#but i also remembered i have a HUGE fear of reinforcing bad speaking mistakes i might be making | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rigelmejo · 3 years

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thank u @meichenxi for ur absolutely gorgeous amazing in depth shadowing answer when i asked.

u can ignore the rest of this post its just gonna be me ranting ToT.

i tried the most tiny form of shadowing and. i think i should try doing it more ;-;. I tried doing what you said - listening to the stress in the sentence, chunking how i say it back if i can’t say the whole sentence (like saying the last phrase, getting that right, then trying to say the last 2 phrases in the sentence, etc). And I realized how BAD i am at doing that beyond literally 1 word chunks or short 2 word chunks like 你知道. Obviously plenty of phrases which are just 4-6 hanzi, but i would mess up with even just those! I could read it, and I could read a sentence aloud one word at a time. But I could not shadow without a ton of errors when I tried repeating lol.

I also took your advice (or maybe the konglongmandarin advice? or both?? i can’t remember who said to do this) of trying to shadow without looking at the text. While i looked at it the first time to read over the sentence, when i actually tried to shadow i just focused on what i HEARD and repeating it AS IT SOUNDS (not as the pinyin look, not looking at the words so i know the tone). just literally listening, then only using the audio to practice saying it out loud myself. and that takes WAY MORE ACTIVE LISTENING SKILLS then i apparently have lol! I could only do this again with 1-2 word chunks! Anything longer and my brain would forget what tones it heard, forget some of the words, and my mouth would forget to say ‘xie’ right even though i would have JUST saw the character and just heard it correctly and i CAN pronounce it... but on the spot, with no aid but ‘hear the sound, now replicate it’ i just kept messing it up! Lol!

I am sure trying to shadow more will improve my actual listening ability, because i had to focus so MUCH on listening in order to shadow. I had to focus even more then in a show or listening to an audiobook - because i had to do more than just recognize words, i had to say them myself and attempt to say them correctly. so... i will definitely be working up to bigger phrases and sentences, since literally this is so difficult lol ToT (the suggestion to phrase chunk and try first just one, then build up to a full sentence, if u can’t remember or do the whole thing, is helpful - also i think its what Pimsleur kind of does).

I was listening so much harder because i was not looking at the text, and since i was focusing so much on replicating HOW it sounded i didn’t have time to think ‘ok what is this word, what is its pinyin, what is its tone, what tone changes do i do if it’s 3 3rd tone hanzi in a row’... whereas when im speaking to someone, or myself, i can think all of that first (tho it slows down my speech). but since shadowing the point is to replicate and learn from imitating correct pronunciations (instead of seeing pronunciations on paper), it required a lot more active listening. and i think its probably very good training for speaking skills, speaking ease, and again active listening. maybe also for ingraining tones in words and phrases... i know the tones with words, but i constantly CONSTANTLY have to think about it when i’m speaking like ‘did i say the right one? did i change it when i was supposed to? if i say this phrase what part do i change?’ and even if i know what i’m talking about and know the words i just slow down a lot. so maybe more shadowing will help make more of this a bit more instinctive?

anyway. super hard lol.

i tried with some sentences in Chinese Spoonfed Audio files i have, just because its simple learner material, and already has a built in pause to repeat. And i still fumbled brutally over my words lol! doing this from a show sounds even horrifically harder! So... catch me trying to do it eventually, sometime much sooner than i feel ready for it!

I remember i used to do it just months into learning chinese, but it was just for simple stuff since those were easy words to pick up: 该死，你知道吗没事吧，你怎么了，你放心，别担心，明白了吗？，好名字，他死了，没问题，我没事，太好了，行了，行不行，是不是，还有，我喜欢你，什么东西，天的，漂亮 etc. After stuff got more complicated i basically stopped trying to repeat after shows, i felt i made so many tone mistakes etc constantly i decided it was too hard and i might be reinforcing bad habits if i don’t look at pinyin with tones marked ToT (when i say ‘do shadowing’ i do not mean recording myself or doing anything nearly as impressive and structured as you described lol ToT i mean literally just repeating the character whenever they said something i could say easily after - and those kinds of phrases above i heard enough to do that and were short enough to).

while i think yeah that stunted my speaking a lot? i also am not sure if the judgement call i made was kind of solid to be fair. i was very confused by tones until about a year in when i had a language exchange partner for a while - i had been pronouncing 3rd tone like the 2nd tone, had been rising my 3rd tone too often, and was told basically GO LOWER - LOWEERRRRRR. Until i finally grasped ‘ok 3rd tone is more like just the LOW’ tone. and if you pronounce it fully like in an elongated wo... wo bu zhidao, then yeah you will hear it dip then go up. And if its before another 3rd tone its a 2nd tone. but if you just hear it, you’re generally hearing ‘low’ without really much rise, and starting lower than the 4th tone drop (so the drop in 3rd tone isn’t as clear). And until someone TOLD ME 3rd tone was so low i just had no idea, i could NOT even hear it right. And that’s why i still have some fears about shadowing... if i do NOT know a language feature? I have a decent chance of literally being UNABLE to hear it. Unable to hear it correctly, unable to notice it. For me i literally could NOT tell how my 3rd tone sounded wrong. I had to be told to notice ‘THIS IS HOW LOW IT GOES’ and ‘GO LOWER’ constantly until i got it. With 1st tone, i kept accidentally doing 2nd tone because i could NOT hear that i was raising my voice at the end. It took someone repeatedly telling me its not so much ‘high’ as it is ‘completely level’. 1st tone u do not raise or lower ur pitch! i did not even hear myself doing it until i got called out and constantly tried to consciously notice if i was keeping it the same exact level or not.

And now i get the same issues with ‘c’ and ‘sh’ and ‘b’ and ‘q’ noise in chinese... i use the app 普通话学习 to practice pronunciation (it grades you). And no matter what i can RARELY hear how i do ‘c’ and ‘sh’ and ‘b’ wrong. I have listened to examples, i’ve repeated them, i’ve read different books way of describing the sounds. In the app i try to repeat the hanzi that start with those over and over, and whether i get ‘perfect’ or ‘wtf did you say’ is literally luck. i cannot tell at all how i am mistakenly pronouncing them, when i say them wrong. i can’t hear my mistake at all, i can’t hear any difference between my pronunciation and the examples. (Same with ‘eng’ and ‘en’ endings... but i think i might.. maybe hear a difference in my pronunciation to theirs... still though i have no idea).

So a big reason i didn’t shadow much, ESPECIALLY trying to shadow without pinyin to look at and DOUBLE check i know the correct tone etc, is because i worry i will keep reinforcing bad pronunciation i can’t even HEAR in my own voice. I will go ‘ok yes finally! i imitated the audio right!’ and then not realize i fucked up 4 things i just cannot hear properly. I just cannot tell i’m even doing wrong. I worry about that significantly less now, since i generally always get my tones right if i know them... so i’m guessing i have a solid enough sense of how they’re supposed to ‘correctly’ sound now that if i hear them in audio without text, i will have enough in my brain to instinctively recognize its a part of the sound that exists and replicate it as i’m hearing it. (though i am still constantly afraid i’ll hear a tone wrong, replicate wrong, and not even fucking notice i’m making a mistake). Now most of the fear is just with those couple initials and finals i just... fuck up half the time and CANNOT hear why they’re wrong. i can’t hear the difference at all. but i’ve been consistently messing them up for like 4 months now so... if i haven’t improved them in this long, i might as well still do some practice like with shadowing. i’ve been using that pronunciation app, and even with all of it doing its best to tell me ‘it sounds WRONG’ i can’t tell. so i could call using that app ‘reinforcing bad habits’ at that point just as much as shadowing, maybe. i get the sounds right half the time, wrong all the time, cannot hear the difference. so i don’t think shadowing is gonna hurt me much more than i’m already hurting myself here... since its pretty clear unless i get someone to explain, i’m unable to fix these bits.

anyway that is the tldr for why i didn’t shadow much at all. and maybe... maybe my tones are decent enough now... i might try a bit more. although when i tried yesterday, i was literally so afraid i fucked up the tones that i went to look up the sentences to double check i hadn’t. and i still could not ‘name’ the tones i was saying as i repeated them in shadowing. i was too busy speaking, i had no idea IF i was doing tones or WHICH ones i was just focusing EVERYTHING on trying to remember the sounds i heard and repeat. not the meaning, not the words specifically, not the tones lol. yes i am a mess lol ToT

#rant #april #april progress #shadowing #yes just me going ??? under the cut #anyway shadowing hard and id LOVE to do it more #but i also remembered i have a HUGE fear of reinforcing bad speaking mistakes i might be making #because i know in chinese especially #(but even in french this was an issue! i just find pronucniation errors in chinese cost much MORE in understanding #versus french where with a rough accent i still felt decently understood)#like when i read i look up audio of pronunciation but it doesnt require me to #say it aloud and fuck up my habits

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shadowturtlesstuff · 3 years

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No secrets...

here is my how you get the girl cressworth. its kinda sad, i wanted to do happy but i cant apparently. the end is happy and i really want to do a part 2 in cresswells pov

The cold buries itself inside me, finding its way past my bones and gathering through me till all my thoughts are of the cold. Distracting me from what I am about to do, and I cannot figure out whether that is a good thing or not. I haven't spoken to the insufferable Mr. Thomas Cresswell for over six months, yet I am walking a familiar route to his door. I still haven't pieced together why I feel the need to see him tonight, instead of the morning but even if he shuts the door on me and leaves me to fend for myself against the rain it might calm my racing mind. He would be right to do so, after I walked away first. We were close, getting closer every day. Thomas had told me his feelings plenty of times and I had brushed them off till I started to feel them too. I panicked and then made a mess of everything. We are both poor at expressing our feelings yet I had run from the thought of even trying, and now that I have been away I realized how important he is to me, not only as someone I love but as a friend. I miss his quick wit, his charm and dry humour that uncle doesn't think is appropriate half the time. I miss knowing I will see him and see his own smile at me. Knowing I could melt the cold heart of his with just a small comment is something I was proud of, yet began to fear slightly as it was too easy to see that smile. I had learnt that nothing in life is that easy.

I was wrong. Desperately wrong.

Now I haven't seen that smile in so long and I miss it. I miss the person who shares my humour and lets me face any challenge. I just hope he has missed me half as much as I missed him.

My heels click against the cobblestone, my pace speeding up to match my racing heart. Thomas’s house comes into view as I round a corner and I suck in a sharp breath. Can I really face Thomas again? Tell him that I miss him?

This is a worthless idea, a ridiculous notion that Thomas would want to talk to me now. I should leave now and get out of the rain before I become seriously ill and bed ridden by my father. The rain has drowned my skirts, my hair clings to my face. This was a fool's errand. I turn trying to swallow my embarrassment and resentment towards myself when I hear a door open. Shit. I refuse to turn and see if it’s Thomas’s and hope that it-

“Audrey Rose?”

Shit. of course luck would abandon me to this. I don't know what I expected to find when I turned back but it was not this. Thomas, my devilishly handsome friend, stands in his doorway eyes completely transfixed on me. We stand staring, the only sound surrounding us is the pouring rain and my own heartbeat which has amplified its sound so all of London can hear my fear. My anticipation, love and heartbreak and guilt. Words flood my mind but none surfice what I need to tell him and I open and close my mouth like a gaping fish. I’m sure the rain is helping reinforce me looking like such a fool. My mind repeats what an idiot I am and I begin to turn to save myself from further embarrassment.

“Come inside?” Thomas's voice fills the whole street, it sounds slightly panicked, as though he doesn't know what to say. I don't blame him. I showed up uninvited at his flat and haven't managed to look like a functioning human yet I debate leaving, even if I want to stay, but just as I make a step to leave I hear a broken please.

Once again we stare at each other, there are so many words between us that I consider that there isn't a right one to start with. Perhaps his ‘please’ is an effective start. It certainly captured my attention. The rawness of the plea makes me nod and walk towards him. I want to believe Thomas has missed me, that I meant something, but if that is the case, he should be more mad at me. So why invite me in? Why bother?

“I saw you out the window and,” Thomas begins as I stop in front of him and wait in case he changes his mind, “I thought I was crazy at first but when I realized it truly was you I thought I'd save you, just like old times.”

His tone is bittersweet, I wince because I am the reason it has a bitter-ish undertone laced with a hint of grief.

“Save me?” I look around slightly confused, there is no assailant chasing me, no murderer on my tail as far as I knew so what is he saving me from? My own mind, because in a way he has, or at least might.

“The rain. I know you hate the cold and no one wants to stand in the rain so,” he moves from the door and gestures inside. I look down at my dress, completely full of water and wince again.

“As you might guess, the rain has now used my dress as a sponge so if I enter your flat I will ruin it.” I take a step back, it is coward-ish but I can't ruin anything else for him, even if it is only water damage. It won't be the worst thing I've done to him.

“Wadsworth, just get inside.”

His flat is warm and makes me notice how cold I truly was. Immediately I begin shivering as Thomas gets towels, blankets and anything to warm me up.

We sit across from each other, I'm wrapped in blankets and holding onto a mug of coco for dear life as Thomas sits with one hand on his and the other tapping on his armchair. The silence is not as bad as I expected but it was never awkward silence that Thomas and I shared. Which reminds me of Thomas's previous words.

Just like old times.

Except not like old times at all. I have to say something soon and again there is no right way to start this. Sorry will not suffice or fix it, but it is still necessary. Hopefully it will mean something at least.

“I know this is unexpected and probably unwanted and it has been awhile since we spoke but,” I chance a glance at him and he is staring at his mug with an unreadable expression, I've no idea where I'm going with this speech but if I can get him to at least look at me it will be worth it, “but I've missed you and I've had time to reflect on my mistakes.”

“Wadsworth, I've missed you more than I want to admit. I spent everyday waiting to see if you would come back but now you’re here…”

He trails off, leaving me to guess what he is thinking, which is always difficult, but add my paranoia I can only expect he wants me gone. However, I wait in dreaded silence for him to collect himself and speak his mind.

“You’re here and I've no idea what I want.”

We both consider his words, it seems we are still both atrocious at understanding our feelings.

“I've figured out that I want you in my life in some way, any way, and that I was tired of running, of pretending and hiding. I was afraid, before, of what we were and even if we can never go back to that I- I guess I am not going to conform to my fear anymore.”

“I lost my mind when you were gone. I thought I had somehow pushed too far or interpreted things wrong, perhaps I had, but coming here and saying you missed me doesn't fix everything.”

“I understand the fear, Wadsworth but we were partners, no secrets, remember?”

He finally looks at me and I wish he hadn’t. His dark brown eyes pierce my already fragile heart. “I know.” I whisper, looking at my cup.

Once again I whisper I know. I knew this would only be the start of fixing things and I was grateful he was even letting me try.

“I know, no secrets,” I look at him and brace myself to confess my thoughts, “I am a fool for running, I know that now, but at the time I felt trapped, not because of you but what you represent, in a fashion, change does not come easy, but you made it feel so easy I hadn't realized the change and I had convinced myself long before you nothing was easy or fair. I was the difficult, unfair one, and I will forever be sorry, Cresswell, I would like to make it up to you but I understand if-” I let out a breath and attempt to say, if you don't want me to but I can't. It is selfish but I desperately want to make things right.

“No secrets,” Thomas says, almost to himself as he quickly stands then takes the seat right next to me, taking the coco and setting both mugs down. “You are a little insane Wadsworth,” he says with a hint of a smirk and I let the comment slide just because of that smirk, “We cannot change what has happened or fix it as quickly as we would both like but I've missed you too much to be mad. In the future we should be better at this, both of us. I never told you how petrified I felt either. My adoration of you caught me off guard. I thought I had some disease, much to Dacina’s amusement, and I considered running too but you were, are, intoxicating.” Thomas smiles at me, full of promise that I smile back. He is offering a truce of sorts through his own truth and I can't help but imagine Thomas trying to explain his feelings to his sister.

“No secrets, no running.” I offer back and he nods, taking my hand in his and absentmindedly making shapes as we sit in silence. Just like old times.

Except I ruin it with my shivers. I was so focused on Thomas I forgot I was still damp and cold.

“You know, skin to skin contact is the most efficient way of warming up, I wouldn't want you catching hypothermia when there is a simple solution.” he says, smirking fully and I roll my eyes despite my huge smile. There is the Cresswell I fell in love with.

“Scoundrel.” I remove my hand from his and place it under the blankets and nestle further back.

“I am indeed, but also a gentleman. You’re staying here till it's stopped raining. You can have my bed if you want, or the sofa. I can find some fresh clothes and dry your dress as much as possible.”

Thomas leaves the room too fast for me to formulate a sentence so I sit and mull over what has happened. It will not be like before, we have those elements but mixed with something new. I expected to fear that, but found myself excited instead. Thomas returns with a pile of clothes and sets them by me but i make no move to get them. I have only just gained some warmth and even though sitting in wet-ish clothes will be worse, I can't make myself move.

“Can you sit with me please? For a bit, then you can use your bed. I've imposed too much so the sofa is fine, thank you.” I watched him sit back in his chair and smile slightly. I missed all his little mannerisms, how he immediately sets his arm out ready to tap if he needs to. How his hair flicks down. I decide I much prefer his messy hair than neat. There is a softness to his features now that wasn't there when I first saw him tonight. He also looks tired and I consider that I should have picked a better time. Thomas is too kind to comment on that fact.

“You are not imposing Wadsworth. I will happily sit with you all night if you wish and thank you for coming. Albeit the timing is bad, you could have waited for better weather to prevent any illness but- I'm glad you came. I wanted to see you but I thought I was a coward and didn't want to face you if you didn't want to see me.”

His words hit me like a knife in the gut. We were both afraid, both controlled by our own insecurities that we both nearly never got to this stage. It is laughable at how ironic it was. Thomas and I were both convinced the other would not want to see us.

“You are right, we do need to be better,” I say and he looks over at me, “tomorrow, weather permitted, would you like to go to breakfast with me?”

“I'll make breakfast and if weather permits I'd be delighted to go to lunch with you.” Thomas tries to stifle a yawn and I ignore the tug of uneasiness that is screaming. This is too easy. Instead I lean my head back and revel in it, commit Thomas's adorable yawn to memory and agree to tomorrow's plans.

“You should go to bed Cresswell, we seem to have a long day planned tomorrow and i need to get out of my wet clothes.”

“Do I need to reiterate my method of warmth?” He asks.

“Need I reiterate what a scoundrel you are?”

“Yes, I enjoy your slight blush when you say it.”

“Goodnight Thomas.”

He stands and I watch him stretch slightly, walk so that he is facing me. Then he reaches and presses a kiss to my temple. “Goodnight Audrey Rose.”

The kiss lingers, a phantom touch that stays with me all night. Warms me enough to hold onto the hope that Thomas and I will be okay. Our spark will reignite just as, if not more, intensely than before.

@fangirling-again @kittycat2187 @goatahoan @city-of-fae @the-hoofflepooff @ink-insomnia @purplecreatorhorsewagon @boredbookwormgirl @goddess-of-writing-wars @lovecakeandmore @yikesitsmaddie @loveyatopluto @bookscressworth @androgynousdeputylawyershoe @fandomtakeover @throneoftsc

#sjtr #hpd #efh #ctd #btdp #cressworth #audrey rose wadsworth #thomas cresswell #thomas #audrey rose #wadsworth #cresswell #kerri maniscalco #i have just finished kingdom of the wicked and im making the wise decision to re-read efh and then ctd #how you get the girl

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lisinfleur · 4 years

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T&T - Chapter 11: The Dance of the Tides

Author’s Notes | Everything that has a beginning has an end. Every living thing is fated to die. It’s the natural course of life. Words | 2365 ⁑ Warnings: Mentions of death, blood, some ANGST.

Every light comes from the darkness and without its counterpart, the light would be unable to exist. This was a lesson Ivar had to learn the worst ways possible: from the darkness of his father's death came the light of his dawn as a leader; from the darkness of his worst mistakes, came the knowledge that made him stronger.

From the darkness of Brynjar's end would come the light of his rebirth...

Yet, that was a moment he tried to postpone as much as he could. However, despite all the efforts Atli and the healers of the kingdom placed in keeping the king's life, it seems his heart was only waiting for the serenity of a good heir to succeed his crown so he could finally rest.

The old king's health declined quickly. Iliana was heavy-pregnant yet when the king asked his men of trust to be called and Ivar knew it was time to say goodbye to another of his greatest friends in this lifetime.

One by one, the men closest to the king were called near his bed, receiving gifts of gold from their king and his last words of gratitude and blessings. Not a single one of them left the room without paying their respect to the man their king was seeing as a foster son, someone they knew would be their king from now on.

"Hail King Ivar," something Ivar listened to dozens of times that night.

The last ones to come inside were Atli, Iliana, and Ivar himself.

There was sadness in Atli's eyes: Brynjar had been his king throughout his whole life and he was a boy when his father took him to attend to Brynjar's father's burial. Now, he spent the whole day preparing what Brynjar himself had ordered for his own. It was easier to understand the tears he saw in his father's face when the time came to bury his king. Now it was Atli's time to pass through the same.

"You did nothing wrong, my friend," Brynjar's hoarse voice sounded serene as his eyes landed over Atli.

His words closing even more the young man's throat.

"I could have done better," Atli said, causing the old king to giggle in his bed.

"Boy... What can we do against fate?" Brynjar said, silencing Atli who knew the answer to that question. "When the time comes and the gods call, there is nothing a simple mortal can do against it. The thread ends for each and every one of us. Death comes for each one of us. Everything that lives is fated to die and the time came for me such as it will come for you all one day. Mourn me not, Atli, my friend. For I had a good life, I made my name great, and after my departure, my fame shall speak about me. And if the gods decide I have a place among the Einherjar for the battles I fought in my life, then may my voice speak about your name, my dear friend. And if the golden doors remain closed after my departure, then, may your voices speak about my name someday."

Atli bowed in respect and Brynjar's eyes turned towards Iliana and Ivar. The old man smiled. Brimir, son of his blood, shamed his name and stained his legacy. But Ivar somehow got a place in the old man's heart and there he was: the son Brynjar asked so bad the gods to give him, the good wife he asked Brimir could someday find... The grandson he wouldn't know, unfortunately.

"My wife named my son," he mumbled when Ivar came to sit by his side, holding the old king's hand. "I wasn't here when Brimir was brought into this world: the war claimed my attention the same way it did through a huge time of his life. But I wouldn't name him Brimir... You said you wanted to name your son after me, as a way to bond our lineages..." Brynjar said, trying to clear his throat, make his low voice more audible.

And Ivar nodded along with Iliana who was fighting her tears back into her eyes. The old man was weaker. She knew the time was coming.

"Name him Vali," Brynjar mumbled, smiling. "I know it's a boy. I can feel it when I look at your queen, boy."

"Powerful and strong," Ivar said, recognizing the meaning of that name and smiling back at the old king.

"It was the name I wanted for my son. Then may it be the name of my grandson to come... For you, Ivar, you were the son I asked the gods to have. You became the son of my heart. Take my blessings, my lands, my legacy, boy. And use it to recover what is rightfully yours."

"I will," Ivar mumbled.

Few words in his mouth since his blues were teary. Brynjar was pretty much a friend, but he also figured as a father for Ivar and it was the third time he was saying goodbye to a father figure like that.

First, Ragnar, his blood.

Then, Floki, his teacher.

Now, Brynjar, his friend and hope.

The old man's fingers pressed Ivar's hand in a weak grip Ivar answered with a stronger one. And Brynjar smiled, looking at the younger man in front of him.

"Pour some mead for me. Feast and drink in my honor. But do not mourn me tomorrow, Ivar, my son, my friend. Cause my legacy is safe and I'm happy to leave it in your good hands. I did everything I wanted in this life, I lived everything I wanted to live and built everything I wanted to build. Now, I wanna rest. Now, it's your turn, Ivar. Make your father proud. Both of them."

Ivar nodded, feeling the grip of Brynjar's hand relaxing slowly.

Brynjar took a deep breath, smiling at Ivar one last time.

"Ah, son... There is nothing better than lay your head on your pillows and carry no regret when you close your eyes."

One last sigh and the eyelids of the old king closed itself to never be opened once again. Brynjar relaxed completely and Ivar felt the weight of losing his father one more time clenching the heart inside his chest - the old man was dead, but there was a smile in his face.

Not like Ragnar, Brynjar went to his grave without regrets or resentment, with the tranquil expression of a man who did everything in his life and was certain his legacy was well cared for.

The sea of those lands saw a flaming boat one more time that night and once again as a king, Ivar sat on the throne that was once occupied by his friend and now, belonged to him.

Iliana by his side in the second throne Brynjar had ordered the blacksmiths not long ago. Their hands holding one another, their thoughts far away in time as the feast in Brynjar's honor was being celebrated like the deceased king had desired.

The hall remained opened for a whole moon. Earls from all the earldoms came to reinforce their oaths of loyalty to the crown now in Ivar's head, all of them invited to stay for Ivar wanted to speak to them at the end of that period.

It just served to have the house full when the first sounds of Iliana's labor could be heard from the Hall of the Thrones.

Unlike the few women Ivar had ever heard, Iliana wasn't screaming. Instead, she grunted and growled in such a strong voice that it could be heard outside the king's room through the hall where the Earls were all reunited around the table, waiting for the news about the new heir to be born. Inside the room, Ivar was drinking with Atli by his side - anxiety and fear in the king's trembling hands holding his cup Atli was preventing him from filling too many times.

"Calm down, my friend. Everything happening here is normal, the midwives here are the most competent of our kingdom. Your child and wife are in good hands," Atli tried to calm his friend down.

But Ivar couldn't stop looking at the bed where Iliana was once again curling herself against the rounded belly in another grunt that sent cold shivers down the king's spine.

"What if my child is like me, Atli?" Ivar poured his fear looking into his friend's eyes. "Everybody said mother yelled in pain when she was giving birth to me! They said it took hours from her! Almost a whole day! What if..."

"'What if' is too much of a vague thing to put your thoughts into, my friend. All women yell in pain when bringing life into this world. This is part of their burden such as protecting them is part of ours. Nothing is out of the normal so far, but tell me, my friend, didn't you live your life? Aren't you a man like me, like all the others? Even better, sometimes? Stronger, good-minded... If it is the gods' will that your child will be like you then may it be strong and wise as you are. May it be intelligent and astute like its father! Stop thinking bad things, my friend... Look," Atli pointed as the midwife positioned in the middle of Iliana's legs. "Your child is coming into this world," he mumbled in Ivar's ears, over his shoulder, as the young king was looking at the bed where his wife was making the hugest efforts to put his child out of her belly. "Bless it, Ivar. This is your work in this scene: your child will come to your hands after nine moons into your wife's belly. Don't you want to receive it with clean hands and blessings?"

Ivar's mind was clouded. Iliana's pain was too much for him but at the same time, there was the midwife, announcing his child was already coming.

"I can see the head, my queen, be strong now!"

"It came right," Atli said, bringing some tranquility into Ivar's heart. "The child turned properly. It will be quick now."

"Oh, gods!" Iliana moaned.

And so, Ivar saw when she almost sat at the bed, looking at him. Her face was changed into such a fierce expression, her eyes full of strength when she tensed her body completely, grunting between her teeth as everything on her was focused on a single task.

He could remember himself. His growls in battle, the tension of his muscles, the strength, the pain. That was Iliana's battle. She wasn't a warrior like him but her heart was full of fire like his own and for a moment, Ivar lost himself looking into her eyes, seeing once again all the reasons why he fell in love for that woman so deeply.

Atli's pat in his shoulder woke him up from the trance his thoughts threw him into. His friend was smiling; a strong cry invaded Ivar’s ear.

"It's here, my friend," Atli said, smiling.

And Ivar saw when Iliana fell back on the bed, panting in relief. The midwife coming closer to deliver her the child she brought against her chest, ignoring it was covered in blood and screaming, still connected to her by the umbilical cord the midwife held, calling the king.

"Come, my king. Your son awaits," she said, smiling.

Atli pushed Ivar's back a little, stimulating his friend to move towards his family.

"Go, Ivar. You must separate him from his mother and chant his first blessings."

Ivar was almost slowed, stunned by the sight of a dream happening in front of his eyes. The midwives finished cleaning Iliana, covering her, and Ivar came closer as the others slowly went away, giving him and his new family some space. He took the cord in his hand, feeling as it was yet throbbing with life. His eyes looked at the perfect child slowly ceasing its cry over Iliana's chest as she opened her dress, allowing the newborn to suckle from her breasts full of milk. The cry ceased completely and for a long moment, Ivar observed that scene in front of his eyes.

How many times did he dream about that moment? How many nightmares he had, thinking it would never come?

Iliana's warm hand touched his face, showing his senses it wasn't a dream. She was real, their child - healthy and big - was also no dream. It was happening.

They were waiting for him.

A single tear rolled down Ivar's cheek as he forced the teeth against each other, biting and parting the cord, rolling the remaining to rest over his son's belly. A beautiful boy, big, even burly! Ivar's fingers touched the child slowly, feeling its face, its arm, sliding through its body, touching its perfect legs. Ivar giggled when the boy kicked reflexively, probably feeling tickles from his touch on the sole of his small foot.

Another tear came, stubbornly wetting his face.

Iliana, on the other hand, had her tears rolling freely over her smile.

"Our beautiful Vali is here," she said, remembering the name they had agreed to give their child.

"My child," he mumbled, looking at her. "Our child," Ivar corrected. "My most beautiful dream made flesh and bones. I couldn't be more grateful. I think there is nothing in this world I wanted more than this moment."

Iliana smiled, gently caressing Ivar's nape before he leaned his face to touch her forehead with his, kissing her mouth tenderly.

"You made me complete. You brought my dearest dreams into this world."

"There are many more to come, my love," she smiled.

More children, more dreams, Ivar smiled back.

And after chanting his blessings to his son's ears, he took his time, lying beside them, petting his family as if there weren't more than ten earls outside waiting for his news and words.

The whole world could wait. Ivar had fought his whole life for that moment and nothing would take it from him.

Even because, soon, he would have to leave them both: a new fight was coming.

And this time, Iliana wouldn't be able to be there with him...

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kiatastic · 5 years

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Invisible Signs

"Destiny” was the destination plugged into my GPS... or at least that’s where I thought I was headed. Going at the begging-for-a-ticket speed of 90 miles per hour in the slow lane, I tried to exit my time on the highway a little too early. I slammed on my breaks and pulled into a lot full of empty parking spots. Out of sheer laziness, I swerved into the handicap spot under the assumption that no one would notice I didn’t belong there. I backed into the space and glanced at the bright blue sign through my rear-view mirror. It read “Faithless Drivers Only.” Whoop, there it is. Instead of trusting the path God set before me on the highway without the end in sight, I chose to only follow what I could see - a sign.

I aimlessly drove my car in circles; somewhere between point A and point B with the engine light flashing. I continued to park in handicapped spots that never had my name on them – asking for signs and shut doors when the answers to my prayers were hidden in plain sight on the paged of God’s Word. Though it seemed like the Lord went radio-silent on me, He was shouting the answers through my GPS all along. I wasn’t tuned into God’s Positioning System. The truth is, God could care less about my Bible app streak of 245. Quite frankly, reading the “verse of the day” on the toilet before getting ready for work doesn’t count. I treated reading the Bible like homework instead of heart work. No wonder I couldn’t hear the Navigator’s instructions.

I was callous to the Holy Spirit. Perhaps when I first began my relationship with God, the shallow methods of discerning His voice like quotes from preachers I followed on Instagram were tolerated. But just like a child who matures is expected to do better, the Lord expects the same of my faith. He wasn’t here for my sob story. I believe the route God desired to take me on was tailored specifically for the maturity of my faith. It required me to ignore the alluring alternate routes labeled “Exit ramp” and keep driving.

With a full-force start to my career, I went from being a top 5 graduate of KSU’s school of information systems to accepting employment with one of Fortune’s top 5 companies. I completed master’s level work (for $free.99) with Indiana University, lead data analytics abroad as a resident in Paris, France, and traveled to over 13 countries - all on my company’s dime. Two years later I graduated from the Digital Technology Leadership Program, moved back to Atlanta, GA and found myself at a crossroads. The same company that served the career of a lifetime to me on a sliver platter was now announcing an upcoming layoff of 13,000 employees.

The office grew emptier as weeks went by. Co-workers were curved and dismissed left and right. After dancing with denial for about a month, I decided to start plotting my “Plan B”. I heard about a role in Supply Chain IT role at Chick-Fil-A Corporate from a former colleague and decided to go for it. It was rumored that the average applicant could interview anywhere from three months to over a year. That leaves plenty of time to decide if I wanted to jump ship, right?

Wrong. On the contrary... things escalated quickly. To my surprise, I breezed through my technical exam interview, HR screenings and conversations with Senior IT leadership. Within a few short weeks, I was offered a Business Analyst position on Chick-Fil-A’s Supply Chain Strategy & Design team in Digital Technology. For the first time in a while, I had absolutely no idea what to do. I prayed for the Lord to give me clear direction. There was no indication that I was even close to losing my job. The longer I prayed, the more I heard tumbleweeds rolling by. After several of silence, God only spoke two words to my spirit:

“Be still.”

What exactly am I supposed to do with that? At the time, I was studying Exodus which is a drama-filled truth about how God rescued Israel from slavery under the Egyptian empire. When it was time for them to crossover to the promised land, their enemies showed up on site behind them. In short, the Israelites started freaking out. God told Moses to pass on this command the people:

“Do not be afraid. Stand still, and see the salvation of the LORD, which He will accomplish for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall see again no more forever. The LORD will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.” — Exodus 14:13

‭‭In other words, God said “chill out.” In the midst of playing out every possible scenario that could happen as a result of me leaving my current job or staying, I drove myself crazy. Over the next several days, the words “Be still” were reinforced throughout my day from relevant worship songs on my playlist to the verses I read in personal devotion. God was driving this point home until my soul was resting:

“...Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” - Psalm 46:10

I had seven days to accept or decline my offer. Day six approached and I had not “heard” a yes or no from God. This is where it gets tough. What do you do when you don’t get the answer you’re praying for? Better yet, what do you do when you get no answer at all? You lean into God’s Word and move in faith. We often underestimate our ability to make wise decisions, but we must remember that every child of God has a 24/7 Helper dwelling within him/her. That Helper is the Holy Spirit. The same Holy Spirit who hovered over the face of the waters and took an active role in creating this universe with wisdom (Proverbs 3:19) also lives within you.

I believe the Lord was silent on purpose. When we have clear signs, we really don’t have to trust Him. Faith is built on what cannot be seen. If we can see it, it doesn’t require faith. It is the absence of knowing what lies ahead that requires faith in Jesus Christ. And so, I moved forward in faith and accepted my role at Chick-Fil-A. To date, I’ve had many exciting opportunities like leading a devotion at work, receiving two promotions within my first year, and speaking to the Women in Technology group at the University of Southern California.

I’ve only scratched the surface of hearing from God - and let me be the first to say I have a lot to learn. I’d like to leave you with three thoughts to ponder:

1. Hearing God’s voice is a muscle. The more you work it out, the more capacity you have to hear. John 10:27 says “my sheep know my voice”. If you don’t feel like you ever “hear” from God, tell Him that. He speaks uniquely to each person through His Word, prayer, other people, dreams, music... I could go on and on. All it takes is consistent time in prayer and reading the Word. The more you do, the more familiar you will become with the personality of God and how He speaks uniquely to you.

2. Affirmation is often on the other side of obedience. You may not ever be 100% confident you are making the right decision, but that’s the whole purpose of faith. The day after I accepted my offer, I received a promotion offer from my manager. At first, I felt I made a huge mistake by moving to Chick-Fil-A... but I believe the Lord withheld that promotion opportunity while I made a decision to protect me from being influenced by what I COULD see. Though the promotion offer seemed more appealing at the time, I chose not to retract my acceptance from Chick-Fil-A. Just four months after leaving the company, I received my first promotion. I was promoted again 10 months later. There’s no way I could have ever predicted God’s blessing on my career. I received it after moving on an invisible sign.

3. Believe that God is sovereign. If you honestly, truly believe that all things work together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28), you will realize that includes the bad as well. God’s plan is not contingent on your ability to make perfect decisions. He’s already factored in our imperfections into the journey. He’s just that sovereign. Don’t let fear of making the wrong decision stifle your ability to move in faith.

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. - 2 Timonthy 1:7

God isn’t blowing smoke when He says “Trust Me.” It’s not a suggestion. It’s a command. ‘Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? See how the flowers grow? They don’t labor. If that’s how God clothes grass of the field, will He not much more clothe you - you of little faith? So don’t worry. Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness.’ Align your desires with His. Then, all these things will be given to you. Don’t worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will worry about itself.

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recentanimenews · 5 years

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The Saga of Tanya the Evil: Abyssus Abyssum Invocat

By Carlo Zen and Shinobu Shinotsuki. Released in Japan by Enterbrain. Released in North America by Yen On. Translated by Emily Balistrieri.

The subtitle of this volume is translated as “Hell Follows Hell”, or more colloquially, one mistake leads to more. Tanya learns that here in a book that shows off how imperfect all the sides are. Tanya herself, due to her rabid anti-communist mindset (and the salaryman inside her, who I honestly tend to forget about most of the time) is slow to realize that the not-Russians fighting them are actually fighting for their homes and native land… not for communism. This is huge because it changes the entire way they have to fight the enemy. She also runs into Mary Sue for the first time, and while there’s clearly a much larger fight still to come, it’s a difficult battle that depletes her elite unit of a quarter of its entire force. (That said, rest assured all the characters whose names we can remember survive.) And of course Britain and Russia are having their own issues with lack of manpower, lack of supplies, lack of materials… we’ve reached the attrition stage of the war.

The cover art has Tanya standing at the gravesite of the soldiers who fell in that battle, and it reminds us that just because the title is “Tanya the Evil”, and Tanya frequently does morally reprehensible things, does not means she is 100% black of heart. She cares about her subordinates, mourns them, and has long passed the Tanya of the first book who was merely looking for “meat shields”. Likewise, General Zettour, at the end of the book, as he attempts to coerce/cajole the separatist parts of the Federation to join them, thi8nks that as a good person, he’s appalled, but as a soldier fighting for the Empire, he’s willing to be evil. A person who commits mass murders but feels really bad about the whole thing is still a mass murderer. And, on the other side of the coin, we have Mary, who is bright and shiny and filled with thoughts of revenge and I suspect is so naive that she will be led by the nose whenever she runs into someone manipulative.

Other things to note: as I feared, Loriya is still around, and still a pedophile. It’s not played for laughs as much, but still disturbing. Speaking of which, the soldiers joke at one point about Tanya marrying Visha for her coffee-making skills, and Tanya briefly ponders whether, as a male mind inside the body of a young girl, he would qualify as gay or not, but then promptly decides to not think about it. Which is fine, I won’t either. Tanya is twelve. In fact, the fact that Tanya is twelve comes up an awful lot here: after four volumes of mostly having everyone ignore the fact that she’s so young, we get a bunch of scenes to reinforce it: she can’t interrogate the Federation prisoners as they won’t take her seriously, she can’t get into the celebratory party at the Officer’s Mess as she can’t drink, etc. It’s a nice reminder that the basic premise of this entire series is meant to be, deliberately, very screwed up. War makes people send a child to battle.

I’ve heard that Tanya light novel fans and Tanya anime fans disagree quite a bit, and I suspect this book definitely falls on the reader side, being interesting more for the discussion of warfare than for the short, yet well-written battles. There’s also a lot of great wartime sarcastic banter between the soldiers here, which I enjoyed. For those who don’t mind long, lecturing tomes, this is still very good.

By: Sean Gaffney

#Anime #News #Manga Bookshelf

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sarahburness · 7 years

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7 Misconceptions That Keep You from Achieving Peace of Mind

“There is no greater wealth in this world than peace of mind.” ~Unknown

Achieving (and keeping) peace of mind is high on my priority list, yet my choices didn’t always reflect this, particularly when it pertained to my work.

Over time, I realized that I needed to change to live a more peaceful life.

If you’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and frustrated, it may be time to bust a few misapprehensions. Here are a few of the main ones that compromised my peace of mind.

1. Money will make me happy.

I formerly considered money and material possessions to be the ultimate sources of happiness, and my life’s aim was to earn and acquire as much as I possibly could. Because of this, my professional commitments were constantly eating into my personal time with my loved ones, and vice versa.

There I was, trying to give my best at work while simultaneously catering to the needs of my family to the greatest extent possible. I was trying to excel at everything, but I wasn’t doing justice to either of my roles. And I wasn’t enjoying any aspect of my life.

There came a point when I realized my schedule was depleting me, and I could not serve from an empty vessel. Now, I’ve come to understand that money can buy you fancy things but not happiness.

There can be no happiness without peace of mind, and materialistic things can’t provide that. Indulging in a certain degree of hedonistic pleasure will do you good, but happiness comes from feeling at peace with who you are and how you spend your time.

Also, spending wisely can make a huge difference to your peace of mind. Today, investing in meaningful and memorable social interactions such as family vacations, sporting events with friends, and concerts with near and dear ones brings me more satisfaction than spending money on a pair of designer shoes ever did.

2. There’s no room for mistakes.

It’s hard to feel peaceful if you punish yourself for making mistakes. You may even end up avoiding risks and new experiences to escape the pain of your own self-judgment. Remember, trying new things not only opens up avenues for you, but also brings a sense of fulfillment in life.

The key is to perceive mistakes as lessons rather than failures. I could easily get down on myself for, consciously or unconsciously, choosing material gains over all-round prosperity. But, choosing to learn from experience worked wonders in speeding up my healing process.

Now, instead of focusing on my errors, I pay attention to the feedback received and the experience gained.

Instead of feeling bad for focusing too much on money and things, I focus on learning from my past, letting it go, and making my present better.

At the time, my near and dear ones told me that they missed my presence and attention. They also mentioned how they worried about me neglecting my needs while trying to double my earning capacity.

So, these things had to change for sure, and over time, I did find balance through conscious efforts. I feel so much more in control of my destiny now, which brings me inner peace. I didn’t think bouncing back from supposed failures would feel this empowering, but it does.

Think about it; if you learn from mistakes, you end up a much wiser and happier person, so really, mistakes are valuable.

3. Shunning negative emotions brings peace of mind.

When my mind was troubled, I often experienced bouts of anger, frustration, anxiety, and other negative emotions. And I tried hard to fight them.

There were times when I masked them under the guise of a fake smile, indulged in a lot of retail therapy, and even overate to make myself feel better. I wanted to get rid of my demons by any means possible.

After all, that’s what you’re expected to do, right—keep your real feelings to yourself and plaster a smile on your face to appear happy and successful? However, as Carl Jung said, “What you resist persists.”

Emotions don’t go away when we hide them. If anything, they control us even more; we just don’t realize it. Also, emotions are what make us human. Not feeling them means we’ve become robots.

Avoiding negative emotions can give you the feeling of being trapped in a prison, because when you can’t accept them, you can’t deal with them. You deny yourself the opportunity to resolve those feelings permanently and feel free.

I’ve found healthy ways to come to terms with my emotions with the help of mindfulness, meditation, and even by writing them down. Peace doesn’t come from suppressing your feelings; it comes from working through them.

4. Getting ahead in life is all that matters.

In our quest to stay ahead in the rat race, we forget that no amount of getting ahead will ever feel like enough. And more importantly, by pushing to get ahead in one part of our life, we “fall behind” in others.

When I was focusing on money and material pleasures, I missed family milestones and cancelled on friends’ get-togethers just so I could work more. This, in turn, made me stay late at office, even though I was well aware that my family awaited my return so we could spend some valuable time together.

I thought I’d make up for lost time later on. Little did I know that ignoring my needs would affect my relationships, physical health, and mental state. I’m glad I realized my true priorities sooner rather than later and that I made a conscious effort to create balance.

We often undermine the importance of balance. We cannot expect to find peace if we’re constantly chasing our dreams and neglecting ourselves and our relationships. A lot of people are under the impression that only achievement will bring them happiness and peace. However, this is far from the truth.

Sure, secure finances are crucial to our peace of mind, but we need to draw a line between what we need and what we want and focus more on the former. Only then will we know real peace.

5. I need to hold on to my past and think about the future.

No, you really don’t! We can experience peace of mind only in the here and in the now. I live in the present and this is where I find my peace. This is where the answers to all my pressing questions are.

If I keep going back to the choices I made in the past, I will never be able to move on. I believe that I made the kind of progress that I did because I chose to let go of my former decisions and lifestyle, and I stopped thinking about the money I was going to have in the future. I consciously became more concerned with what I was achieving in my present.

Holding on to your past will only allow it to control your present. Everyone has experienced a mix of happy and hard moments. While reminiscing about the good times once in a while is fine, you need to let go of memories and moments that hold you back or instill fear in you.

Thinking about the future, on the other hand, will lead you to daydream and imagine potential outcomes, which may be far worse than the reality. So pondering too much over what’s to come won’t help much either.

Life always happens in the present, and it’s only by truly experiencing it that we can find peace of mind.

6. To express my feelings is to be weak.

Being in the situation that I was in (and knowing that I’d brought it upon myself), I wanted to talk about how I was feeling and seek help for dealing with it. And it’s not like I didn’t have an audience. I knew I could always speak to my family and friends, and they’d offer me an ear and a kind shoulder to cry on. However, I was too afraid of being perceived as weak or vulnerable, which reinforced my silence. After all, I was supposed to be the pillar of strength to them, and not the other way around.

A lot of us feel uncomfortable expressing ourselves. This is especially true of people like me, who grew up in a family that didn’t encourage open expression of emotions.

I had a hard time opening up to my family about the hardships I was facing, but when I did, I experienced a catharsis of sorts. It was liberating to not have to carry the anxiety and frustration alone. You can experience this too.

We need to realize that expressing our emotions in a healthy manner is a sign of strength rather than weakness. It takes a brave person to be honest about his or her feelings. More often than not, the bravado is rewarded with peace of mind.

7. I need to be or feel a certain way.

There was a time when I thought I needed to be visibly successful to gain approval from those around me, but all that did was make me unhappy. I was always too preoccupied with trying to receive approval from those around me

The truth is, you really don’t need to be anyone other than yourself or do anything you don’t want to do. We all have this image of our “ideal” selves and we try to live up to that as best as possible. But, this can sometimes mean setting ourselves up to be someone we’re not. How can that bring peace?

Accepting ourselves, on the other hand, can be immeasurably liberating. When we accept ourselves and our values and build our lives around what’s actually important to us, peace inevitably follows.

—

Achieving peace of mind is a gradual and a continuous process, and it’s not just about knowing what to do, but also understanding what not to do. Start with busting these misconceptions and you’ll be well on your way to peace, happiness, and contentment.

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About Brian Zeng

Brian Zeng is the owner of Ponbee.com. He is an entrepreneur by spirit. Through Ponbee, Brian would like to share his insights on an array of topics related to business, e-commerce, digital marketing, and entrepreneurship. His recent collection of motivation quotes will surely help you to see failure and success in a different perspective.

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from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/7-misconceptions-that-keep-you-from-achieving-peace-of-mind/

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