I wish I liked eggs and weren't allergic to em bc they're so versatile and you can make really simple meals with them which would be very beneficial for my flare up days especially

I've tried several times before my allergy tests and every time I'd have to hype myself up to try it and then take the TINIEST bite and spit it in the trash immediately

Then with several allergy tests over the years it was proven time and time again I'm allergic so even if I wanted to eat them I cant :(

I just freaked out... I weighed myself and saw 120.0 on the scale and I was like ‘omg, what am I going to have to do!?’ I felt like everything just came rooming in on me. I feel full and mentally hungry... so bloated today and just feeling yucky.. I’ve been thinking about having ramen and a hard boiled egg.. maybe a low calorie drink like a soda idk... I’d like that but I feel like I’d have to hide it. Anyway, I took off my sweater and saw 117.2 on the scale and I was like ‘*exhale*, that’s so much better.’ I’m watching recovery videos and they sometimes eat really yummy foods and it’s so upsetting because I’m like ‘Delish, I would give anything to have that’ and my ED is like ‘maybe when you lose 20 pounds you can’ I’m glad that I can call it out though,.. like that’s not a healthy thought- thinking I need to get smaller to eat something.. especially desserts. I think they’re becoming fear foods more and more. Luckily there’s a lot of baked things I can’t eat. Things are working out well though, I’ve been having around 1000 cals and I’m keeping up with proper meals with the family but just not having snacks.. it’s alright. I’m so glad that it’s over though. I feel like I’m playing both sides... on one hand I’m glad that I’m eating with family and on the other hand I’m glad I can stop having the pressure of eating. I also keep going back and forth with tree planting. Like it’ll be a really awesome way to eat less than I burn off from working. But also scawy to gain the muscle.. also what’s the point in my body is just going to convert that to energy. Idk... I used to relapse and recover faster. But this time feels more real and I’m a lot deeper. I need to get out now or fully commit... I usually just let things pass but I want all in with this. When the numbers go down I feel better, I’m in control.. even though, as I’ve learned, I still feel like shit when I see lower numbers.. it somehow seems better. And like I have to keep going. I don’t know how to stop and I can’t even see it happening. Also I know I said I was mentally hungry, but I actually feel physically hungry now. I’m bloated as f*cke and I feel huge, but somehow my body is like ‘more more more’ and my head is like ‘shut the f*ck up you whiny b*tch’ My head does a lot of swearing. Another messed up thing was thinking of date ideas that I could do and t was stressful because a lot of things involve food. And I was like ‘geez what could I eat, maybe something with hummus... maybe there’s some vegan places’ and I like the idea of going out for dessert and my head was like ‘absolutely not’. Anyway, I’m 100000 miles away from a date with anyone. This is all theoretical. But my head was like ‘let’s get some things real straight here. YOU FOLLOW MY RULES OR ELSE YOULL BE ALONE!’ Like... if I don’t I can’t date. Because I have to choose, and the choice is my ED, so anything romantic comes in second or it doesn’t happen at all. Also stressing about Costco. Eek.. Idk if I’ll plan ahead to compensate. I think 800 has been a solid amount to go off of. Especially when I’m home all day and eating with Kelly at night. Gives me 250 for the beginning and 550 for supper. Also also 400 a day is only 2800 a week... and that’s 5600.. not even a pound a week... like 1 1/2 pounds in 2 weeks. Plus eating more!!!! On weekends. Yikes. Buuuut I’m measuring by 1200 needs a day. And chronometer says 1500 a day. So that’s solid.. it’s just over a pound a week. So that means by the end of this week... I should hit 113.8. Imma try for 114 since I juuuust made it under 115. And that’s not bad.. even if I do tree plant I’ll be able to lose 4-5 pounds conservatively. If I really stick with it 5-6 pounds. Ouuu maybe that’ll get me to my ‘next’ ‘real’ goal. Yepppp if I keep with it I’ll get to 108! And if I end up getting this evening job I’ll be able to miss a lot of evening meals! So I’ll have time to prepare and not have to have the pressure of other people expecting me to eat. Idk I have good days and bad days.. and it’s getting hard to tell which is which.