I have the smallest crumb of a theory. But what if howdy is mean to Latter because he’s self-conscious of being the only caterpillar (and repressed) and takes it out on his brother as a consequence. Because social expectations at the time gave him an excuse to do so?

no. ok. hoo boy. Allow Me To Be Insane Over The Most Prominent Thought I've Had Since Seeing The Update (about howdy)

i will try to be as eloquent and articulate as possible. ahem:

THAT FRUITY ASS CATERPILLAR IS REPRESSED AS FUCK, ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT?? MY GOD. HOMEBOY HAS ISSUES STACKED ON ISSUES. GET HIM SOME THERAPY.

ok. ok ok ok. Now allow me to be articulate and eloquent

so obviously Howdy is almost certainly queer in the men-loving flavor. if i'm wrong about this my confidence will never recover. But I'm Willing To Take That Chance. so he's definitely queer, right? his.. well his everything points to it, but the final nail in the coffin are his rainbow suspenders from the group Homewarming artwork from Eddie's prolonged breakdown.

but this update i think showed us deeper into that part of him. and i take the shipping goggles off for genuine analysis, so when i say this i believe that there is Serious Evidence and seems Genuinely Plausible - if Howdy doesn't have feelings for Barnaby, i'll eat my cat.

the above is important to say because it Directly ties in to how Howdy treats Latter AND Eddie.

so. Howdy is likely gay or bi, what have you. i'm guessing gay. he obviously has feelings for Barnaby. SO WHAT I'M SAYING IS that i don't think Howdy treats Latter the way he does because of the caterpillar thing, I think Howdy treats Latter the way he does because Latter is genuine and Howdy is not.

what does this have to do with Eddie? well. look at Latter and Eddie in relation to each other. they're both... how do i say... Open. and not - not effeminate, but yes, for lack of of a better word, effeminate. just enough to make one go "huh." and Howdy treats them the same way - dismissive, apathetic, one could even say avoidant.

i wouldn't be shocked if Howdy picked up on their queerness (and if Latter isn't queer, his comfort with himself / his behavior & interests) and is on the defensive about it - likely subconsciously.

and with Latter specifically. Howdy could have also picked up on the way his other family members treat him if they're all also dismissive - as Seeya seems to be as well. i mean, it fits right in line with the time period! homophobia - internalized in Howdy's case (again, most likely). the blatant favoritism, the dismissive nature, it all adds up. even if no one outright knows, that subconscious recognition (or outright suspicion!) will do this

i mean, Latter makes me think of two things. 1) being the only queer kid in a family (especially large). 2) being a middle child. there was a third but i forgor. it felt important! it's gone now! anyway it's also Super telling comparing how Howdy treats Latter (emotional, earnest, open) to how he treats Beeya (oozing stereotypical masculinity)

tl;dr so i don't think it's really "expectations giving Howdy an excuse" as it is "subconscious / internalized homophobia causes Howdy to act the way he does"

as always, take all this with a Hefty grain of salt!

The Wizard & I, reflections on the solar eclipse

Moon, 27 Aquarius - February 15th, 2018

Death is not to be delayed—it is the unfurling of the lotus in moonlight, hidden throughout the day, a magic available only to those who stay up past their bedtime. Our fear of such is unnatural, like a door we’re told never to open. A shaman taught me that our entire lives are lived in preparation for death, the final journey. The symbolic deaths experienced during ceremony would offer glimpses into the other worlds that in our technology-drenched ecosystem we couldn’t even begin to fathom.

In Denis Villeneuve’s brilliant film of extraterrestrial contact, Arrival, the lead character’s tragic confrontation with death hinges on the survival of the human race. The extraterrestrials’ amorphous, time-bending language seems to suggest that death is not the end, not as we know it. 

As eclipses are often times of great beginnings, they also harbor the power to end. Unless you’re offered an appropriate awareness, this power can manifest in ways that feel utterly overwhelming to the core. That could be the point, however—instead of searching for ways to dilute your experience, whether it be through projections, virtual media, or feeling good about paying your taxes, allow the pain of something being wrong with the people on this planet to wash over you, and understand that there is probably no hope for life as we know it. Even from a purely practical, scientific standpoint, it’s not hard to come to this conclusion. And no, cool as it sounds, we will not live on in robots. Do a little research, pull back the curtain, you’ll see the wizard. 

Since the eclipse is in Aquarius—on my birthday, no less—light pondering is in order. Perhaps a seance will summon beings from another world to take us on an archetypal journey to kill God. What would life truly be with the death of one assumed creator, a true devil rampaging senseless destruction across the entire planet? To many, killing God is the death of their entire reality as they know it. But, what if there is more to this reality? What if devoting yourself to God is the truest sin? Reading these words might send some into a fury—silence the thoughts lest they spread further, and further, as sense settles into the brain, the illusion shattering, knowing full well that I am correct.   

In Back to Methuselah, George Bernard Shaw writes of an encounter with Father Addis, who was attempting to convert him to Catholicism. “I grant you a maker of God. I grant you a maker of the maker of God. I grant you a long line of makers as you please; but an infinity of makers is unthinkable and extravagant: it is no harder to believe in number one than in number fifty thousand or fifty million; so why not accept number one and stop there, since no attempt to get behind him will remove your logical difficulty?” Shaw responded, “By your leave, it is as easy for me to believe that the universe made itself as that a maker of the universe made himself: in fact much easier; for the universe visibly exists and makes itself as it goes along, whereas a maker for it is a hypothesis.” After much deliberating, the father revealed that “he should go mad if he lost his belief.”   

"Tests of faith," at the end of the day, are nothing but convenient excuses for what is already known to be true. Now, we’re all entitled to pretend and play with whatever deity we wish, but sit well with the truths of the Father and his rampant misdeeds, and you will see that you are worshipping pure evil.   

The death of self, mind, concept, and ultimately, body, is the opportunity to metamorphose into something completely new. The caterpillar dies in its cocoon, the true phoenix, giving birth to a new being in the form of a butterfly. In this way, the death of religion, and the death of God, is something to be pondered in the formation of a new mode of consciousness. As violence rages, the mass-ordained, led by the bought media, grows confused with the battling of old concepts and narratives meant to perpetuate the drama. We can no longer afford to argue within the “right to believe”—it is time to abandon what no longer serves us, shed the skin, stop making excuses for the ego’s selfish whims to align itself with whatever deity it was raised under, whatever has made you most comfortable over the years, whatever has congealed itself through family, and recognize that since all beliefs are arbitrary, if one belief executes even the slightest harm against another, then that belief must be banished completely, lest you face utter extinction by the forces of Nature herself. The butterfly does not spring out of nowhere—it requires the literal death of its old self to exist. New moons, and solar eclipses, are often presented with the context of “new beginnings,” but the old must be harvested for the new seed to be planted. Death is necessary for birth. The world at large is utterly ignorant of this philosophy, living in complete fear of half of the equation. 

Imperatively, meditate on what must die during this eclipse. I’ve largely answered that question for myself, as made evident by this post. Then, ask yourself, in purest Aquarian fashion, what would a completely new mode of existence look like? What is the purest expression of life? What is your highest desire? Throw out all attempts at finding God, enlightenment, Nirvana, or whatever unattainable state has been teased on the horizon, and ask, what  your ideal current state, now, in complete attunement with the natural world? What if you looked below, and not up? What if the Earth, and its natural state, is all that’s needed? What if the butterfly makes perfect sense?

Instead of killing the God responsible for our psychopathic madness, humans senselessly kill and judge each other over arbitrary concepts--dancing in circles, laying blame on varying creeds of the same origin--misguided aggression, and menial differences that cease all relevance once we die. It is time we turn our attention to what would truly be a worthy Head on a spike--metaphorically, of course.