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luminisvii · 5 years

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Am I losing my shit about fanfiction again? You BET! It’s time for Tell to lose her goddamn mind about some truly awful fanfic! It’s my blog, I get to do what I want! And that’s to talk about how people are more blessed than they believe since they didn’t read this!

Today I’m going to talk about Super Smash Sisters: Damsel to Hero. Given the title uses a word like Damsel in it and it’s rated M, this is going to be GREAT

content warning for well what do you think a horny man on the internet would write ie: cheating, incest, terrible depictions of women being horny, violence (I don’t explain any of this in detail so you’re welcome. but it is mentioned) I’m not linking this thing because you guys don’t deserve this.

It took me forever to finish the entire fic, and I actually wrote most of this before finishing. You may say “Wait a second Tell, you need to fully read the work in order to discuss it!” No I do NOT. Trust me, this doesn’t need to be finished to understand. I needed moral support for this, I couldn’t have possibly read this by myself. I feel really sorry for my poor friends that have to deal with this horse shit with me because it’s kind of got a bit of je ne sai completely godawful. I’m semi tough and can stomach some senseless nonsense pretty nicely, but the real heroes here are my friends for toughing out the rampant sex and terrible female character writing all mixed with Call of Duty plot and characters. You thought this was about Smash Bros? WRONG!

I know exactly jack about the author, Yamagata, other than they are probably some poor horny straight guy in high school or maybe a genius troll. We just don’t know. Either way they were pretty dedicated. The fic itself is 91,621 words and 45 chapters, and apparently on hiatus but we all know hiatus is just another word for dead. It’s better off that way. All good awful fics end on a cliffhanger.

The premise, as the title implies, is that all the men of Smash are kidnapped by nazis or some shit after a failed drug raid and it’s up to all the women to save them of which there are Zelda, Peach, and Samus because this was written in the Brawl era. You might think “Wait, isn’t that not a lot of female characters?” right you are! The author decides to bring in tons of female characters from all sorts of video games and anime. A personal favorite is a major character in this fic is Bright Noah from Gundam, notably not a woman. I love him! I’m disappointed he hasn’t slapped anyone yet! What’s the point of importing Bright Noah into a fanfic if he isn’t going to deliver a Bright Slap? Sorry folks, there’s gonna be me getting distracted about Gundam once in a while.

I can’t remember exactly what happens because the chapters really blur together quickly. They’re almost always first half violence in COD land and second half really bad lesbian sex scenes. See, the title is a misnomer. The women don’t actually do a lot of hero work. It’s still handled by men. Ones who aren’t even from Smash Bros. Bright Noah and another guy called Hargrove who I’m not familiar with are constantly telling the women what to do and while the women sometimes go on missions to fight Nazis or whatever, half the time we’re following some random male characters. A good friend had no idea one of them was Tuxedo Mask because they used his dub name and we spent like ten chapters with this idiot before realizing it was him. They just spend their time fighting different various enemies from real life as opposed to smash. So the guys fight and then the women all fuck because when your boyfriend is missing you have to immediately bang the nearest female out of grief. It’s not cheating if it’s gay! Even worse is there’s a lot of incest because apparently that’s how women act, too. Also for some reason when the women DO fight it plays exactly like the men’s side but with Bright Noah just telling them what to do. Also for some reason Peach just fucking kills people and I’m not really sure how to deal with that. Like, yeah, I guess.

Let’s try to do a plot recap but that’s going to be difficult because I’m not sure what the plot is. Okay, in theory, I do. But we’re just circling around and doing the same thing so many times that I’m plain lost.

In theory, the plot is as mentioned before. The men of Smash get kidnapped and turned to trophies by Nazis. I’m noting that besides Nazis the men are all brutally murdered in order to turn them into trophies. Then it turns out that Samus, Peach, and Zelda are safe because they were at the Smash Mansion cleaning and having sex as princesses and bounty hunters are known to do. Then they find out from Bright that the men have been kidnapped so they have to form a task force against them. So there’s a long ass paragraph of characters, many of which do not have speaking lines until much later anyway, but they’re all female characters from other games or anime. I’m really into Fire Emblem and there’s a bunch of those so time to cry. Bright has to tell these women to stop being so damn emotional and be ready to start murdering.

Also in the first chapter, we have the reveal of the villain, some Tabuu knock-off named Emerald. She too recruits a ton of villainous characters who all introduce themselves AFTER THEY’VE BEEN RATTLED OFF IN PARAGRAPH FORM. You didn’t get it the first time? They’re all going to painstakingly state their name and identity. Admittedly it’s kind of funny to have Cell in a room with Liquid Snake and Ashnard. Also who invited Valtome? They didn’t even invite Zelgius. Maybe our favorite Begnion General figured out that a certain thirsty ass senator was gonna be there and stayed in bed today. Okay, fewer tangents, I promise.

With the establishing of all the villains and heroes, everything instantly turns to shit. Half the time we’re not even following a group who’s connected to the main characters and when we are with the main characters they are either having terrible sex or shooting nazis. This sounds like it’d be funnier than it is but it’s really Grade A Depressing. I can’t tell what’s going on or why and since I have exactly no knowledge of Call of Duty I’m afraid I don’t know anything about our actual protagonists either. Every chapter starts with some pretentious usually WWII related quote and involves some guys dying and then some ladies bonking. It’s the same format every time and after a while I feel like this is some advanced torture method.

Among the bad sex is for some reason moms are banging their elementary school age daughters because their husbands are out. Women are so horny they’d rather fuck their children than wait long enough for their husbands. It’s so messed up. My eyes naturally glaze over on the sex scenes because they’re kind of clinically written and something about cute pussies or whatever. I feel bad for Bright Noah, he has to break up these badly written orgies to talk more about the nonexistent plot. Bright Noah needs a raise. All in all the sex is something that maybe a 13 year old boy might find hot if he hasn’t managed to read all the other way better smut fics out there. If 13 year old boys even do things like that.

Since there’s no way for me to coherently walk through the plot since each scene hardly seems to amount to anything besides either violence or a roll in the hay, I’ll just have to start briefly talking about the few notable things that happen, probably out of order. Who the fuck even knows what chapters these happened in? I sure don’t!

First off, a lot of the women conscripted into the task force have supernatural powers but they’re just given guns. I also think the author has something for Krystal or whatever since we focus on her a lot for no good reason. The women are also often infiltrating secret bases to nazis or other bad guys that I’m not as well versed in because admittedly I’m not that interested in the history of warfare, modern or old. I just assume this is a COD thing. But in order to infiltrate the bases, they just wave papers at literally every guy they come across and that does it somehow. I started going ballistic and every time they mentioned papers I would start screeching again. They get stopped by some dude and he’s always like “Where are your papers?” and they ALWAYS have the papers and then they go past but the author FEELS THE NEED TO KEEP BRINGING IT UP. It’s like The Black Fucking Mountains again. Something I’ve learned about myself is that I do poorly with overly repetitive writing, so I wonder why I’m reading world’s most repetitive piece ever penned for fun. I can’t recall anything that happens in any chapters.

Somewhere in the mix they actually save Ike, Marth, and Roy. Somehow the most in character thing in the entire fic happens with them when it’s offhandedly mentioned that they sometimes dogpile into the same bed as a joke. What was more shocking to me is that suddenly Ike is a total nuclear bomb genius out of nowhere. Sure, he’s from a medieval fantasy setting, he knows what nukes are. We finally get some more plot. Apparently Emerald is trying to develop some insanely powerful nuke in order to destroy the trophies of the remaining captured heroes. See, she’s holding them ransom so she can get… money? Power? Fame?

Trying to do this from memory is so hard. I did My Inner Life practically all from memory, only going in there for the copy and pasted quotes! What the heck? This fic just slides off my brain. I don’t know if finishing it is even worth it since it’s not like I’m reading any of the sex scenes in detail (I mean why would I, a woman with decent taste, want to read about usagi feeling up chibi usa) and I sure as hell can’t understand the Call of Duty parts so in conclusion this fic really wasn’t targeted at me.

But whatever. So now the main crew has to slaughter their way to bomb storage or development or something. Some of the COD guys died and I didn’t notice, some of the villains died (tragically Valtome was K.I.A.) and all in all too much sex was happening. Seriously, Mist has sex on her brother’s bed, that’s kind of nasty. I don’t know why I’m so hung up on all of that. It’s like the piss drinking thing, it’s a minor offense in a long line of “HOLY FUCKING SHIT” but here’s where I get derailed.

How many times can I say that this fic is terrible? Because it is. I don’t understand who a lot of these characters are and why they’re here or what they’re doing. I managed to read to the end and all that I learned was Shadow the Hedgehog apparently cheated on Rouge with some guy called Makarov who is another major villain. What, so when Rouge cheats on him with another woman it’s fine, but when he cheats on her with a man he gets killed for it? I smell double standard! Don’t worry, I’m a feminist, I support equal rights of everyone getting punished for their perpetual horniness. Still, there’s this shocking turn of events where the men are somehow the ones who aren’t constantly obsessed with sex and the women are going around topless and banging each other constantly while homosexuality in men is seen as evil and wrong. For some reason I think the person who wrote this might be a man. He feels the need to remind us, 40 chapters in, that there will be No Yaoi scenes but plenty of Yuri. No shit dude, like, fuck! I didn’t know!

Towards the end, Washington DC gets overrun by Colombians and the team has to kill them. There’s some drawn out attack sequence where everything is described in monotonous detail with military terms I don’t understand. I have a general revulsion to military weeaboos as they are sometimes called, so this stuff turns my stomach. It also features Kenichi, the main character of the animated Metropolis adaptation, which I DID see a long time ago! This little boy is killing people! It’s fine! Also it mentions Frau Bow from Gundam and discusses that she’s training to fight in a mobile suit to help support, but Peach and Samus are the ones who actually use the mobile suits. Peach kills people in the RX-78-2. I’m not sure how to feel about that. Another aside is King Boo is in the mix and he dies. How do ghosts die? Asking for a friend.

There’s also some weird aside of the COD guys doing an arrest in Disneyland. Gaz, Soap, and Price all go there guns akimbo and chase down some dudes and some people die. I don’t think Disney would like that. This also comes out of nowhere, Gaz was playing fucking Go with this dude called Katsuie and it was practically a smash cut transition of “well I arrested a guy in Disneyland once wanna HEAR about it?” and it was. Something. I don’t understand why we did this.

We end with Krystal and Fox discussing that she’s breaking up with him because while he was held hostage, she got engaged to a woman and is unceremoniously dumping him. The scene was honestly kind of funny for the fact that she was having a lesbian three way in his fucking bathroom and then was like “Yeah we’re not dating anymore. I’m engaged. Later idiot!” while naked. Shortly after it’s decided that they need to bomb some German base, I think. So Bright Noah tells the crew to suit up and get ready, and so Krystal and her Lesbians fly off to go fight. Krystal ends up in a one on one with a dude called Scales who I’m unfamiliar with since I don’t know Star Fox lore but I’m sure it’s super important to Krystal. The duel ends so badly that Fox needs to jump in and he and Scales end up plummeting to their death out a window and also getting blown up by grenades. Fox just fucking died for the girlfriend that cheated on him the second he wasn’t home. Honey, you deserve more than this, and Krystal deserves to be treated better by the narrative as well. He gives his blessing as he’s dying, though, so it’s fine.

The whole thing ends shortly after that. It was never completed, not that I think it could be, since I read all 91k words and I still don’t understand who is who, what’s going on, or why things are happening. Even if I did know all the characters featured I don’t think it’d help. I know about 50% of them and it’s not helpful at all. I completely forgot that Emerald is a thing. She’s the main villain! She’s hardly in it! The guy should have cut the shit and just written

Tell’s recommendation? Don’t read this unless you’re really, truly a masochist. It’s not funny enough most of the time to justify the insanity. It’s sexist and racist. Chapters monotonously drone on with the same things happening almost every time. The bad sex isn’t even funny. Save yourself the trouble and if you really must know, check out the first few chapters only and then call it. The author has other works that I haven’t read but I’m not sure that I will based on the quality of this work, and they also published something as recently as 2017 meaning they could probably rise from the hiatus grave and kick my ass for trash talking them.

One Sentence Review: Bright Noah doesn’t slap anyone.

#don't tell me tell #i gotta think of a tag for when i go feral about fanfiction

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lightsandlostbells · 6 years

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Skam Austin episode 3 reaction

My favorite comment this week on the Skam Austin Facebook page:

Why do you use the font that SPAM uses and say you are in Austin where SPAM is located when you are actually in Austin TX and have no affiliation with #HormelFoods

Hormel Foods, the manufacturer of Spam is located in Austin, Minnesota, for the record.

Episode 3

Clip 1 - Lying in the back of the truck

This scene was actually new. I think it’s supposed to stand it for the Eva/Jonas lying in bed when she kicks him out and her mom comes in, but most of the ideas and dialogue within the scene were original, not borrowed. They didn’t have Meg mention that Zoya said she should break up with Marlon, nothing about Marlon saying she couldn’t live without him though he was similarly dismissive. She does it in a text later, though, and he tells her she wouldn’t last a second without him.

This camerawork does feel like Julie a lot. Especially the overheard of both Meg and Marlon lying down, that’s some total Skam couple vibes. Except early on Meg and Marlon are not touching and aren’t even on the same level, because as a couple … they’re not on the same level, lol.

Well, I considered the dance team to be sports but Meg disagrees with me, I guess. If you’re funded by the athletics department, then I’d say you’re a sports team. (It might vary from school to school but my high school definitely counted the cheerleading and dance teams as part of athletics.)

Meg: Dancing is about art. Marlon: Nah I don’t think so. GODDAMN MARLON FUCK OFFFFFF

I know a high school dance team has a different purpose in mind than like, New York City Ballet, but dance is absolutely an art form. This isn’t controversial, dumbass.

Can you please just be supportive of your girlfriend, Marlon? She found something that might make her happy and she’s socializing with other girls.

Someone in the FB comments said Meg and Marlon are cute together in a way that Eva and Jonas weren’t and like, everyone has a right to their opinion but I’m going to make a PowerPoint detailing my opposing view, which is 100 slides of NOPE.

Clip 2 - Sloooooooow mooooooooo whiiiiiiiiite guyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Meg is actively lying to her mom about being on the dance team. At least she runs into some new friends when her mom says to tell Abby hi.

KELSEY’S EYEBROWS I’M YODELING

There are some parts where Kelsey seems a little too like a sitcom character. It has more to do with the writing/directing than the actress, who’s been doing a decent job and having fun with the role. The bit where she’s like “SOME people in the group” works perfectly fine as a joke on its own - we all recognize the absurdity of her trying to obscure the person’s identity when there are five girls in the group and everyone knows who Kelsey’s got beef with. You don’t need to add on “you know … Zoya” which is just overkill.

Zoya just got them 100 pounds of free cookie dough to raise money for the team. Or… y’all could eat it … not that this is what I would do or anything.

But good job Zoya! And now Kelsey has to reconsider her position on Zoya. Free cookie dough?

He’s called Penetrator Jo??????????????

“Why is he called Penetrator Jo?” “No one knows.” OK …. I actually find that kind of funny but also … really, Julie? That’s far more obvious inside the narrative than calling a character Marlon.

Now we have what is obviously the most important scene of the season according to certain parties: William/Daniel’s introduction.

I have a confession to make. Uhhhh … taken on its own, I sort of like this version of the slow motion montage over the original.

I was never wowed by William’s intro, and this one at least has some tongue-in-cheek choreography with the football players and has Childish Gambino over it (in my version).

But at the same time I’m like really?

I think if I just watched both scenes side by side with no further context, I would prefer this one, because it’s so OTT ridiculous I would assume the director was making a joke. However, knowing the full situation, with S2’s Noorhelm and William depiction, and Julie’s intense love of the character, it does spoil the effect, because Julie really does believe that stuff about William/Daniel being painted as a villain. Like there’s definitely a humorous component to the scene but it doesn’t work as well when the director buys into the character’s hype. Same with Grace’s unimpressed eye roll and her comment about him being a cliche: on its own it’s a welcome voice for the audience, and I’m sure it’s an entertaining comment for the shippers, but knowing that it’s going to be ironic later spoils the effect.

Thinking about it, I also feel the same about the Penetrator Jo comment, maybe. On its own with no context, I’d find it funny - there’s something ridiculous not just about that nickname but by the fact that “no one knows” how he got something that should seemingly be obvious, yeah? Knowing that show ends up being on #TeamPenetrator is not as fun.

And not gonna lie, part of me will just never get Julie’s love of the William character when she has created so many more well-rounded, interesting, unique characters, and William is a well-worn trope played straight.

On that note, I see the complaints that this is like a very typical American teen drama, and on the one hand I can’t argue with that, popular football player all the girls thirst over is a pretty common trope. But also, lol … the original was just like this, the William character and the Noora/William relationship were the most CW-ish parts of the show. No matter whether you liked them or not!

Neither William nor Daniel are really my type so I’m not hung up on stuff like whether the actor is hot enough. He’s kind of just like … a generically attractive white boy. I saw four of those at Steak ’n Shake the other night. Not trying to be mean, I get why girls would like him, and I really don’t care about anyone’s appearance on this show. His bone structure does seem above average.

Girl Jo is so cute. “He has a lot of shirtless pics.” “She has places to be, that’s like, adult stuff.”

She is getting a little passive-aggressive with using Kelsey as her cosmetic guinea pig. Kelsey is kind of a pushover, isn’t she? There’s a dynamic to explore there, where the two of them are obviously BFFs but Kelsey is letting Jo commit atrocities on her face. I wonder if that will build to anything or it’ll be a running gag. Maybe Daniel, instead of telling Kelsey she’s not pretty or good enough, will just be like your brows are NOT on fleek.

Clip 3 - Marlon and his crew are the worst

Shay: “I don’t know why we’re arguing about this, you’re freaking rich...ly, killing it in that sweater.” Marlon is selling his Adderall, I’m calling it now. Shay doesn’t want to draw attention to the fact that Marlon has some spare change accumulating from somewhere. I guess Abby could be buying from him and that’s why she was all CALL ME?

That’s not a bad change at all from the source material. Because while smoking weed can get you in trouble, selling drugs can get you into even more trouble. It would also be thematically relevant to the theme of pressure, do everything to succeed, be a winner not a loser, etc.

The way they’re sitting is so (intentionally) awkward with Megan clearly on the outside of their little group dynamic and on a lower level.

They are eating the pizza and someone presumably paid for it already, so this is a strange conversation to have, but then again I have ordered takeout plenty of times with friends where one of us paid upfront and then the rest of us paid them back or covered them. I guess Marlon could have paid for it at the door? Still kind of a weird conversation when you consider they could have been like … looking at the menu and talking about what to order and arguing about who’s gonna pay.

Marlon is SUCH an asshole. DUMP HIM. He started to make fun of her about her dance team in front of his friends. Meg gives Marlon’s crappy music her attention, he can’t support her in her dance team?

This scene made it really clear that it’s not a situation similar to Eva, where yeah, Jonas and Isak did gang up on her and could be mean to her, but she was still a part of the trio. We saw them eat together, go to movies together, have little jokes together. Eva was friends with Isak. Megan is only here for Marlon. Tyler and Shay aren’t her friends.

Some of the joking here - like Tyler saying, “Wait, Megan, you actually became a stripper? You took my advice, bro” - in another context I could see that being fine, like if Tyler was saying that to Shay, it’s just friends taking the piss out of each other, but he and Megan aren’t good enough friends for that not to have any tension or awkwardness.

Marlon being like “I’ve tried to convince her that team sports brainwash people … guess they already got to her though” is so so insensitive. Jackass! This was something that made her happy and she had to give it up FOR YOU.

I am so so glad that she called him out though, and she’s right. He’s got a limited set of talking points.

But it sucks that Shay and Tyler got in on it and called her out. Her attitude about the Kittens was clearly motivated by hurt and resentment over what she’s lost and a person who has since made her feel like shit, not her overall attitude toward sports teams. I would think they would know that much since they have to be somewhat familiar with the Megan-Abby drama. Tyler especially takes it too far when this is not a comfortable situation for Megto be in, she’s not included in anything, she’s just the girlfriend who’s there. Like I do not blame Megan at all for having some interest in Jo, because even if he’s sleazy, he’s the one who’s paying her compliments.

Clip 4 - Party invite

Julie continues with her tradition of “shooting the protagonist from behind as they walk somewhere.”

Kelsey’s eyebrows aksdfalsjnd

“I’m only waxing my mom’s chin so” Jooooooo.

Zoya telling Kelsey to chill and Kelsey immediately trying to chill … I feel like she wants to impress and go along with Zoya more than Vilde did with Sana. Kelsey seems like more of a people pleaser.

See, I heard people complaining that Zoya is too mean (and IDK, there might be some stuff to unpack there) but I felt in this scene she made her intentions pretty clear, that she was trying to help Kelsey calm down and not embarrass herself in front of the football guys, whereas Sana’s motives were probably the same but weren’t laid out like that and Vilde got pissed off at her.

I was kinda hoping that Zoya would be like “You are a hot girl” to Kelsey specifically but it’s nice she referred to the whole group as the hot girls. The only part I found excessively mean was the bit about Kelsey’s eyebrows (and I mean … she’s not wrong, but tact).

Jo is in love with Zoya.

It was sort of random that we pulled back a little and just watched Jo and Kelsey talk about her eyebrows, I mean that kind of casual conversation is fine, it was just the physical distance that was odd when so much of this series relies on closeups. We didn’t even see Meg’s reaction, not even to show Megan and Grace being like well, we’re done with this conversation and walking away.

There was an IG pic of the girls with Kelsey covering her eyebrows, which is adorable, but I’m not sure when the pic was taken because Meg is shown walking up at the start of the clip and Meg and Grace walk away at the end, and it looks like they’re in the same location. I guess Meg ran back to take a group selfie.

Clip 5 - American teen party with red Solo cups

I was wondering how they’d do the slow motion walk since I mean… they’d probably have to drive to the party, lol. And they did have them in the car! With the girls having a good time and Grace in the backseat looking awkward.

Actually I’m really glad Julie didn’t full on recreate one of the most iconic scenes of the original show, I prefer that she gave it a different spin. I don’t think this version of the scene will stick in my mind as much as the OG, but this does feel, well, American and relevant to the culture.

All the girls look great. I’m really digging Zoya’s hoops.

If anyone cares to know what I hissed at Daniel when he was checking out Kelsey.

I like how Abby seemed like she’s holding court among the Kittens.

I hate Marlon/Meg so much that even Meg/”Don’t be a cocktease” Jo is preferable. Though neither is the best option.

Part of me is like SIIIIIIIIGH at them not going to address Kelsey’s religion at all. It’s not that every Christian has to be abstinent or anything, I know Christian girls who were big on partying and had premarital sex. It’s that this is a big opportunity to shake up the story and add another dimension to the situation, and I feel like it won’t be addressed. I’d love if they at least talked about it in the next episode, if Kelsey’s trying to lose her virginity to Daniel and acquire birth control.

“I touch my friend’s boobs all the time” LISTEN UP JULIE ANDEM. Please let Jo be not straight. Please let Jo and Shay interact and possibly date. Both of those characters have some of the most personality on the show, it’d be a hit. Skam France set the precedent and made the equivalent character bi, YOU CAN DO IT.

I am overjoyed that so many people seemed to share my opinion of the world peace guy, which is Daniel who? Penetrator what? Give us more of THIS rando.

Honestly in his limited screen time, he has some decent comedic timing? He might be funny as the Magnus character.

That whole conversation was the highlight of the clip, the episode, and the series so far.

This is super random but I’m glad Meg and Grace went to the bathroom together because like … yes, that is what you do when you’re girls who are awkwardly standing around at parties. Bathroom solidarity. And actually that’s a good setup for Grace leaving Meg alone and Jo getting to her rather than Noora ditching Eva to take a phone call.

Marlon’s last name is Frazier for anyone curious.

“There’s another bathroom upstairs I can show you.” Smooth.

Zoya adding some food coloring into her Abby attack was an upgrade, particularly when the target’s in a white shirt.

Jo taking off her earrings once the fight starts - she is the beeeest.

The shot of the girls climbing into the car is really cute to me, IDK.

I thought this was a fun clip but admittedly that’s 90% because Jo is a gem.

General Comments:

Some of me wonders … what if Tyler has it bad for Marlon and Shay has it for Meg? Tyler being “clingy” in the gc according to Marlon (which is just Marlon’s opinion and may not be that serious, to be sure) and Shay is noticeably nicer to Meg than Tyler is. I think.

Actually that text about Meg being added to their group chat made me cringe. They really aren’t welcoming to her. Meg has been dating Marlon since at least February - I’m pretty sure it was more like Christmas - and he’s only now adding her to the chat. Okay.

When Isak contacted Eva on Skype in episode 1, it seemed like he just wanted to chat with her. I guess maybe he wanted to sniff out if Jonas was there but he didn’t ask about it first, and he and Eva laughed about the Pepsi Max girls, and when he saw Eva was sad, he tried to give her some advice about talking to Ingrid. It was definitely a friendly conversation. When Shay did the same call, she asked where Marlon was, and after Meg said she didn’t know, Shay quickly said she had to go. It wasn’t a friendly, just-to-talk conversation. Meg tried to extend the conversation a little longer by talking about the Kittens - this makes me sad because it felt like she really needed to talk to someone, and Shay’s response isn’t that supportive or like she knows the magnitude of the situation with Megan and Abby. It makes me wonder because Eva was close enough to Isak to confide in him, and Meg will probably do that with Shay, but I don’t feel their relationship is as tight on its own terms to merit that.

I do find all the viewer comments on Meg and Marlon’s IG pics that are like “He’s cheating on you!” and “Why are you lying to her?” to be very funny and endearing.

Some of the FB comments about Zoya’s character … have some implications, like I haven’t seen anything outright Islamophobic, but there is a sense of “she’s too aggressive/too mean” and some of it is hard to judge whether it’s a fair assessment of her character thus far and how much of it is code for “she’s a mouthy black Muslim.”

It also got me thinking because all of the Noora/William combos have been white across the remakes, and IDK, I think it’d be great if the big man on campus that all the girls found attractive was a MOC, but also - can you imagine if a William was black and how differently he would be judged on his behavior, provided it was the same as in the original? The black guy heartlessly using and throwing aside the sweet virginal white girl? Or the black guy relentlessly pursuing the white girl who said she wasn’t interested? Or the black guy smashing a bottle over a guy’s head? I feel like a black William would reveal some ... enlightening viewer reaction. To put it mildly.

Jo is the most popular character by a landslide according to a poll on the FB group and that does not surprise me in the slightest. I’d be a little interested to know who was the most popular character so far in the original Skam. My guess is that opinions would be more widely spread.

Her IG posts/stories with Kelsey’s makeover and eating with the girls are really cute, btw.

I don’t really know how to judge the ratings because Facebook Watch is largely untested as a streaming platform, but there seem to be at least 1,000-2,000 new users following the show per day, maybe more (though stuff like fake/spam accounts need to be taken into consideration) and the full episodes are getting far more hits than the individual clips.

#skamus reactions #skam austin reactions

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aion-rsa · 4 years

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Is New Mutants an Ending for the Fox X-Men Universe?

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Ever since the success of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, I’ve been absolutely fascinated by any and all attempts for studios to create and navigate an expanded universe. Whether it’s based on superheroes or the supernatural, we’ve seen more Goofuses than Galants. Whatever your opinion of the Marvel movies, you have to at least admit that it worked out fantastically for Disney. They figured out a formula and it was a success.

Meanwhile, Amazing Spider-Man 2 got rewritten into oblivion, failed, and Sony buried their expansion plans until Venom became a surprise hit. Warner Bros. and DC rushed into their own shared cinematic universe with Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice and Justice League, stumbled, recovered, and now seem confused about their future. The Wizarding World took a perfectly fine and self-contained spinoff, then gave it a sequel that went overboard in needless Harry Potter prequel reveals. Then Universal Dark Universe…was…yeah, that didn’t really even happen.

But Fox’s X-Men? That movie franchise came before all those others and it’s possibly the most bizarre and interesting as a whole. Even with everything surrounding the Justice League “Snyder Cut.” It’s a superhero series with 20 years, 13 movies, and no more future now that Disney owns what is now known as 20th Century Studios.

The legacy of the X-Men movie franchise is a wild ride. There were two beloved movies to kick things off with a third that, at best, can be considered awkward. They attempted a prequel based on their most popular character with X-Men Origins: Wolverine (which backfired) but they got their footing thanks to a different prequel based on the team itself. With a somewhat forgettable Wolverine sequel in the can, they then did the closest thing the X-Men series had to an Avengers-style crossover event movie.

After that, we finally got the Deadpool spinoff movie that Fox was so reluctant to do, yet not only made them huge bank, but made them realize they could branch out. We got another main X-Men movie, a super-violent Wolverine finale, a Deadpool sequel, and production of two more movies that were muddily mixed with Disney’s purchase of Fox.

Throughout all of that, the movies weren’t totally coherent as a single narrative. Even if you ignore the general meta-ness of the Deadpool movies, the X-Men Cinematic Universe kept trying to apply Band-Aids when their continuity could never even hope for an open-casket funeral.

Dark Phoenix and New Mutants were filmed around the same time. The intent was for New Mutants to come out first, but it’s long become infamous for being the Duke Nukem Forever of mutant movies, getting pushed back repeatedly for a variety of reasons. That left Dark Phoenix as the “finale” for the X-Men Cinematic Universe.

But Dark Phoenix brought the franchise out with a whimper. Much of it had to do with Simon Kinberg trying to tell the same story that he did in X-Men: The Last Stand and not doing much better, if at all. Despite featuring big Hollywood names, almost everyone involved seemed to have checked out and Mystique’s death was telegraphed from the very first trailer.

The movie did scrap its downer ending of Xavier surveying the empty wreckage of his school for something more optimistic and fitting for a finale. Fitting enough, at least. Xavier left the school in Beast’s hands (or was kicked out) and went on to have a peaceful chess game with Magneto. All the while, we could see the Phoenix in the day sky with Jean doing a monologue.

As if referencing the X-Men’s new cinematic future underneath the Disney banner, Jean left us with, “This is not the end of me or the X-Men. This is a new beginning.” There would be no post-credits scene.

It felt defeated and accepting that it was the end of the line, but also felt flat. It was an ending, but it was an ending that felt anything but fresh.

Now, New Mutants was supposed to be the beginning of a trilogy, but watching it as the final X-Men film…it felt like the cusp of something more.

Despite being a new property, New Mutants immediately ties into the greater X-Men Cinematic Universe. An older version of Sunspot was featured briefly in X-Men: Days of Future Past and Illyana Rasputin – while not mentioned – is Colossus’ sister. Now, after all the delays and the realization that Disney was still going to release this baby in theaters during the pandemic, there was an outside chance that they could have made this some kind of introduction to mutants in the MCU via clever editing and reshoots.

Except they didn’t do that.

Direct allusions to Charles Xavier and the X-Men show up about a third into the movie. This was definitely part of Fox’s reality. But it also seemed like it was latching onto the various properties. We already had a connection to X-Men’s big “event” movie and that family connection, but the unseen greater evil of New Mutants is something we’ve seen not only in other X-movies, but in the very different X-movie properties, including the ones that haven’t been fully confirmed as canon to each other.

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A funny thing about New Mutants is that despite being based on a specific X-Men offshoot team from the comics, the basic plot is more reminiscent of the comic series Avengers Academy. We’re supposed to think that all these youngsters are ultimately training to be X-Men with potential to be great heroes. Instead, the big twist is that they aren’t being prepared for Charles Xavier’s school. Instead, they’re being prepared as dangerous supervillains with a future as minions for the Essex Corporation.

That’s Essex as in Nathaniel Essex. As in Mr. Sinister.

After 20 years, the overdressed mutant mastermind is the most prominent villain not to show up in any of these movies. Rumors claim that we were supposed to get John Hamm to play him in at least a teaser, but there are conflicting reports on that. It’s also been said that he was going to be a major player in the Gambit movie that never got off the ground.

Even though Sinister is nowhere to be found in the film, his fingerprints are all over the X-Men Cinematic Universe of the past several years. X-Men: Apocalypse had a post-credits scene showing the cleanup of a Weapon X site where Wolverine went on a rampage. One man takes a few vials of blood and puts them in a briefcase with “ESSEX CORP.” inscribed on it.

The only Wolverine-related movie to follow that was Logan, which sometimes suggested that it possibly wasn’t in the same reality as the other X-Men movies. Outside of the first movie’s climax being referenced and a deleted scene shout out to Sabretooth, the X-Men were depicted as more fiction than fact when it came to their colorful flashiness. It was still a world of fantastic elements, like cloning, cyborgs, and kids with special powers.

In this dystopia, we saw a group of biologically-engineered mutant children being trained as weapons in some shady facility. New Mutants connected the dots. With her own version of telepathy, Dani Moonstar had flashes of moments from Logan – straight-up reused footage, even – that made it very apparent that the place that created X-23 was none other than part of the Essex Corporation. Or that the place that would one day create X-23. The timeline situation is iffy as is.

Essex also had his finger in the delicious pie that is Deadpool 2. The movie’s plot revolves around Deadpool’s attempt to save the soul of Russel Collins, AKA Firefist. They didn’t make a big deal out of the place’s name, but Russel was brought up in the Essex House for Mutant Rehabilitation. Once again, another corrupt place that tried to experiment on and control young mutants with the Essex seal of approval. In the end, that place was destroyed and all of the students were brought to the X-Mansion.

New Mutants ends with the five protagonists free from imprisonment, with an uncertain future ahead of them. It’s a better ending than Dark Phoenix, in my opinion. It’s an ending that suggests that this disjointed mutant reality filled with retcon after retcon after retcon was actually building towards something truly climactic.

Mainline X-Men. Deadpool and X-Force. The New Mutants. The dystopian future of Logan. Four very different pieces that could have potentially come together in one adventure with the sinister smile of an ominous supervillain opposing them. X-Men: Endgame, essentially. A major finale is off on the horizon, never to be fully realized, but one where all the aspects of the Fox X-Men collective could have saved the future for a third time.

Who knows? Maybe we’ll get it in comic form one day.

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Ridley Scott’s Blade Runner came out 35 years ago to mixed reviews, but these days most people consider it a scifi masterpiece. However, it’s also a film that occasionally happens to be a blind spot for some nerdy film fans. When we at io9 discovered we were employing not one, but two people who had never seen the film, we had to take steps to rectify the situation immediately.

The guilty parties are io9 staff writers Beth Elderkin and Charles Pulliam-Moore, who we forced to watch Blade Runner last week. Then we asked them what they thought about Ridley Scott’s 1982 film after experiencing it for the first time in 2017. It’s wide-ranging conversation that touches upon the burden of three-plus decades of hype, unicorn dreams, Android phones, artificial intelligence, the Deckard/Replicant debate, and, of course, how they feel about the upcoming sequel now that they’ve finally seen the original.

Germain Lussier: Before we talk about what you both thought about Blade Runner, what were your expectations about the movie going into it?

Beth Elderkin: I figured I was going to love or hate the original Blade Runner. There’s a real polarization surrounding the film that seems to have only increased over time. It’s either genius or terribly overrated.

Charles Pulliam-Moore: To be perfectly honest, I didn’t think that I’d really care for Blade Runner all that much because it’s one of those movies that, as a person coming to it so late, I’d heard so much about from diehard fans. Blade Runner’s one of those pop culture “must-watches” that I always ended up putting off because people love to bring it up and insist on telling you how seminal it is.

Beth: Yeah, Charles, I think the diehard fandom around the film turned me off more than anything else. It was like the bar of reaction had been set so high I had to play catch-up in order for my opinion about the film to be taken seriously.

Charles: Same! I’ve sat through my fair share of debates about which cut of the film is superior and I totally get how, for fans, that kind of back and forth is fun. But as an outsider it sort of cast the movie in a somewhat negative light. “Negative” is too harsh a word, but in my head, I always assumed that watching Blade Runner properly would mean going back, watching each version, and then coming up with some grand thesis about which Blade Runner is THE Blade Runner.

Beth: What cut did you watch?

Charles: The Final Cut.

Beth: Me too! I realized we didn’t actually talk about the different cuts ahead of time, but it’s interesting we chose the same one. People are so passionate about that part. Everyone I talked to about the movie had an opinion about what version to watch. In the end, I went with the Final Cut because no one talked to me about that one. I figured that made it more of a middle ground.

Charles: It was just the first one I saw in the store, haha. As a last point to your follow-up, Beth. I love the concept of Blade Runner being a living, breathing piece of art that’s grown and evolved over the past 35 years. But, again, when you bring it back to the fandom, it all just seems like w-o-r-k.

Germain: The Final Cut is kind of the culmination of all the different cuts, so it’s probably best you both watched that one. So, now that you’ve seen it what did you think? Did you like it? Was it overhyped? Lay it on me.

Beth: I enjoyed Blade Runner just fine, but more as a representation of works that followed rather than the movie itself. Perhaps that’s a little unfair to the film but, to be honest, it didn’t really grab me the way fans told me it would. I really loved the moments when I could look at the film and see exactly how it influenced later products—it was ahead of its time, and it shows. But as far as the film by itself, I was kind of bored.

Charles: It’s fine! Another one of the consequences of having waited to sit down and watch it properly is seeing just how much of an influence the movie’s had over subsequent scifi film and television, and having to remind myself that Blade Runner isn’t the iterative work.

Beth: There were elements I really admired about the film. I actually loved how small the stakes were. Hear me out: The conflict wasn’t a giant Westworld-style robot takeover, with piles of bodies strewn everywhere, but rather just a couple of Replicants wanting to live a few more years. In many other films or shows, this would be a side plot. But here, it’s given the time, attention, and space it deserves to explore their growth and internal conflicts.

Charles: There’s a dead, haziness to the movie’s aesthetic that might have been novel at the time, but it’s since become our visual shorthand for dystopia. I instinctively liked it because it was familiar, but that familiarity also annoyed me because, like I said, that’s the visual language we use to craft futuristic end times.

Beth: Charles, I cracked up when, during the only scene in the daytime in Tyrell’s tower, the first thing Deckard says is, “It’s too bright, draw the shades.” All night time all the time. Daytime doesn’t exist in dystopia.

Charles: No, no it does not.

Beth: The lighting really created a sense of tension, indicating that someone was always watching. And, combined with the pressing crowds that were always present in the action sequences, there’s this overwhelming uncomfortableness that makes you feel like you’re never alone. Then, by the time it’s just Deckard and Roy, it’s just the two of them. You end up feeling the weight of Roy’s words more because everything else has died away.

It’s a small thing, but I also loved the reflection in the eyes.

Charles: In Rachel’s?

Beth: And the owl’s. And, for a moment, Deckard’s. I saw Deckard have that reflection for just a moment, which I’m sure lent credence to the “Oh, he’s a Replicant too!” argument, which... maybe?

Was there anything else that caught your eye, Charles?

Charles: Hmm. Technically speaking it wasn’t really my eye, but I got a bit of a chuckle out of the Replicants being Nexus-6 models. (Said the recovering Android nerd.) I remember seeing this headline years ago and my eyes glazing over when I saw Blade Runner:

But that’s another example of the film casting this ridiculously long shadow.

Germain: Charles, Beth talked a bit about the story, but what did you think of the story? It seems like you both enjoyed the film aesthetically.

Charles: So one of the things that actually surprised me was how little time the movie spent having its human characters consider the Replicants’ humanity (or at least the idea of it), which is where a lot of fiction about androids and such tends to veer these days.

There’s a distinct inhumanity and stiffness to all of the Replicants that codes them as being non-human. It feels heavy-handed at first, but as the movie went on, I came around to the idea that Ridley Scott was intentionally trying to “other” them, you know? As if he was trying to force us to consider the innate humanness of the movie’s central plot about Deckard hunting them while they’re trying to extend their lifespans.

Beth: I did not care for the “Voight-Kampff” test, as I don’t feel like it’d be an accurate way to detect humanity.

Charles: SAME. The idea that people couldn’t pick Replicants out just by looking at them seemed like bullshit.

Beth: Couldn’t they just have a blood test or something? I mean they put barcodes on the scales of snakes, surely they can add one to skin flakes or blood cells.

Charles: Again, though, this is one of those things that subsequent things inspired by Blade Runner have taught us to consider.

Beth: I was curious what would happen if someone with sociopathy would take the exam. I mean, they’re not going to care about some damn turtle.

Charles: Speaking of sociopaths. Can we also talk about the performances? I’m of the strong opinion that they’re... not great.

Beth: Are we talking about Deckard? I’ve got thoughts about Deckard.

Deckard isn’t a very interesting protagonist. I feel like the “Deckard is a Replicant” argument kind of serves as a buffer to justify the fact that his character doesn’t really engage the audience, which is weird because Harrison Ford is a really charismatic actor. The only time he really emotes is when he sexually assaults Rachael, which… oh boy, let’s just not.

Charles: I meant more the cast as a whole.

Beth: I thought Roy and Rachel were great; everyone else was okay I guess. I don’t know what they did with Rachel’s voice, but she always sounded unearthly and disconnected from the scene, but in a way that made sense for the narrative.

But as far as what I really didn’t care for, it comes down to pacing. The movie moves very strangely. It’s slow and yet not slow. I can’t quite put my finger on it. You can tell the movie’s been through multiple edits because the pace is very uneven, and there are obvious mistakes as a result.

Charles: There’s a distinct lack of charisma from most of the movie’s cast that I’m assuming is intentional, but it left me rolling my eyes because it gave the film a very distinct “thought experiment” vibe. That, as opposed to trying to feel like a world grounded in any sort of reality.

Beth: That’s a very film noir vibe.

Charles: But it’s things like that which make Blade Runner feel a little too self-serious for my tastes. You can hear the film and philosophy students off in the distance muttering to one another: “What does it MEAN to be human?” Spare me.

Beth: What were your thoughts on the toymaker? That whole scene with the toys was so jarring. Like, what was the purpose of him being surrounded by weird toys? To represent that he saw Replicants as toys? We didn’t really get an indication that’s how he felt in what he actually said and did. It felt like the set dressing was trying to create something that wasn’t supported by his words or actions.

Charles: I’m gonna assume Ridley Scott’s a fan of the toymaker and was trying to construct a scene that was as creepy as it was pseudo-deep about the relationship between sentient beings and their creators.

Beth: I liked the character just fine, and was sad that he died. I didn’t like the way his character was framed by his environment.

To be honest, the only scene that truly matters to me is the final one between Deckard and Roy, just the two of them talking at the end of a man’s life. Everything else was a mixture of okay to pretty good to “Oh god get it away from me.”

Germain: We’ll get back to that but before we lose it, Beth, you mentioned the “Deckard is a Replicant” thing which, of course, is a huge pop culture debate. I’m wondering what you both thought of the debate itself beforehand, and where you come down on the debate now that you’ve seen the film.

Beth: If he’s a Replicant, how come he’s still alive in the sequel?

Charles: God, this makes me tired.

Beth: I didn’t really have an opinion about it beforehand because I wanted to let the narrative inform me and, in the end, I still don’t know. I mean, I’m leaning “Yes” mainly because I later read that Ridley Scott says he’s pro-Replicant, but I think the argument can be made either way. I do think Harrison Ford’s acting wasn’t that engaging and that fueled the fervor.

Charles: Before having seen the film, the question didn’t really interest me all that much and it does less so now. Part of that’s because I never developed much of an attachment to Deckard, but it’s also because I don’t really think that it matters all that much to the story? Like, my experience of Blade Runner isn’t really changed either way.

Germain: Just so you know: The original cut of the film didn’t have the unicorn dream. He has the dream in the Final Cut (and Director’s Cut), and then Gaff leaves him an origami unicorn, suggesting Deckard’s memories are artificial, because Gaff seems to know about them.

Charles: A question. Why couldn’t he just dream about unicorns?

Beth: Exactly! Unicorns are awesome.

Charles: Why does it have to be related to the origami unicorn?

Germain: Because it would be pretty coincidental that his colleague would guess that he has dreams about unicorns, right? This is why there’s no answer to the question... or is there? IN THEATERS FRIDAY.

Charles: And herein lies my beef with Blade Runner as a whole. Figuring out whether Deckard is actually a Replicant was the only reason I finally sat down and watched this movie and when everything had actually been laid out, the “raging debate” about it all made me roll my eyes. Because it all really boils down to whether or not two people happened to have unicorns on the brain. Which is cute and all, but come on.

Germain: That’s actually a nice transition back to the film itself. Beth said she enjoyed the Roy/Deckard stuff at the end. What did you guys get out of that? Or the film as a whole outside of its visuals, influence or mysteries?

Beth: When I was in college, I took a course about artificial intelligence and the definition of humanity. (Yeah, I grew up in California, how could you tell?) It’s one of my passions—which, in hindsight, makes my not having seen Blade Runner pretty inexcusable.

I feel like Roy was the most interesting character in the film, and I actually enjoyed how they portrayed his journey. He was doing awful things, but for what he perceived to be the right reasons, and the movie doesn’t place a value judgment on his actions.

Was he human? No, the movie is clear in that he isn’t—at least not based on its (and our) interpretation. But the movie also seems to argue that humanity isn’t something we should limit to a single definition.

Charles: Hm. It’s funny. People put so much weight into that speech even though Rutger Hauer’s been very open about it not actually having all that much to do with the film or its messages. Which, in its way is kind of the perfect encapsulation of Blade Runner.

Beth: That’s interesting, and true.

Charles: It’s a bunch of high falutin’ concepts and ideas delivered beautifully, but they don’t mean anything until people project their own feelings onto it.

Beth: I actually like how the movie doesn’t push us to see the Replicants as good or evil, but something that’s simply “other.” As you mentioned before, Charles, there’s a tendency in Hollywood nowadays to make robots sympathetic, the good guys in a world that’s stacked against them. Before, they were evil Terminator robots. Blade Runner gives us a a creation inside a morally grey area and says “Make your own call.”

Charles: Personally, I think in that moment, Roy felt as if Deckard finally understood what it meant for the Replicants to be living in a constant state of fear that their lives were about to end. Because he himself was about to die, Roy took the opportunity to prove to Deckard that he was better at humanity than a supposed biological human was.

And that’s it? I dunno. I really struggled to gas this movie up.

Beth: Watching Blade Runner decades after it came out is like looking at a canvas at a modern art museum that’s been painted entirely black. There’s something there, and it’s clearly well crafted, but is the value in the creation itself, how we interpret it, or the fact that we’re told to see it as something more than what it actually is?

After seeing it, I think it’s a combination of all three. But I’m sure plenty of people are going to tell me I’m wrong!

Germain: You’ve seen Blade Runner. Now—what do you think about the sequel?

Beth: I can tell you that I have no interest in seeing the sequel. Two hours of Blade Runner was one thing, I can get through that okay. But two hours and 40 minutes feels like a chore.

And for a movie that I felt was okay, but appreciated more for what it inspired than what it did? That doesn’t encourage me to see the story continue. Plus Ryan Gosling annoys me.

Charles: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. No. Won’t be seeing. I hope the sequel makes fans happy, though. That being said, I myself am not one of them.

Beth: Agreed, Charles. Just because I don’t want to see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t deserve to exist. It absolutely does, and fans deserve to see the story continue.

Charles: Totally. It’s just that I can think of so many other things I’d rather do. Which I don’t say out of contempt or anything, but that as best as I can tell about the sequel, it’s just Blade Runner redux with an older Deckard and a new Blade Runner who is not Deckard but is exactly like Deckard.

Which is to say: fans, you’re probably going to like this! Or passionately hate it.

Beth: The thing that would excite me is a shorter runtime. Okay, I’ll actually go a little further: I’d like if I knew whether the movie actually expanded into the outer worlds, so we saw how the Replicants live on a daily basis. I’d like to see something like the Institute synths from Fallout 4, where you see how they’re used and treated and can make a value judgment on whether or not you think it’s okay.

But I don’t have an indication of how involved Replicants are in the plot as background characters and environment building, at least not from the trailers that I saw.

I have a question for you, Charles. How accessible do you feel Blade Runner is?

Charles: In terms of?

Beth: General audiences. There have been so many rave reviews for the sequel, and I’m curious if that’s because film criticism as a whole has an overall favoritism for the movie that may not be shared by the general public.

Charles: That’s a very good question.

Just to bring this all full circle—we live in a world whose pop cultural landscape was profoundly shaped by Blade Runner. Even if you’ve never seen it, you have seen and experienced elements of it through other pieces of art. With that in mind, I think plenty of audiences will be able to understand Blade Runner 2: Electric Boogaloo, but it’ll be interesting to see if people like it.

Beth: Blade Runner is one of the most fascinating film experiences I’ve had in awhile—because it feels like nostalgia, but it’s really not. There’s an appreciation for what the movie was in the context of its time, as well as how its influence has carried over into other works. As a movie in itself, I didn’t fall in love. But I’m very glad that I saw it, and would recommend anyone else do the same.

Charles: Y’all, I really didn’t care for this movie.

Beth: Are you glad you saw it, Charles? Or would you have been fine not?

Charles: Neutral. The world wouldn’t have stopped spinning had I not.

Beth: Spoken like a true Replicant.

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