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q-loves-you · 2 years

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An Asexual Conundrum

I've been trying to think of a good way to word this, and I think part of the problem is just that I don't have a conclusion. But I'm going to try anyway because maybe someone else does.

It can be really hard to be asexual in queer spaces. Even if it's an entirely accepting and inclusive queer space! It's no one's fault. But being asexual, and particularly I think being a sex-repulsed or sex-indifferent asexual, gets really lonely sometimes. The problem for me with the queer groups and events I've been part of, is that they're all sooner or later...really sexual.

And that's not because queer people are inherently more sexual. It's because explicitly queer spaces are the spaces where queer sexuality is safe to be addressed, talked about, flaunted, celebrated. And that's great! People should have that space! And a queer meet-up or pride event is the space.

But when you're asexual (and/or aromantic but I can't speak from experience there, I'm just extrapolating) it can also be really isolating to find that even though the genders and roles have changed and there are fewer restrictions on what kind of sex and relationships are allowed or up for discussion, sex and relationships are still the primary topic of conversation.

This isn't a case of anyone doing anything wrong. It's a problem of conflicting needs. Allosexual queer folks need a place to discuss their sexuality without fear. Asexuals need an escape from relentless compulsory sexuality. Unfortunately, we only share the one space most of the time, and because allosexuals outnumber us and because asexuals don't want to discourage positive sexuality, the aces are generally going to be the ones left behind.

There are possible solutions like ace-specific groups but while that might work in some more densely populated places, it's going to be very hard to get enough aces in one place to have a group like that. There isn't really one good solution as far as I've been able to think. I don't want to ask allo queers to tone down the sex at pride or queer support groups, because that wouldn't be fair to them, and there's a lot of baggage with that notion in respectability politics and "you can be gay just don't shove it in our faces."

But man, sometimes I do wish it were easier to meet up with fellow queer people and not let sex drive the conversation. (Pun intended.)

Mandatory disclaimer here: I'm one sex-repulsed asexual person, and I'm sure my experience isn't universal. I realize the language I use above is very generalizing but that's just for ease of writing because clarifying "but not always" after every sentence would get really tired really quickly.

TL;DR: Allo queer people are finding a place to safely talk about their sexuality and relationships but aces in the same spaces can feel even more isolated. Nobody is wrong.

#god i hope this makes sense #and doesn't result in a classic tumblr discourse backlash #we really just need a massive societal shift but since that's not happening yet I'd love to hear ideas for this problem #or maybe it's just me but i kinda doubt that

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