#and the past is like 1 week ago
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i hope today's polls bring some of the motorics guys up front that would be fun. they barely ever front like whaddahell
#mod Concept#savvy still has a pokemon save file to finish for example and they haven't fronted properly in MONTHS#composure was frontstuck likeeee 2 weeks ago but then disappeared where the fuck did you go dude#we've existed for lil over a year in this system and we've all seen hand/eye a grand total of like 3 times like WHAT the fuck man#im convinced they're all hiding from us [joke]#needless to say our body's motorics abilities are Very Weak . this body is very clumsy without any of them around HDDJJSDJDJSJ#ANYWAYS! it's 1 am over here where we're at so the polls will go up later this afternoon around .... whenever we wake up properly.#which ummmm. is like. past 2 pm . lmao#back to bed we go I guess!
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we could be really cute roller skating besties who jam to vaporwave and mallsoft in the city at sunset but nobody i know wants to leAVE THEIR FUCKING HOUSE & TRY NEW THINGS
#B R O#I HAVE MADE 5 NEW RL FRIENDS IN THE PAST WEEK#AND NONE OF THEM WANNA DO ANYTHING EVER#W H Y#like they’re cool people fr but 😭#i don’t understandddd why is is so fucking hard to find people who aren’t afraid of literally everything#what the hap is fuckening#a few years ago i had soooo many friends who were down to do whatever whenever#and it’s like that just#died in everyone around me#shit i know times are tough but it’s things like this that actually help make u feel better#i swear they do why can’t just 1 person trust me and take chance and leap & SEE what i’m talking about#😭😭😭😭😭#i’m gonna c r y i just want my friends to love life again#apple babble 🍎#non fandom#also i meant weeks not weeks lmao i don’t expect anyone to do anything in the 1st week omg#i’m not THAT bitch#WEEK****#jfc CAN I TYPE NORMALLY FOR ONCE OMFG#WHY DOES AUTOCORRECT CORRECT INTO GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT THINGS
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my anxiety has been ~so~ high since I opened my eyes this morning and I won't go away and I have so much to do but I've just been sitting in my rocking chair totally frozen ive been up since like 730 and even took a quick shower when I woke up so much wasted time and now im just here and not moving 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
#i have a psych appt at 1 and have to tell her i stopped takong my anti d's months ago cuz i realized they were making my pain worse#and making eberything such an exhausting effort. wouldve told her sooner but i kept getting rescheduled 🙄#then i meet with my prof to talk abt my capstone project but i havent done anything with it for the past week#cuz i had like 3 days of migraines and was so exhausted then i worked the last 2 days#it was super nice yesterday so i had a bonfire and probably had a few too many beers maybe im just hungover and its presenting as anxiety??#idk man im so stressed and tired and theres so much to do but so little time and i feel like i just wasted the past 7 days#ugh
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ooh, also, i had a fun dream last night
essentially, me and a group of friends are dealing with vampires, and are going to need to infiltrate a big party being held by a fuck ton of them. the plan we come up with is to impersonate a family who have been invited, which involves a bunch of strange stuff.
notably, i am playing the role of a woman called Josephine Brumont, wife of the other older vampire (played by a guy in our group that i have 0 romantic interest in), and who is a belgian expat (wallonia specifically, i suppose). this is something of a problem, as i am definitely not belgian, and my french is abysmal. but im the only person in the group who can possibly play josephine, so josephine i am.
we arrive just on the stroke of 10, having had an ordeal to get there in our disguises. and now that we're there, we find out what the party is really about - solving some murder than occured recently. the host had invited everyone who was a suspect, plus the +1s and so on that would make this seem normal. uhoh!!!
we're each one by one interrogated by the host. I manage to bumble my way through my interrogation, explaining my 'improved english' to the work of my dear and patient husband, and having the answers to questions bc we were quite possibly actually involved in the murder. unclear.
i'm then asked a question that i, isaac, would have no way of knowing, but josephine would know in a heartbeat. my "husband" is like 'oh shit oh fuck'. but lo! i have a lil psychic vision, and im able to explain exactly what josephine was doing at a given time. im released from talking.
that question was meant as a trap, and because i passed, they dont give a shit about me anymore. but some other guy isnt buying it. something up with me. when the lights briefly go out, he attacks me. surprising him considerably, im able to fight him off, flinging the knife he attacked me with away towards the table of refreshments, and berating him for daring to lay a hand on me in such a fashion. he gets dragged off. the vibes suggest he may have been the actual killer, but its not important.
however, i didnt fight him off that well. he stabbed him in the back, in a spot that gets hidden by my long hair (a wig?) and my shawl.
the dream at this point has what i call a 'remix' moment, where it happens close enough to being awake that i can choose to redo it. in the first version, i go up to my "husband" and inform him of The Injury, and beg him to actually turn me into a vampire so i dont die from it. there an argument, which doesnt get the chance to resolve, but i assume involves the fact we're in public and turning me now would reveal that i was human initially. problematic, yknow.
in the second version, i completely hide the injury from everyone, including from my friends, because i know vampires dont bleed. if i reveal that im bleeding, well. so i hide it, get by on adrenaline for a while. for some reason or another, our group get found out (NOT because of me, as far as i can tell) and we are forced to flee to the fancy car we drove here, and we speed off into the night.
its in the backseat of the car, with the member of my group that i'm closest to, that they found out about the successful stabbing.
in my musings later, i decided part of the reason they didnt realise i was actually injured (other than ~exceptional acting~) was that when i threw away my assailants dagger, it hit the punch bowl full of blood on the refreshments table, so that when anyone spots the bloody dagger, they assume its from the spilt bunch, not from Me, Josephine Brumont, 100% Real Vampire.
the later musings also had my friend in the backseat turning me into a vampire when it became unavoidably clear that we were not going to make it to a hospital in time for me to not actually bleed the fuck out, making it the only way to save ya bois life ✌ booyeah
#dream blogging#this is the second vampire dream ive had in recent memory and thats very strange bc i dont really read vampire stuff#i do sorta fuck with this one even if my brains like. hm. you combined a bunch of things here#the bit with me becoming a vampire to save my life? felt very twilight-y. the josephine vision?#not a 1-1 but it felt very 'anya remembering a detail from her past' from anastasia#and then the whole ball bit was probably just me ripping off wwdits which me and my friends watched recently#the first vampire dream predated me watching that movie so truly im at a loss. i watched it like 3 weeks ago#ah well. was fun!
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oof i've just finished my first drawing in a YEAR that's crazy idk how i managed to last so long without drawing BUT it turned out really well and i'm proud!! i have to draw the second piece to go with it before i post it though but man was it good to draw again
#it's a good omens fanart btw#i really like how it turned out and i'm really surprised i even remember how to draw at all haha#it took me a LONG time to finish it because 1) i decided to try out a fun new coloring technique and it always ends up like that#2) i did NOT have the time/brain to finish it these past few weeks even though i started drawing it like 2 weeks ago#but i finished it yayyy#i have too many wips that i never finished so i'm really proud of this one 🫶#it's really late why is it so late#why does time fly so fast whenever i start drawing#that's why i can never find the time to do it these days lol#btw in the meantime i finished a smaller piece for my friend and i'll post it in a bit!!#i drew it a few days ago#so well maybe that one is actually my first drawing in a year 😅#even if i started drawing it later#if i'm not making any sense it's because it's really late. btw. so ignore it 🫶#my post#personal
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3 years since its birth
2 years since its death
Memento Mori
Unus Annus
#markiplier#crankgameplays#unus annus#man it’s odd to think that it’s been so long#legitimately feel like it was only a couple of weeks ago#we were celebrating 1 year past
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any moots who experience hypomania/mania: what does it feel like? bc i'm honestly Concerned rn
#thoughts#tldr i went from like a 6 month long severe depressive episode to feeling Super Fucking Great Mentally(TM) a couple of weeks back#but as i've noticed w other periods like this in the past. i'm a little bit out of control ?? like overly ambitious and disorganised#brain too fast type shit which idk if i can solely chalk up to my adhd when it gets like this#oh and also paranoia! which i get a lot anyway but it's worse rn!#and spamming the group chats with cursed ass fkn jokes and any tiny thing i find funny bc omg i'm so funny !!#just this need to talk and talk and talk and do and plan and ideas and take on the world but i'm too chaotic to actually work on shit#oh by the by i was informally dx'd by my old doctor like 10 years ago w cyclothymia but it was never mentioned again ?? huh#AND now i've been talking to one of my besties who is dxd bipolar (i think type 1 ?) and they were just like huh. explains a lot abt me.#but it's hard to disentangle it all from the typical audhd shit and the pmdd that goes on w me vbfh;ghdfg;
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Oh no i became a Touhou fan
Oh no i made a fanart
speedraw here
#touhou#touhou project#cirno#touhou cirno#someone save me cirno's theme has been stuck in my head rent free for the past few weeks#then i started perfect cherry blossim the other day and now that stage 1 theme is in my head#which is also cirnos theme if you think about it#whats with this girl and absolute bangers#also this is the proudest ive been in a drawing since that corpse attack fanart#which was like 3 months ago#zamn#my drawings latley have felt incomplete for some reason yet this one feels perfect
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i cant believe i lived like this
#day 1 of having a period and I have like. Low level intense pain that I know for a fact is what I usually would go about my day with when I#was in pain constantly#but I’ve been doing so good recently and I’m also hormonal (depressed) af so I can’t even get out of bed#insane that I lived like this. and I don’t mean in the distant past. I mean like two weeks ago ahdhdjsks#and for like ten years straight but like dhdhsjsj whatever#booms bad days
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I thought I was done being feral about Tamagotchis but no, it was just a lull
#I was already interested in getting a Gotchi for the past couple months and then KKClue dropped that video (praise be)#And Then I learned that there was a cheap way of purchasing legit Japanese Gotchis?? I may uh. Have. Purchased a few#I never really had That Moment as a kid or teen of being impulsive with money - I'd either save it up and get one big thing#Or I'd buy little things until I eventually ran out - and that habit has kinda continued into adulthood lol#Nowadays the one big thing is usually something like a new computer when my old one dies but it certainly is a big thing lol#And I like getting little things like my puzzle cubes <3 But I'm fairly miserly!#Well. Until.#I've finally hit The Phase of impulsive purchases because of a perfect storm of Things Happening lol#I first wrote down that I wanted to start looking for Tamagotchis in March of this year and I was going about it rather casually to start#Just looking around Big Box stores to check pricing - then various toy and vintage stores to see if they had stock#Most of them didn't but I did get in some delightful networking :D I want to go back and continue!#I finally broke down a week ago and checked Amazon for the ''custom'' shell designs because I like the galaxy one hehe#And then - that accursed video (affectionate)#I may have watched it five times so far lol and then actually bit the bullet and checked out the sponsor and Fucking Hell#I can never get into gambling this does absolutely wack shit to my brain it's only half about the Gotchis themselves anymore#That said I am very excited for my Mesutchi to arrive! I really want to get an Osutchi to go with her and a Gen 1 and and and#I want to collect all the Angelgotchs so bad you don't understand I Must Have them in all the colours it's very important#I'm even considering doing some kind of Project with them once they arrive I don't know it's just all so exciting#I'm feeling very normal#Oh yeah and barely related other than IRL silliness - I finally got a haircut! :D#It'll take a bit for my sona to update but it was today! All sorts of things haha
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#tdov#face#sort of at least#like 1/3rd face#clichenuance pastes it on the wall#come on spring bring on the sun im tired of being winterpale#this being a few weeks ago but it's the most we've got lmao
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Mental Health Check for the Ghesties! How we doin'?
uh
ive been better
ik i like never respond positively to these asks, I’m sorry whoever you are
but thank you for asking <3
also sorry to those who’ve tagged me in tag games the past while too, i do like them but between working for the past 14 days straight and some more not good things happening irl i have not had time to do them and now i probably won’t find them
#tw for death/illness/unalive thoughts for these tags ig#idk if I’ve mentioned it but#my dad has dementia diabetes lung issues heart issues has fallen/has had strokes and has been on dialysis for 2 years now#long story but we had to put him in assisted living a few months ago#bc we couldn’t take care of him at home anymore he’d fall or try and do things he shouldn’t#(ie drive when he says himself he can’t see and has only 1 working eye)#or didn’t control his bowels/bladder#would cuss us out tell us to go to hell etc#so he’s been there for a while where they are trained to take care of people like that#and he wouldn’t be alone while we are at work and stuff#but he hates it and last time I visited him there he said he didn’t want to be in this world anymore and said how he wanted to step in front#of a bus and stuff which did not help the guilt I already feel about him having to be there#but there is no choice if he didn’t have to be there he wouldn’t be we don’t have the money to pay for it#and now he’s been in and out of the hospital several times over the past few weeks#and went again Monday bc they thought he had another stroke (slurring his words/not walking straight and other things)#they found out he didn’t but what they thought was wrong has been treated and he’s not better#and now they’ve discussed him going to a nursing home or even hospice#but they so far have no plans of discharging him so he’s obviously not doing good#and that’s on top of other things that i don’t feel like i should even complain about when that is going on#so yeah I am not doing the best tbh#been trying not to think about it bc every time I do i feel like either throwing up or crying or both#sorry for the tag info dump#delete later#probably#asks
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ok update i just finished making my card and i said / drew (lol) basically everything i wanted to say in it (except for the things i definitely can’t say now that this is happening lol). so i think maybe i might be ok with not saying what i want to say directly to her. but then when i say that im not ok with it at all LOLLLL so i think i need to sleep on it and maybe see what tomorrow brings
#purrs#sobbed hysterically writing the message and that was like 4 hrs ago (yeah.) and im still like dizzy and puffy eyed from it. i am not having#a good time lol. and it’s only going to get more intense this whole week and i don’t know if i can handle it. ive been overstimulated /#sleep deprived for like 2 straight days bc yesterday i was doing everything in my power to avoid thinking abt it and today i was doing#everything in mt power TO think abt it including being subjected to things that were hard and ofc the walk being a flop kinda lol. but omg.#mutuals i know it’s so deeply cringe but i have been vagueposting abt my work life since before i even got the fucking job. i know i look#mentally ill about it and i definitely am but my colleagues past and present are my best friends and my number 1 reason to be alive#actually. so this is just. idk. this feels very……. especially when this is someone who was never supposed to leave this suddenly. who i thou#thought i had years and years left with. and it’s just over like that and we have to say goodbye and i know it’s not even that big of a move#but it’s actually killing me. like physically. that this is happening rn. i don’t know what the fuck im going to do. and we aren’t even f#gonna be able to grieve openly at all but we are grieving and she doesn’t even.. like idk. maybe it just hasn’t occurred to her that we are.#but we literally are and its soooooooo bad. it’s so bad. i feel like im having a bad dream every day. i already felt like nothing was real#anymore and this helped abt -50000% with that sensation. like wtf is going on rn. she’s LEAVING. ON FRIDAY. FOREVER. FUCK!#but uh yeah the point is i do want to talk to her and if it was anyone else i would. but when it comes to emotional stuff and being honest#w each other abt how one makes the other feel… we are incompatible im afraid. she doesn’t want to talk abt it and all i want to do is talk b#but im shy and weak so i cave and just do everything in my power to give her what she needs and then i feel shattered for the rest of the#day / week / whatever. it fucking sucks and im not like that w anyone else in my little irl world (except my p*rents ofc LMAO) but it’s like#onmgggggg. can we please just talk abt how it is so painful you are doing this and comfort each other in it somehow. LOL! like i am in so mu#much pain i can’t even speak and she didn’t even look at me when i flicked my eyes over to her during the silences. CRINGE! girl she doesn’t#care about you 😭😭😭😭 except she does. idk. it’s just sooooo. idk. my brain is not right it hasn’t been since i got the news. i think im dying#delete later#OMG ALSO it is now the wee hours of july 26 which means that 3 yrs ago right abt now i did something so very stupid that made me have my#first very bad breakdown ever and it led to me realizing i needed counseling again. so maybe in the spirit of this anniversary i will do#this stupid thing (of asking to talk and then saying what i want to say even though i wrote it out) and then have a very bad breakdown and t#then go to counseling 🥳✌️
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even locally (specifically locally) there has been a lot of terrifying awful news. so. life is scary recently
#canto vii#elaboration in the following tags so be aware#……………………………………………………….#a semi truck didnt stop when traffic was stopped so it ran into a bunch of stationary cars#that was like 5 days ago#then this week there was a shooting right where my mom works#and then today a dead body was found bear railroad tracks that i used to walk a lot in highschool#*near#and like at work too its hard to see how mistreated prisoners are#theres a guy who comes in for treatment but his prison is neglecting his health a lot and it got a lot worse#i talked to him a lot today 1 on 1#also 2 bomb threats on 2 separate occasions withinv the past 3 days#at the same walmart
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somehow ended up getting two (!!) summons out of boxes today! Y e e h a w !
#pk;m billy💢#As SOON as these eggs hatch. I am summoning Jirachi and Diancie#I have two children up front begging me to summon them asap like Ple a s e leave me alone /lighthearted#speaking of children. Guess we're gonna need more sysmate specific fields huh. hell on earth. they're getting expensive!!#pokefarm tag#We found a jirachi in the adoption center a couple days ago too and Amour (child 1) is hellbent on hoarding them all#I have never met this kid before apparently they don't Exist often at all but Jirachi's a front trigger for them so ??? ok!#we've been wanting to get extra poké btw. for the past like week. we r so close to getting a new adoption pass. like 3 poké off .#but n o p e! legendaries. o k!
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.
#personal#I am so overwhelmed with work#and then trying to process like 3 pieces of bad news at the same time#all received within hours of each other lmao#it’s…….been A Week#I haven’t been able to stop thinking about work for like a month#maybe two#losing sleep bc I close my eyes and my brain is still thinking about which student needs what#then spending my waking hours doing work#and whenever I catch a break it’s already past midnight#and thinking about Bad News past midnight is always a terrible idea#it’s so hard trying to be normal about everything when I’m stressed out of my mind#I googled some New Symptoms that came up and te results said ‘stress’ lmao#that’s apt#my neighbours’ karaoke party just ended half an hour ago#and I’m still wide awake#it’s 1:45am and I have to get up at 7:30 for work tomorrow#so this is fun#watch this spiral beat my month-long spiral record from when I had Covid lol#I’m so fucking exhausted#and I don’t have anyone I can talk to who will Get It#I have friends who can provide sympathy but I just want someone who Knows what I mean#and the one person who probably would barely even talks to me anymore#I hate it#I hate it so much#I have to sleep#I’m gonna wake up in 6ish hours and I’m gonna make a class of 60 kids do random shit and it’ll be fine#I know this will blow over#it just fucking sucks that I’m in the middle of it rn
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