So far so good

So far so good. My period date came and gone. Up to now I had no bleeding (which is a massive relief), all my tests came back within normal range (which surprised me), got an appointment with a midwife next Wednesday and a consultant on Wednesday after that. The letter containing my blood test/swab results infuriated me. I only received it today (almost 3 weeks after they were taken, and over a week since doctor got them back), and all it basically said is "your results are within normal range, seen as you're pregnant we suggest you get your GP to refer you for a scan and more bloodwork" I have chased the secretary for that. She was not allowed to tell me all was fine, so I was worried sick it meant theres something wrong. But no, it's all good. She just couldn't say a thing. Don't get me wrong I'm happy it's all good, but they could have spared me so much stress if they said it's all good. Most importantly I do have an early scan scheduled for this Monday. Everything being well we might see our baby and a tiny heartbeat on Monday. I'm starting to get used to the idea of being pregnant... My breast are soooooo sore, I need to pee every 2 seconds, I'm aching all over, my sense of smell is through the roof, and I occasionally get nauseous. I must have done 20+ pregnancy tests. First cause I could not believe I was actually pregnant, then just to reassure myself that they are getting stronger (which they are). I do have a good feeling about this one. I pray it sticks....

Waiting is a torture

Just like I thought the last pregnancy ended in miscarriage... Not really unexpected considering. I started spotting, and then it progressed. It was done just few days after Christmas. Merry bloody Christmas to us. 

I did however manage to get what I wanted, I got referral to specialist. We got the appointment letter quite soon (just after new year), and had said appointment Monday just gone. 

The doctor I have seen was lovely. Didn’t even have to wait forever to be seen. I was expecting something a bit more invasive to be frank. We just had a chat about the miscarriages, any health conditions I have etc. I had 10 vials of blood taken, some swabs, and been told to phone them in couple of days for the results. 

I’ve been told that my next pregnancy will be consultant led, and if it was to go same way the previous ones did, they will carry out genetic testing on fetus. Other than that I’ve been told to carry on as normal. 

I have rang the doctors today asking after the results. Unfortunately doctor has not reviewed them yet, so I could not get any answers whatsoever. They will ring/send a letter once they reviewed the results. 

Waiting is a torture... I have done loads of my own research into possible causes of miscarriages. I have read everything I could find. I know the most common cause of miscarriage is an APS - an autoimmune disorder. I know the treatment for that is quite easy, 75mg aspirin daily from the positive pregnancy test, and then heparin injections once fetus has a heartbeat. 

Other than that it could be thyroid issues, maybe diabetes, possibly hormonal imbalance. I know they have took blood to check  them all. 

The thing is... Again I got a faint positive today. I’m still 3 days before my period. It is really really early, but it seems like I am pregnant again... 

All I can do is wait. Wait for the doctor to call. Wait for the period date to come and go. 

Wait, wait, wait. 

Waiting is a torture 

I'm supposed to be happy now...

This year has been a rollercoaster, I've met the love of my life, we've moved in together to our lovely apartment, couple days after that found out we are expecting our first baby. We both were over the moon. Joy didn't last too long, cause I've miscarried the first baby. It crushed me, I got really depressed and stayed off work for few weeks just too get myself better.

My boss, decided that since I got pregnant I will try to have another baby soon (he wasn't wrong) and made me redundant. It pushed me deeper into my depression.

Few months went past, the love of my life was supporting me in every single way he could. We've got our second positive pregnancy test. We were happy but cautious this time. Few days after we got married I miscarried again.

I took this miscarriage a bit better than the first one. Don't get me wrong I'm heartbroken, but I know there was nothing we could have done to stop it, and nothing we've done caused it.

Physically I bounced back fairly quickly. One cycle after I got pregnant again. We've found out on Boxing Day, even though I've knew few days before.

I know we're supposed to be happy now. But I'm afraid I will have another miscarriage now. I'm supposed to be happy to be pregnant again. I know it is a massive blessing that I can even get pregnant. I am absolutely, completely terrified.

I'm expecting it to end it the same way as the previous two ended. I went to doctors to have it confirmed so if it does end, I will have grounds to be referred to a specialist. However cynical it seems, I find comfort in it. If I have another miscarriage we will find out why. We will be able to get some answers...