Decided to do with my anxiety what I did with my body dysmorphia ages ago which is to beat it with the affirmation stick until it eventually becomes a central part of my belief system. This round is "I am strange and I am loved. I may be misunderstood and that does not make me alone. I am surrounded by people who accept me"

What was put together was spread apart can I take  what was valueable with me? Can I carry it inside of me? A relationship that was build on a foundation made of traumatic memories to outrun them to gain some monomentum To use and to be used to adore and to be adored you give what you get you get what you give Im not any better than you youre not any better than me just a mirror image of what the other felt Theres a part of me that wants to stay theres a part of me that wants to leave I love, I adore, I see it all nuanced I see the flaws, the hurt that was caused the good and the bad, Theres a part of me all it does it paint it bad theres nothing good here well this was useless a waste of our time This is the part of me that was the most hurt  this is the part of me that needs love the most to heal Cruel words and pushing away and speaking words like knives and acting betraying this is the part of me  that is the most scared hiding by words that aim and hit

This is just the sort of child I was

Dont come any closer with sweet words and with care that will only make me want more itll only be taken from me anyway Right when im settled in when I get used to it itll, itll be used to betray me again, give me sweet promises of love Of a safe home, of a good future, and then tell me there were conditions to it I never knew I agreed to, if I want to keep being taken care of i have to strip of my clothes now, let you see, cant hide a single thing from you, have to show you everything, so you can eat me up like im candy, engrave love, love, love that feels like being killed, killed, killed’ Right when im settled in when I get used to standing in the limelight when I get used to having eyes on me it turns out that the eyes I believed to be wellmeaning turn and deceive, strip it down, then pull it down show me what youve really hidden now that my guard is down you want me to touch, to touch you like that, Ah I see, im just something to be used Im just a toy, if I want to be treated well I need to spread my legs apart, I need to embrace, embrace you with a smile smile sweetly as if I mean it, even if I hate it, Did you really think id ever surrender to that sort of thing? Did you really think id ever play our your fantasies for you? I am not that sort of child, I am much more stubborn than that I know what you want, what the world wants, adorable, and sweet and cute innocence innocence, innocence, innocence you can abuse, abuse, abuse to your hearts delight You always speak of love with such a grown up expression I dont think I like love I think I dont enjoy love so if you want to take it away from me go ahead Trying to reward me to reward me  with love? I dont need no rewards I life in such a hopeless world but its better than to reach for something I dont have any desire I am completely empty You want me to show you whats underneath my skirt but I dont wanna show you any part of me I dont want you to even look at me stop looking, looking at me, dont want you as much as look at me, id rather be invisible

Cause I already figured you out, you dont love me, love me at all you only love her, her, her but she’ll never be me, i’ll never be her Your fantasy is inside of me I will never play it Your fantasy is inside of me She is inside of me, inside of me, I will never let her out

Fighting for your love, how useless is that? Fighting for my fathers love, why would I do that? Fighting, fighting, fighting to be embraced, isnt that a waste of time? Fighting for what I care about? I dont care about anything. Youre only fantasizing of  a perfect little girl that is going to embrace all you are with all of your hurtful flaws that is going to act as if youre perfect even as you abuse her that is going to say yes to everything you ask whilst still remaining perfectly headstrong so you dont have to feel bad Ive no desire, and no want I am quite content on my own other people just get in the way of my peace of mind, Fighting against bullies? I dont really care about their words. People trying to tickle a reaction out of my emotionless face? I dont know why that should be a concern of theirs? Fighting back when im pushed into the ground? If I just lie quiet its gonna stop eventually, dont really see a reason bother. Fighting back when someone tries to get to close? I’ll push back so violently, violently, that boys crying, crying, crying, shouldnt have gotten in the way, huh? A knife pointed at me? Am I supposed to feel something right now? Another day my dads lashing out at me? Am I supposed to feel something right now? Another time my moms expecting me to babysit her? Am I supposed to feel something for her right now? Theres a part of me that takes everything I love away erases any trace of happiness and joy erases any trace of passion to keep me safe, safe, safe In nothingness You want me to fight for your love? I dont care. You want me to care about you? Why would I?

Did you really think id surrender, id ever surrender? Did you really think id ever break and turn appeasing? Did you really think id ever give in? I break, I break every part of me that loves, I break, I break it all apart, I break the desires I feel until they are nothing nothing nothing the spaces inside my heart that used to be full are filled with emptiness now I got rid of all the useless junk I cant say that theres anything in this world I am particulary inclined towards I cant say theres anything in this world I feel fondly for I cant say that theres anything in this world I love Theres a weak part of me that tries to see the good in others theres a weak part of me that tries to work to hard to make others happy with her theres a weak part of me that believes in love theres a weak part of me that is terribly starved for the attention and the affection theres a weak part of me that is greedy, and overly attached I dont like her very much can I kill her?

People always try to give us love filled with poison and she always wants to give it a try before deciding its not for her but then she tries to get them to love her differently then she tries to explain to them what they are doing wrong then she tries to explain to them how to get better then she tries to love them even though they cant ever love her back in the way she needs, then she tries to force her perceiptions onto them, getting to involved, burdening others with how nosy she gets, prying them apart, analyzing them, climbing inside of them and then they get obsessed with her and she gets hurt, hurt, hurt and doesnt understand why She thinks shes almost a grown-up now she thinks shes all grown-up now, I may be a child, but im more mature than her Im so much more mature You think you could outgrow me just like that? You think you can do it without me now? You think you dont need me anymore? Do you think im cold? Do you think im unfair? Who has protected you? Who kept you safe? You may pass judgement on me but without me, youd probably be on your dads lap right now a perfectly obedient little whore,  with your holes filled out by his love’ with his rotten, rotten, rotten, perverted love, who protected you, who protected you, who protected you? That was me. Depression keeps you safe you dont need any motivation that could get you hurt, Fantasies keep you busy so you dont do anything dumb, keep your heart alive, practice for later, not moving keeps you safe, when you make no noise you cant alert him, when you hide you cant be found, nobody can hurt you when they cant find you, youre safest, safest, safest away from people You dont deserve to have nice things if you cant produce them yourself so you better learn, come on, come on, Push everyone away and never ask for help, If you cant do it yourself maybe its better to sleep your life away instead? If you cant do something, just cut the need for it off Its cute how you think youve figured it all out Its cute how you think youre a grown up now but even if you are, youll always need me, need me when you love people to much or want their attention or love to much, dont be such a dumb bitch and open your eyes to the truth, some people will never change some people will never be good for you what good is there in seeing nuance? Youll never make a decision that way, if it breaks someone elses heart  they should have protected it better, its their own fault for getting hurt by you

In this world its kill or be killed but youre not very strong or brave cuz thats a dumb way to be anyway standing in the limelight, in the middle of the action will always get you beaten down the worst, fade into the background and youre safe, In this world its kill or be killed, if youre not stronger than your dad then you need to be smarter, outsmarted him again, Play it like a game, you’ll always win, If you can predict your opponents movements then you dont need to be stronger you just need to be prepared better Never put yourself in the shooting line if you really want something, dont go get it for yourself use someone else to get it for you, why should you be the one to risk it? Let someone else risk it, and if they get to demanding for favours in return for it just leave them too, youre cute, you can always find new When they start speaking of love Its time to run, to run, when you start seriously enjoying your time around them and you start missing them when they are gone its time to run, to run you cant allow yourself to get attached to anyone in a brutal world like this love is deceitful, itll never make you happy all love does it cause harm, all love does it cause terrible hurt, you cant ever outright ask for help people will try to make you dependant on them, take what they give willingly so they cant act like you owe them a return for it, You really wanna be a part of the world now, huh? You think youve outgrown me, huh? But where would you be without me? Youd be totally dependant on that little psychopath youre related to, youd have given her to much power over you, she was good to you then, but would she have stayed that way let you have her have all she wanted from you? Would you have given her all that certainity what leverage would you have had? You may tell me im a dishonest cunt, and insult me, but ive always kept you safe, you wanna tell me I am a traitor or that you seriously “loved” these people, but thats your fault not mine, for going against what is safe, youre so overly emotional, so unnecessarily honest you give people to much certainity, you cant control them like that The best way of controlling someone is to do it with them thinking they are the one actually on top people are conceited so they wont question it to deeply People have a fantasy of ruling the world use their dumb delusions to control them from behind the throne, that’ll always break eitherway kings and queens come and go but the one that is powerful is the one that controls from behind the scenes without ever being seen You think living that way isnt very fun? You think this is about having fun? This is about survival The heart you have  is the most precious part of you so dont let anyone in it or they’ll try to use it against you try to get you on your knees playing little doll for em, didnt your dad show you? Didnt he show you what “love” is? Do you want your dad to love you that badly? Then go and become his little whore with no personality or soul of her own, become a fantasy fullfillment, become a puppet, you’ll be a warm, warm, warm little toy you’ll have all the attention and affection you ever wanted but is this really the life you want? Right, I didnt think so, so why are you trying to fight me just say “thank you” instead cuz without me youd have been done for’ Do you want to love and to be loved? Do you want to be honest and upfront with people? Do you want to tell people what you really think? Do you wanna show them how you really feel? Do you wanna give them a second chance after theyve already proven they wouldnt even try to empathize with you when youre at your most hurt? That sounds like you, the “grown-up”  are way more immature than me, believe in love all you want but theres some things you’ll never get to do I just want to protect our heart from furtive hands why cant you understand? Im not trying to be mean,  Im just trying to do what is right for us in a world that doesnt care, ah right, you think the world cares now, right? Ah suddenly people are good to you, do you know why that is? its cause youre happy now and they want some of that happiness too, people feel energized when they are around energetic people, but people dont wanna be around people who are truly in need of help people abandon those who need it the most, the same people that like you now, would abandon you the second you lost your balance again, whats good about that? what do you need them for? What was put together is taken apart, like interpersonal connections you held on for to long look you may wanna tell me im no longer needed do you wanna abandon me? after everything ive done for us? do you wanna tell me ive been wrong all along when living the way you do now would have gotten you raped back then? You wanna say the times have changed, You wanna tell me the good was always there we just were unfortunate and born in an enviroment that didnt allow us to reach there, but if the good only wants the good then dont you have to deny me completely to fit in? How is that not betraying yourself?

Maybe thats true Im no longer needed are you telling me  you want me gone? Thats alright, I dont want your love anyway I dont want you to embrace me anyway Thats fine just dont come crying later you’ll never get me back