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pinksweatergettingbetter · 6 years

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alright so we’re back with chapter three - the Great Witch

i wonder how much of their memories Nick and Maya have actually recuperated

the whole thing seems a little dodgy...

“This bench looks like a torture tool– shall we try it out on you, Nick?”

why is Maya so bloodthirsty in the game?? i mean she’s mischievous, but...

ahhh their widdle walking sprites are so cuuuute!

hang on– is that a picture-picture of Barnham with his dog?? if so, that should raise a lot of questions...

also why is the only person who *doesnt* comment on the painting Phoenix? he’s the art major.

you know, ive seen plenty of Phoenix X Barnham, and Darklaw X Barnham, but I’ve never seen any Phoenix X Darklaw

i wonder why...

maybe Ive just never come across it

“Mr Wright, are you alright?”

(no response)

he's dead guys the fucking dog killed phoenix wright

luke: I can talk to animals maya: haha omg cool! phoenix, laying in a pool of his own blood: hurgle

wait did maya just call Barnham adorable by proxy

things layton likes: puzzles, stone lanterns

oh fuck i forgot about the puzzles

also what the FUCK muffet

Patty: I believe in your Phoenix

Phoenix, trying not to cry: cool cool cool

aww. its nice to have a moment to just talk about feelings, especially between the sidekicks.

...

...dont go into the forest you little fuckers

maya likes helms..??

“I used to come here with Nick. He’d carry the water pots, and I’d cheer him on!”

that reminds me, theres no plumbing. in fact, since its the middle ages, theres not even any outhouses. maya and phoenix have canonically shit in the streets

DOGS AND CATS, LIVING TOGETHER–

its 12:30 on a school night and I've spent over an hour trying to help a dog deliver mail

oh maya solved that one! thats the first AA solve of the game. ...er, to me.

i dont understand how piccarats work

like, the previous puzzle was 30 piccarats and it was ridiculously easy. this one’ twenty and ive already lost ten points

maybe its to do with how my brain works– the 30 one was a pattern/colour puzzle, and I'm an artist. this one’s about directions, and I'm ASS at directions.

darklaw what are you WEARING

you look like a skimpy medieval furry

seriously what is with the metal skirt on bare thighs

is that supposed to be comfy

man these backgrounds are so beautiful

why did she specifically tell Maya to be wary of witches

“You certainly both love your food. Personally, I’d just like a little more sleep...”

amen bro

oh fuck

Drosselmeyer wants to see Layton. dont let him brainwash ya!

“So this is the deathknell dungeon? Looks more like solitary confinement to me.”

considering the fact that she can see out the door, i doubt its solitary nick. solitary is a sealed box from hell.

Maya: you were just scared that nick would fuck up like always!! because he's an enormous fuck up haha!! Espella: i... no, i think he's really great

Phoenix: ...hey can i change assistants please

OH HO

CLIFF HANGER

one does not simply

visit the storyteller

“come to think of it, during that parade, the storyteller did seem to be held in high esteem by all the townsfolk...”

guys have you not realized that youre literally meeting god yet???

ah see Layton’s got it

c’mon luke keep up

pfft they think Layton’s a hatter

just wearing a tophat does not a hatter make

ah the knights garrison

this is where Chucky stopped playing on his second third-space save

I wonder why...

“And so the travellers finally arrived...”

yeah well first of all??? if you wanted me to get in there faster maybe dont make your door a fucking puzzle maybe

fuck you old man you aint shit

(btw i managed to solve it accidentally in the recommended 4 turns by pressing 3 random buttons and then realizing id somehow succeeded)

Storyteller: [farts suspiciously]

Storyteller: you guys are bad because you stopped me killing children

Layton:

“OOPS”

DUFLUS SHFLS

LUKE ITS OK

I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO BE MAD

Espella: it’s true... that the towns folk look at me in a different way

well for one thing youre a different art style than most of them without being anything usually associated with said art style

oh ok that i was not expecting

she’s,,, jesus???

Maya spitting truths here

wait hang on a second

first of all– “the great witch is just a character of myth” yeah well EVERYONE is a character, Espella

also, she says she came to live with Patty 5 years ago... which is also what Phoenix and Maya said

when their memories all got altered to include phoenix and maya, does that mean they like, had a whole growing-up-together for five years roster of memories?

13 y/o Espella and Maya meeting, bonding over stuff, wondering why only Maya had to make bread and Espella didnt

Phoenix–– hell, in the time frame, he’d be ‘Pheenie’ being their older brother. Acting like his 25 y/o self, or harkening back to those days and acting accordingly??

and how shitty it must’ve been when they realized none of it ever happened.

“Were these things... My memories?”

well probably not considering im pretty sure that tiny kid being flown over was you

i feel bad for nick’s... wherever is getting bitten, but this does lend credence to my headcanon that animals hate phoenix so

also the inquisitor office theme needs to chill the fuck out

“Exactly what are you doing over there on all fours”

dont do that

“He just sits back and lets his dog bite people, err... I mean, me”

he’s lucky nobody flips the fuck out and bites back. i suppose nobody would dare if they knew it was his dog, but still. not very responsible.

“Dr. Delduke” eh

well now

“He was no witch.” “Why?”

“HE was a man.”

( Welp, can’t argue with that. )

hey!!! equality to witches!! boys can be witches too!!

“Maya... can you get this mutt away from me? I can’t feel my leg.”

“Aww... So soon? I was hoping he’d use you as a blue chew toy just one more time.”

ok, seriously, what is UP with Maya? I can’t remember her ever being this violent in the original series. Like, she hit Nick over the head with the shichishito that one time, but she wasn’t constantly wishing harm on him??

as much as i appreciate seeing a tiny maya model i fucking hate the cloud puzzle fuck you for doubling up on it

oh i lucked into the answer awesome

this seems to be a running theme...

every time someone looks at the bell tower, they always comment on the bell never being heard. it must be foreshadowing.

wow Jean is very short

...also I'm calling it now, HE DID IT

hmm Greyerl’s voice actress is a little more noticeable than Luke’s...

also OH OK. the fucking bell tower just MANIFESTED OUT OF PURE FLAMES

THATS COOL

“He reacted in a moster peculiar way. Unlike others who saw it, he seemed unsettled, as if he was truly afraid of something”

oh i dunno, maybe the DEMON BELL TOWER???

Maya: only YOU can fuck up that badly, nick!

ok... genuinely, utterly, seriously, why is Maya so malicious in this game? She does tease Nick a lot throughout the series, but its usually in a more playful or goofy manner. A lot of the things she says in this game seem sort of unnecessary or weirdly hurtful... especially since phoenix hasn’t done much to warrant any of them.

hmm

well, I know what happens to Maya

but what the hell is he doing to Nick?

also I do hope there’s a reeeeeaaaaally good reason for all this...

layton flings out his arm to shut luke up skdgkafajkf

wait why did the owl bring them that

“Luke, my boy... We have the need... to rent a steed.”

LAYTON

oh and they fucking did

“You think that’s bad? You should see Nick try and do the laundry– Now that’s a major blunder!”

see that seems a little more in character somehow

especially since its something that seems like he would fail at.

still, weirdly insult heavy...

hey hey

100 coins

“in an alchemy sense”

shouldn’t that be an ‘alchemical’ sense?

“I guess you’re more suited to small, dark, damp places.”

is that a reference to the mushroom thing??

phoenix, in someone else’s abandoned basement: oh no their house plants are dying :( ill water them

this man??? is pure??

“Well well well. If it isn't a well.”

NICK

“Come to think of it... I haven’t noticed any plumbing here in Laborynthia.”

I WAS RIGHT

THEY SHIT IN THE STREETS

“As things stand, Mr. Wright is in serious danger!”

uh the story said Maya would die, not Phoenix. It said he’d be cursed, but Maya would be tried and burnt. You should probably be more worried about her...

great witch: sup guys I'm gonna fuck shit up

game: the following is too horrifying to look directly at; here, have some shenanigans with Luke and that other bard Bardly was complaining about.

“Birdly”

fuck you perhaps

WHY IS EMEER THERE

NOO

also hi Layton you’re looking a bit uh

a bit

...well this hardly makes any sense

doesn’t Layton appear not long after this? also, it’s easy enough to prove Maya’s not a witch; just hand her the staff and ask her to politely turn Layton back.

that or just cry on him real quick; worked for Ash

bweuuuhhh dont cry luke pls

luuuuke

its ok luke magic isn’t real luke

...though from what I’ve heard of your universe, someone could have used Science to turn him into gold and that could be totally real so

just

c’mon in for a hug lil guy

also see yuh all next time for part... four? i think?

#perusing pl vs aa #ooc

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evenstevensranked · 7 years

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#52: Season 2, Episode 6 - “Broadcast Blues”

Ren enters a contest to become Cynthia Mills’ Junior Reporter. Louis and Twitty devise a plan that includes feeding Beans answers to any question you could think of through an earpiece — Making him seem like a boy genius. Ren falls for it and decides to use Beans for her audition tape story. Yeah, that doesn’t work out too well. Meanwhile, Donnie is tired of seeming dumb and rents a videotape called “Look Smart, Be Smart” - An instructional video on how to appear intelligent.

This episode opens with two contrasting scenes. We see Ren neatly preparing to watch TV, which is interspersed with sped-up shots of Louis and Twitty putting on raincoats and pants like they’re preparing for a flood in Louis’ filthy room. They run downstairs and noisily join Ren on the couch. We find out that Cynthia Mills has become Ren’s new idol and she’s excited to watch her on the 6 o’clock news. That’s a little weird to me. I feel like Cynthia has always been their local news anchor. Out of nowhere, Ren is like “she’s amazing!!” But, eh. Let’s just go with it for the sake of the episode.

Louis and Twitty have a local news idol of their own that they’re excited to watch: Weatherman/“comedian” (I use that word very lightly) Zippy Winds. I'm gonna go ahead and be a wet blanket here, much like Ren in this scene, and say that Zippy is annoying as helllll. Louis and Twitty are acting like toddlers, and I can't help but cringe a bit. Like, Zippy literally seems like a character you'd find on a Playhouse Disney show. If I didn't know any better, I would swear he walked off the set of The Wiggles and right onto the Sacramento news. I know Louis and Twitty can be immature and it's great sometimes... but this always felt a little overkill to me.

Ren is me. Like........ what the heck.

Ren tells Louis and Twitty that she’s going to submit an audition tape to become Cynthia’s Junior Reporter. They realize there’s a chance they could meet Zippy if she won. So, Louis makes her “promise on all that is holy” that she’ll introduce them. The only problem here is that Ren's audition tape is pretty weak. She films a sample news report on whether or not students at Lawrence find the wombat mascot offensive to wombats and other living creatures. She interviews Tawny and Tawny is like “Yes, I’d have to agree with that! If a wombat dressed up like a human and jumped around like a doofus, I’d be pretty insulted.” - Something tells me both Ren and Tawny would be Tumblr Social Justice Warriors if Even Stevens took place in 2017. Back then, they used to call Tawny an “Activist” lol, so probably.

Tawny is also me.

The subplot is introduced with Donnie sneakily watching a VHS tape called "Look Smart, Be Smart." He's apparently tired of being an airhead and wants to be respected for his brain. Good luck with that! This is definitely both my favorite, and objectively the best, Donnie subplot. Which is basically why I've ranked this episode a little higher than I originally thought I would. It's a hysterical side story! The tape comes with a little box of materials. One of the first steps to appearing intelligent is to put on a pair of glasses from the box. Naturally. Donnie's adorable here, though. You can tell that he really feels like the guy on the tape believes in him, lol.

Louis sees the draft of Ren’s audition video and thinks it’s super lame. They’ll never get to meet Zippy if she submits something like that. There’s a bit where Twitty says she should do it on bacon because it’s “crispy, salty and nature’s candy.” Again, they were ahead of the game with the bacon fixation.

Beans comes over and Donnie decides to start trying out some of the new smart tips he’s learned from the tape. Beans asks if he smells bacon, and if I were Beans I’d probably think Donnie spiraled into an existential crisis over the simple question. He thinks back to what the tape taught him:

“When asked a question, don’t blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. Take a moment to ponder, and stroke your chin. Remember! For all anyone knows, you might be a bonafide genius!”

Beans is standing there all confused and just says “What part of bacon don’t you understand?” That’s pretty great, I must say. Donnie responds “Hey! For all you know I might be a bonafide genius!” Bless his soul.

This episode is actually only Beans’ second appearance ever and the first time he shows interest in bacon, btw! He goes into the kitchen and tries to steal some from Louis and Twitty, who are still brainstorming a better sample news story for Ren. Louis tells Beans to get out because he and Twitty are big-boy thinking. So, Beans repeats what Donnie said (The “bonafide genius" line) and Louis immediately gets an idea.

He and Twitty end up feeding information to Beans through an earpiece hidden in a hat. They send him into Ren’s room and have him start spouting information. They quickly trick Ren into thinking he’s a genius, and she right away decides to use Beans for her audition. She records a tape of her asking him super obscure questions, which he miraculously knows the answers to. Much to Louis and Twitty’s excitement, she ends up getting the gig! The only issue is that the station wants her to do the Beans story live on air… and Beans ain’t no real-life genius. Problem.

Louis and Twitty are freaking out trying to find a way around this. Twitty thinks they should just get it over with and tell Ren, he says that she’d understand. Then Louis envisions Ren yanking his ear like an elastic out of anger after hearing the truth. Just another weird gag. (You know I’m not a fan of those.) In the end, they just decide to continue feeding Beans answers and hope for the best. Side note: Louis is extra shouty in this episode for some reason. I have no idea why, but it’s just a little much.

I really just... can’t get on board with this stuff, man.

Donnie starts taking the advice from the “Look Smart, Be Smart” tape very seriously in everyday life. But, it unfortunately only makes him seem even dumber than before. It’s WONDERFUL! And results in what is definitely my favorite scene of the episode. Me explaining or quoting it won’t do it justice, so I’m just gonna embed it here for you to watch:

youtube

Once they get to the news station, Louis and Twitty start freaking out a bit. They have to keep coming up with excuses for Beans and his un-genius-like weirdness. (“He needs his hat to keep his brain warm!” “Bacon is his brain food!”) But their biggest worry is finding a phone jack to connect their laptop to the internet so they can feed Beans information. I know I’ve already said a few times now that technology is really the only thing that’s dated on this show, but... It’s true, lol. Pretty crazy that this was the situation 14 years ago. Today, we all have the internet at our fingertips with data/wifi. They could just throw a Bluetooth earpiece on Beans and feed him everything from their smartphones/a phone call, lol. Dang. Maybe we really are ~futuristic~ today after all.

Donnie decides to try out his smart skills again on Cynthia Mills this time! This is great. It’s clear as day that Cynthia has watched the tape, too. She’s wearing the same glasses, using “cornucopia” in a sentence, and repeating questions back at Donnie. They’re both so confused by each other. It’s a fun bit and another reason why this Donnie plot is so strong. This scene also serves as the first step to #exposing Cynthia as a phony. Ren walks over to Donnie saying “Isn’t Cynthia brilliant?!” and Donnie warns her that she might not be all that Ren thinks she is.

Beans ends up accidentally telling Ren what’s up. She confronts Louis and Twitty and is pretty furious. She comes waltzing into the control room where they’re hiding and they FREAK OUT. It’s actually pretty funny. There is a fabulous Louis Scream here and Shia does that thing where he puts the neck of his shirt over his head. I freaking love it when he does that. I die every time.

The scene moved pretty fast. This is the best screen cap I could get. You get the idea, lol.

Ren says that the point of being a reporter is to tell the truth, so she has an obligation to tell Cynthia what’s really going on. She tries to tell her, but Cynthia cuts her off before she gets a chance to tell the truth. Turns out, Cynthia breaks the news to Ren that she has decided to take over the Beans story to further her career. She’s pretty rude about it. It’s super slimy. Ugh. Sooo, even though Ren was initially po’d at Louis and Twitty for their elaborate scam, she decides to kick back, relax and let the story go to air so that Cynthia looks like a darn fool.

This part is pretty great. Cynthia is so arrogant and excited to have Beans on the show. She introduces him by saying “Socrates, Galileo, Einstein... Bernard Aranguren. Possibly the four greatest minds to have graced this planet.” Incredible. Bean’s immediately follows it up with:

Beans: “Is this my water cup?” Cynthia: “Uh… Yes, it is.” Beans: “Mmmmm! I like water.”

Basically, the story goes down in flames. Beans knows literally nothing and starts climbing all over the desk. Cynthia is distraught. It’s satisfying.

The gang watching Cynthia fail miserably. Same.

The episode ends with Louis and Twitty “meeting” Zippy. He just opens his dressing room door and sprays them with water. They’re fine with that, though. So.

Yeaaaah. Idk, man. I just don’t particularly care for this one too much. Like, I said though.. I LOVEEEE the Donnie plot -- specifically the scene I included here -- and wanted to show him some love. But, as you can see.. that takes up about 1 minute out of 22. So, not exactly enough to save the whole thing for me. At first, I thought it might just be my dislike for Beans that’s clouding my judgment here, but I don’t think so. As I mentioned, Louis and Twitty are next level goofy and it’s yet another episode where Louis is a little selfish. I have to keep reminding myself what I’m basing my rankings on. And of course, one of them is laughs. I, unfortunately, found myself... not laughing... all that much here. :( Well, except for the parts I highlighted.

Chime in via disqus below as usual! :D

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#rank #even stevens #beans #louis stevens #shia labeouf #ren stevens #donnie stevens #disney channel #review #tv show #season 2 #schemin stevens #christy carlson romano #alan twitty #old school #early 2000s #cynthia mills

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