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maximelebled · 3 years

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2019 & 2020

Hello everyone! So yeah, this yearly blog post is about three... four months late... it covers two years now.

I did have a lot of things written last year, last time, but the more things have changed, the more I’ve realized that a lot of things I talked about on here... were because I lacked enough of a social life to want to open up on here.

In a less awkwardly-phrased way, what I’m saying is, I was coping.

Not an easy thing to admit to in public by any means, but I reckon it’s the truth. Over the past two years, I’ve made more of an effort to build better & healthier friendships, dial back my social media usage a bit (number 1 coping strategy), not tie all my friendships to games I play, especially Dota (number 2 coping strategy), so that I could be more emotionally healthy overall.

Pictured: me looking a whole lot like @dril on the outside, although not so much on the inside. (Photo by my lovely partner.)

To some degree, I believe it’s important to be able to talk about yourself a bit more openly in a way that is generally not encouraged nor made easy on other social networks (looking at you, Twitter). I know that 2010-me would be scared to approach 2020-me; and it’s my hope that what I am writing here would not help him with that, but also help him become less of an insecure dweeb faster. 😉

Not that recent accomplishments have stopped me from being any less professionally anxious. Sometimes the impostor syndrome just morphs into... something else.

Anyway, what I’m getting at is, the first reason it took me until this year to finish last year’s post is because, with my shift in perspective, and these realizations about myself, I do want to keep a lot more things private... or rather, it’s that I don’t feel the need to share them anymore? And that made figuring out what to write a fair bit harder.

The other reason I didn’t write sooner is because, in 2018, I wrote my "year in review” post right before I became able to talk about my then-latest cool thing (my work on Valve’s 2018 True Sight documentary). So I then knew I’d have to bring it up in the 2019 post. But then, I was asked to work on the 2019 True Sight documentary, and I know it was going to air in late January 2020, so I was like, “okay, well, whatever, it, I’ll just write this yearly recap after that, so I don’t miss the coach this time”. So I just ended up delaying it again until I was like... “okay, whatever, I’ll just do both 2019 and 2020 in a single post.”

I think I can say I’ve had the privilege of a pretty good 2019, all things considered. And also of a decent 2020, given the circumstances. Overall, 2019 was a year of professional fulfillment; here’s a photo taken of me while I was managing the augmented reality system at The International 2019! (The $35 million dollar Dota 2 tournament that was held, this that year, in Shanghai.)

If I’d shown this to myself 10 years ago it would’ve blown my mind, so I guess things aren’t all that bad...!

I’ve brought up two health topics in these posts before: weight & sleep.

As for the first, the situation is still stable. If it is improving, it is doing so at a snail’s pace. But quite frankly, I haven’t put in enough effort into it overall. Even though I know my diet is way better than it was five or six years ago, I’ve only just really caught up with the “how it should have been the entire time” stage. It is a milestone... but not necessarily an impressive one. Learning to cook better things for myself has been very rewarding and fulfilling, though. It’s definitely what I’d recommend if you need to find a place to start.

As for sleep, throughout 2019, I continued living 25-hour days for the most part. There were a few weeks during which I slowed down the process, but it continued on going. Then, in late December of 2019, motivated by the knowledge that sleep is such a foundational pillar of your health, I figured I really needed to take things seriously, and I managed to go on a three month streak of mostly-stable sleep! (See the data above.)

Part of what helped was willingly stopping to use my desktop computer once it got too late in the day, avoiding Dota at the end of the day as much as possible, and anything exciting for that matter... and, as much as that sounds like the worst possible stereotype, trying to “listen to my body” and recognizing when I was letting stress and anxiety build up inside me, and taking a break or trying to relax.

Also, a pill of melatonin before going to bed; but even though it’s allegedly not a problem to take melatonin, I figured I should try to rely on it as little as possible.

Unfortunately, that “good sleep” streak was abruptly stopped by a flu-like illness... it might have been Covid-19. The symptoms somewhat matched up, but I was lucky: they were very mild. I fully recovered in just over a week. I coughed a bit, but not that much. If it really was that disease, then I got very lucky.

(Pictured: another photo by my lovely SO, somewhere in Auvergne.)

My sleep continued to drift back to its 25-hour rhythm, and I only started resuming these efforts towards the fall... mostly because living during the night felt like a better option with the summer heat (no AC here). I thought about doing that the other way (getting up at 3am instead of going to bed at 7am), and while it’d make more sense temperature-wise, that would have kept me awake when there were practically no people online, and I was trying to have a better social life then, even if had to be purely online due to the coronavirus, so... yeah.

I’ve been working from home since 2012! I also lived alone for a number of years since then. For the most part, it hasn’t been a great thing for my mental health. Having had a taste of what being in an office was like thanks to a couple weeks in the Valve offices, I had the goal of beginning to apply at a few places here and there in March/April. Then the pandemic hit, so those plans are dead in the water. I wanted 2020 to be the year in which I’d finally stop being fully remote, but those plans are now dead in the water.

Now, at the end of the year, I don’t really know if I want to apply at any places. There’s a small handful of studios whose work really resonates with me, creatively speaking, and whose working conditions seem to be alright, at least from what I hear... but, and I swear I’m saying this in the least braggy way possible... there’s very little that beats having been able to work on what I want, when I want, and how much I want.

This kind of freelance status can be pretty terrifying sometimes, but I’ve managed (with some luck, of course) to reach a safe balance, a point at which I’ve effectively got this luxury of being able to only really work on what I want, and never truly overwork myself (at least by the standards of most of the gaming industry). It’s a big privilege and I feel like it’d take a lot to give it up.

Besides the things I mentioned before, one thing I did that drastically improved my mental health was being introduced to a new lovely group of friends by my partner! I started playing Dungeons & Dragons with them, every weekend or so! And in the spirit of a rising tide lifting all boats, I managed to also give back to our lovely DM, by being a sort of “AM” (audio manager)... It’s been great having something to look forward to every week.

Something to look forward to... I’ve heard about the concept of “temporal anchors”. I had heard about how the reason our adult years suddenly pass by in a blur is because we now have more “time” that’s already in our brains, but now I’m more convinced that it’s because we’re going from a very school routine such as the one schools impose upon us, to, well... practically nothing.

I thought most of my years since 2011 have been a blur, but none have whooshed by like 2020 has, and I reckon part of that is because I’ve (obviously) gone out far far less, and most importantly there wasn’t The Big Summer Event That The International Is, the biggest yearly “temporal anchor” at my disposal. The anticipation and release of those energies made summer feel a fair bit longer... and this year, summer was very much a blur for me. In and out like the wind.

I guess besides that, I haven’t really had that much trouble with being locked down. I had years of training for that, after all. Doesn’t feel like I can complain. 😛

(Pictured: trip to Chicago in January of 2019... right when the polar vortex hit!)

Work was good in 2019, and sparser in 2020. Working with Valve again after the 2018 True Sight was a very exciting opportunity. At the time, in February of 2019, I was out with my partner on little holiday trips around my region, and, after night fell, on the way back, we decided to stop in a wide open field, on a tiny countryside path, away from the cities, to try and do some star-gazing, without light pollution getting in the way.

And it’s there and then that I received their message, while looking at the stars with my SO! The timing and location turned that into a very vivid memory...

I then got to spend a couple weeks in their offices in late April / early May. I was able to bring my partner along with me to Washington State, and we did some sightseeing on the weekends.

(Pictured: part of a weekend trip in Washington. This was a dried up lakebed.)

After that, I worked on the Void Spirit trailer in the lead to The International. In August, those couple weeks in Shanghai were intense. Having peeked behind the curtain and seen everything that goes into production really does give me a much deeper appreciation for all the work that goes unseen.

Then after that, in late 2019, there was my work on the yearly True Sight documentary, for the second time. In 2018, I’d been tasked with making just two animated sequences, and I was very nervous since that was my first time working directly with Valve; my work then was fairly “sober”, for lack of a better term.

(Pictured: view from my hotel room in Shanghai.)

For the 2019 edition, I had double the amount of sequences on my plate, and they were very trusting of me, which was very reassuring. I got to be more technically ambitious, I let my style shine through (you know... if it’s got all these gratuitous light beams, etc.), and it was real fun to work on.

At the premiere in Berlin, I was sitting in the middle of the room (in fact, you could spot me in the pre-show broadcast behind SirActionSlacks; unfortunately I had forgotten to bring textures for my shirt). Being in that spot when my shots started playing, and hearing people laughing and cheering at them... that’s an unforgettable memory. The last time I had experienced something like that was having my first Dota short film played at KeyArena in 2015, the laughter of the crowd echoing all around me... I was shaking in my seat. Just remembering it gets my heart pumping, man. It’s a really unique feeling.

So I’m pretty happy with how that work came out. I came out of it having learned quite a few new tricks too, born out of necessity from my technical ambitions. Stuff I intend to put to use again. I’m really glad that the team I worked with at Valve was so kind and great to work with. After the premiere, I received a few more compliments from them... and I did reply, “careful! You might give me enough confidence to apply!”, to which one of them replied, “you totally should, man.” But I still haven’t because I’m a massive idiot, haha. Well, I still haven’t because I don’t think I’m well-rounded enough yet. And also because, like I alluded to before, I think I’m in a pretty good situation as it is.

It’s not the first encouragements I had received from them, too; there had been a couple people from the Dota team who, at the end of my two week stay in the offices, while I was on my way out, told me I should try applying. But again, I didn’t apply because I’m a massive idiot.

(Pictured: view from the Valve offices.)

To be 200% frank, even though there’s been quite a few people who’ve followed my work throughout the years, comments on Reddit and YouTube, etc. who’ve all said things along the lines of “why aren’t you working for them ?”, well... it’s not something I ever really pursued. I know it’s a lot of people’s dream job, but I never saw it that way. I feel like, if it ever happened to me... sure, that could be cool! But I don’t know if it’s something I really want, or even that I should want?

And if you add “being unsure” to what I consider to be a lack of experience in certain things, well... I really don’t think I’d be a good candidate (yet?), and having seen how busy these people are on the inside, the last thing I want to do is waste their time with a bad application. That would be the most basic form of courtesy I can show to them.

Besides, Covid-19 makes applying to just about any job very hard, if not outright impossible right now. And for a while longer, I suspect.

(Pictured: the Tuilière & Sanadoire rocks.)

I’m still unhappy about the amount of “actual animation” I get to do overall since I like to work on just about every step of the process in my videos, but well. It’s getting better. One thing I am happy with though, is “solving problems”. And new challenges. Seeking the answers to them, and making myself be able to see those problems, alongside entire projects, from a more “holistic” way, that is to say, not missing the forest for the trees.

It’s hard to explain, and even just the use of the term “holistic” sounds like some kind of pompous cop-out... but looking back on how I handled projects 5 years ago vs. now, I see the differences in how I think about problems a lot. And to some extent I do have my time on Valve contracts to thank a LOT in helping me progress there.

Anyway, I’m currently working on a project that I’m very interested & creativefuly fulfilled by. But it has nothing to do with animation nor Dota, for a change! There are definitely at least two other Dota short films I want to make, though. We’ll see how that goes.

Happy new year & take care y’all.

#year in review

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josieswrk · 4 years

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Unashamed (Naked)

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It started with a prayer request. My friend asked me over the weekend to send her my prayer requests because she was going to early morning prayer / sebyuk gido for three days. “But think about it,” she said. “Take your time and write them to me.”

I did take my time to think about them. Some of the prayer requests were obvious - the things that worry me on most days: my job search, my upcoming licensing exam, and something else that’s private. But when I took the time and space to listen, almost as if I was praying for what I want to ask prayer for, there was another request that surfaced from the depths of my heart:

“I want to be the version of Josie that exists when it’s just Josie & God,” I wrote to her. “And I need God’s help to find that version again.”

You’ve seen me write about it so many times on this blog. On most days, I felt lost and in the eye of a confusing storm. Time with people, whether virtually or in the flesh, was both encouraging and complicated. Every time I shared about my life and someone suggested the slightest “should,” I would feel guilty and confused, especially when the “should”s were in conflict with each other. Without an anchor for my identity, I found myself reverting to my old habits of adjusting my personality to please or mirror the person in front of me. When I lose my grip on who God created me to be, I become a disembodied spirit, frightened of the void and hungering for a model to morph into.

You may see me stressing out so much about my identity and think “Wow, that’s quite the self-centered project.” But I disagree. To me, being who God created me to be is exactly how I glorify Him and live out my calling on this earth. It is how I know that I am not making myself in the image of other idols (other people, the dominant culture, whatever identity/personality that will get me worldly rewards or the love of people). I believe that God is an exquisitely intentional God, who made all of us distinct with a purpose. It deeply excites me when a group of believers, rather than morphing into the same basic Christian template, boldly bring their unique personalities and gifts and work together for His Kingdom purposes. It’s a similar excitement to the moment you see an ensemble of distinct and often conflicting personalities in action movies or shonen manga/anime unite together to defeat an impossible enemy. SASAGEYO!!

This is why it bothers me on a spiritual level when I feel out of touch with myself. It is a sign to me that I am hoping for something else to give me the love that I yearn for. It is a sign to me that, rather than living in the love of God, which frees me and empowers me to be who God created me to be, I am living under the fear of man. It is a sign to me, that, rather than charging forward in boldness for His kingdom, I am tied up by the snares of the enemy.

I sent my friend this prayer request (thank you, by the way for your labor in prayer!) and began praying into this myself. I think it helped that I am catsitting/housesitting somewhere else for the week. Though it was exhausting to live out of two apartments and bring things back and forth constantly from one place to another, it felt like a mini retreat. A different environment away from my usual distractions and fertile ground for the renewing of my mind.

I wanted to end the cycle of being the Josie that other people want me to be, and even the Josie that I am trying to find through my own fevered analysis of my life. I wanted to be the Josie that God *c r e a t e d* me to be. I wanted to be the Josie that He had in mind when He knit me in my mother’s womb. The Josie that He would delight in. I want that so much - for Him to be delighted. To be pleased. I want to make His heart fill with joy because I am living out the life that He intended - not the life that anyone else on earth wants for me.

***

After studying all day for the licensing exam, I made a trip back to my apartment to move some furniture for the contractors tomorrow. I took the opportunity to restock on food supplies and take a shower in my own bathroom. It was while I was taking a shower that the feeling hit me. “This is it!” I wanted to squeal. “This is the most divine version of myself!” If the past couple of months felt like a roulette of personalities, I felt like I had suddenly chanced upon the right one. The jackpot. And I desperately wanted to write the feeling down, right then and there, because I didn’t know when the roulette would start and the feeling would disappear again. (In reality, what ended up happening was I jotted some notes down as soon as I got out of the shower, but had to walk all the way back to the cat apartment, fed the cats, make some dinner, and then eat dinner before I had the chance to actually sit down and write this post).

I still can’t quite describe what it felt like. The first word that came to mind was creative. The therapist part of me cried, “Hey, that’s not a feeling word!” But I don’t know how else to describe it right now - I know I’m the best version of myself when I feel deeply creative. It’s a different experience from the creativity that comes from a brainstorm (the creativity of a million different ideas exploding in connected branches and fracturing in a million different directions). It’s the opposite of the feeling I get when I write most of the time (accompanied by the voice that says “NO! NO! THIS IS TRASH!” or “YOU’RE A BAD PERSON”). It’s also an experience that’s distinct from the moments I’m home alone in my thoughts, wandering through the mists in a restful state. I think... the feeling I’m trying to describe is the opposite of shame. It’s funnily appropriate that I had the feeling when I was in the shower because we describe our perfect relationship with God and one another before the Fall in terms of nakedness. But I think that’s how I felt, even when I was fully clothed and walking down Locust St. back to my friend’s apartment. I felt so exquisitely connected to everything: the twilight sky, the people I passed on the street, my own thoughts and ideas, the people who genuinely love me, to God... The veil of shame between me and everything around me had been lifted, and I didn’t realize there was always something mitigating my interactions with the world until it was gone. I didn’t realize I was feeling the world through cloth until it was gone and I felt it on plain, bare skin.

***

In this time of reconnection with myself, I also reconnected with the characters of my fantasy world, the world of the novel which will never be written. One of the characters is a traveling swordswoman with a “curse” - every cut she inflicts on her enemy cuts into her own flesh. She is able to mitigate the effects of the “curse” with a magic charm that reduces the ratio of harm, however. For example, if she severs the limb of her opponent, it will appear on her body as just a scratch where the cut was made, instead of her own limb falling off. Even so, this makes her economical with her strikes and she deals killing blows very sparingly. (And what happens if she needs to user her sword against an enemy but loses the magic charm? Dun dun dun...)

She came into my mind one day when I was thinking about empathy. Empathy, which I would loosely define as the ability to understand the feelings of experiences of another, comes in so many different forms. I have a lot of empathetic friends and they are all so different. I have friends whose empathy always results in action - they feel for me and get me a cup of tea as I’m crying about my dog dying; they feel for me and help me come up with a concrete plan as I’m a mess. I have friends whose empathy results in exactly the right encouragements I need to hear, almost as if God Himself was speaking to me - they rebuke lies and affirm truths that I cannot comprehend myself when I’m in the weeds. I even have friends whose empathy is not so feeling based but based in cognition and observation. They might not feel me, but in their own way, they understand, and honestly sometimes it’s really comforting to not have my feelings be amplified and felt by another but just thought about and responded to.

My kind of empathy is absorption. My previous clinical supervisor said “You’re like a sponge.” Many times, I won’t know what to do, or even what to say (and many times I am envious of those who are able to mobilize into action). But if I am listening to you, I am not only processing the information you’re saying - I’m experiencing you. That is how I thought of this idea of a character hurting herself when she hurts other people... Even if they are her “enemy.” And how, in certain cases, she must grit her teeth and do it anyway, even though she knows so acutely that it is causing someone else pain. (I also wondered how it would affect her mental health to have to do this over and over... Hurt people and feel exactly or a small fraction of the pain you are causing them. Would you truly be able to numb yourself the way that other killers would?)

Empathy can lead to deeper connection, but it can also lead to pain - whether it’s by feeling the pain of another or being taken advantage of. There are times when people love the way you make them feel more than they love you (and treat you like trash when you stop making them feel good). I’ve learned that this will happen sometimes. But when I get lost, and when I forget, I only need to run back to God, who loves me not because of what I can do for him (what a laughable thought), but because of who He redeemed me to be. If anything, God knows the pain of empathy - He became a human and suffered the consequences for our sin so that we could be in unashamed (& naked) communion with him again.

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psychotherapyconsultants · 5 years

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7 Women Who Inspire Me

Proverbs 13:20 says, “Walk with the wise and become wise; associate with fools and get in trouble.” In other words, hang with the winners. A few months ago, my therapist gave me the assignment to think about the wise women in my life, warriors who had persevered through difficulties in their lives to emerge as stronger figures, examples of resilience who could serve as my teachers. I went even further and interviewed each one, asking them about the force or philosophy behind their strength.

The following women have survived illness, divorce, deaths, lay-offs, but pressed on with a tenacity that inspires me. They are world travelers, executives, communication professionals, caregivers, and master healers who have made the world a better place.

1. Rose Pike

Angel Rose holds a special place in my heart because she has showered me with kindness at difficult crossroads in my life. She was my editor at a health website three years ago when I experienced a severe depressive episode. Instead of berating me for my slower writing pace at that time, she sent me flowers and cut my workload in half. Kindness is synonymous with Rose. Her imprint of compassion is evident in every feature she publishes for the different websites she has worked for. As a writer, I am inspired by her unwavering dedication to disseminate stories of hope for persons faced with chronic conditions.

An adventurous spirit, Rose told me one of her biggest obstacles was breaking free from the routine and comfortable life of her family life growing up. Although difficult, she moved away from her hometown in order to find a new life of her own. “That distance helped me become my own person,” she said. The support of her daughter and daughter-in-law and her friends helps sustain her today.

Her advice to young women is to persist and to not resist change because things are always changing. To that end, her favorite quote is the chorus of Bob Dylan’s song, “Things Have Changed,” which says, “People are crazy and times are strange, I’m locked in tight, I’m out of range, I used to care, but things have changed.”

2. Carolyn Casey

Carolyn was seven when her mother committed suicide. Her father abandoned his children and left town. The bottom fell out of her world. She and her 2-year-old sister and 4-year-old brother lived with their grandparents, and Carolyn became the caretaker for her younger siblings.

Some years later, her father married a woman who despised Carolyn and was abusive to her. Her stepmother would lock herself in her room reading and separated herself from her children, which numbered seven at that time. Carolyn turned to a higher power and prayed for strength and courage. In her darkest moments, she knew from deep within herself that there was something greater than herself.

At age 40, Carolyn found herself divorced with three children. She now understood the pain her mother felt and why she wanted to end her life. She turned the struggles of her past into strength and courage, and a desire to help lift up others from their suffering and facilitate healing. She could have given up and become an embittered person, but through the grace of a higher power she continues her journey in gratitude and knows for certain that there is something greater than ourselves that loves us even when we don’t. A feisty, single woman who devotes her time to causes, her children, grandchildren, and friends, she inspires me with her tireless energy toward service to others. Carolyn’s favorite quote is Soren Kierkegaard’s observation: “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”

3. Eileen Bailey

I consider Eileen the female Job; however, she never whined to God. She simply took the next step to make her life better. Eileen endured the most difficult loss when she lost her son two years ago. Proactive in her grief and with everything in her life, she turned her pain into love and created scrapbooks of her son’s life for her grandson and formed a tighter bond with him.

I asked her how she was able to persevere through such a tragedy and keep a positive attitude. “Just do it,” she said, “like the Nike ad. Break your day down and do the thing in front of you.” She stays busy as a regular contributor to HealthCentral in addition to a day job.

Laughter and friends also keep her sane. After her second divorce, when her daughter moved away to school, she found herself lonely. She looked up a group on Meetup for women over 50, but they didn’t have many activities, so she created her own group. They met for breakfast six years ago and are still friends today.

Eileen’s favorite quotes are:

“We never truly get over a loss, but we can move forward and evolve from it.” – Elizabeth Berrien

“The journey never ends…”

“If you want to have a friend, you first need to be a friend,” one that her mother told her often and what drove her to create the Meetup group.

4. Lisa Hillman

Lisa never meant to become a poster child for parents coping with a child’s drug problem. She was an accomplished health care administrator, a fundraising executive married to former Annapolis Mayor Richard Hillman, and a mother of two.

Few people knew about the nightmare that was unfolding at home starting with a phone call from her son’s high school teacher the start of his senior year, alerting her to his possible marijuana use. Jacob’s addiction unraveled from there, resulting in a dependence on opiates that threw his life into reverse. Jacob’s story has a happy ending. He eventually got sober and stayed sober after visiting a few inpatient treatment centers.

Lisa chronicles the journey to hell and back in a riveting, poignant book called Secret No More: A True Story of Hope for Parents With an Addicted Child. But even more inspiring than her pages is the woman who wrote it. Her life, as well as her words, speak of the journey of shedding shame and guilt to make room for a bolder kind of love. In her blog, she shares powerful anecdotes on how to lower expectations, walk through fear, ask for support, let go of control, and hang on to hope. Whenever I experience bouts of insecurity about sharing my story, I call up Lisa for a much-needed reminder to be authentic.

Lisa has several favorite quotes:

“Take care of the little things and the big things will take care of themselves.” – from her father

“You are stronger than you know.” – from her mother

“One day at a time.”

“You can glance back at your past, just don’t stare.”

“We are here on earth to serve others. What the others are here for, I don’t know.” – W.H. Auden

5. Jen Brining

Jen is the lay Mother Teresa, traveling the world and giving back in her unique way. She divides her time between her son’s house in New Jersey, helping with her new granddaughter, and leading Habitat for Humanity group trips in Asia, Africa, and Central America. These “volunteer vacations” entail more than erecting physical infrastructures, they build community. For Jen, there is nothing like the rewarding, emotional feeling she has every time she leaves a build.

“Although the initial intent is to help families by building a house, latrine, or a stove,” she explained to me, “we are immersed in their community, in their homes … in their lives. There is a unique bonding of friendships between fellow volunteers, the deserving homeowner, the local community, and international cultures.”

Jen’s hardest obstacle was losing a child, one of two twins at birth. She overcame it by being the best mother she could possibly be to her amazing two children. Her advice to young women? “Be yourself, follow your dreams, but take the opportunity to travel internationally as soon as you can. It will change your outlook on life.” Her favorite quote is “Not All Who Wander Are Lost,” often attributed to J.R.R. Tolkien.

6. Michelle Rapkin

Even as Michelle’s professional life blossomed early with several executive positions within the publishing field, her love life took a little longer. In her mid 40s, Michelle met and married the love of her life, Bob, and lived 10 years of happy ever after until he died from complications from gall bladder surgery. She took the tragedy in stride because she was well-trained in the school of hard knocks.

Just two years after marrying Bob, Michelle was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, which she eventually beat, achieving remission. One of Michelle’s best gems concerns the 14 days between her blood tests and a diagnosis. “Don’t waste 14 days,” became her motto, not just about that time of uncertainty but about life with cancer and anxiety and loss. She made a very deliberate intention to live life to the fullest.

Today Michelle’s cancer has returned, and she is in the midst of different treatments. Once again, she concentrates her efforts on moving forward and does not waste any time in regret. Michelle’s favorite quote is “This, too, shall pass.”

7. Mary Beth Beaudry

Strong women make remarkable mothers. Mary Beth’s absolute devotion to her two daughters immediately impressed me as well as her ambition to live a life well lived with a strong moral compass, characterized by integrity, respect, and service and love toward others. While her marriage of 20 years was collapsing to take better care of herself so that she could, in turn, take better care of her daughters, she was proactive in four ways: she relied upon her faith, embraced Transcendental Meditation, focused on her work as Research Nurse Manager and Program Administrator for the Mood Disorders Center at Johns Hopkins, and pursued her own growth gaining admittance to a top doctoral program. Her ambition is to be the greatest mother and role model for her daughters that she can be.

Mary Beth is a personal cheerleader to countless persons, including me, who battle mood disorders. She was the first one to send me an encouraging note after I published a very raw post about my suicidal ideations. Her compassion and optimism, combined with her skills as a communicator, spread hope to those who desperately need it and inspire those burdened by different conditions to take the next step toward wellness. Mary Beth shared she adopted Kesha’s “Praying” as her personal anthem during the most challenging time in her life: “I’m proud of who I am…. I can breathe again…. and now the best is yet to come.”

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-women-who-inspire-me/

#World of Psychology

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positivepsychologyinterventions · 5 years

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7 Women Who Inspire Me

1. Rose Pike

2. Carolyn Casey

3. Eileen Bailey

Eileen’s favorite quotes are:

“We never truly get over a loss, but we can move forward and evolve from it.” – Elizabeth Berrien

“The journey never ends…”

“If you want to have a friend, you first need to be a friend,” one that her mother told her often and what drove her to create the Meetup group.

4. Lisa Hillman

Lisa has several favorite quotes:

“Take care of the little things and the big things will take care of themselves.” – from her father

“You are stronger than you know.” – from her mother

“One day at a time.”

“You can glance back at your past, just don’t stare.”

“We are here on earth to serve others. What the others are here for, I don’t know.” – W.H. Auden

5. Jen Brining

6. Michelle Rapkin

7. Mary Beth Beaudry

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/2HMiaUi via IFTTT

#IFTTT #World of Psychology

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jonathandurke · 7 years

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Who We Were And Who We Are Now

My wife and I have been back home from our summer holiday for three weeks now and we’ve just managed to settle back into the routine of life. This year we went to France, in the Loire Valley, and we both came home to a new job for me and a promotion for her. We also came back home with a fair few bottles of wine and beer as we like to stock up for the year and it’s much cheaper over there! As well as all that I personally came back home to a renewed sense of my identity, who I used to be and who I am now. This is because I finished my reading through the letter to the Ephesians by the Apostle Paul. It was during our second week of holiday that chapter two really impacted my thinking and perspective towards myself. I felt prompted by the Holy Spirit to share the truth of this in a brief blog and I hope you reap some encouragement and gratitude from it because it truly is good news about who we used to be and what Christ has made us to be, our true identity. So, let’s start by a bit a reminiscing…

Who You Used To Be

Dead ‘And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked…’

You used to be as dead as a doornail. You weren’t just sick with sin, as though you were still able to get by in life but with a bit of a limp and a crutch. You were lying on the ground cold, hollow and dead to the World because of your sins against a holy God. You had no crutch because you had no life. Some people believe we’re just a bit unwell with sin but we can make up for it by being morally good and doing our best. Poppycock! You were dead and buried in your grave with a mountain of sin poured over your coffin to keep you there.

Disobedient ‘…following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience...’

Not only were we dead but we were disobedient. To whom? To God, to our father. As a son in his childishness can be defiant towards his dad at times, so we can be too. Yet it’s more than that, we were defiant to our heavenly father all the time. We didn’t have little tantrums of disobedience all the while learning to mature and grow up. Instead we were in a constant state of disobedience while we were influenced by sin and the Satanic. We don’t outgrow sin nor do we learn to be obedient while enjoying the pleasures of this fallen world. Every emotion that stemmed from a sinful root, every word that poured out from a poisonous source, every action taken from an evil desire and every attitude born from iniquity kept us in constant disobedience to God. We disobeyed God’s laws, disobeyed His Word and disobeyed His Spirit. We obeyed the World and the Devil rather than the Kingdom and Christ.

Desiring ‘…we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body…’

We desired anything and everything other than God. Like a wife married to her husband but who ends up desiring another and abandoning him, we too longed for others more than we longed for God. We also have desired others and abandoned our creator, our father, our lover. We had led ourselves astray to destructive pleasures, poisonous indulgences and the lonely company of ourselves. It’s good to desire but we desired that which ruined us, our sin. The venom that was so sweet to taste at first has flowed into our veins and corrupted our hearts to the things of God. Salary, career, title, sex, possessions, fashion, hobbies, friends, family, children, holidays, food, entertainment are not evil at all in and of themselves but our desire to make them our gods and worship them with all our hearts, minds, strength and soul is what’s evil. We desired idols, not so much from wood, metal or gold, nor in the images of cows or bulls. Rather, we worshiped what we emptied our wallet to, emptied our conversations to and emptied our thoughts. We were desirous of our own gods.

Who You Are Now

Alive ‘But God…made us alive together with Christ…’

So, we have reflected on who we used to be, how we were dead, disobedient, desiring and … Now let’s look at the truth of who we are. We are alive! We’re alive in Christ. As we’ve seen earlier, we were once dead in sin but now we’ve been brought to life by Jesus. We were dead to righteousness, holiness and godliness. We were dead to God. Now we are alive to righteousness, alive to holiness and alive to godliness. We’re alive to God because of the life-giving power of Jesus’ resurrection and the Holy Spirit who has given us a new birth. We are born again into Kingdom of God, born into a relationship with Christ. We now know the things of God, we feel His heartbeat, we know his mind’s thoughts and we know His Spirit’s desires. God’s royal and divine life-force flows through our veins. Just as Jesus rose from the grave to resurrection life so we have risen from the graves of our sins and entered into resurrection life. We are alive to the truths and vitality of God.

Saved ‘…by grace you have been saved…’

We have been saved. We’ve been saved by grace. We have salvation, we’ve been rescued from death, Hell, Satan and our own sinful nature. Despair, meaninglessness, loneliness, fear, damnation in the torments of Hades, eternal pain and suffering, everlasting tears and anguish are no longer our business, condition or future. God in Christ has swooped down His very hand and pulled us up and out of the mud and mire to safety and security. The Son of God, by His great grace, mercy and kindness, has saved us by condemning Himself. He’s rescued us by imprisoning Himself. Jesus took our penalty, took the just wrath of God as His own so we may go free. We are saved by Christ’s substitution in our place and swept into the Kingdom, our names in the Book of Life and written on the hands of God.

Raised ‘…and raised us up with him…’

We have been raised with Christ. Just as Christ rose from the dead three days after His death to resurrection life, we too have been raised with Him in our spirits. One day will be raised in our bodies to be with Him forever also. We live in the ‘now but not yet’ Kingdom which means in the spirit we are citizens in the Heavenly city and we are sat in our seats around the banquet of the Lamb. Yet, in our bodies we still wait to appear there in our entirety. We have been raised with Jesus in our souls and will be with Him properly at the Last Day.

Seated ‘…and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus…’

We have been seated with Christ. After having been raised up by Him and with Him we are now seated near Him, in the presence of God. Just as Jesus took His rightful seat at the right hand of the Father after His ascension, so we now take our rightful seats next to Christ as joint-heirs and sons of God in His Kingdom. We take our places at the banquet, reserved for us, and feast on God’s pure delights. Jesus took his place in His seat after His suffering, pain, tears and anguish, so we take our seats after we traverse the trials and tribulations of this life, victorious. As we sit and let out a sigh of relief and comfort, so much greater will we sigh in comfort and relief when we take our seat in Heaven. It’s a reality now but not fully realised yet.

Doer ‘For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works…’

Finally, and in conclusion, as a result of all these realities, our being alive, saved, raised and seated, we have become doers. We are the workmanship of God, all that has happened to us as mentioned above is a result of His handiwork. We now go about our daily lives putting in action the realities of our identity. We live lives that our alive, saved, raised and seated. We live our lives speaking life to others, rescuing those that are in need, lifting up the downcast and providing relief to the weary. We practice our faith, envelope our lives in our faith and die to our faith. Our hands and feet are the hands and feet of Christ.

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68127knz-blog · 7 years

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New

I'm new to this. I'm not so sure I am looking for followers or forwards. I am still in the wake of serious domestic violence. He is in jail. 210 days, already served 48 when sentenced in mid April. That is nearly 3x what the state suggest DV cases are sentenced... Second offense too. 93 days. That's all they believe is needed to reprimand an individual for being violent against another A SECOND TIME! I don't sleep at night. I have severe anxiety and paranoia. To concrete these, I get harassing messages from his 'brother' and see his mother snooping through my neighborhood. I'd like to, as so many victims do, not see my perpertrator as the guilty one. I'd like to blame his mother. She was an alcoholic. They have a title for people raised by alcoholic parents - Adult Children of Alcholics. Seemingly fitting title. He had all the features of an adult man, and they were truly smashing. The bluest eyes you could ever see. Brilliant smile. Pizzazz. Quite a one of kind person. But his adult words and adult actions were his own. His adult mother, whom has the maturity level of about a 14 year old, cannot be blamed, entirely. He didn't have to reflect her image though. His father was/is so much more of a human being. A great example of what he could've become, in his own ways, of course. But of course, all is his father's fault in life and his mother is innocent. I never bought in to that. Narcisstic sociopath. Narcisstic personality disorder. Surrogate spouse disorder. These are terms all people should be talked to about from about age 14 on. All people should be made aware of what these things are. Surrogate spousing is, in my belief, a large reason why there is such a high rate of divorce these days. It's rather sickening to see this constant broadcast that 'mommy knows you best and will love you most forever and ever'. I don't think so. Mommy is to raise you to be a good person, do the right things, respect and love women, just as Daddy does to her. But that's the missing link. Mommy really hates Daddy and vice versa so mommy surrogates son. Systematically manipulating her son, herself, her marriage and all of their lives proceeding. When you think of the reality you are creating, what makes your son actually fully devote himself to his wife if he has this constant brigade of manipulation? You get him for the first approximate 18 years... Out of what could be 100... Even if it's only 70... His wife will have an assured 50. In our world today, I'm going to guess you will be gone the last 20. WHY WOULD YOU WANT YOUR SON TO EVEN COMPARE, CONTRAST OR CONTEMPLATE REFLECTION BETWEEN YOURSELF AND HIS WIFE?! Why wouldn't you encourage him to see her side of things. Be objective for all women. Not just coddle 'your mama's boy'?! He isn't yours. He might be your son but he isn't your forever. These are all issues that demolished my life with what seemed to be my soulmate. So much of his wants, beliefs and desires reflected everything I wanted in my life. I thought I was crazy for having these thoughts and kept them to myself. Then I met him. He would tell me these wild ideas of living, how to get back to where we should be, how to be free. He was my dream come true. Such validation. So simplicitic. I felt like I'd won the jackpot. But a bitter, jealous, insecure, manipulative mother filtered her depraved thoughts and emotions into his blind eyes. Such a sick human to target her son, his beautiful future. He was on his way to have the life she only dreamed of... With a mate that cared for him more deeply than any mother can care for a son. I am everything. I am a great package. But I will not compete nor contend with a manipulative mother. I don't play games and I cross out all the bullshit women do. When I'm able to point out 'mommy dearest' playing her shit, I make it clear and I request boundaries be defined. In this sickening duo, of sorts, I was winning. He was going to follow the natural path of life and fly, far from her unkempt, haphazard nest. It had to be with a great deal of my terms and I wasn't budging. Then the guilt trip occurred. She'd already bailed on him his entire youth being drunk then completely vacated at age 12. Didn't even attempt to speak to him for a year. All her choice. A choice I later found out was made directly to his face. What anguish he must have felt... She created this entire (disgusting) surrogate lifestyle with him only to leave him with his father. Developing him to hate his father his entire life to being gone. Now, that plays a tricky part on the human mind. He never got over it. Things got worse after that. He lived a life you'd think only happened in Hollywood because it seemed so exaggerated to what normal was. But don't we all? And then we get over it and grow up... Regardless, as our future blossomed beautifully and I quickly showed I was everything he'd been searching for his entire life, his mother pushed and pushed. Striking the idea that I was trying to part them, not her parting us. She'd ask for money when we needed it. She'd ask for time and favors of him when I needed him. She'd persuade that since I'm so able, she's so eldered, he should be there with her helping, not me. As I began to notice the sway, I simply pointed it out. Of course I can manage with or without him but I didn't argue either. I simply made it clear if I was going to do on my own, I was going to do ON MY OWN. I know the abuse began long ago. But after I felt like I was stuck. Mental, emotional, sexual for a long time. It only became physical when I'd had enough and was going to leave. Very typical in these situations. I believed in him, his responses and reactions in the proceedings immediately after... He'd go through therapy. He'd get better. Etc etc etc. One cross meeting with his therapist and I found out he'd done nothing but lie to her. When I confronted him, he refused to go again. One year plus one month and I took the hardest hand smack to the chest, sending me flying down the stairs. As you can see I am long winded and bouncy with topic... So I'll detail both fights another sleepless night. I left. I've gone through proper avenues of justice. Though it lifts my spirits, I still am conflicted. I don't sleep very well. The only reason I think I eat is because I'm pregnant... Yes, another shocking avenue there. I have flashbacks nearly every conversation I have with anyone... Everything triggers a memory that leads to abuse... Everything with him was, in some form, abuse. I feel like I have no one to talk to and realistically I want to stop talking about it. But the thoughts keep me up at night. The memories. The future plans. What were missing out on. My children. Their thoughts. My drive. My desires to (re)create our future, without anyone else. I'm a strong person. Unless you've gone through this, you don't understand. It's not so easy to just pick up and move on. It feels like I'm chained at the ankles in a flood when it's still pouring rain. I've written this current blog for an hour. It's 1235a. I am tired but sleepless tired. Insomnia of sorts. I hope writing when my mind is like this helps. I try not to but I watch shows about domestic violence. My case fits some where in the 2/3rds... Maybe higher. There's surely been worse but mine was pretty bad overall. It's such a weird dynamic in humanity... Violence. People becoming violent. Ok, beginning to feel the sleep... Another night...

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