#and i am VERY nervous cause its an advanced musical theater class | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lady-nevermore · 7 years

Text

I’ve decided, in correlation with writing about my therapy sessions via my “Therapy-Blog”, that I wanted to also write these so-called letters to no-one (in order to help me vent, look back in hindsight, let go of the past, or simply just to look back fondly on / reminiscence).

….Dunno If I’m gonna tell my therapist about these Letters (I’ll probably will, since one of the main reasons I have high anxiety levels, not to mention agoraphobia, when it comes to me barely leaving my house, is mostly due to the fact that I’m terrified of facing my old high-school friends again.

…..I’m afraid of what they’ll think once they know what’s become of me after all these damned years (these damned 7-9 long-ass years); I fear the confrontation that will occur between them and myself after my depression lead me to the choice of just cutting them all off and out of my life like that (trust me they have every right to feel pissed/angry….they were, maybe even still are, probably worried sick for me going off the grid like that). And worse still, I think, I might fear their want for reconnecting with them and seeing their disappointment in me as well as their pity for me instead.

Disclaimer: The people whom I’ll be writing these letters to will remain anonymous for obvious reasons, nor will I actually be sending (or wanting for them to read) these so-called letters (hence why I’m calling/tagging these as “Letters to No One”….but yeah, anyways, you get the gist, so let’s begin.

Dear C***** (Codename: Cisco-Kid)...due to the fact that you always loved SF and I remember you telling me of how it was always your biggest dream of living there someday).

Dear Cisco-Kid,

I can definitely say that you were among one of my closest friends (in real life that is); and I don’t think that you ever really knew what i was going through towards the end there, before I fell off the grid so to speak (i never really told anyone in our group of friends nor you, about my messed-up past, or of my struggling anxiety/depression issues...hell I didn’t even realize that was what I was struggling with all this time, so yeah, not really at least....I mean i did tell you (among our group of friends) very vaguely/briefly that i suspected that i might have long-term depression, but I never went into greater detail....I remember cause everyone in our group, including you, reacted to that with stone-cold silence (Besides Panda-Boy, who was probably the only one who gave me a gentle look of understanding)...but yeah.

We met during our freshmen year of highschool (and we just got closer as best friends from then on out), and even though we may have butted heads from time to time (via our differing viewpoints of how we perceived the world....me starting to become more liberal/open-minded towards the end of high-school, and you still being sort of moderate/conservative), but we still had some pretty good times in the past, at least that’s what I choose to remember back fondly on.

Its funny, cause looking back, we didn’t really have all that much in common really: I was (and still am) obsessively really into anime/manga, harry potter, pirates of the caribbean, star trek, a number of my other nerdy fandoms, etc.... whilst you on the other hand weren’t really a huge nerd to begin with (you were waaaay more casual about things and were into rap/hip-hop/r&b music, converse shoes / hat brands, and playing Call of Duty/Grand Theft Auto). And into more casual, non-nerdy stuff like that.

What I find ironic is how we ended up really bonding and establishing our friendship in the first place: Over Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, I remember cuase at the time it was just coming out and as we were both walking from our Math class during our freshmen year of high school, and we started talking about it and how we were both hella stoked/excited about playing and beating it (hell we even started a competitive race to see how long it took each of us to beat it: You vs Me, in successfully completing and beating the game); it took us an entire month and it was really damned close, but you ended up beating it first by like a day or two before me. Good Times! xD

We had some really good times you, me, and Wolf (our trio always spent a lot of time together during our high school and after-school days); We’d hang-out at a lot of local places near our high-school, like: Starbucks, Yo-Sushi, or just chilling at you or Wolf’s place after school. Hell, remember that time we tried to sneak soft-drinks and snacks into the movie theater, but this one security mall-cop kept getting in the way (tbh, I think the security mall cop had a lot of fun trying to chase us off). lol xD I also, remember all those times of how we used to have three-way phone-call conversations between the three of us: Me, you and Wolf (as well as discovering/using AIM, My Space and later on FaceBook when they were first starting to become a thing) and us three just talking/chatting about a lot of stuff: Helping each other with homework mostly, listening and giving advice to each other in regards to personal and silly high-school teenage problems: like dealing with high-school drama or crushes, but also just having deep-ass philosophical conversations about everything and nothing (sometimes with Panda-boy in the mix as well); those were some pretty good and fun times for sure! ^-^

And as you’ve have mentioned to me in the past, I’ve seen you through a lot of personal things together: You puking all over yourself (whilst driving/dropping me off to class at our local community college one morning) cause you had a horrible hangover and me being the mother-hen that I am, was hella concerned, asking if you were okay, I’ve seen you piss yourself (after you not being able to hold it in) after not being able to make it in time when we were walking to your house after school, Hell, I even remember the time you accidently shat yourself in class (and I helped excuse you from our advanced english composition class, after telling our teacher that you needed to urgently use the restroom); I remember cause afterwards, you were laughing your ass off with a huge-ass mischievous grin on your face, whilst telling me that you had to leave your soiled boxers on the toilet seat (we were both laughing in hysterics by that point). xD

....Hell you’re also probably one of the only friends whom i told that I was seriously questioning myself in regards towards my sexual orientation, and you took it well or at least i think you did (though it did get sorta annoying that you kept asking me if I thought that each girl that passed us by was hot/cute...and I may have sheepishly/bashfully humored you once or twice and gave you my thoughts on the matter) but regardless, you were surprisingly supportive nonetheless, and that really meant alot to me. ^^;

Hell, you’re also probably the only friend who has ever seen me cry (unintentionally to be sure) but the nonetheless you handled that moment with a gentle grace; you were concerned for me and kept asking me if I was okay whilst you even helped wiping a few of my tears, as I was was silently crying during class (because our Multi-Media teacher sorta lost his cool and yelled at our class). It was really sweet of you though, and I thank you for being there for me during that awkward yet vulnerable moment; it’s really rare for me to even allow myself to be that vulnerable around anyone (especially if it’s in front of a close-loved one or friend). But I really did appreciate it.

I also remember how at one point, you had asked me if I was feeling like I was getting tired of our friendship; at the time (we were seniors/or had just graduated from high-school at the time I think) and I said No, and I reassured you that, that wasn’t the case at all.

^^^Keep in mind, this was well before our group of friends started to drift apart and well before the passing of my mentor/friend which was the catalyst that lead me to fail my community-college classes and drop out of community college leaving me in a pit of despair that had me falling into a deep deep depression/had a nervous breakdown that lead me to the choice of isolating myself/cutting everyone out of my life....trust me this is something I’m not proud of, if anything, I sort of ...even though it’s beens like 8 years now.... still regret/feel remorse and sometimes have a hard time forgiving myself for making such a cowardly choice). .....I also remember you telling me years back, and i remember this clearly, of how you didn’t approve of friends just “dropping you” out of their lives.

....Which is why, I think....No, I know that you’re one of the ones I’m the most afraid to reconnect with/confront the most especially after all these years; mostly because I’m afraid that you’ll be soo damn angry/pissed off at me (and rightfully so) that I went off the grid and turned my back on all our friends like that, and that you'll reject me and the idea of rekindling our friendship right off the bat; we’ve been through so much together...but at the same time, I also can’t deny that, despite it all, we were already drifting apart towards the end there anyways.

...And to be even more honest, i’m not even sure if I personally, still even want to reconnect. It’s been what, like 4-8 years since we’ve last seen each other, and we’re probably not the same people we used to be: I’ve become more liberal-minded/open-minded, and even more of a nerd in these past long-ass years, and you’re probably still not fond of liberal views and remain conservative/moderate in yours. There’s also the fact that you and I probably don’t even have any similar interests or anything all that in common anymore either (so small talk would be awkward as fuck, that along with the fact that due to my agoraphobia/anxiety issues, I’ve practically done nothing with my life since we last saw each other, and you finding out I’ve been going through therapy will definitely make things a helluva lot more awkward between us to be sure....and I don’t think I’m ready for that conversation just yet).

....And what’s more..... even though I’m not entirely opposed to the idea of reconnecting in the future (hell, I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t even want to, like I said, If I can’t even forgive myself, I’m sure you are even less likely to).... Well, to be perfectly honest, I sorta selfishly really want to/would much rather let go and move on from that stage of my life (cuz it feels like I’ve been stuck, living in the past for 8 years now....and my soul just feels soo damn weary of it all) and the concept of starting anew, meeting new friends, (which in a way I already have, with those I chat with here, thanks to tumblr) and just begin a new chapter of my life, really does sound a helluva lot more appealing, than dwelling on the past or dealing with opening that can of worms from our past (just in order to reconnect again). *sigh* -___-;

So yeah, i just want to apologize...I’m sorry if I hurt you (and the memory of me or our friendship hurts you to think about)... but I know that I can at least say that I don’t regret our friendship and that I can look back real fondly on our past friendship (and I hope you can too), in a sort of: “chuckling to myself with a huge ass smile” sorta way; we had several good, hell even great times together, and I will forever be glad and feel really fortunate of having met you all those years ago. You may not have known it, but you, like several of our other friends, have definitely made my life that much brighter and richer, and for that I thank you Cisco-Kid! :)

So yeah, I hope that you managed to accomplish all your dreams (and that you are having the time of your life living it up in SF like how you always dreamed of and told me you wanted to by age 25), but seriously though, thank you, thank you for our friendship and for all the great times (and now great memories) that we had. ^_^

Yours SIncerely (Your former High School Best-Friend),

Lady Nevermore

#Letters to No One #Dear Cisco-Kid #personal #therapy side blog #letters to people I knew in the past (old high school friends / Mentors / Etc).

0 notes