the scene in epel's second birthday vignette where floyd gave him the watch absolutely ruined me btw. like ik not everybody headcanons epel as trans but as someone who does it just put such a fine point on his struggle with being seen as masculine, like a fancy wristwatch wouldnt particularly help him look strong enough to overcome his bullies or whatever its literally just. something a man would own. and he gets so overjoyed. because he consistently has to *prove* that he wants to be masculine despite his appearance; even more sensitive characters like deuce take a while to catch on to the fact, and then here he gets the watch as a gift & gets called handsome without asking for it. even though its a happy scene it fucked me up so bad 😭
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reblogged a post with this line (from marie howe's "the teacher") in february 2023 and said it was probably the question of the year...interesting to think back on now after feeling like some things have really settled into the best possible place w the 23 year old in the last week. i've been going back and forth on some things all year - what does it feel like to be in love vs not, does it matter, what are my motivations for doing x y or z, how do i feel about this or that, what does it mean to be happy and am i capable of actually feeling it, what does it mean to meet someone and have so many pieces of your life begin to revolve around them so quickly, and is that codependence or some kind of substitute for something, etc etc etc. basically just analyzed things to death and back over and over again every week of every month for nearly a year. weird bad times in a lot of ways, and i do feel kind of insane for it, but i finally concluded the other day that the semantics of all of it don't matter that much to me, and that some relationships and circumstances have multiple ways of being fulfilling, and the important thing is to pick a way and stop waffling and worrying about the others...
anyway i think this is probably the question of 2024 too, because i still haven't really answered it, but it feels much less fraught than it did a year ago. the feelings are separate from the actions, and the actions feel righter than ever.
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ya girl is going on vacation! That said, I won't be as active for the next week. Mwah!
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having trouble rendering this in a manner im satisfied with (have hidden my rendering layers . lol) but i like the sketch. gn
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