#but it's so connected to my mom and it's so hard to do it knowing I can't show the work to her
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Jack still sort of maintaining a relationship with Roy the first few years after Haley dies (Aaron thought it was important to maintain those connections for Jack even tho it hurt Aaron to do 😭 it was easy with Jess who he loves but SUCKED with Roy) but he gets extremely exclusionary once Ellie is born. Him being like “I will spend time with MY grandson who belonged to MY daughter but I will not be wasting my time, energy, and money on a child you’ve had with another woman. A child who – might I point out – would not have been born if you stayed married to my daughter and didn’t get her killed in the first place.”
Aaron being pissed on Ellie’s behalf (and his feelings are hurt tbh) and you being pissed on both of their behalfs. But, unexpectedly, Hc that Jack overheard this conversation and basically says to Aaron the next time Roy wants to take him somewhere (Aaron didn’t want to make HIM feel bad on top of everything else by banning him from seeing his grandfather, so he was gonna let him go), “I don’t want to spend time with grandpa Roy if he’s gonna be mean to Ellie. Thank you, but I’ll stay here.” SUCH A GOOD BIG BROTHERRRRR you and Aaron are so proud 🥺❤️
OHHH MY GOD??
roy just completely refuses to acknowledge that ellie exists 😭
it happened right from the start: when aaron shared the two of you were expecting, roy brushed it off, muttering something incoherently in response. after she's born, aaron invites him over for family dinners, he refuses to come. he's invited to ellie's first, second, third birthday party, doesn't come. every time he comes over, he acts like he's never seen her before. disregarding her completely.
it becomes very clear very fast that he wants to spend time with jack and jack only. as much as aaron hates to admit it, in a way, he understands. roy's bitter about what happened to haley, so this was somewhat expected. it's a different situation that's hard to navigate - ellie isn't related to him, so if roy doesn't want to bring her along to places, whatever, aaron's not going to force roy to do anything. the issue is what an issue it is. how ellie is being treated.
it's more of a problem when ellie is a bit older, and wants to tag along with jack wherever he goes. she just wants to be included 🥺 sweet ellie simply says hi when roy comes over to pick up jack, he ignores her. the next time, she draws him a picture, and he doesn't accept it.
aaron gently confronts him, and that's when roy brings up haley and how this child is a disgrace to her. imagine he full-on admits he wishes she never existed?? 😭 ellie's a product of what happened to haley, he'll never forgive aaron for getting her killed, so he'll never accept this child's existence. she shouldn't exist.
that angers aaron and he starts going off - ellie is a part of this family, whether you like it or not. and fine, you don't have to love her (saying that SHATTERS aaron's heart) but do not treat her like she's nothing. aaron won't let that stand.
it starts a huge argument 🥺 roy refuses speak to aaron, except when it comes to arranging his time with jack, and the conversation is very short at that. he doesn't speak much to you either (never has). again in his eyes - you're haley's replacement. jack's new "mom"
and it's especially sad because ellie knows about haley too :( - not the story, but the simple, good things: jack has another mommy, she's not here with us anymore but you can talk to her with a candle. haley has never been a avoided topic in the house, she's encouraged. and so ellie loves haley in her own way :( so to call her a disgrace in haley's name?? when she's also keeping haley's memory alive? :((((
you feel awful. you know how hurt aaron is but he doesn't allow himself to show it. he hates talking about it, and he's always in a mood whenever roy's with jack. you feel awful for your daughter who doesn't know what's going on. you feel awful for jack who's taking an unnecessary weight on his shoulders in terms of this too.
ellie's confused and upset, this is the first person who's ever shown her unkindness. aaron gently tries to explain, but also, how do you explain this to a toddler? so he simply apologizes and scoops her up into his arms and holds her close :( he feels awful, and as if he's failing her in someway. this is "his fault", isn't it? 😭
so if roy's taking jack out, aaron or you, or both combined, take ellie out for the day to do something fun. or try to keep jack heading out on the down-low. it sucks, you still both encourage jack to spend time with his grandfather - maintaining that important relationship - even though it's exceedingly complicated behind the scenes.
and jack, being the sweet sensitive kid he is, picks up on the tension immediately. and he's torn 🥺 he wants to appease his grandfather, knows what he's doing isn't right, but also doesn't want to betray his little sister, letting behavior like this continue. he feels guilty :( he takes the initiative and brings it up to roy himself, asking if ellie can come with them someday, like to the zoo or to a movie. but roy's pretty level-headed and his mind is made up - absolutely no ellie.
so jack gets really upset :( he gets home one day and cries about it :((( you're trying to console him, as is aaron (who's close to tears himself), and ellie wanders over :( she gets sad whenever jack is sad :( and while she has no idea what's going on exactly, she just buries herself right up into jack's side as he's crying. to comfort him too 🥺🫶🏻
overall it's a reallyyyy messy situation, one that you can only hope resolves with time :(
#ellie hotchner <3#aaron hotchner x reader#aaron hotchner#criminal minds#criminal minds x reader#aaron hotchner imagine#criminal minds imagine#jack hotchner#aaron hotchner drabble#criminal minds drabble
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So, despite some faults, I really enjoyed totk, and on its anniversary I want to say something about it. Other people have said similar things before but it’s really important to me and actually a big part of why the story of totk was meaningful to me, so I want to also say it:
Zelda needed to come back from draconification. The story needed that. It wasn’t lazy and just ignoring “consequences” because (imo) that was the *point*
The point is to feel like there are going to be terrible consequences and then say actually, no. You can come back from this, with the help of other people.
To me at least, that was the theme of the whole story.
If botw was about how the world goes on past loss and grief and starts to heal (how flowers grow in the ruins and the world can be beautiful again, be worth saving, even if it has changed)…then totk was about a more personal kind of healing.
The weight of the world should not be on your shoulders alone…you, alone, should not have to fix everything…you should not have to sacrifice yourself, but when you do, someone will be there to save you from it.
This turned into a really long ramble so:
You (Link) gained so much and now it’s gone. It feels like you’re back to where you started and yet you know you have to do it all again…you were weak and you failed and you’re weaker now…but
You go down to the surface. Monsters swarm across it once again. Other people are fighting them too though. You help, but it’s not just you…
You go to the Rito, the Gorons, the Zora, the Gerudo…just like with the divine beasts, there are friends who help you save each region. But this time, part of them comes along with you when you leave. It’s nice, you realize, the first time one of them protects you from a monster you weren’t prepared for. You’re still weaker than you were before, but someone has your back…
When you go up to the sky you see a strange new dragon there. There’s something about them that feels familiar. You try not to think about it.
You go down to the depths too. It’s terrifying at first. You hate it. You only want to get what you came for and get out of the dark….but slowly, the light grows. You get stronger. The dark feels like a challenge you can face (and someone has your back).
There are spirits down there. You don’t know when they’re from, but some part of you wonders…are these all the people you let die in the Calamity? (You help them find rest from their wandering. The weight on your shoulders feels a little less heavy).
There’s so much gloom. The first few times the sky turns red and hands chase you (a reminder of what you’ve lost, how you failed) you just run. Eventually though, you have to fight. It feels like the (second) worst day of your life again. But you manage to get free of the grasping gloom and stand and fight, as wild and desperate as it is. Beneath the manifestation of your worst fears, there’s another thing to fight, but this time it has a face (a voice in the back of your head says…you know this isn’t all on you and your failure…it’s really Ganon’s fault right?). You get through it.
At every turn in your travels, it seems like something reminds you of Zelda. Her passion, her curiosity, her kindness. You miss her.
At first, the tears you find reassure you. She may be in the past, but she’s safe. She’ll come back somehow…but then you hear the word draconification for the first time. You want to believe she wouldn’t do it but you know her and the fear sits cold inside you. (Zelda is a lot of things. She’s been allowed to be more of them, since she was freed from her hundred year battle, without her father holding her back. But deep down inside her, there’s a vein of self-sacrifice that still runs strong. It’s what saved the world before, after all).
She did it. She really did it. She’s gone from you (from Hyrule) forever, and it’s all your fault. If only you hadn’t failed so utterly in the battle (you can hardly even call it that) under the castle. If only you’d caught her. If only you hadn’t let the sword break. You should have protected her you should have been better it’s all your fault and now she has to live with the consequences, forever. Everything really is on you, you should have been better.
(Zelda POV: you couldn’t call upon Hylia’s power in time, you were too content to let it wither and fade away from you, ready to be free of it. You shouldn’t have. He got hurt, the sword got hurt, it’s your fault…Sonia and Rauru help you channel it again, Sonia helps you learn how to turn back time…but you don’t save her. She dies because you couldn’t save her. Rauru dies not long after. There is no one left to guide you, once again. You could spend years trying to figure it out on your own. But you did that last time. It didn’t work. Self-sacrifice, stepping in front of someone you love, that worked. (You do what you can, to call upon the sages, to help Link in the future, first). And then you swallow the stone. You’ve come a long way, in the past five years, allowing yourself to exist. But in the end, self-sacrifice worked last time. It’ll work this time too.)
You (Link) go down beneath the castle. You were supposed to bring the sages but you didn’t. It’s nice, for someone to have your back. But no one else should get hurt to fix your mistakes.
They follow you anyway. They fight with you, against the hordes, against the greatest enemies you defeated together, along the way. They’ll have your back, even if you don’t think you deserve it.
You fight Ganondorf, and then the demon king, in the hardest battle of your life. You think it’s over and then the demon king decides it’s better to lose himself completely than let you win. You’re exhausted and afraid of yet another battle, but up there in the sky, when you’re falling, the Light Dragon catches you (you wonder why she changed her path to catch you, you wonder if there’s still something of Zelda left in there to save). With her help, you win.
And then you’re in some other realm. The spirits of Sonia and Rauru are there. You remember how the two of them and Zelda channeled such incredible power together. You think about Recall. Turning something back to the memory of what it was before, like Sonia said. You stand with them and you allow yourself to hope. Maybe the Light Dragon can remember the form she took so long ago, the person that she was.
And then you’re falling, and Zelda is falling, but this time you catch her. You catch her. She’s back home with you, finally, finally.
And maybe, one mistake doesn’t have to be the end of the world. You don’t have to be perfect. Sometimes, someone else can stand with you, and it’ll all turn out alright. (You can put the weight of the world on your shoulders, you can sacrifice yourself, but someone will be there to catch you, someone will be there to pull you back to yourself, when all is said and done).
#loz#tears of the kingdom#Link#Zelda#I will say also that I think part of the reason totk is special to me is very personal#like when it came out I was still struggling with the worst burnout of my life#I had had a few months of exhaustion between January and March and in May that exhaustion was still sticking to me#it was hard to get out of bed hard to do anything I felt so tired that I almost felt sick but I wasn’t sick#and the thing is Zelda games are my biggest special interest#and having a new one to play like genuinely I’m not joking it gave me bsck so much energy#I was doing really badly but when totk came out I played it for an entire weekend straight basically#and like my mom came to visit me and help me out with basic life stuff#and like sit with me while I played just like enjoying being together#and that was really nice#over that summer and the fall after I started getting to know someone I work with better#largely over conversations about totk at first#and they’ve become a good friend#(and become someone that I feel safe to be fully myself around)#and so I just have this really strong personal connection to totk#like I will not claim to be impartial about it#there are definitely criticisms that I can acknowledge#in particular I don’t like that they un-amputeed Link let Link be disabled#and also ganondorf’s characterization was shallow and one dimensional#and I’m sure there’s other things I could think of#but the overall narrative#including Zelda becoming the light dragon and then turning back in the end#I really like that#it felt like a narrative of healing to me#and playing it at the time that I did felt really healing to me too
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girl help my mother has achieved what she couldnt achieve in 23 yrs (give me an ED)
#thanks to the doctor making me go to the nurse this summer and putting me on a 'diet'#WHEN THE NURSE HERSELF SAID I SHOULDNT BE TOO CONCERNED ABT MY WEIGHT bc im young and i shouldnt worry about this#and now my mom wont. stop. making. comments. on what i eat and the excercise i dont do#and the way i eat and when i eat#and its finally eaten at my brain. and now i think about it constantly#and i wanna make it stop bc i cant fucking believe that i didnt listen to her at all when i was at my most vulnerable (a teenager)#but her words have had their effect when i am/should be more ok w myself (not a teenager anymore)#like genuinely how do i stop making myself feel like this and think about this all the time i feel disgusting. i dont enjoy eating anymore#bc im constantly thinking about /not/ eating. or how i shouldnt be eating. or that i shouldnt be hungry#z xarre#AAAAAAANNDDDD i have to go to the n*rse next month to get weighed. and i already know that ill have gained weight. bc at the dorms#i cant like. follow the diet they gave me or whatever. and i eat more and im also hungrier. its so hard to think of eating#as something enjoyable now. literally wanna kms ive never been like this. we've always enjoyed food in my family#bc its the main way we connect and i can connect w my family and my ancestors and my culture.#and i dont wanna stop enjoying food. but the nurse and doctor AND MY MOTHER are making this so hard.#ed mention#weight mention
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🍪🥛
#out of sight out of mind....#im not gonna check his blogs every day from here on out#and i hid/archived our chat so i dont have to see it when i open the messaging app#i do have some kind of 'fomo' lol bc i dont wanna miss out on any potential glimpse into his mind or days#esp now when he doesnt tell me anything anymore. idk anything abt what goes on with him#but .. i am allowing and letting him control my life#i obsessively check my phone and refresh his blogs ALL day#it's extremely unhealthy and pathetic and i know this#it's just hard to stop bc i genuinely... love him sm#plus he told me he wanted me for real so he made me not only dream of a life i thought wasnt possible for me#but also WANT it. i only want him and to live with him and be his. that's all i want but he just cut me off out of nowhere lol#and im still hung up on it... i dont want my boring reality. current nor future. i just want the reality where im with him which he made me#think was smth i could have one day soon.#but anyway. if his feelings changed that's how it is. it's not even his fault it's just how things work in life#even if i dont want to accept it i have to. i cant keep living in this limbo. i try to talk to him but he's a wall so that's a No.#so i cant let him control my life and waste away all my days on him#i need to stop checking his blogs and our chat. that's the first step#im still gonna allow myself to think of him and daydream and fantasize. but that will have to stop soon too#then i have to focus on doing my assignments and read books and go to the gym#things that will help me get realistically where i want in my current reality#i want to finish highschool and then apply for a preschool or library program#and hopefully the plan is to get a student housing apartment so i can move out finally and live on my own and study#then when i finish i'll look for a job as either of those things. and a place to live (which is super fkn hard in these modern chaos times)#even if i have to live my life all alone... i want to be as comfortable as i can at least#i can live in my own row house and have pets and work and read and play games and watch shows#and see and talk to my mom#i mean hopefullyyyy i'll be able to try to make at least some shallow connections so i have ppl to hang out with#i can always hope to meet someone who'll fall in love with me but im not counting on it#ugh.. bc as it is now#i dont do ANYTHING but be on my phone
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huh.
#eli.txt#idk i think ive been slowly forgiving my sister for how deeply hurt i felt when she moved out bc now I Get It. like I Get It#when she moved out i was. 9. and in my head i thought she had left because of me. because i wasnt the easiest kid in the world and i know-#-she had a hard time dealing with me when we were alone. we're so far apart in age we couldnt connect for most of my life. and in my head#that was the reason she left home. bc of me. bc she was tired of *me.*#i know now thats not true. and i understand now why she had to leave because if she felt the way im feeling then goddamn im glad she got ou#this feeling SUCKS. nd like#yeah this probably has to do with my father's daughter and the fact that she refused to even meet me until our dad died.#it took my dad dying for my sister to even be in the same room as me. that really messed with me as a kid. like it REALLY did.#so when my sister left home i just kinda went. oh okay neither of my sisters want anything to do with me! i will be alone forever! got it!#AND I KNOW NOW THATS NOT TRUE ON EITHER OF THEIR ENDS. I DONT HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP W MY DADS DAUGHTER AND I PROBABLY NEVER WILL#BUT I DONT HOLD ANYTHING AGAINST HER ANYMORE BC GOD HER MOTHER WAS AWFUL AND I GET WHY SHE DIDNT WANT TO MEET ME BC OF EVERYTHING#BUT LIKE. THAT MESSED ME UP AND I JUST STRAIGHT UP ASSUMED BOTH MY SISTERS HATED ME FOR SO LONG.#AND NOW THAT I ALSO FEEL LIKE I NEED TO LEAVE I CAN SEE SO CLEARLY. MY SISTER NEVER HATED ME I WAS NEVER THE REASON SHE LEFT.#I CAN LET GO OF HOW HURT I FELT BECAUSE I ALSO NEED TO LEAVE#god i dont wanna hurt my mom though.#dont think i could leave her completely alone in this apartment. i dont think i can do that.#anyway. hi tumblr did you like todays oversharing episode
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ohhhh thinking about the parallels between odin/maya and frost/marlow/valerie rn
#the way it all comes down to the need to be in control#like theres more nuance to it than that and there are multiple factors in each dynamic but maya and valerie were both isolated#and their respective toxic relationships w their families were allowed to fester and break them bc of that isolation#man. always imagined that valerie was closer to cheri but maybe she should connect more with maya#maya and cheri are sorta aware of the situation? but they dont know just how bad it is and unfortunately theres not a lot they can do#without marlow denying them access to valerie at all the way he did to felicity and aisling#i think maya would try to talk to him gently without oversharing but he’d probably be quick to shut it down#and even if he did know mayas backstory hed be like ‘’wtf im not like that guy at all!! that guy got aggressive with his kid i dont do that’#which is also what he does with frost. ‘’no ofc im not like my mom. my mom didnt give a fuck about me. i care so much about valerie!!’’#tfw you try so hard not to be like your abuser that you end up being toxic in the opposite way#echoed voice#tbh very curious to know how marlow will be recieved#assuming he’ll either be hated or all his worse actions will be shrugged off as ‘’oh its ok hes dad of the year anyways’’#maybe both w no inbetween whatsoever#personally i like him. hes my personal little trainwreck. he fascinates me. i want to put him in a tube and study him#he needs therapy sooo bad but unfortunately hes way too proud for it#also in his own way sakura does want marlow to stop self isolating w valerie#like hes not as clear about it as like cheri would be. i think hes mostly motivated by their rivalry. he wants marlow to better himself#and be a more worthy rival for him basically which is why hes constantly rubbing souvenirs in his face#sakura likes valerie but i think he kinda like. disregards her compared to her brother. he hasnt really picked up on whats going on based on#their interactions. but hmmmm…: perhaps now that hes staying in serenade for an extended amount of time….?
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From Daigo considering Kiryu a father figure and the substory with him in Y0 I assume Kiryu was there a lot to tell him not to be a little shit. Yayoi and Daigo do not have the closest relationship during his 30-year old rebellious teen phase, but I got the impression it wasn't always like that. The fact that 12-year old Daigo was hanging around Kamurocho with older kids does imply Yayoi wasn't keeping a close eye on him but I get the impression that what parenting she did do would have been vaguely in the right direction.
yeah yeah that's what i was referring to in me last ask: the fact that, through daigo's y0 substory, you learn that kiryu's pretty much been one of the only really consistent people in his life to hang out with him
when it comes to yayoi and her parenting though, she readily admits she priorities the clan over daigo's feelings and needs (not just when he's an adult, but admits that ever since he was a kid she and sohei have always chosen the clan over him). at the very least, she's incredibly self aware of how lacking she is as a mother, and so at the same time is remorseful about her inability to connect with nor help daigo when he needs it
all of that said, it's hard to gauge what her parenting skills are actually like. sure, daigo turned out to be a respectable man, but again kiryu- whether you like/hate him or question his capabilities as a father- had a key, significant role in daigo's upbringing and is undoubtedly the main influence on his personality and manners. considering how willing daigo was to bend to kiryu's word as a kid, it wouldn't be hard to assume that if yayoi was as hard on him as she is when he's an adult, he might not have had that rambunctious phase nor attitude. the most i can conclude about her parenting is that she's wholly neglectful (and outright abusive when it came to telling daigo she would be taking the role of acting chairman) due to her prioritization towards duty
#snap chats#if we also want to consider the fact yayoi is virtually unheard of after y2 then she and daigo really arent all that close#like i firmly believe yayoi just doesnt know how to parent#i mean this in The Nicest Way Possible My Queen but she probably operates like my mom does#seeing her family more as a business opposed as A Family#thats not to say she doesnt love daigo but she'll always put the clan over him and wont try to connect with him if he cant be there for it#i don't think she acts this way without remorse though but having to be The Wife Of A Yakuza she isnt given the luxury of motherhood#especially when she's daigo's only parent now but is still the ultimate successor to the tojo#she really cant offer an ounce of weakness so she has to be even stricter#so when she was given those chances to be a parent.. idk. its pretty hard to say because i /cant/ imagine her getting those chances#or even really wanting those chances and just putting the responsibility onto someone else like kiryu#i can only really imagine her just asking for a 'report' from daigo- like how are his grades and if everythings ok#but beyond that not really doing anything to ensure those things are truthful#idk maybe half of this ramble is just projection so take it however you like im just a dude on the internet with mommy issues ╮(╯-╰)╭
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...
#there should be a word for when youre talking around the tightness of tears#speaking against something that hurts#laughing specifically to undermine the seriousness of the statements youre voicing#the worst of both worlds. help me help me hahaha im not even joking hahaha but listen to the lies in my tone. dont focus on the words.#i want plausible deniability. but also i want u to understand my pain and give it a voice. speak it into existence because i cant say it#but if u do i might cry. that sounds hard that sounds like a lot. i kno i know. shut up. keep talking. do u think i dont feel it? i do#but if i split myself in two i can watch myself and suddenly it becomes funny. im not sure why. but i have a bad habbit of laughting at#inappropriate moments. because if its not funny then its just sad and what am i supposed to do with that?#i dunno. thats all to say my dad called bc i was looking at housing stuff and i was explaining some of the stuff im doing rn#and thats hard to talk abt without crying bc ive always been a cry bby but i didnt. and i love my parents theyre great#but they dont understand bc i havent told them all of it bc theres nothing they can do so y make them worry. and idk i also think they#think im less competent than i am. and part of that is just bc im their kid. part of that is bc there r things thst most ppl can do but i#struggle with. but its also not fun to hear: oh yeah i was surprised by how professional u sounded. or i think ur mom found u those#connections. when no. i did that. i made those things happen. i promise i can do things sometimes. but sometimes i cant. i dunno its just#it is what it is. whatever. decisions to b made. do i room with roommates for lower rent#or do i take an expensive place for a year for a single room? i dont want roommates but ill take them#i mean all the single places r like 950 at the very lowest without any utilities or anything but most r well over 1000 and like on a grad#student salary? i think not. not without losing money on net. i can deal with roommates. i have in the past. i wont b able to relax ever#but its fine. ya kno#just annoying. hah my dads sage advice was ah dont let it overwhelm u. go exercise. bc hes an endurance runner guy#and im like bro when i get home i have 1.5 hrs of daylight. but alas hes right. i do gotta run out my angers and its not enough#ugh. one more week. itll work out. and eventually ill walk into a counselors office like bro i just want u to tell me whether or not i have#0cd bc whatever the fuck it is that makes me do these things is absolutely destroying me. name the beast 0cd or 0cpd. tell me what box#i fit into. not that it matters but i feel like i cant complain until someone else rubber stamps me. actually then ill probably just obsess#abt how. actually. theyre wrong. ay fun times#i gotta shake shake shake my sillies out. and wiggle my waggles away. bc i never could let my kids songs go haha#unrelated
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blind (2022) is driving me insane. im begging my friends to watch it but theyre either busy with exams or almost exclusively fluff/romance-watchers . i need to talk ab this w someone just hit me up or something GOD
#kdrama blind (2022)#blind 2022 spoilers#tvn ocn blind (2022)#so my theory is the same as other peoples' its confirmed that 13 yoonjae is sungjoon so im thinking sunghoon was there too (somehow idk) an#that hes 11 and jung inseong the juror is 12. 11 and 12 seem to be real brothers? bc in ep1 11 said 'go meet mom' and not 'go meet your mom#and maybe 11 and 13 escaped together after hiding under the floorboards? since sj Was adopted maybe he was taken in when the parents found#sh after they escaped together? and the thing is everyone is involved somehow so if the mother was like in a high position at the center (i#i didnt the lady at the start of ep7 for someone else) then how was sunghoon there? idk i havent gotten that far on my theory except that#hes 11. maybe they were Both adopted? so the next to die is either the lady idr her name or the producer guy. 24 + 7 r confirmed dead now#13 is sungjoon. and inseong is def connected to this somehow like the rest of the jury. ergo my theory that hes 12. also i think the body#they found w ahn taeho's phone in ep8 is jung yoonjung's (yoonjae's older sister) bc of the necklace and the size of the skeleton. so now#they've found one body from the events of 20 years ago that happened at the center. all the jurors' kids will be killed as revenge for the#parents turning a blind eye on them as kids so theyre being punished by having their beloved children taken away from them. i think its#amazing how theyre all connected they dont know it at all. choi soongil was the only one who recognized ahn taeho (bc of the scar) and#yeom hyejin didnt know her father was sending kids to be abused and enslaved. kang youngki saw kids in numbered uniforms doing hard labor#never said a word bc keeping it a secret earned him money that he spent on his own kid who wouldve been around the same age as them.#from ep8 we see that the producer made a docu on the center and just buried it. and ofc mr baek who was the ringleader of all this.#his daughter killed on her birthday and kang youngki's daughter killed on her wedding day as retribution. im sad that ahn taeho died living#a life of guilt and fear moving around all the time but at least hes free from that now. im glad he got to apologize to 'yoonjae' for it#honestly i cant be mad at ahn taeho bc he was a survivor and a child and terrified. also is it just me or did sunghoon look disappointed#when ahn taeho confessed? like thats all the evidence i have supporting my theory that hes 11 i think. ofc theres the vibes? that he and#sungjoon have more history than the shows let on so far but if he was 11 he would be so disappointed bc he planned their escape#anyway come talk to me about this its driving me crazy
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is being boy crazy genetic
#i think it is i think i inherited it from my mom. some of the stories she tells me im like girl what. i would do that tho#comes into your establishment to distract your employees and give them a little pink heart sticker....#at my job im a supervisor i would be so annoyed if that was happening on my floor I'd be like ok gay boy get out of here#listen. he was making customer connections (im the customer)#he was talking abt smth work related and he was like 'well i like to play hard to get haha' i Know#i am physically incapable of playing hard to get. despite my best efforts i am always playing it 'obviously im rlly rlly into you'#he put the sticker on his name tag... <3
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my fave thing abt job hiring in my town is that they hire based on connections rather than someone who actually needs or wants the work so they hire friends only or friends of friends and then the job opens up again within a couple of weeks because those people don’t actually do anything but the hiring staff just keeps repeating the cycle ????? like lmao it’s so laughable
#and fucking annoying bc it means the only ppl getting jobs are white brits 😭#the only time poc or not brits get jobs it’s if they have connections TO the Brits#and it’s hard bc they hate us all ???#it’s so crazy I wish we didn’t live in this town but I know it was the only place available when we were homeless and the council HAD to#give us smth bc my brother was a minor at the time. Otherwise we wld still be homeless lol#but it rly doesn’t get much better for us (any of us tbh not just my family)#sorry to vent abt it it just makes me so sad :///#all the ppl who aren’t british and/or white here work in warehouses and are consistently sick and in and out of hospitals#but the white brits make bank working from home or not working or sitting at desks or doing minimal work in retail#(I’ve seen it btw like grocery stores they just stand there and don’t do anything ??????)#this is exclusive to my town btw idk about outside of it but yeah#still thinking abt the british neighbours across the street who used to laugh in my moms face when she’d have to work during the pandemic bc#she’s an essential worker :/ and a rly huge one like she inspects poultry so that it doesn’t go to countrywide retailers when it’s sick so#that ppl can eat safe things and stay healthy#so it’s ridiculous that these same ppl laugh at her bc no offense but without her and her tiny team of romanian inspectors y’all would have#nothing to eat. so 🤨#aweks.txt
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Recently every conversation with my mom has left me feeling like a child again
#y'know when you were little and your parents were upset but you wanted to tell them something you cared about and they got angry at you for#being happy and wanting to share it with them#that's been how every conversation with my mom has ended for the last two days#i just empty and emotional but I can't do anything about it cause I'm too small and young to help her#i just have to keep being around her and try to make her feel better#it's hard. it's really hard. i miss my dad#i know she's struggling but she doesn't have to act like that to me#and we had been doing so well before my brother came home and now that he's back at school it's like we have to learn to live together all#over again and I don't want to#i just want to lay in bed and cry#i feel like how I felt in middle school when I would lock myself in the bathroom to cry bc my bedroom door didn't have a lock and my family#would just walk in whenever they wanted to do I cried in the bathroom and it was always while I was crying I could hear my whole family#making fun of me for crying in the bathroom and making jokes about how I was crying again and being dramatic and stupid and it kind of#forever tainted my connection with my own emotions and being brushed off by my mom brings me back to that exact feeling#i wanna lock myself in the bathroom and cry so hard I can't breathe while listening to my parents make fun of me for crying#I'm just having a rough day and I'm stressed and sad and it's the first showing of the play tonight and I'm terrified I'm gonna fuck up#and I just want to have a good day but it's all been sucky so far#i hate it#i wake up happy and then I go to start my day and I talk to my mom and then it's like all motivation is drained from me and I want to just#get back into bed again#:((((
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Mistake #1: Not sleeping last night as an attempt to reset my schedule
Mistake #2: Watching the PBS show Craft in America and now I miss my mom so desperately it's hard to express.
#I need to get back to creating like I mentally and emotionally need it#but it's so connected to my mom and it's so hard to do it knowing I can't show the work to her#no one will ever be as interested in what I was doing or as supportive of it as she was#also I made the mistake of looking for camping near Staunton VA (a pretty cheap train ride from my city)#so now I'm also thinking about the trips she and I made there#someone please It's a Wonderful Life-me#only I'll go 'phew thanks glad I don't have to exist anymore but no one has a me-shaped hole in their life'
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indian people are so funny we have ceremonies for the most random things
#looking at pictures of an event for my younger cousin#it looks so elaborate and honestly exhausting#im glad my mom knows me well enough to not force me to do some of these things#ramblings#idk maybe id feel different if i was actually indian in india#it’s hard to feel connected to all that stuff for me#although this cousin is also american so idk#:/
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its easy to blame mental problems on yourself but the good thing is! it only takes one sentence for my mom to blow up and show me where i got it all =w=b
#its awesome that were all so closely connected by our anger issues <33#obvs not saying its her fault at all. very much not!!!!#but it does always. remind me.#i have a good home life. were all fine. and being a mum must be EXHAUSTING and something that i will never understand.#but its.#i dont know.#sillyposting#its difficult.#i was trying to explain why her saying “ohh did you eat a lot today” to my brother might sound accusatory and bothering. (in more context)#but its IMMEDIATELY taken as my trying to be nosy and butting in. not even one sentence i get to explain.#which. fair. it shouldnt be my business. but were having dinner. were all here. my brother is UPSET aswell (same anger issues <33) so.#i try to calm us all down. but ofcourse its not taken like that.#she always takes it like were all against her.#and to some extend thats right.#me and my brother and my dad often talk over dinner about tech stuff because we all like it.#and often in the middle of it she butts in with “okay enough debate.” while we are. just talking.#albeit indeed passionately.... it still is just a conversation over dinner.#there is my youngest brother but he is very much walking the same path as my other brother and i.#and it must be incredibly isolating to be alone in your own home. to feel so left out.#i do feel bad. it is not her fault. but again.... it explains a lot.#i do wonder how much little me has been affected by it. could things have been different??#i dont want to admit that her worst fear is true but.#i shouldnt say. its not nice.#i wont.#my mom is good. she tries really hard. it very much could have been worse.
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i wanna believe my life will be ok one day
#the bin#things have changed a lot over the last few years but not for the better really#i just feel even more distant and unable to connect with other people than i used to#i wasnt able to develop social skills and now im an adult stuck trying to figure things out#i wanna think things will get better but i have a lot of doubts :(#i guess there have veen some good things that havw changed. ill be moving back in with family but in a new place than before#and i wont have to deal with my horriblw dad now that he died so that really good#my relationship with my 1 sister crumbling into garbage feels like a bad thing but the relationship was always bad#and i always felt like it was bad. i just couldnt escape because i didnt have anyone else so i was trapped#but im out now. it mwans that im even more alone but it also means im free of her horrible everything#i had a lot of fear about talking to people previously and it had to do with her but i think now maybe ill have an easier time#i wanna believe thats true. i wanna think maybe this change will be enough to push me into making feiends somwhow#i hate feeling the way i do. loneliness is physically painful. i hate that i dont have anyone i can go to anywhere in the world#i like my other siblings. theyre nice. but its different. at least i can complain to my other older sister and mom mom abt stuff#hhh. one day tho ill meet friends and be ok. its hard to meet people. i dont know where to go. but onw day i will!!!#i hope its soon and not in another several years but yknow. ill wait. at least now i have something that makes me feel less awful#i find it surprising im even still alive after almost 9 years of this. i was 10 when i lost all my friends and im about to turn 19#but ill figure it out. at least i have weed now. maybe i get high too often and rely on it too much but its either that or feel suicidal#100% of the time. i mych prefer getting high to that.#it feels bad when i look atound and literally everyone else i know has lots of close friends. they make them so easily#and then im here and i cant even make 1 not close friend. but ill figure it out!!!!!
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