
there are MANY others that are a possibility
most likely to interact
sirius - selkie’s sidekick, i can actually see us getting along quite well!! however selkie and i have a long distance relationship so i wouldn’t get to see her very often, we might try to stay in touch somehow
miime - she claims to have full devotion to harlock (my boyfriend) in canon, but i see their relationship as completely platonic, since they’re very close i see us interacting often, i quite like her actually, she’s very calm & wise, i’m drawn to her voice as it’s very soothing, i feel like she’d come to comfort me in times of depressing or stressful situations
etihw - in canon they’re married to kcalb, but in my ship they’re both in a platonic relationship (even despite me being ok with the canon ship), it’s very likely we’d be close too
less likely to interact / generally unsure
hop - leon’s little brother! he looks up to him a lot and it’s very sweet, i only started shipping with leon recently and haven’t really decided on our living situation, so how often hop and i would see each other is a bit complicated to say the least
amajiki & kirishima - fat gum’s interns, i really adore the idea of taishiro being their parental figure though i’m not quite sure of being one myself
nagi - idate’s niece, ok i’m just gonna say i rlyyyy hate dsp’s portrayal of their interactions because some are super awful & gross, so i’ve taken it upon myself to say screw the canon, they have a very normal familial relationship and it’s gonna stay that way :^} however it’s never specified how often they interact in canon, tho from the way idate’s brother disagrees with her being close to him (understably) it probably isn’t very often
allister - the lil ghost gym leader! i rly adore this kid he’s so precious, tho to call him an f/o, even as family, with no other adults involved just feels weird so i’m rlyyy not sure abt it, that being said i would die for him lmao
opal - the fairy gym leader, oo this one’s kinda touchy (tw: family passing), i feel like me considering her as my grandparental f/o is cos i recently lost both my grandmas in less than a year of each other, so it was a pretty rough time for me, idk, i like her character! i think she seems like a cool gma to have, and i rly like fairy pokémon so lol, she could also be considered a comfort f/o
aizawa - pro hero and teacher, i only just thought of this as i was writing the rest lol, i do like his character but maybe just as a friend?? i feel like it would be interesting to consider since my si(s) don’t have many friends, at least not any that i can name off the top of my head lmao
#eryn talks#eryn writes#self shipping#self shipping community#selfship#i def wouldnt be opposed to being sent asks abt this!#mags & litebrite being bffs is kind of an inside gag for me lmao#other than that i should rly consider getting friends shit can be kinda lonely sgsjgk
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Wow something so right is beautiful by will... how many unlisted, secret videos are out there of him?? The only other I know of is Helen (big fave). Has anyone managed to get a bunch together in a playlist maybe?
ugh i know like, i like the original song, but i like will’s cover better so that’s just a gift to me b/c i get to enjoy it even more…..
idk how many specifically Unlisted videos are out there that ppl have managed to find……..there’s definitely “public videos that feature him but wouldn’t necessarily show up if you just searched will roland” vids that seem to occasionally make it onto people’s playlists but there does not seem to be any super comprehensive playlist anywhere
yeah his performance of helen is great and it’s got even more Resonance now knowing that was one of the first joe iconis songs he heard back in that fated class at his college….he’s doing that Acting like he does and his singing is great, i personally live for the super sharp wowowow!!!s at the end and it just goes to show how he can do shit with his voice that isn’t necessarily easy when in singing mode and yet he’s throwing it around all over the place and switching tone and making noises….classic will
i’m always advertising his performance of comfort and joy but i’ll advertise it again…not exactly top secret b/c the full cast is listed in the description but before i found it i had no idea it existed. the whole video is great, everyone’s right that it’s the best comfort and joy performance to be found on youtube like, i could go on and on. and his solo bit partway through the song absolutely is just…god…….
similarly there’s this nuts vid i found where again, it mentions him in the description, but it’s another piece of wrol content i wouldn’t’ve found if i hadn’t dug around a little bit and kinda known where to look. not as buried as other bits of stuff i’ve found but still like….definitely hadn’t known it existed prior. what’d i tweet abt it the other day like, the song might break your neck killing you instantly a half dozen times but will and melody are really killing it in a good way also like they’re great
another beautiful piece i had to know where to look, this unproducible smackdown “trailer”…..it’s on vimeo and not a performance but it’s so fun and i’m glad i found it
trying to think of other “secret” videos i’ve come across….there’s definitely plenty where i’m like “why the crap is the viewcount so low on this gem” but like yeah that’s a few examples there
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Running Into You - No. 6
Installment number 6 in my series of AU oneshots about Dan meeting his favourite youtuber AmazingPhil for the first time.
AO3 link
Genre: Fluff, with a sort of 2009-ish feel (but it’s still AU)
Warnings: A bit of swearing and some mentions of low self-esteem but literally it’s just fluff
Prompt: Missent Text
Summary: Dan’s on his gap year, so naturally he’s spending most of his time lounging around on the internet, watching his favourite youtubers and scrolling through tumblr. When he gets an accidental text from an unknown number, he doesn’t think much of it, until a series of events start to convince him the sender might just be someone he idolises: AmazingPhil.
A/N: This draft is like 2 years old, but @agingphangirl convinced me to post this while we’re waiting for pinof. It’s epistolary form, so I hope it isn’t too confusing. Hope you like it ^_^
Phil’s texts are italics, Dan’s texts are in quotation marks
…
6. Missent Text
Where r u?
Sorry what?
Where r u I’ve been here 10 mins
…Am I supposed to be somewhere?
You said on dm you’d be here at 6, I’m getting cold ^_^
Um I’m sorry mate but you must have the wrong number
Oh crap!! Sorry!!
.Lmao it’s ok. Just checked my dms and nothing interesting enough to make me be outside in this weather sorry
Tell me about it x_x I’m freezing. But if you’re not peej then I’ll be here a while
Unfortunately for you I go by Dan
Oh. Well, hello Dan. Sorry for bothering you with my freezing antics
Nvm it’s cool
It’s more than COOL, it’s COLD enough for ICICLES
I’m sure ur exaggerating
No my nose is an actual block of ice
Where even are you? Unless you’re in the Arctic you might want to get that seen to
--
Sorry! Peej showed up eventually (the friend I thought you were). Turns out he gave me the wrong number. All sorted now. I promise not to bother you again
Honestly it’s fine. I probably need more human contact so you did me a favour
Haha, glad to be of service ^_^ also I was in Manchester. It’s so cold it snowed. My icicle nose is allowed
Manchester? That’s like waaaaay in the north
Not that far but cold enough for icicle noses :P
Yes yes ok you’re allowed an icicle nose
Haha thanks :P so where are you, if not in the north?
Reading
Ohhhh so a proper southerner
I guess you could say that
Well hello Dan the proper southerner
God no that makes me sound like a queens guard or something
Do you queens guard people have time to text?
We’re too busy dealing with the corgis and all that shit
I knew it 0.o
XD but really I’m sitting in bed on the internet lol
Actually same
Haha really?
Yep. Which sites you on?
Just the usual. Tumblr, YouTube. My favourite youtuber has a new video due out tonight
Nice ^_^
What sites are you on?
Currently uploading a video to my YouTube channel
You have a channel?!
Haha yeah ^_^
Which one? Would I know it?
I don’t know. It isn’t a huge deal but it’s fun
Yeah I mean I admire that. I’d love to have a channel
Why don’t you?
Idk too scared I guess
Awr ^_^ nothing to be scared about honest, it’s just you and a camera
And the whole of the internet xD
Haha I try not to think about that part 0.o thousands of people watching me
Thousands? Wow so you must be a pretty big channel
Heh I guess, maybe ^_^ so who are your favourite youtubers?
Oh man I have loads XD Smosh, community channel, AmazingPhil (the one I’m waiting for the new video), charlieissocoollike
That’s a good mix ^_^ my new video is 99% uploaded and stuck there x_x
Seriously? Your connection needs to sort its shit out
Haha yeah it really does. I think it’s being attacked by bees
Bees?
Or wasps
Seriously?
Tiny horned beetles?
Do they even exist?
Idk but if they do they’re attacking my wifi
I’ll send the insect spray
Haha thanks XD it must have worked as my video is finally uploaded!
—
…Great video. Especially the lion wedding, that was sweet
Haha thanks! Glad you liked it, took ages to get the dress on lioness. Plus my mum nearly walked in on me 0.o
Holy fuck you actually are AmazingPhil aren’t you
Um, well, yes.
Sorry.
AmazingPhil, FantasticPhil, Epic Youtuber
or just Phil if you prefer
I probably should have told you
Jesus shitting fuck I’m sorry for bothering you
Don’t be daft! I accidentally texted you first ^_^
Yeah but I bet you didn’t expect to end up with a weird fanboy. Um. Not that I’m a stalker I promise
Haha it’s ok Dan honestly
I’m not going to spread your number around or anything holy shit like I’m so sorry
Honestly, please don’t worry, it’s been nice talking to you ^_^ I appreciate you not spreading my number around though. I got lucky with you, don’t want to risk a creepy stalker finding me 0.o
Lmao I promise xD how do you know for sure I’m not a creepy stalker though
0.o I’ll set the bees against you
I’ll start running now
Haha
—
So out of curiosity how long have you been watching my videos for?
Oh um a couple of years now
Really? That’s awesome!
Yeah. You actually replied to one of my comments once ^_^ made my day
Aw haha that’s great, which video?
The toxic one
Oh my god >.<
Haha it’s a good video :P
I should remove it from the internet immediately
Don’t you dare! Your fans would be sad
X_x well this isn’t very fair if you know about me but I don’t know you at all
Well you know my name’s Dan
And you’re from Reading. Tell me more? ^_^
unless you don’t want to, that’s fine, I’m just curious
Haha no it’s alright. Um. I’m Dan. I just finished my A levels and now I’m taking a gap year
Oh cool ^_^ going to uni after that?
Probably. Thinking of law
Wow, that’s impressive
Haha we’ll see ^_^
Just checking but how old are you? I don’t want to be a creep 0.o
Lmao dw I’m 18 everything is legal
Phew XD Anything else I should know?
Well I’m currently undefeated at mario kart
What seriously? You’ve never lost?
Nope and I don’t plan to start :P
I’d beat you
I really wish we could test that theory
Haha that would be fun :P we could always test it over Skype sometime?
That’s probably really weird sorry
I promise I’m not a creeper
It’s ok, and yeah, I’d love to Skype sometime
Yeah? Yay! :D
Lmao you’re probably going to want to run a mile when you see me though
I doubt that very much unless you have like five eyes or something
Five eyes? Wtf XD
Idk you could be a giant spider
[insert pic] See? Not a giant spider :P
Oh wow yeah not a giant spider. I spy a cute guy :P
Shut up >.<
Nice hair
Lol I swear I had it like this before I started watching you
[insert pic] And here I thought I’d started a trend
Crap you actually are Phil >.< yeah your hair is cool enough to be a trendsetter tbh
Haha thanks XD and yeah I am Phil. Is that a problem?
Are you kidding me? Nope except I turn even more awkward than normal around people I admire
Aw well awkward people are the best. And at least there aren’t videos of you half-naked on the internet
You make a good point
—
Hey so I’m uploading a new video tonight but I can’t decide if it’s actually any good. Check it out for me?
Omfg are you seriously saying I get a sneak preview on an AmazingPhil video
Yes please ^_^ I might have overweirded. Need a second opinion
Omfg
just like
give me a moment
wtf
fucking hell
wow ok
I’m calm now
yes I would love to check your video for you
Haha thanks. It’s up as unlisted, [insert link] please be honest with me if it’s terrible
Wow man that’s awesome! I love how interactive it is!
Omfg seriously how are you this creative like you shouldn’t be allowed
Haha really? Wow thanks, I’m not sure about the shot angle though and the lighting is kinda terrible
Yeah ngl the lighting is bad but you can’t control the sun
You never know! I could be a weatherman. But you seriously think I should upload it?
[insert pic with thumbs up] totally I love it
Aw I forgot how hot you are. It’s going up tonight then
CUTE I MEANT CUTE
Gah I’m sorry
Haha it’s fine, getting called hot is never bad in my book ;)
Would you believe it was autocorrect?
Haha if you want :P sounds pretty unlikely though
I’m hiding in a pillow and never coming out
No! Then your subscribers will hate me for taking you away
[insert pic in a pillow] do you like my new home
XD don’t hide from me seriously like you have a video to upload
[insert pic] ok true it’s on 68%
Damn YouTube upload times
Tell me about it. Have you ever uploaded a video then?
Lmao there’s one of me being a boss at DDR
Yeah? Can I check it out?
>.< Um sure, I’m a lame nerd though
Dan, have you even met me?
Haha ok true :P [insert link] just don’t say I didn’t warn you
No one’s feet should be allowed to move that fast. You’re so good, I fall over whenever I try and play
Haha I could teach you
Please be my DDR master Dan-sensei
Depends what you give me :P
I’ve got Pokemon cards
I’m sold
—
[insert pikachu with a lion pic] this was too cute not to show you
Awwww! Rawr ^_^ where is that?
Shop called forbidden planet. I’m in London on work experience and went there on my break
0.o London? You’re braver than me, capital cities scare me
Aw poor Phil haha
[insert pic] do I look ready for work?
Very serious
Srs bsns
[insert scared face pic] I’ll take YouTube any day
Haha. Me too tbh. Law offices are big and dull
Why do you want to do it then?
Idk. Job security? Having a point in life?
Fair enough :P
You did English didn’t you? Sorry I swear I’m not a stalker
Haha it’s fine ^_^ and yeah, English language and linguistics. Then a masters in post-production
Wow that’s so cool. So you’re in your 20s?
22 ^_^ My masters is the only reason I know how to edit videos :P
I wish I could
Well I can always teach you
Seriously?!
Yeah of course, I reckon you’d be great at making videos
Really? Lmao I’m so awkward tho
That can work in your favour, trust me :P
Haha well if you say so, YouTube senpai
Listen well Dan-kun and you too will learn the ways of the YouTube
Haha you’re so strange
You’re just jealous
[insert pic] so much
Stop taking pics at work
But it’s so boring. At least send me one back, save me from the dullness
[insert pic] on my way to a meetup so might be a bit slow
Oh cool meetup like YouTube meetup?
I guess that must be fun
I’d love to go to one but too scared and awkward lol
Save me work is literally killing me
I can’t actually keep working here
ugh why did I ever think law was a good idea I’m going to die at uni
Whoops sorry I seem to have spammed your phone
—
Hey Dan, sorry! I forgot to bring my charger to the meetup so my phone has only just come back to me. I mourned it’s passing *plays lion king music*
Oh that’s ok
I really am sorry that I couldn’t distract you from your work
Lmao no worries
Don’t know if it’ll make it any better but I am working on a new video and lion says he thinks law is a very admirable career option
Tell lion thanks and I’d be even more grateful if he did my degree for me
He says sign him up where are you going to uni anyway?
Well I’m not there yet. I have to start applying soon
Looked around any?
Errrr I’ll get on that
Isn’t the deadline soon?
Yeah but I’m an epic procrastinator
Lion is very disappointed
Lion can suck my dick
Dan!
Lmao I was kidding
XD
besides you’re 18 you have loads of time to sort stuff out
Yeah but I have literally no idea what I’m doing
No one does. That’s why you go to uni - to figure it out
You seemed to have it all together
Haha thanks, but honestly, I was just making stupid videos in my bedroom
does that sound wrong?
Lmao a little yeah
Oops
Dw lol if you’re a sexual predator you’re a bit far away to do any real damage
True
:( I’d rather you were nearer tbh
Even if I’m a sexual predator?
Lol I don’t really think you are though
Well I’m not
And me too, Dan
—
[insert pic] last day at the office today I literally couldn’t be happier
Lol I can see from your face
[insert pic] is it that obvious
Rawr
I’ll send lioness to aid you
Lioness not lion?
She’s much fiercer
Lmao probs true either way I’ll take help
At least soon you’ll be free
Yeah I literally can’t wait
Gonna do something to celebrate? ^_^
Lol all my friends are at uni
[insert pic] well Lion and I are proud of you
Aw thanks ^_^ I still forget you’re AmazingPhil sometimes
I’m deeply offended
no but really I’m just Phil and you’re really cool
sorry
Na it’s fine I just had to work
Oops XD
I’m hiding out in the toilets now so we’re fine lmao
and I have no issues with you being Phil
I mean it could be worse at least you aren’t a creepy stalker
I hope not. Also uploading another video tonight, I think you’ll like it
!!! Best celebration ever
^_^
—
So I may have been stalking you on Twitter and it seems your birthday is soon?
0.o stalker. And yeah it is ^_^
wait you follow me? What’s your Twitter handle?
Um. Yes I follow you. And this is going to sound very awkward and stuff but I kind of want to send you a birthday present
Omg Dan you don’t have to do that
Well I’d kinda like to so :P should I use your PO box?
Nah that takes ages to check, I’ll give you my actual address
I promise not to hunt you down
Tbh if it’s you I wouldn’t even mind
Omg
[insert pic with address] there you go
Lol is that a bank statement?
Yeah I’m so profesh
Phil! I could literally rob you
Well I trust that you won’t :P
Lmao you’d better
What’s your Twitter handle btw? You never said
Uh its danisnotonfire.
But please don’t judge me oh god I’m such a nerd
Dan honestly you’re the coolest person I know
sorry was that a bit much?
No! I’m just struggling to respond to the best youtuber out there calling me cool
Not just cool, the coolest :P wow you’ve commented on my tweets quite a bit
>.<
Sorry I never noticed you properly
You accidentally texted me I think that wins
Haha true
—
Happy birthday!
Thanks! ^_^ I have family stuff but I’ll talk to you as soon as I’m done
Sure sure have a great day!
—
DAN OMG
YOUR PRESENTS
YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE YOU ACTUALLY SHOULDN’T
[insert excited pic cuddling the presents] you’re amazing
you’re so amazing
I can’t believe you
honestly you’re too amazing
how did I ever meet someone this nice and funny and cool and kind and cute and sweet
honestly
and I know you must be sleeping it’s like 2am but I have to tell you
OMG you’re too adorable
who let you be like this and you’re too far away :(
I wish you could be here so I could give you a thank-you hug
Wow I’m glad you liked them :P I’ll take a thank-you hug
What are you doing still up?
Can’t sleep how was the party?
GR8 M8! My parents embarrassed me in front of everyone
Oh no what did they do?
Got the baby photos out >.<
Lmao I’d love to see that
I was ginger
OMG for real?!
Yes >.< *hides forever*
That’s adorable
You’re adorable
Your mum’s adorable
Actually shut up
:P aren’t you too old for immature arguments now
Go to sleep
Lmao I’m glad it was good though
Thanks yeah it was rly good
Looking through the photos now
Any good ones?
Mostly drunk XD [insert pic]
Who’s that guy?
My cousin
Lmao ok I was about to say hands off
XD he was really drunk
You look a bit worse for the wear too
I may be slightly intoxicated
Haha tut tut Lester
Shut up Dan :P what is your surname?
Howell
Howell? Like a wolf?
Lmao if you like
Awooooooo
You’re so strange XD
AwoloooooOooooOOOOO
it suits you though
you’re very brown
XD aren’t wolves grey?
Well yeah
but like
you have their wildness
Lmao I’m taking that as a compliment
You should
you’re hot as hell
but so young and sticky out
like a baby deer
A wolf and a baby deer?
And eyes like an owl
You and your animal metaphors
None of those are quite right though
Like your eyes are too pretty they’re more like the night sky
but coloured with earth
You’re drunk
I mean it though
…I know
I wish I had eyes like yours
No! Yours are perfect
They’re big and weird
They’re deep and beautiful and I could swim in them all day
and I’m not drunk
I should be sleeping
You’re sleep-drunk :P which is actually a thing you know
Right I’m going to sleep
Noooooooo
We’ll talk about this when we’re both more sane
But I don’t want you to go
it’s quiet and sad when you aren’t around
and I’m cold here now
and it’s my birthday
Dan?
Dan?
Happy birthday you idiot. Now go to sleep
night Dan <333
—
I’m so sorry about last night I had too much to drink
Haha it’s ok it was your birthday
Yeah but still
I’m so sorry if I made you uncomfortable
You didn’t. There’s nothing to worry about
Do we need to talk about this?
Um. Do you want to?
Kind of
But kind of not
I don’t want to make you feel awkward
I’m always awkward
Dan, for real. You know what I mean.
Yeah I think I do
Do we need to talk about it?
I think we’re both aware it’s there. Let’s just see where it goes?
Yeah ok sounds good. And no awkwardness?
None at all, I promise <3
Good <3
—
Hey Dan, are you still up for Skype at some point?
Yeah, sure ^_^ tonight?
Yeah! I’ll just finish up editing
Ooh, what’s it like?
Haha spoilers :P what’s your Skype name?
Danisnotonfire same as Twitter
Original :P
added you
‘AmazingPhil has added you to his contacts’ you’re just as original I see
Shut up and answer the call
—
So my eyes are even bluer on skype? :P
Haha shuddup
They’re even more blue in person
Are they even blue lmao they’re like 3 different colours
[insert pic] mostly blue
Greeny yellow blue
Very poetic
Shuddup :P
sorry I’ll stop
Please don’t
Lol fishing for compliments?
Well if they’re being offered
You’re impossible
That isn’t a compliment
You’re ridiculously strange?
I’ll take that
Haha of course you would :P
So what are you up to?
Actually answering a few texts for once, you?
Throwing around some video ideas but I’m bored now. Who’re you texting?
Some school friends who are at uni
Nice ^_^
Well. Sort of. It’s weird
Tell me about it?
It’s just they all have these lives that are moving forwards and away from home and leaving me behind
and I just
My ex is dating someone else and I’m in exactly the same place as I was when she broke up with me
And I’m not content but I don’t really want to go anywhere or do anything and I just don’t know what on earth I’m going to do with my life
Were you happy with them before school ended?
Idk. I thought so at the time. But I don’t think I’ve ever really been happy, not yet
It’s ok. You don’t have to know right now. And one day you’ll leave all of them behind too and move on to something better
I think I already am. Having you around is better than them
Sorry
Haha don’t apologise for being so sweet ^_^
Also I’m single now. And bi. Just to avoid confusion
I’m bi too. Probably
Probably?
Not a massive fan of labels if I’m honest
If I feel something for someone then that’s all that matters
Might be demi, might be bi, might be somewhere inbetween.
And I don’t want you to worry about your future, ok? Everything is going to fall into place
<3
And if it doesn’t I’ll be around to distract you with more lame animal comparisons
Haha I actually love you
Me too <3
—
Get on Skype!
Ok it’s late you’re probably sleeping
it’s just
ugh I don’t know who else to talk to so I’m going to rant at your phone like a completely normal person
but mum yelled at me for not doing my uni application yet
but I just don’t know what to do I mean law yes but how do I decide where?
This is huge
and I don’t want to rush into it
but she thinks I’m going to miss the deadline though there’re months left
and I just
ugh
now she isn’t talking to me
-
Dan I’m sorry I was sleeping. Skype now?
I really don’t mind you spamming my phone, please do, always, I’d rather you had somewhere to talk about this stuff
And you know, Manchester uni is good. I could show you around
—
I spoke to mum about going to look around the uni.
She asked where I would stay.
I kind of told her I have friends at uni there.
It’s a half truth right?
Awesome ^_^ Um do you think she’d like to know the truth?
Probably.
Idk.
She might freak out and be worried
Because you’re meeting a random man you’ve never met before?
Lmao when you put it like that
Are you honestly ok with this? It’s fine if you’re not
No no I’m so ok. I want to meet you. Like properly
I want that too. So much
So it’s going to happen. I’m buying train tickets
Awesome ^_^ but your mum?
Do you think I should tell her?
I think she’d be happier knowing where you are
Yeah. Yeah I know. I’ll talk to her
Give her my phone number too. And my address
Lmao you after more stalkers?
Dan I’m serious I want you to be safe
You spoon
yeah I’ll tell her everything. She might not be best pleased though
Dw if she locks you up I’ll come rescue you
<3
<3
—
I told her
!!! And?
She said yes
OMG!!!!! I’m out atm but Skype as soon as I get back?
Yes please :P
[insert happy pic]
[insert happy pic]
—
Hey Dan you should make a YouTube channel before you visit me
?? Really?
Yeah I mean you always say you want to. And we could do a collab ^_^
For serious?!
Yeah! I mean, if you want to
I’ve been wanting to do a Q and A for a while and it would be fun I think
Omfg
Is that a yes?
Hell yes it’s a yes
Um only problem is
How do I even make a video?
However you want ^_^ you’ve told me loads of good ideas
But they’re so lame lmao
They’re really not. I promise.
Why not start with an introduction? Then you can go on to your actual content
Omg but like do you really think I could?
Honestly! Yes.
Ok
Ok
My mum’s going out in a minute so I’ll have the house to myself. I could film
That’s brilliant! I’m about to head out with mum but film whilst I’m gone and we can Skype later yeah?
Ok wow
omg
ok
Phil this isn’t working I sound so stupid
fucking hell I can’t do this
You can! Act like you’re on Skype to me
Can we Skype?
Still visiting my brother sorry :( tonight we will
Ok. I’ll keep trying
You can do it! Pretend the camera is me. Or any friend. It’ll help
Ok <3
<3
—
Holy fuck Phil I have views.
And subscribers! So many subscribers!
Told you!!
This is because you tweeted it
No, it’s because you’re really bloody talented
>.< I can’t believe I did that
You did and you’re awesome and I’m so proud of you!
Can’t wait to collab :D
Me neither, if you still want to I mean
Silly, of course I want to. Best thing about this month
<3
<3
—
Um so a bit of a change of plan
??? Do I need to cancel the train tickets?
No no! Just
Turns out my parents aren’t going to be here the weekend you’re visiting.
Is that a problem?
Lmao no why would it be
are you planning to ravish me or something
>.< I don’t think I’ve ever ravished anything in my life
Well you can start with me ;)
Dan!
Seriously though. Is it ok?
Yeah. Honestly it’s great.
Are you sure?
Are you?
Yeah I mean honestly it’ll be nicer to see you without having to get around them
I just don’t want to weird you out
You won’t
I hope not
Phil honestly I can’t wait
:D me neither
where are you btw? Skype isn’t picking up
Oh yeah, my internet is down, sorry
:O no wifi?!
No wifi. I’m not sure how I’m going to survive
I’ll spam you with texts
Please!
Actually I have something better
[incoming call: AmazingPhil]
—
I’m at the train station and it’s super early I’m not even sure you’re worth it
Sorry! I’ll make it up to you with hot coffee and hugs ^_^
Ok yeah you are worth it
Aw :D
On the train next to an old man who’s threatening to fall asleep on my shoulder
x_X tell him to keep his hands off
Lmao yeah I’m sure you’d really sort him out
I could be fierce
You’re literally a muffin with an emo fringe
I’ll fill your bag with bees
I’ll tame them into my own personal army
Then you’ll be our evil overlord
Mwahahaha
Can I be on your side when you take over the world?
Your lion powers could come in useful so yeah I guess so
Awesome we can run the world together
Yes :P
ugh the train is running late
:( by how much?
Twenty minutes atm
I’ll still get to the station at ten to
Well it might be running quite late by the time we get that far north
I don’t want to miss you. I’ll be there <3
I can’t wait
Me neither
Stuck in Stoke now. Literally the weirdest station I’ve ever seen
Haha really?
Yeah. And it’s packed. I had no idea this many people travelled this early on a Saturday, I didn’t even know this time exists
It doesn’t and you’re travelling in some other dimension right now
Shut up :P
Just waved my parents off. I’ll head out to the station soon
I’m so nervous
Me too <3
Promise you won’t run a mile?
Promise. I’ll see you soon Dan
See you soon
—
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Starset Livestream
It isn't there anymore but some lovely human happened to grab from 00:08 on the countdown to the ene Anyways thanks to them I can make an extremely random but hopefully informative post The Countdown: During the actual full three minute countdown the o X __ X face showed up once every 30 seconds, so it appeared 6 times. It looks like the cover of an album or a single. The 6th time it shows up, at 00:00 it's a square with a background that seriously looks like the background for a single. More about the actual face/symbol: It matches the way their icons on their social media pages look, with the eyes crossed out and the eye on their foreheads. The third eye goes be many names in modern mythology, and has many meanings. The third eye could signify a higher power- above the Starset Society and the FEC/USCOO (seriously idk if they're the same or different i should really reread the book...) But in the video, it specifically stated that there The Order has been found. That seems like the most likely possibility. Seeing as the normal eyes are crossed out, it could mean it's the death of said higher power. I personally think it could be symbolic of people blindly following a higher power, which would make sense with the Ignorance:Slavery::Knowledge:Power/Freedom motto of the Starset Society Now for the part we all want to know: Phase 3 so I've heard a few different theories about what phase 3 is. Perhaps they are hinting towards the theme of the next album. (the theme of the first album was the transmissions, the theme of the second was Thomas and Hailey.) The third could be centered on around the higher power. Alternatively, it could be centered around Thomas and Hailey taking down the FEC. At the end of the video, Dr. Wise is about to explain how they're going to take down the USCOO/FEC. And then he sees the camera or the phone. And this is where things get a little confusing. The Society didn't want the meeting recorded. So why did someone, and who are they? Presumably, it's whenever is behind the EyeZ thing. EyeZ announced the meeting, let us know ahead of time about the video. We saw it, the video was up for a few hours, and then it became unlisted or private. Most likely, the person (or people) behind EyeZ would either be rogue members of the Society or have an inside guy. more on EyeZ: the icons they picked were really really weird. Like... Mr Clean and the Quaker Oats guy. Their hair is green and the eyes are always crossed out. It reminds me of the Every Villain Is Lime thing. EyeZ is against the Society. But are they with the FEC? idk that's all I've got for now. sorry if this answered no questions. and I'm on mobile so sorry if you didn't wanna read all this. I don't know how to do the cut thing.
#starset#my demons#everglow#monster#dustin bates#brock richards#ron dechant#adam gilbert#halo#livestream#the order#message#transmissions#vessels
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1/5/19 Happy New Year
ok im gonna be honest... I dont remember the past 5 days other than i’m sick and can barely breath and i mad the mistake of going to the movies with some friends. i wanted to see mary poppins again so me and 4 friends were gonna go, well after we already planned that, one made me really uncomfortable when he was drunk messaging me and not accepting that i did not want a relationship with him. even going so far as to say he hates my ex simply cause he got me first. so im gonna call these friends A B C (as well as D and E to explain backstory) and explain who they are with a little key so i can give the story without being revealing of identities and what not.
Me - [fem] myself. I’ve know them for a little over 20 years and they tend to be a complete child and was treated as the child of friends back in high school and cared for as such. highly susceptible to emotional manipulation especially from people they trust
A - [fem] my best friend since 5th grade who i fondly refer to as my mama bear. my amazing protector of both physical and emotional battle grounds. the very person who’s house i ran to when i needed time away from my parents to figure things out before asking for therapy.
B - [male] twat i met my junior year who i started calling dad at some point and has since become completely unstable. very egotistical and leaves arguments if he isn’t winning constantly playing the victim card.
C - [male] guy who i was randomly introduced to through his younger brother adding him to a discord server i run as an attempt to shut down my ex for daring to call the unholy texts that are The Harry Potter Series “mediocre” (i also have his phone number randomly cause i used to know his twin) and has been friends with B for a while even going so far as to have a running joke of them being in a relationship even tho they are both straight.
D - [fem] B’s ex who i refer to as step mama and who tends to be fairly motherly towards me
E - [male] dude i was friends with in highschool and who was good friends with B
My Ex - [male] still on very good terms and he is very caring towards me. he tries to make sure im doing whats best for me and not letting anyone manipulate or harm me
ok that was bigger than i expected but im sick im not thinking straight so this gonna be a bit weird and long... ok heres the story:
so im all like “hey i wanna see Mary Poppins again!” and B and C are like yeah lets go! with B immediately stating how he had planned to see it with B before they broke up, already putting a slight damper on the thing but we got past it. a day or two after i end up with me and B agreeing (timestamp 9:30) to message on discord between 11-12 as well as set up a server for us and his little sis to play on. (the wait was for him watching doctor who with his family) so i shower and puzzle and finally with no word by 11:42 i message him asking for when he thinks he will be on to which i get the message “I don’t know I’m really drunk it’s gonna be a blast “... and now a transcript of what followed next copied word for word (well privacy edits) time stamps (and spelling errors) included:
ME Last Sunday at 11:44 PM
but i guess mary poppins day discusion will wait for tomorow
me and your sister agreed on doing ftb sky adventers
B Last Sunday at 11:45 PM
Ok
Btw
Hehe
I shouldn’t say it
ME Last Sunday at 11:45 PM
say it
cant say btw then not say it
dick
B Last Sunday at 11:46 PM
Well
Uhm
ME Last Sunday at 11:46 PM
yes?
B Last Sunday at 11:46 PM
I’m unhappy with [MY EX]
Because I was maybe going to ask you out
I can say this because I’m drunk
ME Last Sunday at 11:47 PM
omg lol (in the this is a funniy situation way, not laughing at you)
thought you were repulesed by me? yeesh [B] keep your story straight
after all i did like you a bit before i met [MY EX], but hes always nice and youre... drunk nice
so eta for server mister cassanova?
B Last Sunday at 11:51 PM
No I want to be nice to you sober too but for some reason I get scared so I hide behind lies
Idk a while
Tonight
ME Last Sunday at 11:51 PM
you dont have to be scared, im just shocking
B Last Sunday at 11:52 PM
Well if we go to Mary poppins
Even with [C], who I’d like to be there
Maybe a mini date?
ME Last Sunday at 11:52 PM
no.
B Last Sunday at 11:52 PM
Aqwww
ME Last Sunday at 11:52 PM
sorry but i cant date again not yet
B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM
I’m gonna be sad
ME Last Sunday at 11:53 PM
i told you why me and [MY EX] broke up
B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM
But when I’m sober I’m going to regret most of this
ME Last Sunday at 11:53 PM
its not good for me to be in a relationship rn
B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM
I know
Well
Actually
ME Last Sunday at 11:54 PM
look if things dont work out with [MY EX] once my brain is on the path to fixed then we will see, until then dont wait up for me
B Last Sunday at 11:54 PM
I think you do need to be with at least someone because when you are depressed and thrown out of it you need someone to relate to and talk and make you feel comforted and loved
Time alone isn’t the answer
ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM
except i have friends for that hon
B Last Sunday at 11:55 PM
Yeah
You dooo
ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM
you dont need a relationship relationship
i have a [A]
B Last Sunday at 11:55 PM
Well
Is she helping
Are you loved
ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM
i talk to her about everything mental
i talk to [IRRELEVANT MALE FRIEND] about physical questions
creepy right? well this kept going with me getting more and more uncomfortable and refusing to accept that i dont want a relationship (a quote from B in reference to my ex: “ He might be your daddy, but I’m your daddy” tf? and yes he bolded) to the point that i was just sticking around so hed put a server up for the pack. then a bit before 2 o’clock i say that im gonna get off at 2 cause that when i had planned to, to which he (im not sure if intentionally) manipulated me into staying on till 3 o’clock because he would tell me about a personal thing i was curious about. finally 3 o’clock comes around, we call and i hear the story and once the server is up he tells me hes gonna go play league with some people (note random online people not irl people he supposedly likes) and will be back in 20 mins. i figure what the hay ill wait. 40 mins later he says hes not getting back on... obviously im furious. (screen shot of convo i sent to someone day of to explain without having to retype - im red)
next day comes and im uncomfortable and C ends up buying minecraft so he can play with me on the server, we get in call with a now sober B when he gets on and i confront him about the messages even sharing screens for proof (i learned its best not to 1v1 argue him cause im easy to manipulate) and he claims to not remember it but whenever C is away during the call he says things that sound slightly suggestive. at this point id like to note that i have a full recording of me scrolling through the messages as an unlisted video on my youtube channel and have sent it to people who with no prior suggestion have described it as “rapey” and warned me against him. my ex in particular warned me that i am very susceptible to an abusive relationship rn due to my mental state and that he seemed very unstable. at this i decided to invite A to go to mary poppins too since she would be a good protector of me should anything happen and to have a more familiar presence there.
now here is the juicy part. so D was talking to C where C was complaining how clingy B was becoming and how creepy he was being towards me so she quickly messages me on snap warning me that he is a ‘manipulative possessive jerk who will see me as nothing but an object to conquer and get mad when you are unhappy’ after hearing this i rembered B’s story about D cheating on him with E before D and E got together and started to wonder how true that was. me and D had a lovely conversation following that about my singular past relationship and her current one and blah blah blah.
MOVIE DAY: (C canceled the night before so now it is just me B and A going) we get picked up by A and all seems well with everyone being friendly and B seeming kinda cautious. i think hes regretting the convo so i decide to be nice. the movie was great and we decide to hang in the mall after (i made a build a bear). so while we were hanging at one point he scared me when after he provoked me into my light face wacks (cat play pretty much, wouldnt damage the most fragile ice) he grabs my hand to stop me and me thinking “oooo game fun!” i start to dig my nail into his hand to get let go of but instead of him reacting how i expected (letting go so i can escape) he looks at me with the scariest most serious face ive ever seen and (this part still scares me) says “you dont want to go down this path” he finally lets go and i go sit by the hot topic earing displays while A and B look at buttons then when B sits next to me while A waits to pay he basically called my claw abuse. (like what? you grab my hand hard enough that it hurt when i was doing the same playful banter weve done for years and apparently im the abuser cause i do my standard get away strategy of hurting the hand thats holding me? what did you expect me to do? just comply and calmly stand there with my hand held above y head in yours?) after we leave hottopic we are in the car and somehow we get to the topic of the drunk conversation.
so im talking and trying to explain how uncomfortable he made me( and how i was afraid to be alone around him and how i had been scared remembering that he not only knows where i live but where the spare key is!!!!) and i dare use the word “rapey” ... lets see if i can get a definition for yall but first ill say how i use that word - “rapey. an adjective to describe a situation in which one party becomes uncomfortable and afraid to the point that they feel if this continues they could be raped or otherwise hurt/abused in the future” - and now the second definition from urban dictionary: “Rapey A guy who's creepy, and hugs or kisses inappropriately. He has a rapist lure. You don't think he would do it but definitely gives off that vibe. i.e. creepy hugger at the office.” - now i apparently made a huge error in daring to use that word to describe the conversation where he would not accept me saying no to a relationship (and at one point asked me my ex’s dick size - which i did not give) and continously stated how using words liek that could end up getting him in jail. A and i look at eachother incredulously and try to argue with him a bit but ultimately decide to just get back to the point and bring it back to how uncomfortable i was and how he needs to change his attitude and appologize but he keeps bringing it back to that word. fianlly im close to tears and mutely hugging my yoshi in the front seat and the whole car goes silent. A offers that i sleep over tonight which i decline knowing im sick and need my bed and we talk a bit about my ex and goign out for ramen with him sometime. once i was home i removed B from discord snap and steam and will remove him next time im on league as well. he was removed from my server and i left any i had in common with him. i am done trying to forgive him.
on a brighter note i got sims 4 cause C bought it for me since i couldn't refund his ticket i prepaid for and im learning how to get better from this stupid dry throat. hopefully ill be better by Tuesday so i can go back to work at the library!
thanks for reading! <3
i know this was a long one and probably makes half sense cause of the code letters and the fact that i am writing this while very light headed <3
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1. because LOL, 5-7, 10-14, NOT 15 because you will not be able to pick, try 16 tho, 22-27, 29-43, 45-64, not 65 because that's too similar to 16, 66-75, 79-84 because? i'm not sure rn? 86-91, 94-100.
1. What is you middle name?
Nicole o.o
5. What is your favorite color?
Purple and Green pretty equally
6. What’s your lucky number?
35
7. Do you have any pets?
I have two cats. Agapanthus and Augustus, or Pan and Gus depending on your mood.
15: shuddup
16. Favorite Movie?
have you ever seen Driving Lessons??? It had Rupert Grint in it and I am fond of it.
22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?
Nah. I’m a good kid.
23. Have you ever met any celebrities?
Justin Timberlake in a mall is St. Louis. And Moonbyul from Mamamoo waved at me at Kcon and I count this because she was literally like 5 feet away. And Jre but like does he count lmao????
24. Baths or showers?
Baths, I’m a mom I need to take a bath and pretend like I don’t have children until the water gets cold.
25. What color socks are you wearing?
Invisible.
26. Have you ever been famous?
Nope.
27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?
Ick.
29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?
Pass.
31. What position do you usually sleep in?
Whatever position my infant allows me to sleep in.
32. How big is your house?
My house looks like it was built by a drunk SIM designer.
33. What do you typically have for breakfast?
Caffeine.
34. Have you ever fired a gun?
I live in Missouri it’s a requirement or they kick you out.
35. Have you ever tried archery?
I use to be really really really good at archery but I haven’t done it in years.
36. Favorite clean word?
Serendipitous
37. Favorite swear word?
I usually just go straight for five ‘fuck’s of varying styles per sentence.
38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?
Too long. Like.... almost three days it was nutty.
40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?
You.
41. Are you a good liar?
Terrible.
42. Are you a good judge of character?
Also terrible.
43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?
I like to think that I can but who knows really????
45. What is your favorite accent?
My terrible southern one.
46. What is your personality type?
Like the MBTI thingy?? ENFP is what I got when I took the test in college I think.
47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?
Argh. Probably my J-Hope t-shirt.
48. Can you curl your tongue?
sure.
49. Are you an innie or an outie?
innie.
50. Left or right handed?
right.
51. Are you scared of spiders?
totally
52. Favorite food?
man idk i just like food.
53. Favorite foreign food?
I am from Missouri. My foreign food experience is limited to mexican food and chinese buffets. I don’t feel like I have enough experience to answer this lol.
54. Are you a clean or messy person?
I’m a mess.
55. Most used phrased?
Your mom.
56. Most used word?
I have no idea man.
57. How long does it take for you to get ready?
Depends on how long I have to get out the door.
58. Do you have much of an ego?
It varies.
59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?
I don’t really eat hard candy.
60. Do you talk to yourself?
Constantly
61. Do you sing to yourself?
Always.
62. Are you a good singer?
Yeah.
63. Biggest Fear?
The ocean man.
64. Are you a gossip?
The biggest.
66. Do you like long or short hair?
I like long hair but I hate taking care of it so I chop it all off and dye it funky colors to excuse my laziness.
67. Can you name all 50 states of America?
Like right now?
68. Favorite school subject?
English
69. Extrovert or Introvert?
Both??
70. Have you ever been scuba diving?
See above fear of ocean
71. What makes you nervous?
Lots of things.
72. Are you scared of the dark?
Man I turn off lights and sprint.
73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?
Too often.
74. Are you ticklish?
Try it and die.
75. Have you ever started a rumor?
No comment.
79. Who was your first real crush?
We don’t speak of him.
80. How many piercings do you have?
None.
81. Can you roll your Rs?“
I failed spanish
82. How fast can you type?
hella
83. How fast can you run?
not hella
84. What color is your hair?
a faded ass purply red because i need to redye it pronto
86. What are you allergic to?
Food coloring
87. Do you keep a journal?
sparodically
88. What do your parents do?
My mom is a bank manager and my dad was regional post master before he passed away
89. Do you like your age?
Sure it’s great?? that’s how old I am??
90. What makes you angry?
Oh boy.
91. Do you like your own name?
Nah. Hence why I have people call me Annie ;)
94. What are you strengths?
Yikes.
95. What are your weaknesses?
A lot.
96. How did you get your name?
My dad wanted my name to be a palindrome and my mom wanted my middle name to be Noel since my due date was chirtmas but then my mom got in a car accident early and apparently the 2nd isn’t close enough to chirstmas so she let the doctor pick my middle name and he named be after his daughter Nicole.
97. Were your ancestors royalty?
According to ancestry.com I’m related to Catherine Howard who was married to Henry Tudor and also Lady Godiva but I mean???? Who knows.
99. Color of your bedspread?
Taupe? That’s a color right???
100. Color of your room?
White. I’m not a home decor kind of person.
Also I hate you.
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my thoughts on dirty laundry
**Edit im starting to warm up to the song i wrote this at 4 am. at that point the music video was under unlisted and they took down the video for like 10-15 minutes which is why i said i already saw it. Also I know this isn’t their first time switching labels, the last time they did we got dirty work and i love that album. i just know it’s going to take me a while to process their new sound.
Very scared that atl signed to fueled by ramen, hopeless did great things and I’m glad that they’re experimenting but it’s scary cause this song is a different sound. yeah I’m scared they’re gonna get big like top did. I cant listen to top without their shitty fanbase shitting down my throat. Ik this isn't the whole fanbase but I don’t want the atl fanbase to become like the top fanbase. change is scary and I don’t know if this is going to be good or bad.
It’s 4am so I’m indifferent atm get back to me when I’ve slept or at least until its actual daytime. The music video was great I saw it already and its really nice. The last chorus is really them though, its just that it kind of sounds like they're trying to follow how all other music is sounding now and i don’t like it tbh. I don’t like "party music" that’s just me I don’t like how every song sounds the same, I don’t like the drops in songs.
The song isn’t terrible I love that in the last part you can really hear Zack’s vocals but I’m just kind of disappointed. Idk maybe its cause I’m tired and I’ve only really listened to it 5 times, I’m just waiting for it to come out on napster. I just really hope that maybe this is the only song that sounds like this, maybe I’ll warm up to it idk yet.
YOU KNOW WHAT ACTUALLY THIS REMINDS ME OF WHEN FOB MADE THEIR NEW ALBUM AND IT WAS SUPER DIFFERENT AND IT TOOK ME A WHILE TO GET USED TO IT JUST PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING AND FOR MY HAPPINESS PLEASE DON’T OVERPLAY THIS NEW SONG/NEW ALBUM I’M A PETTY BITCH AND I LIKE TO KEEP MY BANDS TO MYSELF I’M A SELFISH ASS BITCH I DON’T WANT MY 10YO SISTER TO BE SINGING THIS SONG ITS NOT CAUSE ITS BAD I JUST DON’T WANT TO HAVE ATL BE THE NEW TOP WHERE I GET ANNOYED AND SAD WHEN I HEAR THEM .
I’ve been with this band for now 7 years and I don’t want them to blow up ik that’s shitty to say but its my feelings I’m not going to apologize for how I feel. I love them to death but I don’t want this album to be the album that gets overplayed 24/7 by every radio station. And I’m not wrong for having this opinion, you can still be a fan of someone even if you have some critiques. Bands want feedback they even said they’re gonna be seeing how we liked it and stuff, that’s all they’re doing today. They wanna know if we like it and rn I’m indifferent but just like with future hearts I’m going to eventually warm up to it it just takes time.
#change takes time for me#let me dip my toes in it and feel it out#watch in two days im going to be singing it all the time#atl#dirty laundry#prsnl#o no my opinion lmao#dont witch hunt me yall i havent slept and i need a day to process new music
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documenting the journey
so what’s happened in the past month (i always try to meditate but i never want to stop listening to shit and i can write and listen to shit so writing = meditating, kinda!)
I met with a therapist at the end of january who was recommended as “one of the better wpath therapists” b/c the best i already know personally so that’s an ethical conflict for us all and the other best had a longer wait time so i went with this lady.
turns out she blows, but in a real passive way. like she said she “abhorred the gatekeeping of the system” but wanted to see me for 3 sessions, ask a bunch of shit that wasn’t necessary to the letter, blah blah blah. i didn’t think too much about it in session, but afterwards the longer i thought about it the more upset i got. ended up crying to my wife when she got home and i vented about what had happened.
emailed the therapist the next week to ask if we could just be done, if she had enough for the letter and she said she did, if i would fill out this form so she could reference some things while writing the letter. lots of shitty, invasive, non-required questions but i filled it out and sent it to her. i told her i wanted to condense our meetings to save time and money but ultimately it’s taking as long as if i just had 3 sessions. am saving $200 though, which is good.
my online trans fam was super supportive about it all which was really nice and validating. the therapist also alluded to having a doctor she works with seeing her trans clients to get them top surgery and hormones faster but in the email exchange we had about our next meeting, she played like she didn’t say anything about that? so i reiterated and she said she thought it’d be best for me to see my gp? my kneejerk is that it’s weird and passive aggressive, but idk.
i could probably reach out to my gp now to at least get an appointment ready for when i do have the letter, to get a hormone prescription and referral to a specialist for my final top surgery letter, buuuuut putting it off. hate talking to doctors. also we did have a family doctor assigned to us, but we just got a letter that effective immediately he’s no longer working at that practice? and we got assigned a new woman? sooooo...i mean the guy wasn’t like, super trans friendly (from what i could observe) but he seemed like he was accepting/supportive. now we have a whole new wildcard w/ this lady.
my partner suggested the whole time that i get on the wait list of the local pride health clinic just in case my assigned gp isn’t comfortable/down with prescribing hormones or being trans friendly, b/c the wait times there are bad so i was like “nah, i’ll just work w/ my gp” buuuuut now im like “shit that was a good idea, and im silly for not just doing that just in case.” we’ll fuckin see.
i’m going to the final therapy appointment next week, will get the combined letter for hormones and top surgery. then can get hormones prescribed from a doctor assuming i can find one to do it. then i need a g.p. to write a note to provide to provincial healthcare that they’ll take care of me before and after top surgery, and a referral from gp to a specialist, then a specialist to write a letter saying i should get top surgery.
i felt really confident about not starting hrt ‘til top surgery but now at the thought of top surgery taking that long...i think im just gonna start it. just fuckin fuck it. maybe i’ll try a binder too, i don’t fuckin care. let’s just get this all fuckin STARTED. if i feel like things aren’t going a direction i want, i can just stop it.
i think that’s everything! or that’s everything right now! i got super depressed last week and did jack shit and like, stopped showering, but i took a day off and just let myself relax and watched a bunch of ty tuner videos and while that’s kind of bad b/c i’ll never be that fit, but also he’s a pretty motivated dude so ... that helped a little bit, tbh. hence my last post, to just put a daily to-do list that i know, even when i feel depressed, these are working to making a positive medical transition experience. gonna write it on my whiteboard tonight, did all of ‘em today :triumph emoji:
i’d also like to create videos, since i never see fat, 30+ ftm transitions on youtube. also i do want a history so i can feel good about my progress. anyway i think i will, maybe unlisted vids. or private. but wont start ‘til before hrt starts, i think.
k that’s it!
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