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alilaro · 11 months

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I have some Thoughts on Evangelion, and I'm hyperfixating right now, so here's a massive info-dump on it. Thank you and I'm sorry.

(trigger warnings for: child abuse, child death, gore mention, pedophilia, mental health, depression, suicide, and potentially more.)

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So, my take on the End Of Evangelion is like a 'Worst Timeline AU.' So what would've happened if Shinji had given into the crippling (justified) trauma and deepest depression of an abused, manipulated, and unfathomably damaged child soldier.

The way Misato constantly screams at him throughout the entire series to 'be a man' and pressures him to get into the EVA and fight literal biblical, kaiju-like angels.

The pressure of trying and failing to get a crumb of praise or approval from his neglectful and spiteful father.

The way people (and fans, tbh) get upset with him for constantly changing his mind. How if he doesn't pilot the EVA, either he or his friends could die. The pressure every adult puts on him. Or again, the absolute cosmic terror of just seeing—let alone having to murder these angels.

Of course, he quits all the time, he's 14. He's a child. An average adult with all the combat training in the world would easily do the same.

Yet he comes back again and again, because of the guilt, the self-loathing, the manipulation of the adults around him—

(who can have all the greatest intentions in the world, "the greater good", etc etc, and it doesn't change a goddamn thing that they are putting these children into death machines and treating it like if they dont do it they are selfish and worthless)

—that if he doesn't do it, his friends will do it and either they or others will die if it's not him.

Like, the point isn't that he can't make up his mind: it's the fact that even if he "gives up", he still keeps coming back, and putting himself before others, despite the grief, despite the pain, despite the trauma

A fourteen-year-old child refuses to stop getting up and trying. Which I feel is symbolic of the whole shows entire meaning, no matter how dark things are, how much you hurt, how much others hurt you, how you feel like nothing, and you want it all to just stop—the pain, the memories, the guilt, the crushing weight of complete utter depression—even as the darkest envelops you and holds you tight, you feel like you can never escape: there is ALWAYS a way out of it.

It's fucking hard, you will lose yourself in it, you will hurt so, so much—but eventually you can find your way out. Through time, through loved ones, through therapy, and more. It's never too late or someone is too far gone in their own despair that they can't be saved and brought back.

And that's not even mentioning the other children. Fans enjoy Asuka more than Shinji because she's got that quick, snappy, high-energy personality. She's overly proud and stubborn, and she loves to fight in her EVA. And Rei, she's the shy quiet girl (a Kuudere, even (didnt like writing that)) designed to be mysterious, and to speculate over. Who is she? Why is she so calm? Does she have a personality behind that demeanor?

But, just like Shinji, they are all child soldiers, and like him, they are products of trauma and manipulation by adults.

Rei, was made in a fool-hearted attempt to bring back Shinji's mother, Yui Ikari, by combining her remains with Lilith. What they got was Rei. An assimilation of Yui, Lilith, Eva, all combining into Rei Ayanami.

Her creators obviously had attachments to her, both having loved Yui before her death, and Gendo Ikari almost took her on as a daughter-like figure (Rei being the name he would've given to his child Shinji, if he had been born a girl,) and revoltingly even more than that.

But as the theme of the series goes, good intentions from adults mean very little, and often act as nothing more than an excuse for creating/doing inconceivably monstrous acts.

She is of course used as an EVA pilot, being able to manipulate her form into a 14-year-old. She is used as a tool. She is replaceable. She knows this. She has no desires because no one has ever cared enough about Rei as her own person to let her think for herself, asked her what she wants, her likes, her dreams, her fears.

Rei's entire existence at this point is to serve, and in an eerie way, the only thing she wants is to serve Gendo, because he's shown her the only breadcrumbs of "compassion" she's ever known.

And then Shinji comes along. Shinji has no idea what she is, only that she is another EVA pilot like himself. He speaks to her as he would anyone else. He cares about her, and her well-being as another person. Actual true compassion.

In episode 06, when Rei is hurt and thought to have died by Shinji, he pries open the hatch to her EVA, ignoring the scalding heat that burns his hands to do so. He finds her alive and cries, and she smiles for him.

This scene is an exact parallel that takes place before with Rei and Gendo (Shinji's father.) He pries open the hatch, scalding his hands too, and finds her alive inside. It's identical except for one thing: Compassion.

Shinji fights to free and help Rei, and when he sees her alive, he is overcome with relief that she, Rei, is alive. He is in tears, he tells her she isn't nothing, implying her life is worth something and people care about her.

When Gendo does it, he does it like a man trying to save a valuable asset. He sees she's okay, and mutters 'I see', and that's the end of it.

Again, in episode 23, when Rei actually dies and is replaced; she is confronted by herself (the Meta Rei, the Rei in her purest, most godly self. A combination of all her sense of beings,) and realizes that she is feeling, she is lonely, she is suffering, and for the first time she cries, and asks herself if this just for her love of Gendo, before sacrificing herself in death to save everyone—specifically shinji.

She is replaced by her many clones, but this time she regains some of her memories, her feelings, her anger, and she is more human now, less vessel, more soul. She is Rei.

In the End of Evangelion, we see the depths of Gendo's depravity. He wants his wife, Yui, back as she was, of course. But in the meanwhile, there's Rei. Rei who is part Yui—a substitute. He touches her breast, an attempt to merge with her, and moves his hand down further to rest between her hips, inside her.

Rei is as much his daughter figure and a child, as she is a part of his own wife, and arises from this: an Oedipus Complex. Gendo treats her as a disposable tool, yet holds Yui at his highest priority. She is his to do with as she likes. How many times has he used her like this? How many times has he committed these atrocities with this child behind closed doors?

Amongst everything else Rei is, she is also a victim of pedophilia.

And in her final moments, while he attempts to merge with Rei in a delusional attempt to bring back Yui, Rei becomes her own being. Rei puts her foot down and says no. She's had enough.

"I will not be a puppet for you to control."

She takes the hand of Adam, fully merges with Lilith, and becomes a God.

And what does she do with all that power? She takes it all, and gives it to Shinji. The one person that ever consistently showed her care and compassion, showed her love. Made her realize she is her own person, gives her the strength to realize her worth and refuse Gendo Ikari, and choose her own path.

Her choice can be argued as good or bad, both. But in the end it was REI's choice, and no one elses.

Asuka uses her anger and her fighting as a means to cope with a barbaric childhood. Her mother, Kyoko, underwent a Contact Experiment when Asuka would have been ~5 years old.

Kyoko survived, but lost her mind completely, thinking her real daughter was actually a doll, and leaving Asuka completely neglected by her mother, all whilst begging and trying to convince her that SHE was her real daughter, not some doll she clung to.

Meanwhile, her father was completely unaffected by this, and even had moved on with another woman (An affair that had been going on before Kyoko fell apart completely, the woman being Kyoto's doctor, that she knew about, and took place in their own home while both mother and daughter were present.) Throwing himself back into his own life with this new woman, and job, Asuka was left with nothing.

Asuka's mother finally snaps and plans her own suicide. She invites Asuka, and with nothing else and wanting nothing more than to be acknowledged by anyone, agrees to take their lives together.

As if all of this isn't bad enough, as a final blow, Asuka's mother takes her own life without Asuka, leaving a five-year-old CHILD to find her mother hanging lifelessly, betrayed and alone again.

Her entire personality isn't because she's 'cool' or 'bossy', its an unfathomably traumatized child, constantly in pain and unable to trust anyone, because she has been taught as an infant that she can not rely on the people meant to care for her, because her parents taught her that in the most brutal and disturbing way possible.

There's even reference to her trying to repeat her mother's suicide after disappearing from the fight, only to be found gravely injured and withering away in a bathtub.

She fights so hard to be independent because she refuses to let herself be hurt and abandoned again.

At the End of Evangelion, even when she is screaming and crying, bleeding to death after being speared through the eye, losing power, and being cannibalized alive in her EVA, she is still so desperate, so angry, that she refuses to die, swearing vengeance on her enemies through dying rattled breaths, and it isn't until she is bombarded with blades that she finally succumbs. And at the hands of NERV.

Again, she, and every single EVA pilot, is only 14 years old.

tldr: The series is about child trauma, children being turned into soldiers, the failings of adults around them, and the tragically brutal and real aftermath of the wreaks of havoc that would have on a child.

#I had to get this out of me because the loud fanbase for this show is fucking putrid #and also im hyperfixating and needed to get that out of my system LMAO #evangelion #neon genesis evangelion #eva #end of evangelion #evangelion shinji #evangelion asuka #evangelion rei #shinji ikari #asuka langley sōryū #rei ayanami #kyoko zeppelin sōryū #saiyū langley #gendo ikari #yui ikari

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toyafreethoughts · 8 months

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Ladies, Gentlemen and Non-Binary Pals we interrupt your time on here with a special matchup trade with @everlastlady !!

A/N: Thank you so much again for doing a trade matchup with me (: it means a whole lot, coming from my heart ❤️ I’m also sorry if this is short! I did the best I could now, commençons!

For your Hazbin Hotel Matchup you’ll be with…

Husker!

Now, I can see something between you two, let’s say it, I think he would like you being heated when your boundaries or whatever are being pushed to far and honestly good for you! he would like someone like that in a partner, someone who can stand up for themselves.

I also saw you like drinking wine, while husker likes drinking (pretty much anything ?) you guys can become drinking partners! he would also enjoy someone being able to take care of him, something he’s never had for so long.

Since you don’t like arguing I don’t think he would wanna argue either, it’s a waste of time anyways, he is sarcastic though so if it goes to far you may wanna say it and he’ll tone it down but I’m sure he’s gonna be soft around you anyways.

Bars are loud, maybe you can enjoy going to a bar but if you wanna just relax some place quieter then husker will be happy to do so! anything for his beloved anyways, he hopes that you guys won’t break up for a long time (or forever).

For your Black Butler Matchup you’ll be with…

Undertaker!

I can see some potential in you both! In fact I’d like to think he’d enjoy a partner like you, I mean your kind hearted and energetic! It’s perfect! He appreciates having conversations with you and he also enjoys your laughter too.

He would love drinking with you! Whatever it is coffee, tea, wine, etc it wouldn’t matter, I think you guys would have tea party dates and they would be romantical (but not overly-romantic if you prefer that.) he would love seeing you in dresses as well he loves to just dance with you and just compliment how good you look in whatever dress.

He would be a little concerned if you have a seizure around him, actually he’d be super worried he’ll probably make you rest while he’ll take care of you for the rest of the day (or make any of the butlers do it💀), anyways, he kind of teases you since your shorter then him, not in a bad way! he likes having a short partner, he won’t tease you for long with that anyways so no worries!

I don’t think he argues with people, actually no one, he’s a pretty chill dude so honestly I don’t see any arguing going on, unless if it’s really, REALLY bad but other then that I can barely see that happening, if a room is to loud (maybe parties or balls) then he’ll just take off for the night with you and just enjoy your company.

Anime/Manga Matchups!

For your Neon Genesis Evangelion Matchup you’ll be with… Rei Ayanami

For your Bungo Stray Dogs Matchup you’ll be with… Doppo Kunikida

For your Demon Slayer matchup you’ll be with… Kyōjurō Rengoku

For your Tokyo Revengers Matchup you’ll be with… Izana Kurokawa

For your Toilet Bound Hanako Kun Matchup you’ll be with… Sakura Nanamine

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For Kuroko’s Basketball Matchup you’ll be with… Kazunari Takao

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For your Study Case Of Vanitas Matchup you’ll be with… Noé Archiviste

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For Your Lie In April Matchup you’ll be with… Kaori Miyazono

For your Toradora Matchup you’ll be with Ryuji Takasu

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For your Attack On Titan Matchup you’ll be with… Armin Arlert

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For your Land Of Lustrous Matchup you’ll be with… Phosphophyllite

For your Iruma Kun! Welcome To Demon School Matchup you’ll be with… Demon King Derkila

For your One Piece Matchup you’ll be with… Nami

For your BNHA Matchup you’ll be with… Ochaco Uraraka

For your Tokyo Ghoul Matchup you’ll be with… Juuzou Suzuya

For your Bleach Matchup you’ll be with… Ichigo Kurosaki

For Your Soul Eater Matchup you’ll be with… Franken Stein

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For your Serial Experiments Lain Matchup you’ll be with… Lain Iwakura

For your Food Wars! Matchup you’ll be with… Soma Yukihira

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For your Rent A Girlfriend Matchup you’ll be with… Chizuru Ichinose

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For your Mushoku Teisei: Jobless Reincarnation Matchup you’ll be with… Rudeus Greyrat

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For your Girl From The Other Side Matchup you’ll be with… Sensei

For your School Days Matchup you’ll be with… Makoto Itou

GAME(S) MATCHUPS!

For your Turn To Die Matchup you’ll be with… Shin Tsukimi

For your Danganronpa Matchup you’ll be with… Leon Kuwata

For your Persona Matchup you’ll be with… Haru Okumura

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For your Quarry Matchup you’ll be with… Nicholas (Nick) Furcillo

For your NieR:Automata Matchup you’ll be with… Kainé

For your Drakengard Matchup you’ll be with… Zero

For Your Boyfriend Matchup you’ll be with… TK

For your Doki Doki Literature Club Matchup you’ll be with… Monika

For your Deltarune Matchup you’ll be with… Kris

For your Sally Face Matchup you’ll be with… Larry Johnson

CARTOON(S) MATCHUPS!

For your Inside Job Matchup you’ll be with… Brett Hand

For your TAWOG Matchup you’ll be with… Richard Watterson

For your Gravity Falls Matchup you’ll be with… Wendy

For your Owl House Matchup you’ll be with… Lilith Clawthorne

For your Steven Universe Matchup you’ll be with… Lapis Lazuli

For your Clone High Matchup you’ll be with… Joan of Arc

For your Total Drama Llama Matchup you’ll be with… Chris

For your South Park Matchup you’ll be with… Heidi Turner (Platonic)

For your Family Guy Matchup you’ll be with… Megg Griffin

For your BoJack Horseman Matchup you’ll be with… Sarah Lynn

For your Big Mouth Matchup you’ll be with… Val Bilzerian

For your Amphibia Matchup you’ll be with… Sasha Waybright

For your Adventure Time Matchup you’ll be with… Marshall Lee

OTHER(S) MATCHUPS!

For your Vocaloid/UTAU Matchup you’ll be with… Meiko

For your Breaking Bad Matchup you’ll be with… Jesse Pinkman

For your Stranger Things Matchup you’ll be with… Nancy Wheeler

For your AlRawabi School For Girls Matchup you’ll be with… Mariam

For your Marvel Matchup you’ll be with… Black Panther

For your Girl From Nowhere Matchup you’ll be with… Yuri

For your Eddsworld Matchup you’ll be with… Edd

For your Homestuck Matchup you’ll be with… Meulin Leijon

For your Creepypasta Matchup you’ll be with… Ani The Wight

For your Marble Hornets Matchup you’ll be with… Jay Merrick

For your K-pop Group Matchup you’ll be with… Hwang Hyunjin from Stray Kids

For your Vkei Group Matchup you’ll be with… i (哀) from Gulu Gulu

For your Walten Files Matchup you’ll be with… Sophie Walten

For your Evillious Chronicles Matchup you’ll be with… Eve Moonlit

For your Helluva Boss Matchup you’ll be with… Stolas Goetia

For your Murder Drones Matchup you’ll be with… Uzi Doorman

For your Mandela Catalogue Matchup you’ll be with… Toonbriel

#joey posts!#matchups #matchup #hazbin hotel matchups #hazbin hotel #black butler matchup #black butler #anime #games

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supersquiddy · 3 years

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Correct me if I’m wrong, but did the movie basically say Kaworu’s fixation on Shinji was “wrong” and then have Shinji get with Mari and Kaworu get with Rei at the end? I don’t get why they put so many romantic connotations in kawoshin just to say homo bad, het good.

Hi! For me personally, I saw things a bit different. Yes, Kaworu did say he misunderstood Shinji's happiness. Yes, Kaji said that it was Kaworu's happiness Kaworu wanted. But he also said that Kaworu wanted Shinji's happiness to make himself happy. I don't think this is necessarily a condemnation of Kaworu's actions. It seems like if Shinji was happy, he was happy, he just had to make Shinji happy. But he didn't know how. He assumed what Shinji needed to be happy. And yes, it is wrong to assume what someone needs, but Kaworu really doesn't know what else to do. From my understanding, in 3.33, Kaworu's understanding of what Shinji needed to be happy was that Shinji needed to pilot again. They needed the spears to reverse the damage Shinji did to the world. However, things didn't go as planned. It was actually a trap. Kaworu thought Shinji's happiness would be found in an Eva again but he was wrong. That's why in 3+1, Kaworu apologizes to Shinji about misunderstanding his happiness when Evas were brought up.

And it's a lot like real life, some people want to help another person but they don't ask the person what they really need. They just do what they think is right for the person. They are wrong but they aren't bad people (usually) for it.

Personal example: I have a friend who I love to bits. He's pretty much the Shinji to my Kaworu (platonically.) There have be plenty of times when I felt so similar to him. (The "I'm you. I'm just like you." line from Kaworu hit me so hard cause I thought about how I felt about my friend.) I'm always trying to help him, trying my best to help him be happy because that makes me happy to. Especially since I feel so similar to him, it's like I'm giving myself the help I never got. But oftentimes, I project my own ideas of what it means to be happy on him instead of concidering what he wants. It isn't out of malicious intent, it's just comes from the strong desire to help him. But it isn't right. So Kaworu's scene hit home to me and I got it cause I experienced it in a way.

I personally don't think that since the movie said he misunderstood what Shinji wanted, doesn't necessarily mean he was a bad person. I think the movie was just trying to flaw him like all the other characters since Kaworu is, compared to the main cast, pretty flawless. However I wish they did a better job since I've seen many people disappointed or confused about this choice. I wasn't bothered by it at all because I related to it. Hopefully my rambles make sense to you!

Now to address the other part of your ask! What was that ending? To keep it short, I believe that these "pairings" aren't set in stone. Mari and Shinji did flirt with each other but does that 100% mean they are dating? Not exactly. Rei and Kaworu were seen standing and talking next to each other, does that mean they are dating? Not exactly. One thing I've noticed that is sometimes lost in online discussion is interpretation. Not everything we watch has a set meaning. You and I can watch the same thing and have wildly different takes from it, and that's perfectly fine. Everyone won't always agree what they feel or think a piece of media has to say. As far as I know, Anno did not come out and confirm it himself that Shinji and Mari are dating and that Kaworu and Rei are dating. So it's all up to how you interpret their relationship. Some might see it as purely romantic, some might see it as purely platonic, they are both interpretations that can work. I think it's interesting at least that Shinji and Mari are shown on one side of the track. While Askua, Kaworu, and Rei are shown on the other. They are all, I asume, dead. But Mari was able to retrieve Shinji. So it's the classic one side has the living, the other side of the tracks have the dead visualization. I have nowhere to go with that but I just wanted to point it out.

I find it also interesting that they showed Kaworu and Rei next to each other. This movie compared Kaworu to Gendo. Kaworu is determined to make Shinji happy just as much as Gendo is determined to see Yui again, and they both fail to make things go as planned. So very interesting things can be taken from seeing Kaworu and Rei together. Since they are representations of Shinji's parents, they could be dating. (I don't believe that but I'm trying to show that things can be interpreted in different ways.) Or, if you want to go the more "deep route", they are important halves to Shinji's whole. Kind of like you are half one of your parents and half the other. (Very lose explainion of genetics but you see what I'm saying???) I'm not saying that they literally ARE his parents, but are halves of Shinji similar to how one is "half" their parents. Think about in EOE. First when Kaworu was another part of giant Rei. And then that part where Rei and Kaworu were with Shinji, helping him decide between humanity and Instrumentality. Shinji asks "what are the two of you within my heart?" Rei responds that "We are the hope that people will one day be able to understand each other." And Kaworu says "We are the words, "I love you."" Shinji just wanted to be understood and loved. However, Shinji says it is just a pretense, just a claim. But that isn't important to dive into for the point I'm making. Kaworu and Rei are reflections of what Shinji desires. And it's a decent thematic choice to have them resemble his parents in 3+1 the since they are halves of Shinji's heart that makes up his whole. Shinji's WHOLE character is driven by the desire to understand, but how? He is driven to be loved, but how? Kaworu and Rei reflect that.

All of that to say that there are a lot of things you can take from just the little bit of information. I wasn't fond of the ending but it didn't make me feel like the movie was saying that straight was good and gay was bad. HOWEVER, I do not fault you at all for seeing it like that. Because, on the surface it really does look like that....it really does. Both Kaworu and Mari are queer coded and seemly put in het relationships. But in Evangelion, things aren't always what they look on the surface. There is so much you can take from one scene, there are different ways to read what you're presented. I can't pretend to know Anno and his intentions for the Rebuilds, especially this one, but I don't believe he wanted things to be so cut and dry.

As you can see, I'm very passionate about this!!! Hopefully what I said made a lick of sense. And if not, please Anon ask me to clarify some things. Or maybe you want to challenge what I said! Which is cool too. Eva is a series I really love and I learned quickly that you got to realize that not everything is as it seems in the show.

I'll leave you with this: Remember that Kaworu and Shinji's names are written in the Book of Life. They are bound to meet each other over and over again. Being linked that way is pretty romantic. I'm with you Anon, kawoshin has so much potential that was seemingly shattered by this movie. But there are still some beautiful albeit brief moments between the two.

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takerfoxx · 2 years

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The Owl House, Season 2, Episode 17, "Edge of the World," First Impressions!

Well, I saw that one coming.

…didn’t see that other one coming though.

Ah ha, well! They are not giving us a chance to relax, are they? Yeah, I figured that nice Raeda episode was intended as a breather before the hits started coming again.

Well, last episode was all about breaking Hunter. Now it’s King’s turn, as he’s faced with the enormity of his own past and having questions answered that he probably would rather have remained mysteries. Hooty coughs up the letter, King is surprisingly not mad at him (I guess everyone’s just come to accept that Hooty’s gonna Hooty), and they learn of the big bearded King-looking mofo and how to contact him.

You know, I have to give the writers credit. They knew that we would figure out that King was really a baby Titan. I mean, the clues were all over the place, from him being born in a castle, to him not being of any identifiable Demon species, to the fact that he just looks like a Titan. So they used that non-twist to weave a second twist. Nobody saw that big hulking dude with King’s face and the deep voice being a fake. We all took it for granted that this was a member of King’s species, if not his actual father.

And hey, for a decent portion of this episode I bought into what I was being sold. I even missed those little Collector symbols all over the place. I mean, I was scratching my head at all the Titan hunting stuff. Like, I thought King was a Titan! Do you guys just hunt your own kind?

It wasn’t until the big dude (forget his name) mentioned that there was one remaining Titan that it all clicked, and I was like, “Uh-Oh.”

Damn, these dudes have just been hunting Titans, or at least their forebearers did? Like, I assume the Boiling Isles is what Titans look like fully grown (is that King’s dad? It’s at least an ancestor!), so all of those smaller skulls have got to come from juvenile Titans! And the Collector has been directing this the whole time! Is he an ancient enemy of the Titans, and that’s why his physical form is sealed up inside the Titan’s skull? Has he been engineering the Titan’s genocide as retaliation? Either way, the implications are outright horrifying. Like, those were kids! They’re wearing the skulls of massacred children!

But it is kind of amusing that the Titan trappers thought that they were worshipping Hircine but their god was instead Sheogorath. Also, Lance of Longinus, lol. Is there a giant Rei Ayanami head floating around with its own civilization living on it?

It does raise an interesting point about the Collector. That plate was the same kind that Philip used to communicate with him, so he’s been doing his work for a long time, all over the demon realm. I assume that the long-nosed Titan that the Titan trappers live on is a different species, perhaps like a pet to the other kind? We do know that there’s different kinds of Titans, including that big leviathan thingy. Is the Owlbeast some kind of Titan? Is that why the Collector was after it? Also, I assume he really wants to get out, and kickstarted several possible venues, from Bill sacrificing a Titan to Belos’s plan. To him, I guess it doesn’t matter which one gets the job done, so long as one of them does. Does that mean the Titan trappers will join Belos now?

But all that theorizing aside, our poor little family is once again broken. King is just distraught, man. He finally learned what he is, only for it to be confirmed that he’s the last of his kind. The people that he thought were his real family proved to be anything but. And man, that little, “Uh, hi,” when he saw the Titan that makes up the Boiling Isles was just heartbreaking.

And Eda! That breakdown was just hard to watch. She’s always been a devil may care rogue, not really caring about what happens to her. She rolls with the punches and keeps on trucking. That’s who she is. But her weak spot is her kids! She loves King and Luz, and having them hurt like this is heart wrenching!

And oh hey, the Day of Unity is one week away, Hunter is still out there, Belos knows what they know, and his agents have surrounded the Owl House!

Shit about to get super real, yo.

...

NOW BRING AMITY BACK!

#the owl house #toh #dana terrace #king clawthorne #luz noceda #hooty #eda clawthorne #lilith clawthorne #the collector #the titan #edge of the world #review

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insomniacowl · 4 years

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Neon Genesis Evangelion analysis chapter 15: Ayanami Rei, Unit – 00 Part 2 Trigger Warning: Languages that may depict rape and murder

Rei: …Who? Me? Myself inside of Eva?

No, there is someone else in here. Who are you?

Let’s begin this chapter with the scene from episode 23 when Armisael is “Penetrating” Unit – 00 and forced itself into Rei’s mind.

In this sequence, the other being that looked like Rei was the Armisael, yet Rei’s monologue is telling as she recounts that she was always aware of the other “being” that was inside of Unit – 00. Therefore, it is likely that there is a soul of someone in Unit – 00’s core who has a connection with Rei in a certain way. If the Soul in Unit – 00’s core was Naoko, Rei would not have felt the presence of a different “Self” in the core, thus there would have been a different way this was portrayed in this sequence.

There is another important scene in the game. As I have covered in the chapter for the unit – 03, there is a sequence in it where the pilots are confronted with the soul/s that are inside of their respective cores. For Shinji, Asuka, and Touji, they encounter their own mothers, but Rei encounters the younger Rei with distorted body proportion that we see in episode 14, with her name displayed as “???”.

Furthermore, in the game documents, the soul inside Unit – 00’s core is referred to as ‘Unknown being in the form of younger Rei’. With we extrapolate this and try to connect the game to the original series, we can see that it is the same being that we see in the game and in episode 14 through Shinji.

???: Why do you lie about your name and your body?

In the end, all we are let know is that the identity of the soul in Unit – 00 only looks like the first Rei when she died, therefore, it may not be correct to simply say that the identity of the soul is that of “The first Rei” as in this case, it becomes a contradiction of having two identical souls existing at the same time.

So let us delve a little further to answer this question of the identity of the soul while not straying away from the canon.

The second rei we know, and love did not have such evil smile

To start off, I will tell you my conclusion. My belief in the identity of the soul in Unit – 00’s core is a “Piece” of Lilith’s soul. This is possible as we have seen this happen with Kyoko’s soul for Unit – 02. Furthermore, as Kyoko’s contact experiment was conducted before the creation of Unit – 00’s core, we can also say that there is a possibility that Kyoko’s experiment was set up to test the viability of splitting a soul.

This “Piece” of the soul is not that of the First Rei. It is a part of the soul that was split on purpose when First Rei’s soul was being salvaged. Seeing again from Kyoko’s case, splitting of the soul can result in parts of the personality being attached with a specific soul (For Kyoko, her motherly side was taken away). Thus my argument is that Gendou has removed the expressive and potentially dangerous element of Lilith’s personality and locked it up in Unit – 00’s core. The personality that was locked up is likely to be related to that of Jealousy, hatred, and sexual desires and I will come back to this when we start our discussion of Rei.

Also, let’s keep in mind that the First Rei was made in 2004 and killed in 2010. Second Rei was created shortly after and is active during the ongoing of the series, 2015. So we can observe that the “Age” is not related to their physical appearance. Furthermore, First Rei is superior in terms of the ability to communicate with other people.

Gendou: She’s not Shinji. Her name is Rei

In her conversation with Naoko, we can definitely see that the First Rei had a sadistic side to her that we do not see in Second or Third Rei. What she tells Naoko is not that of a child simply repeating to another adult what they heard, but we can see that she is enjoying the distress Naoko is feeling at that moment. This is in line with the personality of Lilith in European folklore.

We can also see that Naoko was shown to be afraid of the image of “a jealous woman” that the First Rei has shown her.

Naoko: Rei-chan, is there something you want to say?

Rei: Don’t bother asking old lady. I can do what I want by myself

Naoko: You shouldn’t go around calling others an old lady. I’ll tell on you to commander Ikari

Rei: But you are an old lady.

That old lady is uptight. The old lady is useless now. That what the commander said

*In original Japanese, Old lady (Baba) is more derogatory

In theorizing, many lean towards the idea that Gendou has made the First Rei say such lines. My belief is that Lilith has used her abilities to read the thoughts of Gendou and Naoko or have at the very least said what she said on her own free will. We can say this about her ability as we see Kaworu being able to tell that he is being watched by Misato and can float freely as he travels down to central dogma. Being a being of similar status, it is likely that Lilith too has similar abilities as Kaworu shows us.

If the case of Kaworu’s ability stands, we can also make an argument of the same nature for the First Rei, and therefore also explain why the Second Rei never shows such abilities (as she is not a complete soul).

If Gendou has made the First Rei say such things to Naoko, that also means that he foretold Naoko’s murder of Rei and the suicide shortly after. Such foresight is in the realm of prophecy and I don’t think it's even written in the dead seas scroll.

It doesn’t matter if you die. You are replaceable…. Just like me.

Now let us shift our perspective to that of Gendou for a moment. Inside of the First Rei is the Soul of Lilith. And this soul is important in the project of instrumentality. But the situation he found himself after the death of the two he realized that there is a need for a safer way of containing this soul.

Since the First Rei have managed to kill Naoko if resurrected in the same way, what could she possibly do next to sabotage? This made Lilith’s soul difficult to deal with.

In this case, the best way forward for Gendou was to lock away the problematic part of Lilith’s soul in unit – 00 and create the Second rei with the remainder, teach her the emotions that she does not have (either as Lilith, or the part that was locked up) and right before the initiation of the HIP, fuse the two together to create the Third Rei,

Rei: This is… tears… crying… am I crying?

The emotions Rei picks up throughout the series is the “Love towards Gendou”, and right before her moment of death was “Loneliness” and “Sadness”. To put it in different words, creating a desire for the instrumentalization. To cement this desire, Gendou chooses this exact moment to unfreeze Unit – 01 and send out Shinji to turn that desire into that of “Love for Shinji” (Gendou’s problem was that this love developed a little too much). The Second rei that has completed her utility then died in Unit – 00’s self-destruction.

The two souls were salvaged and were fused into the Third Rei and in Gendou’s mind, Rei that was perfect for the Third impact was created. So to say the Third Rei is the same being as the First is inaccurate due to the difference there was between the Second and the First, and there would have been some danger in carrying out the instrumentality with the First as she was.

Kaworu: First children Ayanami Rei. You are just like me.

Rei: Who are you?

One more detail that supports my argument is in episode 24 when Kaworu refers to Rei as a being just like he is and just for a short period, the Third Rei was similar to the First Rei. This happens when Kaworu enters the central dogma when he blocks out everything from the outside by expanding his AT-field. Aoba report of a brief spike of a second AT-field and we see Rei floating in Central Dogma looking down at Kaworu and Shinji. It is also the Third Rei that appears at the final moment of End of Evangelion (This too will be covered in a later chapter in detail).

This means that because the Third Rei was existing inside of Lilith during the actual instrumentalization, Rei was able to become a higher being.

Shinji: Ayanami, why do you ride the Eva?

If we look back, other then the lack of emotions the Second Rei shows, we do not see her showing any extraordinary abilities. I have mentioned before the possibility of Second Rei not containing the soul of Lilith. It is often taken as though fact by many that ‘Rei = Lilith’ but we need to keep in mind that we do not have solid evidence that the soul of all Reis is identical.

This gives rise to the possibility that the Second Rei may not even be Lilith. It that is the case, it explains two observations that we can make. Firstly, the comparison between Kaworu who was able to pilot Unit – 02 (That was a part of his body) freely, and how Rei was unable to move Unit – 01 as freely. Secondly, how Gendou was confident enough to make Rei pilot Unit – 00 that was built using the Body of Adam.

Yet this is not enough to disprove the ‘Rei = Lilith’ hypothesis thus my argument of partial nature of Second Rei’s soul.

The first Rei in episode 25: Look inside of you. There is a heart that no one can see neither understand

In episode 14, there is a piece of dialogue that is presented in a throwaway manner that says, “Ayanami herself only faintly feels her existence”. This describes Rei’s lack of social abilities and also points to the missing “piece” of her existence and is continuously presented to us when we see Rei is seen reflecting on her identity.

In other words, this missing “Piece” was inside of Unit – 00, and the absence of it has caused great pain and feeling of loneliness for the Second Rei. This is also the reason why she continues to pilot Unit – 00 as this is when she can feel herself to be whole. Thus why she describes the act of piloting Eva as “A way to stay linked to others”.

Rei: No. I don’t know. I’m probably the third.

One more point of note is that the Third Rei was aware (although not completely sure of it) that she is the Third.

This struck me as odd that she knew this since the Second never said anything about her being Second, neither would it be sensible for Gendou or Ritsuko to tell her this fact.

However, if we consider the idea of the Second rei having a missing “Piece” she was aware of, and if Lilith’s soul was able to understand that there was a period this “Piece” was removed, then returned, the Third Rei should be able to instinctively feel that there have been two “transformations” that has occurred before this.

I always wonder the reason why they used the word “Umbilical” cord to refer to the power supply cable.

The soul inside of Eva’s core has mostly been that of the pilot’s mother. This is likely due to the ease of synchronization between mothers and children. But let’s think of what the reason might be. My guess is that Eva imitates the situation when there are two souls in one body during pregnancy. Since there have been nine months of this had happened already before the child was born, they ‘return to the womb’ in the form of piloting the Eva.

In the case of Rei, the absence of a mother for her served as an obstacle in creating Unit – 00’s core, to create a representation of a mother-child relationship, the best course of action would have been to split the soul into two and place them respectively into the Eva and into the cloned body.

My proposition here would suffice in explaining the relationship between all of our pilots and their Evas’ cores.

Let us now return to where we started and look again at the hints presented to us in the sequence of Unit – 00 going berserk. Through both cases of going out of control, Unit – 00 seemed to have shown its hatred of Rei, Gendou, and itself. There is no proof of Unit – 00 having any reason to desire to harm Ritsuko. My belief in her assumptions being shown to us was to highlight the guilt she might harbor regarding the Dummy system. On why it seemed like Unit – 00 was trying to kill Rei or itself, my argument is that it also desired to become one complete soul, and to make it happen, either one of them had to die.

The being that Shinji encounters when he is in Unit – 00 is therefore not exactly the soul of the first Rei. She is also Rei, but not completely Rei. Since there is no exact name that we can use to refer to this soul (that is only a part of the whole soul), it explains why the name in the game text is referred to as ???.

In episode 25 (End of Evangelion) we see that both the second Rei and the First exist together inside Third Rei and we are shown the first Rei talking to the Second in a demeaning and cruel attitude that feels like it is Lilith. This could be due to the soul has been in different locations being inserted into the Third Rei as they were salvaged.

1 + 1 = 1

If my hypothesis presented over the two chapters are correct, they would have required the technicalities on how to separate out only a specific part of Lilith. It should not be impossible due to the example of Kyoko existing, but I will say that this is what is referred to as the “Trouble faced during the creation of Core for Rei” that we are told in the game.

The analysis of Unit – 00’s core also leads directly to the analysis of Ayanami Rei herself. For example, her name “Rei” in Japanese can both mean “Zero” or “Spirit”, alluding to her being the pilot of Unit – 00, or to the identity of the importance of the Soul in her identity. It may also refer to two souls ( 0 and 0 ) existing both inside and outside of Unit – 00.

There is still so much that we have left to discuss the identity of and Ayanami Rei as a character. All of this will be covered in the future.

I would like to thank you for stitching with me for the past five weeks covering the analysis of Evangelion Units for what they are, and this chapter concludes this discussion on their identity and the role of souls in piloting it. From the next chapter onwards, we shall be on a new topic of the organizations and angels starting with the discussion of Seele, Gehrin, and Nerv.

Thank you for reading

TBC Chapter 16 Seele, Gehrin, Nerv and…

#Neon genesis evangelion #Evangelion #Eva #End of evangelion #Nge #Nagisa Kaworu #Lilith #Sci-fi #Ikari Shinji #Soryu Asuka Langley #asuka #Ayanami Rei #rei #Anno Hideaki #Katsuragi Misato #Anime #Analysis #Review

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00-reiayanami · 4 years

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Rei ayanami

Growing up in the 90's alongside Evangelion made me really attached to it, especially when i was young, being an introvert person made me really adore Rei ayanami. Now, i'm in my late 20's and till this day i cannot let her go of my mind. My life changed when i was started my university life, my introvert life drastically changed, it's just like I'm freed from the cage that kept me all this time. Even myself cannot understand why, but now ,not even a single day i spent without going out of my room, met with a lot of person, talks a lot, and having fun. But still my heart cannot let her go. I spend my whole university life being an extrovert without myself refusing it. Met a lot of girls, but not even a single time myself tries to get close to any of them. It feels like i left Rei behind, still trapped in those cage. I adore her, no, i LOVE her, i love her on the level where i cannot hate her at all my whole life. I need her to be happy, i need her to be happy on the last rebuild movie, otherwise i don't understand anymore. By the way If you guys thinks my insanity are on the level that i love her whole my life, you guys might be wrong or not. I still don't know right now. I lived a normal life, having a proper job and had a dream to be reached, but the thing is, I can't fall to anyone else but her. This tumblr was all about her, every night i visit this tumblr page just to see her. Please anno, just this time, make an happy ending for her. I love her, i need her to be happy. To any of you who read this . thank you.

P.S I know she’s just an anime character, and not real, but I’m Growing up with her, read a lot of fanfic you guys made, Finished all the spin off series. I’m not expecting her to be exist and having a life with her. I just need an ending that made her happy. That’s all.

#Rei ayanami #rebuild of evangelion #rebulid 3.0+1.0 #thrice upon a time #neon genesis evangelion #don't blame me

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freezing-kaiju · 4 years

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a stupid stubborn sort of vow

an AsuRei fic, 1.5k words

Summary: After an emotional confrontation between Asuka and Hikari over the latter’s moving away, a confession goes badly and Rei finds herself having to comfort a miserable Asuka, her sworn rival. Vows are exchanged, of a sort.

(au detail: modern au, set during community college, no evangelions, au to be named soon)

It was precisely 7:32 PM, Friday, a mild September night. Rei left her window open, as ever. She didn’t have a particular fondness for the night air; she was indifferent, as she was with a laundry list of things.

That list was waning, though, thanks to the person who was now occupying her thoughts, as she did jarringly often nowadays.

Asuka Langley Soryu. Her rival. Nemesis. Adversary. Enemy, opponent, opposite... match, even. The first time Asuka declared she hated her, Rei had expected their petty rivalry to stop in a month. Asuka’d move on to the next annoyance, the next thing to be furious on, and Rei would be left behind as ever, ready to proceed on her way.

But Asuka stuck. Through third grade, fourth, fifth, all of middle school and now two years of high, Asuka was a thorn in Rei’s side, and Rei a thorn in hers. Rei supposed Asuka was, aside from her brother, the closest thing she had to a friend.

And Asuka loved to argue.

So the duo whiled away the nights over the years making up a host of feuds. Any topic that came to mind, Asuka’d take a stand on, Rei’d pick something opposing and stick to it as much as Asuka stuck to hers.

Asuka loved pop music, the kind she could dance to. Rei picked classical, the only kind she listened to. Asuka preferred magical girl anime, Rei decided she prefers shonen. Asuka argued the best fruit was apples, Rei countered with pomegranate. Sometimes they’d spend a whole evening trying to come up with what to fight over and end up dozing off side by side on Rei’s bedroom floor.

Tonight though... well, tonight, Rei hoped Asuka wouldn’t come. Not that she didn’t look forward to another bout with her, of course. But, well...

She put her book down for a moment, marking it with one of Monday’s completed worksheets, and picked up her phone. No texts from Asuka. She tapped the contact regardless, and stared at their brief exchange from that afternoon.

Asuka: sayin googbye 2 hikari 2nite Asuka: *goodbye, FUCK Rei: Ah. Asuka: leave the window open ncase i fuckup Rei: I will. Good luck. Asuka: fuck u wonder girl Asuka: dont need ur luck Asuka: seeya, h8 u 4ever Rei: You too.

Rei treasured those interactions. But she knew Hikari was more important to Asuka. Sometimes, when they went on hikes to out-endure each other or exploring abandoned buildings to see who chickens out first, Asuka’d ramble about how long she’d had a crush on her best friend. How much she wanted to kiss her, hold her hand, how she was sure Hikari’d be the one to always stick with her, the one she could spend the rest of her life with.

Needless to say, Asuka had been pretty pissed about it. And paranoid, and stressed, and panicked, and above all sad. Rei knew by now how to tell apart the various shades of anger on her emotional palette, but the past week had seen a roiling blend of all the worst.

Rei placed her phone back down on her desk, an island in the void of mostly empty space, and picked her book back up. The Horse’s Song, another in her carefully organized shelf of nondescript books. So far it failed to provoke anything, but the clipped pace and strange dialogue kept her attention well enough. Asuka would tear the book a new one, if Rei convinced her to read it. She’d save that idea for another topic-less day.

Seven pages further in, a sound split Rei’s concentration. The clang of someone tripping over that bucket Shinji still hadn’t found a place for. A scream of “FUCK!” Hard footsteps on the grass.

Rei put aside her book, turned her chair to the window and placed her hands on her lap.

After a few moments and a series of loud slams, Asuka’s hands slammed onto the windowsill. The paint on her nails was chipped. She groaned and slowly lifted herself up, eyes fixing right on Rei’s. Her expression twisted into her customary glare, but wavered, unable to stick in its natural state. Her makeup ran like a storm drain down her face, blue eyes red from crying, hair clips barely holding on. Her cheek bore an unexpected bruise.

“I’m here.” Rei softened her monotone, hoping that the sentiment overcame her blank expression. Evidently it passed muster; Asuka’s glare shifted slightly, her grimace twisting into a sweet sneer.

“Yeah, I can— Ugh,” Asuka grunted as she clambered the rest of the way through the window, “I can see that, Wonder Girl.” She kicked off her shoes and flopped back-first onto Rei’s bed.

“Your makeup’s running.”

“I know.”

“You were crying.”

“I know.”

“You have a bruise.”

“I KNOW!” Asuka snapped, bolting upright. “God, you really are a robot, you know that? ‘Scanning rival, injuries detected, initiate snide remark protocol’. Ever thought about talking like a person? Asking what’s wrong?! Or hell, maybe I’m lucky you’re a robot in a meat suit, any rational human would’ve slammed the window on my goddamn hands so thanks for being a freak I guess!”

Rei paused for a moment, weighed her responses, and settled on, “I trust you too.”

Asuka took this about as well as a sucker punch. She gaped, eyes wide, balled fists going slack.

“You— wh, what even, I’m— what?!”

“The bruise,” Rei veered the subject ninety degrees, “where’d it come from?”

“Wh— oh.” Asuka covered her cheek with her hand, staring pointedly at the nothing on Rei’s walls. “...Hikari.”

“You fucked up?”

“No!” Asuka snapped. “...well, I did, sure,” she admitted with a glower, “but so did she!”

“How.”

A miserable smirk cracked across Asuka’s face. She spread her hands as if to announce exactly what wasn’t up her sleeve. “So, picture. Me, helping lug all her stupid luggage into her dad’s car. Hikari sticks behind, looking up at me, class-prez poise and a shy little grin on her, okay, gorgeous face. I’m trying not to cry. Turn to her, about to ask if she’s gonna keep in touch.”

Rei nodded, eyes focused on Asuka’s.

“And...and, like a stupid jerk, she fucking— she kissed me!” Asuka said, with the same level of incredulity as someone discovering they’re an elf. “She kissed me, and she said that she l...lov...lo...” Asuka sputtered, “liked me!”

“Oh no.” Rei could already tell where this was headed.

“And being me, I just had to panic. I don’t remember everything that happened, it was kinda a blur! But I remember...my hands were on her shoulders and I was...god, I think I was begging her not to go.” She tch-ed. “Pathetic of me. Disgusting, really. No wonder she clocked me.”

“Liar.”

Asuka gave Rei an utterly withering look, but Rei continued. “You aren’t pathetic. Or disgusting. You’re Asuka. Those words aren’t compatible with Asuka.”

Asuka’s look softened instantly; Rei could see the beginnings of tears prick her eyes again. “Goddamnit, Wonder Girl. No, you know what? Get over here.” Asuka patted the spot next to her on the bed. Rei obliged, leaving her chair to nestle in just close enough to not upset Asuka. To her shock, though, she felt Asuka’s fingers ghost along her palm... then grasp it like a lifeline to her last hope of salvation.

“Wonder Girl. Ayanami. ...Rei,” Asuka began, and Rei could tell her teeth were gritted. “You and me. Our whole...our whole rivalry. How the fuck long are we gonna keep this up?”

“When you stop caring,” Rei said instantly, the response one of the few she never thought she’d need but prepared for the sake of it. “When I’m no longer useful. When it doesn’t matter to you.”

Asuka’s answering laugh was the hollowest Rei’d ever heard.

“Right then. Then... then I’ve got an idea.”

Rei tilted her head and Asuka took it as her cue to continue. “What if... what if we swear on it?”

“How?”

“Easy, stupid. Here, I’ll go first.” Asuka scoffed, then put on her most arrogant affectation and proclaimed, “I, Asuka Langley Soryu, promise to forever be your rival, your foe, your most trusted enemy, to hate and to keep. I swear to follow you, Rei Ayanami, to the end of the world, through thick and thin, of spite and sheer devotion.”

Rei hummed for a few moments in response. “...I, Rei Ayanami, promise to forever be your rival, your foe, your most trusted enemy, to hate and to keep. I swear to follow you, Asuka Langley Soryu, to the end of the world, through thick and thin, of spite and sheer devotion,” she parroted back, meaning every word with her whole, dull, robotic heart.

Rei knew Asuka would never let her see it, but she could feel her smile radiating out at her.

The two girls laid there, for what could have been a minute or an eternity (but was precisely eighty-seven seconds).

It was a vow they both intended to keep.

#asurei #reisuka #asuka langley soryu #rei ayanami #nge #neon genesis evangelion #nge horror au #my fics #soryu asuka langley #ayanami rei

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drink-n-watch · 6 years

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So far I’ve managed to stay pretty far away from Neon Genesis Evangelion on this blog. I’ve mentioned it in passing but I’ve yet to dedicate a single post to any of its many themes, characters or legacies. Love it or hate it, you cannot deny that the series has had an important impact on the anime industry and its perception internationally. As far as ambassadors go, you can do worse.

The fact is that even though I remember it astonishingly well, I haven’t watched NGE in over a decade. I don’t think I’m quite up to reviewing it without a refresher. This is a weird way to start a post. Telling you I’m inept to write it. Actually I start a lot of my posts this way…. Readers are beginning to make fun of me. You guys are patient! Oh Also SPOILERS for a decades old super popular show!

It’s all good folks. This isn’t really a post about NGE. I actually wanted to have a little chat about the inherent narrative problem of clones. To this end I’m going to choose one of anime’s best known representations, Rei Ayanami.

Do you like Rei? I do. Stoic characters have a soft spot in my heart. Besides, in a series like Neon Genesis Evangelion, where everyone is more or less a walking talking nervous breakdown, a calm and quiet character is not only a breath of fresh air, but a necessity. I remember when I first watched the series (so young and fresh), I kept thinking that Shinji should just go for Rei instead. Or better yet, the show should push the other characters to the background and just concentrate on Rei’s story. Considering the reveals later on, solution 2 quickly became my favorite.

or we can petition to get this show made! by Hayama Yuujirou

Unfortunately, neither was ever a real option. Because Rei was never a real person so she can’t be an actual character. That’s the clone dilemma (that was going to be my post title but spoilers!). In order for imaginary conflicts to mean anything, and the audience to get invested in them, there need to be some stakes. Consequences that stick. Or else, why bother. But in most stories, clones are somewhat impervious to consequences. The only reason to make them a clone in the first place is to be able to play with the idea of copies and dispensability.

Clones don’t matter. Regardless of how lovingly the narrative develops them, in the end they are an easily replaceable commodity. If one breaks, heck even if one is too sad or is going through a rough puberty or something, you can just throw it out and pop in a fresh new one into your plot. Sure your audience may get a bit bummed out but they’ll get over it. Clones aren’t special, they’re literally identical to someone else. And that’s why, they can’t be your main character. The audience will never seen themselves in them. No one *wants* to be the copy.

I wanted to be Rei (Chenbo)

From a narrative standpoint, clones bring up a lot of similar problems as time travel. Actions and consequences get trivialized due to lack of permanence. In order for viewers to get really invested in the story, without feeling cheated, you need to get creative with your outcomes and structure. Or you need to use the device sparingly. You need to really create an amazing character, or give up and acknowledge it’s just a prop.

As such, that’s what clones often become. Plot devices rather than characters. A certain Magical Index can afford to violently kill off armies of Misakas while remaining generally bloodless otherwise because it doesn’t count as long as there is at least one more Misaka left standing. It’s a cheat you see. The show is now gritty but doesn’t have to worry about alienating more sensitive viewers.

You can write stories that are cruel to your clone characters while still passing off as generally harmless and even happy in tone.

it’s telling how often Rei is illustrated as wounded (by usually ecchi DanteWontDie)

As for Rei herself. I am not so deluded as to call Neon Genesis Evangelion a happy show by any stretch of the word. However, if you take the original series ending as canon (which I do), it is surprisingly hopeful. Those characters went through figurative hell in order to learn something from the journey and came out the other side better and stronger for it. Shinji started coming to grips with profound insecurity and guilt caused by his abusively neglectful father. Asuka finally has a chance to start putting behind her the trauma of a devastating childhood and mentally unstable mother. (Parents…am I right?). Humanity as a whole is given a second chance….

And poor little not a real girl Rei gets to watch. Rei endured the hardships of piloting an Eva longer than anyone. She didn’t have the benefit of a parental figure to fall back on like Misato (flawed but comforting). Rei was expected to shoulder the burden alone without so much as a helpless friend to confide in. It’s a lot to ask. You would think she would be particularly rewarded.

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Of all the unfortunate souls trapped in the end of world nightmare that is Neon Genesis Evangelion, no one suffered greater psychological or physical trauma than Rei. She’s the only one of the main cast that actually died. And what does she have to show for it? An extremely creepy and uncomfortable relationship with her only child and estranged husband? That’s about it. Rei doesn’t even get the benefit of personal growth.

And of all the very many things fans of the franchise got extremely mad about, her mistreatment wasn’t even a consideration. Because clones don’t matter…

I disagree. It’s time we started respecting imaginary lives even if they are visually similar. I mean all the sailor scouts are clearly clones wearing different wigs. We care about them. Clones do matter and so did Rei.

The Rei Ayanami Dilema So far I've managed to stay pretty far away from Neon Genesis Evangelion on this blog. I've mentioned it in passing but I've yet to dedicate a single post to any of its many themes, characters or legacies.

#anime #character #drama #Evangelion #sci fi

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mortalshinobi · 7 years

Text

Memory of Scars - chapter 4

chapter four of my evangelion fanfic. enjoy

“Shinji...” she says, her voice echoing in his ears like a hollow chord. Words from a voice that should not be. “Why are you here?” she ask, looking up at him through dull eyes. “I...” She tries to stand on wobbly legs, only to falter, falling forwards as Shinji grabs her shoulders, reacting automatically as he moves to break her fall. This can’t be happening, he thinks. This can’t be happening! How is this happening!? The woman before him, her body trembling, seems to mock his reality as her fingers pull at his body for balance. Small mannerisms and actions matching those of another that should not be, appearance an exact replica to that one he lost so long ago as she looks up at him with worried eyes, voicing his name in a soft timber. It takes all his being to keep from bursting out in tears before her and not fall in despair. How can this be possible? Why does she act and look just like Ayanami when Ayanami is back home? Why... He pauses as he hears his words mimicked by another, their expression as petrified and shocked as his own, seeming to disbelieve their own eyes the way he is doubting his own self. His own touch and hearing and sight. Because what is before him should simply not exist, and yet, his hands wrap around this being that should not be here, trying to keep her safe. Hands tremble as he thinks it’s this person’s fault, the one staring back in mimicry of his expression. His eyes narrow as he holds Ayanami against him, this body that has Ayanami’s soul replicated in it that should not be. He glares daggers towards the doctor who simply stares wide eyed, the lit cigarette slipping from her lips. Why, he thinks. Why did she do this? What did she hope to gain by trying to clone Ayanami? More... how long has this actually been going on? Since when... has Ayanami not been... herself? Wh... Fingers curl around the lapels of his shirt, drawing his attention anew to the girl struggling to get to her feet. “Shinji...” she whimpers with a quiver to her voice. “I... I can’t feel my legs. I can’t feel my legs!” Her voice begins to rise in pitch and Shinji grips her closer, pulling her up against him to try and help with her balance as her voice starts to become shrill against his ears as a realization dawns on him. She is remembering the accident as if it had just barely happened, as if she’d come out fresh from it and her mind and body are reacting to it. He has to stop this, keep her from going through something that isn’t hers to go through. “Y-you’re fine, Rei!” he says, staring wide eyed at her, trying to hold the young woman steady and keep her from struggling from his grasp and hurting herself. “You’re fine. Your legs are fine! See? Nothing’s happened to them!” “No...” she says, shaking her head, tearing glimmering around her eyes. “I can’t feel them. I can’t feel them!” He looks up back towards the doctor, trying to motion her with his eyes to come help. She simply stares with that dumbfounded look when he screams at her as Ayanami continues to resist his help. “Ritsuko!” “Right,” says the doctor, shaking her head as she seems to regain her composure, snapping back to reality. She looks towards the downed cigarette for a moment before leaving it be and heading to the table, rummaging for supplies as she brings out a bottle which seems to hold transparent liquid within. He wonders what Ritsuko is up to when Rei jerks further at his collar, pulling him towards her. “I can’t feel my legs, Ikari. Why can’t I feel my legs?” He stares at the woman before him, eyes wide as he looks on with fear towards her own child like expression, seeming to look to him for reassurance. Reassurance of which he has none to give. He isn’t even sure what is happening, only that everything has gone south fast. Ayanami seems to be regressing to that time right after the accident when her condition was unstable but at once seems to recognize his place at her side. It is something.. But he hardly thinks it enough. He needs help in this situation. “I.. I don’t...” he whispers in a quivering voice when Ayanami jerks as a figure appears behind her. A fine needle pushes into the side of her neck, she staring with mild shock as fingers tighten for a moment on his body, nails digging small gouges in his shoulders as if unwilling to let go of their hold on him before eyes slowly close and she leans her head against his shoulders, her breathing becoming lighter, coming out in short, quick gasp. “What did you do?” ask Shinji worriedly as the young woman collapses in his arms, now fully limp against his body. The doctor stares with a quiet pained expression, hands in pockets. “It’s just a small dose of Fentanyl. It’ll relax her for the time being.” “Yes,” he says, trying to understand what she is saying, but having so many questions she hasn’t yet addressed. “But..” “Can you carry her?” the woman ask. “Sure. But..” “Good. Come along then.” She begins to walk down the corridors before she pauses in her gait, turning her head momentarily. “I don’t know what’s happening, Shinji,” she says quietly. “This being shouldn’t have any of Rei’s emotions or memories. Only the real Rei should be capable of such.” “Shouldn’t?!” says Shinji, practically screaming. The body pressed against him breathing lightly with soft shallow breathes has Ayanami’s weight, her appearance and even her heartbeat. How can this woman think anything but that something like Ayanami would come out from that chamber? No. For all intents and purposes it is Ayanami! It... “Don’t stare at me like that,” says Ritsuko. “This is as much your fault as it is mine.” “How is it my fault!? You.. You’re the one that brought her out like this! You...” “And why did I do that?” says Ritsuko coldly, her voice dripping with venom. “I...” says Shinji, his body trembling as he looks towards the limp form in his hands. “It’s because you didn’t want to believe the woman in your home is Ayanami. And now.. And now...” The woman laughs hysterically, as if there is something amusing of which only she knows the joke to. “What’s so funny?!” says Shinji, glaring at the woman before him, body trembling in anger as he grits his teeth. The woman stops with her laughter, regarding him cooly, a twitch at her eye. “This whole wretched situation is funny. My whole life... is a ridiculous joke.” “What do you mean?” says Shinji. The woman fishes out the pack of cigarettes from her pocket, trying to withdraw one from the package, but Shinji can see she is no longer calm or collected. The pack slips from her grip, the cigarettes slipping through openings in the grating, disappearing into the blackness below. Ritsuko stares at the sight before her with a sulk, biting on her lower lip before regarding the young man and the woman he carries. Hands in pockets, she motions to him. “Come along then. I’ll explain everything at the labs.” With this she does turn away, leaving behind the discarded pack of smokes. Shinji looks after her with a tentative gaze then back towards the woman in his grasp and sighs. “I’m sorry, Rei,” he says. “I won’t run away this time.” He moves forward then, following after the woman who has disappeared into the darkness, wondering what exactly he has done and what is he now responsible for.

*******

The phone buzzes, ringing with dead air. A continual hum that makes her heart race, fingers briefly tightening on the wrapped bundle in her arms. Eyes narrow as lips part, hoping that he will pick up the phone. She waits with bated breath hoping he will answer, hopes rising as it seems the receiver picks up. There is a click, Ayanami feeling elation as she believes Shinji has picked up only for her face to falter as the machine goes to voice mail. She leans back, silent, pulling the phone from her ear, looking at it with a dead face. What should she say? “Ikari, come home?” She does not know what words will bring him back to her anymore. Each day Shinji seems to drift further and further from her presence, as if despite his body being there, his mind is elsewhere. As is his heart. This is what hurts the most. If his heart was still with her she could handle the rest... but for that to leave as well? It is simply too much. Memory temporarily drifts to days after she’d had the accident when she’d thought her spine and legs had been taken from her. When she’d still thought.. She was the fourth. And so did he... She’d been so scared, fighting on the table, asking... no, demanding to know where was Ikari. Dr. Akagi had sedated her more than once. But each time she would wake she would ask the same question as each time she would drift to sleep that accident would play over and over again. Those headlights suddenly veering down on her, Ikari’s grip taken from her grasp and the crunching sounds made as her own spine gave way under crushing metal and wood. Warm blood dripping down her thighs... Even now, the memory makes her want to scream. Until one day, he was there, holding her hand, tears in his eyes, a genuine smile on his face. Holding tightly as if he’d never let go... except... he did. Because as each day passed and there was no problem with her body, his eyes would drift to her legs and she’d see a question in his eyes, a question she didn’t want him to ponder but one he would mull over more and more each day. The question of how can a woman who went through an accident like that actually be standing fully healthy and fine after so much damage and more importantly.. Was this really her? She knew that is what he thinks constantly when he looks at her, that question in his eyes as he stares at her, trying to see something inside her eyes. Something.. He does not see. A warm tear runs down her cheek as a quiver runs through her body. She wants to be... wants to be that woman he yearns for. She wants to be the one he loves and cares for. She wants to be... the fourth. Really be her. But all she is.. All she is... is an inferior with this skin of another and that is all she will ever be.

#evangelion #fanfiction #rei ayanami #ritsuko akagi #shinji ikari #reixshinji

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