aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgauhghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhuhghgg

“ill see you in a few days ....*strawberry fields plays in the background* and remember, nothing is real so dont let anything get you down.”

we did not speak openly about his trip because i think we are both still traumatized from the last one. instead of rehashing the anxieties, i think we silently agreed to just prepare for it and act the best way possible to make this as easy as possible. so we did not focus on his leaving. he didnt make it seem like he wasnt comng back. he didnt make me feel any way about our relationship and tht we _have_ a relationship. he didnt make me feel any way about the fact im poor and hes been supporting me this month so i obviously will need some assistance when hes gone and he helped me in whatever i asked for. if i asked for more, i think he wouldve given it to me but i still need to like “feel” my “independence”. i dont think i should be wholly supported because thats too dangerous. ive been there and as “easy” as it is - this is where you end up. and i want to know this so deep in my soul that i never do it again. so even though it “sucks”, it’s right to have a little suffering. it’s a very like.. monk-esque experience, maybe i’m “choosing” to suffer a little more than i would need to because it’s true - what if i didnt have benefits, wht if i had no friends? what if the world just goes to complete shit world war 3? what then? 

so kudos to me for surviving and like.. supporting my depression and my self. i do suck but i am alive. i literally would not believe like.. 5 yrs ago that i would be alive in this scenario but i am. 

the only reference to the struggle of him leaving was this comment - nothing is real, so dont let it get you down. and like.. maybe for the next few days it’s okay to just breathe and let it go - whatever it is, to get through. he’s coming back, things will return to normal and we’ll power through the coming months. i deal with bad drug trips the same way - nothing is real so dont take it seriously. maybe thats something to learn from myself. i already have that skill and thats literal chemicals in my body. i dont sit an cry to other people, freak out - i just like tantrically tell myself that it’s just the drugs. it’s not real. i hope i’mokay this weekend. i really do. but if im not i hope i get the chance to try this method - nothing is real in anxiety. and it’s okay because eventually at some point it will pass. it does not last forever. its not like default setting of the brain. 

i almost cried but then i did not cry. and thats pretty good for me. like even though it sounds like im 7, emotionally i am very 7. and i have to raise my inner emotional child into the physical adult that i am so today i am not going to judge the fact that my inner self is 7 but instead pat it on the back for not cryng and putting on the big girl pants. 

tonight im going out to sell jewelry at a show which is very proactive in many ways and i’m proud of myself for this as well. and for the past two days where i “prepared” by building new / different connections and focusing on different projects. tomorrow i am going to take a day trip downtown - possibly by bike but if i can earn money tonight, i might bus some of it but i’m going to see another friend and hang out; just hang out. not business, not art, just nice relaxing soul soothing hanging out. on sunday i want to go for a beginning of fall bike ride - i realized it was becoming fall out of nowhere. 

that leaves just monday and tuesday, which is not bad. i have anxiety about running out of weed. i really really dont like to be sober. i even risked grabbing more weed when i probably shouldnt have. im hoping something random and spontaneous comes up on monday or tuesday to fill the day but maybe by sunday ill be mentally open to working on my personal projects. 

i have lingering on going anxiety about being accepted for disabilty. what if the doctor is wrong? people get denied all the time. the accepted knowledge is having to apply many times - what if thats me? i keep trying not to “hope” for the changes itll bring. like i want to look ahead and dream of a future like the doctor sells me but if i dont get it then what happens? everyhthing remains the same and i have to just pick up my shit and keep going, like every other failure. i dont know if i can do it. i still let the thoughts creep in - i can move. i can replace my dingy old dishes and cookware. i can buy a new couch, have a kitchen table.buy groceries - good groceries, with good storage for left overs and spices. i can invite people to my place. my cats can feel comfortable and i wont have to worry about them. i wont live like im in a dorm room. i can travel. i can make and print things with my art. and thats just the immediate effect. imagine this stability everyday. ive almost never had that in 12 -13 years. and by myself! freedom! choice! 

it’s like dory. but instead of swimming it’ smoking. just keep smoking. just keep smoking. get to the next day. one of these days will be _the_ day. i just really hope hes right. i really hope this isnt all set up to get shit on again. i want better medication. i want more access and health coverage. maybe i’m a whiny first world bitch - if i was in the third world ‘d be dead already. maybe i dont deserve it. but i live here. and this is my option for survival because suicide in the first world is seen as trivial. “couldve been worse”

i cleaned this morning. atleast a little bit - got rid of the very old dishes and cleaned the litter and garbages. tidied my own room. theres still things that need to be done, but i guess i’m “saving it” for later so i can continue to feel like i have things i could do. trthfully i want to go back to sleep - smoke weed, watch catfish (it’s become our thing and i love it, watching on my own brings a comfort) then shower and prepare for the show in he afternoon. i want to straighten my hair - he spent forty minutes brushng it because i let it get really bad to the point i couldnt just condition it out and it was overwhelming and depressing but its back to normal and i have to wonder if he mentioned that my hair was nice a few times to try and help promote the idea of caring for it because it could easilly go to shit in 5 days. if i straighten it, i’ll get a good 3 - 4 days out of it even if i dont shower. it still feels like a huge task and i feel like the length is gradually becoming a burden but i want it so bad even if it looks like shit sometimes due to my own neglect.