#but god it’s so hard to be so fucking broken
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right where you left me
part: 6
pairing: paige bueckers x oc
word count: 2k
c/w: language
a/n: sorry LOL PLEASE DO NOT KILL ME
I’ve never knocked on Paige’s bedroom door. But I do today. Not as a question, more as a warning.
She’s sitting criss-cross on her bed, fidgeting with the ties of her hoodie, her legs bare but for a pair of athletic shorts. Neither of us speak.
Paige and I have been through a lot together. Broken bones, breakups, losses, rejections. And we fight. God, do we fight. But this feels… different.
I’ve always felt that even when Paige and I argued, we were fighting together. Fighting to keep each other close, fighting to maintain our friendship, fighting for us.
For the first time in my life, I feel like I’m fighting against Paige.
“Do-do you want to close the door?”
I blank, then nod, shutting the door behind me.
We’re silent again, and I don’t meet her eyes when I speak, the pain of her skipping my competition last night still fresh.
“You dipped again.”
She exhales through her nose. “I came.”
“I didn’t see you.”
“Then I left.”
“Why?” My voice is soft, but I’m refraining from yelling.
“I saw her there.”
I’m taken aback. “You… what? Who? Nicky?”
Paige winces at the sound of the other girl’s name.
“Paige, I didn’t invite her. She just… showed up! As a friend!”
“Is that what you were telling her? About me? That I was ‘just a friend’?”
I gape at her. “That’s not fair.”
She laughs humorlessly. “Isn’t it? I mean, if you can do that to her - after three fucking years - why should I expect any better?”
Rage fills me, starting from my stomach and tainting my words. “I did that for you, you asshole,” I spit.
Paige snorts. “You know what, Maya? I’m tired of this. I’m so fucking exhausted. You didn’t do shit for me. You did it for yourself. You were too cowardly to tell her what was really going on, so you strung both of us on for two months.”
“You’re the one who fucking kissed me.”
“Who kissed back?”
“You kissed me when I had a fucking girlfriend, Paige!” I snarl.
She opens her mouth to reply, but I don’t want to hear it.
“You put me in that situation! And you, what? You expect me to drop everything, to rearrange my life because you decided to make a move when you knew I wasn’t available?! God, Paige, you are so fucking selfish!”
“Selfish? Selfish?! Are you fucking with me right now? I’ve just been sitting around waiting for you, and-and do you know how many girls I have in my DMs?! How many guys?!”
I throw my head back, laughing derisively. “Go fuck them, then! Huh, Paige? Go slut yourself out with all those people who want you so fucking bad!”
“Maybe I will!”
“You’re such a goddamn liar,” I seethe. “All this ‘we’re obvious’, ‘we’re forever’, ‘I’m in love with you’. It’s bullshit! Everything about you is bullshit, because you run the second things get hard.”
“At least I didn’t cheat.”
“Oh, now the homewrecker has something to say?”
“Fuck you, Maya.”
“Fuck yourself, Paige.”
“Don’t worry about that. I’m sure someone will be more than happy to do it in Connecticut.”
My breath catches at that, tears stinging my eyes. “You- what?”
Her bottom lip quivers, and she shrugs. “Someone who wants me. And only me.”
I shut my eyes, willing the tears back inside. “Stop it, Paige,” I whisper.
“I mean, how long until you find someone else you want more? And then you string me along for months? I’m not going to sit around and let you make me look like a fucking idiot.”
“That is so fucking unfair of you to say.”
“Is it? Is it?”
“You cannot put me in an impossible position and then judge me for how I handle it.”
“Oh, yes the fuck I can.”
“You’re so full of shit. God, Paige, you are so fucking full of it,” I sob, clutching at my sides and backing away from her. “You talk all this talk about how it’s you and me and us and we’re forever, and how we’re going to make long distance work, and you don’t even- you don’t even want to try!”
She’s quiet, my ragged breathing and barely contained sobs the only thing filling the silence between us.
“I can’t… I can’t trust you,” she admits meekly, and her voice is choked up.
I let out a sob at this. It’s so unfair. It’s so fucking unfair, and I can’t stand it. This isn’t my Paige. This isn’t the girl I fell in love with and this isn’t the girl I fought for. I ruck off the hoodie I’m wearing, her USA basketball hoodie, and crumple it up to launch at her. “I hope you’re fucking happy with this, Paige,” I force out.
I spin on my heel, stalking towards the door. “And by the way,” I throw over my shoulder at her. “I came out to my mom for you today, dickhead.”
Then I slam the door shut behind me.
____________
“Paige is here!”
“Go away, Matthew!”
“She said she just wants to talk!”
“Well, I don’t want to!”
“You’re such a big baby!”
“Fuck off!” I scream at him, and I feel bad for it, but I know he won’t care at all. I hear his feet stomping back down the stairs. I take a look at the mess around me. I’m packing to go back home for summer training, and my clothes are about as organized as my thoughts.
Then I hear two sets of footsteps and hushed whispers. There’s no fucking way.
“Mai,” I hear her voice call softly from outside the door.
I don’t speak. “Mai Tai, please,” she tries again, rapping her knuckles against the wood. I squeeze my eyes shut. I hear my brother whispering. “Paige, Mai Tai’s a really dumbass name.”
A smile tugs at my mouth. “Go back downstairs, bud,” she tells him.
I hear his footsteps fade away, and see Paige’s feet shuffle under the door.
“Mai, come on. Just talk to me, come on.”
“I have nothing to say,” I snap.
“It’s not what you think, dude. I didn’t kiss her!”
“It sure fucking looked like it!”
“She kissed me!” She says loudly, her voice rising.
“Because the whole fucking world wants you, huh, Paige?!” My voice is at a higher volume than normal, too.
“That is not what I said! Open this door!”
I stalk to the door and swing it open. “What?!” I demand. Her eyes are wide with surprise, like she didn’t expect me to open the door.
“Hi,” she breathes. “Can I come in?”
I roll my eyes, yanking the door open further. “Whatever,” I say.
“Maya, I am so sorry. You-you have no idea how sorry I am.”
“Sorry for what? You said you didn’t kiss her,” I say slowly, turning to her.
“I didn’t! I-she came onto me. I should’ve seen it coming, I was just so drunk-”
“I believe you.”
“Just listen to me, I- wait, what?”
“I believe you.”
“You do?”
“You’re telling the truth, aren’t you?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Okay.”
“So you’re not mad?”
I sigh, folding up a t-shirt and packing it away into a suitcase. “I’m not. I just… I’m tired.”
I turn to her. She’s standing in the doorway of my room, and I have a sudden memory of a different room, in a different time, and a conversation filled with tears and heartbreak and an ending.
There are no tears right now. But I get the sinking suspicion that it’s time for something to end.
The t-shirt I’m holding hangs lamely from my fingertips. It’s hers. It doesn’t smell like her anymore. The smell washed out years ago. But her scent is so ingrained in my memory that I can take a deep inhale of the shirt I’m holding in my hands and feel as though I’m laying on her chest.
Paige is beautiful right now. Beautiful in the way her blonde hair peeks out of her hoodie, in the way that her legs are long and tan, in the way her fingers twitch to reach for me. She’s beautiful in the way her eyes are alight with hope, and it kills me that I’m going to be the one to dim them. The heavy weight of a goodbye sits stubbornly on my heart.
I take a deep breath. “You wanna get milkshakes?” I ask.
She bites her bottom lip, brows furrowed in confusion. “Huh?”
“Milkshakes. At Sonic. Like we used to.”
“I- sure, yeah. I’ll drive.”
The car ride is silent. There’s Kehlani playing in the background. Paige rolls to a halt in front of the Sonic we came to a week ago. It feels like a lifetime ago. She parks the car, and shifts to look over at me. I don’t meet her gaze.
“I love you, Maya.”
I stare at my hands. “You don’t have to say it back. I just want you to know,” she sighs, hitting the steering wheel lightly with her palm. “And I want you to know that the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life was letting you walk out of my room that day.”
“I was stupid. I didn’t know what I had until I lost it, and I know you put yourself through hell just for the possibility of us being together. I’m sorry I let you go then, and I’m sorry it took me this long to realize that it’s you and me. It’s us. For fucking life, dude.”
“Us,” I whisper to myself, looking at her. “What the hell does that mean, Paige?”
“To me?” She breathes. She shakes her head in disbelief.
“Everything.”
My heart twists. “You and I have been hurting each other since we were teenagers. Do you realize that?” I ask. She purses her lips. “We were dumb kids back then.”
“We hurt each other, like, three days ago, too.”
“We didn’t mean to-”
“But it still keeps happening? Doesn’t it?”
She hits the steering wheel harder. “Fuck, Maya. I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“I don’t want you to say anything, I just want you to think about this.” I hesitate, then continue. “Paige, we… jumped into this again too soon.”
“I’m sure about us, Mai, I don’t need time to think-”
“Just listen.” She falls silent again, staring straight ahead stubbornly. “We fought. Had sex. And got back together all over the span of 24 hours. Just think about that. Doesn’t that all feel a little fast to you?”
“I just feel like when it comes to you, I don’t… think. I just do. And I love you, Paige. I love you so much it hurts, and I don’t think I ever stopped. I just think we need time. We need to grow and mature into people who don’t hurt each other.”
“I don’t want time. I don’t want space, I just want you. Maya, you’re my whole fucking heart.”
My eyes blur with tears at her admission. “Paige,” I whisper, cupping her face.
“Take me home,” I tell her.
“Maya, please. I don’t want to- I can’t be without you. Please don’t make me do this.” There are tears streaming down cheeks now, her beautiful blue eyes tinged red. “Don’t make this harder than it has to be,” I beg.
Paige lets out a quiet sob, backing out of the parking space, our milkshakes entirely forgotten.
I hate that I’m doing this to her. But I’m doing it for her, too. For us.
We deserve a fighting chance. She deserves time to figure out how to tell me why she really ended things in the first place.
Neither of us are in a place to go back there, yet. We will be, someday.
Just not today.
Paige pulls to a stop in front of my house. I chance a look at her. “Don’t go,” she begs. Her fingers reach for mine, entwining our hands together. “I-I love you, Maya. Please don’t go.”
My lip quivers. “I’m sorry. I love you. So much, Paige.”
I reach over to her, pressing my lips to hers. Her lips taste like salt, and her face is wet with tears.
Then I leave.
And I don’t look back.
#paige bueckers#paige bueckers fic#wcbb#fic#uconn wbb#✂️ anon#ncaaw#paige bueckers x oc#fic talk#sorry sorry sorry
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broken pieces...🏹
a/n: smt a little sad, sorry :((
warnings: porn w/o plot, santa barbara!ellie (honestly just PTSD trauma, after santa barbara at the farm w/o dina or her kid, ellie) , strap, crying
"fuck els.." you mutter.
your back is sweaty against the comforter, body moving slowly up and down with the creaking of the bed with each slow yet hard thrust. her hands are places beside your head, her body as far away from yours as possible.
every car, gust of wind, branch that snaps, settling of the house that happens, you hear perfectly. the room was dead silent, except your occasional mutters of 'fuck'. every roll of her hips was brainless, like her these days. her attitude never seemed to brighten, she cried half the time, and she tried to cover it with god awful sex.
her eyes were glued to oak finish headboard, lifeless, that glimmer and sparkle in her eyes dead, making her eyes a dark, muddy brown. you couldn't blame the girl, she was traumatized, always thinking about her next move.
always thinking about how she should've stayed on that farm.
you were her rebound, the girl she went to, killing abby wasn't a success, and she left her girlfriend and kid for absolutely nothing.
all that ran through her head was how stupid she was, how empty she was, how she felt nothing, utter nothingness.
you felt something drop on your face and roll down, eyes traveling to where it came from to meet with ellie, tears streaming down her face, biting her quivering lip.
every single time you guys had sex, she cried, and you wondered if it was because you were so awful.
"ellie.." you say softly.
"fuck, you feel so good baby.." that once zealous, full of love and silly jokes voice was gone, disappeared. now it quivered, her voice breaking as she spoke, biting her lip to try and not sob loudly.
she couldn't even feel you, her cock was silicone.
she continues staring at the headboard, thrusts slow and hard until you see her eyes widen and her thrusts get hard and at an inhumane pace. this always happened, she'd have flashbacks, going faster was her way of being stressed, when her pulse increased, so did her speed.
"e-ell-ie slow down.." you say out, trying to speak with her fast pace.
you're whines and whimpers couldn't keep up with her pace as it unbelievably got faster.
ellie, like a grenade, tick, tick, tick, until it can't tick anymore, it has to blow up.
peace seeped nowhere in her bones, not moving it's way into her marrow as she went wide eyed.
broken cries, broke moans, broken bombs, broken people, broken pieces.
a broken waterfall cascaded over you with a loud moan.
she fell apart in pieces, so did you...just not in the way she did.
she stares at the headboard. "abby" her voice was soft and numb as her eyes blew up.
hearing another girl's name as you came isn't the best thing ever, it actually happens all the time.
she threw herself off of you and trembled, labored breathing as she gripped her chest and repeated 'no' over and over again.
"ellie" you shook her. no response. "ellie!" you yell, shaking her.
she snaps up, staring at you. "shit, shit, shit, shit, i-i did it again" she panics.
you sigh and grab her hand, kissing away the tears that feel from her eyes, and bringing her into a hold.
"it's okay...it's okay...i understand" you hush softly, knowing she'll try and explain, or apologize over and over.
"baby i promise...i-i love you, only you" she whispers.
"i know baby, i love you too, it's okay" you sigh contently, rubbing the scars on her back gently.
hearing those words from her is all that mattered though.
"i know you regret everything in your life right now...but sometimes the challenges we face-" she interrupts you.
"make you stronger? bullshit" she sniffles.
"no. they make you weaker, they drain you out until you're nothing but a corpse, a breathing corpse, nothing else, and when you come out of that darkness, it's like...it's like being reborn almost..." you ramble.
"how the hell does that make sense" she chuckles.
"see, there's my girl...she's in there...she's just trying her best to get through" you whisper softly, stroking her cheek with your thumb as your smile softly at her.
she shakes her head, burying it in your neck and chuckling. "it's like...drowning and finally getting that breath of air." you whisper. "nothing else can compare to it...everything seems like ten times better" you rant.
"i think you're my breath of fresh air" she says, staring at you with a slight blue shimmer in her eye.
a/n: fear i ate a little too hard with this one. decided on a happy ending cuz i would've been depressed for the rest of the night if not.
#tlou#ellie williams#tlou ellie#ellie williams smut#tlou smut#ellie#ellie the last of us#lesbian#the last of us#tlou x reader
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short satosugu piece i wrote 🙂↕️
—
each breath was heavy, the ringing in his ears loud.
it almost seemed like he was underwater, the words being spewed at him falling on deaf ears. his heart pounding hard and loud in his chest, his limbs felt cold. his fingers numb, is this what it meant to feel? to truly feel?
it felt deafening, soul shattering.
if this is what it meant to feel, he didn’t like it.
he didn’t like the way his stomach churned with regret.
he didn’t like how sick it made him feel. god he hated it.
nothing hurt more then the ability to feel.
in movies and books they describe feeling as something beautiful, but this didn’t feel beautiful.
this felt hell sent, like the devil himself had come up and stabbed him through the chest. relishing in the way he screamed in pain. his sadistic nature bubbling to the surface.
“are you even listening?” dread settled in his gut as he listened, he wished he wasn’t “so you’re leaving.” the words felt foreign falling from his lips, weak almost. “you’re leaving..” he repeated, he felt frozen in place too many emotions wrecking his body. he felt so many things, heartbroken, angry, regretful, broken in it’s entirety.
“satoru..” suguru purred his name as he always did, even in moments like this. he sighed “i think it’s best.” he began, his words quickly being cut off “for who?” satoru raised his voice, “who is it best for?” his voice shook with emotion, unshed tears threatening to spill over. he looked disheveled. his breathing was heavy, he felt lightheaded “because if you think this is the best for me you’re sorely mistaken.” he wanted to close the distance beg suguru to stay, that he had a place here and he didn’t have to go. “you’re supposed to know me better than anyone so how could you possibly think this is what would be best for me?” he had so many questions, so many things he needed answers too.
“what else am i supposed to do?” suguru was growing frustrated, he knew this wasn’t going to be easy but he also didn’t expect such a reaction out of satoru. “stay?” satoru questioned, he knew the situation suguru was in wasn’t a pretty one. hell it was probably worst case scenario but he wouldn’t let him go without a fight, without answering why. “what you did, was beyond fucked okay.” satoru breathed out “but running for the hills?” he bit his lip, heaving another sigh. satoru didn’t want to admit how numb he felt, how he was so overcome with emotion he felt nothing “please don’t do this.” he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut to will the tears away.
suguru feels his heart plummet, a shaky breath falling from his lips “satoru.” he whispered, his eyes flitting across his features. he breaks the distance, his arms wrapping around satoru pulling him close. he hates what he’s about to ask, hates that he has hope that satoru is gonna say yes and drop everything. “come with me.” he whispered against his ear “come with me..” he repeats again, his heart pounding against his ribcage. “you want me to come with you..” his voice soft, weak. “i-i..” a sharp breath “okay.” he whispered, he knew dropping everything and running off with suguru was only going to cause more trouble down the road but for now, in this moment he wouldn’t regret his answer.
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Not Dating, part 3
part 1, part 2 - also on ao3
Eddie needs better self esteem. In the meantime, he's wallowing and indulging in that Triple Decker Eggo Extravaganza that El told him about. (The great thing is, it's only 8000 calories.)
The first thing Eddie does upon getting home is slam the door of the brand new double-wide that still doesn’t feel quite like home. New walls and new furniture and Wayne had to start a whole new mug and hat collection, which sucks because most of it had been from his long haul trucker days and everything had had a story behind it. Now the stories are mostly, ‘look what I found in a bin at the thrift shop.’
His uncle looks up from the newspaper he’s reading in his (new, not quite broken in yet) recliner and mildly raises an eyebrow.
The second thing Eddie does is stomp over to the phone and grab the jack that connects it to the wall. “We don’t need this for a few days, right?” he snarls, keeping his voice and expression hard because as soon as he lets up on that facade, the second it cracks, he’s going to fall apart. He hadn’t realized how much Steve had been holding him together lately, but now that’s been yanked out by the roots and he feels dangerously unstable.
Wayne considers for a moment, then shrugs. “Nah, guess not.”
“Good.” Eddie yanks it and continues to his room without another glance. He slams that door behind him too, digs through the detritus on top of his (new) desk to find the radio Dustin had given him, and turns the knob to off with a vicious twist.
Then he burrows into his (new) bed and screams into his (new) pillow and wishes that none of it had never happened, that he was still in their old place in its old spot where everything was familiar and he didn’t have scars and he’d never spoken more than a few words to Steve fucking Harrington in his entire, goddamn, shitty little life.
Over the next few days, Eddie chain smokes through both his cigarettes and his pot stash. Maybe he’ll still leave town, but once the initial angry energy drained away he hasn’t felt like doing anything, so it can wait. The only times he crawls out of bed to use the bathroom or get something to eat. And eat. And eat.
Yes he’s aware that he’s self-soothing with food, and no he doesn’t give a flying fuck. It feels like a black hole has opened up inside him and what it’s demanding is Eggo waffles with every single little square full up with whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and M&Ms. (Eleven had mentioned it in an offhand comment once as her go-to Bad Mood Food, and by god that girl is onto something; it’s bready, creamy, and crunchy combined in every bite.)
But it’s not booze, so Wayne hasn’t commented on these additions to the grocery list. And thank fucking god for that because Eddie doesn’t think he’d be able to talk about much of anything without suffering a complete breakdown—just getting out of bed is hard enough.
The phone stays unplugged, so if anyone (if Steve) tries to call, Eddie remains blissfully unaware. Max broke in on day two to check for proof of life, turned the radio back on and changed it to an obscure channel, and warned him that if he turned it off again she and the rest of the Party would not be held responsible for Dustin’s actions. So, fine, when Dustin radios to check in Eddie responds, but it’s all brief and monosyllabic, literally just a proof you’re not dead’ call.
And Eddie is left alone. It’s the way he wants it.
It’s agony.
After four days of wallowing in exactly what he deserves for falling for a straight boy, Eddie rolls sluggishly over in bed towards the tap of thrown pebbles on his window. He glares at the offending thing, which he can’t even see through the thick blackout curtain.
“Fuck off,” he yells, and his voice is hoarse but carries well enough. He slumps back down and starts to pull the blanket back over his head, when the tapping comes again. “What about fuck off did you not—”
“It’s Steve.”
Eddie freezes, then shudders and turns to whine into his pillow, the only word going through his mind a frantic litany of no no no NO. He can’t let Steve see him like this, can’t let the object of his hopeless affection know how much this is hurting him for fear that Steve might try to be nice about it, and that would just blur the lines even more and make things worse. And Eddie hasn’t showered, combed his hair, or brushed his teeth in days, there’s probably chocolate on his face, and the way he can’t even pull his shirt down over his belly is just—no.
“Absolutely fucking not,” he snarls.
“Eds, please, I made a mistake. I fucked up, I know that, but please let me at least try to fix this.”
And oh, Eddie already knows what mistake Steve made. It’s one thing to be friends with the local gay metalhead and social pariah, but to fuck him? Can’t have that, no fucking sir.
Instead of answering, he buries himself in his blankets and under his pillow and goes back to wallowing in high gear because it’s all he’s good for right now. A few more days in this cocoon and he’ll come out harder, steeled against Steve’s sweet, prettyboy charms that he must not even realize how thick he lays on all the time, and everything will be fine. Just… just a few more days to forget how cared for Steve had sometimes managed to make him feel while fucking him.
But he’s forgotten that Steve knows where the spare key is—not that the lock on a trailer door is all that robust, but Wayne has insisted lately after the whole ‘hunt the freak’ debacle, and that’s fair enough.
“Eddie.” Spoken in a shaky but determined voice right outside his bedroom door. “You don’t have to let me in, just… Hear me out, okay?”
Oh, now you want to talk, Eddie grumbles internally. But not out loud, oh no; his plan is to ignore Steve until he goes away. Fuck this, fuck that, fuck everything.
It sounds like Steve is sitting down out there, thumping against the door or maybe one of the walls and sliding all the way down. Four days apart and part of Eddie still aches to see him, pictures against his will how Steve might look right now. His imagination wants to paint shadows underneath Steve’s eyes, wants to think that he’s at least lost some sleep over this even if it’s a long shot, lips bitten red and begging for a kiss, their first—
Eddie loathes himself.
“I’m sorry I didn’t answer your question,” Steve is saying, and he does sound tired, at least. That’s something. “It’s not that I didn’t want to, I just had… too many thoughts, it was like a traffic jam in my head. But I don’t want you to think I don’t want this, you. Because I like you, Eddie.”
I like you.
Like you.
Because I like you, Eddie.
Eddie has gone so still that he’s not even breathing, and Steve keeps talking.
“I really do. As more than just a friend, okay? So I don’t… Don’t not come to movie nights, please. If it’s the kids too or just us, I don’t care; I want you to be there. I always want you to be there.”
His first instinct is to be angry. If that’s how Steve really feels, why had he let Eddie leave? Had he even tried to call? Why did it take days for him to show up?
Then Eddie thinks, Well why wouldn’t it take the better part of a week to come to terms with liking someone like me, and the anger sputters out.
Because it’s not like he’s a catch or anything. A three-time senior who never managed to graduate (never mind that he’d gotten his GED with flying colors on the first try), known around town for selling drugs and being briefly arrested for triple homicide… Son of a criminal and a drug addict. Raised in a trailer park, a far cry from the big houses in Loch Nora, unless his dad dragged him out that way to case the neighborhood or something.
And even before the scars, he’d never really thought of himself as attractive. Okay at best. He’s proud of his long hair and his tats—or he had been, before patches of them had gone the same way as one of his fucking nipples. Besides all that, there’s…
Deep in his burrow of blankets, Eddie feels along the lower curve of his belly and wonders if Steve would’ve turned up on day two or three instead of four if he hadn’t gained so much weight lately. Despite how all this had started. Despite the belly rubs and how those kind touches had become something heated, almost reverent. Despite how Steve had always brought him more to eat and drink, sometimes before Eddie even had to ask, like he just knew—
“... Eddie? Are you still in there, man?”
He can’t contain his loud, scoffing snort, because there are only two ways out of his room and it’s not like he can just shimmy out a window these days. Which hasn’t been a problem until now, when the man of his dreams is blocking the door to offer… what, some sort of pity relationship? For Eddie to be his gay experiment? To be called man during emotional moments like they’re bros or something?
“Okay,” Steve sighs, and Eddie would bet real money that he was running a hand through his hair as he said it. “Guess I deserved that. Sorry.”
And he really does sound sorry, but honestly? That’s not the only thing that has Eddie crawling desperately out of bed. It’s that he needs to see Steve’s face when he sees what Eddie has devolved into over the past few days. Greasy, unwashed, heavier, with traces of his go-to depression meal around his mouth, wearing only an ill-fitting shirt and ratty boxers. Because that’s when he’ll know, right? However Steve reacts when he opens that door, that’s how Eddie will know.
So he gets up, itching from new stretch marks and stumbling a little with the long put-off need to stretch his legs. Shuffles over and grabs the doorknob so tight his knuckles go an even paler shade than the rest of him, and jerks it open.
Too quick for Steve to react. And he had been sitting dejectedly against the door, because when it opens in and he ends up flat on his back with his head on Eddie’s one-socked-one-not feet. Staring up at the underside of Eddie’s gut, which, goddammit, means Eddie can’t see his face.
“Shit,” Steve breathes. And then he’s scrambling up to where Eddie can see he’s flushed all the way down to his chest, courtesy of a butter-yellow Henley open at the collar by a few buttons.
That’s when Eddie notices the bouquet of flowers clutched in Steve’s hand, maybe a little worse for wear from falling but the bottoms of the stems wrapped carefully in wet paper towel, plastic sandwich bag, and a rubber band. It’s a home job, not from some shop. They’re wildflowers.
“What,” Eddie croaks. His voice gives out on the rest, which should have been, the hell do you want, Harrington? But Steve… Steve brought him fucking flowers that he’d bothered to pick himself.
Steve isn’t wrinkling his nose in disgust at Eddie’s unkempt appearance, and he’s not looking away. Instead, he wets his lips nervously and can’t seem to look anywhere else. “Eds, I…” He runs his free hand through his hair, then shakes his head. “Damn, I had it all worked out with Robin and now I can’t remember any of it.”
“You told Robin,” Eddie says slowly. Not even a question, because it makes perfect sense that Steve would tell his best friend everything—and yet it doesn’t, because straight boys never tell anyone. Straight boys usually threaten him with violence to keep him from telling anyone. “About… us.”
“Yeah,” Steve admits. “I needed a sounding board… Sorry, if that’s, uh. If you didn’t want me too. She won’t tell anyone, I swear.”
And why does it sound like Steve is the one reassuring him about that? Steve is a catch. Steve is handsome, could probably have any girl in town if he really put the effort in. Eddie would shout from the rooftops that he bagged Steve Harrington if it wouldn’t probably get him killed—again.
When Eddie doesn’t respond, just stares at him blankly, Steve thrusts out the bouquet. “Anyway. These are for you. Peace offering? I just want to talk.”
Eddie is so confused. He feels grimy and gross and slow, and he doesn’t know if he still wants to be angry or if there’s still some other feeling buried under the rubble of his composure. So he blinks, opens his mouth, blinks again, says, “Can you put them in a mug or something? I need to take a shower first.”
He doesn’t know how to feel right now, so buying himself some time will have to do.
Permanent tag list: @hotluncheddie @lawrencebshoggoth @tangerinesteve
Tag list (comment to be added or move to the perma list): @westifer-dead @eyehartart @sofadofax
#steddie#wg steddie#scoops words#chubby eddie munson#wg not dating#slight cw for eddie briefly thinking negatively about his weight#but mostly he just doesn't see himself as a catch overall
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oooo ho jo sad in tags babey
#queenposts#i want to die literally so bad!#i’m haunted by the trauma#i have brain damage cause i’m so fucking traumatized#i feel like a burn victim#so raw and exposed constantly and i can’t cover up#ever since i quit drinking it’s so open and raw#everything makes me so fucking angry they did that to me#they ruined my fucking life. for YEARS. i laid in bed. i tried to kill myself#they tricked me into thinking that was all i wa stood for#now i can’t let anyone fucking see me#cause i do not want anyone looking at me like they did#i can’t even talk to anyone because i just so fucking scared#i feel so disgusting and broken#and it’s not even my fault i know#but god it’s so hard to be so fucking broken#to have to claw my way out of the fucking wretch that is my own thoughts#i wish i had died#i don’t want to try anymore#it’s not fucking fair#the only reason i’m even trying is for my family#if not for them and how much it would destroy them i’d be dead#it’s not fucking worth this#but they are.#so i’ll try. for them. but god if you’re real i hate you#i haven’t eaten in so long when i tried my teeth fucking hurt#i hate this#i hate me.
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OOH YEAH BABY! PARTY TIME BABY! MUSIC! DRINKS! SOCIAL PRESSURE & A PSYCHEDELIC BREAK DOWN! WELCOME TO VAMPIRE SOCIETY MOTHERFUCKER! ARE YOU SCARED? DO YOU UNDERSTAND YET? ITS OKAY IF NOT. FIRE DISSOLVED IT! ITS ALL GONE NOW. HAVE FUN!
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi suckening#jrwi suckening spoilers#RRAAHH IM IN LOVE WITH THIS SHOW SOOO GOODDAMN MUCH!! each o these characters has STOLEN my HEART!!!#LIKE EMIZEEELLL i love emizel so much.. runnin around announcing that HE isa PRINCE while shiloh FINALLY quietly clicks the pieces together#nathan hanover you MADMAN!!! that slow dramatic guitar riff as emizel makes that announcement was so fuckin COOL UGHHHH#MR HANOVER DOES IT AGAIN just creating tracks that absoultely WORM into my MIND and HHEAARRT UUGHHGHH#emizel is so cool and so funny and so adorable UUGHH ill gush abt him more when i finally post my emizel n soda doodle page#ARTHUR FUCKING BENNET. i totally get why grizz has a hard time playing him. hes cool and stoic n its not easy to play a man o little words#BUT BBOOOY DOES HE DO IT WELL!! arthur DOES come off as so stoic n cool & it just makes his lil misfortunes all the more charming#like falling into the red fear or confrontin edward twilight or accidentally doing lsd. I LOVE THATS HES THE BAD LUCK GUY.#okay uhhu uhh i have limited room here what else should i say uhh. THE NPCS. MY GOD THE NPCS. CHARLIE U WONDERFUL MADMAN#edward twilight is SUCH a funny fucking antagonist. and supposedly his magic stuff is super scary?? SO EXCITED TO SEE MORE OF THAT#ill ramble abt mr deacon keller later eheh i have a. uh. a doodle page in the works. so in the meantime DAYBRINGER SOLOMON!!#“HERE COMES THE SUN MOTHERFUCKER!” “ILL SEE YOU IN HELL. NOT. IM GOING TO HEAVEN. BITCH.” like come on now. oh my god. i need him#BIG POWERFUL BEAST AND EVERY WORD HE SAYS HAS ME CRACKING UP. THE MUFFLED VOICE IN THE DARK BROKEN BY “LIGHT!”#TRULY HILARIOUS AND YET TRULY HORRIFYING. I FUCKIN LOVE CHARLIE NPCS SO MUCH. I HOPE WE SEE HIM AGAIN OHH MY GOOOODDD#OKAYokay. im normal now. ill talk abt the piece. if u read my tags this far then u get special secret knowledge abt the artistic process#IM VERY HAPPY WITH MY COLORS! i know they were hallucinating on drugs so i just recalled the times i did drugs & used that as my influence#REMEMBER KIDS! acid is totally fine if ur safe and responsible about it. do acid and then stare at my art for a bit trrruuust me. IT MOVES!#anyway i think thats all my thoughts here. thank you for looking at my art n thanku if ur one o the ppl that says nice things in the tags#U are LITERLY my life blood i pick up each of u n kiss u so sweetly on the head. remember to try acid!!!!
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Heading home from embassytown
#they will permit me to leave the country but only after making me feel appropriately like an irresponsible citizen#i am so fucking tired. watching sexy gunviolence to stay awake. and because its the only thing i have downloaded#now i just need to get to a different country and catch two planes#i have not slept#i am too old to sleep on a friends broken couch successfully it seems#despite the embassy employee who didn't know whether to give me the form for over eighteens or under eighteens#sir i appreciate it's hard but im in my thirties#um. my art#and mostly ramblings good god this man gts hit by a lot of cars
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so like..
is the idea that as a compromise to only having to toggle off tumblr live once a month, you now have this permanent tumblr live icon regardless of ur setting choice stuck to the bottom in the middle of everything in the hopes that i click on it accidentally anyways even though it's clear i don't want it or? where is the NO 100% STOP GIVING ME THIS SHIT I DON'T ACCEPT YOUR POLICIES AND LITERALLY COULD NOT CARE LESS ABOUT TUMBLR LIVE AND WILL NEVER BE INTERESTED IN THIS TYPE OF FEATURE OR FORMAT.
@zingring @photomatt @humans idk how many feedback requests people have to cut tumblr for "no" to just be a valid response here. ppl aren't dumb and see u inching over the line trying to force this on them despite the snooze choice.
what, are there so many ppl snoozing and such a low adoption rate that you know you need to trick users into using it so you can "make number go up" or? 🙄
#snoozing tumblr live for a month but perpetually having a big centered button that will take you there immediately at all#times while also inherently meaning that you've accepted the privacy policies and TOS for using a third party service#tumblr is so fucking annoying is2g i should just pester my mutuals repeatedly about getting onto cohost and being active instead#of talking to a fucking brick wall because obviously NO ONE at tumblr gives a shit that NO ONE wants to use their shitty third#party live stream feature. for the millionth time leave me alooooone#my patience and grace for this site is almost entirely spent y'all ngl (´-﹏-`；) tumblr is like one or two annoying updates away from#me bugging y'all to get on cohost. was hoping there'd be a few more good updates before we got back to the annoying enraging ones.#like.. seeing if ppl r mutuals or followers on mobile? 👍 snoozing going from 7 to 30 days? 👍 live being there despite snoozing? 👎🔫#I'm STILL not over this whole twitter UI too in the browser too. tumblr's trying sooo hard to be a blogging platform in a twitter trenchcoat#u ARE a blogging platform and are functionally different than a typical social media site in multiple key ways. why r u downgrading urself#it's bc matt thinks elon's sooooo cute and wants to kiss him so bad he'd do anything to get his attention#even crash the popularity of his site and burn his good grace he had w the platforms community.#y'all rich mf need some hobbies i swear to god (´-﹏-`；) y'all get bored or divorced n start tryna fix shit that ain't broken. pests.#now it's everyone else's problem too 🙄
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Re: you are playing half-life
1) GOOD IT'S GREAT, needs a bigger fandom outside hlvrai. Also maybe look into Black Mesa- the fan made modern remake that is *absolutely beautiful,* one of the few games that would probably actually be worth $60, but is actually only $20, and is a faithful recreation with modern technology.
2) siren pups are called houndeyes! Headcrabs are probably p obvious, but also, the squid face dogs are bullsquids, and the three-armed aliens are vortigaunts!
3) pleas don't slander my boy Barney Calhoun like that he's just a security guard not a cop and in fact is canonically, actively anti-cop/anti-facist in HL2 please he doesn't deserve to have his game rejected like that PLEASE LOVE MY BOY-
Ok im sorry that's all I'm done I'm just passionate about these games I hope u enjoy them ok bye <3
!!! Oh bro you’re so good!! I absolutely LOVE people talking about things they’re passionate about and have a bunch of facts to share!!!!
I KNOW THE NAME OF THE HOUNDEYES NOW!!! Today is a good day :)
I shall play Blue Shift then fuck yeah!!! Was just about to start Half Life 2 so I’m glad I found that out beforehand and play everything in series! I’m absolutely gonna check out that fanmade game that sounds so cool!
As a kid I was pretty much fully isolated from video games as a whole and honestly it’s been a BLAST playing games that are spoiled or well known for many but completely unknown for me! I finished playing the Portal series a few weeks ago and MAN I now know why it is on such a high pedestal!! The games are wonderful and the characters are absolutely iconic. Currently going through well known earlyish PC games, the Doom games, Portal, Half-Life, and slowly chugging my way through chronologically so I can see how video gaming as a whole progressed and evolved! It’s so neat! It’s really hard trying to play a few games though, lots of games expect you to know a lot of stuff so I have to watch lots of videos to make sure I’m not forgetting a Super Important button that does a Super Important Game Mechanic. It’s so cool tho!!!! I’m having such a great time!!!!!!! Thanks for the ask my guy!! :D
#bones replies#if ANY of y’all have reccomendations for games PLEASE tell them to me!!!#y’all I didn’t realize games were so expensive it’s WILD but understandable for like super well crafted and long games but WOW!!!#is cool tho!#first game I ever played on PC was Manual Samuel to get a feel for controls… my biggest mistake#Half-Life#half life is such a blast and it’s funky and fun!!!#I’ve only accidentally broken the maps twice but both were fixable by reloading saves#the F6 key is a lifesaver dude#I’m so bad at games because I really don’t understand what I’m doing but I’m having so much fun!!!!#took me 37.6 hours to finish Half-Life on hard! google says it should take me 12 hours#but I’m getting better!!!!#tutorials that half life games give you beforehand are SO nice dude!!!! it’s really cool because I don’t know shit#I’m rambling but dudE#that fuckin god raspy ass bitch suitcase man with the green portals#idk who he is and I’ve made it my MISSION to not search up his name until I’ve fully completed the series bc-#people go INSANE when I describe him as the crusty dusty suitcase motherfucker and I want to keep myself in my Unknown State because-#I want the true comedy of whatever I’m saying to hit me then.#i don’t care WHAT that suitcase fuck is. he’s a lil bitch who owes Gordon rent money from sending him to stasis without closing his lease#I’m super excited about these funky vide of games if u can’t tell
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A Pearl by Mitski is kinda post Jaylex into Jam territory if you think about it.
Hello? Mind reader?? You are so correct???
This is even better mind reading because of what I was writing like right before I remembered i had this ask and wanted to answer it and shit. Like???? This is very much post Jaylex and into Jam, BUT it is also post Jaylex the first time they "broke up" oh my god.
Hang on, I'll explain it with the lyrics lol
Lyric analysis time because for some reason this is like my favourite thing to do when I wanna think about sorry its locked but can't actually write it for whatever reason.
You're growing tired of me
You love me so hard and I still can't sleep
You're growing tired of me
And all the things I don't talk about
SO ABOUT THAT POST JAYLEX'S FIRST 'BREAK UP' ehehhehehehehehheheh. Right, so, after Alex started dating Amy in college, Jay did (eventually) start trying to, like, date and have sex with other people. He never really managed to date anyone, it was always just not-quite-actually-casual casual sex. And they always ended up getting tired of Jay, because they were trying their best and he was hung up on Alex still (and would be for the next rest-of-his-life) And Jay never actually talked to them about why he was the way he way, just learned to warn them ahead of time to try and scare them away so that he wouldn't end up getting hurt when they inevitably got too upset with him over something and broke it off with him.
And, obviously. Yeah, Jam. Jay's so worried that the same thing that happened with Alex and all the other people is gonna happen with Tim, and if it did it'd probably break him even worse than Alex did, honestly. Purely because the stuff with Tim would stack on top of the stuff with Alex and they'd become one thing and Jay would just not know how to deal with that literally at all.
Sorry, I don't want your touch
It's not that I don't want you
Sorry, I can't take your touch
Pre first Jaylex break up. Yeah. One of the reasons Jay got broken up with by at least one person was that they were meant to behaving casual sex, and Jay went through a period of time where he just, really really couldn't. Which like, fair, and fair i guess for the person being like, yeah i'll go find someone else to have sex with. but also they did it in a nasty way so never mind, fuck them lmao. (I just love putting Jay through shit lmao, I'm so sorry to that poor guy, I need to write a lil fluffy oneshot of him and Tim just being okay)
It's just that I fell in love with a war
Nobody told me it ended
And it left a pearl in my head
And I roll it around every night
Just to watch it glow
Every night, baby, that's where I go
Ow. Just. Ow.
Cos, yeah, Jay did. He really, really did fall in love with a war didn't he? That whole relationship with Alex was just this constant series of battles with himself and his feelings for Alex, and battles with Alex himself because of how he treated Jay and how Jay wanted to be treated. And his brain can't fully comprehend that Tim's not going to just be the exact same as everyone else, the exact same as Alex. And the thing is that Tim IS going to be different, but they're not going to have enough time for Jay's head to actually wrap itself around that so that he can believe it.
And obviously, they never could get enough time, because of all the shit with the operator, but Tim at least is holding out hope that they'll both survive is and they'll get the time afterwards.
Sorry, I don't want your touch
It's not that I don't want you
Sorry, I can't take your touch
Jay's so scared that having issues with intimacy is gonna fuck up his chances with Tim, but it wont. Logically he knows it wont (and I refuse to make them angsty enough that Jay wouldn't bother to say no if he didn't wanna do something) but there is still this little part of his head that says that if he goes too long not wanting to have sex, it'll somehow fuck something up.
There's a hole that you fill
You fill, you fill
Also I fully intend for Jay to be very unhealthy about Tim :] Just like he was very unhealthy about Alex (especially back in college)
Poor guy's gonna fucking idolize Tim once he realizes Tim really really actually likes him. Which, y'know. Not good. Thankfully Jay's lil eventual obsession or whatever it is (idk, a hyperfixation on a person? that's what I called it. Basically, pretty much every waking thought Jay has is somehow about Tim/reminds him of Tim, if Tim is even slightly in a bad mood Jay assumes it's because of him and gets viciously terrified that Tim's going to leave him and hate him forever, he'd accept any kind of 'penance' or punishment from Tim for whatever he did wrong, if anything bad happens to Tim Jay get's violently enraged and wants to 'fix it' the quickest way possible, etc. He basically feels like Tim is perfect and he can't live without him. idk if that makes sense? I'm tired and never figured out what the fuck this thingy is, but i'm giving it to Jay)
Tim is Jay's missing piece, and Jay's going to hack at his own edges to make sure that Tim fits him, just like he did back in college to try and make Alex fit him.
He's just made up of pieces of himself and other people that he sawed off and cobbled together to make sure that the person he was in love with would perfectly 'complete' and 'fix' him.
But it's just that I fell in love with a war
And nobody told me it ended
And it left a pearl in my head
And I roll it around every night
Just to watch it glow
Every night, baby, that's where I go
Just to watch it glow
goddamnit now i wanna plan a fic to dive into Tim and Jay's relationship after sorry its locked and before Jay dies, just so I can make Jay not okay and Tim not okay, but their brand of not okay works well enough for the short amount of time they have together. If Jay lived they'd have the worlds messiest break up oh my god lmao.
why do i torture them like this?
#Also like oh my god i've been looking for this song for so fucking long because meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee lmao#honestly tho. this is such a perfect song for Jaylex as a whole. and the start of Jam#Mostly it's about Jay just being very unhealthy about all the people he falls in love with#he can't be fixed in the amount of time he has left. but if he lived and didn't end up running the fuck away from Tim i think he could heal#and still stay in a relationship with Tim. but itd be really hard and a LOT of work#they could do it. but also sorry its locked has everyone who dies in canon die in it. because i love the angst of:#“Jay dies in Alex's arms because he can't deny himself the chance to be held by Alex one last time” and:#Alex goes to Tim for help dying because he literally can't kill himself and he's so broken over having to kill Jay that he doesn't care#anymore. And he knows Tim has managed to live with the Operator sickness. so if anyone is left alive. yeah it should be Tim#That's too much words in the tags woops#marble hornets#marble hornets fanfic#alex kralie#tim wright#marble hornets fanfiction#jay merrick#jaylex#mh jam#MH sorry its locked
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The freeing emotion of blocking 😊😊😚
#this has been over 2 years of slights and gods <3 this person deserved this block#the abilism about autism was <3 <3 <3 so gross#shout out to this person for continually stealing my shit a few weeks after i do it#thank you for running me out of the fandom <3 im sorry for the friends ill be loosing but im sorry#fred is an amazing actor and i gotta commend him for a lot of stuff but the toxicity just fucking hit yall#fr i lvoe him and Harding is still my fave but damn#a straw has broken my back#imma try and finish these stories and finish
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...
#im pretty sure im having a mild allergic reaction to my tatto0 :-[#its so itchy. like im sure itchiness is normal on some level but i dont think after a week it should b raised and so itchy its hard to slee#it only started to get bad yesterday and i mean im not covered in hives and its not fucked up and red but its not fun#im guessing its a metal allergy? but i got a black tatto0 years ago and thats fine. i guess its whatevers in the blue#so now my whole upper right arm and shoulder r so so itchy. its also possible this is bc i put expired aquaphor on it#but the itching started 1st and all i had was the aquaphor so idk maybe i made it worse or maybe it did nothing#and now ive gotta go to the psychiatrist tomorrow and shes gonna b like: have u broken out in a rash or anything? and ill b like well no#but im extremely itchy for probably unrelated reasons#or maybe this is caused by the lamicta1 and the tattoo didnt cause it. god dammit if she makes me stop taking it ill b sad. i want it to#work :-( ugh#or it could b infected? but each ring is separate so it would b weird if all of them go infected simultaneously#i want it to go away so i dont have to worry abt it tomorrow 😩#unrelated#lab mate: when r u gonna leave today? me considering how long i cab stand it before i have to go home and take my shirt off: uhh idk
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i think i broke a toe 😔😔😔
#i stubbed it so fucking hard im in so much pain#been icing it for like three hours and its only getting worse#what do you do for broken toes? just let them heal? or like#a toe cast#my god its so sore
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#➥ Kaede.#☿ || Music.#/ hold on i'm sobbing over kaede again#/ he's so-#/ i wish and i hope to high heaven#/ that others would love him as much as i do#/ not that anyone doesnt but listen#/ he is easily my saddest muse#/ even more so than vayn#/ and that's *hard* to do when you consider my other muses#/ they're *all* sad for one reason or another#/ but kae....oh kae#/ he's just...he's just a boy#/ he's always just been a boy#/ a child with a broken heart#/ that no one on this earth wants to even try to fix#/ and he's made his peace with that but good golly god FUCK#Spotify
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Yknow with how much some of the fnaf artists pop off with designs of the daycare attendant youd assume the fucker wasnt ugly and cluttered as sin in the game fr fr
#fox screeches#corbin dont look#SERIOUSLY what the fuck#im glad i saw their canon design First bc if i saw some of these id be even worse abt how much i vehemently hate security breach#im sorry to anyone who somehow likes the canon design. but GOD they are ugly. what the fuck.#genuinely you can tell steelwool rushed the game even in the designs. bc the only ones who go hard 100% of the time#are the ones who had designs to work off of like chica bonnie and freddy.#monty and roxy look nice enough when they're not broken. but holy fuck the daycare attendant looks so shit
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like imagine writing characters where it’s just obscene beat down after obscene beat down and nothing comes of it. just misery and betrayal and torture for nothing lmaooooooo it’s just not good. but that’s the reality. you can’t just write that!! I don’t want to write that lmfao I love my characters and they go through hell and have been through shit but so many of them love each other so much and then I’m like. this makes me feel sick because something good comes out of this crap for them. nothing good comes out of crap in life so often!! if I wanted to write how my life actually has been it would be so twisted and useless it would be trash. so I’m just gonna write what I wish would come out of all this fucking stupid suffering and happy cry about it until I die and know that it’s fucking unrealistic to me. For all the fucking suffering its just a fantasy pffffff woooo bitch I love. Them haha
#I spent New Year’s Eve drunk rambling so excitedly about my characters to my poor patient husband pfkfjkfnfkjhfjkfh I love them so much I’m#gonna throw up#pfffffffff#like I love my husband but I still can’t trust myself or him no matter how god damn hard I try#and it’s fine day to day but occasionally I will get so triggered over nothing I will have these massive agonizing breakdowns#for what bitch!#you’re fine!#I just feel so broken lmao#and then I wake up every day so optimistic and then out of nowhere it’s like why#I’m having an absurd breakdown where im hyperventilating and weeping and wailing like a fucking freak dkjdhkjdh#why#bitch help lmaooooo#and EVERY TIME I’m like oh well shit that will never happen again so silly#side eyes myself#shits buried so deep motherfucker fkjfjhkkjfhf#my poor husband lmfao#I’m so cheerful and fine like 99% of the time pflfkjhfkjh
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