It's not uncommon at all to miss your abuse, to miss disordered behaviours, or miss when you were at your worst.

It's understandable why you might feel like you have no clue what to do - recovery is an uncertainty. It is unfamiliar, it is scary. It's okay to long for the stability of those dark parts of your story. You aren't a bad person, you aren't ungrateful, nor are those feelings proof that you cannot recover.

You still deserve to recover, however that looks for you. You don't need to run from yourself, you are not a net negative.