see the thing to consider about the early years of the cage is like. michael and adam's relationship (<-as a general term. the BEGINNINGS of it) was developing directly alongside the prime example of an archangel absolutely turning upon his vessel re: sam and lucifer. and they were bystanders to this! they could see what was happening! but first of all adam was powerless to do anything about it/would've been depending entirely on whatever protection michael would've deigned to give him back then during a time where they probably very much did not like each other and second of all while michael implied in 5x13 that he viewed what the other (arch)angels did to their vessels as something to disapprove of ("unlike my brothers, i won't leave you a drooling mess when i'm done wearing you") he still fundamentally does not give a shit so long as it doesn't affect him.

like while michael has always treated his vessels with respect while possessing them just based on his phrasing i'm like 90% sure he only did it (back then) to set himself apart from his brothers and keep himself established as the big brother setting the example. if that makes sense. he was being very proper about it he was like you see as much as i also think humanity is beneath me god favored them and so i will treat my vessels with respect as he intended. yknow. and i do think that seeing lucifer absolutely tear sam apart would've reinforced this? like ohhhh i am so much better than lucifer i would never stoop to a level like that. i think at least SOME of the early cage years with michael leaving adam alone would've been because of the fact that he's trying to be better than lucifer and what better way to do that than to prove to god that he isn't some savage animal who would turn on his most favorite creation with a lust for sadism.

and this would have to be present for their early interactions is the thing! because adam is THERE! he can see it happening! like not only is he helpless in the face of sam's torture but he is also put in a position where he is constantly Very Much Aware of the fact that michael. at any point. at any time. could turn on him and start doing the exact same to him that lucifer was doing to sam. and he has a VERY real reason to feel this way because for all that michael may leave him alone he literally already signed off on his torture once. what was stopping him from doing it again but with his own hands this time? his own pride, and that was pretty much it. and when you compare it to how they are centuries and centuries later, when adam speaks his mind to michael without any fear whatsoever and doesn't even flinch when michael snaps at him because adam had him backed into a corner, it's insane. but in those years back then? when michael's faith in god and that he was the better of the two of them was pretty much the only reason that adam wasn't getting ripped apart like sam was? yeah no adam would've been. absolutely fucking terrified of michael. like there is just no way around that.

but at the same time he is in! that! position! where the only thing he can do is RELY on michael. and it's a horrible position to be in and to look at from an outside perspective. even with the future knowledge that michael never once betrays adam's trust in him and that they will eventually grow to care for each other as deeply as they do. it's like you have adam sitting there listening to sam's screams and not being able to do a thing about it and watching michael and going. if you think it's so savage then why don't you do something about it? and then you have michael going because it's none of my concern. and besides, he was the one who diverted god's plan. he's the one who got us all trapped down here. and then you have adam going well why aren't you torturing me then? for not being the true vessel? and then you have michael going don't be ridiculous. i would never stoop to my brother's level of monstrous, and it's hardly like you're worth my time. and then you have adam, who stays very very quiet at that because his real thoughts about it might piss michael off. might dig himself deeper into this hole he's found himself in. because he's thinking, buddy. you're just as much of a monster. you've just got a different complex about it. but he can't say that and so he doesn't.

Actually fuck it it's 1am and I'm ready to- well, not trauma dump, but I'm gonna be mad about shit that's not polite to talk about in public or whatever. Hi everyone welcome to my transformers shit post blog

Anyway. So most people are not aware I have siblings because I never talk about them and that's because I haven't willingly spoken to my sister in seven years because she's an abusive narcissist and out of her fucking mind violent. But that's not important I bitch about her lying about having fuckin lupus despite the fact it's already killed enough of our family as it is. My brother I talk about even less and you know why??? There's literally no way to talk about him with modern social politics without pissing someone off. My brother is six years younger than me, low functioning down's syndrome/autistic. He's 23 now, nonverbal. I changed diapers until I moved out of my parents house at 17. 24/7 supervision, radio ankle monitor for safety, blablabla. He's visibly disabled. You look at him and immediately know he's disabled so like. I can't even begin to tell you the amount of places I've been kicked out of with him

Every time I see people get into fucking identity politics about like "low/high functioning" hurting their feelings it makes my lip curl, and I know I'm irrationally mad about it but like. What else am I supposed to be? Chill? Did you know "disability" is only for people who weren't born disabled? You only get disability if you're able to work and lose that ability. If you were born disabled? Go fuck yourself. There's programs and whatever but they all fucking suck donkey shit. My family didn't get a cent from the government to help take care of a severely disabled child until he was fucking nine. My brother is deaf AND blind. Like. Come on.

And finally when we did it's still like. Fucking nothing. At one point it was like... I dunno, 600 a month plus some shit like boxes of useless bargain bin diapers? Most importantly we got a certain amount of hours from like a medical care facility. Like, special babysitters, essentially. Fifteen hours a week maybe. Like great thanks that's super helpful. I was scrubbing shit off the walls when I was twelve. Thanks for the fucking help. My brother is difficult and strong and can be occasionally violent when he doesn't get his way. We went through every goddamn care worker in town. I remember at 15, after my dad left, my mom was like. Too depressed to do shit and so it fell to me, terminally adultified child. And because my brother is so difficult the hourly pay for working with him was higher than other clients, so their workers were always super interested in working with him. But I'd answer the door and I'm a tired angry fifteen year old and I know they're going to know the second they look at him why he pays so well and that it's still not worth it to them. So I used to open the door and say hi, my parents aren't coming to meet you, I'm in charge and I know how to forge my mom's signature. I'm tired and I don't want to waste my time with a bullshit interview. Come in, meet him, and if you decide this isn't going to work within like five minutes, that's great, fine, I get it, whatever. I'll sign off on your sheet that you were here for the full hour, so you can just go home and get paid for coming and I don't have to play grown up pretend bullshit for an hour of my time. My mom HATED that I did this but like nine times out of ten they left after fifteen minutes. They weren't worth my fucking time.

Eventually we did legitimately. Straight up run out of people willing to work with him. The company didn't send us anyone new because there wasn't anyone and because we didn't use the fifteen hours a week we got for two weeks in a row the government cancelled his entire benefit system and put him back on the waiting list. The one he was on for nine years, remember? We had to sue them over it to try and keep from losing the little they gave us and the company was so fucking butthurt about it that they called cps on us. Childish bullshit.

I've been kicked out of restaurants and movie theatres and stores and fuckin. Roller rinks or arcades or whatever kinds of places exist because he's disabled and scary and a lot of work and loud and messy and people don't want him around. It makes me bitter and angry and venomous. You wouldn't even recognize me around him. I know I can be a bitch on the internet sometimes but irl I'm soft and timid a lot of the time. I don't like talking to strangers. But you drop me in a room with my brother and I turn into a snarling fucking animal and the second I sense disgust I'm going to make a fucking scene. I've yelled at people in restaurants. What the fuck are you staring at?? I'm so sorry, is my brother enjoying his meal disturbing you? Good thing I don't give a shit. I'll embarrass myself and everyone else in the room without giving a single shit. One time I literally stormed on stage during a high schools talent show for disabled students to scream at a teacher backstage. No subtlety. No politeness. I stood up and I climbed up on the stage and stormed through the curtain. I can't fucking control myself. The anger has built up over the decades and it spills out. How fucking dare you.

And what am I supposed to do with that? That's not inspirational. It's not polite. It's not a nice story. It's "I love my brother but he's incredibly difficult and the government and society as a whole has gone so far out of their way to make keeping him safe and happy extraordinarily difficult that I'm always ready to get in a fight over it with anyone who gives me an excuse." People don't like stories like that. I don't want custody of him when my parents die and every single qualified care facility and group home in the state has refused him because he's categorized as "dangerous" because he can be physically difficult. So he just gets completely abandoned by the world who says wow that sucks but tough shit. Maybe just die about it?

I literally can't post photos of me with my brother without people thinking I'm fucking like baiting or whatever the fuck, like, white knighting my disabled brother for sympathy. As if I'm not just memeing with my family or some shit. And then I can't complain or I'm an ableist. It's easier if I just shut up and don't talk about it, isn't it?

Internet disability politics doesn't and has never given a single rancid shit about low functioning disabled people. The absolute zero sum most at risk people in society. What am I supposed to do when my parents die? I literally cannot take care of him physically or financially and he can't leave the state without losing benefits. I don't live there anymore. I have to uproot everything and go home? Or what, turn him over to the state so he can deal with the, what, 65% chance of sexual abuse that happens to nonverbal low functioning disabled people? Be fed dog kibble and left to rot in a piss stained mattress for days? I've seen these places. He can't talk so they can do anything they want to him. No one is going to stick up for him. No one cares.

It boils my fucking blood just to think about. I don't want to hear any woke ass takes about functioning labels from someone on Twitter if they've never materially contributed to the well being of a low functioning disabled person in their fucking life. Those terms aren't for you asshole, they're for them, because they need more help and protection. Tired of trying to keep up with the politics and labels placed upon my family member by people with no stake in the suffering at the end of the stick they're poking him with. It's all so easy in theoreticals but what if "what happens to my brother if my parents die" is a question that's loomed over your head for a decade without an answer? I'll listen to your thoughts on the matter when you Paypal me ten dollars so I can send him some more scarves to stim with.

People hate messy uninspiring stories so they would rather you just shut up and stop reminding them about it. Literally I think if I still lived down there and one more restaurant manager asked me to leave I would fucking stab them

Under the cut cause I ramble on about shit and am sad.

It's 1AM and I have to get ready to go to work in 5 hours but I'm wide awake and have been crying cause my mom isn't around to do wedding stuff with me. This year marked the year I've spent more years without her than I did with her and yet all this wedding stuff is making it feel like it was just yesterday. It's been a long time since I've sobbed over missing my mom and yet here I am.... I found a couple of blog posts from other motherless daughters planning their wedding and it made me realize one of the reasons I've been putting off doing wedding planning even though we've been engaged almost a year now - I don't know what I'm going to do without my mom. Sure I was only 16 when she died and we certainly weren't in that friend stage yet but that doesn't mean I don't grieve the fact that she can't go with me to pick out my wedding dress or be there for the big day. I honestly have no idea who I even want to go with to find a dress. My best friend is my fiance and I can't go with him. My dad got remarried but she's not my mom - I don't think of her as a mom. My future mother in law is wonderful but she's also not my mom. My family is super supportive but they also just don't feel right to go with. I don't have any super close girl friends. Like I have some girl friends but a) one of them lives in another state and the last time I sent her a text opening up about stuff I felt vulnerable about she didn't even reply, b) the other sort of close girl friend I have is leaving the country soon and I don't know if she'd even want to go with me, c) the other girl friends I have I don't really ever talk to outside of when I see them at group stuff so that just feels weird too. I've been toying with the idea of just going alone but I don't know if I'm just going to end up feeling really sad and alone and just start crying and it being super awkward for the people at the bridal shop. I still feel iffy about covid shit anyways so I'm not even looking forward to trying on dresses and wearing a mask and being worried about getting covid from dress shopping.

I can't wait to be married but I wish I was more excited about the planning part. I used to dream about planning a wedding and how fun it would be and now I'm just sad because I don't have my mom and I'm anxious about covid that is still very much a thing no matter how much people want to just go back to their pre-covid lives.

I'm also really not looking forward to this weekend. It's my grandfather's funeral and there's gonna be a ton of people there I haven't talked to in ages and I kind of just stopped talking to cause I was covid depressed and then there's my family who is probably just gonna bombard us asking about wedding planning stuff even though I've been too sad to plan anything. (In full transparency we also bought a house earlier this year which was super stressful and I wouldn't have wanted to plan a wedding at the same time but now that we're more settled the only thing holding us back is me and I don't know what to do) and it's gonna be inside and I don't want to get covid. I've avoided it this long and I really don't want to get sick.

It's now 1:40AM and what the fuck am I doing with my life. I'm gonna be so tired when my alarm goes off even though I'm not tired now.

It's crazy how earlier today I was in such a good mood and then I was watching someone's stream that I'm a sub and vip in and they didn't say hi or respond to anything I said and I know from past experience they've said that sometimes they say hi to someone in their head or just think they've already said hi when they didn't actually so it was probably nothing personal at all (like I'm a VIP that they chose to give me themselves) but it still always makes me feel so left out when I talk in someone's stream and no one acknowledges it and deep down I wonder if everyone blocked me. I'm almost 33 why the fuck do I even care about this shit.

I just want people to like me and I also miss my mom. What a complex.