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peaceoutofthepieces · 4 years

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Sink Or Swim

tag list: @cleocc @feeling-kinda-so-so @hopelessromanticvirgo @dreamy-slytherin @adora8 @lockerfivethreefive @painfully-oblivious @poeticinemaa @jjustonemorething @saraben00 @wedarkacademia @coolguyssyndrome @hischbabe @suckerforsobbe @tayspots @starmansander @theah0lt @zoenneforever @invisibleme @chibibanane

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Sunday, 12:40

Song: Peter Manos - In My Head

Lucas is surprised his dad hasn’t come to tell him how pathetic he is yet. He supposes it isn’t necessary. Lucas is more than aware of it himself.

He’d dragged himself out to go to the bathroom and get breakfast and managed to avoid a run-in. Now he’s curled up in his bed with the covers pulled up to his neck, trying not to feel too sorry for himself.

It isn’t easy.

He’s tempted to call Kes, but he’d called him yesterday, and he doesn’t want to be so needy. He’s thought about messaging Isa, but he isn’t really sure what he would say. He’s sure they’re all busy anyway. Possibly even hanging out together. Without him. As is likely the new normal already.

Lucas had been so sure he’d found his new normal already, too, but nothing feels normal about his situation anymore. He feels more stupid than anything. He doesn’t know what he’s been thinking. He doesn’t know how he has managed to mess everything up so massively already.

Jens was offering him friendship, and of course Lucas went overboard with it. Of course he’s a fool.

He’s spent the weekend rewatching the vlogs. He’s already in that deep.

It goes against all his rules, but he can’t bring himself to stop. He can’t get any of it out of his head. He can’t stop feeling Jens’s hands on his hips, or his breath on his ear. He can’t stop remembering the pump of his heart when Jens has done nothing more than smile. He can’t stop imagining what Jens might have done, if Lucas hadn’t pulled away from their dance, if Lucas had made up for it when Jens pulled him down to sit in front of him by leaning right back against his chest. He can’t stop considering all the possibilities that have never been possible in the first place.

He can’t stop seeing Jens with her, looking entirely at home.

He’d avoided Instagram entirely yesterday, resisting the temptation to open Jens’s message or stalk his page or Jana’s for any possible torture. He hates how dramatic his heart is being. He knew not to expect anything, and he’d let himself get much too carried away anyway. Jens had just seemed so close and so possible. Now Lucas is realising the boy is probably even more like Kes than he thought.

Lucas is long over that, but there’s still a leftover sting regardless, even as he cringes at his own thoughts and thoughtless actions. It makes him feel worse, sometimes, now that the feelings have slipped away, to look back at it, but he can’t quite bring himself to regret it.

It’s given him plenty of time to come to terms with everything. With himself. He can’t exactly bring himself to regret something that taught him so much.

It just obviously hasn’t taught him enough.

It’s in moments like this where a little of that self-hate returns with full force, and he can’t help wishing that he was just normal. It wouldn’t feel like this, if he was just crushing on a girl who didn’t return his feelings.

He might have no proof to back this up, but he feels pretty sure of it all the same.

It would be fine, if he thought it wouldn’t mess anything up with Jens. He’s mostly angry with himself because of how much he’s already letting it affect him. He had run from the party without even saying goodbye, and he hasn’t responded to the message that Jens had so sweetly sent him afterwards. Or to the second message Jens had sent him yesterday, saying that he hoped Lucas got there safe and was having fun. He’d laughed at the irony of it. He doesn’t know how to explain to Jens that he’s completely miserable, and that he hadn’t gone anywhere in the first place.

He’s lying in his bed in Antwerp, and he’s giving in and clicking on Jens’s Instagram story.

It’s a video of him at the skatepark, flying up the ramp towards the camera, grinning as he jumps off his board and pushes the person away. The responding giggles sound like they come from Robbe. He looks as beautiful as ever, and Lucas wishes more than anything that he could join them. The pained twist of his heart isn’t entirely strong enough to make him want to stay away. It’s just an additional ache.

He escapes the app in a rush and opens Spotify, hoping to distract himself. His fingers twitch, tempted to draw, but there’s already a cramp in them. It was all he’d done yesterday. He’d needed to get his thoughts out, needed to put his emotions on paper, in something real, and endless sketches had poured out, inspired by the past few weeks. He’d sketched Sander first, stood in the art shop with his camera and his smirk. He’d sketched Luca, taking care with her curls and her glasses, one eye closed in a wink, adding extra details as he refused to pour out his mind’s main focus.

It still hadn’t stopped him from creating a dozen sketches of Jens, most only half-completed, the image lost midway as another one came to the forefront.

He needs a break from feeling like this, for a while. Before he remembers that he has to return to school tomorrow, where it will be unavoidable.

He doesn’t get very far, unable to make up his mind, before a notification pops up at the top of his screen and destroys any notion of forgetting his feelings.

Jens has messaged him again. Undeterred, it seems, by Lucas’s previous lack of response.

hey, you’re probably still busy but I was wondering what time you would be back? I’m at the skatepark with the boys, and we’ll probably be here until late, if you wanted to join for a while

Before Lucas can even take this in, another message appears.

you’re probably staying with your friends until the evening though, so don’t worry about it

Lucas blinks at the message with furrowed brows. At first his heart twists, thinking Jens has changed his mind and is politely telling him not to come after all. But the rushed manner in which it had been sent makes him doubt himself, and he rereads it again, searching for the purpose of it. The meaning behind it. Another thought comes to mind, but he can’t quite let himself entertain it. That can’t be right.

There’s no way that Jens is nervous.

It sounds an awful lot like he might be, though, the more Lucas reads it over. He begins to feel a little bad. He hadn’t thought too much on what his distance might feel like to Jens. He hadn’t considered the idea that he’s being unfair. It isn’t Jens’s fault, that Lucas feels hurt. He couldn’t possibly know. Lucas hopes that he doesn’t know. To Jens, it probably feels like Lucas is ignoring him now that he’s with his friends in Utrecht. That he simply takes a back seat. Lucas is the terrible person for knowingly hurting him this way.

He can’t help but smile slightly, and then his hands are moving on their own, opening the message and typing a reply.

I’m already home

It appears as ‘seen’ almost instantly, and it takes just as little time for the typing bubble to appear.

you left early? is everything okay?

I never went

He watches the texting bubble appear and disappear a few times before quickly typing out another message.

came home to my dad waiting for me. he found my (very small) stash. wasn’t pleased.

The typing bubble doesn’t appear for long now.

shit

grounded? I was wondering why you hadn’t replied

Lucas hadn’t even realised that he was creating the perfect out for himself. It’s that simple. It probably makes sense, that his grounding would include a lack of phone privileges. It isn’t too extreme, especially if it includes the idea that he’d already gotten it back. He could let Jens believe that his father had dished out that mini, extra punishment. He won’t even be lying. Not really. He just won’t be mending Jens’s incorrect assumption. Skipping over a tiny detail.

yep. I am to remain in this house indefinitely

fuck

he couldn’t be convinced to let you out for even an hour?

Lucas blinks.

Could his father be convinced?

Can Lucas?

He doesn’t have to think about it too long.

let’s check

He locks his phone and slips out of bed, suddenly eager. Determined. Still, he’s slow and quiet as he opens his door, and he winces at the faint creak of the hinges. He tiptoes up the hallway towards the kitchen, running through what he should say, giving himself a bit of extra time. He needs to go into this with patience. He needs to stay resolute. His father will shut him down the instant he blows up, so he simply needs to keep his cool. Throw in some persuasion. It’ll be difficult, probably, but not impossible. Hopefully.

Only his father isn’t in the kitchen, or the adjoining sitting room. Lucas furrows his brows in confusion and moves back down the hallway. The bathroom is unlocked and empty, and his father’s door lies open, proving without any doubt that the room is unoccupied. He’s completely alone in the flat.

His heart thrums and his mind races in time with the quickening beat. He’s not the most passive person in the world, and he wouldn’t let himself be walked over, and he’s not a model citizen. This isn’t too far past his realm of disobedience.

His father is already beyond pissed, and while Lucas initially cringes at the thought, he shrugs it off.

Might as well go the extra mile.

He heads back to his room and pulls a sweater on over his t-shirt, a light pastel green Isa had once bought him. He snatches his denim jacket from the hook by the front door and swipes up his keys as he shrugs it on. He hesitates for half a second before returning to collect his skateboard from his room, and then he’s off.

I’m on my way

Jens’s response is instant.

fucking nice :D

Lucas’s lips quirk, and he shakes his head slightly, and feels unbearably fond. Jens is so easy. Everything he does is so easy. He’s a steadily burning flame, bright and warm and sure, and Lucas is another brainless moth. Drawn in and set alight.

He doesn’t even know how he’s managed to develop such a ridiculous crush so quickly. He just hopes he can get rid of it in the same manner. Maybe he should be giving himself more time, especially now that he has a genuine excuse. He could have stepped neatly away from Jens for a while with the excuse of his imprisonment and Jens would understand. Lucas knows he would. He knows that would be the best thing to do. It’s unfair to Jens and himself to indulge these feelings, the excitement and the urgency and the pleasure at the mere idea of seeing him.

But Lucas has been miserable the past few days, and it’s starting to make his head whir in much more dangerous directions. He just needs to appease it for a moment. He just needs to see Jens once and let his heart quiet.

He’ll be pleased, at this stage, to see any of them. It makes sense for him to want to join as many of these outings as he can. He’s just beginning to fit into this friend-group.

The skatepark is relatively full, as to be expected for a Sunday afternoon, but it takes Lucas no time to find them. His eyes seek out Jens automatically and he finds him easily where he’s now sat at the top of the half pipe, laughing at someone Lucas doesn’t bother looking at and occasionally glancing at his phone. Lucas has to pause for a second and gather himself, squashing down the mixed emotions that bubble up and plastering on a smile.

It’s only when he’s halfway towards him that he does a double take, catching sight of white-blonde hair. His smile slips into something more real, and some of his familiar bounce returns to his step as he heads towards them.

“Yo, Lucas!” The cheer comes unexpectedly from Moyo, and Lucas twists around until he can see him, jogging in the same direction to meet him as he finally stops next to Jens, kicking up his skateboard and catching the tip in his hand.

Jens smiles up at him, left eye squinting more than the right against the sun. He’s still wearing just a shirt and a deep red hoodie, but he looks soft and warm and pleased as Lucas sits down next to him. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Lucas returns, feeling uncharacteristically shy, nerves twisting in his chest. The party and the hours before it skim through his mind, and then the hours after and all of yesterday when he’d attempted to purge himself of all unwanted feelings, pushing this boy away in the process. He doesn’t deserve the easy friendship Jens has handed him. He’s taken advantage of such an innocent thing, and Jens has absolutely no idea. He wouldn’t look so fond if he did.

“You got grounded?” Moyo questions him as he swings up next to them, dropping down on Jens’s other side with furrowed brows.

Lucas shrugs, twisting his hands together in his lap. “Pretty much, yeah.”

“What? Why?”

Lucas twists around to look at Robbe, who has finally detached himself from his boyfriend long enough to notice Lucas’s presence and migrate over. Lucas catches Sander’s gaze over his shoulder and Sander brightens, slipping around Robbe to greet him. Lucas allows him to clasp their hands together with a grin, but ducks away when he moves to ruffle his hair.

“My little protégé. I was starting to think these idiots were never going to let me see you again.”

Lucas huffs, shaking his head as Sander simply drops down to sit cross-legged behind him. Robbe looks at Lucas and rolls his eyes fondly, and Lucas watches with a twist in his stomach as he sits down behind Sander, wrapping his limbs around him and letting him settle back against his chest. “You say that like I listen to them.”

Sander raises his brows at this, nodding approvingly, and this is when Jens makes a small noise in the back of his throat, strangled with confusion.

Lucas looks at him to see him glancing between him and Sander in deep concentration. “Have you already met?”

“Yeah, on Thursday at the art shop,” Sander says easily. “We had a very educational chat.”

Lucas snorts, thinking of the mini lesson Sander had given him on all his favourite dead, supposedly-gay artists as he led him around the store and then to an ice cream stand down the street, instantly winning Lucas’s heart. It may not have been the most educational experience, but it had been enough for Lucas to learn that Sander is someone he could get along with.

Jens swivels to look at Robbe. “You knew about this?”

Robbe hums. “Yeah?”

“Since when?”

“That night?”

Sander takes in Jens’s expression of utter betrayal and snorts, and Lucas can’t help but raise his own brow in amusement as Jens turns his pout towards him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Lucas tilts his head. “Why was I supposed to?”

Jens struggles to form a response to that, pout deepening, and Lucas really wishes he’d stop doing things like that. He wishes he would stop treating them as if they are so close, the way Robbe and Sander are close, sharing everything automatically and having a sunk-in understanding. He wishes Jens would make it easier for Lucas to let go of this idea of something more between them.

Sander knocks his leg against Lucas’s arm to get his attention, and his expression is dramatically serious. “Jens just gets a little jealous,” he mock-whispers, loud enough even for Moyo to hear him and let out a snort.

Jens’s pout shifts into a scowl and he rolls his eyes, and Sander knocks a leg against him instead in some semblance of apology. He raises his brows at Lucas, however, in a silent ‘told you’.

“What, you don’t seriously think Sander is going to steal me away or something, do you?” Lucas can’t help but tease, raising his brows in interest.

Moyo butts in with a laugh of his own, gesturing at Sander and hitting Jens’s arm. “Sander is basically a part of the group anyway, man. Where would he go?”

“That’s not the point,” Jens mumbles, mostly under his breath. Before anyone can question him on it, he’s turning back to Lucas and asking, “How’d you get your dad to let you out, anyway?”

Lucas shrugs, smiling sheepishly. “I didn’t. He wasn’t there, so I just left.”

“Ahh, a little rebel,” Sander teases.

Robbe huffs a laugh. “A match made in heaven.”

“Don’t encourage them,” Jens protests, leaving Sander sticking his tongue out at him. His gaze turns concerned as he looks at Lucas. “Won’t that make it worse for you when you get back?”

Lucas isn’t sure it can get much worse, but he can say with certainty that this is the happiest he’s been this weekend. It’s bad. This familiar warmth flooding through his chest under Jens’s gaze. It would probably be best for him, to be locked up at home.

But he can’t bring himself to regret this, either.

He gives another shrug, allows himself to smile, allows himself to enjoy how easily Jens returns it when he says, “It’ll be worth it.”

#van der stoffels #vds #wtfock #skam nl #sink or swim #vds season fic #sos clip

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owl-eyed-woman · 7 years

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Attack on Titan Season 2 Episode Reviews - Episode 1

It’s been a hard four years. But now, the wait is finally over. Attack on Titan is back and all is right with the world. So, with the advent of a new season (and a new era of joy in my life), I’ve decided to review/recap each episode of AOT Season 2. A bit of background: I was a big fan of AOT season 1 while it was airing, and after rewatching the anime these past two days in two glorious 6 hours chunks, it’s clear that this fangirl fire still burns. However, I have not read the manga - yes, I somehow managed to repress that temptation and yes, the struggle was very real. But honestly, not reading the manga has been a conscious decision on my part. I found the twists and turns so vital and thrilling in the first anime that I wanted to retain that experience for the second season. So expect a lot of shocked reactions and enthusiastic ramblings with each revelation, and perhaps some ill-advised speculation. There will most likely be some gushing in these reviews, but I will endeavour to include incisive critical analysis, of course. Enough background, onto the review! The show begins with a wonderfully brief recap, (good work show) before picking up where we literally left off, addressing that final, tantalising shot of the last the season: a titan within the wall. This is exactly what we needed, no pussyfooting around, no wasting time, we’ve only got 12 episodes so let’s just get right to it! Before the shock can settle in, Pastor Nick begs Hanji to keep the titan out of the sunlight, which is ominous to say the least. Hanji complies with this but, desperate for an explanation, tries to interrogate the Pastor, threatening to drop him from the wall. Pastor Nick remains tight-lipped though, knowing so much more than he’d ever willingly divulge, even under threat of death. It’s a potent reminder that they’re not just fighting titans but the worst parts of human nature, be it corruption, greed, complacency or, in this case, blind faith and irrationality. As a character, Hanji has always had this intensity about her, but her personality and thirst for knowledge has been presented more light-heartedly as almost goofy. Here though, we get to see some of the frightening ways this intensity can manifest as well as their very genuine frustration that the knowledge they desperately need is constantly hidden from them. It’s a necessary reminder of the emotional depths of a character who is too often dismissed as a ‘mad scientist’; they too have seen many comrades die for humanity’s survival and are just as dedicated to the cause, willing to kill or even be killed. But even more shocking than that, in the face of this new information, Hanji, one of the most joyful and enthusiastic characters in the show, isn’t invigorated or scheming, they’re just exhausted and terrified by the depths of their ignorance. Crucial information has always been hard-won for our mains, but not only that, it’s how much they don’t know that truly terrifies and takes a heavy toll.

No time to rest, though! Further demonstrating that AOT intends to use every second of its runtime, not only is a titan attack imminent, it actually arrived 12 hours earlier and the battle is already well under way. Following this revelation, the episode flashes back 12 hours to the activities of the rest of 104th cadets who are having some downtime at the Scout Regiment barracks. Being a soldier isn’t always high-stakes, sometimes it’s just sitting around, bored. It looks like this season will be focusing a lot more on the side characters and I am very excited if this is the case. AOT has been the ‘Eren/Mikasa/Armin Show’ for a while and it will be good for the show overall to start fleshing out some of their thus far underutilised characters, like Bertholdt, Reiner and Conny, who have been sketched more vaguely in character terms. Oh, and Ymir and Krista too! Yeah, there’s a fair few I’m excited to learn more about.

As the first to encounter the incoming Titan attack, the 104th cadets are tasked with alerting the surrounding villages, but have no time to get into gear. The difficulty of prepping ODM gear is something I’ve thought about and clearly it’s on the showrunner’s minds as well with the opening featuring the gang suiting up, so to speak. ODM gear is amazing but by god does it look complicated and very intricate (I may or may not have had a dream once about frantically trying to put together my own set to fight a titan, but I digress). I’m digging this greater sense of vulnerability or even nakedness that comes with such a simple development and the ways it may change how future conflict is addressed. Not only this, the emotional stakes have been significantly raised for several of the characters as their home towns and families are explicitly and immediately at risk. The stage has been set for some tense, future moments!

In a brief digression from this main action, we visit Eren who is still recuperating from his titan battle. While Mikasa sleeps peacefully at his bedside, Eren dreams of his mother admonishing him for his weakness and his constant reliance on Mikasa. Eren has always had a complex regarding his own weakness and inability to protect those close to him – I mean, AOT literally begins with Eren unable to save his mother. He so desperately wants to protect those around him, but, unfortunately, Eren just isn’t the best protector, Mikasa is. Because of this, Eren often resents Mikasa and pushes her away when she attempts to get closer to him.

So, what does his comment about buying Mikasa a new scarf signify? The scarf is a symbol of several things; it symbolises their bond as family, Mikasa’s devotion to Eren and how he grounds her, and for Eren, quite simply, the time he saved her life. So, with this comment, Eren is renewing his commitment to being the protector instead of the protected with a new scarf showing that he has protected Mikasa as he once did. It seems as though he has entirely missed the point– Eren has always been a bit emotionally dense, especially when it comes to Mikasa. For Eren, the scarf primarily and most importantly represents the time her saved her physically. But for Mikasa, what matters is how he saved her emotionally. Eren’s heart is in the right place, as he is trying, in his own way, to say he truly cares about Mikasa. But Mikasa doesn’t need Eren to protect her, she needs him to be there for her emotionally. I’m interested to see if this dynamic plays out this season and how Eren and Mikasa continue to grow. Regardless, it’s nice to have a quiet character moment in such a plot heavy episode, even if it is more of a setup for future development than anything momentous in and of itself.

But there is only one star in this episode and that is the beast titan! Miche, who volunteers to stay behind to hold off the titans and give the others a head start, is given the dubious honour of first encountering him in all his glory. The design of the titans has always been such a vibrant, varied part of the show, in one moment unsettling, in another goofy and in yet another absolutely terrifying. The beast titan is yet another example of Hajime Isayama’s keen eye for designing unique and startling creatures. So much meaning is packed into his design! His almost ridiculously stocky, square body suggests a terrifying strength. His as of yet unseen 17m height highlights the fact that he can’t be classified under our previous understanding of titans.* His fur sharply distinguishes him from humanity and normal titans but his expressive, humanoid face and piercing, intelligent eyes throws into sharp relief his connection to us, and the threat his intelligence presents. Long ape-like arms combine the bestial with the uncanny while the decision to reference primate anatomy again suggests an uncomfortable proximity to humanity and hints at the theme of evolution. The beast titan is so effectively frightening because he occupies this uncomfortable, liminal space between species, further emphasising the increasingly unstable boundary between titan/beast and human.

It’s only appropriate for this to be the titan that delivers us a bombshell: some titans can talk. AOT has always been about breaking down the divides between monsters and humans, and the implications of this are mind-blowing. This reveal is also perfectly paced, with his first line delivered offscreen as we focus on Miche’s reaction instead. The action of the show itself seems to pause, forcing us to stew in this feeling of disbelief before confirming the origin of the voice. It’s the filmic equivalent of someone saying “is that what I think it is?”, revelling in that moment of incredulous shock. They’ve chosen a great voice too, appropriately ominous and imposing. It’s fair to say I am both terrified and mesmerised by everything about the Beast titan: his design, his voice, his intelligence, the way he can control the titans and how he seems to be studying humanity. As a side note, I want to give a shout out the to the goggle-eyed, big nosed chibi titan. He is disgusting and I love him.

In the end, Miche, shaking off his shock, tries for one last, heroic attack before being devoured under the beast titan’s orders. I will miss you, weird sniffing guy. To be honest, I found this death scene a little too sadistic. While gory deaths are undeniably part of the appeal of AOT and essential to keeping the stakes high and tense, it seems to go on for just a touch too long as we see him being violently torn and bitten apart by several titans. There’s a fine line between impressing the visceral terror of such a death and revelling in the violence thus cheapening the moment. Ultimately though, any opinion on this is intensely personal and, in this case, I won’t definitely rule on whether Miche’s death is tasteful or tasteless.

And now after waiting four long years, a new wait begins for the next episode. It’s going to be a long, long week. See you Sunday!

*Yes, there have been taller titans (colossal ones even) but I think its’ notable that his height of 17m specifically surpasses the typical classifications of titans i.e. 15m titans. **I did not expect to write this much, I will try to keep things more succinct next time

#attack on titan #aot #shingeki no kyojin #snk #anime #review #attack on titan episode 26 #attack on titan season 2

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