dating sim (VN or CYOA... hmmm) with a mostly/exclusively fat character cast... with lots of cool gender + poly inclusive... this would be nice. mayhaps time to put my RenPy or Twine love to use... idk what sort of thing. just. might be nice to stretch the coding muscles again.

thinking about giving ellie a hug — and i’m talking like, your arms draped around her neck and hers squeezing around your waist, (not too tightly, but just enough for you to feel protected and, like? wanted? if that makes any sense at all idfk i’m just rambling because i literally just had this thought) with her chin resting on your shoulder — just to hear that fucking mennacingly pretty, freckly lesbian who usually appeared so dissatisfied, so annoyingly unfazed by pretty much everything!!! the one who never seemed to be affected by the unremarkable, mumble, “you smell really good.” 

pleeeeeeease oh my god

my total drama oc is a reversal of the show's pre-established "villain" archetype.

right off the bat, they're just the worst person; outright antagonistic towards everyone and constantly causing conflict amidst the cast, openly orchestrating people's eliminations, blatantly cheating but in such a way that technically they're not breaking any rules- without disguising themself behind a mask of geniality (like alejandro, heather and julia did).

and they're kept around well into the competition because their villainy? it's ratings gold. people love a good antagonist, especially one that's so productive. the audience loves to hate them, or hates that they love them, and everyone is gunning for their downfall- which only becomes more and more tempting with every elimination.

plus, chris is more than happy to enable them so long as they keep things interesting.

interestingly enough, they never seem to use the confessional. or at least, none of their confessions are aired. well, that's not exactly true. one confession is aired, and it's them boasting to the audience that they wouldn't understand the inner machinations of their mind, and that they don't deserve to hear their thoughts.

consequently, the audience has no idea what they're thinking at any given time, only seeing glimpses of their schemes throughout the episode until everything comes to fruition- like a puzzle finally being completed. it's a smart move for the network, because it means the audience gets to watch their plans play out in 'real time' without their insight/foreknowledge, making it just as impactful to the viewers as it is to the competitors. it helps with immersion, which is a boon for the ratings!

until their elimination, wherein their confessions are played out on the big screen, and it's heartbreaking.

they explain, in their first confession, that they were accosted by chris at the beginning of the competition to act as the main antagonistic force for the show, and that he's turn a blind eye to their antics so long as they kept the viewers watching, even paying them a decent salary if their act was good enough. because they're smart- smart enough to play the rest of the cast like a fiddle if they wanted to, and chris wants them to.

what a great deal, right? being given blanket permission to be as conniving as possible, and a pay check to boot- who wouldn't take the opportunity?

and they round it out by "getting into character" on camera, sneering haughtily at the lens and- you guessed it- boasting to the audience that they wouldn't understand the inner machinations of their mind, before giggling dorkily at the silliness of their statement, commenting that it'd we way too obvious they were faking if they acted that snooty. they're a theatre kid at heart, so the idea of "playing the villain" is exciting! it's going to be so fun!

but their second confession is sombre. they're visibly tired, wiping away at the concealer under their eyes to reveal some heavy bags, and they're curled up into a pitiful ball in front of the camera. they divulge that the pressure to constantly live up to the shows expectations of antagonism is crushing, and their status as a social pariah is more draining than they'd care to admit, and that- despite the apparent glee they've been committing these acts of villainy with- being so outwardly morally corrupt has left them with a constant churning of guilt in their gut. they only agreed to be the "bad guy" for the money, which would help their family's financial situation tremendously, but they're growing increasingly uncertain if the reward justifies the risks.

by the third confession, they're actively sickened by their actions, eventually devolving from airing their frustrations, lamenting their choice to method act as such an awful person, to throwing up into the confessional's toilet as they hold back guilt-leaden tears and repeat a mantra of "i'm sorry, i'm sorry,". they're drowning in the murky waters of their persona, and backing out now would only lead to more scrutiny and suspicion from the people who were supposed to be their friends, and they know they'd deserve the mistrust. plus, backtracking from their deal with chris would jeopardise everything- from the dirty money they've earned from their antagonism to their place in the competition itself; they'd be voted out in a heartbeat without the network's safety blanket of plot armour!

they don't know what to do. they barely even know who they are anymore.

and then the camera's focus cuts to the real-time them, who's sat ashen-faced and deathly still as their weakest moments are broadcast, not only to the people who rightfully hate them, but to the whole world.

Thinking about a scenario where Alouette and Ciel sit down and watch some Magical Girl anime together

tried my hand at making a cross-stitch pattern!

(based on this post by @dadstielkline)

I wasn't going to request anything this year, but I saw the drawing of Edgar and Scriabin hugging and now I cannot help but request a second hug drawing, if that's okay? I love your art, it brings me so much joy! <3

Day 11 - So strong!

I'm kind of debating whether to use this as a general studyblr. we're not in formal education and haven't been for years, but we've been trying to learn more about various topics and it'd maybe be nice to track that somewhere, and since this is already a blog dedicated to studying it seems like a good option

man i love jinbe

anybody wanna send some asks while I wrap up this comm? the beast craves interaction

re:self perception, I feel like that one drawing where the person is Very lesbian from head to toe but like she lost her pin or her bracelet broke or something and she’s like “oh no how will people be able to tell now ):” except me with being trans.

except my analog for the pin is I’m just not in makeup or making slightly more of an effort to dress fem. like idk, shaved face alone I already feel really pretty and own so few masculine looking outfits so idk? (⁠´⁠-⁠﹏⁠-⁠`⁠；⁠) I would hope I don’t come across as cis esp interacting with other trans ppl lol.

anyways, at least on here I feel like we’re afraid to talk to other trans ppl on the street bc we don’t want to out/clock them but we also desperately want to be Seen and interacted with by other trans folk when we’re out. idk... is getting clocked by another trans person rly even that bad? would we not be rly happy to have another trans person pick us out from the crowd and be excited to talk to us? Personally I don’t rly care about “passing” and all the implicit standards around it and just kinda see clocking as a neutral “i can tell”.

street etiquette is confusing. idk what the answer is or even what my question is exactly, I just know there’s a lot of trans ppl out there who wish they knew More trans ppl and that we’re also kind of afraid to interact with each other when we’re out. what’s up with that?

these r just some silly passing thoughts so don’t read too much into it, but ykwim though?

i see or hear alternative/punk rock content and arata screams at the top of his lungs to let him out

somehow dfy will be 2 years old this month

been thinking a lot about giving myself some proper bangs lately...

man I wish I had friends to create stuff with

idly wondering with what experts would diagnose me if I was 100% truthful and could remember every single thing that happened to me and every single quirk I developed because of it <3

I got back to trying to write the Olli/Aleksi fic I mentioned last(?) week, and this is basically how it's going

me: this will be a cute fluffy sfw story

o & a: but what if we kissed... and our hands started to wander... and things got a little heated...

me: sure, a bit of that sounds great 👍 just don't get too carried away!

o & a: *kissing, groaning, neck biting, slight scratching, moaning*

me: okay that's enough! let's go back to the cute fluff and wrap up this fic

o & a: no 😊

me: i won't let you continue. go to bed boys.

o & a: okay!

me: ... wait, i meant, go to bed for some cuddles and sleeping!!

o & a: lol sure 😏 *undressing each other in between heated kisses*

me: i did not see that coming