im so anxious and worried for the future, bc i cant even imagine myself having a job. like having important responsibilities and having to show up and perform well, just being in the role of a grown up with a job. i honestly still feel like 14, i dont feel like i'll ever be mature or smart enough to hold a job. like me, with a job where i have responsibilities and know how to do things and actually do them? that sounds like a joke. i just feel so lost and like i'm not capable of anything and it freaks me out bc what am i supposed to do???

Just gotta shout into the void for a minute

Something about the fact that I'm just. So fucking exhausted right now. Between work and school and the fact that I was sick for the last week, still suffering after effects actually, which caused me to miss 75% of the week, I'm so so so fucking tired. Nothing really helps either. I feel like my wizard keeps getting dragged into encounters I'm out of spell slots so I'm down to my last few hit points and I'm stuck fighting with my fists because I can't do anything else.

I can't do homework because I need somebody there I can walk through it with or I can't get my ridiculous fucking brain to understand it because my fucking adhd put my processing speed in the dirt and my doctor didn't want to put me on meds last time and my next appointment to go over it again with the doctor and my dad isn't until next tuesday and it doesn't matter I have three shifts left until the season is over for work I'm pretending to have energy when I feel like I haven't gotten to have a break since early august and the two or three days in this mess I haven't been trying to do school stuff or at work I can't relax because I should be catching up on notes or doing practice questions or working on things I missed or doing one of a billion things and two people I knew died in the last month and I don't know how to tell you that seeing a kid who barely hit adulthood, a kid barely older than you dead is really fucking bad for you.

I don't know if its hormones if its adhd if its just my world keeps getting shaken like a really fucked up snowglobe or what but I haven't been able to regulate my emotions at all in the last month and I can never keep a decent sleep schedule during the school year which makes literally everything worse and so I'm stuck in an endless loop of falling asleep in class, trying to do the things I need to for class, trying to do homework or whatever I didn't manage to finish in class, not being able to go to sleep until late because I don't get home until five, I have to have dinner and do the dishes and do homework and I need some time to do something fun or I'm going to hit burnout a lot faster than I should and by the time I manage to actually do half that its anywhere from 11:30 to 2 am and I have to get up early so I can go in to get help for chem because I fell asleep yesterday and I missed something and I don't understand the material because my brain refuses to take anything I learn and actually put it away!!!!!

Im just. So fucking tired. So so tired i want to be able to be nice and help people when they ask and do things but I'm in a damn near constant state of overstimulated and exhausted and I don't know of anything that I can do to fix it at all and i just dont know anymore.

I want to sleep. I have a headache. I cant sleep because I'm stressed about everything ever. I cant manage my personal hygiene well enough to try and even do anything about it via self care. I don't know how to dress or anything to give me any good vibes about my appearance beyond "this is socially acceptable". I barely know what I might want to do after high school but I have no idea if its attainable. I fucked up my savings by spending too much in places I didn't think I'd be going near and I still don't know how to remind my friends they need to pay me back for sushi without being rude because theres an extra 60 bucks I didn't account for.

I could barely stand in front of a mirror long enough to clean my piercings because I hate how I look when I've been crying and I hate how I look generally because nothing but my hair feels right anymore and I'm too tired for much else.

I've been being upbeat and energetic the last couple days at work when I want nothing more than to sleep all day because nothing else feels even remotely like it brings me joy anymore.

My brain feels so fucking loud all the time and I can't think and i can't focus and I don't want to spend money on constantly buying coffee in hopes I can focus the next class because that gets expensive and I don't want to do that with energy drinks because I don't want my kidneys to hate me and I don't know where the caffeine pills went and tea never has enough to help me focus and I can't get the adhd to bugger off long enough for me to do my schoolwork and I'm stressed and tired and I feel like I'm out of options. I don't have energy to hang around my friends much anymore. I've got one friend i can interact with regularly without being more tired and I don't know if I'll even have time to talk to them much this week. Nothing I've tried is working and I'm just. Tired.

Im just some kid. I'm too tired for this guys