The Bachelorette S9E5: Tattletales of a German City
Week 5
Well, hello, week 5! Jaquelyn here for my first BachelorBall blog post!
These guys are on their third or fourth “dates” with the only living breathing female in their vicinity, who is also “dating” the other 11 guys they are spending all their time with right now, so things are getting pretty serious. It’s that time of the season where Bentley and helicopter rides in the United States are becoming so passé. I mean, you can only dance on the side of a building so many times before the thought that you’re on the side of a building in America really starts to get you down. If my fourth date isn’t in Europe, I’m not going. Am I right??
So the guys pull up in a subway car from Atlantic City to their destination for the week—Munich, Germany. Most of them are wearing the same zip-up hoodie in a different color. The wardrobe ladies got a little lazy this week. James enlightens us that, “Munich is a nice city. You know…for…romance.” The cameras zoom in on street signs with long German names on them, foreshadowing what will become the best part of an episode in Germany—listening to everyone try to sound impressive by butchering German words. Yay! Desiree walks into the hotel and, feeling very good about herself, nonchalantly says, “Hey…danke.” as the doors are opened for her. Man, she is so cultured. I mean, remember how when she gives Juan Pablo his rose she always asks him if he will accept it in Spanish?? CULTURED.
But then Chris Harrison gives it all away when he greets the guys. It’s Desiree’s first time in Europe guys. What?? No way. Let’s make sure to talk about this all episode, every chance we get guys. More importantly, though, Chris informs us that there will be a 2-on-1 date this week!
Okay. Pause. 2-on-1 date explanation time. Basically, ABC wanted a way to make three people feel really really awkward and uncomfortable on national television while also adding an element of nerves and a dash of rivalry. And so we have the 2-on-1 date. The one time where the Bachelor/Bachelorette has to follow the rules about giving out roses. Two will go on the date, one will get the rose, and the other will go home. On any other episode the precedent has been set that the Bachelor(ette) can decide whether or not and when and to whom they give out roses if they really want to. But that would ruin the 2-on-1 date. Because it is carefully crafted torture for the two contestants. You’ll see what I mean later. Just know that it’s coming.
After some obligatory oohing and aahing at their Munich hotel room, things get rolling and the first date card arrives. It’s in German, so no one really cares what it says. All that matters is that Chris’ name is at the top. No, not the infinitely more charming and attractive Chris Harrison, boring old Chris Whatever-His-Last-Name-Is. Rachel has inexplicably chosen him as her winner and the other girls seem to be rooting for him too. I really can’t see any appeal in the guy whatsoever. He is so vanilla and boring and normal. I mean, sure, for an actual date in actual real life, maybe, but he is not Bachelor-material!
One-on-One Date: The Most Exciting thing about Chris and Desiree is Bryden
But whatever. Des and What’s-His-Face go on their date. Des tells him that it’s her first time in Europe and he starts to tell her it’s her first time too, but she cuts him off. NO ONE CARES ABOUT ANYONE ELSE’S FIRST TIME IN EUROPE, WHAT’S-YOUR-FACE! ONLY DESIREE! SHE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS A FIRST TIME AT SOMETHING. LOOK HOW CUTE AND NAÏVE SHE IS. LOOK!!
During the commercial, Kylie and Valentina wrestle with a wine cork and some shit goes down at the hotel, because when we get back from the commercial break, Bryden is being a baby again. His talk with Des last week was, “a quick little Band-Aid over a deeper wound that, you know, didn’t really go away.” Oh yes, your deep deep Bachelorette Week 5 wounds. He tells James how he doesn’t think his feelings are progressing as quickly as the other guys’ are and James eggs him on as casually as possible while silently thinking what a sucker Bryden is to be actually caring about having feelings for this girl. (Oh ya, James becomes a villain this week. We are supposed to start hating him now, even if it’s only subconsciously.) Then Bryden makes a more shocking revelation: he will be an even bigger baby and not only leave the show, but interrupt Desiree and Chris’ date to do so.
Cue utter chaos at the viewing party. Cries of agony can be heard for miles. Wine bottles are flying. Brackets are being shredded. Laura and Valentina lament, “You cannot just show up on this show with terrible hair…and leave when you have better hair!” Bryden cannot leave. That will screw over EVERYONE’S brackets! Laura is the only girl who had him anywhere before #5! (How did she do this, by the way? Witchcraft?? He was a friggin’ WAR HERO. Middle America has no choice but to love him. He is supposed to staaaaaay.) Okay, tantrum over.
We cut back to Chris and Desiree unwittingly enjoying their date, shoving meat in each other’s faces and trying on Halloween costumes.
She’s the screamer.
Chris forebodingly and utterly unscriptedly says, “I don’t think anything could go wrong” as Bryden lumbers around Munich, asking strangers where the TV cameras are. More forebodingly, the cameraman zooms in for a long close-up on a gargoyle and music turns dissonant.
I’m not kidding
When Bryden arrives, Chris and Desiree both overenthusiastically agree to their date being interrupted by another one of her boyfriends. I mean, it’s really weird. They both smile and look excited to see Bryden and are all, “I said, ‘anytime, come talk to me!’” It’s weird. Bryden tells Des that she’s a really great person but blah blah blah. Umm. This is not allowed. Why is she okay with this interruption to her date in the first place? Why is Bryden trying to make it seem like he is dumping her? Why couldn’t he wait a few hours for their date to be over? Why is no one mentioning the fact that someone else could’ve come to Germany in his place?
Bryden leaves and Desiree says she’s not going to let this affect her date with Chris and then cries. Chris actually wins some brownie points from me when he knows that when a girl says she doesn’t need to talk about something, she probably does need to talk about it. He comforts her and she says, “there may be guys like Bryden who break my heart...” Ugh. Dude. Your heart is not broken. One of 25 guys who are competing to be with you didn’t immediately fall in love with you. You barely knew him. You will live.
Back at the hotel, the guys receive the date card for the group date. What really matters here is not being on the 2-on-1 date, so they’re all hoping their names are read. #Kasey reads the card: “Will you climb the highest mountain for me?”
Juan Pablo
James
#Kasey
Zak
Brooks
Drew
Mikey
Meaning, Michael and Ben are going on the 2-on-1 date! What crazy luck that the guy they’ve painted as the villain and the guy who has been hell-bent on calling him out are paired up! Michael knows how serious this situation is, “I need to go and now…murder Ben.”
Cut back to: ...are Des and Chris still on that first date? Ugh. Okay. Desiree wears yet another sparkly dress, she gets poetry read to her once again, she falls for it once again, she rewards said poetry with a rose yet again, and they get a private concert by some random singer no one has heard of YET AGAIN. Snore.
Desiree for some reason feels obligated to say, “I’m so happy it was Chris on this date and no one else.” That phrase right there is my personal favorite Bachelorism. “In it for the right reasons” is the obvious close second. Chris says he’s falling in love with Des and it’s cool, she can just say it through her kisses…because she is contractually obligated not to even hint at saying anything close to an opinion out loud. Because that would spoil the game. But it’s not a game. Did you think this was a reality game show? No! This is about love, dammit.
Group Date: Finally that Date with Boring What’s-His-Face is Over
Desiree meets the guys at the base of a mountain and tells them they are going to Zuchpisathchskdlfja (isn’t she cute?), the highest peak in Germany. They get in a gondola and start to climb through the clouds and Desiree aptly points out “It’s almost like we’re just inside of a cloud.” The guys get a yodeling lesson from an adorable old man who we will find out is sexist in the post show teaser clip and Juan Pablo does the only thing he is good for: be adorable while trying to pronounce words. This time it was yodeler.
They all get on sleds on the top of a black diamond mountain and Des makes sure to tell them to be safe. I get the sense that ABC plans the dates thinking that it wouldn’t be a bad thing if they could show another ambulance on their promos…
Wait a second. Juan Pablo. Why is mispronouncing words in multiple languages the only thing we have seen him do this episode? We casually found out that he HAS A DAUGHTER last episode and it still has not even been hinted at again! It must be coming later in the episode…right?
On the group date, the guys and Des are now inside of an igloo mansion castle. They each get their alone time. Brooks (my pick for winner <3) talks about soaking it all in and then babbles awkwardly until she pulls him in for a kiss. She’s so independent. Mikey says he deserves the rose and Zak wanders through the background and then creeps on them carrying two drinks. Then, I’m pretty sure he downs both of them and yodels at her…which is cute. If he hadn’t made the decision to spend the entire first episode shirtless I might not hate him. Zak tells Des he was going to be a priest…until he climbed a mountain…and this is also a mountain…weird! It must be fate! We don’t see Drew get any alone time with her, but we do see him complain to the camera, which Valentina does not stand for. “Drew is way too cute to only be doing confessionals!”
Brooks gets jealous when James talks to Des, “It’s very apparent that she has a relationship with him.” Uh, no duh. That is literally the premise of the show. She has a relationship with multiple guys at once. You knew this when you signed up. Then Brooks complains that James is vulgar so he spies on them kissing. Shockingly, he doesn’t enjoy seeing that. But then, Desiree gives the rose to Brooks!! Woo hoo! I may be in last place right now but this will all turn around when Brooks wins, bitches!! James lies that he doesn’t care about the rose and his inner Guido starts to come out. (We are now entering Phase Two of ABC’s plan to make us start to hate James).
2-on-1 Date: Good Christians and Bad Lawyers
As Ben and Michael prepare for their 2-on-1 date, Ben plans to be a good Christian man and on the whole starts mentioning being Christian a lot. Michael rationalizes his place on the date, “She wants to expose Ben and she wants my help.” He shows us he means business by pulling the ‘he’s a bad dad’ card and the ‘I’m a lawyer’ card before the date even begins. They meet up with Desiree beside an icy lake and she informs them that they will be doing the Polar Bear Plunge like last season only except just kidding!! They are actually going to do an infomercial for ride around in a “Hot Tug,” a genius invention of a hot tub you can put in a lake. You can sit in water in water. Let’s count how many times they say Hot Tug! My favorite part about the Hot Tug is that it makes weird farty noises in the mics while Des recites bad interview questions to them.
Michael has a plan for this date. He will use his lawyer skills and lawyer brain to prove that Ben hates both God and his son. He points out that Ben hasn’t talked about his son as much as Michael thinks he should and that he should really be at home with the kid rather than on the Bachelorette, because Michael’s own father wasn’t around when he was a kid. Also, when everyone else went to Easter, Ben wasn’t there. And there was a Jew there. And a Mormon. (First reference to the fact that Brooks is obviously Mormon.) We were all prepared to hate Ben but Michael looks like a dick and his tactic is definitely backfiring and putting Des in the position of defending Ben. Good job, mister lawyer.
Back at the hotel, James and Mikey are having a love fest while #Kasey and Drew tattle on them to Chris and Brooks. Apparently they were talking about how they will be famous after this no matter what and will have no problem getting jobs and ladies. A totally normal and valid thought…but not one you should say out loud while you’re still in the middle of the competition. Dumbasses. Brooks looks like he is going to throw up for most of the conversation. Poor Brooks <3
A lot of comparisons are made between James and Ben and Phase Three of ABC’s Operation Make-Us-Hate-James has begun. The guys decide that they are going to tattle to Desiree at the cocktail party.
The 2-on-1 date has now progressed to what is historically the most awkward portion: dinner. Michael continues to accuse Ben of being a horrible Godless father who can’t get along with anyone and Desiree continues to uncomfortably defend Ben until he excuses himself and Michael is left looking like an asshole. The weird thing is that Ben seems like he is genuinely upset and we all kind of stop hating Ben so much. Desiree is feeling very uncomfortable in the middle of all this tension and tells us that she might just send them both home. But she just told us that so **spoiler alert** that probably won’t happen.
After the commercial, Michael tries to backpedal now that he realizes this could affect him getting the rose…oh and he also feels bad for making her uncomfortable. Ben plays the victim role perfectly, but Desiree, probably having flashbacks of Tierra from last season, sides with the majority of the guys and gets rid of him, giving Michael the rose even though he just treated another person like shit right in front of her. It’s bullshit is what it is. Because I would have gotten 15 points if Michael went home today! And Ben was my number six!! Desiree, do you not understand how important this date was to me??? Gaahhhhh!
But at least it was a cathartic loss. Ben was a douchebag. In the limo, he basically says that he would have been a great Bachelor next season, “Single dad from Texas!” But #10 does not usually have too great of a chance at becoming the next Bachelor. All the guys cheer when his suitcase gets taken from the house (because the each actually only bring one tiny suitcase…sure). This event solidifies Operation-Hate-James. Now that there is a villain vacuum, ABC has primed James perfectly to fill that void.
Before the Rose Ceremony, Chris Harrison interviews Des. If you didn’t already read 90% of this recap, I would recommend you to just go watch that interview instead because they go over the entire friggin’ episode we just watched. In a surprise twist that has never ever happened before, THERE WILL BE NO COCKTAIL PARTY TONIGHT. What?? How will everyone get drunk enough to be interesting?? How will #Kasey and Drew get their chance to tattle on James??
During the commercial break, we collectively realize that Ben was kinda right. There is no one left who is next Bachelor material. James is the new villain, Mikey is a meathead, Drew is probably gay, Chris is boring, Michael is unattractive and kind of a dick, Zak looks like male Barbie doll that’s not Ken, #Kasey’s name starts with a hashtag, Juan Pablo is foreign, and Brooks is obvi gonna win :). (Ehh, the other girls may not agree with that 100% but I SPEAK FOR ALL OF US TODAY!) The only choice that made sense was Bryden. He left too early for it to make historical sense, but ABC could really play up the fact that he was ‘true to his heart’ and left ‘for the right reasons.’ And also the whole war hero thing. And they could really transform him with a new haircut…
Rose Ceremony
Des says she’s falling in love but *duh* she can’t say with whom. Why do we continue with this pretense? We all know it should be Brooks. But here we go! She chooses, in order:
Zak
#Kasey
Juan Pablo
Drew
(Then Chris Harrison has to come out to tell us it’s the final rose because we can’t count or see)
Which meathead will stay?? Honestly, I have a really hard time telling them apart. Which one is it?
JAMES!
Which means Mikey is going home! Which means I GET POINTS THIS WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And they never got to tattle on James. Boo fucking hoo.
But according to the promo, they will next week! And Desiree will cry. SO MUCH CRYING NEXT WEEK!
Current Scores:
55 points: Alison
50 points: Rachel and Kylie
45 points: Laura and Jaquelyn (me!)
40 points: Negin and Valentina
A few fun facts about the points so far!:
3 correct picks so far: Alison
2 correct picks so far: Laura and Jaquelyn (me!)
1 correct pick so far: Rachel, Kylie, and Negin
0 correct picks so far: Valentina
People with both bonus guys eliminated: Laura and Jaquelyn (me…)
People with one bonus guy left: Rachel, Negin, Alison, and Valentina
People with both bonus guys in tact: Kylie
So basically my bonus guys screwed me over by both leaving by week 4 and I really need to get everything right from now on to have a shot. At least no one has Brooks for their bonus as he will definitely be around 'till the end!
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