#and it was hard for him to express himself with Nini because she didn’t respond to anything he did she actively rejected it and she | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

skaterboybowen · 4 years

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is it chill that you’re in my head (cause i know that it’s delicate)

*A Redky oneshot*

Summary: "Ricky wasn’t exactly sure what that meant for him, or what that meant for his friendship with Red, and he honestly didn’t want to give it too much thought. All he knew was that when he thought about Nini lately, it was always with uncertainty. As he thought about Red that night, and the idea of kissing him, he didn’t think he’d ever been so certain about anything. And that? That was terrifying."

In which Ricky comes to realise that his feelings for Red may not be as friendly as he previously thought.

You can read it on AO3 here

(fic is under the break)

Wispy clouds were drifting peacefully close to the horizon, tinged a deep red by the fading sky behind it. The bustling sounds of cars driving home on the main road reached the large house Red and Ricky were stood in front of, faces flushed slightly from the rush to get there.

“I told you we should’ve left earlier,” Red said as Ricky reached out to knock the door.

“Hey, being fashionably late never hurt anyone,” he defended, earning a scoff from his friend.

He looked as though he wanted to argue some more, but the door swung open before he could open his mouth, warm light flooding out onto the porch. EJ’s tall frame appeared in the doorway, and Ricky didn’t think he’d ever seen a smile fall so fast.

“Brave of you to show up, Bowen.”

Ricky felt a small amount of annoyance flare up inside of him, but he tried hard to push it down. He was there for Nini after all, and he’d already made enough of an enemy out of EJ.

“Thanks!” he responded, with the brightest smile he could muster, “can we come in now?”

EJ pressed his lips together. His eyes swept over Ricky, then over Red, who had remained silently by his friend’s side.

“If this was my party—“

“You wouldn’t let us in, yeah, yeah, have a day off,” said Ricky, taking Red’s hand and tugging him inside, right past EJ.

Red let out a disbelieving laugh as they entered, one that was swallowed up the pulsing music.

“He’s not gonna let that go, you know?”

“Yeah, well, I have more important things to worry about,” said Ricky, dropping Red’s hand. For a moment, he swore he saw Red’s expression fall with it.

“I still think going to a party just for her is an overkill,” he said with a sigh, following Ricky as he began to weave his way through the small groups that had gathered.

“Dude, I auditioned for a whole ass musical to prove myself to her,” he said, laughing slightly, “this is nothing.”

They came to a halt once they’d reached the backyard patio, illuminated in short bursts by various coloured lights. A large table was set to the side, filled with an array of drinks. Even Ricky could admit the music and chatter, combined into one big hum of noise, was rather overwhelming. He tried not to focus on it too much.

“There she is!” he whisper-yelled, gaze landed on where Nini was stood with a few other girls. EJ was a whole other room away at that moment, so really, the timing was perfect. Although they’d broken up, Ricky still didn’t think he’d take too kindly to him talking with Nini.

Ricky turned to Red, hands coming up to frantically straighten his shirt and smooth down his hair.

“How do I look?” he asked quickly, and Red almost seemed sad.

“Great...you look great, Ricky.”

“Are you sure? Is my hair—“

“Your hair’s fine, I swear. Go talk to her!” he urged, although something about his tone seemed half-hearted. He turned Ricky around, giving him a gentle push forward.

“Shit, okay, okay, be cool Ricky,” he mumbled to himself, heart thudding away rapidly with each step he took forward.

He was nearing the centre of the patio when he glanced back at Red, mostly for reassurance, only to find a frown had twisted its way across his friend’s face. He hesitated, confusion clouding his nerves for a moment.

Red noticed within an instant, forcing a smile onto his lips and flashing him a thumbs-up. Ricky pushed on, albeit still somewhat puzzled. His gaze zeroed back in on Nini, who looked beautiful as she always did, brown hair lit up by the lights above her head. But somehow, instead of the large flock of butterflies that Ricky was used to, he felt nothing but a small tug. Like all of a sudden his emotions had been muted.

Nini finally turned, following some prompting from her friends. Shock flickered over her face, but only for a moment before being replaced by exasperation. Ricky felt himself freeze up.

“Nini! Hi...I, um, I just wanted to—“

“Spin the bottle! Come inside if you wanna play spin the bottle!”

At that, people began to swarm inside, and Nini just shook her head at him, allowing herself to be tugged away by Kourtney. Ricky watched for a moment, not even feeling sad in the way he probably should’ve been. He approached a nearby wall and slid down against it, head bowed to avoid making eye contact with any of the remaining people. Lately, it seemed his feelings had all been one confusing, jumbled mess and he could hardly figure out if he was pursuing Nini out of habit or if he actually still liked her the way he once had.

“How’d it go? My view was kind of blocked.”

Ricky looked up to meet Red’s gaze and sighed. “I didn’t really get to talk to her.”

“Oh...I’m sorry,” said Red, sitting down on the patio beside him.

Ricky waved him off. “It’s fine. I don’t even know if I...”

Red hesitated, before placing a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t know if you what?”

“...Like her. Anymore, anyway.”

Silence fell between them, filled only by the muffled music that was coming from inside, seeping in through the cracks of the door. A few people remained here and there, but they didn’t pay the pair much mind as they sipped at their drinks.

“Oh,” Red breathed, “how do you know that?”

“I just don’t feel the same,” he explained, and although there was certainly more to it than that, he really didn’t have the energy to go there.

“So...do you wanna leave then? You could come over to my place if you wanted,” he said, voice gentle as though anything louder would somehow break his friend.

Ricky sucked in a deep breath, before letting it out again. “Yeah, I guess so.”

As they navigated their way through the house and out of the front door, narrowly avoiding another face-off with EJ, Ricky wasn’t focusing on Nini, or where she was sat with her friends. His attention was drawn to Red, and the hand he had rested on his back. Ricky hadn’t drunk anything during the short time he’d spent at the party, and he could’ve certainly made his own way through the crowds, but it still felt nice. Like something stable amongst the whirlwind of thoughts in his head.

The walk back to Red’s place wasn’t long. Red talked mostly about the trailer for a new video game he’d seen on YouTube, and how excited he was to play it. Ricky wasn’t the greatest at video games despite playing occasionally, so he just listened, allowing Red’s voice to wash over him. It was a very welcome contrast to all the noise from the party, which had suffocated him as though somehow it had become a material thing, blanketing him.

“Sorry, I have to do laundry,” Red said with a sheepish smile, kicking a few stray shirts beneath his bed as they entered his room. He flicked on a lamp, which bathed everything in a warm glow.

“Dude, have you seen my room on a bad day? You’re good,” he assured.

Ricky could feel a fond smile twitching on his face. He’d been in Red’s room more times than he could count, to the point where it felt like second nature just coming up there and collapsing down onto the bed. He’d almost forgotten how much he loved it.

Red sat down, moving a pair of game controllers from his bed to his desk. Ricky sat opposite him, crossing his legs as he glanced about the room.

“So...do you wanna play a game?” Red asked, and Ricky gave a shrug.

“Sure. Any game in mind?”

“Well, we haven’t played a horror game in a while,” he said, shuffling towards the edge of his bed so he could scan over his collection.

“Orrr, we could not do that,” said Ricky, and Red threw him a playful smile.

“Because you’re scared?”

“I am not scared, I just don’t understand the point in purposely freaking yourself out, that’s all,” he defended.

“...Sounds like what someone who’s scared would say,” Red teased as he pulled out a particular game, jumping up and approaching his TV.

Ricky leaned over to grab the controllers, watching as Red set up the game. When he turned around to find the controllers gone, a knowing smile crossed his face.

“You really don’t wanna play a horror game.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Hand over the controllers,” Red said, laughing slightly, and Ricky just shook his head.

Red advanced forward some more, padding along the carpet until he was at the edge of the bed. Ricky honestly didn’t know how they ended up the way they did, all he knew was that one minute Red was playfully tackling him, reaching behind him to grab the controllers (“it’s not even a horror game, I swear!”), then the next he was leaning back ever so slightly, leaving nothing but a few inches between their faces.

Ricky was certain you could’ve heard a pin drop that room, with only the sounds of their ragged breaths filling the silence. Red’s smile was fading, and all the things Ricky should’ve felt earlier at that party — the butterflies, the blush on his face, the lightness — came over him all at once. He froze. The controllers were long forgotten, laying beside his head.

Red was the first to back away, clearing his throat in the process. A flush had appeared along his cheekbones, spreading gradually to the rest of his face. Ricky was still frozen in place, unsure of what exactly to say.

“Um. Any game is cool with me. I don’t mind.”

Every instinct within him was yelling at him to just get up and leave. He was almost tempted to, but something kept him there.

“Okay,” Red murmured, reaching over to grab the controllers. He very purposely avoided any contact, and Ricky felt something twist inside of him. He tried not to think about it, but later on in the darkness of his room, his mind brought him back to that moment, and the only thing he could think was what if.

What if Red had kissed him? What would he have done?

It took hours upon hours of tossing and turning until he finally reached his answer.

He would’ve kissed back.

Ricky wasn’t exactly sure what that meant for him, or what that meant for his friendship with Red, and he honestly didn’t want to give it too much thought. All he knew was that when he thought about Nini lately, it was always with uncertainty. As he thought about Red that night, and the idea of kissing him, he didn’t think he’d ever been so certain about anything.

And that? That was terrifying.

The following morning at school, Ricky did the only thing he knew how when he was confronted by anything unexpected — he avoided it. He skipped his usual hang-out with Red in the morning, purposefully taking an alternative route into school and heading straight to his first class. It wasn’t his proudest decision by any means. He was so ridiculously used to having Red by his side, but something about last night had shaken him. Although Ricky had certainly had his moments, he’d never felt so nervous about the prospect of being around Red before. His friend, who he’d gladly kiss, as he’d discovered the previous night.

It was as though someone had directed all of his feelings from Nini to Red, and Ricky thought that was sort of cruel, really. Surely he hadn’t messed up so badly that the universe would curse him with feelings for his best friend.

Once the bell had rung, he waited until everyone had the left the room before exiting, glancing about warily for any signs of Red. It almost felt somewhat pathetic, but Ricky couldn’t help it.

The coast seemed clear, so he made his way towards his locker, gaze trained firmly on the floor. The one moment he happened to glance up, Red was talking to Ashlyn on the opposite side of the corridor. Suddenly, it seemed every emotion bubbled to the surface at once, keeping his feet rooted to the floor where he stood. He reached up, fiddling with the strap on his bag as he watched Red begin to laugh at something Ashlyn had said.

He stared a few moments longer, unable to help it now that he had started. When Red’s gaze met his he did a double-take, and Ricky’s urge to just avoid returned in full swing. He didn’t waste a second before scurrying away to his locker, dumping a few of his books inside and taking off for his next class.

Ricky’s free period found him in an empty classroom with Carlos, who’d happily agreed to help him with dance routines on occasion if he ever needed it. The sequence they were going through on that particular day wasn’t difficult by any means; it was probably one of the easiest to remember, but no matter how hard Ricky tried he couldn’t keep his mind from wandering, to a place that was filled with thoughts about Red rather than thoughts about dance.

He could sense that Carlos was more puzzled than he was frustrated at his repeated mistakes, which only seemed to worsen with each try. Eventually, he jumped up onto the table behind him, eyebrows furrowed.

“You’ve done this before without mistakes, Ricky. Did you forget the steps? Or are you just...not with it today?”

Ricky swallowed, rubbing anxiously at the back of his neck. “I don’t know. I guess I’ve got stuff on my mind. Maybe we could do this another time? I’m sorry for wasting your—“

“Hey, no apologising,” Carlos interrupted, “every dancer has off-days! Except me, of course. Is there anything you wanna talk about? I know I’m only your choreographer, but...I’m pretty good at listening when I want to be.”

Ricky couldn’t help a small smile at that. He shrugged off his jacket, wondering how he hadn’t noticed the heat earlier.

“Thanks. And...I don’t know. It’s complicated.”

Carlos arched an eyebrow. “I can handle complicated.“

He dragged the soles of his shoes along the carpet for a moment, trying to determine an appropriate place to start. Ricky had never been one to voice his feelings aloud like this — usually, he’d depend upon Red for support, but this one thing he couldn’t exactly share with him.

“I think I like my friend,” Ricky blurted, before clapping a hand over his mouth. He’d barely been able to thinkthat, let alone give it any kind of voice. Once he had however, he knew it was the truth.

A sympathetic smile came to Carlos’ lips. “Nini?”

Ricky stared for a moment, cheeks beginning to burn with embarrassment. He looked down at his shoes before speaking again, voice softer now.

“No. Not her.”

“...Oh. Then who? If you don’t mind me asking.”

Silence. Ricky’s stomach had suddenly become full with thousands of obnoxious butterflies.

“Guess,” he ended up saying, because although he could think who it was, confessing it aloud was another matter entirely.

He finally gathered the courage to look up again and meet Carlos’ gaze.

“Um, okay...who are you friends with...Ashlyn?”

Ricky shook his head no.

“...Gina?”

“I’m not really friends with her,” he said, with a nervous laugh.

Carlos looked pensive, as though calculating something in his head. After a few seconds his expression shifted, and Ricky felt his stomach drop.

“Is it...a boy or a girl?”

Ricky hesitated, before answering with a quiet “it’s a boy.”

Shock flitted over Carlos’ face. “Oh. Is it Red?”

He probably should’ve been more worried that Carlos had guessed so quickly, but he supposed Red was the obvious choice. He gave a timid nod, and the look on Carlos’ face softened.

“So you think you like him?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, that’s okay. You can’t help your feelings.”

“He’s my best friend, Carlos,” said Ricky, running a hand through his hair, “couldn’t my feelings have chosen someone else? A girl, maybe? I can deal with girls but I can’t deal with this. Whatever it is.”

Carlos shook his head at that, getting up from his table and crossing the room towards Ricky. He took his hand and tugged him gently towards two chairs at the back of the room so that they could sit down. Ricky did so hesitantly, glancing over at Carlos in the process. With that confession out in the open, he felt strangely exposed.

“You know what? Yeah. Maybe liking a girl would be easier. Sometimes I think liking girls would be easier. But then I think...even though it’s harder sometimes, it doesn’t mean it’s not worth it. If I forced myself to like girls then I’d be miserable. Which, admittedly, would make for some amazing interpretive dance, but that’s not the point here. What I’m saying is I’m sure if you pushed down your feelings for guys when they came around just because...well, they’re guys, then you’d become pretty miserable too. And I don’t want that for you. Because I know how that feels.”

Ricky was floored for a moment after that, eyes widened as he stared back at Carlos. It was hard to imagine him as anything but confident, but when he thought about, that was probably far-fetched. No one could be confident all the time.

“I guess you’re right. But I don’t know if he...” Ricky gestured about with his hands, as though somehow that would relay his thoughts. Carlos seemed to get the gist.

“You don’t know if he likes you back?” he asked, eyebrows raised slightly, and Ricky gave a quick nod.

“I mean, I guess we almost kissed last night, but he pulled away so I don’t think he’s interested,” Ricky continued with a shrug, and Carlos’ eyes widened.

“Hold up, hold up, re-fricking-wind, you two what last night?”

“Almost kissed,” he repeated, louder this time, “he was trying to get some controllers from me and then somehow we ended up really close...”

“Um...Ricky...if Red was even thinking about kissing you then I hate to say it but...that’s not straight.”

“Well, I don’t know if he was thinking that,” said Ricky, “he was probably thinking more along the lines of ‘wow, this is weird!’”

A slight smile appeared on Carlos’ face. “Well...there’s only one way to find out.”

“If you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking, then no. There is no way in hell I’m doing that.”

“What? Addressing the situation with him like an adult?”

“Okay, one — I’m not an adult yet! And two — what do you think I should say, Carlos? ‘Hey Red, I know I was trying to get Nini back about two fucking seconds ago but I kind of can’t stop thinking about kissing you and I think that means I like you, so yeah!’”

Carlos rolled his eyes at that. “Okay, there are better ways of approaching it than that.”

“Like what?” he asked, somewhat desperately.

“Like anything but that. Just say...you’re kind of confused about your feelings, and that you’re new to liking boys, but you think you might like him and that it’s okay if he doesn’t like you back.”

“Ugh. Can you please stop being logical for a second?”

Carlos just gave him a playful smile. “So? Are you gonna do it?”

“...Maybe,” said Ricky, and that seemed to be good enough for Carlos because he clapped his hands together and jumped up from his chair.

“Perfect! Now, we have ten minutes until the end of the period, so about we try going through the sequence again?”

Ricky, miraculously enough, got the steps right on his first try.

Skateboarding was usually just something fun for Ricky, a means to distract himself for a few hours from other aspects of his life. At other times, like today, it felt more like an escape. The sun was burning outside, barely any clouds in its way, and the skateboarding rink had almost become stuffy with the heat. Ricky couldn’t bring himself to care. He just focused ahead, attempting to clear his head of anything that wasn’t skateboard-related.

He honestly hadn’t been aware of anyone watching him until he approached the nearby staircase for a quick water break, skateboard tucked under his arm. His heart leapt when his eyes landed on Red, who stood up from where he was sat upon noticing Ricky there.

“You should’ve waved me over, dude! I didn’t even see you here,” he said, with a forced laugh.

Red just brushed him off. “It’s fine.”

They looked at each other for a moment. Ricky was hyper-aware of all the people in that building with them, going about their skating, so he gestured towards the exit. Red seemed to get the message, and they were walking out into the street soon enough. They were met with a cool gust of evening breeze, one that Ricky was sure would mess up his hair.

“Sorry I—“

“I didn’t—“

They both laughed slightly at their respective failed attempts to speak. After that, the tension between them didn’t seem so thick anymore, although it was certainly still there.

“Um, you first,” said Ricky, coming to a halt and leaning his skateboard against the concrete wall beside him. Red smiled slightly and nodded.

“I was gonna say I didn’t see you around much at school...I’m guessing it’s because you were avoiding me, so I just wanted to apologise if I made you feel uncomfortable yesterday. You’re my friend...and I don’t wanna lose that.”

Ricky couldn’t help but feel slightly overwhelmed for a moment or two, opening and closing his mouth to speak before finally managing to string together a sentence.

“You didn’t make me feel uncomfortable. And I’m sorry for avoiding you. That wasn’t cool of me.”

Red looked puzzled at that. “Then...what was it?”

Ricky’s mouth went dry. He hesitated, looking anywhere but at his friend’s face.

“I was just confused.”

“Confused about what?”

“My feelings.”

Red laughed slightly, but it wasn’t his usual laugh. It sounded uneasy.

“Your feelings about what? If um, if you wanna say, that is.”

Ricky looked around desperately, wishing that the floor could somehow just swallow him up. He was very seriously considering just fleeing, but then he remembered Carlos’ encouragement from earlier that day, and a sense of resolve came over him. He let his eyes flutter shut.

“Remember when I said I don’t like Nini anymore?”

“Yeah...?”

“I think I know why now.”

Ricky somehow managed to work up the nerve to open his eyes again. Red was looking back at him, lips parted slightly in shock. It almost seemed as though he could sense what Ricky was trying to say.

“I...think I like you. Like...the way I used to like Nini.”

“I—“

“Wait, before you say anything! I just...it’s okay if you don’t like me back.”

“Ricky, I—“

“It’s all pretty new and confusing anyway and I’m sure if I just left it for a bit it’d go away—“

“Ricky—“

“And we could be friends like normal because you mean a lot to me and I know I suck a lot at showing that but you really do and—“

Ricky’s rambling was cut short by Red, who let out a frustrated sigh and surged forward, cupping his face gently and connecting their lips. A landslide of shock crashed down over Ricky, and he froze up, arms stuck by his sides. Red pulled away slightly, worry written all over his face.

“Sorry, I—“

Before he could fully step away, Ricky was drawing him back in, connecting their lips again with a lot less force. It was short, and soft, and barely-there, but it was enough in Ricky’s eyes, especially for the time being.

Red’s face was lit up by a smile as he pulled away, hair slightly wind-swept. “I like you too.”

“I—I gathered that, yeah,” Ricky nodded, with a somewhat breathless laugh.

Neither of them said anything for a moment. Then, Ricky was picking up his skateboard and nodding his head towards the pathway next to them.

“Wanna come over? I have a few video games on my PC.”

Red nodded, and as they went on their way, Ricky could confidently say it was the lightest he’d felt over the past few weeks.

#redky #red x ricky #hsmtmts #fanfic #my fics #my writing

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