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wilshipley · 6 years

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The Bachelor, Season 22, Episode 4

Exterior: Hummingbird. D’AWWWW I love humbirbs.

Bekah is seen jumping into a pool. Meanwhile (supposedly meanwhile) the women inside are talking about how young Bekah is. 14 years apart! I have no leg to stand on here so let’s all just pretend it’s totally normal to date people of any age, ok? *wipes brow*

One of the women says “everyone is realizing how real it is,” so update your bingo cards. “I feel like the stakes are higher,” someone says and I’ve already got B and G and it’s been two minutes.

Chris slobs in. “It’s hard to believe there’s only 15 of you left.” First off, “there are only 15 of you,” not “is,” and second, it’s not that hard to believe one guy is dating ONLY 15 women. What’s hard to believe is 15 women actually like this schmuck. Chris tells the women they’re all going to Tahoe, so we finally start the travel-porn part of this show (as opposed to the porn-porn part, which is the entire rest of it).

Ari is already in Tahoe, staring meaningfully over vistas. He spouts some lines for the Tahoe tourism board. “I love things like hiking, being outside, and to share that with the girls is going to be so much fun,” he says, demonstrating a bad parallel.

The women are checking out the lodge, it’s rustic AF. It looks like Gaston did all of their DEC-or-ating. Krystal exclaims “We’re in Tahoe!” and she certainly puts da ho in Tahoe.

Date card! “Sienne, let’s let our love sore!” Assumedly he’s going to give her herpes.

Ok, they probably spelled it “soar,” but I need this.

Ari addresses the women and tells them in the most boring way they are in Tahoe and will be doing dates in Tahoe. Surprise!

One of the women voiceovers that she was astounded that early on one of the many Laurens “went on a date and didn’t come back, and none of us saw that coming!” Yah, on a dating show it’s a huge shock any time someone gets eliminated even though that literally happens several times every…single…episode.

Kwazy Krystal with her shark-face confessionals that Sienne will probably be going home and that makes her happy because then she can be with Ari and Ari will take care of her and never leave her not like everyone else always has Ari is different if anyone gets between her and Ari she will kill them it’s only right she has a gun back in her room. Ok some percentage of that I made up but, you know, the spirit of it is true.

—

The women are spying on Ari’s parasailing date with Sienne. Chelsea (semi-crazy one) confessionals, “It might start getting to me if if these days go by longer without time with Ari.” That English not is.

“Parasailing is about letting go and where the wind takes you,” says Sienne, and I just wanted to write that down because I feel obligated every time the producers feed them a COMPLETELY OBVIOUS simile. She doesn’t even leave it at that, she explains to the camera that it’s similar to dating. See: a simile. “I really like Ari. I can’t use the L word yet but I really like him.” Lunkhead? Lickspittle? Loser?

I’d like to point out my hair isn’t as gray as Ari’s and I’m way older. Also I’m not a total idiot, if we’re keeping score. I’m just typing random crap here because Ari is talking to Sienne on a beach and he’s so boring I just can’t stand it. Sienne also seems way too sane and low-maintenance for Ari.

Kissing starts. It seems less slurpy than with the crazier gals and/or Bekah. Not a good sign.

MEANWHILE, Maquel is calling her mom back at the lodge. She gets the news her grandfather died and we watch her cry on camera. WTF, producers. This is your idea of entertainment? Watching people find out their relatives are dead? What the actual hell is wrong with you?

—

INTERIOR, LODGE: Date card!

Oh my gosh it’s our old friend End Table here to deliver the date card! What a surprise! I haven’t seen you in forever, End Table!

Chelsea Krystal Me Marikh Jacqueline Kendall Lauren Brittney Caroline other women I probably missed. So Bekah gets the one-on-one, and she celebrates.

Krystal confessionals some catty stuff about Bekah being young because yah dudes HATE that ugh icky.

Ari takes Sienne to a Hard Rock Cafe for dinner because he’s as classy as a Trans-am up on blocks. Also as smart as one.

Sienne asks him why he hasn’t fallen in love in five years. Much to her credit she doesn’t say, “Gosh you seem like a pretty broken pretend-man.” She’s talking openly about how growing up dark-skinned made her cynical about finding love because no women in love stories look like her, which is actually pretty interesting. It’s strange to get woke from The Bachelor but you know take it where you can get it, I say.

Ari pulls out the date rose and gives it to Sienne 🌹.

Ari tells her he has one more thing for her and I’m sure hoping it’s a non-famous crappy singer.

SCORE! It’s “Lanco!” Yes, seriously. I dunno if that’s a dude’s name or the band. Lanco is singing that kind of country music where half of the performance is the crazy twangy accent he’s putting on. Like, I think he’s singing, “Killed me up some possums, cooked ‘em up next to the still, took my truck to the levy and put my blue jeans on while swinging on the front porch..”

—

Krystal confessionals AGAIN more catty stuff about the other women on today’s group date. Man the camera loves Krystal...........’s horribleness.

Kendall is talking about herself in third person and why a date in the woods is her thing, because she’s quirky AF. They enter a clearing with a grey-haired ex-green-beret survivalist and his wife. “Together we’ve been married 13 years,” he says, so I guess they’ve been married 6½ years apiece? “The stuff you learn here is the stuff you’ll need to survive in a relationship,” he says, skipping the simile entirely this time. I’m not so certain that’s true, unless drinking pee is vital in any relationship? (Pretty sure that’s just Trump.)

The green beret says the first thing they’re going to recycle their urine. He gives everyone a thermos to pee in. Ari drinks his first, but quickly spits it out. One of the women clearly thinks “all well what the heck” and starts to drink hers and Ari is all “WAIT WAIT! It was just apple juice!”

Ok, what the actual fuck, here. First off, making a bunch of women pee into thermoses is pretty disgusting to start with. I mean, for a guy, we can just stick our doodle in there, but for the women they had to, like, do it blind. I’m imagining it wasn’t a totally sanitary thing. Also it’s just gross to ask people to pee on a date. This is something that a 10-year-old would think is...OOOOH wait it’s Ari now I get it.

Now the wife digs up some worms and Ari and a few of the women eat them and more complain they don’t want to. The couple finds other disgusting things to eat and Kendall is totally down. She seems fun. Ari and Kendall start slurpy kissing and I wonder if they can taste each other’s maggots.

Now the survivalist gives the women packs and maps and tells them to find their way through the woods in teams. Ari’s on one team and the other teams are lost. I guess they needed a MAN. Oh surprise there’s a giant hot tub at the end and the girls strip into bikinis.

They’re giving Krystal SO MUCH CAMERA TIME. (This will make the murder trial easier, sure.) More Krystal. Seriously, it goes on and on. She’s making fun of the women for seeking Ari’s attention, with absolutely no sense of irony.

—

NIGHT, LODGE: The date continues.

More Krystal confessionals AGAIN about how she’s so exhausted watching the women try to get Ari’s attention. I cannot stand any more Krystal. Please, no. I wish I could skip but, again, Hulu’s controls are messed up so a one-pixel click is a minute.

Ari first “alone time” of the evening is with someone I swear I’ve never seen before. I missed her name but let’s call her Lauren because it’s a safe bet. She actually says, “I really like that,” about something he says which leads me into this SNL sketch which is great but honestly kinda doesn’t have any jokes because all this stuff is in the actual show:

SNL “Car Man”

Ari actually said “I like that, I like that” in response to Lauren after I pasted that video which is hilarious. Also her name really was Lauren I seriously was guessing above.

Now Ari’s with Kendall the taxidermist / bug eater. Kendall says (of herself) “and your breath smell like bugs now,” so at least she’s self-aware. They talk about Kendall’s stuffed animals. Then she smooches a lot and she’s a damn fine smoocher. I think I now prefer her to Bekah.

JESUS CHRIST KRYSTAL confessional again. She can’t even speak. She just says the same five words. Juvenile state identity blah blah.

Now Chelsea is confessionalling that she thinks Krystal is being condescending and apparently all you have to do to get camera time is be totes crazy. We see other women talking about Ari and the consensus seems to be that Krystal is just being “competitive,” and it’s not fair because the rest of the women are there for Ari. This isn't quite saying “the right reasons” but it’s close enough to still mark your bingo card.

Krystal finally gets her time with Ari. Ugh I can’t stand the stupid way? She talks? Because like? It’s all upspeak? And baby talk?

Krystal tells Ari she feels there’s a target on her back because the other girls are so jealous of her. “I have...a mix? of emotionnnns?” Ari comforts her by telling her “You’re beautiful and we had an amazing first day and they can obviously see we have a connection [and that’s making the other women insecure].” Way to stoke those flames, Ari! You’ll get to testify at the trial for sure. Krystal starts crying ¡SURPRISE!

Krystal confessionals she’s “Above this...and beyond this.” She asks Caroline and Tia to talk with her in another room. Krystal Krystal Krystal all we see is Krystal it’s the all-Krystal show. Holy god this is getting old.

—

Krystal now tells the other two how much her widdle feewings were hurt by them mocking her smooching up to Ari in the hot tub, which, I mean, uh...how do you unpack that? They both tell her she can pound sand.

Tia gets her time with Ari and she also tells him she’s upset but she does a better job of not being super whiney and fake. Confessional: “He’s just a good dude. And that’s why I’m falling for him.” No, no he isn’t, and man you shouldn’t. He’s a bland dude and you’re projecting what you want onto his blank canvas.

Ari gives the date rose 🌹 to Tia for being “open and vulnerable.” Guess who the camera cuts to! No, go on, gu———KRYSTAL IT WAS KRYSTAL.

—

EXTERIOR, NATURE and shit: I don’t see the point of being someplace beautiful and cold because like if I’m in nature I wanna be in nature not in 27 layers of wool.

More boring confessionals. Guess who says, “I come across as flawless” and so she gets a target on her back? No, really, gue———YES KRYSTAL AGAIN.

MEANWHILE, the one-on-one date starts with Ari and Bekah. Ari confessionals that Bekah “really challenges me, and...I love that.” To be fair he’s also challenged by Highlights for Kids. Also he needs to stop saying “I love that.” Ari and Bekah exchange inanities.

MEANWHILE, back at the ranch, two women are talking about how young Bekah is, because the producers have to set up some conflict for this episode, so it might as well be Bekah’s age.

While I typed that they got in a hot tub and starting smooching. Ari tells the story of breaking his collarbone racing a truck. Here’s an idea: don’t race trucks, dummy. They’re slow and have a high center of gravity and are for hauling shit.

COMING UP: Bekah asks him if he knows how old she is, a clip we’ve seen like 80 times.

—

INTERIOR, LODGE: Women are talking about Bekah’s age again. Man they’re trying to milk this.

EXTERIOR, COLD-ASS COUNTRYSIDE: Ari walks Bekah to another lodge for dinner. Super-exciting. Apparently the Tahoe is 100% lodges and Hard Rock Cafes. Now they’re eating dinner. I wish they’d say anything interesting. “I wanna know everything about you,” Ari says, which is dangerously close to SNL’s “Tell me something about you.”

Ari: “I think the biggest thing I always think about, is, are you ready, would you be ready, if the time was right, and it was the right person?” He doesn’t say ready for what. Let’s just assume it’s butt stuff.

Ari tells her there were times in his life he wasn’t ready (for butt stuff). She asks “How did you know, in hindsight?” Hee hee I’m 12. But still more mature than Ari.

Ari tells her that he’s 36 and “things are slowing down for me.” Jesus man 36 isn’t old. Again, I’m older and I just took up saxophone and started bouldering.

Finally Bekah asks him the “do you know how old I am” question that we’ve been seeing. She tells him she’s 22. Ari covers his face. “Oh my grrrwaad,” he mumbles through his hand. Now they’re playing tension music. Oh as if.

—

Back to AGE-GATE 2018. Blah blah she’s young. Confessionals from both parties designed to build tension.

Bekah grabs his neck and tells him to “stop looking for assurance that you’re not going to get because you’re not going to get that in love.” Wow, she’s mature for her age. Which, I mean, isn’t so hard when you’re 22, but still.

Ari remembers being a dumbass at 22, and so he’s saying she must still be a dumbass. (To be fair he’s a dumbass at 36.) She asks him if she’s Ari. Good point! He explains she is not. Astute observation!

Ari: “Here’s the thing, it’s...you scare me.” The producers are playing the “she’s dumped” music but I still don’t believe it. He’s not THAT dumb.

She finally asks, “How about you, what are you feeling,” and he actually responds, “Let me do this with the rose in my hand,” because he’s the producers’ best friend in the world and a total lickspittle. Seriously, nothing says, “I’m serious about finding a real relationship” like insisting the you have to build tension for your invisible audience.

“I’m worried about us, you know” — I’m calling it right now he’s gonna give her the rose — blah blah blah I feel for you (he’s Chakah Khan now) “BUT, I really really feel connected to you, and you are incredible and surprising and so much of what I’m looking for [blah blah] so Bekah will you accept this rose?” 🌹

Wow, Ari really put her through the damn ringer there. What a gentleman he is, jerking her around like that for the camera. Bekah says, “Why don’t you dump me now and pick somebody else who you KNOW will...” oh man she’s got spirit.

—

EXTERIOR, HARD ROCK CAFE: Why do we keep coming back here? Is this really the center of culture in Bumfuck, Whereverthefuckweare?

Rose ceremony time: The women trot up to, like, a castle? A castle-lodge.

Confessionals from the women, where they’re wondering who will go home. Who? Who indeed!

Krystal says, “I feel like each rose ceremony has brought a little more pressure,” so mark your bingo cards one last time.

More Krystal. Krystal talks more. Krystal some more.

Chris walks in. He’s going to cancel the party, I’m guessing. “There won’t be a cocktail party tonight,” told you so. “Ari has made up his mind,” Jesus this show is so man-centric.

The women assemble to hear the boring child-man’s word, deciding their fate. Bet he cuts Marikh.

Ari says, “Let’s begin,” but then Krystal asks if she could have a quick moment with him, because Krystal Krystal, Krystal Krystal Krystal. It’s like we’re in Being Krystal McKrystalvich. The women are not super-happy about it. We see Krystal whispering to Ari. Krystal says, “I’m not here to play games,” so you get a bonus BINGO mark!

Lauren (which one?) 🌹 Kendall (taxidermy) 🌹 Ashley (very little makeup) 🌹 Becca K (uh) 🌹 Chelsea (semi-cray) 🌹 Jenna (who?) 🌹 Jacquline (JAY-kwellin) 🌹 Marikh! Yay, she’s so pretty. 🌹

Chris: “Ladies, Ari, final rose tonight.”

Krystal and some other gals are left.

Krystal 🌹

We lost Brittney T., the tech recruiter. We haven’t seen much of her. Caroline the realtor is also heartbroken.

The remaining women toast each other. Krystal gets the final confessional. Ugh.

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