Giraffe's Eye View: Christmas Specials Special (2023) | Christmas with the Kranks

Chestnuts are roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost is nipping at your nose. Mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again. All the dogs in the neighborhood somehow learned to bark Jingle Bells in sync. Yet retail workers are still more annoyed with Mariah Carey. Snow is getting shoveled, tossed, and formed into sentient beings leading parades without permits. It makes for an excellent distraction as the Krampus abducts children for bad behavior. Fruitcake is exchanged only to find its permanent home in the garbage. Terrorists have hijacked the Holiday office party right before your boss can give you a Jelly of the Month Club membership as your bonus. And of course, the Turducken has returned to wreak its fiery vengeance upon an unsuspecting world! If all this doesn’t put you in the Christmas spirit, perhaps these following Holiday specials will!

Greetings people of today and robots of tomorrow! It is I, Santa Clark, your geeky giraffe friend with a deep love of Christmas! My obsession for the yuletide is rivaled only by Maleficent’s hatred for it, which is saying a lot considering she once teamed up with Mad Madam Mim to kidnap the literal Spirit of Christmas. Yes, that really happened. I know this due to my annual pilgrimage to the Island of Misfit Specials, home to obscure or nerdy festive media ranging from movies, TV episodes, and comics. It’s no easy journey. Constantly I find myself confronted by sinister snowmen, genocidal gingerbread men, and worst of all, crappy commercials. Getting stabbed in the foot by a candy-cane wielding cookie is one thing, but I swear I’ve seen that ad for Wilbur’s White Elephant Gift Emporium more times than I’ve seen Miracle on 34th Street! Sometimes at night I catch myself reciting that jingle. Wilbur’s White Elephant Gift Emporium: Where Christmas meets Convenience! Huh, maybe Maleficent had a point.

Nah, my deep-rooted appreciation for this time of year can weather even the most moronic marketing! It helps that most of the merry media I’ve seen have put me in the perfect Holiday mood! Examples include the time a Ninja Turtle found himself trapped in a truck full of stollen toys, a drunk department store Santa stumbling onto a wish-granting magic bag, Big Bird nearly becoming a popsicle, Gwenpool waking up in a world where Galactus took the place of jolly ol’ Saint Nicholas, a terrifying tree stump trying to slaughter some saps over a stupid ship war, and the year when Death gave the Little Match Girl the greatest gift of all. Needless to say, I thought I had seen it all. That is, until I took my friends on a trip to the Island, tasking them to find me new, strange, seasonal specials to review! Some of them were fair, finding me festive favorites as comforting as coco in front of the fireplace. Others were fiendish, wanting to feed off my misery like Gremlins after midnight. Regardless of how naughty or nice my companions were, I’ve compiled all of their suggestions into a makeshift advent calendar! So stay tuned everyday until Christmas to see how badly my buddies can shred what little sanity I have left.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my buddies gave to me...

Molly may have been malicious when she suggested Barbie Nutcracker. Claire was cruel when she picked a Care Bears special. Yet neither of them ever sent me crappy Christmas content via the mail. Nah, Alec (@burningthrucelluloid) had them covered. When I was leaving to visit my friend Jart at Disney World last year, the masked maniac was nice enough to send me a box full of goodies. It included a Black Panther t-shirt, a copy of Terry Practhett’s The Colour of Magic to read on the plane, and Christmas with the Kranks on DVD. Based on a book by crime novelist John Grisham and directed by legendary filmmaker Chris Columbus, this feature film is infamously known as one of the worst Holiday movies of all time. The crazed cinephile went out of his way to find it at his local pawn shop after I had jokingly remarked how nobody offered me anything challenging to review. He even scribbled “U WERE WARNED!” on the disc in Sharpie. Et tu, Alec?

Well joke’s on you, sucker! Before this my plan was to continue the anime theme with Tokyo Godfathers, the original picture my pal had picked. Him sending me this was clearly his way of saying he had changed his mind. Let it not be said that Santa Clark isn’t one to acquiesce to one’s demands. He is a generously devious soul after all. Message received, Alec. I hope you’re happy.

You’d make for better company than Luthor (Tim Allen) and Nora (Jamie Lee Curtis) Krank. The film focuses on this miserable married couple coping with their daughter not being home for the Holidays. Tis’ the season for empty nest syndrome! Luthor, especially exhausted by the hustle and bustle every December brings, calculates they could save over $6,000 by simply skipping it. Much as I love the merry month, I get why it can be tiresome for others. Listening to the same songs on the radio at nausea, combating the crowds at OK Mart only to be told that one thing you were looking for was sold out weeks ago, getting the stink eye from that suspicious mall Santa, having to write numerous reviews to appease your amigos, you’re lucky you don’t drop dead by Boxing Day. It’s why I don’t hold any malice against Luthor when he proposes to his wife they go away on a cruise instead. Really, that sounds like fun. What confuses me is him printing out a letter explaining to his peers what he’s planning to do. Dude, who cares that you’re saying goodbye to the Holidays?

Everybody, apparently. From here on out the entire town harasses this hapless duo over their newly appointed Scrooge status. Companions, coworkers, carolers, random children, Boy Scouts, a pervy priest, the students of Canterlot High, two turtle doves, and worst of all, Dan Akroyd! Dude flings himself at Nora’s car for the sake of a plastic snowman. My guy, you weren’t this obsessed back in Ghostbusters, cool it! She’s not a free-roaming vapor! You are making Michael Meyers look relaxed! Matters are made no better by Luthor acting like a massive douchebag. He gets grumpy over the slightest things, angrily argues with everyone he encounters, denies donations to charities, freezes the sidewalk so others fall over, constantly steps on some stupid cat’s tail, puts his wife through undue stress, it’s hard to believe this guy was once Santa Claus! Although I could see him intentionally pushing Kris Kringle off the roof. Even the Grinch would tell this guy to tone it back a bit. He’s an unlikable hero in a sea full of psychos! The Kranks have disturbed the Christmas cult. Only when they consume the sacred eggnog will the masses be appeased!

All of this comes to a head the morning of Christmas Eve when their daughter (Julie Gonzalo) declares she’s coming home that night with her new fiance. Brilliant move kid, wasting your time and parents’ money by flying down to Peru only to immediately return home. Now you’ve put your loving mother and laudable father through more unnecessary turmoil all because you wanted honeyed ham. Sucks for you, Nora couldn’t get one last minute so she had to settle for smoked trout. Remember folks, that is why you keep a spare can of Who Hash on standby! Meanwhile Luthor’s disastrous attempts at decorating result in him nearly getting arrested or dying. Oh no, and to such a nice person! Jeez, even Karma hates the Kranks. Is it too late to tell your daughter you converted to Judaism? Just when all hope seems lost, Danny Boy detects their desperation and rallies the rest of the community to their cause. They’re more than happy to do so after weeks of relentlessly browbeating the non-believers into conforming, just like Jesus intended! Mr. Krank’s so moved by this act of kindness he gladly gives away his cruise tickets to an elderly couple coping with cancer. An elderly couple whose patriarch has been nothing but snide to Luthor every chance he got. So much so they didn’t even bother attending the party despite literally living across the street. Wow, what a shallow sentiment! Don’t go thinking Luthor did this to be a bigger person either, he only did this after his wife dogged him out for being selfish. Right, how dare he try to take you on a luxury cruise in the Bahamas! Selfish bastard! Nora, do us all a favor and get off your high horse. This movie’s morals are so messed up.

So why can’t I say I hate this?

Yeah, I legit had a fun time watching it. Confounding, innit? My only guess why is because of the A-Tier actors giving their all regardless of the material given. That alone is what elevates the movie from tinsel trash to ‘so bad it’s good’. Still, if you’re looking for something whimsical to watch this winter starring the Tool Man, stick to The Santa Clause. Or if you’re still looking for something fresh, try Satoshi Kon’s Tokyo Godfathers. Don’t act surprised Alec, I was still gonna talk about it regardless. Just remember this next time you decide to send me garbage! In the meantime, here’s hoping this picture is more pleasant than what I just watched.

Our pleasant picture begins with three homeless bums finding a baby abandoned in the trash. Fa la la la la la la la la! Like I said earlier, this time of year ain’t so merry and bright for everybody. For some it’s a bitter reminder of all the days and dreams gone by, complimented cruelly by the cold. Promises have been broken, relationships were sunk, and no gift Santa brings can cure the heartache. Certainly that’s the case for our three unlikely heroes. The appropriately named Gin (Jon Avner) is a drunken deadbeat dad who never went home after accumulating too much gambling debt. How could a loser like him ever face his daughter again? Runaway teenager Miyuki (Victoria Grace) is also avoiding her family, having stabbed her police officer dad under the assumption he gave away her cat. Cat people, am I right? Joining them is trans woman Hana (Shakina Nayfack), desperate for a family like either of them had. For the record, everybody refers to Hana as a him, but for the sake of being polite I’m going to use they / them pronouns.

They're overjoyed to find the crying child, proclaiming it's their miracle sent by God. In that spirit Hana names the baby Kiyoko, a reference to the Japanese translation of “Silent Night”. Fun fact, when I was born my own mother sang that song to lull me to sleep, so I approve of the name! Such enthusiasm is understandably not shared by Hana’s companions. Together all three Wise Hobos venture forth to find the kid’s real mother, dealing with their own drama along with the Yakuza, a Spanish speaking assassin, a bar full of helpful angels, alley cats, runaway ambulances, weeping red devils, and some brat throwing cards at monsters at a winter carnival. Eh, I’m sure that last one’s not important.

Unlike that woman jumping off a bridge! Yo Clarence, where were you on that one? How do you expect to earn your wings with this lackluster performance? Joseph’s gonna be pissed. Luckily our leads arrive just in time to stop the suicide attempt, discovering the potential jumper is Sachicko (Larissa Gallagher), who they assume to be Kiyoko’s birth mom. Their trek through Tokyo revealed how Sachicko had a hard life already, making up one half of an abusive relationship and losing her house to a fire. And here Luthor Krank was complaining about putting up a plastic snowman. Obviously this woman is a wounded soul in need of sympathy and compassion. A baby, not so much. You’d have to be downright dumb to hand an innocent infant over to someone ready to end it all five seconds ago! Especially when she’s not the real mother. Turns out Sachicko kidnapped Kiyoko after suffering a miscarriage. O, holy crap! Congratulations Alec, you found something that makes DC Holiday Nightmares look cheery. I came here to have fun, spam it! Now I’m watching Gin, Hana, and Miyuki trying to talk this lady down before she jumps off a building with the baby in tow! In the end our trio triumphs and are rewarded by the the child's actual parents to become her godfathers.

In spite of my snark, this movie is magnificent. Ultimately it’s a bittersweet ballad about the hardships that plague all people. Some crumble under the pressure, destroying their lives even if unintentionally. Others rise to the occasion, making the most out of the horrible hand life dealt them. Be them richer or poorer, cynic or optimist, Ellingboe or Krum, we are all united in the daily struggle to just make sense of the world. Let Christmas stand testament to our better angels winning out. Furthermore, let Tokyo Godfathers be an example of what Satoshi can do. If his other work can so effortlessly pull off humor, heartbreak, and amazingly expressive animation like this one, I clearly need to seek out more! No doubt the masked maniac will be waiting to recommend more in the future. Until then, time to lower our standards. So decrees Mrs. Hopewell!

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