#and i want to move away as soon as i can
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things that went down during my last family dinner
-an incestous relationship between a family friend's sister and her cousin (ew)
-all the thousands of crushes my aunt has had over the years plus comments from my grandma
-a hardcore shipping session from all my family for my aunt and her "ex" boyfriend whom are currently together in colombia and will be there alone together for the next month
-what went down during my parents'wedding
-my dad's version of scary story: he once got stuck in a house in somewhere while a storm raged outside with no electricity on halloween
-my grandpa leaving my aunt in the economy class while he went in buisness during a flight from italy to canada
-my grandpa leaving my grandma in an hotel in said canada without her credit card, so she couldn't pay for her hotel room
-my aunt's airplane sleeping methods
-this guy who once flew next to said aunt, whod probably taken a xanax before and had his blanket up his head, a sleeping mask over it and managed to sleep through all the several attempts at waking him up
-my aunt and her cousin (my uncle) pretending to be a couple on their honeymoon to get a free upgrade
-how to kill scorpions according to my grandma: smash them with a hammer
-me screaming when a wasp sat next to me
-zia cocchi goes to verona and back to melbourne: special edition
-how many crickets we saw
-this guy my aunt had a "crush" on whom she actually wanted to poison/j
-whether or not you can take melatonin while pregnant
-a tech glove made of a sock my brother made
-where the moon was (we couldnt see it)
-my aunt singing the australian anthem
-CATS
-my uncles landlord who misteriously disappeared
-more people who misteriously disappeared, among which this guy my dad met who ran away from everything and everyone and travels america on his motorbike
-what my grandmas gonna do now that my grandpa's away
#really random#but it was iconic#thought id post it#you might find some of these things in my writing lmao#as much as my parents are annoying#and half my family quite prejudiced#and i want to move away as soon as i can#tea was spilled#and was very interstingggg
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#theme: moving away#from home#from people#idk#i’m gonna get out of here soon#and i’m gonna move somewhere where i’m happy#and where i can do what i want to do#and be who i want to be#web weaving
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being able to drive really will improve my life tons I need to get on that. Living here wouldn't be so hurts if I could take day trips out of town by myself every once in a while
#talkys#i. dont know if ive decided on doing this yet#but maybe if im able to drive to the point of driving out of town#ill make hrt appt (all clinics are like 2 hrs away) and start T while living here.#it will be very scary and risky.#but i don't think itd be smart to make my life 10000x harder by trying to move out solely so i can go on T.#my biggest fear rn is my parents are always looking for something to be wrong with me so i fear theyd find#a way to get the medical info out of me. and theyd obviously notice the changes. but idk. idk#im not going to be able to move out anytime soon. and im so tired. im only getting older. i dont want to be older w.o it.
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when i was in highschool one o my biggest coping mechanisms was drawing all the kids i hated getting killed and eaten and killed. and well. time is a slowly ascending spiral. you will find patterns.(i work as a blackjack dealer. gamblers are FASCINATING
#cw blood#luckys original content#ITS SMALL BUT ITS ART SO IT GOES ON THE ART BLOG#also wwaooooww its meee its my lil persona!!! i dont draw myself enough....#anyway i have bigger things in the works. im slowly but surely chipping away at a pd thumbnail for that pd thumbnail project#FINALLY COLORING. BUT COLORING IS SO HARD AND I HAVNT BEEN IN THE COLORING MOOD#SO IVE JUST BEEN MAKING RLY DUMB COMICS INSTEAD... OOPS..#idk if anything finished n polished will be posted here anytime soon. BUT i post wips of everything on my twitter#and i post jrwi exclusive wips on my slucky blog. you may look at those if u have Truck Art Wishdrawls. as many do. as many do#THIS BLACKJACK JOB IS RLY AWESOME BTW DONT GET ME WRONG#i work three 12-hour days ina row. i gotta take an hourlong bus up to the depths o the mountains and then#i get to stay in this delightful lil hotel that was built in an ooold hospital. its a whole casino town. and an OLD one at that#ITS GORGEOUS HERE. last week my bus home was delayed for 2 hours#so i finally got the chance to head to other casinos and try drinkin n gambling. lost ten bucks to a pretty girl. NOT the first time#i rlly wanna try it again!!! i love interracting w ppl and i love being inebriated in public bc im just so sweet and pleasant and friendly#and pretty girls LLOOOOVEE MEEEEE i think i just need to go to gay bars more#but theres fucking NONE HERE. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im collectin comrade queers up here tho#we wanna make a Group but we just gotta come up witha name first. i need something weird and strange#yknow i remember being in highschool. and being miserable n unmedicated. my mommas ultimatum was that;#if i dont drop out of highschool; i dont need to move out. she probably wouldntve kicked me out anyway bc my mommas sweet like that but#she REALLY wanted me to graduate. and i remember dreading that i might never do that#i remember feeling like the Resident Idiot. sweet but so so fucking dumb. it took me 7 years of strife n stress before i finally graduated#i remember worrying back then that i might not ever be able to handle myself out there. that i'd be too dependant on others#AND HERE I AM. DID U KNOW I WAS LOOKIN AT HOUSES A WHILE AGO? IM AN ADULT AND IM WWINNINNNGGGGGGG#IM RUNNING OUTA ROOM BUT HERES MY ADVICE TO YOU. BC I KNOW UR FUCKING SCARED TOO. THE ONE THING THAT SAVED ME.#THAT KEPT ME FROM SINKING INTO DESPAIR IS REMEMBERING ONE THING: ITS LITERALLY JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#MOST PPL YOU CAN JUST WALK UP TO N ASK A QUESTION N THEYLL ANSWER. THEYRE ALL NPCS THEYRE NOT REAL#LIKE IF U WALK INTO A BANK AND ASK HOW A DEBIT CARD WORKS THEY WILL HELP YOU#AND IF YOU THINK THEY HAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES RELATING TO MONEY. YOU CAN ASK THE CUSTOMERS TOO. ITS JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#ANYWAY STAY SAFE KIDS HAVE FUNNNNN. IM GOING TO GO DO DRUGS NOW. HOPE U CAN DO DRUGS SOON TOO. I LOVE YOU
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the GREAT PATREON SMUSH
I was going to make an advertisement for this with bright colors and maybe animated sparkles but 1) I hate making ads and 2) we are all so exhausted by bright ads vying for our brain chemicals that I just don’t want to do that to you anymore!!!! I’m TIRED of things grabbing for my attention in an unending assault on my senses and I’m sure you are too!!!!!!!
if you’ve been doom-scrolling and need a break (a nice beverage, a stretch of the legs, etc.), take this as a sign to do so now. if you’ve got the energy for a little reading, though, and want to learn about my work - keep going!
ANYWAYS I’ll get to the point: ALL of my patreon benefits are now available to the lowest ($3) tier.
in fact, there ARE no other tiers anymore. they’re gone! scrunched! smunshed! stirred up all together into one big super tier soup of everything I offer now and will offer in the future!
everyone now gets:
over 100 4k desktop wallpapers
early access/wips
25% discounts on prints
livestream voice chat
art votes & art suggestions
commission slots
and access to the Art Grotto discord, a friendly and chill server with a small community of creative folks. we share art, writing, pets, memes, and also come up with fun art ideas together! 🌈
why am I smushing the tiers and giving up the higher pledge amounts?!
because capitalism sucks, we’re in a recession, and I’m lucky enough to have a full-time job that allows me to make art without being reliant on Patreon income. anyone who has sat in on one of my livestreams knows that I try to be a calming force in an often-chaotic world, and that I’m always looking for ways to make art more accessible to everyone. I want my Patreon to be a place where I can give back to those who are supporting me in this mission!
this tier smush is just the start of how I hope to transform this space! I have a bunch of fun ideas about stuff I want to do in the future, so keep an eye out for more announcements like this 👁
that’s all!!!! thank you if you’ve read this far, and here’s the link to the Patreon if any of this interested you!
#auropost#i'm moving more and more away from trying to create bite-sized flashy info posts lately#like i don't want to be a brand!!!! i'm not a commercial!!!#and YOU are not an audience/consumer/target market/number on a screen!!#you're a PERSON!!!!!!#we're all people and this is a conversation#i'm de-programming a lot of social media brain rot right now#i don't care if that means that people scroll past my text posts#because i don't want to resort to assaulting your eyeballs with a graphic#we've all seen enough for a lifetime. for multiple lifetimes#so i'm trying to do something else#anyways my secret ideas for new patreon benefits involve discord livestreams of all the tech travel i've been doing lately#and then my ultimate patreon benefit goal is to go on a tour of public libraries in patrons' states#where i can host public xr art classes with people in person!!!#i'm already gonna be doing this in la soon so if success keeps up i want to take it on the road#with a focus on doing classes for discord members in their own home states!#eventually i'm thinking about making the discord server public as well#but right now it's just a well kept secret since i like that it's small :'D#anyways SINCERELY thank you if you've gotten this far. even if you can't join the patreon i appreciate that you took the time to read this#your time and attention is valuable and i don't take it lightly. take care 💖
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I'm so fucking touch starved y'all
#dw i'm fine#just wanna hold and be held#standard stuff#nothing new#wish i knew literally anyone in my area#but no all the people i wanna cuddle are minimum 1 state away#i don't want to need to plan a vacation just to be held#i need to fucking move#i'm planning my move soon and i'll be nearer and it'll be so nice#but that's months out#it's been a while and it'll probably be a while yet before i can be touched again#why do all the worst things in life have no solutions
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Discussion was a few days ago (I'm late to the party), but can verify: Zhongchi in Youn's style is highest quality! The most beautiful of this entire website, definitely worth digging down to it and indulging in it (shame that only limited amount of it now, but everybody better respect Youn's choice or you bouta catch these hands!)
Youn's style is prettiest style, full vibes, very feeling, best content <3 <3
i wouldnt say its highest quality or the most beautiful. thank you for thinking so tho, and that you like those
if no one minds can we just move on with this topic......ppl constantly bringing up zc and how they like this stuff and praise it and miss it or anything kinda feels like im disappointing with the things i currently draw and that make me happy and bring me life (which is silly bc i only draw what i like and want and not what others want or expect me to do so i shouldnt think about this disappointment thing but uknow)
if anyone misses zc, i rlly suggest looking for zc artist to follow and not me bc i def dont want to draw them anytime soon
ever since i draw hkvthm i feel joy in drawing again and actually like how my art turns out; im flooded with too many ideas even and also love using colors (which stressed me out before) even my friends pointed out the change in my hkvthm doodles, that you can see and feel how much i love and enjoy what i do
before that i had too may art blocks and no motivation. just thinking about zc makes me feel the mood i was in at the end of it. endlessly tired and no motivation or energy. constantly forcing myself to draw smth, anything. thats not how you should do art. thats why i dont want to draw them anymore and there wont be any zc of me in the next time.
saying this directly so ppl will understand, is not directed at you. its in general.
#im glad you guys like my zc stuff but pls can we stop bringing them up#you might not push me saying it directly or even intending it but this kinda feels like theres an underlying#'so beautiful and pretty and amazing-- saying this in hopes it makes u want to draw them again soon'#which is prob just my brain being stupid but if different ppl keep saying this now it kinda does feel like that#anw thankyou you like them sm and think of it as pretty etc i dont wanna come off as ungrateful#its just a little bit too much about art and ship i feel tired about and want to move away from for a while#sorry and hope no one is upset or smth wasnt my intention#i just rlly need to voice my general displeasure everytime i see their name pop up in my inbox#reply#tbd
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feeling hopeful as spring comes along feeling maybe joyous and maybe like hey . gonna be all okay.
#scrolls#scary scary point in my life for me. reintegrating into society. moving away soon. going to college.#being introduced to worrying about my money for the first time. but feeling really excited and. like im seeing the light of day#like Hey! Its me! Look how far youve come and look how far you can go. And its so much. and so scary. But Thrilling.#I want to live! I want to live! I love earth! People care about me! I care about people!#All that sort of thing.#Often overwhelmed by the amount of things i need and want to do#scared i wont be able to do it all. But remembering again that im just so grateful to be able to do any of it
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Living in this house is so fucking frustrating I was just in the bathroom and kept getting screamed at by my mom’s boyfriend for being in there for too long even tho I literally only use the bathroom like once or twice a day in an attempt to avoid that exact fight and I kept telling him I’d be out in a minute and to leave me the fuck alone so I could wash my face and he wouldn’t stop and my mom started yelling too and I just completely lost my shit like I was just pounding the heels of my hands into either side of my head over and over again like I was trying to squash it like a grape lmfao I wish it fucking worked!!!!!!!!
#literally am getting driven out of my fucking mind like one of these days I’m gonna snap and throw myself in front of a moving vehicle#I can’t even exist without getting screamed at and punished and tortured#and my mom acts bewildered when I say she’s making me want to get away as soon as possible so I can never have to see her again!!#like ma’am my life is a living fucking hell#and you don’t listen to me ever when I beg you to show me an ounce of compassion#and any time I get upset about anything you say I’m being manipulative and call me your abuser 💀
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Weird thought but don't you find it cool and oddly fitting that Susan is gifted a horn. The whole point of it is that once you use it then help will always come to her. It's oddly fitting and quite foreshadowing as well, knowing that she's the one who strays from the path of Narnia. But also it's a bittersweet and hopeful thought because she should be willing to receive help. She can never come back to Narnia until she resolves her feelings about it within herself. And once she has that peace in herself, she can then seek out Narnia. Like an old verse: seek and you will find, I think that the horn operates on that level too: help will come to her, they will find her, so long as she is willing to call out and receive that help.
#thoughts#argeraint#books#narnia#c.s. lewis#cs lewis#susan#the chronicles of narnia#susan pevensie#queen susan the gentle#like just a thought because she got two gifts from father christmas#makes me think whether father christmas knew of her future too#also i can go on about she's an allegory for the lost sheep that will soon be brought back to the flock#and her story feels like how we shouldn't force our religion on people because they will only flee from it more#like we can talk about it too them but we shouldn't force them to join it#since religion also consists of willingness to be in it and put a certain amount of commitment to it as well#like we can never do that commitment unless we also accept that religion as an aspect of ourselves#susan doesn't accept Narnia as an aspect of herself anymore so she is moving away from the commitment of it so yeah#just a thought#i used religion generally because i know that fans of this series isn't just monotheistic or you know purely christian#also this is coming from me a catholic who literally has little to no idea about the practices of my own religion#mostly because i went to a christian school and they had some biases towards catholicism#also this is coming from someone who didn't set foot in a church for a year when my dad died because i broke down in every mass i attended#and i didn't want to keep crying every single time i was in church so there' that to think about lol#i said too much hahaha#sorry#anyway#just thoughts
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I hate driving I hate driving I hate driving I hate driving I hate driving I hate driving I hate driving I hate driving I hate driving I hate driving I ha
#just blahs#i hate .#agony and suffering .#who the fuck decided that we get 1(one) train station that is maybe a reasonable distance away *if you drive to it*#the nearest train station to my house is a 15-20 minute drive away#and either way at that point id have better luck just walking wherever im trying to go and hope a cop doesn't see me jaywalking#bcs there are no fucking sidewalks#im moving away as soon as possible *mostly* bcs i want to be able to actually use public transportation#i hate driving so much#im less anxious than i was when i first started driving but that bar is at least 4 feet under ground .#i hate it#gonna start dating just so i can have someone drive me places smh#how am i supposed to be a little passenger princess if i dont have anyone I can be a passenger to#i have places to be
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having a moment about my gender rn and i'm just like ugggggh @ my brain do we have to. like can we just not
#i need to go to bed soon bc i have a 10am class tomorrow but shoutout to the identity crisis i've been having since at least feb 6th#idk if identity crisis is even the right word. bc like one thing about me is that i have a very solid sense of self#like i know who i am and what i want and how i move through the world and what it feels like to be me#but in terms of how i label and explain that to others? that's where the identity crisis comes in#but no one else gets to experience me in first person POV so the descriptors i use and they ways i present myself are reality to them#and tbh? as i think about how some of the descriptors i use for myself don't accurately describe me some people are getting mad???#which is so fucking bizarre bc like. what the fuck it's my gender why are YOU being offended???#but it's also making me low key be like ''wait am i a bad person now????''#even tho i don't believe morality works like that. idk it's just been an exhausting month and a half#if anyone wants to hear more in depth thoughts on all this i would love to vent about it#(but not rn bc i will be going to bed as soon as i get this all out)#but like what i will say now is even tho this past month and a half has been ROUGH (for several reasons especially gender)#and people might expect that me spending so much time with scott in february made it more exhausting#which is understandable we love scott but touring in general is tiring and also i am the most opinionated person i've ever met but so is he#and also like. if you've heard scott talk about gender it's very obvious we disagree on a lot of things and he doesn't shy away from that#but the thing is. i'd actually say spending so much time with scott (even when we talk about gender. even when we *argue* about gender)#was actually such a good thing for me throughout all of this bc even when we disagree on semantics of labels#scott actually sees me beyond that rather than reducing my identity to what i call myself#which is how a lot of well-meaning allys tend to treat me. like i'm just one thing.#so when i'm with scott i never really have to think about my gender#bc he doesn't treat me like i'm (insert whatever gender people treat me like). he just treats me like i'm jessamine#and i'm tired of having to explain myself into smaller pieces so people can pretend to get it#but i feel like there's no way not to do that in our society rn especially at my ''progressive'' liberal arts college
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🍪🥛
#out of sight out of mind....#im not gonna check his blogs every day from here on out#and i hid/archived our chat so i dont have to see it when i open the messaging app#i do have some kind of 'fomo' lol bc i dont wanna miss out on any potential glimpse into his mind or days#esp now when he doesnt tell me anything anymore. idk anything abt what goes on with him#but .. i am allowing and letting him control my life#i obsessively check my phone and refresh his blogs ALL day#it's extremely unhealthy and pathetic and i know this#it's just hard to stop bc i genuinely... love him sm#plus he told me he wanted me for real so he made me not only dream of a life i thought wasnt possible for me#but also WANT it. i only want him and to live with him and be his. that's all i want but he just cut me off out of nowhere lol#and im still hung up on it... i dont want my boring reality. current nor future. i just want the reality where im with him which he made me#think was smth i could have one day soon.#but anyway. if his feelings changed that's how it is. it's not even his fault it's just how things work in life#even if i dont want to accept it i have to. i cant keep living in this limbo. i try to talk to him but he's a wall so that's a No.#so i cant let him control my life and waste away all my days on him#i need to stop checking his blogs and our chat. that's the first step#im still gonna allow myself to think of him and daydream and fantasize. but that will have to stop soon too#then i have to focus on doing my assignments and read books and go to the gym#things that will help me get realistically where i want in my current reality#i want to finish highschool and then apply for a preschool or library program#and hopefully the plan is to get a student housing apartment so i can move out finally and live on my own and study#then when i finish i'll look for a job as either of those things. and a place to live (which is super fkn hard in these modern chaos times)#even if i have to live my life all alone... i want to be as comfortable as i can at least#i can live in my own row house and have pets and work and read and play games and watch shows#and see and talk to my mom#i mean hopefullyyyy i'll be able to try to make at least some shallow connections so i have ppl to hang out with#i can always hope to meet someone who'll fall in love with me but im not counting on it#ugh.. bc as it is now#i dont do ANYTHING but be on my phone
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usually i don’t trust a link to tell me how to do anything unless it’s a very literal skill but there are so many links for “how to make a new place feel like home” that one of them has to work
#i’ve moved into my dorm before but i knew i’d be moving out#this is a more complete chance#and apparently I’ve been hit with all the emotions about it at this present moment#well. i’m sure not all. but. a lot of them#and i’ve been distant with my friends lately because. not dealing with things well and not wanting to drag them down with me#but. something something pushing people away isn’t coping and can make things worse in the long run#anyway. my family wants me to watch Ted lasso. I will probably say I’m going to bed soon because I need to cry#not. in a bad way really. there are just too many emotions way too fast#vent tw
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Goodness I did not appreciate the former management at my apartment complex. The manager and nearly all the staff left and now we have people who aren't taking care and aren't being kind. I have lived here for years. My partner and I pay nearly $2000 USD a month to live here. It's our home. It's literally management's job to help care for our home.
Post brought to you by the memo of pending eviction notice we got because the apartment complex's system cancelled our rent auto pay. Previously, management worked hard with reminders and emails and calls to make sure no one in the complex got a late fee, let alone to this stage. When my partner went to talk to management, there was no compassion, simply, and I quote 'It's the law." And "I didn't know our system worked that way." (ITS LITERALLY YOUR JOB TO KNOW! THATS WHAT WE ARE PAYING YOU TO KNOW.) He was still courteous and even toned in his speech. I had to walk away because I was livid.
#while this all happened the manager didn't try to help the assistant manager at all#instead she let her grandkids say hi to my dog without my knowledge#i was standing by the doorway to the assistant managers office and the kids were behind me#im very fortunate that my dog is veru well behaved and good with kids#still hes a big dog and if he turns around quickly or wags his tail hard. he can hurt someone.#ive had parents get upset with me because my dog did a dog thing (wag his tail which is unfortunately at small kid face height) and#their kid got startled or hit (by said tail)#they didn't ask if they could pet the dog. they just went for it#ive never met these kids before. we are strangers.#even after I tried to reposition my dog away from the kids. the kids kept coming back up and I didn't have the bandwidth to parent them#my partner knows im ready to move out. moving sucks but i don't care. this management has rubbed me the wrong way too many times#we are house hunting so we will hopefully be out soon and it wouldn't be ideal to split our attention with moving temporarily#i still want to get away from these shitheads#e is for echo#rant
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You ever wonder how short human lives are? They have the average life span of maybe a pet to most elves, won't they? Or even less. Looking back, isn't it hard to imagine how hard it must be to move on from someone who only lives for a sliver of your own lifespan?
😋 anon
😋 if this is your attempt to making Elf!Haitham the theme of the blog I ain't doing it HAHAHAHAHAHA
#if you want MY serious answer- then of course.#I've always known how short people's lives are- and for a long time- I was unaffected when loved ones die. There was an “eeasy#step by step process for me before. I was and kind of still am welcoming of death.#and when that one person I cared for was ill- I was also quick to acknowledge that it's probably their time#throughout their last remaining days I just waited that maybe when it happens- they can stopped being tubed-#stop suffering.#When my grandfather passed away- I was more grimly reminded that life is truly short#but instead of that quiet “I told you so. I knew he would pass soon.”— what I felt was pure anguish#To pat your grandfather's head one last time- devoid of life as he laid still#That midnight remains clear as day to me. Life is short. I knew that since the beginning.#I didn't shed as much tears as I had when a friend my age had passed on— because I was comforted with the thought that#they had passed months before the pandemic began— and Covid was seemingly a more painful fate#So yes.#I know how hard it is like to move on from someone who does not share your life span. Who had lived longer than you have and will leave#faster than you— despite your neverending comments about ending it all once you've finished your tertiary education#that you spout since childhood.#So. Well. Yeah!!! I know what it's like HAHAHAH. it's S H I T.
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