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angelthebedsheet · 4 years

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my fav boys with slick black s/o pt 1?

a/n: im losing inspiration for my current requests and i’m not feeling good mentally or physically. my mood has been down the whole week and it’s messing with my school work so that’s also putting me in a sad mood. but im also in the mood for some fightin words so i’ll use my comfort boys. this may be corny but hey it works for me and this is my blog ❤️

lets get it

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Bakugo Katsuki

bro you MATCH his ENERGY so well with your clapbacks

tbh... bakugo’s clapbacks are just trash

he got the aggression but cmon now

tf is “shitty extra”

boy if you dont sit ya ass down

he LOVES your clapbacks tho

them shits be making him lose his mind

any slick shit you say he eats that UP

one time monoma was talking too much shit and you just

“nigga if you dont sit yo ass tf down fore i snatch yo forehead tf off”

safe to say bakugo busted out laughing

you were ready to post up

he lives for when you be roasting ppl under ya breath

what he doesnt like is when you roast him

bc you can and will read a bitch no hesitation

he really thought he was special....

aint shit sweet come get these roasts nigga

“boy if you dont take them damn pants off. shits look like hammer pants. cant touch this headass”

yall know how i have desiree roasting him?

that’s exactly how it be

you got a sharp ass tongue and will use it against anyone

let someone get both of yall pissed off together???

straight up verbal abuse at that point

file a complaint bc you and bakugo def made someone cry before

i think the class lwk hates you bc you helped bakugo’s clapbacks get better

which is bad for them

yall rmb those roasting vids where they go mmm after each one?

thats bakugo in the back

“big body headass”

“mm”

“dumpster truck headass”

“mm”

typa shit

he’ll hype it up too much

Todoroki Shouto

you think this man dont talk shit himself????

bro he can and will read a bitch RIGHT TO THEIR FACE TOO

he want all the SMOKE

yall together??? im sorry to whoever pissed yall off lemme plan they funeral

i imagine the way todoroki reads niggas is real sophisticated like he will point out every single insecurity you HAVE without even knowing you that well

no cursing for majority of them

“what shoes you got on?”

KAJDJSKKDKCKDDJ

yall would read bitches together but like this

“shou it’s the lifting acrylics for me”

“it’s the dusty wig for me, love”

“its the disconnecting wig for me”

“its the cakey makeup for me”

painful for them

i think he can do rapid fire roasts as soon as someone tries to start shit with you

“i know you’re not coming for my s/o. it’s the talking shoes, it’s the bootleg supreme shirt, it’s the fake chain, it’s the brittle hair”

he gets real disrespectful and wont care who it is

unless it’s your friends or family then he’ll dial it back a lil bit

if you start roasting endeavor????

my mans might be on his way to the jewelers

“try this ring on. i wanna see if it can fit you”

he finna spouse you up (spouse IS gender neutral innit?)

unrelated but todoroki is a hottie and will “ah 😜 mwah 💋” everytime and you might have a video of him losing his mind girls in the hood LMAOOOOO

Killua Zoldyck

now this boy.... cant roast for SHIT

yeah he’s a lil brat and can get mean and petty

but he cannot compare to you

this nigga’s a whole trained assassin but cant kill niggas with his words that well

🤡🤡🤡

i think the meanest thing he’s said is call you “a stupid fuckin idiot”

to which you responded with

“shut the fuck up, mushroom built ass bitch. body built like a smurf. hair lookin like hairballs cats cough up. dont get loud lil boy”

killua respectfully sat down and scratched his head

no cap that shit lwk hurt but he gonna pretend like it didnt

he dont even know what the fuck a SMURF IS

he just know that it hurt

lwk thought that was your nen

the ability to manipulate emotions into irritation or anger or some shit

like no baby they just good at roasting bitches

after a while he starts to hype you up in the back

“how you FEELLLLL”

“OOOOH BURNNNN”

“SHIT GOTTA HURT DONT IT BITCHBABY?”

eventually he learns how to roast and clapback then it’s over

the sass meter is overboard

like you might have to knock him a couple notches down

swear to god this boy uses clapbacks on leorio just to piss him off

one time leorio was telling killua to do sumn he just

“oh you must want me with the way you keep gobbling on my fuckin nuts i will do it soon relax”

you damn near BEHEADED this boy with how hard you slapped the back of his head

like it was funny but leorio wouldve JUMPED YOU

Kamado Tanjiro

OUT OF ALL OF THEM HE DOESNT WANT THAT

listen he likes to be the peacemaker

but with your clapbacks they’re enough to make zenitsu wanna post up

like you read him a lil too much

“THATS HOW YOU FEEL Y/N-CHAN? ALRIGHT”

cue tanjiro rapidly apologizing while dragging you away

the first time you roasted the absolute shit outta inosuke he had to sit down

he didnt even know what the majority of the shit you said meant

same with killua all he knew was that shit kinda hurt

tanjiro be TIRED of yall

“y/n can you PLEASE relax”

“NAH HE WANNA GET LOUD WITH ME”

“HE BREATHED”

“AND IT WAS AN AGGRESSIVE BREATH”

of course you know your limits

there’s no way you’re gonna get tanjiro to roast people

but this one time you heard him clapback by accident

“you heard me loud and clear, sir. dont act like you couldnt hear me correctly.”

like oop?

i felt a lil HEAT

aint no where near burned but for tanjiro??? good e fucking nough

dont act like he dont say some lil slick shit on the dl

this man got pent up aggression fym

tho you do be making him laugh

esp in battle if you just start reading a demon

he cant help but snicker

baby loves the way you talk and wouldnt have it any other way

if you roast him he will just go

“oh okay 🙂”

he doesnt know how to respond to that

if you roasting someone who deserves it nezuko will be your hype girl bc tanjiro’s busy trying to de-escalate the situation 💀💀💀

“and thats why yo grandma got a busted funeral”

“MMPH!”

“Y/N NO STOP THATS SO RUDE IM SO SORRY FOR THEIR BEHAVIOR THEY DONT MEAN IT”

“YES TF I DO”

“y/n shut up NO THEY DONT SORRY”

before dragging you away

jfc you’re like verbally feral

Nishinoya Yuu

your personal hypeman

will respectfully allow you to roast people

cant roast to save his life either

“you tell em!”

“yuh!”

“mhm”

“bitch”

hopping around n shit LMAOAOAOAOAO

you got that shit

someone irritating him?

“y/n.... baby.”

“alright who is it?”

“tsukishima”

“aight bet. AYE BITCH”

legend has it tsukishima is still recovering from those third degree burns

do not roast him this man will run away he values his life

“oh you must be ready to attend this barbecue”

(love that guy)

“IM VEGAN” liar

and DIPS

nigga will 100% ROLLINGGGGGG THUNDAAAAAAA tf up outta there

he can clapback and that’s the most he’ll do

he do be saying slick shit bc i hc him as someone who want all the smoke

ride or DIE

on they ass

(struggling to come up with clapbacks w/o anything to clapback to 💀💀💀)

(been cryinf over rengoku and hw my brain is mush)

“GO OFF Y/N TALK YOUR SHIT YOUR MAJESTY”

NIGGAS A CLOWN ✋🏽😭

thats all for this one folks lmao

#x black reader #bnha x black!reader #bnha x poc!reader #mha x black reader #haikyuu x black reader #haikyuu x reader #hunter x hunter x reader #hxh x reader #tanjiro x reader #killua x reader #bakugo katuski x reader #todoroki x reader #nishinoya x reader #perryat bitch #teehee

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gods-dont-bleed · 7 years

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Koyol and Svet, The Transient God and the Old God, The Mutant Snake Man and The Man of Heat and Light.

Koyol (nicknamed Kyle) is a mutant amalgam of many things- mostly Snake, but also Human, Earth, Plants, and other animal composites. He came into existence at an unknown point in time with the mind set of perhaps a small animal where as “one day, I was there” and slowly developed more human feelings like curiosity and questioning, to which he eventually left the whole he came into existence in. His agine speed decreases as he got older, and he spent many many years as a child, “civilized” by a human village that caught him and passed around like a plauge between homes as he’d outlive every family since he aged so slow. He eventually becomes an independent adventurer and traveler, and makes many great discoveries, including finding a Gem of Power, a special artifact known as the Universal Emerald (which isnt actually an emerald its Tsavorite) as well as his life long companion, an Animal Spirit in the form of a Snake from an Egg that would never hatch which Koyol found in his original Hole, so named Katrina. with the Emerald, Koyol’s travels massively expanded, and he went from having traveled everywhere in his own land to Traveling an infinite number of other worlds which he studies in grave detail. He picks up new incredible skills from each universe he visits and has even met many other versions of himself, including his Self from Svet’s universe. Over the course of his travels, others who could travel between worlds or had a knowledge of him refered to him as a nonexistant mystery beings known as The Man They Call Universe, as well did Koyol’s constantly increasing powers and skills make many think he was a god and many universes develop cults in his dedication.He’s recognized as a Snake Prince in his home world, and a god or King or many other titles in others. Svet’s world recognizes Koyol as a Transient God- a god that was once mortal but has such immense power, they can no longer be considered mortal. He has a massive arrayal of skills and abilities from ordinary mundane things he’s learned by studying cultures like Cooking, Instruments, Weaving, Writing, etc, to great powerful abilities that come from other universes, like Flow Alchemy that he learned from a universe he calls Alchemhaven (aka, the universe of Full Metal Alchemist), or Water Controling skills from another universe, Avatara (aka, the Universe of Avatar the last Airbender). As a part of being a mutant, Koyol’s body is productive of a strange and difficultto study ‘energy’ similar to radiation that can be dangerous to others over a prolongued exposure lasting years- for example, his childhood companion and one-time brother Kal, who has become severly deformed, lost two limbs and some fingers to a slowly decomposed body, and is still alive despite having known Koyol when he was a child (his aging process has slowed along side Koyol’s, but at a lesser rate, and physically he appears to be 45). Another mutation of Koyol’s mutant DNA has been a deteriorating Psychosis, more likely from an increase in bad experiences over his very long life. However, Koheu is a second being withing Kyle’s mind and within his soul, essentially a second person completely, that comes from being amutant and has been recognized as Koheu, Ender of Worlds. A chaotic, hateful man inside kyle’s head that is far beyond reason, and knows everything koyol can and do everything he can do. Kyle’s greatest passion is to Learn and to Travel, and over his life he has adopted 4 children, including his only son who has a grandchild. He’s a fiercly protective man who’s Loyalty is is at a dangerously lethal level, and his anatomy and body are all sorts of strange. He’s established his own group called the Rainbow Squad, a massive collection of people with special skills seeking escape from their original lives and to make the multiverse a better place, including training programs for abandoned children who are housed there, and massive workings of members and affiliates. Koyol is incredibly old and his biological downtick has officially stopped, and he no longer ages at the physical age of 24. Svet jokes the Koyol has to be at least half his age (which is a joke, because Svet doesnt have an age and has always existed.), and frequently refers to Koyol’s age as ‘about half as old as forever’.

Svet on contrast has a very different life story. He’s an ethereal being that was both there before time- therefor, before there was a before- and came into existance when the first light and the first heat could exist. as an Old God he is physically Immortal and unbound to a single body or even having a form at all. His life is a blur of partial omnipotence as he watched the universe form around him, within him. He knows every god, even the Void Gods that never existed, excluding some ‘newer’ Demigods or other sorts that only newly reached divinity. As long as there have been humans, Svet has been fascinated with their lives. At one point a Tyrannical dictator, at another point pretending to be a human himself, and currently just living as a god among people. Svet has almost always been a popular deity among people and has had many temples, shrines, and wars have been fought in his name. While a light hearted man on his most usual, he is a wrathful and dangerously powerful person who makes almost no corporeal sense. He’s a man of a million loves, a million friends. He has a single daughter. and while fiercely protective and Loyal... there are parts of him that would make others think otherwise, and many have eventually figured that out after a lifetime in his companionship. History on Svet is surprisingly sparse and it seems his go-with-the-flow lifestyle has meant much of his life is lesser known to others.

most of my characters tend to share specific ideals or traits strongly because im not sure how to portray other things- per example, many of my characters are Polyromantic or Polysexual, since i personally dont really see the concept of why someone would be conflicted loving two people and blah blah blah. the point is, all my characters are similar in a certain angle.

However, the conundrum of these two to me is always fun, because they to me are so... similar, and yet, there is virtually every possible reason to call them complete opposites, even down to fundamental cores.

Examples.

Koyol has lost many loved ones over the course of his long life; he finds the memories of them all very painful, and lives in constant dread of each person he knows dying, and knows they will. Contrastingly, alough Svet has also lost many over the course of his long life, He is disconnected from this sort of pain then a normal person or most gods are. His attachments are lesser, he mourns very shortly, and rarely worries or thinks twice about the passing of someone he knows,

Koyol lives a very isolated way that would make it seem as though he’s Distant, but in actuality, he gets attached very quickly and very strongly, and sees most people he knows as family. Svet, while living an outgoing and friendly, active life and meeting many people and many relationships, is actually incredibly distant from most if not all people, and cares deeply for incredibly few people in his life to the point it is very surprising.

Koyol and Svet share a strong strain of protective nature and loyalty. However, Koyol is self-sacrificing Loyal to even people who barely consider him an acquaintance. to those he values he would even readily die just at their request if they wanted him to. Svet on contrary is not self-sacrificing, or at least not nearly as much as Koyol. He will go out of his way to help friends, but wont go so far as to give up his own for simple friends or even others closer to him.

Svet is a very forward, touchy person and communicates bast with his hands, and is very physical-contact oriented. Koyol, on contrast, will most likely never touch you if he neednt. In his culture, even light touches were considered very intimate. He is also just naturally a not-touchy person and would prefer to keep a good personal bubble from others.

Svet is incredibly sensitive and is constantly aware of anything touching his body or the stream of fir- be it every fiber of his clothing to every particle of dust that settles on his skin, as a result of his body being a ‘projection’ of sorts. Koyol, contrarily, has two layers of “skin”. the top layer is extra flesh and skin and his sense of touch is extremely dull. Occasionally he sheds this layer (which is a disturbing messy process) by flexing the second layer- a layer of razor sharp, uniquely hard black scales that tear the top layer of green skin off. This layer is incredibly sensitive, though not as much as Svet’s. While his top layer is very, very dull, his hair is quite sensitive. dont pull it. hes tender headed.

Koyol’s curiosity and interest is incredibly studious, and he wants to learn essentially everything. if he doesnt know it, you can talk his ear off and he’ll be intrigued. Svet, however, while paying attention, is doing so more out of courtesy and more so to learn about you then because he actually ever cares about a topic- he rarely does.

all of Koyol’s traits/skills are hard earned, for the most part. he worked and learned them. Svet is more of a savant with natural skills in things he enjoys.

Koyol will rarely use your name. In his culture, using a name specifically to you face is intimate. He only uses names to refer to another person when talking to someone, and otherwise uses nicknames. Also, in his culture, most names start with a K or have many Ks. Svet uses names consistently, and prefers full name use to shortened nicknames (referring to Chelo as Chelovek, or calling Koyol by his name rather than his eaiser pronounced Nickname Kyle.).

Koyol is fluent in almost any language he’s ever heard of, and can communicate with any culture he’s ever met- the biggest exception to this is that he cannot use Sign Language, not for a lack of trying; he can read it easily if someone signs to him, but his hands are not flexible enough for signing and many of his gestures look wrong. to the contrary, Svet only knows Sign language, Morse code and English and has shown to have great difficulty learning new ones should he try, and rather learns more universal languages that arent spoken. He’s currently trying to learn computer Binary and how to read various Ciphers.

While they both strongly enjoy cooking and are very good at it, Koyol cannot taste sweet, hates sour flavors, and loves milk; Svet cannot taste sour even in a human body, loves Sweet flavors, and cant stand milk. They both enjoy cultural dishes. Koyol strongly refuses on drinking if he can but is fairly easy to peer pressure into it, and is a surprisingly loose-lipped drunk; Svet loves partying and quite enjoys a drink but its nearly impossible to peer pressure him into it- or anything- and is a very cut-loose, party-type drunk in any body except his normal firey one, where alcohol makes hime a more angry drunk as it reacts with his core.

They are different as fuck so i dunno why to me they see so similar.

#i have 0 memory of writing this #or drawing it #what the hell #it was just in my tabs open #what #Svet #Koyol #headcanon

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masterofpuppetsuniverse · 7 years

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Alexander Tikhomirov

some things out of my life philosophy

1) Stop doing what you dont want to do. If not right away, then with time, try to distance yourself from the necessity to do what you dont want to do.

2)Dont sacrifice yourself. The most important thing in your life is YOUR life, along with your interests. Everything else that is purchased and influenced by others- comes and goes.

3) Dont waste your energy on the little things. Part of the “dont sacrifice yourself” topic. Someones energy may be stronger, someones weaker, but the fact is YOU have your own reserve of energy and you must decide whether you spend it on meeting with friends, helping at home, phone calls, sex, work, studies, h/w, mastering PS, playing the piano, training, going to the store, etc. our future depends on how and on what we spend our energy on.

4) get some sleep. Dont drive yourself in a tight circle of concern and work. Try to organize your duties in a way so that you dont have to use an alarm clock.

5) find the tasks of your life. Try different things, small and big ideas. Even if 9/10 ideas turn out to be failures by trying something new, in time, one way or another, you’ll find that one thing that you need and that will bring you happiness. Dont EVER stop searching. If you think that youve already found the task of your life its not essential to drop it, but im sure its possible to find another one or two that will make your life brighter.

6) dont regret losses. I think that everything that was lost unfairly- will return. What was lost- will be found in something else, something better.

7) if you do it-put your heart in it Dont be afraid to do more then you were paid for. Trust me, it will all come back to you! The rule of saving energy. If you choose to do something - put your soul in it If your soul isnt in it look at tip 1.

8) develop your body Use the best instrument in your life, enjoy it, keep it in shape, test it

9) listen to good music

10) dont believe in sayings A black cat crossed the road- wait for bad luck. These ppl always wait for bad luck

11) dont be afraid of the opinion of others

12) speak of your plans and ideas This is my life-hack to always share of plans, thoughts, ideas. Others prefer not to so, since they think they wont prosper. I, on the contrary, believe that if someone knows and believes in your idea it gets more energy to be brought to life

13) dont take anything seriously I can distinguish things like death, serious injuries, imprisonment as things that i take seriously and always try to avoid these as much as i can. Everything else that you consider “serious” i distinguish as a game. A game which you dont need to worry about.

14) remember-problems dont exist I pity those twolegged with their constant problems. Their problems are in their heads. To free yourself from problems i can recommend to substitute this word to “Tasks”. As they say “if you cant solve the problem then its not your problem and if you can solve it then thats not a probkem but a task”

15) aways be a kid “Im to old to jump on your trampolines, i have work to do” “im not a kid to skate”

16) dont stay connected always Overdriven ppl are always ready to pick up the phone anytime of day. Learn to be disconnected from the outside world.

17) leave the things that bind you, dont acquire things that will bind you Business, friends, relationships. For example your friend or gf doesnt want to leave a small town to move with you to St. Petersburg- leave them!

18) take steps out of your comfort zone As ive already mentioned the 1 st thing a lifestyler must do is move out of his parents house and the other steps out of the comfort zone will become easier. I’ll quote once again (russian quote) “home is not the home of our fathers but rather there where the home of my children are And my ships shall search for it”

19) stop believing in god already If youre a realistic and logical person then chances are you already understand, that there is no god. All religions state that you must suffer and sacrifice your whole life and then, sometime later, you will experience something sweet. But if you do something that isnt by his book then you will go to a place where you will burn and suffer for eternity. But remember- God loves you. I like the thoughts of George Carlin on this matter if anyones interested.

20) choose your circle of friends The old saying that you dont choose your friends isnt relevant! Be friends with those who are better, who you can learn from. By choosing your path you choose those who will walk alongside you.

21) strive to do things so that a person from the other side of the world can say -“ Wow, thats cool!”

22) if you have a choice between learning algebra or english- learn english

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gooeyguy · 7 years

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email to my teacher (warning alot of personal stuff)

Hey so, sorry to email you out of nowhere like this? But i feel like maybe im finally at a point where i can explain more thoroughly why im having trouble with school or just succeeding in general. I think its really important that i tell you some of this junk because theres a chance it might make the rest of the year easier for you and me.

I wanted to start off with apologizing for all the trouble ive caused you throughout the year with the annoying comments, disruptions and backtalk. And most of all the terrible ability i have with doing and turning in work.

This email is mostly to explain my situation and reasoning for acting/struggling the way i have been (not to annoy you or be sarcastic).

Alright so, if you havent noticed i struggle with some things and one of them i never really bring up is ptsd. I have been diagnosed and im hoping to enlighten you on my specific issues with it, (everything i mention will apply to me as to make it less confusing from here on)

I have a specific type of ptsd called Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma) This type of ptsd is different in that it results from repetitive, prolonged trauma. My causes for being diagnosed are specifically natural-detachment from my mother and physical/sexual abuse growing up and some other things im not going to mention.

My side effects from this are,

Attachment – "problems with relationship boundaries, lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty perceiving and responding to other's emotional states, and lack of empathy"

This is strongly linked to my reactive attachment disorder and explains alot to why i am the way i am. Heres a link to a website http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-reactive-attachment-disorder#1 that explains a bit of what it is so that i do not have to make this already long email that much longer, i would also really appreciate it if you read even just a little.

I have an extreme lack of trust in others and am constantly doubting myself, there is not a second of the day where i dont think im a horrible person, i could be doing better, im disgusting to look at ect. The social isolation is a big problem for me, because im “this way” i feel that bothering others with my presence/problems/medical difficulties ect. is not necessary and for the better. Hence why i refrain from asking when i really need help, im scared to bother you. I dont want to make you angry and i know you and mrs mumford are already so stressed by the time my bell starts.

Biology – "sensory-motor developmental dysfunction, sensory-integration difficulties, somatization, and increased medical problems"

This ties into my Fibromyalgia and eds which ill explain more about after i go through ptsd. Its all kind of one big mixed bag of disorders that tie together and make me the way i am.

Affect or emotional regulation – "poor affect regulation, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions and internal states, and difficulties communicating needs, wants, and wishes"

Like i talked about before i feel extremely useless and annoying when asking for help or even talking about the things i enjoy. And when trying to explain my difficulties i stop midsentence or forget words/forget what my problem is and it becomes frustrating.

Dissociation – "amnesia, depersonalization, discrete states of consciousness with discrete memories, affect, and functioning, and impaired memory for state-based events"

THIS is what i blame for never being able to remember anything. With fibromyalgia i have whats called “brain fog” and with the constant dream like state im in because of dissociation it makes my memory absolutely terrible. Remembering your names in class took me until almost 3rd quarter and it was utterly embarrassing(i still forget sometimes), its even more embarrassing when i forget basic buttons on the calculator and have to ask in front of everyone looking like an idiot.Or when i try to shout out an answer in class and it comes out gibberish because my mind is everywhere all at once, Or when we have a test on the formula we learned a week ago, and of course my mind draws a blank. I cant remember, and it makes me so frustrated with myself that i want to break down right there in class. It renders me doing weird things too, like the other day i put the icecream in the bread drawer, and on sunday i woke up and got ready for school. Theres alot of other things i could say but its as if fibro is laughing in my face.

Dissociation in my own words is feeling like nothing is real, things dont feel like they happened. What does feel real is the pain/feeling in my body, i am a very anxious and jumpy person so im very sensitive to loud sounds/touch/weather and certain (triggering) talk among students. And yet i still feel in a daze,My vision will sometimes blur and i am very prone to falling/accidents, staying focused can be extremely frustrating because my brain feels like a cloud, its almost uncontrollable like a dream. I dont think anyone can control those very much so i think its a good example.

Behavioural control – "problems with impulse control, aggression, pathological self-soothing, and sleep problems"

Im pretty okay with impulses, i of course have alot of very impulsive thoughts but i am good at controlling them id say, same with aggression but i very much so struggle with sleep problems because of nightmares from ptsd and chronic pain from fibro, i have not been diagnosed with insomnia but im sure i fit the criteria im just really bad at opening up with doctors/people ect.

These are just a couple more symptoms to help explain,

Cognition – "difficulty regulating attention, problems with a variety of "executive functions" such as planning, judgement, initiation, use of materials, and self-monitoring, difficulty processing new information, difficulty focusing and completing tasks, poor object constancy, problems with "cause-effect" thinking, and language developmental problems such as a gap between receptive and expressive communication abilities."

Self-concept – "fragmented and disconnected autobiographical narrative, disturbed body image, low self-esteem, excessive shame, and negative internal working models of self".

Alterations in relations with others, including isolation and withdrawal, persistent distrust, a repeated search for a rescuer, disruption in intimate relationships and repeated failures of self-protection.

Loss of, or changes in, one's system of meanings, which may include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.

Variations in consciousness, including forgetting traumatic events (i.e., psychogenic amnesia), reliving experiences (either in the form of intrusive PTSD symptoms or in ruminative preoccupation), or having episodes of dissociation.

Changes in self-perception, such as a chronic and pervasive sense of helplessness, paralysis of initiative, shame, guilt, self-blame, a sense of defilement or stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings

Now that im done explaining the ptsd, Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia is a chronic pain disorder that my doctor believes to be linked to my other disorders, Fibromyalgia has to do with the senses we as humans all have, feeling, hearing, taste, and sight. The difference between someone with fibro and an average healthy person is lets say theres a knob for how strong each of these senses are, so imagine someone taking all those knobs and turning them all the way up to max sensitivity. Youd think oh cool youre like a super hero (like my sister likes to say) but no its the exact opposite, it does not benefit me whatsoever. Feeling, paired with ehlers danlos syndrome both my joints and my muscles are constantly in pain and some days ill have what you call a “flare up” which is where getting out of bed usually isnt an option for my body, i cannot remember the last time i didnt feel at least a dull ache in my head, i get migraines at least once everyday and unfortunately i get nauseous so i dont eat very much . Almost everything is irritating to my skin, a simple light rub of my finger on the top of my forearm is irritating and raw feeling (like ive been sitting there rubbing the same spot for hours) /Writing is over all painful, including typing as well/

If youve ever woken up in the morning with sore muscles from pushing yourself too hard the day before,that is how the muscles in my body feel, if you press on them they ache, and sting/burn when i use them. painful touch for most of my body paired with constant anxiety of getting bumped into/touched is stressful and tiring. On a good day my pain scale is a 5 from 1-10 but thats if im really lucky.

Then theres the weather, if im too hot and i start to sweat, the sweat stings my skin and i end up going into a frenzy of scratching and agony. If its too cold my joints will start to lock up and become painful, its like they freeze and when i move them it feels like im shattering ice in my hand mixed with dull muscle ache. If its a good temperature theres still the feeling and i swear, the sound i can hear of my joints grinding together like two pieces of rubber being rubbed against eachother slowly.

Hearing is also bad, loud sounds are very irritating to my ears and will cause my migraine to get worse.(Talking too loud)Other irritating sounds, paper rubbing against paper roughly making that blblblb sound, high pitched noises of any loudness, squeaks, repetitive beeps ect.

Sight wise turning on lights abruptly is painful and makes my migraine worse, any bright light in general.

Taste doesnt really matter so i wont mention, but because these knobs are turned full blast it means the nerves and pain receptors in my body are being over worked constantly by my brain

And my brain thinks its doing its job by constantly acting like ive been running triathalons.

The recollection of pain comes in avalanches of distress for me. I usually experience the intense turmoil of fibromyalgia in the winter, or whenever cold fronts shatter the air and its frail victims. My limbs cannot contain the strength possible to function during those cold spells. Fibromyalgia’s lengthy sentence comes and goes for some, but, as a teenager, it’s disheartening. For the rest of my life, I will never be able to remember living without every waking moment marked by pain.

The abnormality of fibro weighs on my shoulders when I’m asleep, awake, or anywhere inbetween. I wake up at 4:30 each morning in order to be shuffling around by 6:20 a.m. The heaviness of my body pulls me down and pains me as I take a shower, put on my clothes, and put my small backpack on my shoulder to head out to school. Any sense of touch creates extreme levels of pain for me. Touching my arm, poking my leg, and brushing against my back hurt as much as twisting my ankle. My distraught reaction is a lot like a dog crying in pain and distrust after you accidentally step on its paw. Because im always in pain im always right next to the emotional breaking point, im always on the verge of tears. The smallest things can make me break down.

The pain prohibits me from being a teenager. Thanks to fibro, I cannot dress up in my favorite clothes and be what you call “Extra” everyday as i so much wish to be during the winter. My hands are crooked and shake too much usually to apply makeup. I struggle with applying eyeliner, because my hands hurt too much wrapped around a brush. The uncomfortable school chairs make me weep when I return home, because they destroy my concentration, forcing me to focus on the overwhelming pain I feel. I used to excel in school, but now, I can barely think fast enough, and come off as ditzy. I feel like I’m constantly struggling to maintain the fragments of my intelligence I lost due to fibro medication and fibromyalgia itself.

My GPA, became my ball and chain in school, rather than an accomplishment worth sharing. During the year, my schedule is dictated by the weather. Cold weather causes agonizing, excruciating pain that races down my spine and branches through my limbs. If a cold front passes, rain falls, snow falls, or temperatures drop, I freeze like the Tin Man, except there isn’t any oil to move my joints. The way I get sleep should be considered a torture method. Many people feel refreshed or renewed when they wake up after 8 hours, but I feel completely restless and exhausted. And thats if the nightmares from the PTSD dont interrupt. I toss and turn for hours in pain, because the pain signals interrupt the sleep cycle. I cry intensely whenever I think of sleep; school usually means a lack of sleep, but I am further deprived without choice. My biological system cannot allow me to rest, and continues to tense my muscles in a constant state of flight or fight.

With most schools starting at 8 a.m., my body struggles to run on 8 hours of sleep (which really feels like two). The exhaustion prevents me from hanging out with some of my closest friends. In the early stages of having fibromyalgia, I used to be able to do school clubs, hang out with my best friend, and go to cons with my friends often. Now, I spend my time huddled down, trying to make up for the nights of lost sleep. The lack of sleep and the endless pain contribute to extreme depression. And to keep my mood relatively happy i act like a goose in school with friends which doesnt do me good with teachers, I do it to not break down and let myself get too low around others because i know id regret embarrassing myself like that more than anything. The pain yearns for my thoughts to leap toward suicidal thoughts, and I was obsessed with death for years and still am. There was a time when I searched for ways to end my life, because nobody could help me and I couldn’t face living the rest of my life knowing that I’ll always be in pain. I still have these thoughts, and I believe I always will as long as I emit pain. Hence why i was in the hospital for a week recently, the hopelessness and embarrassment is dragging me down. The whole idea of having fibromyalgia embarrasses me. I’m embarrassed that I am constantly being called crippled, disabled, or chronically ill.Or worse not being noticed at all while struggling. I’m embarrassed that fibromyalgia makes me feel like I’m 67 instead of 16. I’m embarrassed that I will never be able to be an artsy beat poet like Patti Smith, or a rock ‘n’ roll guitarist like Keith Richards.

So i think thats as much as i can cover for you right now with my two of my biggest problems , im extremely exhausted and im not joking when i say my fingers feel like they are gonna fall off haha.

Im terribly sorry for how long this email is but i think i got most everything with these two topics in there, also dont feel obliged to reply to this, im already embarrassed i even wrote all this down (terribly).

Quick thing i would like to say before i end the email, with all respect i am not looking for sympathy in any way. I am simply stating the way i am in hopes that if you understand itll make things less stressful for me and you. So dont feel like you have to do anything for me.

Thankyou for reading if you got this far, really. (btw forwarding this to Mrs. m******d is totally okay with me)

#i was up at 2 am writing this #its kinda gross #but it explains so much

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