#and so why isn't mike going and comforting el? why is he right here beside will reassuring him instead? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

clericbyers · 5 years

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el's the first person mike comes out to. mostly because she's the only person that doesn't think it's wrong or disgusting. el's confused, didn't mike love her? she asks him. mike doesn't want to break her heart. he didn't even think of her questioning his feelings for her. he stumbles on his words. "of course! well... kin- a litt- okay..." he takes a deep breath. "no..." el isn't in the littlest hurt by it. "oh. do you like someone?" so mike starts to talk about will, his cheeks slowly reddening

When Mike plopped back first onto El’s bed with a heavy sigh, she knew he wasn’t here to simply relax in her company. She knew him well by now, especially once they broke up for good, and that sigh was a stressful, beat up sigh. There was something Mike wanted to say and he was either going to say it himself or wait for El to mention something and give him the opening to speak up. El sat beside him and patted his thigh, making him squirm before he sat up on his elbows. That was the opening he apparently needed to speak up.

“We’re friends, right?” Mike started hesitantly.

El didn’t understand why he’d ask but she answered anyway. “Yes, Mike, we are.”

“Oh, good.” He flopped back down, messy hair a handsome halo around his head. El missed him in a weird way, missed having the permission a girlfriend had to touch a boy’s hair and face and be as close as they used to be. She missed the physical connection more than anything else.

Actually, that was really the only thing she missed between them.

“Why are you asking?”

Mike squirmed again. “No reason.” El patted his leg again and he groaned as he sat up fully. “Okay, well, yes reason but it’s kind of...it’s personal. Really personal.”

“You know you can tell me anything, Mike.” The girl smiled softly and rubbed her thumb against his thigh in a gesture of nothing but comfort. Mike watched her hand for a moment with a smile.

“I know. I know I can and that’s why I’m here.” Mike wrung his hands together tightly. “I, uh, I have a secret and you can’t tell anyone, okay? Complete confidentiality here.”

“I understand.”

“Nice,” Mike adjusted himself on the bed and cleared his throat. “I’m bad at this feelings talk and I know that but maybe if I’m blunt I can get it out?” He laughed and rubbed at the back of his neck. “I mean, it’s nothing to be ashamed of--well, not with you at least, I don’t think you could hate me for this which is why I feel safe enough to tell you.”

El frowned. “Safe enough? Are you in danger?”

Mike shook his head with a hoarse laugh. “No! Not like that at least. It’s just...,” he turned away and bit his bottom lip before bowing his head. “I like boys.”

She cocked her head to the side with a grin. “I like boys too, Mike.”

“No, wait, what?” Mike looked up with furrowed brows. “There’s a difference between girls liking boys and boys liking boys.”

“What is it then? We both like boys. I don’t see a difference.”

Mike blinked a few times. “Wow. I...you’re right.” He opened his mouth, shut it closed, and then pulled a face. “Huh. Wow.”

“Is there a problem?”

“No! There isn’t. You’re right, there’s no difference, ignore me, I’m just being stupid.” The boy laughed to cover his tracks but quickly deflated again. “It’s just that...well, there’s more to me liking boys.”

“More?”

“Uh,” Mike fidgeted again. “You see, you like boys and only boys and that’s normal for a girl. I like boys and only boys and that’s...that’s fine, it’s fine, okay, but it’s just...a lot of people don’t see that as normal.”

It took El a moment for his words to sink in. She wasn’t really sure if she only liked boys herself anyway but she couldn’t quite understand why a boy liking only boys was deemed not normal even though a girl liking boys was normal. “So, you’re a boy who only like boys?”

“Yeah.” Mike sounded relieved to get that off his shoulders and El couldn’t hate him for it. “Yeah, I only like boys. I’m gay, El.”

“Gay,” she whispered back, testing the word on her tongue. Her hand was still on Mike’s thigh and that brought her back to her thoughts about the permissible contact she was previously allowed as his girlfriend. “But Mike, I’m not a boy.”

Mike’s voice was quiet, a barely there whisper that had El’s ears straining to pick up. “I know.”

“Did you,” her voice cracked a little and something in her chest felt a little funny. “Did you ever love me then?”

“Of course!” A moment of silence. “Well,” Mike looked away, “Kinda--,” He bit his lip again. “A litt--,” He sighed heavily and regathered his voice. “Okay...” A final deep breath. “No.”

The funny feeling started to crumble to pieces as something akin to acceptance filtered through her veins. She wasn’t really upset, mostly relieved to hear the truth than anything else. After all, the only thing she missed between them was their physical closeness; she knew the emotional bond they had didn’t extend any further than what they shared right there in that moment where Mike trusted her enough to tell her the truth about himself and how he felt toward her. This form of closeness with Mike was all she wanted in the end anyway.

El squeezed Mike’s leg and then positioned herself on her bed so she was sitting on her legs. “So,” she started excitedly, “do you like a boy?”

Mike’s face turned pink. “I--what makes you think that?”

“To know you like only boys means you have to like a boy at some point, right?” She grinned wider and bounced a little in her seat. “Can you tell me who?”

The boy blushed even more and scowled. “He’s someone you know really well. Kinda short, brown hair, green eyes, beauty marks on his neck, and he rooms just a few feet away from you.”

“You like Will?”

“Shh!” Mike sent her a glare. “Don’t say it so loud! I don’t want anyone to hear.”

El shrugged. “But I wanna hear it. You can tell me; I promise not to share.”

It took Mike a few seconds of deliberation but once he accepted that he had permission to open up about his crush, the floodgates opened and he could do nothing but gush on and on about Will. El enjoyed it a lot; she liked seeing the way Mike’s cheeks darkened as he went on a tangent about Will’s laughter or the way Mike’s lips couldn’t help but smile when he was lost in his words about Will’s kind heart. She liked seeing Mike happy and open, free to talk about his feelings with her in a way they never could before. In her mind, she amended his previous statement about not loving her because this here, this conversation and support and trust, was love. It wasn’t the love necessary for them to be boyfriend and girlfriend and it never could be, not since Mike liked only boys, so he wasn’t technically wrong with the statement, but he did love her and she loved him, too. It was the love necessary for them to be the close friends they were and the close friends El needed.

There was nothing to miss between them when El had Mike’s trust in a way she never could before. This way meant Mike could lay on her bed at her side and look at her with shining eyes full of love for a boy he could openly love before her and that confidence and unadulterated trust was far more desirable than kisses.

(In the future though, Mike lets El play with his hair while they laze about on the couch together and he lets her kiss his cheeks goodbye. He gives her warm hugs hello and squeezes her hand when they watch scary movies with the Party. There’s an honest intimacy between them not the empty one she missed. And when El catches Mike and Will whispering in the kitchen as they make popcorn, fingers brushing before Mike ducks his head to give Will a kiss that is very obviously not their first, she knows they are all receiving honest intimacy now that the truth has be accepted and shared.)

#this is so dialogue heavy omg #going clown emoji #yams writes #anon #yams answers

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