20 Seconds of Courage -Part 20

The Elementalists au

Beckett x mc (Oriana)

Words: 3183

Warnings: Sensitive topics such as death, rape, drugs.

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 There's probably just going to be one more chapter to this series.

As soon as Beckett got home and realized Oriana was nowhere to be found, he called the police.  “What do you mean, there’s nothing you can do?” He demanded. “She’s missing!!”

“Sir, I understand your frustration, however, she’s not considered a missing person until there’s been no contact for 48 hours. Being gone for only a few hours means she could have turned off her phone and gone shopping.”

“No!” He shouted angrily. “She wouldn’t do that, you need to do something!!”

“You may come down to your local precinct and meet with a detective there, however, they will tell you the same thing. But at least you can start the process.” The police officer on the phone told him.

Beckett hung up, seeing red. He called the Detective he’d spoken to about Katrina while he was in the hospital with Oriana.

“You’ve reached the voicemail of Detective Blanc. Please leave a detailed message and I will call you as soon as I am able.”

“This is Beckett Harrington, we met the other day at the hospital. Oriana Miller is missing; call me back!”

He was furious and didn’t know where else to turn. No one had seen her since she left the office. It was like she vanished into thin air, and he had the worst feeling in the pit of his stomach. He knew that if he didn’t find her soon, she’d be gone forever, and he couldn’t accept that fate. He couldn’t let Jason win after all this time, let him take another person he loved away from him. He wouldn’t survive it. He wouldn’t even want to. It took him three years to finally open up to someone…and now his past was coming back to haunt him, as if it didn’t enough already. And this time, he didn’t have a clue where to start. He sank down on his couch and buried his face in his hands. It’s all his fault. If he’d never met her, she wouldn’t be in danger right now. If he’d never pursued her, she’d be living out her life in safety. He knows he needs to get up, needs to do something, anything…but he’s frozen in place, terror coursing through his veins. He was completely helpless for the first time in his life, and the more he thought about how he needed to find her, the more his body seemed to be shutting down. He was paralyzed in fear.

Oriana looked Michael square in the eye as he rose his gun back up and put his finger on the trigger.

“Goodbye Oriana.”

She squeezed her eyes shut and let out a scream as the gunshot rang out, the house falling still as a candle fell over and lit the curtains on fire. But she was still aware of everything. She wasn’t in pain. After a brief moment of silence, there were suddenly voices sounding from everywhere all at once. She peeked out of one eye before the other flew open and she gasped as she took in the sight before her. There were at least a dozen armed police bursting into the room. One was putting out the fire, three were tending to Michael, who lay motionless on the floor, and now several more were heading towards her.

“Ma’am? Ma’am, are you alright? Can you tell me your name?” One of them was speaking to her as another took Jason’s pulse, shaking his head to yet another man when he found none. Together, they rolled Jason off of her. She felt like she couldn’t talk. Where did all these people come from? Where was Beckett? Surely he’s the one that managed to find her…he always finds her.

“Wh-where’s Beckett? Is he okay?”

“Sorry, Ma’am, I don’t know who that is. I’m Officer McMillan. Can you tell me your name? Do you know how you got here?”

He began untying her carefully, starting with her hands, and then she untied one leg as he did the other. She kept looking around the room, and the office spoke into his radio. “How many ambulances are on their way?”

His radio beeped and a voice crackled through. “One is pulling up on scene, two more are en-route, eta ten minutes.

“Thanks.” He turned back to her, helping to her feet. “Come with me. There’s an ambulance downstairs.”

As they moved across the room, Oriana’s eyes landed on Michael again. His skin was ashen, and his chest had a bullet wound. His gun had already been picked up and placed in an evidence bag. The officer kept trying to get her to speak, but she couldn’t help but continue to look at everything around her. She was in an old decrepit house, where the wallpaper was peeling, and floorboards creaking. It was cold and drafty, and the stairs were missing half of the railing. Once downstairs she could tell that at some point this must have been a grand house. The ceilings were high, the floors, although stained, were hardwood, the trimming looked to be mahogany. But at some point, someone had stopped caring for it, and if fell into dilapidation. Finally being ushered out the front door, Oriana gaped at the dozens of cars pulled into a long driveway and all over the grass, with more coming.

A moment later, two paramedics rushed to her side with a stretcher, one of them wrapped a blanket around her shoulders. “Name?”

“She hasn’t given one yet.”

“O…Oriana Miller. My name is Oriana Miller.” She told them quietly. “Where’s Beckett?”

“She keeps asking for someone named Beckett. We’re not sure who he is or his relation to the crime yet.”

“What? He has nothing to do with this!” Oriana shrieked. “Didn’t he send you??”

“Ms. Miller, we’re going to put you on this stretcher and take you to the hospital. There’s a lot of blood, where were you hurt?”

“I…I wasn’t…um…a couple scratches…”

“The majority is not her blood.” Officer McMillan explained.

As she laid onto the stretcher, she looked back at the cop. “How did you find me? How did you get here?”

“An officer is going to meet you at the hospital to take your statement and answer any questions you have.”

“But…”

Officer McMillan was already striding away, and Oriana cursed under her breath as the stretcher was loaded into the ambulance. The EMTs were nice enough, taking all her vitals and bandaging up the cuts Jason had made with his knife. But she refused to answer any questions without getting some answers herself. After what seemed like an eternity, they finally pulled into a hospital and she was steered into the Emergency Department. As Oriana was moved from the gurney onto a bed, she recognized the policewoman walking towards her as one of the ones that she met with the last time she was in the hospital.

Detective Blanc smiled sadly at her. “Oriana, I’m so sorry to meet again under these circumstances.”

“Please. Tell me what is going on.” Oriana begged.

The woman pulled up a chair next to her bed. “I was told to come here and take someone’s statement, I just found out it was you. Before we get started…I have several voicemails from Mr. Harrington. Is it okay with you if I tell him where you are right now?”

“Yes! Please!” She cried.

The officer nodded and pulled her phone out, dialing Beckett’s number. “Mr. Harrington, this is Detective Blanc. We’ve located Ms. Miller.”

Oriana made a grab for her phone. “Beck?? I’m okay. I’m at the hospital, please hurry!” She breathed a sigh of relief when Beckett’s voice sounded through the other end of the receiver.

“Thank God. I’m on my way.”

She handed the phone back to the Detective. “I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t have done that.”

The woman smiled. “Under the circumstances I’ll allow it. Try it again, however, you’ll be in trouble.”

“Worth it.” Oriana grinned. “Please, tell me what happened. I mean…I know what happened…but how did the police know to go there?”

“Jason Mulvaney has been under investigation for several months. A few days ago, after Mr. Harrington told us about his sister’s death, he provided us with the bracelet, along with other materials he had gathered over the years. Bank statements, text messages, phone recordings, maps. The amount of research he put in is really quite impressive. You’re aware Jason was recently engaged and fathering a child with a woman named Lisa?”

Oriana nodded.

“Lisa’s family is extremely well off. In fact, there’s a lot of similarities between them and the Harrington’s. Her father thought Mr. Mulvaney was after Lisa’s money, and he hired a private investigator, without telling anyone. The investigator unearthed a large number of suspicious activity, and when cross-referenced with disappearances and deaths in the locations he’s be in…a pattern developed. It was well-hidden, he did a good job covering his tracks. The investigator was tailing him today. He saw Jason arrive at the old mansion on Dewey, unload what looked to be bedding, and go inside. A couple hours later, Michael arrived and also went inside. About an hour after that, Michael went back out and removed a body from the trunk of his car. That body turned out to be you, unconscious. The private investigator was using high-tech equipment and recorded every word that was said inside that house. He immediately phoned the police.”

“But I…I thought I was there a long time.” Oriana puzzled.

“Right now the thought is, Jason set up his idea of a beautiful murder scene while Michael grabbed you off the street. Exactly how we’re not sure yet’ we’re hoping the doctors can determine if you were given anything. Do you remember anything about how you got there?”

Oriana shook her head. “I don’t. I remember leaving my office after quitting my job, I went outside…I think maybe I flagged a car? I…I’m not sure.”

“That’s okay. At least you didn’t lose your memory of the entire day.”

“Or more.” Oriana muttered.

“Ori!”

Her snapped over to see Beckett running full speed towards her, dodging anyone that came in his path. “Ori thank god!!!”

Her eyes welled up with tears that spilled over, yet she couldn’t stop grinning at seeing him. He dashed to her side, climbed next to her in the bed and wrapped her in his arms tightly.

“I was so worried.” He cried. “I knew it, I knew he had you.” He took in her blood-stained slip, his face turning pale. “Are you hurt? I’ll kill him! Why isn’t anyone tending to your wounds yet?” He looked at the Detective. “What happened? Where is he?”

The woman rose her eyebrows. “First, the blood on Ms. Miller’s clothing is not hers. Second, Mr. Harrington, threatening someone’s life is a serious offense. I could take you into custody right now, except…”

“Except he’s already dead.” Oriana finished. “Michael shot him.”

Beckett gasped. “Mi-Michael? From Adams?”

At that moment a doctor arrived, greeting the three of them warmly. “I need to take Ms. Miller to get some tests done, but I promise she’ll be back in no time.”

“Can he come with me?” Oriana asked in a small voice.

The doctor nodded. “He can, yes, but he’ll need to wait outside the couple of rooms you’ll be going in, for security, safety, and sanitation purposes.”

“Anything. As long as she’s not alone.” Beckett said quickly. “I’ll go wherever you tell me.”

“I’m so sorry to interrupt, but I’m afraid I need to bag her clothes as evidence. And I need to be present to record any hidden wounds and treatment.” Detective Blanc told the doctor. “May she be given a gown to change into?”

“Of course, just one moment.”

The doctor left, returning just a minute later with a gown. “If you both want to accompany me, she can change when she reaches the lab.”

“Perfect.” The detective told him.

“Very well. Let’s go.”

Beckett stood up from the bed as rails were put up so it could be rolled away. He couldn’t believe the amount of blood she was covered in. What happened? What has she been through? Even if she’s physically fine…mentally she may not be.

Arriving at their first stop, he waited outside the door while Oriana and the policewoman went inside with the doctor. An hour later they came back out, the stained slip in a bag held by the detective, and Oriana now in a clean hospital gown. “What did you test for?” He demanded. “What kind of bloodwork takes an hour?”

“Ms. Miller can tell you later if she prefers. Legally, I cannot.” The doctor informed. “We’re going to take her for an MRI in case there’s any head trauma., and then we’ll move her back into her room as we wait for the results. Depending on what those results are, she’ll be released or admitted.”

The air whooshed out of his lungs and he felt faint. The police officer caught his arm. “This is going to take awhile. Are you sure you want to come? You might be more comfortable somewhere else?”

“No.” He said flatly.

“I don’t want him to leave.” Oriana agreed; Beckett shooting her a grateful look.

As Oriana was wheeled away again, this time to a cold room with a large machine inside, Beckett followed behind while talking to Detective Blanc, who informed him of the events of the night.

“I don’t know the complete details, but she’s been through quite an ordeal. But, thanks to your previous research, as well as the research the private investigator did, as well as the recordings he took…Mr. Mulvaney confessed to your sister’s death before he met his demise. I keep getting more snippets of information throughout my time here tonight, but for a full account…I still need to take Oriana’s statement. We’ll be going to a private room after her MRI, where can take down the events of tonight while we wait for her test results. You are more than welcome to sit in, however, she will need to grant that permission.”

“Whatever she wants.” Beckett whispered.

The detective looked at him sympathetically. “Beckett…whatever happened tonight…there are unsolved cases going back years that may be related to the men who took Oriana today. It’s going to take time to sort through, but we’ll get there.”

Beckett sank down onto a chair. “I can’t believe this. This only happened to her because she’s involved with me.”

“No, that’s where you’re wrong. It’s been recorded multiple times that she was used as a decoy. Which means she was targeted long before you came to town. For what it’s worth…you being involved with her probably saved her life on more than one occasion. Also, she’s only been asking for you.”

Beckett stared at the woman in shock as she joined Oriana inside the room. He ran his fingers through his hair, taking deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. After what seemed like an eternity, everyone came back out. Oriana grinned seeing him again, reaching for his hand. He took it immediately, walking alongside her bed as it was wheeled to another part of the hospital and into a private room. As Detective Blanc took her statement, Beckett listened in horror at everything that had transpired while he couldn’t find her. She broke down several times, wracked with sobs, and his heart broke for her. When she finally finished, she signed the affidavit.

“I’ll give you a few minutes.” The detective told them, exiting the room.

“Oriana…” Beckett breathed. “What you’ve been through during these past few months…I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

Her eyes still glistening, she pulled him into the bed with her, burying herself into him. “I’m okay.”

“You don’t have to lie to me.” He murmured. “Being drugged was trauma enough…Ori…someone was murdered right in front of you. On top of you. That’s not simply okay.”

She let out a watery chuckle. “Physically I’m okay. Mentally…I’m going to need help. And patience while I get it. You’re right…in that sense…I’m not okay. And I don’t know when I will be.”

“What can I do?”

She looked up into his eyes. “I want to leave.”

His face fell. “I know, sweetheart. And as soon as the doctor comes back…”

“No, you misunderstand. I want to leave. I don’t want to live here anymore. I want to move far away from here, where no one knows me.”

Beckett felt shattered. “I…I can arrange for your transportation and get you set up wherever you want.”

She furrowed her eyebrows. “Aren’t you going to come?”

“You…you still want to be with me? After all of this? Ori…”

“I love you, Beckett. Please don’t leave me.”

He gave her an incredulous look. “Ori, I am yours for as long as you want me. I’ll do anything, give you anything…we can move to an entirely different continent if you want to.”

He kissed her gently, savoring every second of it, until a knock came at the door, and the doctor came back in.

“Ms. Miller, I have your test results. I have already been over them with the police.” He looked pointedly at Beckett.

“Please just tell me. I’ll sign a form if you need me to so you can say it in front of him.”

Beckett gave her a squeeze.

“Very well. You were given chloroform, that’s how they were able to subdue you, and why you had a splitting headache when you woke. There are no other drugs in your system. The initial results of the rape kit are negative, and the MRI showed no signs of head trauma. We’re going to be releasing you, as long as you’re okay with that.”

Beckett stiffened at the word ‘rape’, while Oriana nodded to bring the release forms. The doctor left again, closing the door behind him.

“Ori, you didn’t mention that you were…”

“I wasn’t raped. I…I almost was. Twice.” She whispered. “But, since I was unconscious as well, I guess it’s standard protocol to run a rape kit. Because it…it could have happened when…” She broke off, tears filling up her eyes again. “Can we just go home, please? I want to go home.”

“Home it is. When everything is over, Ori, just pick a place anywhere in the world, and we’ll go. I swear it.”

“I’m so sorry about your sister. You were right the whole time.” She sobbed.

“Hey, Ori, look at me.” He placed a finger under her chin and lifted her head to meet her gaze. “I will always miss my sister. But I don’t have to miss you. And I am so incredibly grateful for that. I love you more than I can ever tell you. When Katrina died…I died right along with her. You brought me back to life, Oriana. And I can’t thank you enough. And if she were here…she would be absolutely crazy about you, just like I am. I told you I saw the world when I looked at you. I just didn’t realize at the time…that you are my world.”

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Imagine Dean meeting you when he was living with Lisa and being unable to get you off his mind because he fell hopelessly in love with you, more than with any other woman. So much that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

“Dean?”

His body froze, it felt like everything automatically shut down. Every single cell stopped functioning. Or maybe, it felt as if everything came back to life but he was so used to feeling empty- no, even better, he was used to his heart feeling empty and constantly longing for that one true and unconditional love he never actually got to himself from a significant otherthat he thought he heard it wrong. That this was his wildest dream finally having taken up so much of his mind that he was seeing it with open eyes too.

“Dean?”

But then he heard it again and he just could swear it couldn't be a dream or his hopes getting the best of him. He could recognize that voice and the way it spoke his name anywhere in the world, simply because no other person could make his heart leap like that to his throat. He could recognize it anywhere because even after all these years he had no forgotten how it sounded. Not after countless nights of dreams filled with that sweet voice saying his name in any and every way beautiful way possible. Not after countless nights were he woke up panting, his heart soaring in his chest until he looked by his side and the bed was empty. Not after countless nights spent only with the a deep longing to have you in his arms and an equally deep disappointment when he realized it was all just a dream. He only held onto those dreams and the beautiful memories to keep him going.

But he couldn't admit it, especially not after all these years.

“Dean, is that you?” it was soft, barely spoken above a whisper.

As much as he didn't want to look like an idiot, his body instinctively felt the need to turn and look in the direction it came from, as if every fiber in his body was pulled towards you. Part of him feared it was his own wishful thinking but when he actually looked into those eyes, all air was knocked out of his lungs just like that first time.

“(Y/n)?”

“Oh my gosh.” you clasped a hand over your mouth, the small breathless laugh managing to swip him right off his feet “It's really you.” you went to hug him but stopped mid-way, your smile falling a bit just like his heart which craved the hug so bad. But he understood your reasons very well, he had just vanished into thin air and never gave you a reason why, you probably didn't even want to see him again “I'm- I'm sorry if I'm interrupting, I guess that you probably wanna be left alone or someth-”

“No” he breathed out faster and more urgently than he ever had in his entire life “No, no by no means. It's-” he let out a small shaky breath “It's really good to see you.”

And, despite not knowing the whole truth that slipped into his words, you let out a sigh of relief and smiled “It sure is very good to see you again too, Dean. I- I missed you.”

The fondness in your words and softness in your voice, the way you smiled at him and your eyes shone again in that beautiful pure way made you look like the ray of sunshine he had met years ago and still believed shone brighter than the sun itself. He didn't even realize it when his lips pulled into a smile of their own that had never felt more real, the wrinkles that appeared by his eyes proving it. His eyes moved back and forth, taking all of you in as if you'd disappear any given moment, yours doing the same.

He only gazed at you, taking in every small detail and compared it to the image in his head that he felt so sad to admit had started to fade from his made. Or it wasn't at least as sharp as he wanted it to. He savored every small change and similarity, feelings that not many things had changed the more he got to look at you. You were and, proved, you would always be gorgeous. And very so capable of taking his breath away.

You didn't mind it when he didn't speak, even silence with Dean had always felt so comfortable. Nor minded the funny looks you got from the man standing next to him, whom in all honesty you hadn't looked at for more than 5 seconds. He looked back and forth at the two of you, shifting a bit in his place. He earned your attention, making you blink and you gave him a polite smile which he returned. You looked at Dean as if asking for him to introduce you, but he was still so caught staring you that he had to clear his throat and give him a look in hopes that he'd get it.

Dean blinked, looking at him and then back at you “Oh uh yeah. Right. This uhm this is Sam. Sam, this is (Y/n). She's... a friend. A really good friend.”

The younger Winchester couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at his brother, but the whole scene before him had seemed surreal so he went with it anyway. He extended his hand for you to shake just like you did “Nice to meet you (Y/n).”

“It's great to meet you too, Sam.” you offered him a smile before a small frown formed “Sam. Like- like Dean's brother? You look a lot like him, at least based on Dean's descriptions. But I- I thought you- you lost him, didn't you?” you glanced at Dean.

“No, yeah. Of course. This is just-” his eyes widened, almost having forgotten that he met you when Sam was in hell and he... well, he was with Lisa.

“I'm a colleague. Of Dean's.” Sam offered a tight-lipped smile, putting you a bit more at ease “Wilson. Sam Wilson. Not-not someone that came back from the dead.”

“Of course.” a small laugh left your lips “Of course, that would make a lot more sense than the dead rising. That- that was so stupid of me to ask, I'm sorry.” you shook your head.

“No, it's- it's fine.” Sam said a bit awkwardly, when he realized his brother wasn't going to say a word anytime soon “You two know each other?”

“We-” your eyes met Dean's for a brief moment “We're good friends.”

“Friends?” Sam questioned with a small laugh of his own and very soon it dawned on you.

“Oh oh no, just- Just friends. Friends. Well, maybe Dean is maybe a big fan of my pie too, so there's that.” you shrugged with a small laugh and he smiled, nodding his head.

“Sounds like him.” he nodded his head “You- you live in the town, (Y/n)?”

“Yeah uh been livin' here for a couple years now. Got a job offer I couldn't say no to and even got my own house, not the dog yet sadly but I'm planning on it. 'S all good. It's stable. You guys are here for work or something? Wh-what is it that you do now?”

“It's uh well- it's-” Sam struggled to come up with something, his brother's awestruck state not helping especially since he was the one that apparently knew you the best. Did you even know about the life? You seemed like someone Dean would tell everything to about himself but at the same time someone far too important to put in such danger. And you didn't seem like a hunter.

“You look great.” much to Sam's surprise Dean finally spoke and in a way helped in the situation.

Your eyes jumped to meet his eyes, slightly wide as a small tint of red dusted your cheeks and Sam was sure you had instantly forgotten all about your question; especially as Dean looked at you with such a warm and tender gaze. You looked down a bit shyly, smiling back up at him as you whispered a bit nervously “Well, I'm still as you remember. Nothing special b-but thank you. You- you look good too. I even-” you bit your lower lip “I thought I was never gonna see you again.”

“I- I wish things would have been different. I never wanted to leave like that and it's certainly nothing you did wrong. I was just-”

“In a bad place, I know.” the real understanding in your words and eyes instantly put his worries aside and his heart to rest. Well, sort of. It still skipped beats here and there. “I know, I don't blame you. I don't have the right to. It just makes me really happy to see you again.”

Dean shook his head softly at your words at first but as his lips parted for him to speak, no words came out because he didn't get the opportunity too. Your phone buzzed and as you checked the message your smile dropped, as did his heart. “My- my friend. I was supposed to be at her place after grocery shopping and-”

“You gotta go.” he couldn't help the disappointment that slipped both in his features and voice. His smile totally vanished. It was all too good to be true, and it was true, as it was. Didn't mean it would last long.

“I really wish I could stay longer. I'm- I'm so terribly sorry.” you whispered, the sadness that slipped into your voice was impossible to miss. It sort of made him feel better and, well, more hopeful. Because he wasn't the only one that wished this small moment could turn into forever.

“'S ok, princess. It's not your fault.” he shook his head, voice still tender as he gave a reassuring smile. It was far from ok, at least for him. After so long he'd gotten a real and deep breath of fresh air and he just wasn't ready to drown in the darkness that surrounded his life again. He wasn't ready to look away from those breath-taking eyes. “It was still great to see you after all this time. We- we should get going too, I guess. We'll just-” he couldn't swallow over the lump in his throat, the nervousness making everything even harder “We'll be in town for some time , if- if you-”

“I'd love to see you again.” you breathed out faster than you had in your life before and his shoulders relaxed a bit, the corners of his lips lifting into a smile “My house is not far from here. The town's small anyway and you can get there by foot. My weekends and evenings are usually free a-and I'm sure I've got-” you searched through your bag for the small pen and pad you kept, scribbling your number quickly and tearing the piece to hand it to him, his hand holding yours for a second longer than it was appropriate.

You tried to hide your smile, Dean holding his own breath, before you slowly pulled away and whispered a bit shyly and hesitantly “I- I'll just- wait for that call?”

“Sure thing.” it was breathless, like a small prayer, the way he'd whisper your name in his sleep or when he was alone in his bed at night. And now that prayer, that wish he hadn't dare admit wanted so bad to come true, stood before him and in his hand. And he didn't even hear the words himself from how loudly his own heart was beating in his own ears. A heart that he could swear stopped beating when a bright and wide smile spread on your lips and with a swift move you fell into his arm and hugged him.

But he knew that like a prayer, it was only something his soul craved so bad but his body would never get, he wasn't deemed worthy of you. So like every prayer, he just whispered the words for a second time with more pain as he cradledyour body in his arms.

“Sure thing.”

~*~

“Alright-” Sam cleared his throat, snapping his book shut and looking at his brother straight in the eyes – almost, at least, because the older Winchester refused to look at him just like he'd been doing for the past hours. Hell, he'd even volunteered to do extra research so that he could avoid the topic. “I've had enough with it. Spill.”

“Don't know what you're talkin' about.” he only mumbled, typing mindlessly on the computer. He had been doing so for hours and he knew that he'd be doing so for many more. Because it was all just images passing through, hell only colorsand words that didn't record for a split second. The only thing he could really see was your image, every detail, every small move and expression you made was forever imprinted in his mind.

“Oh you know very well what I'm talking about but you're just really good at hiding it.” he crossed his arms over his chest “What is it, Dean? What's the story you're not telling me?”

“Nothing.” he muttered, eyes still on the screen “No story.”

“No story? And you looked at each other like that? Come on, Dean, who are you fooling. Look if you don't wanna talk about I- I get it. I really get it and you could just tell me you don't want to and I'll accept that. I'm not trying to pry but I just-” he let out a small sigh “I have never seen you like this. Never. A-and I'm not saying it's a bad thing, no, it's actually so good I- I guess I only-” but he stopped himself.

His smile fell when he saw his brother had not even looked up at him and his smile fell “So that's how you gonna keep it up huh? Fine. Let me make another question then.” he straightened his back “When are you gonna call (Y/n)?”

At the mention of your name Dean's eyes jumped up to meet his brother's, his breath getting caught in his throat as he Sam smirk in satisfaction at the reaction he got. Instead Dean only let out a heavy sigh and as much as it hurt him to say it out loud he did, in a gruff voice “I won't be calling her, Sam.”

“What?” Sam's eyebrows shot up, surprise actually taking over his features “Why? I thought that you and her were- With the way you looked at each other I- I expected you to be trailing after her right then and there. Heck, she seemed like she wanted you to. What was it with you two that didn't-”

“There is no two, Sam.” he nearly growled, bitter but not with his brother “There never was a two in all this, and there was definitely no (Y/n) and I. We-” he felt his throat tighten.

“Dean?” this time he got worried and a bit sad “If you're scared that getting involved with her will put her in danger because of the life then- it's not worth losing something so... important. If you did it once then-”

“Yeah well that's the freakin' problem. I never did it, Sammy.” his voice nearly cracked “I never got the courage, I never got the chance. When I said there is no story I meant it. (Y/n) and I were never- we were never together. We were just friends... we, I guess, still are. And that's good, it's the way it should be. She doesn't- she's good, she's just so good she doesn't deserve this.”

“B-but how?” Sam blinked, truly perplexed “I- I thought- The way you acted around her isn't- It can't be just- That's not what you want, I know that.” his eyes moved back and forth and when he saw Dean clench his jaw and look down at the beer in his hand with such bitterness, he realized there was something more “Dean... what is it? There's something you're not telling me.”

His lower lip trembled and a shaky sighed escaped his lips “When I met (Y/n), I- I was in a really dark place. Everything had crumbled down. But that wasn't what's stopping me, no. She was- Gosh, Sammy you should have seen her. Right there at my door with that breathtaking smile, beautiful sundress, hair a mess from the wind, sparkling eyes and a smile that shook me to the core. Looked like she was the sun itself, heck even shone brighter. And I wanted that warmth so bad, I need it but I couldn't be-” he choked on his words, shaking his head and taking a bis sip of his beer “I never could. Because.... I was with Lisa.”

Sam's frown disappeared and his eyes almost widened. His shoulders fell and a small gasp left his lips “Oh no.”

“Apparently, oh yes.” Dean muttered bitterly, taking another swing of his drink “I was with Lisa and all I could think about was the girl that lived right down the street. But I- I couldn't stop it. Hell if I tried, Sammy. I knew it wasn't right a-and I knew Lisa didn't deserve a guy who-” he dragged a hand down his face “A guy who sleeps next to her and dreams about someone else. I- I didn't want to be that guy but my God, I couldn't get (Y/n) out of my head. They way she made me feel, I have never-”

But he stopped himself before he could get too carried away. Instead of feeling emotional he focused on the anger and disappointment he felt for himself “I slept with Lisa and all I could see was (Y/n)'s face. I tried to find so many excuses but I-”

“Do you think she knew? That they knew?”

“I never told (Y/n) a single thing. You saw it yourself, she has no idea. But Lisa-” he pursed his lips, shaking his head “We fought many times, and not all of them were about hunting or your return. I- I think she might've realized something or at least sensed it. I don't know, she seemed jealous many times that's for sure. And I just know I wasn't the same anymore and it showed. But we- we never-” he shook his head, swallowing thickly.

“I never even told her, she was too good for that. I- I couldn't make her the mistress, the other woman. Wasn't right for her but I... I was on the verge so many times. Showed up at her doorstep drunk many times too and she always took me in, Sam. Always. And she never asked a single thing. I never knew how she did it, but I guess it was what stopped me. She-” he rubbed his eyes “She had been cheated on before and told me it was one of the worst things that happened to her. Kept repeating how lucky Lisa was to have me because I would never do something like that to her. I just- I couldn't, Sammy.”

“And you... felt this way about her but never told her? Because of Lisa?”

“I- I honestly have no idea anymore.” he breathed out shakily, avoiding Sam's eyes “All I know is that (Y/n) was a story that took place only in my mind and it's better if I just leave it to-”

“Dean” Sam said much more firmly this time “No, just no. You can't leave it like this. Seeing her again must have meant something, it must have-” he paused “C-can I ask you something? If- if it came to... choosing. If it came to choosing between Lisa and (Y/n), if it came to having to be with just one, if you could go back in time and change it all... who would it be? Do you even know who you'd chose?”

Dean's lips parted but no words came out. His lower lip trembled and he closed it again. He looked out of the window for a good few seconds, as his eyes got glossy. He clenched his jaw and turned to face his brother, no words being needed for Sam to instantly under his answer.

His eyebrows shot up and a small gasp left Sam's lips “Oh wow.”

“In a freakin' heartbeat.” Dean breathed out in a raspy voice “Faster than a blink of an eye. I'd just- I'd take her, all of her. I'd grab her a-and even run away, Sammy. From all of this. I- I would take that leap into the unknown. I'd do it all better, I would be better for her. Everything she asked me. I would it all for (Y/n). Without a second thought.”

“Well-” Sam smiled softly at his brother, pushing Dean's phone closer to him “Here's your second chance.”

@bloodshadow213  Okay! This is actually the second ask I’ve gotten about Al in the last couple days.

 So I guess hopefully I’ll be able to help the Anon as well with the information.

    Al’s story is complicated. And 90% of it took place in V1 which means it’s laced with campy jargon, continuity errors, stories being told out of order and.... “””comics logic”””

WARNING, THIS IS REALLY LONG.

  It doesn’t help that a lot of Wiki data and other online sources on him are completely false. Most of them confuse him with his Astral Twin Alvin and they can’t even get his actual height correct EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE THE INFORMATION IN COMICS CLEAR AS DAY

if you’re going to WRITE THE ARTICLE could you please at least---   

 read the comics (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

  ahem.

   Despite that he’s one of my favorite characters, and so I’ve spent a LOT of time (YEARS) thinking about him so I’ll be the first to admit my interpretation of events is completely biased. I’ll do my best to separate concrete information from my headcanons.

anywho here’s Albert, HE’S..... HANDSOME.....

   Okay so Albert- he’s got a few split personalities. Mr. Element and Doctor Alchemy. He’s also got the power to transmute elements. Yes- another misconception is that Albert’s gun or the philosopher’s stone is where he gets his powers. And where it was apparently retconned that Al needs the Philosopher’s Stone for most of his existence that wasn’t the case. 

(and personally I still don’t believe that’s the case, because we’ve only ever seen ALVIN actively loose his powers when the stone is taken from him. And that might make sense once I get into who and what Alvin is. But let’s focus on Albert for now)

  Anyhow, yes Albert is a metahuman.

He got his powers from meteoric radiation beamed into his brain as an infant. And his powers and split personalities are linked somehow or somewhat with celestial activity.

Anywho, the Element Gun at the very least is more like a magic wand that he can use to channel his power through. And it’s actually useless in the hands of someone else.

  (I have a few headcanons that the Philosopher’s Stone might also be a meteorite- if not a larger piece of the meteorite that originally mutated him as a baby. Or it could be a figment of his imagination (link to headcanon).)

One thing that does seem consistent is that Albert’s powers are more or less suppressed and he has to assume one of his undesirable personalities to “unlock” them. 

BUT EVEN THAT’S NOT ALWAYS TRUE. Here’s Al saving a firefighter as Mister Element.  

(This isn’t the first time Mr. Element has been heroic, So it’s my headcanon that the Mister Element personality isn’t necessarily ‘split’ with Albert’s. It’s just a more intense version of himself. Because out of Costume, Albert is quiet and mild-mannered.)

ENTER THIS ASSHOLE

So there’s a plot where Eobard needs Albert’s help to get his speed back. But Albert won’t help because his powers are ‘locked’ behind his ‘Evil’ personality. So Eobard makes Albert go and steal stuff (with the random ability to hypnotize people by vibrating that he magically obtains for this single story) And spends the entire adventure trying to impress Al and gaslight him into thinking he likes crime.

And poor Al is just

he’s so done. It’s horrible I ship it

 OKAY ANYWAYS

My ultimate point here before I got distracted fangirling is that despite Barry’s efforts to help, Eobard wins Al over and convinces him that he IS ultimately Evil.

The story ends with Albert momentarily betraying Eobard right as he was commanded to kill Barry. (using the power of self-hypnosis to counter-act Eobard’s influences.) Though convinced he is forever and permanently evil at that point, Barry knocks him out and uses the cosmic treadmill to take Albert to the future where he can be um

‘cured’

of his evil tendencies forever.

COUGHS this isn’t a lobotomy at all

So yeah! Al is ‘’’’cured’’’’

ENTER THIS STINKY BOY

Albert’s been a good. So Alvin shows up and starts running around as Doctor Alchemy COMMITTING CRIME. This is the first story we see him in so everyone thinks Albert is the one running around in costume, of course.

 (Barry, Iris, and Rita are all part of Al’s life but I haven’t gone into them in depth for brevity- because holy shit this is long....)

(yes you read that right, Rita keeps tranquilizers on hand for Albert- for... obvious reasons- earlier in this post you saw he wigged out and caught their car on fire while they were in it. SHE PUTS UP WITH A LOT....)

( Headcanon-talk though. It couldn’t have been easy for Al either knowing he could be called a liar or drugged by his spouse at the drop of a hat. Of course Rita has every right to fear for her life. And she’s done a lot for Al, at the risk of her own safety. But that being said... they do get an off-screen divorce, and I believe it was 100% mutual. 

   This has got to be an unpopular opinion, since the fandom loves Rita and of course I’m sad they wrote her out of the story as well. I love her too! But it couldn’t have been easy for Al either. Living with a mental illness and a distrusting spouse who keeps a weapon on hand to use against you. And it’s clear later on that Albert literally has such an awful time keeping his shit together that he needs much more help than just Rita can provide. RAH RAH BLAH BLAH-)

Anywho,

 they cart Albert off to jail, but Alvin kidnaps him. With every intent to frame him for all the crime he sees fit to do.

According to Alvin, he is Albert’s psychic/astral twin. Born at the same time and with an identical childhood to Albert’s.

Again according to Alvin, they sit on some sort of moral Teeter-totter. Where whenever Albert is good- Alvin feels an uncontrollable urge to be evil. and vice-versa.

Anyways he invented this potion called Desmodium where the fumes can cause people to be susceptible to hypnotic suggestion (Wow Alvin knows about hypnosis too, his entire life is so coincidentally similar to Albert’s) - which is how he was able to use Rita to lie about Albert’s alibi and frame Albert for Alvin’s crimes. He explains that because of their psychic connection, Alvin was able to locate where Albert hid the philosopher’s stone and used it to take up the mantle of Doctor Alchemy.  (in this scene Albert is also under the influence of Desmodium which is why he’s just sitting dead-eyed like a doll)

  So Alvin leaves to try and kill the Flash, and once he believes he has won, he reveals himself to Barry- and obviously he doesn’t succeed, so now Barry knows the truth of what’s going on and is on Albert’s side. Meanwhile, Albert escapes and feels the uncontrollable urge to don the Mr. Element costume to combat his evil twin. (Wigging out from the stress probably- which is why I headcanon that the Mr. Element personality is just a stronger-willed and decisive version of Albert.)

SO THEY FIGHT. It’s glorious. 

Albert saves a firefighter, Barry sees the whole thing. Also Rita and Al meet up off-panel where he explains everything to her and she in turn explains everything to Barry and that’s completely convinced him that Albert is completely innocent and is in fact trying to do the heroic thing.

  SO Albert, Rita and Barry work together and ultimately defeat Alvin. And from there on Alvin takes up the mantle of Doctor Alchemy permanently, becoming an honorary Rogue while Albert goes into retirement.

 (Alvin seems to be the only one who ever hung out with the Rogues at all and had a relationship with them. He seems to have got along well with Lisa - or at the very least she seems entertained by his antics. Whereas she has no patience for perverts, and yet she’s bemused by Alvin’s flirtations when he’s drunk. Also Alvin being in consortium with the Rogues is why I believe Hartley much later comments on how ‘Freaked out’ the Rogues are of Albert. 

Because whO IS THIS GUY? WHERE’D THE FUN REDHEADED AL GO.... Also all things considered, of course he laughed in their faces.)

I’M NOT DONE YET.

VOLUME 2

  So somewhere along the line, Alvin discovers that he isn’t in fact Albert’s astral twin. That he’s actually a completely artificial construct born by the philosopher’s stone (or Albert himself depending on your interpretation) Personality completely made up of Albert’s ‘Dark Side’.

 (WHEN or HOW Alvin came to this realization isn’t explained, but if I had to headcanon it might have been when he somehow survived his ‘death’ in his Blue Beetle cameo.

He attempts to merge with the Philosopher’s stone and it leads to his demise... AND THEN APPEARS AGAIN FOUR YEARS LATER IN THE FLASH. WE CAN READ INTO THIS- THEY DEFINITELY DIDN’T MAKE A MISTAKE.....)

Anyways, back to Flash v2. In volume 40 and 41 Alvin has completely lost his mind- likely due to his identity crises and tries to take over Albert’s life completely. Convincing Wally and Linda (and himself apparently) that he is ACTUALLY Albert Desmond, and not the evil twin.

But Wally figures out that it’s actually Alvin and defeats him.

   And finds Albert locked up in the closet (FOR WHO KNOWS HOW LONG....)

Hopefully not long, Wally postulates that Alvin had been listening to Albert’s phonecalls and wanted an opportunity to get the Flash once and for all. 

 Alvin is taken to jail, but escapes almost instantly, leading to a fight with Wally that doesn’t look like it will end well for him. BUT GUESS WHO SHOWS UP JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME

butt

Fake memories you say, Wally? Would certainly explain why Alvin’s life was so identical to Albert’s.

And that is the end of Alvin, killed/absorbed by his own brother.

....

hey- remember this?

It’s almost like Al’s story could be read as a metaphor for neurodiverse repression to the point of self-destruction. Instead of working with him, they literally lobotomized the ‘evil’ out of him and gave birth to a physical manifestation of how he felt himself perceived by the outside world.

i’ve been reading these comics for too damn long

Anyways! After that, Albert vanished into the wind. He became Doctor Alchemy permanently and denounced the Mr. Element name- calling it an ‘embarrassment’. He became solitary and committed crimes much darker than his previous. (notably, a cop-murdering spree in Gotham).

  Albert is literally unstoppable and the only reason he’s not wreaking havoc is  He’s now characterized by his unhealthy obsession with books and escapism and finding ‘Peace and Quiet’. 

Not only that, he seems to have developed a something of a grudge against Wally. (Either that or he’s too far gone to care about anything any more)

And that’s..... basically the end of the story. There’s some loose ends that got nuked out of existence right before Flashpoint. Something insinuating that Albert may have a larger role to play or knows more than he’s letting on- but it’s literally so vague it could be interpreted as anything. The plot is lost in the wind, unfortunately.

  But If you made it all the way to the end, thank you for listening to my dramatic summery of Al’s story

 Believe it or not, but I wasn’t even half as thorough as I could have been. So I definitely encourage you to read v1 and draw your own conclusions.

the Renees - people

Physically, all of the Renees look more or less like the body does, or did at their age.  Some have longer or shorter hair, some wear glasses and some don’t.  The boys look more like our brother. Main Renee was one of the main fronters for a very long time.  She was one of the mothers to the outside children.  She was the one who decided some time in 1999 that we needed to go back into therapy and try to figure out what the heck was wrong with her.  At that time she didn’t know about the rest of us. She tried really hard, when she wasn’t in denial, to accept the system and to hear what we had to tell her.  She mostly dealt with Shadowlands memories.  She was finally overwhelmed late in 2005 and disappeared from the front.  She had been 16, but had reverted to age 5 and was very feral.  She’s mostly stayed in the Shadowlands; sometimes she has been seen with the shadow kids under Raylene’s protection.  As of Jan 2009 she is still very feral, but has aged to about 7.  All of us have made sure to let her know that we are not going to try and force her to be front, and that she doesn’t have to talk until she is ready.  We all rather suspect, though, that she will never be one of the main fronters again. R~ and RC are both 17 and are both the result of main Renee splitting due to overwhelming stress and emotional pain in 1999 and 2000.  Both of them are far more likely to say what they feel.  They also both carry any of the overflow in feelings from main Renee.  They haven’t been heard from since main Renee went five and feral. Renée with the accent over the “e” has never fronted much.  She's about 15 or 16.  She’s very similar to main Renee except that she stays mostly inside. Renee16 is one of the teens who was present when we moved to Florida in 1990.  She’s 16 and very sad and quiet and tends not to talk much.  She gets overwhelmed very easily and doesn’t do very well with the stress of just everyday life.  She holds a lot of the pain that was felt throughout the system when we moved from Texas to Florida, as well as some of the physical pain from some of the physical things we were going to doctors for. renee with the small “r” is 16 and has kind of a dual personality.  She is also known as Ice Princess, one of the Shadow Sisters.  But renee and Ice Princess don’t co-exist.  She is either one or the other.  She was one of the first involved directly with the Shadowlands to start asking questions about their (the Shadowlands) beliefs and how they were raised. She’s also one of the ones that the higher-ups from the Shadowlands have punished for daring to question things.  She wavers back and forth between being loyal to the Shadowlands as Ice Princess and questioning everything she thought she knew as renee. Shadow is 15 and is one of the few Renees that are male.  He usually doesn’t front, but he and Raye were front for about six weeks in November and December of 2008.  That was a bad time for us.  All those over 16 and under 12 seemed to vanish.  We’re still not entirely sure what all was going on system wise, but we do know that it related directly to what we had learned about in June 2008 and hadn’t had a chance to deal with.  The main fronters were all in a kind of stasis where they couldn’t even reach the outside and either couldn’t hear Raye and Shadow or chose not to respond. Rae is 15 and is one of the writers.  She’s pretty quiet and shy.  She loves to read and she absolutely loves to create stories.  She is often the one who comes up with the story ideas. We aren’t quite sure how old Renee10 actually is.  We know that she isn’t actually 10 years old, but she seems to be able to shift her age, so we’re never certain.  Renee10 contains a lot of the anger and spite.  She’s deliberately mean and cruel and enjoys when she can verbally hurt someone.  She often calls people names, and it is usually directed at other system members.  She usually is very aware of what is going on outside, whether she is actually fronting or not, and often subjects whoever is fronting to a variety of sarcastic and cruel remarks about the people around us.  We try to keep her contained, mostly because she refuses to express her rage in acceptable ways. Raye is 13 and is the head of the writers' group.  She’s generally the one who does most of the writing and editing.  She’s usually the one who directs where any certain story is going, although others of the writers have been known to throw their own curves in.  She loves to write and truly dreams of getting published one day.  She’s very serious about her writing and often feels that she and the other writers don’t get their fair share of time out on the computer. Raylynn is 12 and is another of the writers.  She will usually pick up the slack when Raye starts to stall out.  She and Raye belonged to a tag writing club once and they enjoyed it a lot.  She wishes often that they could find another such place.  She misses the interaction of other writers and how stories can change and unfold when so many people have a hand in writing it. Ray, who is 11 is another of the writers.  Otherwise, not much is known about her. Raelin is about 10 and we don’t know much about her.  She’s another one who is mostly quiet and mostly stays on the inside.  She seems to be sad often. Lil raye is 9 and is a traumatic split from main Renee in 2000 over dental trauma.  She is one who is still locked in time.  We have not had the chance to even begin to try and process her trauma.  Others of the Renees keep an eye on her and make sure she isn’t left alone in her fear. NIP (which stands for “Nobody In Particular”) is one of the most vehement about denying everything bad about our childhood.  She's 16 and she seems to willfully disregard anything anyone has to say about the bad things that happened to us.  She’s like a brick wall, she just doesn’t budge.  She has a lot of self-esteem issues as well. “just me” is another who is firmly steeped in denial.  She is also 16 and often feels insignificant and suffers from deep depressions.  Like NIP she refuses to believe that what other system mates have to say could possibly be true. Terry is 7 and started out being called “me”.  We talked to her and she agreed to use the name Renae because it was more meaningful than “me”.  In 2007, she decided that she didn’t want to use the name Renae anymore and chose the name Terry.  She’s a mostly perky little girl, though she fears our father, and as a result most adult men.  She tends to stay with the kids in the Castle. DeeDee is short for Designated Daughter.  She’s 15 and the one who often interacted with our family.  She knew how to play the family game well.  She loves our parents and spent a lot of time defending them to others.  Only in June of 2008, and again several times between then and November did she really begin to understand just how badly our parents hurt us.  It almost broke her.  She hasn’t fronted much since then, trying to come to terms with her intense grief. Shattered is in her late teens and is a deliberate split from main Renee in either 2003 or 2004.  main Renee was dealing with a lot of things, among them the realization that the Renees weren’t just the fronts for the Shadowlands but they had been specifically created by the Shadowlands.  In an attempt to try and placate those of the Shadowlands who wanted the Renees to return and to keep them from abducting people from the Realms she made a conscious decision to split.  Shattered carries the Shadowlands memories that main Renee carried and considers herself fully of the Shadowlands. Lisa was 17 and chose her name in an effort to differentiate herself from main Renee.  She was one of the main fronters immediately after main Renee went five and feral (late 2005).  She was a main fronter until about summer of 2006 when she was inundated with memories of a certain incident that happened with the evil grandmother.  Her age dropped to 13 as she tried to deal with things. When she left front she had aged to 15 but was still being bombarded with memories and triggers. Mean Mommy is more of a fragment than a whole person.  She doesn't seem to really have any specific age.  During the first four or five years of the marriage she was the one who was in charge of disciplining the outside kids.  She never physically hurt them, but she did yell a lot.  The other mothers finally realized that she was scaring our outside kids and that there were better ways to discipline the children and convinced Mean Mommy to change her ways.  We believe she may have blended with one of the other mothers, but we aren’t certain. Rayne, who is about 16 or 17, has only been out a few times, mostly over the summer of 2006.  She seems to be a bit of a free spirit.  She loves freely and doesn’t have a lot of the emotional hang-ups that many of us have about sharing our feelings with people.  She’s actually a breath of fresh air. Motormouth’s name says it all.  She's 16 and she talks a lot, often rapidly.  She tends to stray from subject to subject with very little rhyme or reason.  She used to be the one who would take over and steer the conversation away from sensitive subjects.  She doesn’t do that so much anymore, although she has been known to take over when we are nervous or in a situation where we have to interact with other people and don’t really want to.  People tend to like her even though she talks a lot because she tends to talk about things people like to hear about.

Loving You Is Easy

Part Twenty-One

Everything I said was bittersweet in Chanyeol’s ears. The words he had always wanted to hear me say, I had finally said. But, this wasn’t how he wanted things to happen. I hung up the phone right after my last sentence, but even if I didn’t Chanyeol had no response, no rebuttal, nothing. The only thing he could do was let himself take everything in. He was rapidly blinking as the tears kept streaming down his face. His vision was blurred, not just from the wetness in his eyes, but because his head was spinning. He had tormented his heart into an anguish that he felt he couldn’t bear, and he couldn’t do anything to alleviate it.

He hated himself for being so naive and so stupid. He blamed himself for turning something so special into something ugly. He didn’t know how he was going to fix things between us, but he wanted to so badly. He wanted to come home and forget why he even came to Schenectady in the first place. But, he couldn’t. He knew I was right. Chanyeol had made his choice to come up, and leaving without any notice would just make things worse.

The entire night, his mind kept him awake with nightmares manifesting all of his fears. His mind made him believe that I hated him, cooking up all kinds of heartbreaking scenarios that jolted him awake every hour.

The next morning, he refused to talk to anyone.

He figured that if he focused on his work, the pain he felt in his heart would eventually numb. It didn’t work, but at least he was focused on something.

Baekhyun, Sehun, and Junmyeon were all concerned though. It was completely unlike Chanyeol to be so silent and lifeless. Even though he was focusing on the work he had to do, he didn’t even smile and he barely paid attention to them. 

They tried their best to get his attention too. They all banded together to do obnoxious things that Chanyeol hated.

Some examples include grinding their teeth in his ear, smacking their food, and talking about his most embarrassing moments. 

But, he reacted to none of their stories, none of the teeth grinding, and none of the smacking. 

This was a definite cause for concern, but what could they do if he didn’t want to talk to them? They had to just let him sulk, but it was agony for them too. Junmyeon was especially concerned because he still felt guilty for making Chanyeol come up for something they could have just done. 

He pulled the other two to his room to talk about Chanyeol’s eerily sad behavior.

“Guys, what if he’s just extra mad at us today for making him come up?”

Sehun shook his head, but had his finger at his chin in contemplation.

“No, that can’t be right. Chanyeol can’t have just decided to be angry with us now. He was even talking to that girl he liked yesterday, so if anything he’s probably sad about that.” 

Baekhyun’s eyes lit up, “What? You caught him talking to a girl? The girl?”

Sehun nodded his head, “Yeah, and from what I heard through the door, they seemed alright. He was even happier too.” 

Baekhyun looked up as if the ceiling would give him the answer, and apparently it granted some inspiration because he thought of another possibility.

“I bet that this girl is the clingy type. She probably got mad at Chanyeol for not being with her.”

Sehun and Junmyeon seemed to agree with this statement, and it was an entirely plausible thing to feel miserable about.

Junmyeon let out a sad sigh, “Chanyeol must really like this girl. He won’t even talk to us about it. Every time I look at him, it’s like he’s on the verge of tears.” 

Down in Manhattan though, I woke up feeling better than I thought I would. I kept in mind what Kai had told me the other day. I could feel proud of myself on my own. I brushed away any thought of Chanyeol in my mind, and tried to focus on my present. I went on with my day as if I had no real care in the world, and I let my excitement for the show guide me. 

It took me two hours to get ready, and earlier in the day I even had to buy makeup. Kai wanted to buy it for me, but I hit him for even suggesting the idea. I was impressed that he even knew how to do makeup, but with his profession it made sense. He also has a sister, so it wasn’t too far-fetched of a skill for him to have.

I had never worn makeup in my life besides lip gloss and lipstick, and after Kai showed me what I looked like, I realized there were little things I missed out on in my life living with my parents.

Looking in the mirror with my hair done, my makeup fixed, and my dress on, I still felt like me. I thought with the whole look on, I would feel like a shell of myself, but i was more confident, and that confidence only rose when Kai kept telling me how pretty I looked over and over and over again. He said that Senator June was revealing herself. I agreed with him.

When we arrived to the exhibition, I felt overdressed and slightly embarrassed. 

Kai and I took semi-formal to another level, but no one seemed to mind. If anything, they were all dazzled by us. 

i felt like I had found another home. 

It was odd. People actually came for the sake of seeing art. There were no strings attached, no ulterior motives, no fake appreciation. It was all genuine. 

People came up to me to ask about the meaning behind my sculpture, and the other artists were curious about things like my creative process and what kind of clay I had used. 

Halmeoni congratulated me when she saw me, and took it upon herself to tell everyone how proud she was of me. The old woman came too, and she beamed at the sight of my sculpture. She called it “timeless.”

I must have made circles around the exhibit three million times that night, just talking to everyone and making new connections. Kai made those circles with me, never leaving my side. The only time he did was to go to the bathroom or to get me a drink or some food. 

Our relationship seemed to be another point of intrigue for people. It didn’t go unnoticed that Kai was following me around, and it didn’t help that we were wearing such fancy clothes. 

“Hi, I’m Lisa! Your piece is beautiful! I made the sculpture right next to you!” She pointed to her sculpture, a large tiger’s eye.

“Thank you so much! I’m June! Your work is amazing!” My heart felt warm from all of the compliments, but it was nice to hear from her.

All of the other artists were in their late 20′s and early 30′s, but Lisa seemed to be about the same age as me.

“I’m glad I get to talk to someone around my age. How old are you?”

Lisa grinned at me, “I’m twenty! How about you?”

“I’m only eighteen, but close enough right? You’re the same age as Kai here.”

I intended on pointing to him, but he was already next to me, holding the small of my back. He introduced himself, and so did she.

“You’re only eighteen? You’re so talented! And not only that, but you are so pretty and you’ve got such a handsome boyfriend! Girl, you’ve got it all!”

Kai’s eyes beamed at being called handsome, but his heart jumped at being mistaken for my boyfriend. 

I, for one, blushed like crazy and I thanked her profusely for the compliments. I wanted to correct her about Kai, but she was so eager to talk to me, that she didn’t let me get a word in. 

“Oh, no need to thank me. You’re cool, June. Can I have your number? Let’s be friends.” 

I accepted of course. My face was still flushed, and it must have reddened even more. All this attention and all this praise, it felt like more than I deserved. I even got a new friend out of it. 

I anticipated the entire day for this opening, and as quickly as it came, it also quickly ended.

The memory of the time didn’t completely vanish from me though. Kai insisted on taking pictures almost every second to commemorate the night. I told him it wasn’t really necessary, but when we got back to his apartment, I was thankful he did.

He showed me all of the shots he had taken, most of them being random candids, but some being actual posed shots of the two of us. I had more with Halmeoni, and even Lisa. The old woman even wanted a picture with me. 

I don’t know why, but I just started crying. I wasn’t at all sad, I was completely happy, completely inspired.

“That’s really me? Wow. You’re right, I really am pretty.” I joked, trying to offset the fact that I was crying.

Kai wiped my tears for me and laughed, “Yeah, you were easily the prettiest one there. Hands down.”

I tilted my head at him, “Me? Noo. Lisa’s really pretty too. Hey, you guys are the same age too. You should go for her!” 

Kai’s heart sank, but he tried not to make it obvious, “She’s not my type, and besides she thinks I’m your boyfriend.” 

My crying finally stopped and I sniffled, “Yeah, true. I really tried to tell her you aren’t but, she just loves to talk.”

Kai shrugged his shoulders, but he had an ulterior motive in mind with his next words, “I don’t know I guess we just look good together.” 

I laughed at what I took as cockiness, “I guess you’re right about that. We are two perfectly beautiful people.” 

Kai had a lopsided smile. He wanted to plant the idea in my head that we would be good together, but of course, it went right over my head. He scrolled through the pictures to find his favorite of the two of us, just to make his point clearer. 

“June, look at this picture. We look like the perfect couple, don’t we? Any person would be jealous of us.”  

I took his phone out of his hand to inspect the picture. It was a really nice picture. 

We were standing next to my sculpture all cozied next to each other. Both of us were smiling really big, but I was squishing his cheeks with one of my hands. He had his arm around my waist and I had my other arm around his neck. 

I looked back at Kai, and his eyes were really big with anticipation. He was hoping for my agreement. I grinned at him with the same huge smile I had at the picture. 

“I can’t argue with you. Very couple-worthy.” 

It wasn’t the exact reaction that Kai wanted, but he didn’t mind all that much. The fact that I was oblivious made him laugh, even though his heart was pained by it. 

“Hey, can I post this picture on my Instagram?” 

“Instagram? Yeah, you can post any of them. I don’t mind.”

My Ex Wants Me Back Years Later Marvelous Useful Ideas

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I Want My Ex Boyfriend Back Letter

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How To Get Ex Back Law Of Attraction

Grief 8/21/17

When Jamie left It didn’t really bother me too much I thought it was shitty and ironic And a pure replica of earlier events that summer Though shortened And concise And irresponsible But I didn’t really grieve and Forgot about it almost immediately When Katie left I thought it was stupid and ridiculous I was definitely shocked and hurt But when the dynamics started changing I could already feel Loss was near because it was Already so familiar I grieved her for a few months, but Lightly, subtly It didn’t really affect my day to day I missed her because we had grown too Close in too short a time I thought she was cool And I was delighted to know her It felt like I was capable of being cool Even though I was a few years older And she was slightly immature And mean in the end So I grieved for a while And still miss her But thanked her recently And she reciprocated When Abbey and Elizabeth left I thought I was going to kill myself Never in my life did I anticipate My childhood friends Leaving me While I understand It ‘had to happen’ I could not accept the fact That it was not my fault Thus, the situation was injust I dissected and I dissected I drove myself insane I wrote a 20+ page letter Mailed it And Elizabeth reciprocated With mutality We agreed We wanted nothing but the best For the other person That we’ll always still care That ultimately, the therapist was to  Blame But  She (E) even admitted It was probably for the best Of the parties Now Abbey, My dearest, most cherished friend From when we were 7 From when I hadn’t yet Experienced the darkness of life From when I only knew life as Happy She is a shining star She was when the trees Bloom blossoms in the Spring When autumn leaves sing Fall When the Summer sun promises  Presence When the Winter had us rock Bottom on the Floor Abbey was an angel A blessing A standing Oak But when I lost Abbey When I lost what the stars Never  Anticipated would Sink me I didn’t think I’d make it I prayed she’d come back When they didn’t come back And they didn’t come back My soul reached out  Every night in my sleep and Theirs Trying to reach them To communicate To affect their waking hours I received messages Of love and hope And like a manic I thanked her in waking hours She provided a number that came and went And I was removed off Seroquel And all the dreams stopped When I lost my job My horrible job I grieved longer than I grieved anyone else It was what I held onto  During severe loneliness It was what kept me Active Though it deadened my soul Forced fear Contrived horrible horrible  Opposition to behavioral health I lost all people I had grown to lead I lost leadership I lost myself I was trying to become I lost who I became I grieved who I had become I grieved confidence I grieved the voice I lost I grieved purpose And I grieved gained friends Despite how badly I hated that job Despite how badly I hated the people Despite how badly I hated the field I grieved And I grieve And I can’t stop grieving When I lost Heather I felt deeply saddened Like I could fix this But she vanished in thin air When I lost Katie Y I cried hard on my bed I sent text after text Best friends 4 years When I lost Kali Amber Leeann Jessica Tuciker Cathy Kim I felt no pain No pain in the sense of missing them I hated them They tore me apart like Raping All who I was And all who I’d always been A minority proud of her history When I lost Holly I grieved every single day for a year Essentially I sort of lost it Because ultimately When you undergo a history of pain People incessantly proving you’re worth An empty line Then along comes encouragement Pride and Liking To all that you knew you used to be And could be again And they promise friendship They promise presence They’re “so proud of you” It doesn’t matter how long it’s been Four months was all? I fell on the earth and could not get up Was pushed inside to not give this up That “You can do this Katie” That I was a good person and that She knew it And this was all not what it felt like I convinced myself she’d realize That the pain now surfacing wasn’t pain She wanted to gift Because I was worth it  For a while I blamed us both Half and Half And I still blame myself, but I have since observed how Deficitis in Friendship can be  Replenished in healthy ways When the other person cares I have witnessed communication Working in healthy ways And mutual understanding When I just didn’t get it When I lost Holly  I fell rock bottom It was perhaps the worst Fucking miserable loss I’d Experienced since A & E And it drove me absolutely insane Day in and Day out Spinning Circling Lost I cried hysterically every day And night And my friends were concerned And went out of their way to Lead my recovery Without reciprocation  It took 1 year till I turned the bend I can’t blame myself for Needing help  Desiring friendship And not surpassing The healthiest ways to do that When the other lane Can’t do anything but Lie straight at 90mph When I lost my dog I cried It’d been a month since Holly left I lost it and cried Hard On the tile of the vet room  Saying goodbye and I love you When Grandma died I knew she loved me more Than any human being ever had I knew she’d continue to love me And I knew she’d never stop Loving me And I knew it’d make up for all the Absences of the past And the absences to follow I now dance As her soul radiates ongoing Existence and love Within my soul Within my being Within my heart When Aunt Laura died I felt hardened and indifferent As shitty as that sounds I never grieved I was extraordinarily scared And uncomfortable I’d never seen a passing so Traumatic or a  Passing at all Who the hell was she in heaven? An alcoholic? Sober? Who the hell was sober Laura? Had she been clean  My whole life growing up Maybe she would have seen the best in me And we could have been something  But I do give her credit For trying to be something With me in the last few years Before her eyes rolled back Before I had to watch my mom break And not heal When Aunt Cindy killed herself We were all surprised Shocked Appalled Stunned No one understood But I watched my mom cry  And it broke my heart It made sense When I lost Mrs. Urban I repeated written lines From her cards In my head all the time “You’re a gem, Miss Katie!” I was a gem who deserved a shot At this life that I’d missed As a teen When I lost Martine It drove my haywire I thought I’d never make it When Gabe died, It forever scarred me I never drink For once my life comes first When I lost the possibility of Attending K Coll I blamed myself  But I was okay ultimately Through painting and fitness And sleeping And self-care I no longer was suicidal And I went on  And did so well When I lost Braintrust I felt nothing That was a joke and a half When I lost my confidence At BGC And didn’t get to say goodbye to some of The good ones It broke my heart in half Please do good in life Stay strong Rise above it When I lost music I lost myself When I lost Drifter I lost myself But when Natasha came back Everything had replenished All things those left for Were suddenly things To love When I met Lisa She saw in me Someone who needed a friend She was an angel in the day An angel in the night Now a magical fairy Portland was but a dream A dream that will still come true Jes Lisa Natasha Dan And so many more So many more. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.