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#and i feel lonely and incapable of connecting more than superficially with my classmates
transmechanicus
·
1 year
Text
“I’ll be fine i just need to uhhhhhhh idk kill” but like…what if i did haha
#my stuff
#dear diary and the several thousand mfs who can see it. Despite arguably good academic performance today feels like a bad day
#bc i skipped lab to take a nap
#and i feel lonely and incapable of connecting more than superficially with my classmates
#like i can talk to them and i do and we get along well but i never…hang out w em
#or at least not as much as they seem to without me
#it’s not a malicious thing i think a huge part of it is groups of ppl living or working in the same space
#and i’m in a different lab building than a lot of ppl
#idk…struggling to find anything that sparks joy. unable to see the future with optimism
#it’s just day after day of Job where i’ll beat myself up on weekends if i don’t do Even More Work
#bc that’s the nature of grad school. always homework or literature review to do like i give a shit abt the latter
#i don’t care what other people are doing i don’t wanna obsessively comb through journals to make sure i’m doing Brand New Shit
#i want it to stop
#i don’t want to read anymore. i don’t wanna have to worry about my job outside of work.
#i want to cry and scream and
#like i don’t wanna quit after i worked so hard to get here
#i don’t wanna wuss out
#but i’m always tired. i’m never rested or relaxed or truly enjoying myself
#why is this only hard for me…how tf is everyone else able to read and remember and understand this much??
#like yeah maybe i should be on adhd meds but those are fuckin spensive and a pain in the ass to get
#i’m tired of being tough
#i want to curl into a ball and be told it’s going to be okay and that i can rest and have it not be a lie or a half measure
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