.

Hey there! I saw your post about the hate you get and although I barely interact with other users I had to say something. You are the least toxic fan I've ever met and not once have you given me any sasaeng vibes whatsoever. You almost always (except for the times you mentioned and apologized yourself for) post stuff that has been sanctioned /publicly released by Bighit and the boys.

Also I don't get what's wrong with reblogging your own posts, this is tumblr and no one gives a shit how many notes you have on your posts anyway. It's not like anyone is actively trying to gain followers or clout here and getting anything out of it. It's tumblr for God's sake! Live and let live, if that person has a problem with it then they just shouldn't follow you.

There are so many harmful fans and there are sasaengs but I've followed you for quite a while now and you are definitely not one of them.

Alright, rage over, I hope you have a lovely day❤️ haters gonna hate and as Jungkook said "SO WHAT?"

Love yourself 💜 xx

I've been seeing some of my mutuals get hate messages for self-rebloging their posts too. if you dont like sr you can just unfollow or if you dont want to unfollow us you can just block the tag. I think every person here who does sr uses some tag indicating that the post is a sr, so you can block so you do't see them on your dash. but it seems that some people take pleasure in simply sending hate to other people. its so pathetic that they dont even have the courage to go off anon. thank you so much for you kind words. yesterday was the day that jeongguk finally posted on instagram and it seems that these people didnt like to see happiness here and thought, well i guess i want to ruin her day :) but I will try to forget these messages, thank you so much. you too ♡ i hope you have a nice day/night! ♡

sometime in this last week, or this week coming, my blog has turned/turns 10. god. a decade old. a whole ass chunk of my life i’ve spent on this hellsite. when i began on here, i was a kid. a lost, lonely, depressed and anxious 15/16 year old kid. a kid scared of her future. a kid confused about her future. what to do for uni. to change schools or not??? to do drama/acting at uni or english/philosophy or to move 8hrs away to another regional uni to “escape” her “washed up, dead end hometown” that was so typical of all the pop-punk music that she was listening to at the time.

she was a tad overdramatic, loud, “funny” (as described by her school friends) and terribly forgetful in regards to homework and school assignments. she was angry at the world, most especially the catholic school she was fucking sick and tired of attending. but she was convinced that since she was the so-called “funny girl”, that she simply couldn’t be depressed or anxious. she believed herself unloveable because she didn’t look like a weird mixture of hayley williams and emo-pop queen lights. but now, i no longer believe that i have to look like the women that i looked up to in the ~emo scene~. fuck beauty standards. i am loveable.

in the years since joining tumblr, i’ve managed to get through business college, my undergrad degree and, well, failed out of postgrad due to obvious burnout and health issues amongst other things. although i’ve lost many friends irl and many followers/mutuals online on here. for those who’ve stuck around to see me get through all of this, thank you. to all the friends/casual mutuals that have since deactivated or only followed me for a short time then unfollowed; thank you.

like obviously i was never/have never been a massive popular blog on here, like thebootydiaries or vampireapologist (who has since deactivated a couple of months ago) with tens of thousands of followers. my follower count is still close to the 8,000 range at 7,892. obviously that’s still a lot of people (and of course, porn bots lmao and many, many non-active blogs), enough like one super old post from like 2012 tumblr pointed out, enough for a small to medium sized city or town, or something like that. i don’t know how many people i’ve really reached. i really don’t know how i actually amassed this small army of people.

i am aware though, that on other platforms like snapchat (lmao does anyone even use it anymore in 2021???)/instagram/youtube/tiktok etc, i’d PROBABLY be considered as some type of ~micro influencer (🤮🤮)~. hell, i actually had a bot slide into my notes about being one on here on this hellsite back in 2019. i don’t know if i’ve ever actually ~influenced~ anyone on here with my shitposts (when i started making some) or my personal posts. i don’t know my reach. even though, now, i do occasionally get featured on buzzfeed listicles (although pay me buzzfeed along with the OPs of those original embedded posts), i still don’t know how many people i’ve reached… and even with my very occasional checks of google analytics lmao. on top of this, grappling with the loss of followers at times is much, much easier than it was when i began on here and the first few years following that. i know that my follower count doesn’t determine my worth and stuff.

but over these 10 years, i have grown. i turn 26 this year. back in 2011, 15/16yo me never thought she’d be here. she was partially down the suicidal thoughts hole, with things about ~picturing her funeral and wondering who’d bother to turn up. if only she could pretend to be dead for a day to see who’d give a fuck~ and 16-18yo me was defs down it with her HSC hellscape thoughts in 2012/2013. that 3rd floor tafe/tech women’s bathroom window drop and the thought of scarring her class for life (and that cool dude from catholic school that she crushed on who ended up at tafe with her) with jumping out of it onto the concrete below. instead, she just posted on fb about ~being a failure~ etc which ultimately did lose her a bunch of facebook friends lmao. it was practically the same thing. her mental breakdown after the end of her hsc, where she let her earrings go green and get infected in her ears because “fuck self care, bc what the fuck is it??? i’ll never get better! let me fucking wallow in my self loathing bc it’s the only thing that i’m fucking good at!!!” so i no longer have my ears pierced. oh! it was just all too fucking much!!

i am happier today. i no longer have those semi-suicidal thoughts. hell, i almost died in 2020 from a fucking bowel aneurysm, after my stomach tumour excision surgery. that forced me to put things into perspective. i appreciate the little things . i appreciate the very few friends that i actually have. yes. i’m still depressed and anxious. some days are still shitty and hard. but nowhere as hard and shitty as they were back when i began on here 10 years ago.

how the fuck last 10 years have gone past, with my ass on here; clearing out my blog and caring more about doing that than my uni work (lmao whoops); having made some lifelong friends both internationally (from the US) and long distance domestically in australia, it’s been a long ride; i honestly have no fucking idea. obviously over these past 10 years, i’ve debated with myself over and over and over again whether i should delete/deactivate this account or not. would it make me healthier??? more than likely. but then when i have meltdowns or just inner ramblings i have to get out somewhere, where else to post??? on fb?? obvs not. it’s “attention seeking” or the like on there. no one will read them. no one will resonate. but on here??? even if i got/get one “like” in the notes or one “yo i feel this” response in the tags or replies, it feels like i’ve reached someone??? okay yeah. i know this place IS NOT therapy and i’m not using my followers as amateur (or probs even actual professional) armchair psychologists…. which is a thing i think people need to stop doing internet-wide: but that’s a whole other post that i reblogged a few days ago lmao. i really need to get another therapist, actually lmao.

but it’s the community i’ve found hard to leave. i have what feel like friends, when i’ve never been employed (still as of yet); and when all of my irl friends/acquaintances are working and doing the whole ~adulting~ and ~grown up life~ thing right. it’s also the frenzied rabidness of spite with hating staff’s godawful ideas. the memes. oh the memes. and also the RaWrInG 20s XD emo scene reemergence on here that’s kept me here. the messy petty drama from time to time of big blogs fighting it out.

this place really is bizarre and fun sometimes. and also the fact that i can still hide behind the ridiculous “roaring pikachu” URL that i made all those years ago. i am anonymous. it’s freeing. but on fb it’s all like “WHY WONT YOU ADD A BANNER IMAGE AND TELL US 20 FUN FACTS ABOUT YOU!!!!!???? LET PEOPLE WHO HAVENT SPOKEN TO YOU IN 10 YEARS KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU BECAUSE WE’RE ALL FRIENDS HERE!!!” and the same goes for Corporate Hellscape Facebook™️ (linkedin) but in the professional sense instead. y’all know fuck all about me really. besides my posts. and i love that and live for that. okay yeah. y’all know more about my mental health than my fb feed obvs… which is probably a terribly unfortunate thing. but still.

over the last 10 years then, my superiority complex for being ~so original and intelligent~ or whatever the fuck i had in high school, has all but ebbed away. i’m not that smart just because i went to uni. hell, i literally did NONE of my in-class work and none of my philosophy readings in uni….. so i have fuck all idea of how i got through undergrad like that lmao. i’m not original when so many people can articulate the same thoughts that i have, but like, sometimes better, on a post (even though sometimes/most of the time the Tumblr User Hot Takes Tuesday™️ takes on here are fucking awful lmao). but still. originality is not something i really have anymore. or really had in the first place lmao.

so will i deactivate after these 10 years, like i’ve been saying for so, so long??? i honestly have no idea. but just know. thanks guise. have a nice gpoy selfie day XD. grab your wands. your tardises. grab your war paint. grab your whatever the fuck other fandom specific stuff that was one that hella cringe post from 2011 til 2015 random tumblr. that relic is as old as time itself. just as this mysterious roaring pikachu is for someone whose too loyal to leave this W E B B E D H E L L S I T E that’s just as much of a train wreck as she is. lmao.

Part two of the problems in HSMTMTS:

In my last post I stated the situations within the fandom not regarding the s*xual assault allegations or the BLM movement. In this post I will be. Let’s dig in.

Sidenote: when I say that someone hasn’t posting anything at all on their Instagram about the BLM movement, I just mean that they haven’t posted anything on their feed. They could’ve posted a bunch of stuff on their insta-stories, but those go away after 24 hours, and it doesn’t count for me.

Joshua, Olivia, and Frankie, were VERY late when it came to talking about the BLM movement. They didn’t say anything until people called them out for not saying anything, and at that point it seemed like they only posted about that stuff because of peer pressure or bandwagoning activism. Olivia is doing her part now, Joshua posted a thread on Twitter a week after eveything had happened. He also said that he donated money. He posted a petition and a photo on Instagram, but that’s it. He hasn’t said anything else about the BLM movement since May when people acttacked him for it. When people dmed his manager on why he hasn’t been speaking up about the matter, she would block them. Here’s what he said on Twitter:

Frankie said something and is mostly doing his part on Twitter, but on Instagram he hasn’t said anything. Joe was hated on for posting the black square and then deleting it because it didn’t follow his aesthetic on Instagram. Although, he is doing his part on Twitter.

Dara, and Julia both unfollowed Joshua on Twitter, as well as unfollowing him on tik tok alongside Sofia too. Don’t know if it had to do with the BLM movement or not, but there is obviously some turmoil between the cast members. (Oh the things I would do to see their group chat rn) Everyone else has been spot on about the BLM movement, and has definitely been doing their part.

Onto the s*exal assault allegations:

Joshua has currently two s*xual assault allegations against him, but the third one came out to be false. Long story short, a young lady on a Twitter named Gr*ce accused him of s*xually assaulting her, but then it came out that she was lying about the whole thing for some “social experiment” She was cancelled VERY quickly. Here are a few twitter threads you can view to learn more about the false accusation:

This is what Gr*ce accuses him of:

This is what what the user shows to say that the accusations are fake:

Tumblr only allows me to post 10 pictures so I’m showing the two screenshots out of them all what I feel is most important. If you want to read more about it, then you can head to Twitter and search up, “Joshua Bassett Grace” and it’ll be the one of the first things to pop up.

This is what he had to say on the situation:

“it has come to my attention that a now deactivated account has spread rumors about me regarding a fabricated encounter with a fan accusing me of sexual assault. this abhorrent rumor is absolutely false, and dangerous to actual victims with real stories. (1/2)”

““i’m sick to my stomach that someone would recklessly perpetuate such defamatory claims. it is vital to respect all peoples boundaries at all times. be kind and be good. (2/2)”

It’s people like her that make others afraid to come out with their allegations because people are just going to assume it’s false. She is a sorry excuse for a human being. Yes, he spoke about the first allegation against him, but he still hasn’t addressed the others ones. This is another one that had come out about him:

It’s not s*xual assault, nor is it s*xual misconduct, really just him being a shitty human being. This one has little to no proof, and it’s hard on what to believe. Personally for me, definitely could be true, but that doesn’t mean he’s an abuser, just more of a guy you shouldn’t try anything with.

The third allegation against him is so hard to comprehend and understand, and I’ve literally searched all over twitter to find it, but I can’t seem to find anything about it. The bare minimum that I know of is that he was messing around with underage girls, but that is just what I could find out of the mess that is Twitter. Still, there is no actual proof that he has been, so believe what you will. Most people have come to Joshua’s defense due to the sporadic accusations against big male celebrities like Ansel Elgort, Justin Bieber, Cole Sprouse, etc. It seems to be a trend now to accuse male celebrities of sexual assault to possibly gain money and internet fame. This is disgusting, and I hope that the other girls that are accusing Joshua are being truthful.

Julia and Joe both liked Joshua’s sexual assault post, but then immediately took their likes back. Julia got on something called Cameo in which you get paid to speak about certain things. Someone asked her her opinion about Joshua’s allegations and she defended him.

Personally for me, she does know Joshua better than the fandom, so Im not surprised at anything she said. She wasn’t going to go on and say bad things about her co star. Although, I don’t think it was smart for her to speak up about it, and then try to beat around the bush. This is also a note to ALWAYS believe the accuser and never the abuser. Just because you stan Joshua does not mean he’s a good person. He’s going to show us what he wants us to see..obviously. stop saying, “he would never do that” because that’s what 12 year olds say. We have no idea the type of person that Joshua is behind closed doors and off camera. This goes for every celebrity ever. Please be smart and know which side to stand for. If the allegations against him turn out to be false, then I’ll switch sides.

Tim Federle was accused of s*xual misconduct a few years ago, but it has finally come to light. Tim hasn’t come out to say anything about it, but it’s DISGUSTING and he needs to address it:

Here a website that you can visit to read more about it:

Once again I’m going to believe the accuser rather than the Abuser. Don’t forget that this allegation against him happened quite a while ago. But because Disney is such a powerful network, any and all information about him during that time has been deleted. Buzzfeed did an article about it, but it was deleted. There is currently a petition going around for Tim Federle to be fire as show runner of HSMTMTS. It needs 1,500 signatures and it’s so close to its goal. Go to change.org and learn more about the petition there. Again, believe what you will, but Tim went very quiet after his accusation came out.

Alright there. I have laid out eveything that I know of that has happened in the HSM fandom. If you still choose to stick with this fandom, than that is completely up to you. I know Tumblr is the safe place for all fandoms, but it’s important that all of you know who and what you’re supporting. This is in no way showing you why you should or shouldn’t leave the fandom. That is completely up to you. Do what you will with this information. I have chosen to overall just completely forget about my involvement with this group and move forward.

Remember:

Know who to stand for

I’m now done with this fandom. If there are still any questions, than my dm is always open.

TOP’s Instagram is obviously being influenced by Mark Grotjahn. Since his discharge, their pages have been very similar. And I don’t think that’s a good thing. Before he enlisted, his IG was interesting and had a certain charm. But now it’s just lame and tacky.

I agree with you. I have a lot to say about this too!

This is my full Opinion on his ista (and I encourage others to send in their opinions on his insta or projects too) :

I unfollowed because he mass posted and at any second there could be a post that was just too startling or bizarre for me. Fans will argue this and that, but I feel in my own personal opinion - hardcore stanning someone does something to you mentally and keeps you in this bubble like a cloud of denial and one way view. Once you ween yourself off the idol and get out of that person then come back it’s not the same. So when I see his insta its wild to me although I generally know his intention.

No offense to him - but I could follow actual industry artists and insiders for all that, if he was a regular person to D list American artist people would think he’s off or mental. Anyways, I want to nip this in the bud before an anon comes at me with it - I know a lot of my answers to asks seem negative or not supportive, they are, but I have to use realism and non bias when I answer. Until TOP shows some color in his life and connects with us on a personal level, I’ll still answer the same way. I don’t believe he realizes that his instagram is part of the reason why he went through all these hardships.

I believe what I heard once about someone being in his ear (supposedly it was GD but idk if I believe that*) on making insta and posting all this stuff. TOP has to learn to think for himself and project an identity of his own - not taking up habits and patterns of people he’s closest too. If fans want to say they learn about art through him then cool, but I feel like on the low nobody but the ones who are naturally inclined to care about it (through art education, hobbies, jobs, natural interest etc) actually go further with researching the art he posts tbh. I can’t say I’ve learned anything from his insta cause I’m a high fashion lover and I find many similar artists as well art through that. I’ve found sites that sell the clothes 2NE1, blackpink and many other idols wear in MV’s and daily on my own. I love HyunA and although her insta is so so to me, I’d rather tune into her random lives late at night cause she’s genuinely connecting. There is nothing there anymore to me in my opinion that connects me to him. I’d be following just cause it’s TOP. I wish he posted more photos of his face even if it was crazy faces or something. I feel I’d rather follow beyonce at this point and I’m barely into her anymore, cause I don’t get that elitest feel from her although she flexes a lot. I get a decent idea from her, top it’s just too stuff allover the place.

  I think for that and that alone I personally don’t see his insta worth following because it’s not 100% authentic from him. His insta seems to have an opposite effect. Like you said, his insta use to be interesting and have charm, so by default you’d think with the scandal and being back now he’d have a more calm insta. Revert back to how it use to be. But he’s posting and having all sorts of things on it wildly as if a scandal never happened pre military. I love him but it shows where his mind is at.

The fans seem to believe his erratic posting and photos are for an upcoming album. I’m in no position to say it’s not but for me, I personally think it’s just him being him, and fans have to stop projecting what they want onto him and running with it. If TOP cared that much about an album he would have been did it and been serious. If the album comes out then good, if not then it’s time to wake up. That’s my only real issue with his insta these days, the fans keep spinning it in their own interpretation, and TOP does not realize the world is speaking for him instead of him speaking for himself. It gives me park bom vibes.  And at this point he’s generally just an Idol

----- Why am I saying this? cause an anon some weeks ago sent me a stupid ask saying I sound like a stalker. As if I would post that when it’s false as I barely pay attention to top or BB anymore unless I have to research something or collect images for any confessions that come here. probably a casual follower who has a skewed view and just venting negativity without facing me off anon. Anyways, It’s evident from how I respond that my heart isn’t 100% wrapped up in TOP like it use to be. Still care about him but I keep it 100% and I pay attention when it matters. I’m very on the fence with kpop cause no offense sweetie, but kpop fans are oblivious and easily manipulated it’s a collective of the most obscure people forming together as fans over the genre. Nothing wrong with that but the logic is always off and they’re naive. What I mean is (this isn’t a generalization cause many kpop fans are different)   Kpop fans only want play pretend and run off fabricated positivisty and the fandom itself. Basically they don’t want to do their homework and use common sense. Kpop is not a fairytale land or a safe haven from American Industry.

Every entertainment industry especially korean now is corrupt and has it’s fucked up dealings. They find it hard to believe their idols can be messed up or not perfect. They also don’t want to believe anything unless it’s reported by journalists or the news, when in fact the news and journalists report false things or half of the stiry. Anyways what I’m going on about is - just like how a lot of these anons are telling me things I didn’t even know, it’s not some weirdo tendency or someone being creepy to know industry dirt. Industry dirt is out there if you’re clever enough to find it. The real stalkers tbh no offense again are the fans themselves, the hardcore ones aka the fansite mods and sasaengs. That requires dedication that goes beyond general interest.

is it really necessary?

wednesday, 23rd december 2020

so i started getting bad vibes from instagram in around march but because of the lockdown, i used my phone quite a lot. however, i limited my followers and archived a lot of my posts and it made me feel somewhat better. after that, i’ve been trying to spend less time on social media (especially instagram) since around june-july because it kinda gives me stress and doesn’t make me feel that good. it went pretty well especially in summer, but i started to use it more again in september-october... ha.

it’s a good tool to keep in touch with friends, especially during times like these. i also learn a lot of stuff about the world and different things through social media and i especially love youtube. however, like i said, instagram has been really bothering me a lot these days... i don’t really know how to explain it, but the fact that there are “followers” and that they all are people that you know is something that feels kind of weird at times. i follow my friends obviously, but i also follow casual acquaintances and people that i just happen to know through somebody else.

earlier this year and before that i used to compare my life a lot with those people and it made me feel really bad and self-conscious about myself and my life, but now (fortunately) i’ve gotten over that. i also muted some people’s stories and it made me feel better too. i don’t necessarily have anything against those people, but they just posted things that i don’t really want to see and i don’t even know them that well. see, this is the problem - i’m following a lot of people that i barely interact with just because i “know” them. i’m always interested in my friends’ posts and most of the times we have similar interests/humour so it makes their own posts and the posts that they share interesting to me, but that’s not really the case with most of the other people.

and when somebody that i know or used to know unfollows me, it makes me wonder if they don’t like me or if i posted too much/too little/if my posts weren’t interesting enough etc etc. i know that people have the right to unfollow me and honestly i want to unfollow so many people as well, but i’m also worried if they’ll think that i have something against them (even if i don’t - if i did, them thinking that wouldn’t bother me at all honestly lol) and then it would be kind of awkward if we ever see each other again in the future. i think we base our relationships too much on social media and that’s a big problem... for example, i’ve had ex-classmates and acquaintances from hobbies unfollow me almost immediately after graduation etc. and it just makes me wonder, why did they feel the need to follow me in the first place if they’re not even interested in what i post? (i should ask myself this question too (because i also follow a lot of people that i don’t necessarily associate anymore and it’s what made me write this post in the first place)... but i think i know the answer: we need to feel that we belong to a group and are “involved” with the people around us, even if we don’t really interact in reality)

so this is why i try to stay off instagram (even though i’ve been failing miserably for the past few months - though i don’t post nearly as much as before, i just look at others’ posts quietly and talk with my friends haha). at one point i really wanted to delete it (and i still kinda want to), but everyone uses it and i was thinking if i’ll miss out on things... also, if i met someone and they said that they didn’t have instagram, i’d probably be like “huh?” at first (although i admit that it’s my problem and i very much admire people who can stay off instagram and not feel bad/troubled about it) but then again accept it pretty quickly because having social media has become the norm and we unconsciously accept it as one, but i don’t necessarily agree with this norm either.

what i like about instagram is posting photos because i like to share my interests but like i said, not all of our acquaintances and people that we “know” share our interests. i’ve noticed that some posts get more likes than others (usually those posts related to your interests or feelings without showing your face get less likes), and i’m also “guilty” of consciously not pressing like on a post that doesn’t speak to me. which is normal, i guess. but i’ve also found myself debating on whether i should post a photo or not, because “oh my god, what if people don’t react to it?”

i remember being acquaintances with this one girl that i got to know in high school because she was in my class. one day, her sister (who is 1-2 years younger than us?) started following me on instagram and i casually mentioned it to her some days after that when we were talking about something related to it. then she suddenly told me, “oh, right, she told me about it and she said that it’s annoying that you never post any selfies/don’t have a lot of selfies (i don’t remember her exact words but something along these lines)” i remember being like, huh? why in the hell would it be necessary to post more selfies, it’s my account and i post whatever i want to. plus i had never even met or talked to her sister before or even after that. actually, she unfollowed me pretty recently and to be honest, i was so relieved. tbh i’m always kinda relieved when someone that i barely talk with unfollows me, i don’t know why haha.

and this is why i want to make an account solely for my interests and those people who have similar ones can follow it and i can post without worrying too much about whether people will like it or not. like, it would be my own space to share what i enjoy. if someone unfollows me, it wouldn’t bother me because i don’t even know them personally. i like to post sceneries and other photographs more than selfies, but it seems like selfies always get more likes on my personal account. if i had an account dedicated for photography, the people following it would also be interested in photography, naturally.

this post has gotten too long and i’m too lazy to proofread it so i’ll just leave it here ~ there’s much more that i would like to discuss but it would become too repetitive. anyway, stay off social media as much as possible kids and live well in reality:)

- yours truly, a

Important Post: Please read if you are in the SVTFOE/any cartoon except eah fandom

Hey guys! In case you haven’t seen me around in the cartoon fandom part of tumblr, my nickname is Princess and that’s what I let everyone call me publicly. I’ve been on tumblr ever since 2012 and since I joined the main part of my blog has mostly been cartoons and animation. Particularly right now Star Vs The Forces Of Evil, Ever After High and The Loud House. I’m even a mod with @queenbean03 on the blogs for Janstar and Jarco week.

But recently, something hasn’t felt right with me in terms of where I’m at with fandoms at the moment. I of course still love cartoons and animation and it will always hold a special place in my heart. (Particularly eah, which is a fandom I don’t really see leaving anytime soon) but I feel like I’ve been forcing myself to still like them because all the friends I’ve made on this blog have been from those fandoms and it’s what I’ve started this blog from and I don’t want to dissatisfy them and make them unfollow me.

~ ~

This feeling started last year when I got into bandom and used to reblog posts about bands I liked onto , every-time I reblogged that stuff I felt insecure, not only cause this was a new thing for my blog, but also because I was scared that it wouldn't be received well and you'd be annoyed with seeing it on your dash when you wanted and followed me for something else. I got so insecure about it that I decided to make a sideblog just for bandom stuff that hopefully a different crowd on this app/website would appreciate. ~ ~ Right now I've noticed that I've slowly been losing interest in cartoon fandoms and having less of a need to make content for them. First it was Monster High, mainly because of a pesky person in that fandom trying to peddle free art out of me! (Although I don't do commissions, I was just sick of that person trying to get free art of toralei doing literally mostly the same things) and then it happened next with SVTFOE after the first Janstar and Jarco weeks had happened and I was losing interest in the show apart from the ships and finding it hard to catch up with all the new plot twists. And then finally with the loud house and Steven Universe where a similar thing happened to me. ~ ~ At first I denied it because I still didn't want my followers to be unhappy with me, but also I knew deep down I my heart I wasn't becoming interested in TV shows anymore, I was instead gravitating interest either towards my own original ideas or bands I liked and sometimes eah. And then recently, Queenie said that there's going to be another janstar week and potentially a jarco week and I felt extremely bad that I wasn't really an active mod on those blogs anymore, every-time I got a new notification for something she had posted on there I always felt super bad about it because I was the one who had co created those blogs and now I was just neglecting them! ~ ~ After all these events happening, I've finally made a decision that will definitely change my blog and make me lose a few followers, but I honestly don't care now! I'm now doing what makes me happy and what makes my followers happy, because I would rather be hated for who I'am, than loved for who I'am not. I'm going to mostly retire from posting cartoon related content apart from eah and original content including my own. I'm not going to entirely stop, but I'm going mostly restrain from this kind of stuff because I've found its what's been burdening me a lot lately! Here's a small list of changes I will be making. ~ ~ - I WILL STILL POST EAH CONTENT! I love this show way too much to leave its fandom forever after and you guys in that fandom are some of my best friends ever and have supported me so much throughout my artistic journey. ~ - I will sometimes still post The Loud House content relating to anti-loudcest stuff and content by anti-loudcesters I like so that you guys can get recognition because you really do deserve it! ~ - I will still reblog things like fanart and stuff like that, but only if I'm really impressed by it, or I'm boosting a friend's work. ~ - I will still be friends with my amazing mutuals because you guys have supported me through so much and I will never leave you! Best friends until the end of the Internet! ~ - The majority of my revamped blog will now be Aesthetics, original art, ever after high, funny things, social justice and Dan and Phil/other youtubers. ~ - I won't be an active mod on @janstarweek2016 or @jarcoweek2016 anymore, but the blogs will still be kept and if you still want to ask me simple questions about ships you can direct these to me. But I won't answer story prompts/headcanons etc, but Queenie will answer instead. (I'll have to talk with her further about this) ~ - I won't be the most active person on tumblr now, mainly because of other distractions like school and Instagram but if you still want to talk to me I will answer all your questions and have conversations with you about anything if you PM me. ~ That's all folks that will be happening but if you have any questions, please ask or PM me and I will tell you. I truly love you guys and I love posting things for my over one hundred followers, but however I have to think about what's best for myself too and I've found that this is what is best for me. Thank you to my amazing mutuals for sticking with me through thick and thin and being some of my best friends in the world! One more thing I also tell of you guys is, if you guys like bands in the "emo" or "pop punk" genre and awesome alternative music of all kinds you guys can follow @themissingway my music blog. It has nearly all types of music but mostly P!atd and Mcr because they are currently my favourite things at the moment. You don't have to follow it, but I honestly wouldn't mind if you did, even if you're not interested in that kind of content and just really care about seeing me on another blog. ~ ~ Finally once again, another thank you to everyone for staying and please talk to me whenever you please about anything you want! Goodbye everyone, I'll be back 😜 Princess out! Xx 💖

Thursday, Jan. 12, 2017: Reevaluations

If you follow me, there’s a good chance that you’re following me for my Power Rangers and/or Super Sentai content. I’ve been a huge fan of Power Rangers for about 18 years, and a huge fan of Super Sentai for about 10 years. I’ve also been an avid collector for a long time.

Recently, I was having a casual talk with one of my “friends” through text, just catching up and whatnot. Then all of a sudden she says this:

Okay. We need to discuss something. If none of your other friends are going to tell you then I will.

I already had the feeling that she was going to mention my “addiction” to Power Rangers. I’ve known this person for about half a year now. She isn’t part of my main group of friends, as she is someone who I met through work. We started following each other on various social media outlets. I had told her I was into Power Rangers, but I’m sure it wasn’t until she started following me on Twitter and Instagram that she found out how much I’m into this show.

But let’s break this text down. “If none of your other friends are going to tell you then I will.” She acts like my other friends have a problem with what I post as if she knew my friends. Did she secretly talk to my friends about my “problem?” Of course not. She doesn’t know them. But for some reason she thinks others around me are bothered by my Power Rangers-related posts.

She continues and says:

It’s about the power rangers. …that’s literally all you ever post about. And you care way too much. And it’s annoying. And I want to unfollow you on everything.

Yup, just what I thought. Although, I didn’t think she care this much – so much to the point where she seems legitimately mad about what I post on my own social media accounts.

And no, that’s NOT what I “literally” ever post about. Are 90% of what I post online related to Power Rangers and/or Sentai? Yes, because that’s what I like. But not EVERY SINGLE ONE of my posts are PR or Sentai related.

“You care way too much.” I don’t see how anyone can “care way too much” about their hobby or about something that they are passionate about. If I “care way too much” about a television show meant for children, then she “cares way too much” about what I post.

“It’s annoying.” My posts annoy her. Wow. I’ve never known anyone who’s been this emotionally invested in what I post. It’s astonishing.

“I want to unfollow you on everything.” That’s completely fine. I get it. I post a lot of things that she has no interest for. I’d unfollow someone for the same reason. However, that’s all I’d do. I’d just unfollow the account, not get so emotionally invested in those posts to the point where it gets “annoying.”

And I told her that it was completely fine for her to unfollow me on everything she pleases. But she HAD to continue:  

It’s just…you complain about student loans but it seems like you keep buying dolls like every day why do you need so many all the do is collect dust.

I joke about my student loans. Yes, I have debt to pay. But I’m not stupid. I’m not going to spend all my money on “dolls” that just “collect dust.” I know how to budget my money. I know that I’m an adult and that I have adult things to pay for. I know I have to save up money for the future. I’m not irresponsible. I don’t buy “dolls” everyday. And I don’t buy them just so that they “collect dust.”

The diction she uses just shows that she’s legitimately mad about what I post and maybe even about my lifestyle, like she’s my mom or something. My actual mom isn’t even ridiculous like this. The use of the word “dolls” instead of using “action figures” or “toys” shows that my posts have really gotten under her skin, which makes her try to get under mine.  

It’s just amazing that she’s connecting my debt to what I post on social media. What is she mad about exactly? That I post too much PR-related stuff online or that I spend too much money on PR-related stuff? Or maybe I care too much about something I’m passionate about? The world may never know.

It gets better:

Don’t take it up the butt… unless you want it

What???

That was my friend but I just want to let you know, as a friend, that you should reevaluate your life decisions.

Are you kidding me? You had your friend text me? That says a lot about your character.

She probably talked about this “problem” with her friend. How is she so heavily invested in what I post on social media to the point that she has to talk to her friend about it? Who cares about what I or anyone else posts? There are other things to get annoyed and mad about. Friggin Donald Trump is president as she’s all worked up about this? Just having her friend text me something so stupid is immature, and it shows that she still has that high school mentality. It’s such a high schooler thing to do. C’mon, you’re in college now.

To top it all off, she tells me to “reevaluate [my] life decisions.” Okay, mom.

Does she think she’s helping some sort of nonexistent problem I have? She’s talking to me like I have some sort of mental illness, like I need some sort of psychological treatment. I’m a college-educated individual who graduated cum laude and will be starting a new good-paying job in just over a week. But the fact that I post “too much Power Rangers” makes me some sort of insane addict. The fact that I post “too much Power Rangers” is somehow a hindrance on her and her life.  

I’ve heard stories from other Power Rangers fans about similar things – losing friends because they like a certain thing, even though that thing doesn’t harm or hurt anyone. I always thought the idea of losing a friend because they are bothered by what you like is ridiculous. What kind of friend is that?

But apparently some people just get too invested in stupid little things, like harmless posts of things that a certain person likes on social media. Never in my life has someone been legitimately angry about what I put on my own social media accounts. It’s mind-boggling.

This bothers me because Power Rangers and Super Sentai are shows that have impacted my life and have helped shape me into the person that I am right now. To tell me to “reevaluate [my] like decisions” is an insult. Try to insult me more and say that “it’s a kid’s show,” which isn’t an insult, it’s FACT. Every Power Rangers fan knows damn well that this is a kid’s show. But to us, it’s more than that. But you wouldn’t understand if you lack a driving passion for anything.

It bothered me so much that I had to talk to my friends about it. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – I’m lucky to have the friends that I have. Keep in mind, none of my closest friends are into Power Rangers:

“Oh hell no. Someone be talking shit about my brother’s love for Power Rangers?”

“She’s dumb if she thinks we care [about how much PR stuff you post]!”

“Do you post a lot of [Power Rangers]? Yeah, but that’s because you like them! Duh.”

“It don’t bother me none. I mean, it’s repetitive but I love you and I know you love it so I don’t give a shit if you post millions. It’s literally your blog. It’s a visual representation of what matters to you so why would I tell you to stop?”

“I think your love for Power Rangers is admirable. Because it’s genuine. Because like, wow, you really love Power Rangers. That much love for something is really cool. I really love to see people get excited about stuff. I remember back in December 2015… [you and I] talked for like two hours at Walmart about Power Rangers. I don’t like Power Rangers, but I appreciate how much you like it.”  

“Tell her to eat a bag o dicks.”

Ok, that last one wasn’t necessary, but it made me laugh.

I really do appreciate their support, and the support I get from my family too. It feels nice to know that there are people around you that support your interests, even if it’s just a kid’s show through the eyes of many.

Finally, a message to her:

I’d like for us to be cool. I really do. But you really shouldn’t have said what you said. No, this is not an overreaction. This is something that legitimately bothers me, because not only have you attacked a huge part of my life and a huge part of who I am, but you have also tried to take control of my life by telling me to “reevaluate” my choices and criticize my lifestyle. I’m unsure as to why you are so very much emotionally invested in what I post on my own social media accounts. Am I hurting you in any way? Are my posts making you sick? I’m pretty sure I’m not physically hurting you with my posts. But it seems like they’re hurting you emotionally for some god forsaken reason. Seriously, get over it. If they bother you THAT much (for whatever reason), the “unfollow” button is right there. At this point, I’d rather have you unfollow me.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I got some Instagraming to do.

Four Easy Ways to Kickstart a Social Media Detox in 2020

At the start of the twenty-tens, your wristwatch couldn’t talk to you, Instagram was just on the brink of launching and comparing yourself to your “followers” was hardly a concept. And now, social media rules our lives in this digitally-saturated world we find ourselves in. That being said, as we settle into a new decade, people are yearning for ways to unplug and rediscover the things this world has to offer beyond our screens. According to Pinterest’s report of top trends to try in 2020, which is based off of growth in search volumes, interest in a social media detox is up a huge 314 per cent.

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Put yourself first for 2020. Finding balance is a top cultural theme for 2020 ⚖️ ⁣ ⁣ 📌: Link in bio to see all the trends on our #Pinterest100 site

A post shared by Pinterest (@pinterest) on Jan 16, 2020 at 4:50pm PST

Social worker and psychotherapist Melissa Fellin tells FASHION that when people are routinely looking at social media, their self esteem and self confidence take a hit. “Social media is just another media source that is influencing people’s self image,” she shares, adding that digital devices are isolating, “leading people to feel lonely even though they feel connected.” Constant exposure to social media is also one of the root causes of anxiety, stress and burnout.

The solution? Take a step back from your devices and connect with the tangible world around you. Here are some tips to get your own digital detox underway:

Replace the habit

Fellin says that the main point of a digital detox is to get you out of the habit of using your devices. To stay on track, find something positive to replace those digital moments with. For example, spending your commute immersed in a book will pass the time much faster than aimlessly toggling between apps.

Get creative

Reflecting on experiences with her child and adult clients alike, Fellin says people are more creative when they step away from social channels and digital devices. “They are better able to use their imagination, they’re more creative in their lives and they start to be pro social — going out, playing, doing things that they normally wouldn’t do because they were already doing [a version of] it online.” Yep, you heard it right… this is your time to take that adult dance class or head out to paint night.

Pursue human connection

If you rely on your devices to connect with others, Fellin suggests making a conscious effort to hold meetings IRL or see friends and family as this will take you outside of your bubble. If you don’t have any companionships in your area, joining classes and groups in the community is the easiest way to make some.

Embrace low-key down time

With so much going on in the world, it’s easy to feel lonely and bored in the confines of your home. However, it is worth considering that this fabricated connection to the outside world via your devices really isn’t giving you much, as Fellin alluded to earlier. Tune into your thoughts and appreciate your down time with journaling, kitchen experiments or a challenging puzzle. The end-result is drastically more satisfying.

And if embarking on a digital detox still seems daunting, get inspired by celebs like Lizzo, who, with boss-like energy, ditched Twitter at the start of this year.

Yeah I can’t do this Twitter shit no more.. too many trolls… ✌🏾

I’ll be back when I feel like it.

— Feelin Good As Hell (@lizzo) January 6, 2020

This Pinterest trend didn’t come out of nowhere, however, as certain celebrities really made the case for Instagram absences in 2019. Selena Gomez, the fifth most followed Instagram user, shared her relationship with the app on LIVE with Kelly and Ryan last June, revealing that she doesn’t have it downloaded to her phone. “It’s just become really unhealthy, I think personally, for young people including myself, to spend all of their time fixating on all these comments and letting this stuff in,” the 27-year-old star shared, explaining that if she wants to share something she will use someone else’s phone. “It was affecting me, it would make me depressed, it would make me feel [bad] about myself. I’d look at my body differently.”

Another user who recognized the need for an Instagram break is actress Freida Pinto, who, upon her return to the platform last summer, outlined the benefits she encountered during her hiatus.

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(Part 2 of 2) So, In that time off some wonderful things happened: 1. I read more books. 2. I slept an undisturbed 7 to 8 hrs every night. 3. I had more time to workout meditate and plan my meals right. 4. I didn't get headaches and motion sickness from scrolling in moving cars. 5. I was more curious about the details of the current affairs and not just headlines. 6. I didn't fall into that deep dark hole that starts with a photo of your bestie on a holiday and a wasted hour later ends up on an account of cute golden retrievers doing cute things.(although those retrievers did brighten up my day often) 7. I stopped getting drawn into ads and buying more than I needed. 8. I was a lot more clueless on who wore what, ate what, kissed who..and my gosh I am happy to be clueless again! 9. My phone battery stayed alive longer. Woohoo! 10. I now know all the hues that I might have missed that come to make Cory's beautiful blue eyes! 😍 So here I am…Making an appearance on this platform but this time very aware of what I want to put out on it and more importantly what I certainly don't want to take from it. I do enjoy sharing my thoughts and views, especially when they are positive and can inspire on a public platform. But I still plan on sleeping 8 hrs undisturbed every night with lowered cortisol levels. Wouldn't trade that for blue light exposure before bedtime ever again! I am sharing my story with you because I know there is a large majority out there who relate and if any of you are planning on going/have gone on a real insta detox or have found that using this platform meaningfully and positively, maybe even sparingly has bettered your life. Then I highly recommed it and… Congratulations! Until next time Love and positive vibes FP … 📸: @go_dwells

A post shared by Freida Pinto (@freidapinto) on Jul 12, 2019 at 9:35am PDT

Considering everyone’s experience is different, you may not feel the need to get rid of social media altogether. Instead find success in cautiously curating what you consume. “Some people decide to only follow people they know, or they’ll decide to delete, block or unfollow people that they feel are giving them negativity and are making them feel bad about themselves,” Fellin adds. The message is clear: choose your own adventure, based on your own happiness. Likes be damned.

iframe.instagram-media { position: static !important; }

The post Four Easy Ways to Kickstart a Social Media Detox in 2020 appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

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{#TransparentTuesday} Our guts are NEVER WRONG

Years ago I met a man who was/is a big deal in the online fitness business world.

At the time, he was nothing but outwardly kind to me, but I immediately had a very bad feeling in my gut about him.

He struck me as manipulative, toxic, narcissistic, and emotionally abusive… all while never actually doing anything I could point to to explain why I felt that way.

I was in my early twenties, only a handful of years after getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship myself, and easily triggered into feeling unsafe, so when I told my partner (a friend of this man) that I had a bad gut feeling, we both assumed it was just my own trigger-y stuff coming up, and I ignored it and moved on.

Over the years the feeling persisted.

I watched as this man broke up with a girlfriend, who had told me he made her sign a contract to never to mention on the internet that they were together, so he could maintain his single “playboy” image online for his brand.

I watched him blatantly lie about his workouts (which were done at my gym) too. I was there during his training sessions at my gym, and I watched in wonder as he bragged about PRs that he never hit, and lied about circuits that he never did.

I was in the beginning stages of launching my online business back then, so despite the fact that my bad feeling about him never went away, I considered him somewhat of a business and branding mentor. He is amazing at branding, a brilliant writer and extremely successful creator, and of the most charming men you’ll ever meet.

I went to his wedding and really, really wanted to believe he was the great guy the rest of the world saw.

But over the next few years as I moved away from the fitness industry and became a nomad, we lost touch and as I watched from afar and heard whispered stories, I became less impressed and more worried about his wife.

I talked out “my trigger” with friends, trying to label what my gut was telling me. I talked about the patterns I saw between my own abuser, other abusers I’ve known, and this man, but I always came up somewhat empty, with a statement like “I just feel like he’s… dangerous.”

I almost reached out to his wife many times, as she was a friend through the fitness industry who I admired but wasn’t close to, but I always got stuck on what I would say.

“Hi, I have a bad feeling about your husband and I’m worried about your safety. Are you ok?”

That’s extremely rude at best, plus I still felt silly, convinced that it was just my overly sensitive trigger-system, because I had been emotionally abused, and was projecting things.

Eventually his wife came out online, and started talking about her separation from her ex-husband, his many complex and congruent affairs, and his manipulative, abusive, narcissistic behavior.

I was horrified of course, but not surprised.

I unfollowed his work immediately, and spent some time thinking about the gut feeling I’d had all this time. How did I know? WTF was my gut basing it on? Why didn’t I say anything? What would there have been to say?

Last week I talked to this man’s ex-wife about some of the details of abuse, and I told her about the bad feeling I’d had for years, and that I wished I’d reached out sooner. She told me that many other women told her after everything came out that they had bad feelings about him too.

I was struck by the image of dozens or even hundreds of women over the years, all individually and silently feeling that something was off, but unable to say why or prove it, and afraid of unfairly accusing someone of something, looking stupid, or upsetting someone.

One thing worth noting here is that abusive men tend to be extremely charming, well-liked, and successful. If you’ve never been in an abusive relationship you might imagine that they are monsters from the get-go, but actually it’s the complete opposite.

Abusers are often the most romantic, the most sensitive, the most sweet and wonderful… otherwise how would they ever hook women into staying??

They are masters of tactical empathy and manipulation, so they make people fall in love with them, and then leverage that power to get what they want. They are often extremely popular in their community, beloved by their friends, and the exact last person you would ever suspect of abuse. Their entire lives are alibis, set up to gaslight their abused partners, and this man was no different.

Good looking, charming, successful, and with a flair for romance and sensitivity, most people who knew him were SHOCKED when his wife started telling the truth about him and their relationship. He has an undeniable talent for manipulation and abuse (which often goes hand in hand with having a gift for “branding and marketing,” for the record). He uses those gifts to curate the truth, gaslight his partner, make himself look like a victim, and come away untouched.

Now, it’s obviously not his wife’s responsibility to speak up and spend her energy on calling out his behavior. She’s getting on with her life, for fuck’s sake.

But this man is still successful in the fitness world, his career untouched by his despicable behavior, and still exercising his influence and abuse over other young women, which is one of the reasons I wanted to write this today– as a warning to anyone on my list who might happen to know him, follow him, or work with him.

When I first wrote this, in fact, I was going to out him by name in the subject line, because fuck that guy, everyone needs to know the truth about him.

But then I talked to a few people who were concerned about libel, and him coming at me legally if I damaged his reputation on the internet. He is, after all, an abuser with a huge ego and huge financial resources and influence. If he wanted to destroy me (even though everything I’m saying is true) he absolutely could.

For the record, this makes me burn in RAGE, because this is exactly how abusers get away with it.

They create lives and personas that function to protect themselves from ever being called out or held accountable for their behavior, they silence anyone who might come at them, and they use their privileges to live above the law and avoid consequences.

As a member of this man’s community, I desperately want to warn you about him, to protect the other women in my industry, and to out this guy publicly. His name is burning on my lips as I write this, but I am afraid of what he would do. Even publishing this without his name is a huge risk.

So despite feeling like an absolute coward, I will not name him. I suspect if you are reading this and have any chance of coming across him IRL and need the warning, you’ll know who I mean. (I’m happy to have a conversation about it privately to confirm.)

As far as I’m concerned, this article is about 9 years too late. This man’s wife said to feel free to talk about everything she told me, to keep the women in my network safe and spread the message far and wide that this man, this leader in the online fitness industry, is a chronic liar, abuser, and all around horrible person.

That said, this article is more than just a warning about one man’s despicable behavior. (Because that’s old news by now, amiright?)

This is also an exposition of the power and accuracy of our gut feelings.

A few weeks ago, I made an instagram story about Lewis Howes, because I was reading his book on masculinity. I talked about how it felt yucky and disingenuous, although I consciously downplayed the feeling because I couldn’t prove why I felt that way, and have never met him personally.

A personal friend of his messaged me soon after, to confirm that while he is a brilliant marketer (read, again: manipulator), his whole message is not actually genuine at all. I thought, “yeah I know.” But I didn’t know. I just felt it.

My gut is always right. It’s wild. How about yours?

Soooo many women felt the truth about the fitness guy’s character in our guts years ago, but there was no useful place to come forward about those gut feelings until it was too late.

Personally I’m convinced that our guts are never wrong, but what do we do with that?

Is there any benefit to talking more openly about our bad gut feelings before we have proof? Would it help anyone if we spoke up to share them?

If you were falling in love with someone who seemed to be Mr. Right, and 30 women told you they had bad feelings about him, would you listen? Could it help?

And is there a better way for us to acknowledge these kinds of feelings as valid, useful, powerful, and accurate, without making them synonymous with “evidence”? I really hope so, but I don’t know what that could look like.

No answers today. Just questions and rage.

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Our guts are NEVER WRONG appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

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{#TransparentTuesday} Our guts are NEVER WRONG

Years ago I met a man who was/is a big deal in the online fitness business world.

At the time, he was nothing but outwardly kind to me, but I immediately had a very bad feeling in my gut about him.

He struck me as manipulative, toxic, narcissistic, and emotionally abusive… all while never actually doing anything I could point to to explain why I felt that way.

I was in my early twenties, only a handful of years after getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship myself, and easily triggered into feeling unsafe, so when I told my partner (a friend of this man) that I had a bad gut feeling, we both assumed it was just my own trigger-y stuff coming up, and I ignored it and moved on.

Over the years the feeling persisted.

I watched as this man broke up with a girlfriend, who had told me he made her sign a contract to never to mention on the internet that they were together, so he could maintain his single “playboy” image online for his brand.

I watched him blatantly lie about his workouts (which were done at my gym) too. I was there during his training sessions at my gym, and I watched in wonder as he bragged about PRs that he never hit, and lied about circuits that he never did.

I was in the beginning stages of launching my online business back then, so despite the fact that my bad feeling about him never went away, I considered him somewhat of a business and branding mentor. He is amazing at branding, a brilliant writer and extremely successful creator, and of the most charming men you’ll ever meet.

I went to his wedding and really, really wanted to believe he was the great guy the rest of the world saw.

But over the next few years as I moved away from the fitness industry and became a nomad, we lost touch and as I watched from afar and heard whispered stories, I became less impressed and more worried about his wife.

I talked out “my trigger” with friends, trying to label what my gut was telling me. I talked about the patterns I saw between my own abuser, other abusers I’ve known, and this man, but I always came up somewhat empty, with a statement like “I just feel like he’s… dangerous.”

I almost reached out to his wife many times, as she was a friend through the fitness industry who I admired but wasn’t close to, but I always got stuck on what I would say.

“Hi, I have a bad feeling about your husband and I’m worried about your safety. Are you ok?”

That’s extremely rude at best, plus I still felt silly, convinced that it was just my overly sensitive trigger-system, because I had been emotionally abused, and was projecting things.

Eventually his wife came out online, and started talking about her separation from her ex-husband, his many complex and congruent affairs, and his manipulative, abusive, narcissistic behavior.

I was horrified of course, but not surprised.

I unfollowed his work immediately, and spent some time thinking about the gut feeling I’d had all this time. How did I know? WTF was my gut basing it on? Why didn’t I say anything? What would there have been to say?

Last week I talked to this man’s ex-wife about some of the details of abuse, and I told her about the bad feeling I’d had for years, and that I wished I’d reached out sooner. She told me that many other women told her after everything came out that they had bad feelings about him too.

I was struck by the image of dozens or even hundreds of women over the years, all individually and silently feeling that something was off, but unable to say why or prove it, and afraid of unfairly accusing someone of something, looking stupid, or upsetting someone.

One thing worth noting here is that abusive men tend to be extremely charming, well-liked, and successful. If you’ve never been in an abusive relationship you might imagine that they are monsters from the get-go, but actually it’s the complete opposite.

Abusers are often the most romantic, the most sensitive, the most sweet and wonderful… otherwise how would they ever hook women into staying??

They are masters of tactical empathy and manipulation, so they make people fall in love with them, and then leverage that power to get what they want. They are often extremely popular in their community, beloved by their friends, and the exact last person you would ever suspect of abuse. Their entire lives are alibis, set up to gaslight their abused partners, and this man was no different.

Good looking, charming, successful, and with a flair for romance and sensitivity, most people who knew him were SHOCKED when his wife started telling the truth about him and their relationship. He has an undeniable talent for manipulation and abuse (which often goes hand in hand with having a gift for “branding and marketing,” for the record). He uses those gifts to curate the truth, gaslight his partner, make himself look like a victim, and come away untouched.

Now, it’s obviously not his wife’s responsibility to speak up and spend her energy on calling out his behavior. She’s getting on with her life, for fuck’s sake.

But this man is still successful in the fitness world, his career untouched by his despicable behavior, and still exercising his influence and abuse over other young women, which is one of the reasons I wanted to write this today– as a warning to anyone on my list who might happen to know him, follow him, or work with him.

When I first wrote this, in fact, I was going to out him by name in the subject line, because fuck that guy, everyone needs to know the truth about him.

But then I talked to a few people who were concerned about libel, and him coming at me legally if I damaged his reputation on the internet. He is, after all, an abuser with a huge ego and huge financial resources and influence. If he wanted to destroy me (even though everything I’m saying is true) he absolutely could.

For the record, this makes me burn in RAGE, because this is exactly how abusers get away with it.

They create lives and personas that function to protect themselves from ever being called out or held accountable for their behavior, they silence anyone who might come at them, and they use their privileges to live above the law and avoid consequences.

As a member of this man’s community, I desperately want to warn you about him, to protect the other women in my industry, and to out this guy publicly. His name is burning on my lips as I write this, but I am afraid of what he would do. Even publishing this without his name is a huge risk.

So despite feeling like an absolute coward, I will not name him. I suspect if you are reading this and have any chance of coming across him IRL and need the warning, you’ll know who I mean. (I’m happy to have a conversation about it privately to confirm.)

As far as I’m concerned, this article is about 9 years too late. This man’s wife said to feel free to talk about everything she told me, to keep the women in my network safe and spread the message far and wide that this man, this leader in the online fitness industry, is a chronic liar, abuser, and all around horrible person.

That said, this article is more than just a warning about one man’s despicable behavior. (Because that’s old news by now, amiright?)

This is also an exposition of the power and accuracy of our gut feelings.

A few weeks ago, I made an instagram story about Lewis Howes, because I was reading his book on masculinity. I talked about how it felt yucky and disingenuous, although I consciously downplayed the feeling because I couldn’t prove why I felt that way, and have never met him personally.

A personal friend of his messaged me soon after, to confirm that while he is a brilliant marketer (read, again: manipulator), his whole message is not actually genuine at all. I thought, “yeah I know.” But I didn’t know. I just felt it.

My gut is always right. It’s wild. How about yours?

Soooo many women felt the truth about the fitness guy’s character in our guts years ago, but there was no useful place to come forward about those gut feelings until it was too late.

Personally I’m convinced that our guts are never wrong, but what do we do with that?

Is there any benefit to talking more openly about our bad gut feelings before we have proof? Would it help anyone if we spoke up to share them?

If you were falling in love with someone who seemed to be Mr. Right, and 30 women told you they had bad feelings about him, would you listen? Could it help?

And is there a better way for us to acknowledge these kinds of feelings as valid, useful, powerful, and accurate, without making them synonymous with “evidence”? I really hope so, but I don’t know what that could look like.

No answers today. Just questions and rage.

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Our guts are NEVER WRONG appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2NKrY1d

{#TransparentTuesday} Our guts are NEVER WRONG

Years ago I met a man who was/is a big deal in the online fitness business world.

At the time, he was nothing but outwardly kind to me, but I immediately had a very bad feeling in my gut about him.

He struck me as manipulative, toxic, narcissistic, and emotionally abusive… all while never actually doing anything I could point to to explain why I felt that way.

I was in my early twenties, only a handful of years after getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship myself, and easily triggered into feeling unsafe, so when I told my partner (a friend of this man) that I had a bad gut feeling, we both assumed it was just my own trigger-y stuff coming up, and I ignored it and moved on.

Over the years the feeling persisted.

I watched as this man broke up with a girlfriend, who had told me he made her sign a contract to never to mention on the internet that they were together, so he could maintain his single “playboy” image online for his brand.

I watched him blatantly lie about his workouts (which were done at my gym) too. I was there during his training sessions at my gym, and I watched in wonder as he bragged about PRs that he never hit, and lied about circuits that he never did.

I was in the beginning stages of launching my online business back then, so despite the fact that my bad feeling about him never went away, I considered him somewhat of a business and branding mentor. He is amazing at branding, a brilliant writer and extremely successful creator, and of the most charming men you’ll ever meet.

I went to his wedding and really, really wanted to believe he was the great guy the rest of the world saw.

But over the next few years as I moved away from the fitness industry and became a nomad, we lost touch and as I watched from afar and heard whispered stories, I became less impressed and more worried about his wife.

I talked out “my trigger” with friends, trying to label what my gut was telling me. I talked about the patterns I saw between my own abuser, other abusers I’ve known, and this man, but I always came up somewhat empty, with a statement like “I just feel like he’s… dangerous.”

I almost reached out to his wife many times, as she was a friend through the fitness industry who I admired but wasn’t close to, but I always got stuck on what I would say.

“Hi, I have a bad feeling about your husband and I’m worried about your safety. Are you ok?”

That’s extremely rude at best, plus I still felt silly, convinced that it was just my overly sensitive trigger-system, because I had been emotionally abused, and was projecting things.

Eventually his wife came out online, and started talking about her separation from her ex-husband, his many complex and congruent affairs, and his manipulative, abusive, narcissistic behavior.

I was horrified of course, but not surprised.

I unfollowed his work immediately, and spent some time thinking about the gut feeling I’d had all this time. How did I know? WTF was my gut basing it on? Why didn’t I say anything? What would there have been to say?

Last week I talked to this man’s ex-wife about some of the details of abuse, and I told her about the bad feeling I’d had for years, and that I wished I’d reached out sooner. She told me that many other women told her after everything came out that they had bad feelings about him too.

I was struck by the image of dozens or even hundreds of women over the years, all individually and silently feeling that something was off, but unable to say why or prove it, and afraid of unfairly accusing someone of something, looking stupid, or upsetting someone.

One thing worth noting here is that abusive men tend to be extremely charming, well-liked, and successful. If you’ve never been in an abusive relationship you might imagine that they are monsters from the get-go, but actually it’s the complete opposite.

Abusers are often the most romantic, the most sensitive, the most sweet and wonderful… otherwise how would they ever hook women into staying??

They are masters of tactical empathy and manipulation, so they make people fall in love with them, and then leverage that power to get what they want. They are often extremely popular in their community, beloved by their friends, and the exact last person you would ever suspect of abuse. Their entire lives are alibis, set up to gaslight their abused partners, and this man was no different.

Good looking, charming, successful, and with a flair for romance and sensitivity, most people who knew him were SHOCKED when his wife started telling the truth about him and their relationship. He has an undeniable talent for manipulation and abuse (which often goes hand in hand with having a gift for “branding and marketing,” for the record). He uses those gifts to curate the truth, gaslight his partner, make himself look like a victim, and come away untouched.

Now, it’s obviously not his wife’s responsibility to speak up and spend her energy on calling out his behavior. She’s getting on with her life, for fuck’s sake.

But this man is still successful in the fitness world, his career untouched by his despicable behavior, and still exercising his influence and abuse over other young women, which is one of the reasons I wanted to write this today– as a warning to anyone on my list who might happen to know him, follow him, or work with him.

When I first wrote this, in fact, I was going to out him by name in the subject line, because fuck that guy, everyone needs to know the truth about him.

But then I talked to a few people who were concerned about libel, and him coming at me legally if I damaged his reputation on the internet. He is, after all, an abuser with a huge ego and huge financial resources and influence. If he wanted to destroy me (even though everything I’m saying is true) he absolutely could.

For the record, this makes me burn in RAGE, because this is exactly how abusers get away with it.

They create lives and personas that function to protect themselves from ever being called out or held accountable for their behavior, they silence anyone who might come at them, and they use their privileges to live above the law and avoid consequences.

As a member of this man’s community, I desperately want to warn you about him, to protect the other women in my industry, and to out this guy publicly. His name is burning on my lips as I write this, but I am afraid of what he would do. Even publishing this without his name is a huge risk.

So despite feeling like an absolute coward, I will not name him. I suspect if you are reading this and have any chance of coming across him IRL and need the warning, you’ll know who I mean. (I’m happy to have a conversation about it privately to confirm.)

As far as I’m concerned, this article is about 9 years too late. This man’s wife said to feel free to talk about everything she told me, to keep the women in my network safe and spread the message far and wide that this man, this leader in the online fitness industry, is a chronic liar, abuser, and all around horrible person.

That said, this article is more than just a warning about one man’s despicable behavior. (Because that’s old news by now, amiright?)

This is also an exposition of the power and accuracy of our gut feelings.

A few weeks ago, I made an instagram story about Lewis Howes, because I was reading his book on masculinity. I talked about how it felt yucky and disingenuous, although I consciously downplayed the feeling because I couldn’t prove why I felt that way, and have never met him personally.

A personal friend of his messaged me soon after, to confirm that while he is a brilliant marketer (read, again: manipulator), his whole message is not actually genuine at all. I thought, “yeah I know.” But I didn’t know. I just felt it.

My gut is always right. It’s wild. How about yours?

Soooo many women felt the truth about the fitness guy’s character in our guts years ago, but there was no useful place to come forward about those gut feelings until it was too late.

Personally I’m convinced that our guts are never wrong, but what do we do with that?

Is there any benefit to talking more openly about our bad gut feelings before we have proof? Would it help anyone if we spoke up to share them?

If you were falling in love with someone who seemed to be Mr. Right, and 30 women told you they had bad feelings about him, would you listen? Could it help?

And is there a better way for us to acknowledge these kinds of feelings as valid, useful, powerful, and accurate, without making them synonymous with “evidence”? I really hope so, but I don’t know what that could look like.

No answers today. Just questions and rage.

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Our guts are NEVER WRONG appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2NKrY1d

{#TransparentTuesday} Our guts are NEVER WRONG

Years ago I met a man who was/is a big deal in the online fitness business world.

At the time, he was nothing but outwardly kind to me, but I immediately had a very bad feeling in my gut about him.

He struck me as manipulative, toxic, narcissistic, and emotionally abusive… all while never actually doing anything I could point to to explain why I felt that way.

I was in my early twenties, only a handful of years after getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship myself, and easily triggered into feeling unsafe, so when I told my partner (a friend of this man) that I had a bad gut feeling, we both assumed it was just my own trigger-y stuff coming up, and I ignored it and moved on.

Over the years the feeling persisted.

I watched as this man broke up with a girlfriend, who had told me he made her sign a contract to never to mention on the internet that they were together, so he could maintain his single “playboy” image online for his brand.

I watched him blatantly lie about his workouts (which were done at my gym) too. I was there during his training sessions at my gym, and I watched in wonder as he bragged about PRs that he never hit, and lied about circuits that he never did.

I was in the beginning stages of launching my online business back then, so despite the fact that my bad feeling about him never went away, I considered him somewhat of a business and branding mentor. He is amazing at branding, a brilliant writer and extremely successful creator, and of the most charming men you’ll ever meet.

I went to his wedding and really, really wanted to believe he was the great guy the rest of the world saw.

But over the next few years as I moved away from the fitness industry and became a nomad, we lost touch and as I watched from afar and heard whispered stories, I became less impressed and more worried about his wife.

I talked out “my trigger” with friends, trying to label what my gut was telling me. I talked about the patterns I saw between my own abuser, other abusers I’ve known, and this man, but I always came up somewhat empty, with a statement like “I just feel like he’s… dangerous.”

I almost reached out to his wife many times, as she was a friend through the fitness industry who I admired but wasn’t close to, but I always got stuck on what I would say.

“Hi, I have a bad feeling about your husband and I’m worried about your safety. Are you ok?”

That’s extremely rude at best, plus I still felt silly, convinced that it was just my overly sensitive trigger-system, because I had been emotionally abused, and was projecting things.

Eventually his wife came out online, and started talking about her separation from her ex-husband, his many complex and congruent affairs, and his manipulative, abusive, narcissistic behavior.

I was horrified of course, but not surprised.

I unfollowed his work immediately, and spent some time thinking about the gut feeling I’d had all this time. How did I know? WTF was my gut basing it on? Why didn’t I say anything? What would there have been to say?

Last week I talked to this man’s ex-wife about some of the details of abuse, and I told her about the bad feeling I’d had for years, and that I wished I’d reached out sooner. She told me that many other women told her after everything came out that they had bad feelings about him too.

I was struck by the image of dozens or even hundreds of women over the years, all individually and silently feeling that something was off, but unable to say why or prove it, and afraid of unfairly accusing someone of something, looking stupid, or upsetting someone.

One thing worth noting here is that abusive men tend to be extremely charming, well-liked, and successful. If you’ve never been in an abusive relationship you might imagine that they are monsters from the get-go, but actually it’s the complete opposite.

Abusers are often the most romantic, the most sensitive, the most sweet and wonderful… otherwise how would they ever hook women into staying??

They are masters of tactical empathy and manipulation, so they make people fall in love with them, and then leverage that power to get what they want. They are often extremely popular in their community, beloved by their friends, and the exact last person you would ever suspect of abuse. Their entire lives are alibis, set up to gaslight their abused partners, and this man was no different.

Good looking, charming, successful, and with a flair for romance and sensitivity, most people who knew him were SHOCKED when his wife started telling the truth about him and their relationship. He has an undeniable talent for manipulation and abuse (which often goes hand in hand with having a gift for “branding and marketing,” for the record). He uses those gifts to curate the truth, gaslight his partner, make himself look like a victim, and come away untouched.

Now, it’s obviously not his wife’s responsibility to speak up and spend her energy on calling out his behavior. She’s getting on with her life, for fuck’s sake.

But this man is still successful in the fitness world, his career untouched by his despicable behavior, and still exercising his influence and abuse over other young women, which is one of the reasons I wanted to write this today– as a warning to anyone on my list who might happen to know him, follow him, or work with him.

When I first wrote this, in fact, I was going to out him by name in the subject line, because fuck that guy, everyone needs to know the truth about him.

But then I talked to a few people who were concerned about libel, and him coming at me legally if I damaged his reputation on the internet. He is, after all, an abuser with a huge ego and huge financial resources and influence. If he wanted to destroy me (even though everything I’m saying is true) he absolutely could.

For the record, this makes me burn in RAGE, because this is exactly how abusers get away with it.

They create lives and personas that function to protect themselves from ever being called out or held accountable for their behavior, they silence anyone who might come at them, and they use their privileges to live above the law and avoid consequences.

As a member of this man’s community, I desperately want to warn you about him, to protect the other women in my industry, and to out this guy publicly. His name is burning on my lips as I write this, but I am afraid of what he would do. Even publishing this without his name is a huge risk.

So despite feeling like an absolute coward, I will not name him. I suspect if you are reading this and have any chance of coming across him IRL and need the warning, you’ll know who I mean. (I’m happy to have a conversation about it privately to confirm.)

As far as I’m concerned, this article is about 9 years too late. This man’s wife said to feel free to talk about everything she told me, to keep the women in my network safe and spread the message far and wide that this man, this leader in the online fitness industry, is a chronic liar, abuser, and all around horrible person.

That said, this article is more than just a warning about one man’s despicable behavior. (Because that’s old news by now, amiright?)

This is also an exposition of the power and accuracy of our gut feelings.

A few weeks ago, I made an instagram story about Lewis Howes, because I was reading his book on masculinity. I talked about how it felt yucky and disingenuous, although I consciously downplayed the feeling because I couldn’t prove why I felt that way, and have never met him personally.

A personal friend of his messaged me soon after, to confirm that while he is a brilliant marketer (read, again: manipulator), his whole message is not actually genuine at all. I thought, “yeah I know.” But I didn’t know. I just felt it.

My gut is always right. It’s wild. How about yours?

Soooo many women felt the truth about the fitness guy’s character in our guts years ago, but there was no useful place to come forward about those gut feelings until it was too late.

Personally I’m convinced that our guts are never wrong, but what do we do with that?

Is there any benefit to talking more openly about our bad gut feelings before we have proof? Would it help anyone if we spoke up to share them?

If you were falling in love with someone who seemed to be Mr. Right, and 30 women told you they had bad feelings about him, would you listen? Could it help?

And is there a better way for us to acknowledge these kinds of feelings as valid, useful, powerful, and accurate, without making them synonymous with “evidence”? I really hope so, but I don’t know what that could look like.

No answers today. Just questions and rage.

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Our guts are NEVER WRONG appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2NKrY1d

{#TransparentTuesday} Our guts are NEVER WRONG

Years ago I met a man who was/is a big deal in the online fitness business world.

At the time, he was nothing but outwardly kind to me, but I immediately had a very bad feeling in my gut about him.

He struck me as manipulative, toxic, narcissistic, and emotionally abusive… all while never actually doing anything I could point to to explain why I felt that way.

I was in my early twenties, only a handful of years after getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship myself, and easily triggered into feeling unsafe, so when I told my partner (a friend of this man) that I had a bad gut feeling, we both assumed it was just my own trigger-y stuff coming up, and I ignored it and moved on.

Over the years the feeling persisted.

I watched as this man broke up with a girlfriend, who had told me he made her sign a contract to never to mention on the internet that they were together, so he could maintain his single “playboy” image online for his brand.

I watched him blatantly lie about his workouts (which were done at my gym) too. I was there during his training sessions at my gym, and I watched in wonder as he bragged about PRs that he never hit, and lied about circuits that he never did.

I was in the beginning stages of launching my online business back then, so despite the fact that my bad feeling about him never went away, I considered him somewhat of a business and branding mentor. He is amazing at branding, a brilliant writer and extremely successful creator, and of the most charming men you’ll ever meet.

I went to his wedding and really, really wanted to believe he was the great guy the rest of the world saw.

But over the next few years as I moved away from the fitness industry and became a nomad, we lost touch and as I watched from afar and heard whispered stories, I became less impressed and more worried about his wife.

I talked out “my trigger” with friends, trying to label what my gut was telling me. I talked about the patterns I saw between my own abuser, other abusers I’ve known, and this man, but I always came up somewhat empty, with a statement like “I just feel like he’s… dangerous.”

I almost reached out to his wife many times, as she was a friend through the fitness industry who I admired but wasn’t close to, but I always got stuck on what I would say.

“Hi, I have a bad feeling about your husband and I’m worried about your safety. Are you ok?”

That’s extremely rude at best, plus I still felt silly, convinced that it was just my overly sensitive trigger-system, because I had been emotionally abused, and was projecting things.

Eventually his wife came out online, and started talking about her separation from her ex-husband, his many complex and congruent affairs, and his manipulative, abusive, narcissistic behavior.

I was horrified of course, but not surprised.

I unfollowed his work immediately, and spent some time thinking about the gut feeling I’d had all this time. How did I know? WTF was my gut basing it on? Why didn’t I say anything? What would there have been to say?

Last week I talked to this man’s ex-wife about some of the details of abuse, and I told her about the bad feeling I’d had for years, and that I wished I’d reached out sooner. She told me that many other women told her after everything came out that they had bad feelings about him too.

I was struck by the image of dozens or even hundreds of women over the years, all individually and silently feeling that something was off, but unable to say why or prove it, and afraid of unfairly accusing someone of something, looking stupid, or upsetting someone.

One thing worth noting here is that abusive men tend to be extremely charming, well-liked, and successful. If you’ve never been in an abusive relationship you might imagine that they are monsters from the get-go, but actually it’s the complete opposite.

Abusers are often the most romantic, the most sensitive, the most sweet and wonderful… otherwise how would they ever hook women into staying??

They are masters of tactical empathy and manipulation, so they make people fall in love with them, and then leverage that power to get what they want. They are often extremely popular in their community, beloved by their friends, and the exact last person you would ever suspect of abuse. Their entire lives are alibis, set up to gaslight their abused partners, and this man was no different.

Good looking, charming, successful, and with a flair for romance and sensitivity, most people who knew him were SHOCKED when his wife started telling the truth about him and their relationship. He has an undeniable talent for manipulation and abuse (which often goes hand in hand with having a gift for “branding and marketing,” for the record). He uses those gifts to curate the truth, gaslight his partner, make himself look like a victim, and come away untouched.

Now, it’s obviously not his wife’s responsibility to speak up and spend her energy on calling out his behavior. She’s getting on with her life, for fuck’s sake.

But this man is still successful in the fitness world, his career untouched by his despicable behavior, and still exercising his influence and abuse over other young women, which is one of the reasons I wanted to write this today– as a warning to anyone on my list who might happen to know him, follow him, or work with him.

When I first wrote this, in fact, I was going to out him by name in the subject line, because fuck that guy, everyone needs to know the truth about him.

But then I talked to a few people who were concerned about libel, and him coming at me legally if I damaged his reputation on the internet. He is, after all, an abuser with a huge ego and huge financial resources and influence. If he wanted to destroy me (even though everything I’m saying is true) he absolutely could.

For the record, this makes me burn in RAGE, because this is exactly how abusers get away with it.

They create lives and personas that function to protect themselves from ever being called out or held accountable for their behavior, they silence anyone who might come at them, and they use their privileges to live above the law and avoid consequences.

As a member of this man’s community, I desperately want to warn you about him, to protect the other women in my industry, and to out this guy publicly. His name is burning on my lips as I write this, but I am afraid of what he would do. Even publishing this without his name is a huge risk.

So despite feeling like an absolute coward, I will not name him. I suspect if you are reading this and have any chance of coming across him IRL and need the warning, you’ll know who I mean. (I’m happy to have a conversation about it privately to confirm.)

As far as I’m concerned, this article is about 9 years too late. This man’s wife said to feel free to talk about everything she told me, to keep the women in my network safe and spread the message far and wide that this man, this leader in the online fitness industry, is a chronic liar, abuser, and all around horrible person.

That said, this article is more than just a warning about one man’s despicable behavior. (Because that’s old news by now, amiright?)

This is also an exposition of the power and accuracy of our gut feelings.

A few weeks ago, I made an instagram story about Lewis Howes, because I was reading his book on masculinity. I talked about how it felt yucky and disingenuous, although I consciously downplayed the feeling because I couldn’t prove why I felt that way, and have never met him personally.

A personal friend of his messaged me soon after, to confirm that while he is a brilliant marketer (read, again: manipulator), his whole message is not actually genuine at all. I thought, “yeah I know.” But I didn’t know. I just felt it.

My gut is always right. It’s wild. How about yours?

Soooo many women felt the truth about the fitness guy’s character in our guts years ago, but there was no useful place to come forward about those gut feelings until it was too late.

Personally I’m convinced that our guts are never wrong, but what do we do with that?

Is there any benefit to talking more openly about our bad gut feelings before we have proof? Would it help anyone if we spoke up to share them?

If you were falling in love with someone who seemed to be Mr. Right, and 30 women told you they had bad feelings about him, would you listen? Could it help?

And is there a better way for us to acknowledge these kinds of feelings as valid, useful, powerful, and accurate, without making them synonymous with “evidence”? I really hope so, but I don’t know what that could look like.

No answers today. Just questions and rage.

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Our guts are NEVER WRONG appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2NKrY1d

{#TransparentTuesday} Our guts are NEVER WRONG

Years ago I met a man who was/is a big deal in the online fitness business world.

At the time, he was nothing but outwardly kind to me, but I immediately had a very bad feeling in my gut about him.

He struck me as manipulative, toxic, narcissistic, and emotionally abusive… all while never actually doing anything I could point to to explain why I felt that way.

I was in my early twenties, only a handful of years after getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship myself, and easily triggered into feeling unsafe, so when I told my partner (a friend of this man) that I had a bad gut feeling, we both assumed it was just my own trigger-y stuff coming up, and I ignored it and moved on.

Over the years the feeling persisted.

I watched as this man broke up with a girlfriend, who had told me he made her sign a contract to never to mention on the internet that they were together, so he could maintain his single “playboy” image online for his brand.

I watched him blatantly lie about his workouts (which were done at my gym) too. I was there during his training sessions at my gym, and I watched in wonder as he bragged about PRs that he never hit, and lied about circuits that he never did.

I was in the beginning stages of launching my online business back then, so despite the fact that my bad feeling about him never went away, I considered him somewhat of a business and branding mentor. He is amazing at branding, a brilliant writer and extremely successful creator, and of the most charming men you’ll ever meet.

I went to his wedding and really, really wanted to believe he was the great guy the rest of the world saw.

But over the next few years as I moved away from the fitness industry and became a nomad, we lost touch and as I watched from afar and heard whispered stories, I became less impressed and more worried about his wife.

I talked out “my trigger” with friends, trying to label what my gut was telling me. I talked about the patterns I saw between my own abuser, other abusers I’ve known, and this man, but I always came up somewhat empty, with a statement like “I just feel like he’s… dangerous.”

I almost reached out to his wife many times, as she was a friend through the fitness industry who I admired but wasn’t close to, but I always got stuck on what I would say.

“Hi, I have a bad feeling about your husband and I’m worried about your safety. Are you ok?”

That’s extremely rude at best, plus I still felt silly, convinced that it was just my overly sensitive trigger-system, because I had been emotionally abused, and was projecting things.

Eventually his wife came out online, and started talking about her separation from her ex-husband, his many complex and congruent affairs, and his manipulative, abusive, narcissistic behavior.

I was horrified of course, but not surprised.

I unfollowed his work immediately, and spent some time thinking about the gut feeling I’d had all this time. How did I know? WTF was my gut basing it on? Why didn’t I say anything? What would there have been to say?

Last week I talked to this man’s ex-wife about some of the details of abuse, and I told her about the bad feeling I’d had for years, and that I wished I’d reached out sooner. She told me that many other women told her after everything came out that they had bad feelings about him too.

I was struck by the image of dozens or even hundreds of women over the years, all individually and silently feeling that something was off, but unable to say why or prove it, and afraid of unfairly accusing someone of something, looking stupid, or upsetting someone.

One thing worth noting here is that abusive men tend to be extremely charming, well-liked, and successful. If you’ve never been in an abusive relationship you might imagine that they are monsters from the get-go, but actually it’s the complete opposite.

Abusers are often the most romantic, the most sensitive, the most sweet and wonderful… otherwise how would they ever hook women into staying??

They are masters of tactical empathy and manipulation, so they make people fall in love with them, and then leverage that power to get what they want. They are often extremely popular in their community, beloved by their friends, and the exact last person you would ever suspect of abuse. Their entire lives are alibis, set up to gaslight their abused partners, and this man was no different.

Good looking, charming, successful, and with a flair for romance and sensitivity, most people who knew him were SHOCKED when his wife started telling the truth about him and their relationship. He has an undeniable talent for manipulation and abuse (which often goes hand in hand with having a gift for “branding and marketing,” for the record). He uses those gifts to curate the truth, gaslight his partner, make himself look like a victim, and come away untouched.

Now, it’s obviously not his wife’s responsibility to speak up and spend her energy on calling out his behavior. She’s getting on with her life, for fuck’s sake.

But this man is still successful in the fitness world, his career untouched by his despicable behavior, and still exercising his influence and abuse over other young women, which is one of the reasons I wanted to write this today– as a warning to anyone on my list who might happen to know him, follow him, or work with him.

When I first wrote this, in fact, I was going to out him by name in the subject line, because fuck that guy, everyone needs to know the truth about him.

But then I talked to a few people who were concerned about libel, and him coming at me legally if I damaged his reputation on the internet. He is, after all, an abuser with a huge ego and huge financial resources and influence. If he wanted to destroy me (even though everything I’m saying is true) he absolutely could.

For the record, this makes me burn in RAGE, because this is exactly how abusers get away with it.

They create lives and personas that function to protect themselves from ever being called out or held accountable for their behavior, they silence anyone who might come at them, and they use their privileges to live above the law and avoid consequences.

As a member of this man’s community, I desperately want to warn you about him, to protect the other women in my industry, and to out this guy publicly. His name is burning on my lips as I write this, but I am afraid of what he would do. Even publishing this without his name is a huge risk.

So despite feeling like an absolute coward, I will not name him. I suspect if you are reading this and have any chance of coming across him IRL and need the warning, you’ll know who I mean. (I’m happy to have a conversation about it privately to confirm.)

As far as I’m concerned, this article is about 9 years too late. This man’s wife said to feel free to talk about everything she told me, to keep the women in my network safe and spread the message far and wide that this man, this leader in the online fitness industry, is a chronic liar, abuser, and all around horrible person.

That said, this article is more than just a warning about one man’s despicable behavior. (Because that’s old news by now, amiright?)

This is also an exposition of the power and accuracy of our gut feelings.

A few weeks ago, I made an instagram story about Lewis Howes, because I was reading his book on masculinity. I talked about how it felt yucky and disingenuous, although I consciously downplayed the feeling because I couldn’t prove why I felt that way, and have never met him personally.

A personal friend of his messaged me soon after, to confirm that while he is a brilliant marketer (read, again: manipulator), his whole message is not actually genuine at all. I thought, “yeah I know.” But I didn’t know. I just felt it.

My gut is always right. It’s wild. How about yours?

Soooo many women felt the truth about the fitness guy’s character in our guts years ago, but there was no useful place to come forward about those gut feelings until it was too late.

Personally I’m convinced that our guts are never wrong, but what do we do with that?

Is there any benefit to talking more openly about our bad gut feelings before we have proof? Would it help anyone if we spoke up to share them?

If you were falling in love with someone who seemed to be Mr. Right, and 30 women told you they had bad feelings about him, would you listen? Could it help?

And is there a better way for us to acknowledge these kinds of feelings as valid, useful, powerful, and accurate, without making them synonymous with “evidence”? I really hope so, but I don’t know what that could look like.

No answers today. Just questions and rage.

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Our guts are NEVER WRONG appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

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Twitter Rules, Blawgs Drool

Want to know how clueless I am? When twitter came onto the scene, I scoffed. Back in 2008, the blawgosphere was in full swing, vibrant and, for the most part, pretty darn thoughtful. Posts were a fraction of the length of a law review article, informal and, for the most part, sound. Sure, there were some bad actors in the blawgosphere, and some less-than-good actors, but at least there was good stuff to balance it out.

But I was wrong, and twitter became a thing. I refused to accept this for a while, and even now refuse to discuss my blawg posts on twitter, as twits are transitory and thus fail to contribute to the discussion here. It doesn’t stop anyone from commenting about a post on twitter, but I won’t engage with it. One law student chastised me for it, impugning my motives because she demanded I do things her way. Aren’t law students adorable?

Today, however, my posts are too long and require too much effort, and they aren’t read by enough people to make a difference. David French explains why.

One of the first things you learn when you start your professional life is that the people who care the most have the most influence.

It’s true in every business, from entertainment to the law to politics. In fact, given our extreme levels of public apathy and civic ignorance, it’s remarkable how few people it takes to transform a political debate.

When one juxtaposes the influence of people who care versus people are are apathetic, this assertion is sound. But caring alone isn’t enough. There are tons of folks who care, and I mean really care, who have no influence at all. It may be because their passion is offset by their ignorance or their attitude, such that they can care all day long but nobody cares back.

And that brings us to Twitter. By measure of active users, it’s a lightweight. Facebook is the behemoth, with more than 2.2 billion people on the platform. YouTube has 1.9 billion, Instagram 1 billion. Twitter is all the way down below China’s Qzone and TikTok at a mere 335 million. But in public influence it punches far above its weight. Why? Because it’s where cultural kingmakers congregate, and thus where conventional wisdom is formed and shaped — often instantly and thoughtlessly.

In other words, Twitter is where the people who care the most spend their time. The disproportionate influence of microbursts of instant public comments from a curated set of people these influencers follow shapes their writing and thinking and conduct way beyond the platform.

This raises a serious question. What makes someone a “cultural kingmaker”? Why do millions of people follow Kylie Jenner? Why do other people have twelve followers despite tens of thousands of twits? Why do the latter persist in twit-storming the former, when they’re just random people who harbor the mistaken belief that people who don’t know them care deeply about their feelings on a broad array of issues?

Even worse, given the geographic and social sorting that dominates American life, Twitter can present any given activist with a near-exclusive look at the other side of the aisle. Thus, MAGA-Twitter is Trump’s America. Social-Justice Twitter is progressive America. And to the extent that other influencers (CEOs, studio heads, government bureaucrats, etc.) are online themselves, they’re often captured by the same hysteria.

David is, as everyone who twits is aware, absolutely right about the perception created on the twitters. There are complete nutjobs spewing utter nonsense who huge followings who are taken to represent wide swatches of America. While one can question whether they really do, the fact that they have hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of followers can’t be ignored. Nobody forces anyone to follow them. If someone follows (or unfollows), that’s a personal choice. That people follow someone as loony as Amy Siskind or Seth Abramson (who has blocked me) speaks to the influence they wield.

Yet, David continues to write blog-post length articles, just as I continue to write SJ posts (although he does so for a living, while I, purist that I am, do so for love). Why bother? If we’re not reaching enough people to influence the masses, to gather millions of followers and, with a pithy twit, change the course of legal or political discussion, is this anything more than mental masturbation?

It’s tempting, when reading a news feed full of rage and hysteria, to console yourself in the knowledge that it’s “just Twitter.” But behind those angry, hyperbolic tweets (well, the blue-check-marked ones, anyway) are people, and those people are disproportionately the most engaged and most influential men and women in American public life. It’s “just” the American political class putting its rage and intemperance on display, hoping to remake the world in its own irate image. And the surprising success of that attempted makeover should scare you, whatever your own political views are.

It does scare me, but less so for its influence than for its shallowness. My initial reaction to twitter haunts me, that the constraint of a twit, a “microburst” as David calls it, is just enough to fuel the simpletons to fury, but markedly short of achieving any communication of depth. What it’s manage to accomplish, beyond merely spreading misinformation to the confirmation biased, is leave people with the firm belief that all problems, all issues, all positions, are susceptible to a 280 (up from the original 140 character) solution. Anything beyond a twit is too requires too much effort to consider.

What twitter has managed to do is create tribes that rally around slogans with neither the knowledge nor experience to grasp what the hell they’re talking about. And yet, we take these tribes seriously as a reflection of what society believes, what people really want. The problem with twitter isn’t just whether it reflects only the loudest, most hyperbolic views, but whether it has managed to replace the expression of any deeper thought with the most simplistic of echo chambers.

What scares me isn’t that twitter rules, but that blawgs, short-form though they may be, are too long and require too much effort to be worth the bother to read. When it comes to law, more than a twit is almost always necessary to address any issue thoughtfully and accurately. But the only thing harder than law is thinking.

There is no expedient to which a man will not resort to avoid the real labor of thinking.

–Sir Joshua Reynolds

Who knew the expedient would end up being twitter?

Twitter Rules, Blawgs Drool republished via Simple Justice