It is always disheartening as an artist to find other people believe that publicly-posted works of art (drawn, written, composed, etc.) - especially from indie artists who won't probably come after them unlike bigwigs such as Disney - is free to use without permission for one's free-to-access work.

#262: Hogwarts Inquires - I

Perhaps, it is an Inquiry, but I just need a vent for it.

SPOILERS AHEAD

I've been documenting events along the way I play and took notes for the timeline; some can be found here. That post was a mess and I'm planning on somewhat improving the size and info value of these but for now, dates.

MC acquires powers: ??.??.1890

Although she says she was dreaming about Hogwarts for a long time, we can't be sure how long that wait really was. Might've been just a small talk, besides, it was Professor Weasley she was sharing that bit with. ALTHOUGH, I am certain MC had a few months of getting up to speed. She isn't very but quite knowledgeable about wizarding world, Fig had one job and he'd done it.

Miriam's death & Anne's curse: April of 1890's first two weeks

During Beasts Class, Poppy shares with MC that she'd rescued Highwing a few -- five, to be precise -- years back, and until recently, she was fine. Meaning, Ashwinders became a problem not very long ago, and it was apparent they were moving closer to Hogwarts, after Rookwood took a hold of the Ministry (he used its resources to track down the locket, the man's influence is astonishingly scary, if you really think about it; he might've been the reason for Spavin to ignore the bs in the area).

Not only Poppy worries the castle might be not as safe, Natty, too, and Nora Treadmill said that she'd never been attacked so close to the grounds. Amit says during Potions class, some families didn't want their children to go to the school because of the dangers goblins posed.

Why Anne's curse matters. Hogwarts has two weeks of Easter holidays, meaning, she and Sebastian could have gone back to Feldcroft; they were in their fourth year, I doubt that studying for OWLs could have them kept within Hogwarts' walls. So. The night Rookwood cursed her -- or severely injured -- was likely the night shortly after Miriam's death, as at at the moment, Rookwood had already seen what Ranrok gained and was interested in any subsequent searches in the area.

Why Poppy's words also matter. She says until recently.

George Osric also mentioned Miriam sent him the locket a few months back. Just before she died soon afterwards.

MC's arriving at Hogwarts: September 1, 1890

A few months back are, like, 5, from that point of time?

Troll attack: September 2, 1890

The Restricted Section: September 3, 1890

Fig's departure for Ministry: September 4, 1890

Also the day of Herbology and Potions classes.

I have a strong belief Professor Sharp is fully aware of MC's shenanigans from the very beginning, moreover, he is afraid MC might be on her way to waste her potential; what's especially OHMYGOD to me, is that Sharp nearly always talks to MC directly rather than asks if Professor Fig has to do with anything.

He always proposes a different view on any of MC's companion; those who are complimented by the others, Sharp criticises, offers a different perspective, asks to think if MC should really allow influences from the ones like Everett; with exceptions for Poppy and Imelda (that added MIGHT DO YOU GOOD after a short pause, said in uplifted eager voice, warms my heart every time, sir, your gurl has found a perfect friend and she also borrows your own words did u know that; I'm sorry I just, THEY'RE SO FUNNY I CAN'T).

When Sharp was close to pointing that out -- that these… shenanigans could be a waste of life because of Fig -- during the brief conversation before turning in Diffino Assignment, he immediately reiterates with Don't let it go to your head. He wasn't meaning any of this:

Good. Ordinarily, I’d say it’s not my concern either way, but you - I want to make sure you’re well-prepared. Talent and resolve are a potent combination. It would be a shame to let that go to waste.

as a compliment (although, he's also careful with his words). These were the words of caution. The fact he tried to cover it with something to not let MC become complacent because spooky scary basilisk Professor Aesop Sharp acknowledged someone gives it away.

What he has to say about Fig, look:

I hope you know better than to let Professor Fig take you on one of his foolhardy adventures.

The man clearly doesn't want MC to waste it. Fig's fun stuff interferes with Sharp's pride in his top students; he genuinely wants her to thrive, not found dead.

BEEF BEEF BEEF BEEF BEEF BEEF BEEF BEEF BEEF BEEF BEEF

Oh, and. In the end, when after everyone's raising their cups, Sharp gets up eagerer than everyone else, and I'd like to think, MC follows.

I CAN GO ON ABOUT THIS FOR AGES.

Map Chamber: September 5, 1890

Undercroft: September 6, 1890

The Room of Requirement: September 7, 1890

I'm certain Sharp is aware of its existence. It's a what-if but I have a suspicion these notes left in the room are his and his friend's old scribbles; his second dialogue, on why he has come to Hogwarts, becomes available AFTER that quest is done and he concludes the conversation with this:

Yes. Well, I'm certain you have an empty cauldron waiting for you somewhere.

First Trial: September 13 or 14, 1890

Second Trial: October 31, 1890

Third Trial: December 17 or 18, 1890

Forth Trial: between December 31, 1890, and January 3, 1891

Battle for Repository: January 4, 1891

P.S. That's me on April, 1st after I decided to look at when was happening what in the game:

NGL I waited for the St Valentine's Day quests, Easter holidays, OWLs, ah, silly me.

I'm still struggling with December because u just listen: each of these wicked quests, from the dragon rescue to the tomb clusterfuckery with Solomon, happened all within A MONTH, including two of the remaining trials.

No wonders MC lost it at Rookwood's face and was loosing throughout the battle, the girl opened the floodgate of doom (and won).

Yuletide Recs 2019

Happy Yuletide, everyone! First, I got a delightful little fic written for me: promenade.  My Fair Lady, Eliza Doolittle and Mrs. Higgins.  Wonderful story.  Mrs. Higgins was superb, and Eliza's reactions to the English upper class abroad are perfect. Here are some other fics I have enjoyed: 4'33"--John Cage The Sound Of A Yuletide Fic Not Being Written. There sure are a lot of cars going by.  Great meta look at writing, and 4'33" The Addams Family (movies) An Addams Family Contract (Written in Secret, Signed in Blood).  “I’m an Addams,” Debbie protests indignantly. Immediately after making this statement, Debbie realized that it was true.  (Or, Wednesday wants to exorcise Debbie. Debbie wants to kill Wednesday. A negotiation begins.)  This is AMAZING and hysterically funny, and the thought of Debbie and Wednesday working together is TERRIFYING. Don't I Deserve Love (and Jewelry).  The plan to win Wednesday’s friendship did not start well. She shared her admiration for the girl’s blowtorch, then hinted about her own childhood affinity for matchsticks and fire accelerants, but Wednesday was unimpressed.  Do better,” she said before lowering her hockey mask and stalking after Pubert. Honeymoon in Transylvania.  Ahahahaha, this is wonderful.  Gomez and Morticia vs. the TSA! Alien Series A Room with a Crappy View. 17k of Ripley and Hicks awesomeness post-Aliens. This is an absolutely AMAZEBALLS fic, and I LOVE it. I love that they deal with their trauma. I love how they wrote the Colonel, doing the best she could on the evidence she had and how frustrating that was and yet, when you look at it from her POV, what better way could she have handled it? The action is great, the relationships between Ripley and Hicks and Bishop were awesome, this is an absolute treat. All About Eve Getting Back to Being a Woman.  Karen knew enough not to go to New Haven.  Never let it be said that Margo Channing doesn't know how to take care of her friends.  I love this. I could just hear Bette Davis and the others saying their lines, and the ending is perfect--I think Karen and Lloyd will be able to have a much better relationship after this, if he's willing to accept and live into the changed relationship. Till I have the possession of everything she touches.  Addison DeWitt/Eve Harrington and their daughter.  VERY well done Addison perspective. Aubrey-Maturin series. Vent de Boulet.  Jack & Aubrey, Teen.  The aftermath of Stephen's escape from the French interrogators at Port Mahon.  Wonderful portrayal of the relationship between them and natural consequences of their trauma-filled lives. Babette's Feast Body and Soul.  After the French dinner, a new normal established itself among the faithful. Ballet Shoes A Long Way from the Cromwell Road.  Petrova visits Pauline in Hollywood after the war ends. Bletchley Circle Logical Recovery.  After the showdown with Marta Magro at the warehouses, Jean, Millie, and Lucy embark for Glasgow to find Eliška. Archival research, an extended stay with Jean's cousin, undercover rescue missions, and much emotional processing of past events ensue. Cabaret Infinite Variety.  London, 1950. Clifford has coming looking for Sally. Instead he finds a girl who may or may not be her – or their – daughter, the reclusive former Master of Ceremonies, and an annoying parrot. He becomes part of their strange household, full of love and bickering; sorrow, pain and music. No-one will tell him where Sally is, or even whether she’s alive. No-one will tell him anything. Except the parrot, who tells him that life is a Cabaret.  Oh, wow, this is painful but SO GOOD and the ending is perfect. DC Teen Titans From Cold to Fire.  "Do you want to go out with me?" "What?" Young Justice Getting Stupid in your area.  Hang-time includes considerations of evil clones and taking down a newly raised lich lord.  Love the banter. Die Hard Your Answers Please.  “Come on, kid,” McClane said gruffly. “This place is fucking depressing. You’re coming to stay with me.” Enchanted Forrest Chronicles Best Served Cold.  In which Antorell causes trouble in the Enchanted Forest, and Cimorene and Alianora make an amphibious new friend.  Hilarious, I love Ribbita! Ghostbusters Better Than Roses. Janine dates. It's...something. The Goblin Emperor Imperial (non) Immunity.  Csevet doesn't get sick. Maia's not so confident. Light a Mourner's Candle.  The Archprelate finds a chaplain for Maia. Against a Sure Winter.  When the opportunity arose to become one of the four ceremonial bodyguards for the new Emperor, Cala Athmaza volunteered. He didn't fully realize what he was letting himself in for, but he knew in his heart he had made the right choice. Sugar Lumps.  Maia spends some time with his horse. Greek Mythology beauty, her artificers.  Shortly after their wedding, Aphrodite sustains a small wound.  Really great Aphrodite/Hephaestus dynamic. a thing of beauty, golden.  Olympus’ one-century wonder appears in Hephaestus’ workshop between one strike on his anvil and the next..  Another really great Aphrodite/Hephaestus fic. Hancock yeah I know the shortcut, rather take the long way. Ray daydreams a New York that looks a lot like something out of an old Daredevil comic - towers looming over the city like cragged, jaded sentries, impartial to the neon kaleidoscope of chaos churning along below them. Hancock roosts on the tallest, craggiest one of course, brooding as he watches the slow pulsing heartbeat of the city below him. Ready to dive off his perch and into action with the first cry of distress, and there’s probably lots of those in a city like New York. Lots of zooming around, saving people, saving the world. Hopefully with slightly less metaphorical middle fingers to the world. And less alcohol. Ray’s not an idiot though, and one sparkly life-changing month doesn’t just fix people. History RPF 15th Century. these late eclipses.  Anne Neville, like others of her line, is born with a gift.  I LOVE the way magic is brought into this, it melds so well with the history. 19th Century/German folklore The Bargain.  Bettina finds a secret door at her grandmother's house, one that leads to something very unexpected. The things she learns as a result change her life in small but important ways. Imperial Radch Still Left in Want of Mercy.  The Republic of Two Systems is about a month old. Seivarden is having yet another crisis - can Mercy of Kalr get her through it? Maybe, with the crew's and Fleet Captain's help.  Interesting Ship perspective. high above the trees.  An unexpected embassy. Really excellent, probably the best way I've ever seen "Awn Lives" done. The Incredibles Life of a Superhero, Junior Grade.  Fortunately, this was Tuesday night training, not a real villain-chasing experience. Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell The Magicians of Starecross Hall.  Being a series of interludes in the life of John Segundus, newly practical magician, in the year following the disappearances of Messrs. Strange and Norrell. Including: a new school for young magicians, explorations of the King’s Roads, Lady Pole’s alarming needle-work, unanticipated trips to Faerie, and John Childermass.  I love this story!  How the school got started, and 'Miss Wintertowne' (although I do think she would style herself 'Mrs' Wintertowne, because she is married and up through the 18th Century 'Mistress/Mrs' vs. 'Miss' had as much to do with age and experience and such as it did with marital status) and how she uses embroidery as a kind of art therapy.  I love the slow burn, and I love the stuff about exploring the King's Roads and Faerie.  It is excellent and awesome. Lilo & Stitch The Dance.  Lilo peeked out from behind the curtains and looked over the stage. A Little Princess Discipulae.  "I just realized," Sara said. "Becky, I could have a tutor now. I could hire someone to teach me anything I wanted. All the things that are hard to learn alone from books — Greek and Latin, Sanskrit, algebra, anything I wanted. What would you learn, Becky, if you could?"  Really great look at what their lives could be like post-canon. Marvel Captain Marvel Take my hand (and we'll march to the front lines). There's a dream Vers has sometimes. this youthful heart can love you. Carol waited a week before she left with the Skrulls. Space Cases.  Monica tried many other times to win her mother over to a pet. A rabbit, a pony, a parakeet. This is not any of those stories. This is the story of Monica Rambeau and a Flerken named Goose.  Or: Why Nick Fury is never allowed to babysit ever again. The Tesseract's Wife.  A straight line is not the shortest distance between two points: non-linear snapshots of a love story. Fly Me To The Moon.  "It's a vacation. Like spring break," Carol says. Monica's eyes widen. "Really? So we can hang out? What are we going to do?" "Well," Carol says, leaning back in her chair and flashing that old, familiar smirk. "I thought we could go to the moon." Into the Spiderverse i got you.  Miles thinks he's hiding the truth about Spider-Man, but one unfortunate night, it comes to light. one last leap.  Telling his parents he's Spider-Man is a leap of faith Miles can't bring himself to take. My Life to Liv.  Liv survived her encounters with her interdimensional Spider-nemeses, of course. So what's next for her? Interdimensional Phone Pals.  Gwen Stacy is many things, but open to friendships isn’t really one of them.  Or,  Five rules Gwen makes for herself, and how Peter B. makes her question them. Into the Spiderverse/Murder, She Wrote Spider, She Wrote.  Miles and May visit her old friend Jessica in Cabot Cove. Mulan (1998) the proper order of things. Great outsider perspective. The Mummy After the Mummy.  London was becoming Rick's least favourite place, and not just because of all the rain. Loving Evy was one thing: figuring out whether she loved him back after the Egyptian heat faded away was something else. Where's a good rising of the undead when you need one? Don't worry, Jonathan found one.  Lovely fun adventure. Course Correction.  Jonathan really is serious about staying away from tombs and mummies this time (except trouble always seems to find him). Good thing Ardeth is there to help him stay on-track. Travelers by Night.  Very quickly, Jonathan weighed the odds. On one hand, potential death, whether by armed bandits, a mummy’s curse, or people who looked like bandits and who were very angry about someone unleashing a mummy’s curse. On the other hand, potential riches, home ground, and topics of conversation other than what happened at school fifteen years ago and who got it in the neck where. Murderbot How I Spent My Vacation Between Survey Missions. What happens when ART reunites with Murderbot during another break between research survey missions? Media gets viewed, of course, but there might also be some bad news for more shady corporations. Situation Normal.  Hi, I said, along with amusement sigil 159 = wave. It seemed a little inadequate, but what do you say to the ship that radically altered your appearance, helped you figure out your past, and also threatened you with terrifying weapons? Amusement sigils seemed like my best bet. My Fair Lady Here We Are Together.  Eliza and Freddy are working together. Henry isn't happy, and makes sure everyone knows it. One Day at a Time what they say about the young. Without the kids around, it feels like everything has changed, except for all the other things about Penelope's life that could change, too. a return to normal.  Penelope and Schneider's Friday night plans fall through, so they have a movie night instead.  Very sweet. Persuasion. The Pen in Their Hands. Five letters that were written, but were never sent, aboard H.M.S. Laconia. (And one that was.) Smooth Water. “If I wanted easy comfort, I should not have become a captain’s wife.” Wonderful Austen voice. A Step Not Taken.  What if that day at Lyme had gone just a little differently? Peter Wimsey The Duke's Parlormaid.  A story in correspondence, with detective interruptions.  Really captured the feel of the books and all the character voices. Poirot The Mice Will Play.  When Poirot returns unexpectedly from a case, he finds out something new about Miss Lemon. RED The One Bathtub.  “I did have dinner plans,” Han said, grudgingly, and so Victoria kicked the door in and graciously allowed Han to be the first into the bathroom. She understood the pain of missed reservations. Rivers of London Through All the Years, This Is My Home.  At night, when the rest of the staff and most, if not all, of the masters were asleep, Molly would wander the moonlit halls and remember what fresh air felt like on her skin. Of Molly, of Thomas, and of the years they've spent together - and of the Folly, strong and everlasting.  Lovely Molly perspective. Peelian Principles.  "You're very calm about this," Seawoll said on the fifth day.  Nightingale's perspective on Peter's time as a hostage, and REALLY AWESOME. UXB.  When one the deadliest weapons of the Blitz threatens London once again, Peter finds himself on the front line.  Wonderful casefic, just perfect. Saved! Conversation Starters. Cassandra and Roland have five important conversations. Sense and Sensibility Realization and Renewal.  As Marianne recovers, Elinor and Colonel Brandon find themselves drawn to one another. Sense8 Blue and Gold.  Wolfgang comes home with Kala and Rajan after Paris. Finding a place with them. Star Trek: Rihannsu Day Comes Up New.  "I have done something spectacularly stupid," Arrhae said.  This is a wonderful extension and meditation on what might happen past canon.  Ever since I first read The Romulan Way as a teen, I've wondered what happened to Arrhae in the end, and the subsequent books were great but didn't answer the ultimate question.  This doesn't either, but it suggests something further, which I appreciate. Terminator Movies A Fistful of Sarahs.  The sky cracks open, and Sarah watches herself tumble out of a rift in the space time continuum. She’s older than she is now, and she’s got a lot more scars, and she’s carrying the biggest and weirdest looking gun Sarah’s ever seen. with all the hope in my heart (and doubt in my mind). Sarah Connor has done this before. Dani has not. Post-Terminator: Dark Fate. Fate, the Future, and Other Sons of Bitches.  Sarah and Dani hit the road. Winnie the Pooh In Which Pooh Hunts for the Meaning of Christmas.  Pooh finds a mysterious envelope pinned to the door of his house. In Which Eeyore Loses His Tail Again, Or At Least Plans To.  It's a bright, sunny day, and Eeyore has a plan to make it tolerable. Now if only his friends will cooperate.

I Do Not Like how websites keep integrating desktop platforms with their mobile apps, like my dude my guy what will happen if my mobile device, which I often hold out in public, gets snatched from my poor slimy fingers. Do you offer insurance for when that happens. Why does a phone-centric world have to be A Default.

I have never felt more alone on any of my usual hangouts so, I guess it really is time for me to move on. I only held on for a bit longer in hopes of getting more customers, but this past year had been particularly bad for me.

So yeah, I'm bidding goodbye to it. To my art endeavors. To my projects and WIPs. To my friends too.

Maybe we'll meet again someday.

There is a clear difference between knowing one thing and being made to feel that it's a fact. And right now, I'm doubting if the people who claim to like or love me actually feel that way, or are just pretending to do so.

I cringed at my own writing for Arcanium. Nice.

That result from the latest uquiz I took said something about feeling at home with people other than family. It got me thinking about how, if you're a fan of something, you're considered a part of a community.

However, I find this notion untrue from the fan perspective these days.

When I become a fan of something, I don't necessarily feel belonging to a community. A community has its own set of soft rules, see? It's been that way for a long time, especially when I disengaged from a certain fandom I had been creating a lot for.

I also noticed that this applies to more than just the series I like. It's also with me in the sphere of broader communities such as being an artist, being a writer, and being a gamedev. I just feel so out of place next to everybody, detached from things they passionately care about, and struggling (and forcing) myself to like things and people that the community likes. There are people who say they like me and my works, but a lot of times I can't bring myself to say the same thing. I can't assimilate into the subculture enough to make me feel like it's a part of me.

And all I feel is just burnout, disgust towards myself for failing commitments, and devastating loneliness that feeds my impostor syndrome.

Perhaps that's why I feel so sensitive about community events such as Secret Santa exchanges, zine projects, and other activities. I try so hard to reach out and be part of a community - even going beyond my comfort zone - but the community, in some way or another, closes its door on me. I know that it's really nobody's fault, but I just can't help but feel like a true oddball.

I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling so alone.

I just want people to know that I have chosen not to do any more Secret Santas with people I don't know very well because the last person who was my giftee in a fandom Secret Santa never ever responded to my gift. Not a thank you, not a reblog/like/kudos, and not even a "sorry I don't like this".

Anyway, Giftee, if you're out there, I hope your other Santas in other events got you better gifts I can ever provide. I'm sorry I disappointed you or did whatever caused you to walk away. It's fine; just don't do it again.

Also, for anyone's reference, please don't ever invite me to one if it won't involve my friends. It makes me feel all the more horrible. Please keep it to yourself.

Me and my last bastianne of sanity

Maybe I do fear change.

Moving onto new endeavors you thought you wouldn’t enjoy as much as you do right now, and leaving the things you thought you really really really loved... is pretty difficult.

And even bitter is the fact that every time you start a new big thing, you’d tell yourself, “I’ll finally finish a big thing!” but you just fail anyway.

I’m starting to think that fandom involvement is a bad idea and the “do what you like” thing is no longer applicable for me.

I want to do art for a living again.

I don't want it to be "just a hobby".

I want it to be mine, full and true.

Just a few updates (also mini rants on multiple topics in succession):

These days, I find tougher and tougher to allot time for certain endeavors. I like creating stuff; I still like playing games; I still like fan works. It's just been difficult to enjoy them, and recently they've been feeling like less of hobbies and more of obligations.

Speaking of obligations, doing an AV3 playthrough was probably not the best idea. I've spent 40+ hours on three of its games on normal mode. (Why normal mode instead of easy? Because easy mode makes battles less fun.) I really only wanted to play it for Mel's story, but I feel like it's dragged on for so, so long.

The writing mostly feels like a silly downgrade from AV1 and AV2. The first two parts were more or less tolerable, with a few things that irked me and failed to bring out an intended emotion from me. However, the third part just really... no. The only thing I enjoy here is gameplay, because AV did find a good balance of the battle system. However, the story is just too painful for me to read, because I feel like the story removed most meaning and development from its previous installments. For me, it's like a fandom-approved fanfic. And I had to do majority of this game consulting a walkthrough to navigate its too-convoluted mazes and equally convoluted side quests. No, despite my complaints, I'm a few steps away from the final fight, but I'm ready to move on to other stuff, really.

Speaking of moving on, I have no idea what to do with my SK fanfic. I promised a second arc rewrite twice; it feels sillier the more I think about it. I feel like I should move on, but I also feel an obligation to it. I started this mess; I know how it's supposed to go down; I should be able to at least write one more arc?

But, my muse can no longer connect with it that strongly. I do feel desire to continue it, but when I get to think about it, I get nothing. I don't get it. I love the characters. I love the idea. Why can't I write about them anymore? Why do most of my creative concepts now flow to a super new thing that can't even stand on its own foundations yet?

And these things make me think: Am I so jaded? Am I so cynical? Am I broken?

Why. Can't. I. Be. Normal?

Thankfully, there is a bit of good news, and that is: I'm moving closer to releasing an Arcanium: Magia demo for my friends (target: July-August 2022). It will only be limited to them; the purpose of the demo is to find errors and areas of improvement to guide the rest of the development. It will contain a lot of placeholder sprites and graphics; it will only have Area 1 and a preview of Area 2 (of 5-6 areas).

After I tweak things to their feedback and load in the final sprites and graphics, I could hopefully extend the demo to a proper Area 2 showcase. And by the end of this year (December 2022), maybe I could have a proper demo out.

Is this game going to be commercial? I don't know yet. Either way, I hope this game does get realized. Not only is it part of my attempt to reconnect with my interest in programming, but also it is a way for me to create something not fandom-related. My real own idea, donut steal series. It may be small, but it's mine. Something of my own.

Sorry; I'm having feelings.

My family does think that if something's meant for you, then everything in the universe will align so that it will be yours no matter the odds.

So if I'm trying to pursue a career in art and/or writing, but both seem to always escape my grasp, then does that mean the universe wants me to fulfill something else? How do I become someone I'm not? How do I break away from the things that build so much of me?

The fact is, I'm not very good at keeping commitments. And people need to stop telling me otherwise, that stopping is a good thing, that it's okay to say you want out, that nothing is wrong about putting things aside, because I'm just going to be a mossless rolling stone. Maybe for others they really need to roll away to grow, but for me I need the moss.

Not being able to love or appreciate something else than what one's heart is drawn to shouldn't be peculiar, but funnily enough, that's apparently part of what contributes to my failures. But really, if I love something and I learn so much from it and I've built a good foundation of knowledge for it, why am I supposed to cast it away in favor of the popular stable moneymaker endeavors?