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lonelypond · 4 years

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Moonlight Becomes You: Apocalypse Midnight Dance Party, Ch. 18

NozoEli, NicoMaki, Love Live/Love Live Sunshine, 1.7K, 18/?

Summary: Dates get arranged and Dia's quiet time gets interupted. Plus, roommate talk.

Chapter 18: Dating Prep

Nico arrived at her house, still muttering about how her morning with Maki had ended. Which was not productive. Or helping Nico get into a place where she could show up bright and Nico for the afternoon audition her agent had scheduled. Not enough time to cook her way out of this mood so Nico decided on her other option, and started cleaning. But there wasn’t much to deal with. She’d left all the dishes at Maki’s. Maki probably didn’t know how to run a dishwasher. Oh right, they probably had a housekeeper. How had Nico managed to land in the social circle of LA’s queer social elites, close enough to have Maki and Ohara Mari fighting over her pasta? And how had Maki managed to stay so pure? Maki’s angry-hurt, almost tearful, expression before she stormed toward the house kept digging into Nico’s feelings. Nico sighed and reached for her phone.

N: Hey, Gorgeous. Take a nap and Nico will take you out for a dinner DATE after work (✿ ♥‿♥)

No immediate response.

N: Maybe I can convince you this was a bad dream v(*'-^*)ｂ

M: Maybe ┐(ﾟ～ﾟ)┌

M: You’d have to be SUPER convincing.

N: So, dinner? You and me. Us?

Lots of typing bubble...then a real response.

M: (^^)b

Nico could work with that. Now for a shower.

###

Eli glanced at her phone. A text from Nozomi.

N: Should I bring the chocolate cake to your house? (*｀▽´)_旦

E: Only if you bring enough for Nico. She likes deconstructing recipes.

Eli’s phone pinged. She reached for it.

Nozomi sounded amused, “So, you have a roommate on the premises. Are you still in the mood for LA’s best chocolate cake?”

“Uh yeah.” Nozomi obviously didn’t know Eli well enough yet as that was all Eli would be thinking about until she got a taste.

Eli knew there was no way she could feel Nozomi breathing in her ear, but it warmed up as Nozomi spoke. “You sound eager. So shall I pick you up in an hour? Or are you busy?”

“Not busy, had a brunch with Kanan instead of rehearsal. She told me lots of stories about your friend Yoshiko. And she brought Ponchiki left over from …

Eli paused. Nozomi didn’t know about CRAAVI. Hanamaru had told her Yoshiko had a cryptid related reading group.

“Their last reading group.”

Eli could almost hear the winking disbelief in Nozomi’s tone, “It’s an underground speakeasy, isn’t it?”

Eli blinked. If Nozomi were actually going to press her on…

“Never mind. I’ll keep grilling Hanamaru for information. I have other plans for you.”

“Oh really?”

So much confidence from Nozomi; Eli liked that. “Besides, after you eat this cake, you’ll tell me everything about you.”

Eli sighed. “Probably. But only if you promise not to freak.”

No hesitation on the other phone, “Sure.”

Eli wondered if she should just blurt it out, well, say it calmly. Hey, I have really bad hair issues once a month. Hey, lately I seem to be more angry and bitey than usual. Hey, sometimes, I fetch. Hey, you smell REALLY good. Hey, my werewolf grandmother told me never to tell anyone until after we were married in the church and had children. How many do you want?

How do you start that conversation? Eli didn’t. “Give me two hours. I need to do a few things.”

“Whatever the pretty lady needs. See you then.”

“Whatever the pretty lady needs.” Well, Eli decided, the best chocolate cake in LA wasn’t a bad place to start.

### Dia was curled up in a blanket on the balcony, turned sideways in her chair, watching the ocean curl and uncurl. Tea was steaming next to her and everything was quiet for just a few moments. You was wrapped up in a hoodie, napping on a sofa. Mama was getting ready to meet Mom for dinner and maybe get the life Dia remembered back on track. Her grandmother was also sleeping after a night shift at the hospital. And Dia was missing her sister. She hadn’t talked to Ruby in days. Being here in back-then Malibu, alone but surrounded by family that didn’t recognize and familiar places that weren’t the same was enough of a disconnect to keep her head aching. Maybe she should have stayed for the CAT scan. Dia picked up her tea. Lukewarm. Of course. Nothing was exactly the right place, person, or temperature. Dia chugged the now cloying mint medley and considered flinging the cup as far as she could. Instead Dia dropped it when a soft voice startled her.

“Hey.” You was leaning against the house, fair hair sleep and wind tossed, bright blue eyes friendly.

“Good afternoon.”

“Yeah, that too.” You leaned over the balcony, seeing where the cup had landed. “Hope that wasn’t a family heirloom. Didn’t bounce.”

Dia gritted her teeth. “It would have been fine if you hadn’t arrived unannounced.”

You ducked her head slightly, eyes now burning with mischief, “Should I wear a bell?”

“Are you a cat?” Dia took a minute to look You up and down. No whiskers or ears. Could probably leap pretty far with those legs. Seemed like the lands on her feet type. “And even if you were, I’m sure that would just turn into an even bigger distraction when you bounced all around the place and broke things.”

You dropped into the chair Dia had vacated, yawn stretching herself fully awake. “I’m probably more schnauzer than Siamese.”

Dia glared, then stepped to the railing, pointed straight down, and hissed, “Then fetch.”

You doubled over with laughter, Dia leaned back, crossed her arms, and rolled her eyes.

And then Maki crashed the party, looking tall and put together in loose gray plaid trousers, with an off the shoulder pink rose appliqued gray knit sweater. She had a black jacket swung over her arm. “How are you feeling, Dia?”

“Fine. Not much of a headache.”

“Remember anything about why you’re in LA, yet?” Maki’s question was gentle.

Dia shook her head, for fear of what she might say if she attempted to answer.

Maki sounded hesitant, “Nico wants me to have dinner with her, but…”

Dia smiled, “It’s okay. I don’t want to be a burden, Nishikino-san. You’re being very generous.” Dia’s chest constricted as she continued, her voice wavering, “You don’t even know me.”

“I’ll take Dia down to the precinct I work with, after your Mom says it’s okay for her to drive around, and see if we can find out anything from fingerprints or facial recognition.” You offered.

Maki’s amethyst eyes, kind, held Dia’s, “If that’s what Dia wants to do.”

Dia jumped at the opportunity to get away from the beach house snowglobe, chunks of memories settling down around her after Yoshiko’s shaking, “That sounds like a really good idea. Maybe somebody will have found my passport. We can talk to the embassy.”

Maki quirked an eyebrow, “That sounds very efficient for post head injury behavior.”

Dia shrugged, “Habit.”

Maki chuckled, “All right, well call me if you need anything. Mama will give you the keycode for the front door.”

“Thank you, Nishikino-san.” Every time Dia bit back a Mama, this surreal fever dream got darker.

“Call me, Maki.”

“Thank you, Ma...ki.”

You saluted, “I’ll take good care of her, ma’am.”

Maki just nodded before she stepped back inside. You immediately pulled on Dia’s borrowed sleeve, “ She gives us the door code and she doesn’t even like me. Are your parents always that trusting?”

Dia collapsed into the seat next to You, “Mama is.”

“Rich people privilege.”

Dia shook her head, “Sadly no. Most rich people I know trust no one.” You was gifted with a gentle smile. “It’s that rare quality, true kindness. My sister has it too. They believe in people. It’s amazing.”

“What about you? And Nico?”

“We believe in them.” And ruin anyone who hurts them, Dia added to herself.

###

Eli, in a marled blue and white cowl knit sweater dress, was on her way out the door as Nico was on her way in.

“Hey, Roomie!” Eli grinned, leaning against the kitchen island. “Your house tonight, if you want to stay in. All you can eat ice cream.”

Nico, with an adventurous glint Eli had never seen before, shook her head, “Nah, Nico has a dinner date.”

“With the feral DJ?” Eli didn’t snarl. Progress.

“Her name is Maki.” Nico preened, “and Nico is going to treat her to the second tastiest pasta sauce in the world.”

Eli, her mood bubbly, scream faced, hands on her cheeks. “You’re going to take her to Gianellis’?. Weren’t you at her mega million dollar mansion just last night? You think Gianellis is going to impress her? Our neighborhood pizza place?”

Not daunted, Nico threw off a grand bow. “Nico will impress her.” An easy shrug as Nico adjusted the collar of her checked, flared shirt dress. Eli occasionally envied Nico’s confidence. “Pretty dress. Good choice, Eli. You off to rehearsal?”

Eli curtsied at the compliment. “Nozomi’s taking me for ‘LA’s best chocolate cake.’” To impress me, Eli added to herself.

“Chocolate, huh. Let me know when you want me to best woman for you.”

“It isn’t a date.” Eli said it too fast, too loud.

Nico’s eyebrow zoomed upright as Eli’s lie deflated between them and nervous and chatty Eli took over, “Okay, I don’t know what it is. I might want it to be a date, but then what do I do about...and how do I tell her...how do you start that talk...and I just can’t have three kids appear.”

Nico’s expressions swirled until confused took over, “Huh?”

“Nothing.” Eli shook herself, “Just some stuff my grandmother always said. I’ve been giving myself pep talks all day and,” Eli bopped her temple, “It’s confusing up here.”

Nico put her hands on Eli’s shoulders, pulling the taller woman closer, “Just go with your gut, Eli. If you trust Nozomi, TRUST her.”

“But…” Eli’s eyes had the look they had when the power started blinking during a midnight thunderstorm.

“You trusted Nico.”

“I trusted Nico.” Eli unclenched one pinkie’s worth of tension.

Nico nodded, encouragingly, like Eli was a small child repeating her abc’s. “Now trust Eli.”

Eli exhaled, “Okay.”

“Good.” Nico pulled Eli in for a hug, “Now get out there, Ayase. We’re too good looking to have been single this long.”

“Title of your sex tape.” Eli laughed and centered her skirt as Nico released her.

Nico winced, “Don’t tell jokes. Just look pretty. And sanitize any toys.”

“NICO!” Eli shoved Nico back, but Nico was braced for that reaction and danced back, hands at her temple, wickedly grinning.

“Don’t forget to Nico Nico Ni when…”

Eli bolted, slamming the door behind her.

A/N: May has seemed like a decade. How are you?

#NozoEli #NicoMaki #Nishikino Maki #Yazawa Nico #Ayase Eli #Tojo Nozomi #Kurosawa Dia #Watanabe You #werewolf #Apocalypse Midnight Dance

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renaroo · 7 years

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Day 25 Sweaters: What I Miss

Disclaimer: Batman and associated characters are the creative property of DC Comics. Warnings: Canon-typical violence & language, One sided pining Pairings: ReneexDaria Rating: T Synopsis: Renee runs into Daria. Or, rather, Renee shows up at Daria’s restaurant and hopes beyond hope she can pull off being surprised after so much time it took for her to come back where she really belonged. ReneexDaria. Sapphic September: Sweaters.

A/N: I don’t think I’ve ever written for Daria and Renee’s romance? Even though I adore them so much and they’re up there in my mind with Holly & Karon and Kate & Maggie for iconic couples of Gotham. So it’s time to fix that.

Renee was a smart detective. She should have known better. It wasn’t exactly like it took much more than common sense to know that showing up, unannounced, without a plan, to the one place in the world you would be wanted least was ever something desirable to do to an ex. She knew it was stupid long before she stepped through the door.

She knew a lot of things. But Renee had always been more stubborn than she was smart at the end of the day and that was going to always have been her downfall.

It was a trait she inherited from her family all too strongly.

So despite all signs, despite all common sense, Renee sat down by herself at a table for two, checked the clock to know what shifts were about to change, then gave a simple order to the teenage waiter who came to serve her.

“Non-sweet tea,” Renee answered before he could get a word out. “And a water with lemon. Poblano pepper with extra brown rice, taquitos mexicanos with papas and a Dos Equis.” She waited for the shock to drop from his face and gave him time to write down what he could remember. She paid attention so that she knew for sure that the important parts were written down, then she tilted her hat up. “And, please, tell the chef I send my highest regards.”

The last part was enough to make even the nervous young man take pause and look at Renee questioningly. But it didn’t last for long. He slowly nodded and then cleared his throat as he left to immediately tell anyone in the back about the strangeness.

There was no telling if he would go to management or to the kitchens first to describe his encounter, but Renee took the gamble because she knew that either way she was going to get what she wanted. And that, in itself, was a pretty sickening thought. Since what she wanted was fairly self-destructive and selfish if nothing else. And it was going to uproot the foundations of whatever life her ex had built for herself since leaving Renee at its least.

No one came out with her drinks, Renee studied the clock and figured that she wasn’t even going to get her customary chips and salsa for the meal due to the calamity she had no doubt unfolded in the back of the restaurant.

Then, finally, there was the stomping of feet and, as Renee looked dup, she was met by someone who probably thought Renee would never darken her doorsteps again.

“Renee!” Daria all but bellowed. She’d grown a bit thinner since the breakup. Her eyes had more of a wrinkle, she let her hair grow long enough to be tucked behind her ears. Ironic, as Renee had cut off most of her own hair in recent months.

It was amazing how exhausted from a full shift, older and sharper on all her edges, Daria still managed to be the most beautiful woman Renee had ever had the pleasure of knowing.

“Daria,” Renee answered in turn. She waved to the adjacent seat. “I’ve got room for one more if—“

“Grab your coat, we’re taking this outside,” Daria ordered.

Not getting up quite yet, Renee remained calm. Cool. It was the key to maintaining control of the chaos that she always seemed to drag into her own life. At least, that’s what Tot kept telling her.

She should’ve probably listened to more of his advice before getting into the situation to begin with.

“So my money’s not good here? I can’t order our favorite meals and eat peacefully?” she pressed smoothly instead.

Daria looked immediately frazzled. “Our favorite— Renee. Get your coat. We’re taking this outside before it’s more of a scene,” she ordered.

Renee let out a small breath and tilted her hat back down before following orders. “As you insist, ma’am.”

There was a vein in Daria’s jaw that pulsed at the comment but she wasn’t going to say another word until they were out the door. It was the sort of restraint that made Renee feel restraint.

Once they were out the door, Gotham hit them both with a blast of wind. Snow was supposed to fall later that night, and the gushing air of the not-so-distant Gotham Bay seemed intent on reminding the whole city of it. Especially Renee and Daria as the latter led the former straight for the nearest street corner, far enough from her restaurant that yelling was less likely to be heard or acknowledged by patrons.

Responsibility, patience, an understanding of how to act in public. Renee was remembering all over again how many things Daria was capable of that completed her.

“What the hell, Renee?” Daria asked, wearing nothing more than her work clothes and a completely bewildered expression that battled valiantly with her confusion and anger.

“I’m back in Gotham,” Renee answered. “It felt like a night to eat at my favorite place.”

“Oh my god,” Daria hissed, hugging her arms in the wind and looking off. “I haven’t… You haven’t said a single word to me in three years. That’s almost as long as we were living together. Jesus Christ.”

“I could argue that it goes both ways but… you’re right. I haven’t reached out to you in three years. After you broke up with me,” Renee acknowledged sharply. “You can see why I might assume that there’s good reason for not being the one to initiate it.”

“Until tonight,” Daria laughed darkly. “Of course you should’ve reached out to me. No one has known how to get a hold of you since you went off the grid. Your mother has talked to me more than the entire time we were together simply because she sometimes hopes I can tell her you’re alive. And those are the worst because I can’t.”

“I’m sorry,” Renee said truthfully. “I didn’t ever want to put that on you.”

Daria glared at her angrily. “But you put the onus on me to fix things if there was a chance to,” Daria said lowly. “Right? Because I broke things off. But you… You were the one who refused to fight for us. Even when we were still together for those last months… you couldn’t gather the fucks to give us a fighting chance. You drained me. You took my heart and returned it without an ounce of love left.”

Though she had been quiet for most of the outburst, Renee let out a breathy sigh and looked back at Daria. “So I take it you haven’t been dating since the breakup.”

Shocked at first, Daria’s mouth opened before her thin lips pulled back as she gritted teeth, her hand pulling back but not before Renee was already grabbing it at the wrist, stopping any forward momentum.

“Don’t,” Renee warned. “Don’t assault an officer.”

“You’re not a police officer anymore, Renee,” Daria reminded her. “You’re… I don’t even know. What are you now?”

Despite herself, Renee allowed a coy smile to tug at her face. “That’s the question, isn’t it?” she asked back.

“Don’t play games with me,” Daria warned. “Dammit, Renee, don’t… don’t you…”

“No games,” Renee assured her. “I’m still a detective. My hours and payroll are just a little different.”

“Never-ending, is more like it,” Daria muttered, rubbing her arms for warmth.

Without hesitation, Renee slipped her coat off and began to reach to wrap it around Daria instead, only hesitating when the other woman pulled back, a suspicious look in her eyes.

“I’m fine, thank you,” Daria assured her.

“You’re freezing,” Renee countered. “And I have more layers. And more coats if this ends with you saying pretty definitively that you never want to see me again.”

“It might,” Daria answered defensively .Still she didn’t flinch away as Renee helped drape the coat over her shoulders. She even shuffled her arms a bit to help the coat more fully fall into place. Then she looked around and back to Renee. “Why did you come here, Renee? What do you want?”

“I miss things,” Renee answered simply. “Even if they’re things I know I can never get back — or even if they’re things I don’t deserve back — I miss them. And I was hoping to see more of them. Try to earn them back.”

“I’m one of those things?” Daria asked, unimpressed.

“You’re not a thing to be missed,” Renee answered. “You’re the part of my whole. You’re that thing that I don’t deserve because I’ve just proved to be all the reasons you left me for in the first place. Haven’t I?”

Daria didn’t rise to the bait, but she seemed more comfortable and calm. Her eyes shifted over Renee’s body carefully. “If I’m not something you miss, what do you miss?”

“Silly things, insignificant things,” Renee answered with a shrug. “Gotham air. The Batsignal annoying the shit out of me at two in the morning. The sweaters my mom would make and send me every Christmas.”

The last bit got a genuine laugh out of Daria. And, in turn, Renee smiled. “You always looked cute in those sweaters.”

“You only say that because you never had to wear them,” Renee answered. “Listen, believe it or not, I did order food and beer because I’m hungry. And if you just got off work… well, I’m betting you wouldn’t mind a free meal at a restaurant where you don’t serve the desserts, right?”

Daria took a breath. “You can’t just walk back into people’s lives like this, Renee.”

“I know, I’m not pretty enough to get away with it,” Renee joked.

“I’m trying to be serious here. I loved you with everything in me and you… The person you were just gave up in front of my own eyes and left me with someone I don’t recognize even today,” Daria warned. “I don’t think my heart can take you at only your word alone anymore. I can’t make crazy moves just for old memories.”

“Is dinner a crazy move? Because that’s all I’m asking for right now, I swear,” Renee assured her. “Plus I have plenty of questions for you. Questions I’d love to hear you answer.”

Daria shook her head, a small smirk on her face. “You’re incorrigible, aren’t you?”

“I’m just an enigma, as complex and as simple as that may mean,” Renee answered, holding out her hand. “Dinner? For real?”

With a long sigh, Daria took Renee’s hand, answering the first of many questions for the night.

And the possibilities, endless as they were, began only then.

#SaphSep2017 #writing #batfic #Renee Montoya #Daria Hernandez #Renee x Daria

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leporibae · 7 years

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explanation for absence

trigger warnings: this post details domestic abuse and sorta home invasions, mentions/details an actual death and several expected/upcoming deaths, and mentions suicidal thoughts/tendencies. please please please don't read this if you think it'll upset you in any way, I'd so much rather you just not know what's going on than be hurt by this post.

some of you may have noticed that I was gone for almost a month - probably only if you bought art from me and then I just vanished - so please allow me to explain myself. I promise I'm not here trying to excuse myself, there's no excuse for leaving without a trace when I owe many people a lot of things. I just need to explain why it happened, so it's a little more clear that I didn't just up and disappear on a whim, nor that this is something I experience/do a lot as an adult.

a lot went down over the month of August, and even more trash is hurtling my way for September. I don't know how else to explain it all besides in bullet points, cause otherwise I'll probably get it so muddled that it'd be too hard to read.

Anne, my birth mom (who cheated on my stepdad and then moved out early last summer to live in an apartment a few minutes away from us), went ahead and married her boyfriend and is now moving to Stockholm, Sweden. this wouldn't be as much of a concern to me if this didn't mean that she's been making every last-ditch effort to forcefully see me before she leaves. I do not want to see her, I haven't spoken to her since April. but my stepdad, Vince, isn't angry enough at her and doesn't give any shits about my mental health or well-being so he never bothered to change the locks and will even give her explicit permission to enter our house unannounced. about a week ago, she and her new husband let themselves in to drop off all the furniture she took from our home to put in her apartment. Vince told me she was only going to be in the garage, so when my plans for that day fell out from under me, I figured it'd probably be okay to just stay home alone upstairs. (I would have left, but it was midday and I didn't really have anywhere to go - plus I had no idea how long they'd be there and even when.) no, she barged into my home, SEARCHED for me, and then proceeded to spend AN HOUR AND A HALF taking furniture into our home her husband even though she was just supposed to leave all the furniture in the garage. I wound up hiding in my brother's closet (my closet's too small to hide in, and any other spot would have been too obvious or in her line of sight) for the entire time. it was horrifying, I kept thinking she'd find me and that I'd have to face her bullshit all over again in full force.

Anne also went ahead and let herself in THE NEXT DAY without telling anyone first, so I had no idea she'd waltz on in. I was taking a nap midday when she must have come in, so she probably came into my fucking room and looked at me while I was sleeping. the reason why she came, though, was to drop off a few extra things (I know she saved a few things to bring later on purpose so she could get more chances to find me at home again, that bitch) and to leave an incredibly guilt-trippy letter for me on the fridge. I didn't even read it, I couldn't handle it. instead, my aunt offered to read it for me and just let me know if there was any valuable information in the letter (there wasn't).

my dog, Zoomer, passed away three weeks ago. if any of you remember late 2016/early 2017 when I thought I was going to lose my dog because he tore his ACL and my family thought we couldn't support his surgery/recovery, that's not the same dog. that was Shadow, who is thankfully still with us today. Zoomer was our first dog - we found him in a shelter back in 2005, and we adopted him for my brother's birthday that year. he was barely a year old when we took him home, but even so, it's kind of incredible he lived to see 12, as he was a pretty small dog (Beagle/Border Collie mix) and his expected lifespan was 6 to 10 years at best had he stayed at the shelter much longer and subsequently been sent to a nearby puppy farm. he was an incredible dog - where Shadow is very playful and silly, Zoomer was quiet, gentle, and very smart. if I slept in, he'd always check on me in my room or even stay in my room until I woke up; if you were sick, he'd lay next to you to keep you company. maybe he wasn't as energetic as Shadow, but he was pretty cheeky, too. if you threw the ball for Shadow, Zoomer (who never cared to play fetch) would sometimes watch Shadow wind up for the throw and then chase Shadow around - not the ball - to mess with him. I miss him more than I could have imagined. and I hate how he went, too - Vince found out a month prior that Zoomer had stomach cancer, but since the doctor said they couldn't do anything for him/that he wouldn't be in pain unless we put him on meds, he decided not to do anything. he didn't tell me or Kenneth about it. in the last few days Zoomer was with us, he was very sick, but Vince just told us he'd probably eaten a bird or something like he tended to do from time to time and he'd get over it the next day. come the 25th of August, Vince woke me up early that morning to tell me Zoomer had just passed away in his arms a few hours ago, and explained what'd gone down. Kenneth and I were devastated, especially since we didn't expect this whatsoever and we had no "last moments" with him. what's worse was Vince hadn't taken Zoomer out to bury him or to the vet's office to take care of his body, so we came downstairs and there he was in the middle of the living room. it was just- I mean, he looked like himself, but when I went to pet him to say goodbye, it wasn't ... right. I wish I could have told him how much he means to me and how much I love him before he passed. of course I tell my pets these things regularly, and I was especially attentive to Zoomer's health/happiness while he was sick, but I wish I could have told him seriously ... I don't know how to explain it. I wish he was still here with me.

I'm expecting the death of my birth dad, Andy, pretty soon here too. my brother and I got the news that he was in the hospital with cancer a little while ago. I don't think I've really talked about Andy here much, so I'll try to explain. Andy's been addicted to drugs long since before Anne met him - his family was mostly to blame, as they - for whatever ungodly reason, because it wasn't like he was taking them medicinally - started him on weed and various other drugs at a very young age (10 or younger, if I remember correctly). he's been fighting his addiction for most of his life now, and while it's not like he can't be held accountable for anything, Anne was the one who married a very unhealthy person who was by no means cut out to be a father and had me and my brother with him. she divorced him when I was 4, and Andy tried so hard to be there for my brother and me as we grew up apart from him. he called every single night to talk to us, and visited us as often as he could. he made a lot of mistakes when I was around 10 to 13, though, and Anne took them as an opportunity to pit me against him like she'd do whenever she disliked someone that I liked. she failed to explain to me the nature of severe addiction, nor that she was the one who, in her "right" mind, chose him to be the father of her children. instead, she just told me that Andy chose drugs over his family, and that he was irresponsible and a bad caregiver not because he was suffering, but because he didn't care about us. naturally, I was pissed, so I cut him out of my life. Kenneth's stayed sort of in contact with him, just not nearly as much as before. now that Anne's out of my life and I'm waking up to the abuse she put me through, such as poisoning my thoughts towards other people, I want to reach out to him before he passes away and let him know I'm sorry for what happened. I'm not ready, though. I'm in a terrible place right now, I don't think I'm strong enough to write both an apology and goodbye letter to someone I held so close to my heart for so long, someone who Anne ruined my relationship with as she did with so many other people in my life. someone who I let Anne fuck with through me. it's one thing that she did that with my friends, like when she'd make me think my friends hated me so I'd be home to spend more time with her instead of with people my age, but with my own father. she didn't let me have him as a father, and she didn't let Vince be a father, either (not that Vince would have been a good father, but fuck, what can I have, bitch?). I don't know what to do. it sounds like he doesn't have much time left, but I don't think I can do it.

Vince keeps saying other people in my life are going to die soon, too. he's a very morbid and dramatic person, though, so I have no idea how much truth his speculations hold - but he says Anne's going to kill herself this winter while she's up in Stockholm (she gets terrible seasonal depression, and she just cut everyone who knows how to help her when she's suffering from such depression out of her life), and that Shadow's going to die some time before the end of September. I don't know what the fuck I'd do without Shadow, he's the only person in this house who makes me feel safe being here. Kenneth, my brother, sorta helps, but because he has a father/son relationship with Vince, he doesn't know how to or want to be there for me when Vince acts abusively towards me. but Anne? I don't know how the hell I'm going to figure that one out. holy shit. I hate her so much, especially after having some time to realize just how much she abused me and her sisters and even my baby cousins, but she's still my mom. not a day goes by where I don't think about her and how much I miss her or my friendship with her. I know now just how insidious the nature of our relationship was and how she orchestrated it all so I'd just rely on her and no one else, but that doesn't change the fact that she was my only friend for many, many years of my life. I hate Anne, but I love my mom. if she dies before I can even begin to heal from what she did to me and without having any way to find closure with her, I don't know what I'll do. god, I'm starting to cry just thinking about it, I have to move on from this. not like anything else I have to talk about doesn't make me want to cry any less.

my best friend - and only friend, really - is moving next week. if you follow me on dA or twitter especially, you KNOW how much I love @/ObsidianPunk (Cody). like, there's no way you can't if you follow me there, because I spend at least half the time on those sites just raving about the time we spend together or just how much he means to me. I love him so much, and spending time with him is maybe the last thing I have to look forward to these days. I have no fucking clue what I'm gonna do when he no longer lives just 20 minutes away from me, when we can't have our impromptu sleepovers anymore, when we can't go on walks together and hit up Starbucks like the coffee/tea sluts we are, when I can't just show up at his house late at night to get some snacks and ask for advice from him for anything from how to deal with Kenneth being a little punk to Vince treating me like subhuman garbage to Anne trying to make me feel like I'm nothing without her to losing my friends who I'm just not interesting/fun enough for to how to not seek out the easiest way to end my life. go dthat sounds so fucked up, but Cody's there for me through it all. no matter if I just want to talk about video games and transgay(TM) stuff or if I need to be honest about how much I'm hurting right now, he's got my back. I don't want him to leave, not only because I want to have the chance to be there for him even a sliver as much as he's there for me, but because sure we have texting and face time and all, but I always miss him terribly whenever he leaves for just a week to visit his dad's house. I want him to go to Oregon, to live somewhere he can be out and accepted and treated with the respect he deserves. I want him to have a great time in school and start building a great future for himself. I want him to be out of the shit house he has to live in with his terrible family, but I don't want to be without him, you know?

school's starting for me, too. I'm at a little community college for the time being simply because it's so much cheaper than UNO - the school I attended last year - both because of the tuition and because of gas/parking/etc expenses. I want to get back to UNO sooner than later, but when I go, I want to be living on campus rather than living at home. in the mean time, I want to get some gen eds out of the way and get back into the swing of taking classes before I go to a more expensive school (where I'd have to be taking 15 credit hours if I wanted to live on campus). it's not ... so bad. mostly, I'm just panicked because I don't believe in myself at all so I'm so sure I'll get there and fail horribly or that I won't even be able to get myself out the door because I'm so fucked up right now. my aunt's trying her hardest to help me out with getting me there and keeping me on top of school, but I wouldn't be surprised if I fucked up community college even with the help of like ten other people. I fucking hate myself lmao

that's ... about it, I think. I'm really sorry for the pity party there, but I just really want to convey that me leaving with no warning isn't a common thing for me to do, nor is it something I take lightly. what all this means is I'm going to do my very best to come back ASAP - not only because I feel horribly guilty for falling behind on commissions/owed work, but because I desperately need that financial support, too. I'm so sorry for any scare I might have put buyers through with my absence. if anyone wants a premature refund, please feel free to contact me, and I'd be more than happy to work through that for you this time around. otherwise, I can't give you a definite timeline for when I'll be able to get back on my regular schedule of completing art within a few days or at most a week of buying, but I'm going to try my very hardest for you - that I can guarantee.

I'll come back to answer individual messages/etc tomorrow, but for now, writing this has drained me so much, I just need to lay down for a while.

#chatterbox #tw: abuse #tw: death mention #tw: suicide mention #PSA

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5hfanfiction · 7 years

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(Camila/You) - Phantasm - Chapter 7

If one thing was to be said about Miami, it’s that it’s so, so much better than where my family lived in before. The weather did take a bit getting used to but I’ve slowly made my home here. At first, I thought Phantasm might’ve had me make a home in Miami to be closer to Camila but then again maybe she knew I would grow to love this beautiful city.

It was the day after Christmas and Sam practically pulled me out of the house to get some ice cream. I struck a deal with her though and had her come with me to the record store before I took her out. And now she was happily singing along with ‘Last Christmas’.

“Hey Sam,” I called out. “Ever thought about being a superstar singer like your sister?”

She threw me a disgusted look on the rearview mirror. “Eww why you calling yourself a superstar? You’re not even that good.”

Macy and I laughed at her remark. Sam wasn’t the type of sister who always told me I was the best or anything like that—even in our old life. I guess for her, I’m just Y/N, her sister. Not Y/N, Grammy winning singer. And I appreciated the fact that she thought like that because that meant our relationship could stay as it was. I couldn’t live with myself if Sam changed because of my own selfish wish.

“Your sister is a Grammy winner though,” Macy chimed in.

“Yeah maybe she’s just lucky.”

The three of us continued our banter until we arrived at the record store. Sam and I got out first as Macy tried to find a parking spot. The young woman behind the counter greeted us as we walked in and I noticed the way her mouth dropped the second she saw me. I gave her a small wave before I maneuvered Sam into the records section. I felt relieved when I saw that no one was there.

“Are you gonna look at everything for like an hour again?”

I grinned and ruffled her hair. “You know me so well, little sister.”

Sam rolled her eyes and walked away from me, probably to look at the more modern artists in the front. I grabbed a record from the shelf and surveyed one of Marvin Gaye’s albums. I was only on my fifth album when I noticed someone looking at me. When I lifted my head, I saw the store clerk looking at me in amazement. She looked like she was in shock so I smiled and greeted her, hoping to alleviate the awkwardness.

“Hi there.”

“Can—can I—hel—help you? With—with anything?”

She looked like she was having difficulties breathing so I decided to wave her off because my presence might be causing her some distress. “No, I’m okay. Just looking at albums.”

“O—okay.”

She scurried away from me and I began to sort through the records again. But not even two minutes after our first encounter, I saw her back beside me holding a record and a marker.

“H—hi again,” she said with a shaky voice.

“Are you okay?” I asked. “You sound… nervous?”

She nodded and pushed the record and marker into my hands. “Pl—please can—can you sign this?”

I looked down and noticed it was a record of one of my songs. It was a song I originally wrote at the convenience store when there weren’t any people coming inside. The song was a duet about two people who were in a relationship built on lies and dishonesty. But still, they want to hold on to what they have. However, holding on just brings more pain that saying goodbye was the only way to make it okay.

It was one of my favorite songs and I was low-key happy she picked that one for me to sign. Her eyes widened the moment I returned it to her. She hugged me and thanked me a total of five times before she finally ran back to the counter.

Sam occasionally walked up to me, a few cd’s in hand. She asked me if I could buy it and I just nodded. Now, in my new life, money wasn’t a problem anymore. And I genuinely want to make Sam happy by giving her everything I couldn’t before. She and my mom deserve as much.

I raised my hand to grab another record off the shelf but was surprised when it suddenly fell back. I looked behind the records and was surprised to see a familiar face.

“Lauren?” She looked up and locked eyes with me. God, her eyes were so beautiful. And it developed such a beautiful contrast surrounded by her dark hair and complimented by her pale complexion.

“Oh my god, Y/N. Is that you?”

I smiled and walked over to her side. She was still clutching the record in her hands, however, her eyes never strayed away from me.

“Fancy meeting you here, Jauregui,” I said.

Lauren chuckled. “If I knew I was gonna meet you I would’ve worn something better.”

My eyes surveyed Lauren’s outfit and noticed she was wearing a loose t-shirt with shorts. “You look fine.” I nodded at the record in her hands. “Nirvana. Good choice.”

Lauren opened her mouth to speak but something behind me stopped her. I followed her eyes and saw a girl walking towards us.

“Hey, Laur, I think I found—”

She stopped the moment she saw me and dropped the cd she was holding. I winced at the sound it made because judging by it, something broke for sure. The store clerk was on us in less than a minute and looked between me and the broken album on the floor. I picked it up and apologized to her.

“I’m sorry, I’ll pay for this. Put it with the others,” I assured her.

She just nodded and left the three of us alone. It only took a few pokes in my mind to recognize who the girl with the wide open mouth was.

“Hi, you’re Taylor right? Lauren’s sister?” I asked, extending my hand.

“Oh my god,” she exclaimed. “Can I hug you?” I smiled and opened my arms. In no time at all, she already had her arms wrapped around me. “I’m sorry, I’m like your biggest fan.” “It’s okay, good to meet you Taylor.”

When she finally let go of me, I turned to Lauren who was watching us with amusement on her face.

“Good job at not making this awkward, Taylor,” she said.

“I know, I thought I was ready.” Taylor stood behind Lauren with her cheeks flushed but still peeking at me from time to time. “I’m sorry about that, it’s Taylor’s fault, let me pay,” Lauren insisted.

“Don’t worry about it,” I said, waving my hand. “I was buying some records anyway.”

“Y/N! Ice cream time!”

I looked back and saw Sam running up to me. However, she slowed down when she saw who I was with. She gasped and held my hand so tight that I almost groaned in pain.

“It’s Lauren!” she shouted.

“Yeah, shout louder, sis. I don’t think New York heard you,” I said, trying to pry her tight grip from my hand.

“Can I have an autograph?”

“Only if I can have your sister’s,” Taylor spat out.

“You have a deal, girl I never met before,” said Sam, extending her hand and shaking Taylor’s.

Lauren and I laughed and for a second the thought that she had a different laugh as Camila’s crossed my mind.

“Weren’t you about to get ice cream, Sam?” I turned to Lauren and Taylor. “Would you guys like to join us? My treat.”

Taylor looked excited and was probably bursting to say yes but it was Lauren that responded. “Sure. There’s a great ice cream place downtown that doesn’t get much people at this time. Wanna try that out?”

“I don’t know,” I said, feigning doubt. “You don’t look like an ice cream connoisseur.”

“Then you have a lot to learn about me,” she said with a wink. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel something stir inside me with that wink.

“Lead the way, Lauren.”

-//-//-//-//-//-

If there was any doubt in my mind about Lauren’s ice cream skills, they were all gone now. I groaned as I took another bite of my ice cream. She was right, the ice cream here is heavenly and there were only minimal people in the store. We were sitting at the corner though, just to be sure.

“Are you impressed with my mad ice cream skills yet?”

I laughed and watched Sam get mad when I scooped some of her ice cream on my spoon. “Color me impressed.”

“Wow Y/N L/N is impressed with me, I can die happy now.”

“Not yet, you still need to show me more of these mad ice cream skills you’re bragging about.”

Macy came back on our table with some napkins and Lauren and I decided to make good the promise we made to our respective siblings. Sam was ecstatic when she finally got Lauren’s autograph. Taylor, on the other hand, was a lot more cool about it but still, she was smiling at me the whole time so I knew she was happy about it.

We made small talk as we ate and as time passed by I noticed the change in my conversation with Lauren. I remember when we first met, she would always seem nervous talking to me but right now, she looked much more comfortable. Plus I had to admit, we did have a lot in common. We had the same music tastes, even the movies we liked. I really enjoyed talking with her because she had a lot of interesting things to say. I could tell immediately that she was very intelligent. She does come off as intimidating sometimes but right now, we were just two friends talking to each other. And that was much more than I can say for my relationship with Camila.

After Sofi and Camila went home, I didn’t get a chance to talk to her ever again. Probably because I was an idiot and forgot to ask for her number, but also because something changed between us that day. For the better or worse? I didn’t know. Everyday I felt the need to drive to her house just for a chance to see her. But I always stopped myself. First, because suddenly appearing unannounced at her front door would make me look like a creep. But most importantly, I didn’t know if I was welcomed yet. Both in her house and in her heart.

“Y/N,” Sam said, tugging my sleeve. “Don’t forget to buy a whole gallon of ice cream before we go home.”

I chuckled and reached out to pinch my sister’s cheek. “I wouldn’t need to buy a whole gallon if you and Sofi didn’t finish it all.”

“Sofi?” I heard Lauren ask.

I released Sam’s sore cheek and went back to eating my ice cream. “Yeah, Sofi Cabello.”

Lauren blinked in surprise and sat up straight, her body visibly tensing. “How—how do you know Sofi?”

“She’s my classmate,” Sam answered.

I was watching Lauren’s exchange with Sam and noticed how she let out a breath when Sam answered her. I don’t know if I was reading too much into her body language but I can’t stop myself from feeling like there’s something more there. Something that I don’t know.

“Oh so you guys go to the same school.”

Sam smiled and nodded. “Yeah. Her family also visited us a few days ago.”

“What?” There was that tense in her body again. But when I looked at her face, her expression remained blank. “Was—was Camila there?”

“Yeah, she was,” I answered. Her eyes turned to me this time but her expression never changed.

She must’ve noticed me studying her because she cleared her throat and began to eat her ice cream again. “Oh that’s cool. Are you and Camila okay now?”

I began to eat my ice cream too, deciding that there wasn’t any deeper meaning behind Lauren’s mood shift. “Yeah, I apologized and she forgave me.”

“When?”

“Uh, Camila actually helped me make it to Sam’s play. I was kinda lost and Camila was nice enough not to leave me. The invite to our house was thanks for that,” I explained.

“I see, that’s cool.” The conversation ended there and I didn’t think much of it at the time. But when we started talking about other things again, Lauren wasn’t that present anymore. She ate her ice cream while she was looking at the table and she would join the conversation only when Taylor asked her something.

I could tell that she was distracted—that she was somewhere else. I wanted to ask her about it but thought better of it. It might be something personal that she wants to keep to herself. So I decided to let it go and let her have some time on her own.

After all, I’m sure it didn’t have anything to do with me anyway.

-//-//-//-//-//-

“Are you sure it’s gonna be there?”

“Yes, my god, don’t you trust me?”

“Not really.”

Phantasm rolled her eyes and genuinely looked pissed at me so I decided to give her a break this time. We said goodbye to the Jauregui siblings after ice cream. I noticed Lauren was still distracted when I hugged her but I didn’t inquire about it any further. I had somewhere more important to be at after all.

When we arrived home, I asked Macy to help Sam unload the ice cream and records because I needed to go somewhere. She offered to drive me there but I declined, saying this was something personal. And now a half hour and a wish later, I was on my way to pick up my Christmas gift for Camila.

“I still think you’re an idiot to have waited this long,” the genie said.

“It’s literally a day after Christmas,” I argued.

“Yeah now imagine how she would feel if you actually gave it to her on Christmas day, fucking cactus.”

“Hey,” I shouted and glared at her. “Stop calling me that.”

“I’ll stop when you stop being one.”

I could feel my head throbbing and decided prolonged arguments with Phantasm wasn’t good for my health. “Get out of my phone and let me see the GPS.”

“I am your phone. And I’m telling you to turn right.”

We argued for a few more minutes before I saw the store a few feet in front of me. “Oh thank god, I see it.”

I maneuvered the car to a parking spot and walked over to Tiffany and Co. There were a few people inside but luckily they were busy looking at the displays to pay any attention to me. My eyes found a man, who I assumed was the manager, waving at me on the far right.

“Good to meet you, Ms. L/N. I’m Victor, the manager of this branch.”

I grabbed his extended hand and shook it in mine. “Nice to meet you. I—I ordered something this afternoon?”

“Ah yes, of course. Your assistant called us with the specifics. Let me just get it.”

He was probably talking about Phantasm. I’ve always been curious how she manages to grant my wishes. Like earlier, I wished for a specific type of necklace which I didn’t even know existed. But then something like this pops up out of nowhere and I’m left to wonder if she just makes things appear out of thin air. I’d have to ask her about that later.

After a few minutes, Victor walked back towards me with a blue box in his hand. He placed the box in front of me and smiled. “I hope this suits your taste.”

“Oh wow.” The moment he opened the box, I was speechless. The necklace inside of it was the exact same thing I described to Phantasm: a gold necklace with a bow pendant littered with diamonds on the center.

When I first thought about what to give Camila, I began thinking about something to symbolize the time we spent together. However, I realized that instead of including me in the meaning, it should be something that described who Camila was. And since Phantasm gave me all the knowledge about Fifth Harmony, I knew exactly what it is that represents Camila the best.

It took me only a few minutes to pay for it and be back on the road again. It was disgustingly expensive, clocking in at a whopping ten thousand dollars. Back in my old life, if I wanted that kind of money, I had to work everyday without eating. But now, in this life I was living, I could buy ten thousand of those things and I wouldn’t even dent my bank account. It was exhilarating and scary at the same time.

I parked my car in front of Camila’s house. I could see lights coming from the living room so that’s a good sign. Grabbing the blue box on the passenger’s seat, I made my way to the door and rang the doorbell. I had to admit, I was nervous. I’ve always wanted to see Camila since she stayed at my house but I wanted a reason. And this gift was the perfect thing even if it was just an excuse to talk with Camila again.

I hid the box behind me when the door opened and Sinu greeted me. She didn’t need to ask me who I wanted to talk to anymore because she was already calling Camila before I could greet her back.

“Who is it?” I heard Camila say. She rounded the corner and I immediately smiled once our eyes met. But for some reason Camila’s smile faltered when she saw me. She blinked a few times before walking out the door and closing it behind her.

“Or you could not invite me in, that’s fine,” I joked trying to solicit a smile from her but she just looked at me with the wary eyes of a stranger.

“What’re you doing here?” she asked. I shrugged off the obvious iciness on her voice. Something bad must’ve happened or I came at a bad time.

“I didn’t get a chance to greet you Merry Christmas,” I said. “And now I’m a little late.”

Camila just continued staring at me and it was getting uncomfortable by the second. I wasn’t used to Camila being passive like this—or not smiling at all.

“That’s hardly worthy of a personal visit,” she muttered under her breath. However, I heard each word reverberate like thunder inside my head. There was something wrong with Camila and I wanted so badly to shake it out of her.

I cleared my throat and presented her with the box. “This is my Christmas gift to you. I hope you like it.”

She looked between me and the box for a while without saying anything. I glanced down and saw that she was flexing her hand—a sure sign of decision-making. And this time she was probably debating whether to take the box or not.

It seemed like hours before Camila finally took it from me. “Thanks,” she said, quietly. She slowly opened the box and I watched her face go from curiosity to wonder in less than a second.

Content that she was showing some emotion again, I decided to talk to her about the necklace. “I was thinking of getting you something that represented who you were. And I know that you love bows and your fans associate you with them. Plus a bow is a sign of infinity… just like the time I always want to spend with you.”

Her eyes met mine the moment I said the last line. She was finally looking at me the way she did before—with a softness and care that only Camila could exhibit. I let Camila examine the necklace, her fingers delicately tracing the outline of the bow. Suddenly, as if snapped out of a trance, Camila closed the box and stared at the gold lettering of 'Tiffany and Co.’ on top of the box.

“Did you give gifts to the other girls too?” she asked, refusing to meet my eyes.

I scratched my chin and chuckled. “No, only you. Come to think of it, I should get them something too, shouldn’t I?”

Camila remained quiet for a time, only the soft howl of the wind between us. She was chewing on her lip and I slowly felt the nervousness grip my heart. There was something wrong with her, something stopping her from being her usual, normal self. And I hated to act like a persistent girlfriend when I wasn’t even hers but I couldn’t stop myself from asking about it anymore.

“Camila what—”

“You met Lauren this morning.”

I was taken aback by Camila’s random topic change. It didn’t make sense that she’d be asking something like that right now but I decided to humor her on it.

“Yeah, I did,” I said.

“You told her I was at your house.”

“Well more specifically Sam did but I don’t see anything wrong with that. Should I have not told her?”

I thought I heard her murmur 'yes’ but couldn’t be sure. There was something horribly wrong about the Camila I’m talking to right now and I wanted to figure it out and possibly help her but she was making it seem like I was the reason everything went to shit for her. And as usual, I had no fucking idea why.

Camila reached out towards me and grabbed my hand. The action was so unprecedented that my heart started hammering in my chest again. I wondered what Camila would do but she was just looking at it, staring at the lines on my hand. Just when I thought she wasn’t gonna do anything, she placed the box on my hand and let go.

“I’m sorry, I—I can’t accept this.”

“Wha—what?” She looked into my eyes and when before her almond eyes would invite me to take a closer look, now, there was nothing but caution in them.

“I just—I can't—” Camila let out a breath and composed herself. “You can’t give me special treatment. You can’t isolate me from the other girls. I—I can’t be special to you, Y/N.”

“Of course you’re special to me, Camila. I like you,” I argued. I don’t know where she was coming from but I could feel her slowly backing away from me—from my feelings.

“Then stop liking me.”

My whole world shattered at that moment. Those four words played over and over again in my head, each time getting louder. That did not compare, however, to the pounding in my heart. I wanted to run away but stay at the same time. I wanted to scream but quietly weep in the corner too.

“What are you—my feelings aren’t a fucking light switch,” I cried out. I knew my voice was getting louder and Camila’s family might hear but I did not fucking care right now. “I can’t just turn it off because you told me to.”

“Then let me help you. Don’t come to my house ever again.”

She stormed towards the door but I managed to grab her hand and stop her. I couldn’t let it end like this. I knew she felt something for me and that’s something I can’t just let go of. I needed a goddamn explanation. I needed a second chance.

“What did I do? Tell me please. Let me make it right,” I begged.

There was pain in her eyes as Camila looked at me. But as soon as it appeared, it was gone just as quickly. She pulled her arm from my hold and the force made me drop the box on the hard ground.

“It’s not you,” she said, closing the door in front of my face.

My legs buckled underneath me and I had to sit in their front step because I had no energy to stand. I didn’t even have any energy to think about what just happened. Even before anything happened between us, Camila already rejected me.

I nestled my face on my knees as I felt the start of tears forming in my eyes. All the progress I made with Camila, all gone. I was never gonna hear her laugh at my stories anymore. I was never gonna feel her touch me anymore. Loving her was so short and yet, the pain felt like it would never leave me. When the tears fell, her last words were the only thing I could cling to.

It’s not you.

A/N: All these secrets Camila’s keeping from you…

#UPDATE #series #non AU #slash #/you #angst drama #family #humour #romance fluff #submission #Phantasm

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