#another edit ok i might be being a little overdramatic lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

derangedroyalfae · 5 years

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Jan 17, 2019 10PM

Royal (11:37 AM): Nightmare ~a character of mine~...is the fuckey part of my brain...to say the least

The chaotic, nightmarish part of my thoughts where everything goes to derp and hell and probably derp hell

You know...Nightmare was one of my other clues to my own gender identity...

One of those things from my past that I didn’t think of, especially in the moment, and then you look back and think “oh wait...wow, hey...it’s another one of those sign things”

That needs some explanation, huh?

Hummingbird (11:48 AM): just a smidge

Royal (11:56 AM): The Nightmare of C.S.R. AKA Everyone’s Worse Nightmare AKA Nightmare, was this almost incredibly dark OP marysue-esque character that was initially made for crossover and “what if” situations that just got really fuckey and bad. Nightmare has no true universe, but of course allegedly has an incredibly fucked up and tragic and yet so OC cluster fuck backstory. They mainly inserted themself in popular media, things that weren’t my own stories, but eventually made their way into mine and definitely had a lot of interactions with me.

In fact, there’s an ongoing thing that we have a love/hate relationship, where I hate her/them and they/she likes to fuck around with and joke that she’s the only one who can have me. However, there are hints that Nightmare is technically me, or a persona or mockery of me (she wears wigs and color contacts underneath are my natural hair and eye colors, though she somehow has another wig and contacts under that with her original colors, her shoes always change her height to make her look taller than me but she’s actually my height, her chest size etc).

But, Nightmare has more than one form, hence why I’ve switched between her and them, cuz there’s also a male form of Nightmare.

Someone who was allegedly me but very fluid with their gender (but was primarily/by default female)

Hummingbird (11:58 AM): ah kk. I think I get it now

Royal (12:00 PM): I created her back in grade school, they’re an incredibly old character of mine, so even back then I had a representation of myself as both gender, even if it was supposed to be a “me” that I am embarrassed by, ashamed of, and hate

I think in its own weird way, it counts as a hint

There was a big phase in my life where I was very attached to Nightmare and was almost inseparable to them, they had so much going on and invaded so many drawings and thoughts. They were...important in their own way. So it’s not just like “oh this oc I had once that was Me was fluid.” It’s something I invested a lot into.

Their sexuality was pretty on par to mine too...

It’s just something I never thought about, because I was so young I wasn’t even considering my own sexuality at that time, let alone gender

Psychologically analyzes self

(12:33 PM): I’m thinking of bleaching my own roots, since I can’t exactly afford the luxury of a professional

Hummingbird (12:59 PM): sorry I just got back to my desk

Royal (1:05 PM): You is good

So I totally got away with wear size 10 or so men’s boots today

I just put my comfort insert things in and little socks at the toes and there was any big problems

Kitty (3:26 PM): I can help with the hair dye. I've helped Lapis do hers before ^-^

my hands were blue for a couple days, but it was worth it, lol

Royal (6:07 PM): Why didn’t you wear gloves???

Sorry I was so quiet, both Nurd is super sick (my ma took him to the hospital) and I was doing that project that I wanted the eyepatch for

Kitty (6:08 PM): I did, the hair products dissolved them

Royal (6:08 PM): He thinks he has food poisoning, but I think it might be something more like a flu

Kitty (6:08 PM): Does he have a fever?

Royal (6:34 PM): Don’t know

But

Hummingbird (6:34 PM): oh. I hope he is ok

Royal (7:08 PM): So like, Bunny is cane to me like “can I speak candidly to you” and goes off on this tirade about how she thinks I should talk to Nurd about not doing this wait since it’s apparently a 2-3hr wait and the bathrooms are closed and there’s no where to sit etc. and how there’s usually nothing hospitals can do for food poisoning or for flu (??? What???) and I’m like “so you want me to call him up and convince him to come home?” And eventually she was like “don’t bother” kind of thing and then as she walked away was like “is there a reason you didn’t go with them?” And I responded with the truth that I was doing something, but to be fair, it’s not like I expect Nurd to come with me for every single one of my appointments

But do you guys agree with there being “nothing they can do” in regards to food poisoning or flu? Like, they stick an IV in him to help him hydrate, that’s something and helpful (at least for me it was) but she’s acting like it’s a waste of time

Kitty (7:10 PM): They could induce vomiting or give him activated charcoal

Royal (7:10 PM): He is vomiting up a storm already

Kitty (7:10 PM): That's probably a good thing, if it's food poisoning(edited)

Royal (7:10 PM): He’s vomiting just from drinking water

Also, what was she suspecting with her question as to why I didn’t go???

Cuz she come back when I hadn’t answered right away, hand propped up in the door way like she caught me in my bs or something

Sorry, I digress. Do you think I should do something? Like, my ma didn’t talk to me about what’s going on, but clearly she said something to Bunny...

Alright, I called my ma and it’s just Bunny being...Bunny

And now Bunny’s texting me

Doesn’t she ever get tired of this cycle? Been the same damn thing for the last 20 years. She throws a fit or starts something or goes out of line and then response with “I’m sorry, I know I came off as bad” shpeal and it just gets so old

Like I can appreciate someone owning up and apologizing, but when it’s this damn frequent it’s like “don’t even bother apologizing”

Hummingbird (7:17 PM): Yeah... She seems like she is just looking for trouble

Royal(7:18 PM): Like, when she talked to me, I was like “did mom say something in regards to her thinking he shouldn’t wait” and she just dodged around and when I asked if mom tried talking to him, Bunny said Nurd is just being his overdramatic difficult self

Like, Nurd tends to listen to my mom’s advice

Kitty (7:22 PM): She's just mad that she's not the one getting attention right now

Hummingbird (7:22 PM): That or she is try to make drama where there isn't any

Royal (7:23 PM): She is like “if it’s a big enough deal that he’s in emergency room, you should be there, not mom, she’s not his girlfriend”

I honestly thought they were just going to urgent care, not the emergency room

Royal (8:01 PM): Woooooooooooooooow

Hummingbird (8:02 PM): yeah.. wow

#family #journal #mood journal #family drama #manipulation #manipulative #sickness #sick #trans #nonbinary #non binary #gender #genderqueer #gender fluid #nightmare #drama

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theycalledmecrazy · 4 years

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It's strange to say, but I'm one of the last people to shop in the wee hours of the morning at a Walmart. I finished my shopping and approached the cash register right around midnight. The cashier had just clocked in and had just been told that was her last night working the late shift as a cashier. Starting tomorrow, all the Walmarts across the nation will close at 11 PM. Third shifters like my cashier will be in charge of cleaning and sanitizing a store and assisting in restocking for the next day.

It's a strange thing to think about. Our lives are so convenience based. Anytime day or night, if you need something, there was probably a store within a reasonable driving distance that you could go to and find what you need, barring any specialty necessities.

I wonder to myself if this move won't be slightly counterproductive to containing the virus. As it stands now, shoppers are spread out in the major big box stores over a 24-hour period. Now, with many stores taking 8 or so hours off in the middle of the night, shoppers will only be able to access the store within a 16 to 17 hour timeframe, naturally leading to a higher concentration of people during those times.

It's been a week of interesting firsts. Just the other day, Mike Dewine, governor of Ohio made the announcement that Ohio schools would be closed for 3 weeks. For the first time in history, every Disney park on Earth is closed at the same time. And for the first time in my knowledge, my job has authorized people who don't normally work from home to do so.

I digress from my point. First, I suppose some backstory will be due. This is being written on the Ides of March in the year 2020. I am in Columbus, Ohio, United States. I am 37 years old. The country, state, and city have all declared states of emergency in the wake of the spread of the Covid-19 virus pandemic. As I dictate this to my phone, I'm driving home from Sidney Ohio, having just completed a route delivering medicine to nursing homes. I work two jobs.

I began researching this disease and the spread of it well before it hit American shores. I've been watching the John Hopkins 'heat map' since the second week of January, a time when the only mention of coronavirus you heard was your coworker telling a joke involving it going best with lyme disease. I've learned about its capability of spread in an urban populace, and I watched the drone footage of the "ghost city" of Wuhan several weeks ago, long before it went viral (ha!) via Facebook. A booming urban metropolis reduced to how London looked in 28 Days Later. I learned about the term 'Community Spread' before it was ever uttered on American live feeds. My productivity at work, my attention to friends, my normal functioning bottomed out as I became hyperfocused on the menace that I begged the universe in vain to keep overseas. I should have known, and should have been preparing. But, as humans are prone to be, I was a product of my environment. That culture of convenience and procrastination. But now there's no more convenience and no more procrastination.

I now know that things are going to get worse. These kind of rushes on product like we've been seeing is just the beginning. We are going to face days of true scarcity. I fear that even with my recent stockpiling, that my "preparedness" has come too late. I remember my father teaching me how to stockpile and prep for days when there would be scarcity, and I've failed to do so effectively. Over the last week or so, I've done my best with the small amount of resources I have. As things stand now, my shelves are stocked. I know how to ration in emergency situations, and although it will suck, I know that I can ration much smaller amounts because I have a lot of fat on my body that my body will live off of for extended periods of time. I always joked that being overweight was just a surplus Y2K survival kit. Turns out, that's truer than I'd like it to be. I thought keto was my path to losing weight. Turns out the coming days will be much more effective.

The scenarios that we had always gone over in are prepping drills involved an attack on the United States or some uprising within. All that boogaloo horseshit you hear, or heard. Ways to make sure that your food was secure from people that might be looking for it. Making sure that you had weapons to defend yourself and those in your care. Safeguards against basic things like frostbite or heat exhaustion. Basic first aid. Foraging. Boy Scout shit. The drills never included anything like Covid-19. At first we were told that the illness was little worse than a common cold, just a little easier to spread the people. Now, we are getting reports that it creates a fibrosis in the lungs, and even if you recover from your bout of the illness, you can be left with up to 20% reduced lung capacity. People in Hong Kong are now reporting that healthy adults that have recovered from the disease now get winded by a brisk walk. In Japan, a recovered patient has tested positive for the disease again, making the medical community wonder about the antibodies that the bodies of recovered SHOULD be producing. Dad and I never prepared for anything like that. I think the best hope in the situation that we prepared for would be that any human we come in contact with will have also been similarly reduced in capacity, since this disease looks to be one that will spread to a majority of the populace. I'm glad that part of preparedness is adaptability, but I'm still sitting here rambling.

I've tried to focus on purpose in the last several days. I keep telling myself that it's important to stay positive and to still do the things that I love doing. Indeed, I still play cards with my roommate and my gaming group of friends, all aware that we may wind up having to quarantine once 'things get bad'. I watch people that I love still doing the things that they love, seemingly unaware of the world that's collapsing around us. What I like to go see a movie? Would I like to go to the mall? Would I like to go see a show in a theater? Absolutely. But while many do not notice, we don't live in that world anymore. Well, some still do. They'll live in that world until the very last moment they can - which is why I had to live in this new one so soon. Even now, when it's becoming apparent that the world as we knew it is over, social media is alight with blissful ignorance and vapid resistance to the world we find ourselves in.

When the first cases were reported in the state, it was on a day I found myself financially unstable. I couldn't have prepared for anything that day if I'd wanted to - I had victoriously paid off two large pieces of debt and was done with an 'only has money' week until next payday, and even the next paycheck had obligations. Instead of writing a plan, I wrote letters to my loved ones with advice for the upcoming hard times, and an apology for leaving them(before you all sound the alarm, that's not what this is, and that feeling has long since passed). Reading the letters to myself, I realized the cowardice behind the words, and despised myself for a few days after deleting them. Though, admittedly, even now as I watch the heat map and watch the numbers rolling in, I somewhat long for cowardice, but steel myself and square my shoulders for the task ahead.

Now this.

Some friends have asked me to promise to get their loved ones to them if I'm closer to them than they are, or even to keep them with me and keep them safe. For all my misanthropy, I guess people still see me as some kind of fringe guardian in many respects. I suppose it's because they know I'd die before letting someone I care about die. I wonder if it makes me exploitable, or if maybe that's just my purpose. It makes a lot of things make a lot of sense. Sometimes in the horror movie of life, you're the one that distracts the monster so the others can get away. I have no illusions of being the hero, but I won't turn down the opportunity if it happens. Ugh, this paragraph was self serving as hell, but I'm not deleting anything at this point. Watch me ramble. Maybe there's something valuable in it.

That time is a bit off, but I know that I'm going to see loved ones die in this, and I know that my friends in my time that read this will think I'm being overdramatic(I'm sure some of them haven't even made it this far and have either called me or forwarded this to authorities - both unnecessary, I assure you). I know that I may not survive what's coming. So I think the best thing I can do is do what I've always done. Write. I will write and hope that my words will create a culture among those that read my words in a distant future. My goal is to make you, the reader, not make the same mistakes we made, the mistakes I made, the mistakes anyone made. I won't have an editor, most likely, so forgive my rambled mess of a memoir. Maybe someone in the future will edit and make sense of it all.

I hope that this is all just me ranting and raving about something absurd and in the future this will embarrass me and we'll all laugh about it. If you're in the future and reading this, however, that means that scenario isn't what happened. I hope things are better for you. I hope that I'm talked about with good words. I hope some of my loved ones are the ones who saved these words and shared them with the world. It would be really great if it was me, but I'd probably edit out this whole paragraph, so probably not. That's ok. Either way, it's now 2:30am and I must unload groceries and get them shelved. Tomorrow is another day, and I'm going to play some video games while I can like the old millennial I am to escape for a couple hours before my nerves finally let me sleep. See? Rambling run-on sentences. You'd never guess I was an English major. Ms. Somers would be so disappointed (lol). I told my friends in February that we'd be ordered to stay at home soon. They called me crazy.

I didn't realize until just this moment that if anyone ever reads this aside from those I send it to in order to preserve it, I'll essentially have been writing my own eulogy. That's fine. I'll take that.

I decided to create this Tumblr on March 30, 2020. In the two weeks since writing this prologue, things have progressively gotten worse. I will write more tomorrow.

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