#anyway I think the reason my first psychiatrist said I didn't seem adhd is because she saw me on the end of my depression arc | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

that-bipolar-mood · 10 months

Note

Hi there,

I don't know who else to talk to about this, and your blog seems like the only one I can talk to about this (you don't even have to answer this).

About half a year ago I started getting into spirituality. At first it was wonderful, and really inspired and encouraged a lot of positive personal growth for me. I started meditating and hearing voices. However, there have been a few times that became disturbing, and a couple were downright terrifying.

I only just recently opened up to my counselor about those moments. She was naturally concerned, and reached out to my my medication specialist to let her know. The meds specialist then gave me a prescription for Abilify, and kind of rushed through the appointment without really listening to me. Hallucinations or not, to me those moments were very real, and to have them so quickly dismissed has hurt me deeply.

I see how my behaviour could be concerning for others. I agree that I do experience hypomania. I'm not living an impulsive or reckless lifestyle, but I do go through cycles of being high-strung, irritable, and depressed, only to bounce back to being pleasant and happy-go-lucky again. Yet it hurts to know that my attempts to better my life and connect with a higher source was noted as a red flag, like they were just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like all of my credibility and respectability has been taken from me overnight. It feels like whenever I become excited about something that it's going to be questioned as a suspicious and monitored as a symptom, instead of allowing me to enjoy my life like an adult. I already feel like my partner looks down on me. He uses my earlier mental illness diagnosis as a means to infantalise and patronise me, even if he doesn't think he is.

We both have relatives with bipolar disorder, and I don't see myself being like them. I've seen what mania looks like, and where it leads to. It scares and dismays me to be put into the same category as them. I could handle the ADHD and depression diagnoses, but BP is more than I'm willing to admit. Quite frankly, I'm ashamed of it. Just like I'm embarrassed for sharing my spiritual experiences and research with those around me, and how silly I must have looked.

I've decided it would be best if I avoid anything involved in spirituality, to play it safe. However, now there's a great absence in my life, with nothing worthwhile to put my time and energy into. There's a deep emptiness and loneliness in my heart with nothing to replace it. My inner compass now has no direction, I don't know what to do with myself anymore, both daily and throughout my life. I feel unremarkable, unsupported, and out of reach of G-d's love.

Thank you for reading through my vent. I hope you're having a good week.

- Jackalope

Well hello, and thank you firstly for reaching out.

To be honest, I believe the majority in the bipolar community or perhaps even the entire mental health community, understands or relates on some level. Also, I won't lie and pretend there is a simple answer here, or that anyone can give you one in the first place.

Now that I've said that, here's my personal subjective view. Spirituality saved me from my existential struggles, but I learnt the hard way that there is a line that I can never cross unless I want to get hospitalised. I tried desperately to balance my spiritual beliefs with reason and this diagnosis I received... it went horribly...for some time. Naturally, l gave up.

Guess what happened. Didn't work out. Depression kicked in faster than ever, and I'm talking about the paralysing, scary, losing-self one. Anyway, this happened next:

1. I just stopped surrounding myself with judgemental people who kept putting me down because of spirituality (frankly, I had no energy left).

2. I embraced the fact that I can be both mentally ill and practice spirituality, but starting slow...(no staying up reading on religions or painting visions instead of eating).

3. I switched psychiatrists and was lucky to find a liberal open-minded one, who helped me sort out which beliefs were harmful and which weren't.

4. Again, lucky for me, I found the right medication that kept me stable and offered me a chance to control triggers better.

So, in my experience, yoga and meditation (sometimes hours long) are not harmful but crucial. Yet, anything that occupies me enough to disrupt or just rapidly change my life can be potentially harmful. Welcome to 'the spectre life' of bipolar.

I'm not sure which diagnosis you consider to be correct for you, I can speak as someone with bipolar disorder, and my life is really all about balance. Meaning it goes both ways. I cannot do without spirituality, but I have to be careful not to "bite off more than I can chew."

I hope this helps and if you feel like chatting or anything really, please message me.

I believe truly that you have the capacity to sort this through and that you will be alright.

#bipolar disorder #actuallybipolar #manic depression #actually bipolar #spiritual #spirituality #tw hospitalization #actually mentally ill #manic depressive #actually manic #bipolar mania #ask

6 notes · View notes