HYACINTH

A butch/femme mini-comic included in the second volume of @belovedzine (pre-orders now open)

Is this a journal now? I guess I just want to write some thoughts down in a place ill remember... I want to cry. I learned the term “stone femme” today. I looked it up, there also the term “paper” vs “stone”. 

I’m not sure how to navigate the labels I’ve found that somehow fit. I’m afraid to write them. I’m afraid to write them down and that a later me, a me from the future will read it and laugh. That I’ll laugh at what is my current self. I’m glad that I honored my past selves for my birthday, and I hope to never insult things that I have once held dear. I am writing this down now, with the hope that I will never ridicule myself for trying to figure all of this out. Future me, if you are reading this, please honor me.  Some labels I have found helpful, in order of apparition in my life: Lesbian: I guess lesbian porn is the first thing I ever watched. Not sure why, it just seemed like a more natural, less violent thing to watch. Lesbian is a woman who loves women. Easy to understand as a kid, even though I never identified as such. Sex: Ohhhh, so the penis goes INSIDE the vagina..... DAMN Rape: This is dangerous and I must protect myself from it Bisexual or bi-curious: I guess this makes sense. Of course, I like boys, who doesn’t like boys? I must like boys, never questioned it that is for sure. In any case, girls are nice too. I like girls (maybe?) but I'm not supposed to. I guess sometimes I think this word, but I don’t remember very well. I’m not quite ready to say bi-sexual vs bi-curious because I don’t feel I have the CV for it.  Girl friends: I have a friend who is pretty and soft. We sleep over often and I want to spend every waking minute with her. Virginity:  You loose it to someone you love. Maybe it will hurts. Blow job: I give my first in the woodshop in the basement of my first (and only) boyfriend’s parents country house. I don’t really want to, to be honest it grosses me out, but this is what girlfriends do so I do it.  Penis: My boyfriend jokes that I am afraid of them. He says that because I think they are gross and I hate touching them.  Blue Balls: If you touch a man and then stop, or if you arouse a man and then stop, you are hurting him, you have caused him pain, sometimes unbearable pain. Sometimes, by simply existing in space, I cause unbearable pain to my boyfriends, thus I must remediate to the situation.  Dissociation: When you feel like you are not in your body anymore. Sometimes I dissociate during sex with my boyfriend.

Best friends: I’m in love with my best friend and my nipples hurt because we have started sleeping together and she won’t leave my tits alone. I tell her and we laugh, she says she will go easy.

Queer: Gay, but in a way, I don’t really have to describe. It’s catch-all for gender and sexuality, I don’t have to explain myself, nothing to prove. I like this word.

Consent: Not sure why I did not know about this before. I discover for the first time what it feels like.

Boyfriend: I want a boyfriend. I want to feel safe. Someone give me a boyfriend. Daddy: Holy fuck, this is even better than a boyfriend. Gender:  This is not the same as sex. 

Non-binary: When I learn this word I don’t understand it. It’s frustrating and it seems to fit nowhere in my experience as a POC. I feel left out of something that could have had meaning for me. Cis people: I don’t think about my gender, I’m cis.  Asexual: What????????????? This is a thing???? Relief. I thought I was broken because I was afraid to touch. I thought I had a problem because I don’t really know if I really ever feel “want”. When I try to touch, anxiety overpowers me. Demisexual:  Sometimes I do want, I think. I’m not sure, I experience it for the first time with Devon. I think. Trans: Devon is trans and I love him very dearly. He is my sweet girl, we are “in lesbians” with each other.

Pansexual / Panromantic: Attraction across gender, I like this much more than bisexual. I am specifically not bisexual. Polyamourous: nothing to do with queers, but somehow lotsa queers are into this. Am I into it? Im queer.... it seems to accomodate queer lifestyle... i dont know... Femme daddy: Not sure I remember the definition of this one, but it blows my mind. A mix of femme and masc that I’ve never heard of before Stone butch: Myloe does not want to be touched (to some degree). I knew nothing about “stone”. This is also a revelation! Some people have very specific desires and boundaries and thats ok. (It never occurs to me that the opposite of stone butches exist, I just notice that its incredibly convenient for me to be with a stone butch). Binder: mysterious contraption that I am afraid to touch Trauma: When something hurts a lot and you can’t get over it. Sometimes it changes you as a person. Not sure how much of it is part of me now. Genderfucking/ gender play: At first for Devon, and then for me. Playing around with my gender opens a new world of possibilities for me. When I switch gender I feel things differently, my anxieties change. I am not bound by the same fears anymore. I gain a different type of power. Penis: An organ that is part of the body of the woman I love, thus: organ that I love touching.  “Daddy” / Desire:  This word takes a new meaning when it is said about me. My body feels different. I finally feel “want” in a way that I have never felt before. I crave. I desire. I want to touch and bite. My skin is on fire and my whole body melts. Vagina: Thing that scares the fuck out of me. Sexual assault: He has kind eyes, he is shy and very cute. I want to hang out all of us, but once I am in his hotel room, I feel like I’ve been tricked? Where are the others? We hang out a bit. And then I say no. Maybe I did not say it strongly enough.  Gay: I am gay. I hate men. They make me sick.  Transmasculine: Different shades of AFAB people....... They are all beautiful and I am attracted to many  Gender-fluid: I play daddy. I dress up as daddy. At first for fun, to see what happens. And then I like the power. I like the ease and freedom. I like how it feels. I like to move this way and navigate space, social and physical, with this shape. I switch from one to the other depending on what I want out of the situation, I guess sometimes I just want that extra persuasion. Nonbinary: I still hate this word. But I think it out of convenience sometimes. I feel like a fraud, but since I dont claim this as a status, I am comfortable within my gender. I dont want to be policed. I just want to be a hot daddy. Trans man, hormones, top surgery: Some men are trans. I’m hooking up with Jordan and they are HOT holy fuck. They stone also, but they didn’t say it like that. Penis: Jordan has like six penises on their night table. What?? Penises? Holy fuck. What if I had a penis I could strap on. What?? I never thought about this. I’m thinking about going penis shopping!  THE REVELATION:

STONE FEMME, OR “PAPER”: THE OPPOSITE OF STONE. DOES NOT LIKE TO TOUCH. THIS IS A VALID QUEER IDENTY??? what??? this blows my mind. I tell eliane about stone butch, they check it out on wikipedia and tell me about stone femme. I say what??? I don't know this word??? it blows my mind. I don’t have to touch if I don't want to? Most, if not all, of my sexual life, is me having to touch and not wanting to. What do you mean I don't have to touch? What do you mean? What do you mean? Do you mean I am not broken? Do you mean I am not hopeless? Does paper mean that I can be loved? Does paper mean I deserve to be wanted? Does paper mean I can “want” in my own time? Does paper mean I do not have to be alone, in the dark, to heal? Does paper mean I deserve warmth? Does paper mean I can be touched, without fear, without pain, without guilt? Does paper mean that I will not tense up, will not dissociate, will not cry when I am asked to touch? Does paper mean I can cordially say “no” and set my rules? Stand my ground? Honor my body? My self? I am afraid of saying this word to others. I feel like I must justify it with words like “trauma”, “rape”. and “assault”. Truth is I’m not sure what paper means to me. I don’t want to define it to anyone but myself. I like this word, it’s pretty, I want to protect it, it is very dear to me. It fills me with joy and tears.