#bc it ''puts a responsibility for trauma and unkindness on parents that simply isn't there''
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#cw parent rant incoming#tell me why im having to out of the blue ease my mom's cis guilt over text rn#im. hoough. im tired.#shes apparently been worrying abt having ''messed you up from day one'' bc they assigned me the wrong gender at fuckin birth & now hearing#the words ''assigned [x] at birth'' makes her feel ''on edge and accused''..................#bc it ''puts a responsibility for trauma and unkindness on parents that simply isn't there''#how tf do i say ''yeah i mean you fucked me up real good but also thats not the reason why.'' tf#the reason im traumatized isnt bc im trans. its bc im trans and was raised in a transphobic society that didnt want me to be trans.#why not start with the fact you raised me in a fucking cult??? hm????? THAT was traumatizing. but shed NEVER get that bc shes messed up in#a ton of the same ways -- but bc shes still In It she cant fucking see it#if it were fucking easy to just *play* with gender outside of your agab then it wouldnt be fucking traumatizing to grow up trans!!#thered be nothing to feel guilty for!! if gender roles werent so deeply fucking entrenched in the church and the way i was raised then#it wouldnt have fucking HURT so much not to fit in them!!!! but i cant SAY that it hurt bc then she'd Feel Accused and Wounded and To Blame#FOR THE WRONG DAMN THING. FUCK.#im not accusing you for being a bad parent or some shit just by existing as a trans person?? take responsibility for the shit that YOU DID.#when you did NOTHING *before* i came out to make me feel like i could Exist As A Trans Person? or As A Person that didnt Meet Expectations?#THATS on you. the fact i didnt know For Certain if id be *okay* if i came out?? THATS ON YOU.#theres TONS of shit i can think of that are my parents fault and directly tied to how fucked up i am. BUT ALSO. *THOSE* are never going to#be the things they feel sorry for. bc they think they werent in the wrong. so theyll just feel 'on edge' & 'accused' bc theyre sO justified#hhhhHHH. FUCK.#just out of the fucking blue. immediately after asking what cake i wanted tmrw for my birthday. so. happy early birthday i fucken guess!!#i hate it here.#every time i start to get comfortable and feel lighter and freer to express myself again... theres always fucking something.#theres always fucking something and *IM* the sorry fuck who has to keep the damn peace and smooth everyone elses ruffled fucking feathers#i hate to complain bc i really was afraid itd be so much worse but. but also this still fucking sucks ass? ig i wasnt really expecting that#idk man. maybe its the fact ive been extra fucking dysphoric and been dealing with one helluva rsd spiral the last week or so but. FUCK me#lemme out lemme out lemme out#just have to get thru the end of august and then im. back in school again. not exactly looking forward to thAt part either but at least ill#be AWAY. and with my partner and with my friends and OUT of HERE.#bee speaks
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