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Let me preface this by saying that I'm recounting all of this kind of mundane shit about BFR for myself because guaranteed I'm going to be trying to understand/recap this narrative while im lonely in colorado. And honestly I know it's gonna be easy for me to forget details and second-guess shit that feels so obvious to me in the moment. So if you don't want a blow by blow of this absolutely PG romantic relationship, just skip this one for now.

Today was really nice and the first day in a little while where I haven't had anything pressing to do. It was pouring at the clinic today--has been all week. Yesterday I sat in my front seat w BFR and we smoked a joint together and made fun of the one wet protester until the rain passed. Great morning.

We had lunch together at one of my favorite taco spots in my old neighborhood, and then we had to walk back to the thai place where we ate dinner the night before bc they'd left their sunglasses behind. We went to a coffee shop for a while where they patiently waited for me to be done with a working meeting on my laptop. Then we took a walk in the park in between rain. It was just seamless, idk. There's no question that we'll go do the next thing together. When the rain wouldn't let up at the park, I suggested we go to one of my fave places in the city, and I drove us to a giant used bookstore that was a few miles away.

I didn't realize until we got there that they'd never been before!! I try to take everyone I can there if they're from out of town, and it is ABSOLUTELY my favorite place to both take a new date and have a special date with an established partner. I don't feel guilty about taking basically everyone I've ever dated there--a good date is a good date. There's a lot of built-in conversation to be had and it's easier than a bar and free to wander around. We accidentally killed an enormous amount of time there, and we shot the shit about 20th century history which is my jam, so amazing to talk abt it w someone who can hang, READS, and doesn't have anything to prove in terms of static knowledge recall.

We hung out for a little while but they had yoga and I wanted to head home so we split up after that and it felt... weird? Like it always feels like there's this last step we are missing to our goodbyes. They forced a hug one time when we were saying goodbye from the clinic, but it was really early on and RIGHT when I was coming to terms with being attracted to them (like second time seeing them after having the realization) which means I was in ultra robot mode, and also assumed it was one-sided and they were just trying to be nice. Like I literally think I did a one arm side hug and they were so dejected they never tried again. Now we're weeks later and it feels weird that we're not kissing goodnight or something.

But I had the evening to myself and finally broke down and talked to someone from my real life about them. He was very affirming that I'm not insane, and just recapping the timeline to someone made it make more sense in my mind. I didn't even have to present half of my evidence for my friend to say yeah, that's going in A Direction. I just second guess it all for a variety of reasons, but for example when I screenshotted a text and sent it as evidence that I feel like they text me like a coworker sometimes, my friend pointed out that nobody in the history of neutral coworkers has ever crafted such a long and careful text. Which. Touche.

This morning we were back out at the clinic bright and early. My friend was supposed to join us but she couldn't at the last minute. Instead she dropped into the chat and asked if someone could fill in for her. If I didn't feel like we were already attracting attention (spoiler: we are), i would've REALLY preferred to jump in and say "noooo worries, no third wheel needed please." But we are getting a little visible. So I didn't. And BFR's friend jumped in to take my friend's place volunteering with us.

I ended up being really happy the friend was there though! The two of us are more like a couple when there IS a third person there, although the vibe can be a lot to navigate sometimes and I often have to shut down and take some time to myself. It wasn't unwelcome to have him there though. It makes the vibe between me & bfr more apparent, pronounced, whatever. We already have such a shorthand in common which 😍 wrow, communication fluency.

I invited his friend to lunch with us, and he accepted, and it was fun--I took them to my favorite Greek place which is legit like three blocks from the clinic.

Friend went on his way, the two of us moved to the next location: their favorite spot to work. I also love this location bc you can watch the afternoon rain and vape furiously on the porch without getting wet. Like I said, today was the first day in a while where neither of us had much to do in the way of work. They have been threatening to inflict their favorite board game on me for a while now, and it finally happened today. I am notoriously uninterested in board games (more like bored games amiright) but the combo of my biggest fan being excited to teach/compliment me on how AMAZING i am at it (rofl lying but ok) and the inherent fun of the game meant that I, uh, had a lot of fun, unfortunately.

We did two REALLY close rounds, and in the second game they almost fully missed a work call they had at 7:00 (I remembered bc i am insane but I also didn't mention it until 6:50 bc I thought maybe they were goofing on me and pretending like they'd lost track of time). Turns out they had been planning on muting and barely looking at the meeting anyway bc they didn't wanna stop playing--which is flattering but I'm also like "[Redacted], i already very much want the best for you, INCLUDING not becoming completely codependent and risking your living bc im so charming and fun" so there was a lot of me pausing the play and asking about the meeting.

By the time that was over, we were already butting up against the time we were supposed to meet their friends to lift tonight. We hadn't eaten dinner but they offered to feed me at their place which was perfect. We went straight back and holy shit their homemade leftovers were delicious.

Their friends came on time to lift and the first thing out of the mouth of the one who knows me better was "you and [redacted] have really been spending a lot of time together huh?" The two of us made eye contact and kinda laughed and BFR said "yep" and both made the 😬 face and the friend wouldn't let it go and repeated "you guys spend all day together now..." and my 😬 face couldn't get any more intense and he said "all day... today..." i said "yep we're pretty codependent." (I'd made the same not-joke yesterday when I was very truly pointing out that I don't remember what to do with my alone time anymore, and they not-jokingly replied "yeah we've ruined each other." Which like. At least we're aware.) Only later did I realize that BFR mustve been talking to the friend about it bc I definitely wasn't and there was no public talk about it in our shared discord so 👀 bitch i see u chatting in private abt me.

Lifting was incredible as always. Their friends who are a decade younger than us and sometimes join us, sometimes don't, really crack me up and I have such a good rapport with one of the guys that I think I lift better with him around (the one who was giving us a hard time tonight). He dishes out the abuse I give him while lifting, which I love. Between him and bfr, I feel like a fucking all-star lifter in that little garage gym. They talk positively about my form when they don't even realize I can hear them. Even so, BFR will not hesitate to call me out when a lift looks bad or I need a cue.

So yeah. It's nice. Hanging out at their place, being fed, getting let in on a LOT more inner details than I got in the first months of knowing them. That's all lovely. I always try to text them and let them know when I've had a lot of fun with them, and that's just basically turned into a nightly check-in. On Sunday, I got a very coworkery (imo) message from them about enjoying our time together, thanking me for my "wonderful company," thanking me for spending so much time together, thanking me for attending so many events with them, and saying that they are "definitely down to keep hanging out in the future." At the time I felt like "that's a weirdly formal way to put all this" but getting home to tonight's much more neurotic message made it make more sense (along w the feedback from a trusted friend who makes good points). Like it was a careful message because they are being exceedingly careful with me. They know some of my more obvious damage (all the psychic sucking chest wounds are hard to ignore after a few weeks of learning about me, and i've been going out of my way to be quite "warts and all" with them). They value our time together A LOT. And the more that I understand our similarities, the more I know that they're also likely really fucking scared to endanger the chemistry of this friendship by introducing ANY other dynamic.

Im finally getting to the end here. Tumblr will probably eat this entry. I'm posting it before a full edit--RIP anyone parsing this.

But the message that I came home to tonight was FINALLY a little more vulnerable, and essentially said that if I want to spend LESS time with them, I'm going to have to tell them that straight up, and that that'll be ok, but if so they need to lnow because this is the amount of time they want to spend with me (all of it), and they don't anticipate that changing.

So! Guess I'll puke and die now! Literally spent five minutes last night considering how I could smuggle them to Colorado with me. Also I haven't had anywhere to put this but since this is an all-bfr all the time blog now, we are going to go on a trip together to chicago in August! There's an actual reason to go other than lovefest vacation (pretty much a work trip for them that I've been asked to tag along for) but as we are actually finalizing the trip plans, it definitely feels more than a little bit like we are going on a lovefest vacation. Which is all the more reason why it would be great to not be hella conspicuous (even though it's a little fun being hella conspicuous).

Like I didn't need another human to come validate my existence, but I *did* need to meet someone who could threaten the idea that I'm ready to die alone. It's nice. It's all nice!! I'm definitely not crying and throwing up!!!

He's a douche. He's a terrible friend, he mistreats Rig.by like.

A lot.

I'm not gonna sit here and say Rig.by is like... perfect or an innocent angel, but it's a little unfair. He's smaller and he is a victim of incredibly harsh punches, he gets left in the dirt everytime he finds a new girl to obsess over and he calls off arrangements for hangouts they've had for dayssss just because he has a thing for a girl, and he literally killed him once. Obviously Mor.decai doesn't know how much this affects rig.by and I feel like Twi.light would happily try to solve their friendship problem which is probably how this would start.

I like to imagine their ship would start when the Cuti.e mar.k map is a thing. The map would probably call her to a place outside of Equestrian territories, and she'd go because the map is calling specifically her. I think the map would call her specifically because it is a friendship issue about miscommunication and neglect, which is something twiley is very.. guilty of??? (cough cough, her entire friendgroup she ditched and moon.dancer...) So I feel as though it would be something she is very well versed on; and knows how neglecting a friendship and the feelings of your friends can have it deteriorate at the seams, also she is the princess of friendship and she's like good at what their friendship is struggling with so I feel like if anyone should be called to help them deal with the issue it would be her???

I feel like there would be a joke where mord.ecai and rig.by meet her and Mor.decai offhandedly mentions that he's afraid of unicorns and she'd be like 'actually I'm an alicorn!' and then he'd be like 'Oh cool' and thats be the end of that gag

Um, I feel like she'd show up at the park and see them slacking on their job and help them do it bc she thinks she's doing some benevolent nice thing helping them w their work (shes not getting paid for it, and she's a neat freak anyways so I feel like she would anyways to help get stress of their shoulders) and like morde.cai and rigs would realize that she's like really good for them to have around. Rigs would probably say smth like 'dude she can do all our work' and mords would be like ' dude that's not cool we're not gonna put all our work on this horse'

😭😭😭

I feel like Mords would be more mature abt her presence so she'd talk to him more. Since she's staying until the friendship issue is resolved she'd probably automatically wanna... stay the night at a local library??? like how she does in a certain movie

Mords would like. Start to like her friend her talking and her sweet demeanor and likeeee... when he likes a girl he starts lying so he'd probably tell her he LOVES books (He hardly ever reads...) But she believes him so she invites him to hang out and discuss books of their choice at the local library so theres a sideplot where Mords is like panicking abt how he doesn't know what book to pick since he doesn't...... read books. And he starts researching random books trying to find a right one that is easy to sum up in a convo so he won't look like a fat liar in front of her, all the while bc of this the friendship problem is probably getting worse bc now he's focusing on trying to find a interesting good book or come up w a lie to make it seem like he's an avid book reader to impress this girl he just met and he's kinda. ignoring rigs and twiley eventually finds out both of these things and chews him out for and theres like an arc where they're arguing and apart and mad at eachother but then mords realizes he's being a total douche to his best friend bc he's focusing on her instead and thats what she's mad abt, not the book thing- and theres like a whole character arcc growwth and............ blah blah blah.......

I feel like being around rigs and mords would be good for her bc she's a princess (she wouldn't mention that out of fear it would make them change how they treat her, bc lets be honest it affects how everyone treats her, even her friends in the show at times) and she just wants to be a friend to them both, the boys would teach her how to actually let loose and relax and not worry-247 they'd teach her how to slack and she'd teach them how to lock in, I think it'd be very nice and healthy positive for both sides. I feel like if they found out she's a princess rigs would definitely be weird about it but mords would like ask why she didn't say so sooner and theres this whole trauma dump arc where she explains how she raised a dragon while she was a foal ontop of her studies and how she was thrown into the princess thing w/o preparation or anything and mords and rigs would be... horrified???

my best friend (online, we live in different countries and I have no one in real life so it's just her) and I have known each other for two years and at first things were great. we would talk all the time and we were happy being friends but lately it feels like we're both only staying friends out of habit. I'm not happy with the way she treats me lately. she ignores me a lot and only talks about her own interests. we were both exols and since I became an army she treats me differently. (1)

at first she told me it's okay to talk to her about bts even though she hates them but I could tell she didn't want that so I stopped talking to her about them. she never gave me a chance anyway cause she always dismissed whatever I said and went on to talk about what she wanted. when she talks about stuff that I don't care though I always play along and at least act like I'm interested because she wants someone to talk to about her interests and I'm a good friend. (2)

so I don't understand why she can't do the same. also she gets mad if I disagree with her on something, not in a serious way but she acts like I have to agree with everything she says. I know she doesn't wanna be my friend anymore cause of the way she talks to me now. part of me would be relieved if we stopped talking but another part of me feels guilty for thinking like that cause despite all that she's someone who was there for me when I needed her. and I don't know what to do. (3)

I wanna stay her friend but I also don't. and don't tell me I should talk to her about this. she will just get mad and that would make things worse. (4)

honestly right now shes being a shitty friend and this relationship is bringing u way more bad things than good ones from what u are saying so i’d say distance urself. people change constantly n its not anyones fault if u dont get along anymore, it happens, i dont think ppl need to have the same interests to be close but there should be something abt that person that makes u happy n comfortable to be around and talk to......if it isnt like that anymore then its just not good for u. u said shes been there for u in the past and its good u are grateful, being there for each other is something good friends should do! but the fact that she did that in the past doesnt change what is happening now. i know u said i didnt need to give u any advice but.......thats what i think. maybe try putting some distance n see how she reacts? but if u aren’t even comfortable talking abt this without her getting mad at u then idk how u can try to make it better honestly

hi cham, sorry to bother you but i was wondering if i could ask you for advice. my friend rly dislikes namjoon bc of the racist things he's said in the past (we're both black) even though i think he's reflected and learned from his mistakes. i even showed her the vlive where he mentioned he's working on bettering himself and educating himself so as not to make the same mistakes and taking responsibility for his actions. (1/2)

(2/2) but she still didn’t think it was enough bc he didn’t actually apologize for what he said :/ at this point i don’t even want to bring him up around her coz she actively hates on him & wants to argue abt it. now she’s starting to make me feel guilty for liking him and it sucks. any advice on what i should do?

here’s a good post that i like to have people read in addition to showing them the lives where he’s said he’s working on bettering himself. you can also tell her that it’s entirely possible he’s under the directive of the company not to mention any of his mistakes specifically in case it catches traction on the news again. he can’t just unroll a scroll of everything the fandom’s ever called him out for and apologize one by one because that wouldn’t feel authentic? at least to me. those racist things happened so so so long ago that bringing them out now in the specifics would just be weird as a business decision, and bighit is better than that.

i think the vlives where he actively acknowledges that there are things he’s been criticized for and that he is working to educate and better himself are the best we can get. it’s one of the most personal statements i’ve ever seen from an idol about this kind of thing. rather than the company issuing a press statement like what usually happens.

however, what it does sound like is your friend is determined to hate him and nothing will change her mind. i personally wouldn’t bother.

also? “now she’s starting to make me feel guilty for liking him and it sucks”? that’s absolutely dickish of her on a personal level, namjoon or not. making anyone feel guilty for liking something is dicky. actively hating on someone you’re aware that your friend clearly likes in a harmless way is kind of dicky. actively pursuing constant arguments over a goddamn kpop idol with your friend when it’s clear neither of you are budging is lowkey toxic? guilt tripping your friend in any way whatsoever is dickish. tell your friend to stop guilt tripping you for liking an idol. he’s just an idol, but you, her friend, are right there, and she’s being a dick to you. talk to her about never mentioning him again since it’s clearly putting a strain on your friendship and bringing out the worst in her? that’s my advice :/ sorry you’re being treated that way.