On a lighter, less cranky note, I wonder what kind of "villain fucker" I am

'cause I don't think I line up with anything "typical", admittedly--

I still have all our convos thru text & messanger, i didnt even realize til now or even existence of the still there photo we took together on our 1st date lookin like 2 hot messes lol. Ive done the math correctly this time lol & actually looking at the calendar its another stab to the chest...3 and a half months under the same roof, but almost 6 months together in full...im telling u, it wasn't enough time 😔😭 makes me wanna slit my own throat.😫What the actual fuck!!!🤢🤮

he said this to me earlier this yr 20 days after I moved in.

"To answer your post on Facebook Some change is not bad leaving your comfort zone to better your self is not change it's the right thing to do for your body your mind controls. I've left my comfort zone behind and making changes that impact all around me if you can't see the work I'm putting to make you a better person that your missing the point why we are together to better each other I won't stop trying to make you a better person because I feel some type of way I don't feel about anyone else"

Isn't that what we do everyday, to be better versions of ourselves. We most definitely have changed for the better over time this yr, small amounts at a time...u cannot rush these things or force change onto another.. Though it starts with you for your own betterment, You can't make someone else change or be better if they're a bit stubborn to change little things that may be upsetting, but you can surely help them through it. One has to step into the shoes of the other & realize something isn't right...but how do u help or approach someone struggling with a problem..& bring them out of the darkness, being there for them, a simple hug or cuddle, compromises, a safe space to talk things out...taking action to help them heal is all thats needed. As I reflect on everything we've said to eachother.. I know he cares about me or loves me too at the very least..even if he can't bring himself to ever admit, I know its within and has been apparent many times. He may think he's not good enough for me, or I for him due to my own issues...but everyone has them, it doesn't mean your weak. If one is in a state of weakness the other is there to help them up & assure them that their stronger than they give themselves credit for. And the purpose of going through things good or bad together, learning what to do & what not to do..its all a normal part of the experience..it brings you personal growth & even bring u closer as you go, work out your issuse & become stronger together. When u love someone, u love them with all their scars & wounds, broken or damaged..& would do anything to bring them comfort & pick them up when they're down. This is how I feel toward him. Though I wasnt given alot of support myself, being next to him & holding his hand was all the support I needed most the time, he was my rock as much as I was for him. I was too wrapped up in my own problems to notice he had any of his own..though he hid them well so I had no clue. If u want to be better do it for yourself & it would reflect on those around you. And when you're with someone, you do it together with strength & determination to see it though til u make it through. Im strong without him but still so weak without my rock to guide me. With him I was free but still stuck in my own poisonous prison, it wasn't meant to be his burden too, & his onto mine respectfully. He was stuck within his own walls just as much. We both didn't know how to come out of our individual depressed stinks, incapable of giving we needed, we weren't equipped with the right tools necessary to lift eachother & lost sight of what was important..we quit bettering ourselves & got worse..stuck under 1 roof without much to do..our own personal cell....and not doing anything to help the other, we didn't know how. If I knew then what I know now, it wouldn't have been that way 100%. After a few months there was less trust & eventually we both got scared of what we thought of the other til it got under our skin & I could sense him pulling away. All we needed was to be heard, cared for...and genuinely loved. We were the best of friends the whole way through nevertheless, but we lost eachother in the end, heartbreak hotel ever since. My heart has been putting back the pieces but still burns for his 2,000 miles away. I feel we didn't experience a whole lot..& the story was & still is far from over. I cant help but feel this way, I just can't stop it...its not easy at all to let go of him when he's the missing piece. Its so fucking hard when ur heart is tethered to someone elses. And it hurts so much that I wanna die. But I cant give up, cause if I did he may too. Im lost without him. But even if he's not here beside me, even if I need his warm embrace to tell me im safe from the storm, ill continue to better myself..for my own growth, & for him. I promise this

We lost the battle, but we didn't lose the war. Keep fighting my King of darkness with all your heart & your Queen of light will do the same. I hope to God one day we find eachother on the front lines when the dust settles