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elle-stevens · 5 years

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The Break Up Blog - Day Forty

I woke up with the rays of an early sunrise hitting my corneas.

I didn’t sleep with my sleeping mask since it’s the weekend and I don’t need to block out the sunlight. I fell asleep pretty early, around 21:30. I was just done with yesterday’s shit at work and later with my bloody sinuses.

I got up and made coffee and a breakfast burrito and finished watching ‘Elite’ season 2 on Netflix. That shit was gripping! Those guys know how to tell a fucking story and help you get lost right in it. Now I need to binge something else.

I went to school to pick up the student diaries that I still need to mark and then I went to the hospital to see about my sinuses. As it turns out, I have acute rhinitis. Considering that the school nurse told me I had three weeks ago after that drunken night at a club, I probably should’ve done something about it sooner. I’ve had rhinitis before, years ago maybe, but I honestly forgot what the symptoms were. Anyway, I have some proper medicine now, so hopefully it will help.

I got home from seeing a doctor after 13:00 and picked up a few groceries in the neighbourhood before heading home. Then I spent the afternoon doing laundry and making dinner, which is grilled salmon. Then I napped for two hours, which was nice. I’ve been barely been able to sleep well at night, much less take a nap, since I broke up with X. It felt good to let my body and brain take a much deserved break from thinking and distracting myself.

I still felt kinda blue though.

I dreamt about X early this morning.

It was weird. She was there and so was ML, my head manager at work. The three of us were walking through a random building trying to get somewhere. Finally, we made our way into this apartment where I guess we were supposed to be staying for the night. X wanted to put a spare toilet roll in the bathroom (random, I know, lol), but ML insisted that she should do it, which is in keeping with her OCD, controlling behaviour. So while ML fussed with things in the apartment, X and I laid down on a bed in one of the rooms and got ready to sleep. But we were being giggly and playful with each other, mocking ML in hushed tones. Then all of a sudden, the mood shifted into something quieter and more intense. We were just about to lean in and kiss and that’s when I woke up.

So while I binge-watched ‘Elite’, I turned on my VPN and Facebook-stalked X again. This time, I saw that she had written a few posts since we broke up. Nothing sad or depressing like I hoped it would be, just regular stuff about things she’d seen and news she’d heard about. But there was one post of hers that triggered me in a bad way. She asked her nearest and dearest to comment on her post and describe her in one word.

Naturally, a few single words cropped up in my head, the nicest of which were ‘conceited’ and ‘liar’. I was sorely tempted to comment on X’s post and say exactly that or tell her that it’s difficult to summarise her in only word since I had a few bad words or sentences to sum her up with.

For a moment, I was so sure I was going to do it.

And then I just...didn’t.

What would the point have been anyway? It might’ve felt good to hit X where it hurts for a brief moment, but then I’d just be the pathetic ex-girlfriend who’s obsessed with her and has to keep butting into her life at every turn. I thought X had taken all of my dignity during our relationship and after the break-up; I’m thankful to say that actually isn’t the case.

After that, I turned my attention to our old messages in Facebook Messenger. I guess I desperately wanted to find a conversation, any conversation, that was normal and filled with love. I didn’t want any of our recent conversations that held only secrets and lies. So I scrolled and scrolled until I gave it up as a lost cause. It’s becoming harder and harder to keep any good memory of X alive when she filled so many of them with her ridiculous, dramatic crap over time.

When I started getting ready to go to the hospital, I first had to look for my hospital book. It’s basically a booklet filled with your personal information and pages for doctors to write prescriptions on when you visit the same hospital. It seems like quite the trend here in China. So I had to hunt through my personal papers where I keep my passport and other contracts.

That’s when I stumbled on the old airplane ticket stubs I kept from my first trip to visit X in her hometown. After that, it wasn’t long before I found her love letter from the 5-star hotel we stayed in for the night. It’s a beautiful letter, a ghostly echo of the love that X used to have for me. Moments like this remind that what X and I had wasn’t all a lie. But it doesn’t exactly help me either when all I want to do is move on and stop pretending I don’t still love her.

Because I still do. Love her, that is.

I’d love to be that person who burns the world to the fucking ground after someone hurts me and automatically stop caring. But that’s just not how I was built. I feel things intensely, good or bad. And I’m probably going to keep on loving X until distance and time helps me to finally stop.

As it turned out, my fucking hospital book was already in my backpack from the last time I visited the same hospital. So I didn’t have to put myself through some of my stupid, emotional turmoil over X.

Meh, c’est la vie.

D sent me a few voice messages during the day because a young girl she’s mentoring is coming to stay with her for the weekend. And it was surprising because D expressed some minor concerns about letting another person stay in her home and worrying about things like stowing away her valuables. This girl she’s mentoring seems ok in my books and I told her that much. And I also apologised to her for making her feel more paranoid than usual because of my experiences with X. This is why I’ve been hesitant to tell too many people about basically being cat-fished by my own girlfriend. I don’t want to put them on their guards against people in their lives just because I got duped. The whole business was really shitty and it will take me a long time to get over it, but I’m gonna try not to let it besmirch any feelings I have about other people from now on.

Sure, there are a lot of wolves in sheep’s clothing nowadays, but there are also still good and kind people in the world. And if I’m lucky, I just might be able to surround myself with more people like that and keep the haters and fakers at an arm’s length.

So yeah, a lot of food for thought. But it felt nice to have a quiet day at home. I got up from my nap earlier and made some steamed vegetables to go with the salmon for dinner. Then I still need to exercise; I have two days left with my workout programme. I haven’t been able to finish a lot of things lately, but I’m determined to finish this at least. And after that, I’ll take more time to rest and get over this bout of rhinitis.

Normally, I would call my mom tomorrow to say hello and check in. But after her recent bout of bad behaviour towards P, I’m just not in the mood for her bullshit, pretending everything is fine when it’s not. At least P is having fun living with G; I’m glad they have each other to rely on.

As for me, I’m not really sure what’s going to happen next. I’m just waiting for this melancholic cloud to go away so I can feel like my normal, happier self again. I don’t know that if that happiness will entail any future romances; right now, a part of me hopes it won’t. Fairytales are for people who don’t know how to be happy on their own.

As for work, I’ve officially checked out. I’ll prepare my lessons and get my students through their final assessments, but that’s it. I’m not going to play at being a real teacher because that isn’t what expected of me at school. I’ll still be nice to my students and even give them rewards when they do their work, but I’m not going to do more. I need to get away from all of this and just work at a place where I can be myself and be proud of what I’m doing.

I just want to get through this year with enough cash in my bank account and enough tenacity to see me through each day.

#breakupblog #dayforty

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