I'm alive, but I'm dead Hear my voice up in your head

about me tag game thing

i was tagged by the wonderful @nothingunrealistic! thank you very much ily <3

under read more bc i was not capable of keeping my answers brief this time around

why did you choose your url?

this...was supposed to be a short explanation but it turned into quite a tale so strap in i guess because we are going on a ride. back in 2017 i was just getting into musical theatre rp and i was still feeling too shy to really talk to anyone ooc so i would just wait for people i wanted to interact with to post starter calls so i could just do things in character with them the easy way. So i did this with my friend cam, who posted a starter for me using a lyric from If I Could Tell Her. she linked the song so i could listen to it, so i did and i went ‘wait a minute, is that Ben Platt from Pitch Perfect?? (and other things too, but i only recognized his voice at the time bc of the acappella girl movies)’ and yes it certainly was.

i had zero idea what the plot of Dear Evan Hansen was about at that point, and for some reason based off Just That One Song and the poster art of who i assumed was Some Guy in a Polo Shirt i started to think it was about some jock guy who broke his arm and had an emo/goth friend who had either died or gone missing under mysterious circumstances. also i intuited that Evan had a crush on his friend’s sister but he couldn’t tell her that directly or his emo friend would kick his ass. so i was like mostly wrong, but a little bit right.

oh and i knew jared and alana were characters from the show bc cam said that they were i think?? but i had no idea what their role was. so after listening to if i could tell her, i listened to good for you and all i really got out of that was that evan the apparently not-jock guy had done...something... that really hurt jared and alana. and at that point i finally decided to go look up a plot synopsis and i found out i was waaay off base. but honestly this is why cast recordings should include scene dialogue in the songs bc otherwise you just get soundtracks like dear evan hansen where the songs have like. zero context. we really just go from waving through a window to for forever to sincerely me without like. any reason as to what is happening huh. It’s honestly not a surprise anymore that all those people on twitter had no idea the plot isn’t about gay teenagers.

anyways. cam was writing jared and she made a post at one point about wishing somebody would write alana and i was like ‘oh i could do that!’ (after i had actually Seen a bootleg and finally knew what the whole story was, of course) so i made a multimuse rp blog featuring alana beck, nabulungi hatimbi, chloe valentine and some other characters, and cam started sharing her headcanons with me that alana is trans, jared and alana were close friends when they were little kids but they sort of drifted apart as they got older and their priorities in life changed, jared was the first person alana came out to when she realized she’s trans, etc.

one night i started talking about wanting to pick a more theatre-relevant url for my blog and trans-[character name] urls were getting pretty popular, and at least 3 of the friends i made through rp had changed theirs to coordinating trans-[character name] and i think it was cam suggested i should make mine be trans-alana so i did. eventually i realized the unhyphenated version was available so i changed it to transalana with no hyphen and i have lived here ever since. sometimes i think about changing it but i feel like transalana has become a part of My Brand and i am not so great with coming up with cool names for things.

any side blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them

in theory, i have sideblogs... i don’t really use them, but of the ones i do have, there is:

emsbookblog - this was supposed to be where i would post excerpts of the book that i’m working on, but i think i did that maybe one time roughly 2 years ago and then promptly forgot about it/got nervous about my writing and was scared to share anything else. the rest of the stuff that is there is assorted writing tips. i don’t really know what to do with it now. i probably should post all my little thoughts about em and anita and caleb there instead of infodumping on my main from time to time, but if i do that then i have to promo a sideblog and direct people over to it which is always annoying to me when i could just do it on this blog which is much easier

dearnovelhansen - this is basically no longer used, but was a sideblog i made specifically to talk/complain about the novel adaptation of Dear Evan Hansen which was about 3 years ago?? maybe? i can’t be trusted to understand the passage of time. but to summarize: i thought it was an honor just to have the story be made more accessible since many of us couldn’t see the stage performance, but i hated a lot of the creative liberties that were taken. my main grumbles are that everyone who isn’t evan or connor is done so dirty in the novel. connor’s still kind of done dirty in the book, but not as much as like. heidi, alana, jared, and zoe are.

horseisle3 - this one was meant to be a place where i could just enthusiastically post screenshots from hi3, but instead it turned into a blog where i occasionally reblog other players’ hi3 content and bitch about how bad the game admins are bc hi3 is the tumblr famous (infamous?) homophobic horse game. the game where it was once okay to call your club store the gulag bc according to their head of hr, ‘it’s just a russian word for prison’ but you can’t say ‘im gay’ without somebody accusing you of corrupting young children who play the game. unfortunately there aren’t very many good interactive horse games out there, so this one is still about as good as it gets. it’s either that or star stable and i don’t care about star stable.

mlaenie - i’ve had this url saved for i don’t even know how long. way way way back in the day when i wanted to escape from the clutches of the onceler fandom i abandoned my first blog where i basically had an alter ego i guess?? and i decided to just be myself on the new blog. i don’t fully remember who came up with it, but one of my sister’s mutuals suggested that if you scrambled the letters in your name you could come up with aesthetic-looking urls. so lauren’s url became lrauen, and to match with her mine became mlaenie, which i abandoned on tumblr after about a year or so? but have continued to use as my main username on twitter, reddit, youtube, xbox, steam, and discord. i barely ever use any of these accounts aside from twitter, steam, and xbox, but yeah. so i’ve decided to try and turn this empty sideblog into a place for video game thoughts maybe. we’ll see how long it lasts this time around.

how long have you been on tumblr?

i made my first tumblr account in december of 2010, but i didn’t understand how to use it at all or how to customize my theme to look cool and unique so i quickly abandoned it. i made a new account in september of 2011 after some kids at school and my sister told me i should and i have been trapped here with varying degrees of activity/inactivity ever since. i have witnessed the rise and fall of the lorax/onceler fandom, hyperfocused on lord of the rings, star wars and back to the future all at the same time, and for the past 4 years i’ve mostly been a musical theatre blog with assorted other fandom stuff mixed in. i feel i have seen everything and nothing, but mostly i’m just tired and bored.

do you have a queue tag?

no bc i don’t use a queue. i’ve tried using it in the past but i irrationally feel pressured to sustain a coherent theme to queued posts and my brain simply does not vibe with that so i just don’t use it at all anymore. Instead i instantly reblog or post several unrelated thoughts in succession and then don’t post again at all for 3 days. the way god intended

why did you start your blog in the first place?

my very first blog was intended to be a place for me to post all of my petz 5 animals’ profile info, but i didn’t have any understanding of how coding worked at all and i don’t think i really wanted to learn, either. so it just sat there, unused. my second attempt at blogging was as a classic rock fandom person, so as you can probably imagine i was pretty pretentious about ‘modern pop’ vs the beatles, the rolling stones, the who, the monkees, and so on. and then i slowly devolved into a lorax fandom blog and everything went to shit so i made a new blog for lord of the rings/the hobbit which later evolved to include star wars and back to the future blogging. and then for the past 4 years i’ve been mainly a musical theatre blog with other random stuff i like thrown haphazardly into the pot. wonderful.

why did you choose your icon/pfp?

because my url is transalana and two of my most prominent lgbt headcanons are that alana beck is trans and a lesbian. i gotta be shouting out @kinqmike though bc she’s the one i adopted the trans alana beck headcanon from in the first place!

why did you choose your header?

in 2017 i was hyperfixating on Dear Evan Hansen (and Be More Chill, but there weren’t many gif-able videos then considering it ran for a month in New Jersey in 2015 and there was only one yet-to-resurface 35 minute bootleg) so i just grabbed a random gif off of google. i really should get to replacing it with a new header of my own though. i just don’t know what i should do for it.

what’s your post with the most notes?

i have lost track of how many notes it has (i think it’s somewhere around 200 now?) but when Will Roland and George Salazar performed Two Player Game on Good Morning America, i posted a screencap of their Jeremy and Michael along with that one quiz answer meme that says stuff like ‘i want to see it grow up healthy’. i didn’t tag it with any ship names or anything because i was anxious about having it show up in the tags, but somebody who reblogged it from me did tag it as boyf riends and i firmly believe it took off because of that. i don’t think i make posts that are relevant enough to amass thousands of notes, even by accident. which is probably a good thing bc if i did i would have to block so many of them.

how many followers do you have?

on this blog? 175 according to the counter. how many of those are still real people and how many are bots and abandoned accounts? i have no idea.

how many people do you follow?

i try to keep it somewhere around 200. i think i’m sitting at 180 right now but i kind of need to go through and clear out the really inactive blogs.

have you made a shitpost?

let’s think about this for a second. i’ve been on tumblr for nearly 10 years. you might even be able to say i’ve made more than one. they’re just not what you would call...popular shitposts.

how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ post?

that stuff makes me so incredibly anxious that i have to fight the urge to want to yeet my laptop or mobile device through the closest window whenever i read it, so i try very hard to avoid any sort of ‘if you don’t reblog this, i’m judging you’ posts. i find them very manipulative and not particularly helpful

do you like tag games?

yeah babey!! i just frequently forget to do them, but please know that if you have ever tagged me in a tag game i felt incredibly touched by the gesture and the @mention even if i completely forgot to do the thing afterward

do you like ask games?

i do! but also rip to literally anyone who has ever sent me an ask meme bc it takes me so long to answer them. i’m still working on a micro fic prompt from a few weeks ago. also, horrified to realized that it has in fact been a few weeks and not 3 days anymore.

which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

i don’t know that any are tumblr famous as a whole. but probably @neverheardnothing

do you have a crush on a mutual?

in any sort of romantic connotation? no. not that i’m aware of. there are mutuals that i have friend crushes on where i want to be friends with them but i get so anxious when it comes to meeting new people that usually nothing ever comes of it. i’m really not good at small talk or other casual conversation either which, as you may or may not be able to imagine, sucks. i just wanna skip over all of the awkward introductions and ‘hey how are you, how is life, what are you doing with yourself?’ stuff. not because i don’t care about it. i do, but i think most of my friends/the people i want to be my friends are also depressed and anxious so asking these basic questions about life tends to uh. make us all nervous. and i don’t do much with my life so i always have the most boring answers anyways.

i’m not tagging anyone officially bc the @ thing has just completely given up on me at this point, but if you want to do it, go for it. and then say i tagged you so i can read it c:

2020 Blog Recap

I saw @desira-sims make a post recapping the events on their blog for 2020 and I thought I’d steal the idea

Everyone knows 2020 has been a crazy year and for me it was no exception. I started working from home in March and I’m still working from home now. I got shingles and that was a painful process of recovery lol. And then after many things pushing it back I started streaming on twitch and hit affiliate which has been such a great experience and feels like such a fit.

Posting in tumblr has been a definite constant throughout 2020. It’s been mostly Markus’ BC and gens 5 and 6 of my not so berry but I’ve loved every second of it.

Be sure to let me know if I included any of your favorite moments or even if i\I missed yours!

January

A Muse for Markus: I started out Markus’ search for love with the thing he’s loved most in the world. It was finally time for him to find the person he loved just as much as music. Markus’ BC has by far been my favorite thing I’ve ever done in the sims and I definitely look forward to doing another BC in the future.

February

Solo dates: We started out the competition with solo dates and there were three girls who had quick leads for Markus’ and my own hearts. They all made it to the final half of the competition so obviously the initial connection meant something. From a storytelling perspective it was challenging to try to think up 12 unique dates for the girls and I learned quickly that this struggle wasn’t going to go away any time soon.

March

The first rose ceremony: *sigh* ...I took a 2 week break before actually writing this scene. I didn’t think it would actually be so hard to let someone go home but hell it really was. I don't think this was made any easier by the fact that the first girl to go home was that of one of my best friends or that it kinda came as a surprise to me literally at the end of the pre-ceremony party when I totaled up their relationship scores. I would soon learn that each elimination really does get easier.

April

The first kiss: I have so many feelings about the Angie X Markus pairing lol. I love Angie so much but I hated how her in game actions made me have to write her (I actually wrote her so much nicer than she was in game lol). Markus was OBSESSED with her for the first half of the competition and I almost felt bad for the other ladies. He viewed her through rose-tinted glasses and she could do no wrong...until she could. For some reason living an entire season (on the longest setting) together was not enough for Angie to stop feeling tense around the other girls and eventually she started taking that out on Markus. All of that being said I put so much love and care into the first of many kisses for these two and also of the competition.

May

Nadia Nadia Nadia: The early favorite to win, the first tears, and the only one to let it be known that she was upset at Markus at the end. I thought she wouldn’t actually fall in love with Markus when this thing started but by the time it was time for her to go you could just tell from in-game actions that she was way more in love with him than he was with her and that was a bit heartbreaking. This screenshot might still be my favorite screenshot ever taken. And I love that Nadia left the show just how she entered it, a fucking queen.

June

The Finale:

(Don’t tell me you expect me to pick one photo from this emotional rollercoaster of a post)

Six months is how long it took me to write this sims story and while I still stand by what I said at the start that I’m not a good writer by any means I learned a lot about writing over those six months. I learned that I CAN write if I want to, I learned that it’s okay if it takes a while to get to the end, I learned that the journey is just as important for you as it is for your readers. And most importantly to me I learned that I want to be that person who writes those cliché stories with the plots you’ve seen a million times because that’s exactly what I like to read and it’s so important that you look back and love what you put so much of yourself into creating. 

Now to these two hotties: Simnosa is no stranger to the fact that I didn’t feel much of a connection to Lorena at first (I tease her about it endlessly). It seems appropriate that Markus was the same as it allowed me to fall in love with them at the same pace that they fell in love with each other. At the very last minute I decided to make the winner a mystery till the second to last post and to have Markus get Lorena back for all the teasing and pranks she had thrown his way. I knew if I made it look like there was no winner I would never be able to pull that off again so it was quite literally now or never and I quite liked the result even if not every reader was the biggest fan of it haha. I love these two and I promise I have more planned for them once ya girl gets the time.

July

Nsb Plum: By the time I was done with the BC I was missing the Berry family something fierce so it was so refreshing to get back to something a little less story focused. 

For some reason I didn’t realize that gen 5 of the Not so Berry challenge would end up so story heavy. I never really wanted to write fighting scenes before but I also wanted to showcase that their divorce was technically neither of their faults individually. Indi was a work-a-holic because he somehow felt he had to be this super successful person in an “important” career just like his family before him and he felt that Clem didn’t understand that. While Clem left without telling him that she was pregnant and then only telling him about his daughter after he had shown signs of growing up (here’s a secret: she needed to do some growing up as well). It was like watching my children grow into adults even if they weren’t necessarily the more fair of parents.

August

Aspirations: I wrote and started posting my first sims challenge. It seems quite fitting that my sim for this challenge was Emilee as she was the reason I first started posting anything on tumblr and she and Sutter were also the only reason I ended up writing my first sims story. It was time I wrapped up their story so we can move on to that of others ~in her family~. It was so nice for me to tell a story that spanned a few years of their lives with no dialogue. I really liked this style and I’ll most definitely adopt it again in the future.

September

Nsb Orange: Back when Ginger wasn’t 90% chaos and she was at least 40% naïve. I’m always excited to move on to the next heir but Ginger had me more excited than normal.

October

October Photo Challenge:  This was a fun one, it was a nice way to give some love to the characters that I’m playing next as a bit of a preview. I also think the photos turned out pretty snazzy. 

November

Next gen: The twins are so freaking cute as both toddlers and children. What I never expected (and kinda planned against) was for them to get along or for Ginger to be such a good parent. I wanted Ian to be a bit of a loner but the two best ladies in his life love to shower him with too much love and care for him to have too much time alone.

December

End of Orange gen: I had so much fun with her story. Ginger might not be my only polyamorous sim but she’s the first one really showcased on my tumblr. I covered a lot of borderline controversial topics and it seemed like you all enjoyed it, for which I’m grateful. Gen 6 is the first generation where there are no rules on your spouse so I knew I didn’t want her to get married. But that didn’t mean I wanted her to be single. 

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Thank you all to all of you who followed and read my dumb little blog during 2020. 

And a huge thank you to all the people who made sims for me! My blog and stories would not be the same without your creative geniuses being added to the mix as well!

Hello my bbs, hope everyone’s ok!.

The amounts of screenshots I took for this....

To start: haha I guess brigid and Dylan are in the same car together, but who’s at the front? Like Dylan better keep his hands to himself of Jamie’s gonna get jealoussssss. And it’s gonna be chaotic and quinton is gonna jump out of the car lol. Unless you put quinton upfront with you? Haha yes you ignore them and just talking to quinton hehe.

Brigid I do that as well, so get ready to lose when the light turns green! Kesh also likes to drive fast so it’ll be chaoticcccc.I am banishing Ryan to the back because I would definitely lose concentration. Quinner or Braden are the only ones that can sit upfront. Preferably Quinner so that I can hold his hand🥺 but I love you too braden. There is so much to see while driving in Canada, so frequent stops will be made. Plus the boys love Canada #nostalgic.

Lmao being in the car together would be so fun!!. Haha Dylan and Jamie braiding your hair would be hilarious, like they get into the biggest knot, why do I feel like Ryan would take a picture of it and post it on his insta story and would write “nice”😂 I do wanna see it tho. but like kesh said they would be giving you puppy eyes because they don’t want you to be mad at them, I’m not sure how you would react tho?. Hehe me pulling over, and quinton and devon just redoing your hair, and then I’d make them do my hair as well:). Ok so driving with the windows down and blasting music is good with everyone, I think we would playing all music lol , country for Brigid and Kirby? I think you like country? I’m playing 2000’s music- like a g6 would be so fun to blast in the car. Everyone is just dancing in the car. Some rap will be played for the boys. Kesh what music do you like? Does anyone else have any music suggestions? Haha cozzy, Devon and Braden just being passed out for the drive and literally not waking up to the music. Late night drives are adorable, esp with the make outs hehe.

Ok so we have decided that kesh is the most responsible on the trip which I totally agree with, somebody’s gotta keep us in check. Cozzy is apparently still sleeping, boy must be tired from all those nhl games hehe. Lmao sending Kirby with us, and you yeeling at Dylan not to buy a tv😂. We would so chaotic in the grocery store, like riding in the shopping cart, but also everybody’s racing to get their food, which would be majority of junk food hehe. Honestly we would buy so much food we are literally on a vacay with hockey players who eat a lot haha. The cash register would be shocked. Awww kesh, you being like “kirbs I didn’t even give you that many directions” but him being totally clueless and just trying to kiss you. him being “hmmmm but we didn’t get a tv, and we got some carrots and veggies” lmao I love that kesh please keep writing those.

Haha you got it right, I would be so confused, like how did we get so much food ?! Brigid, you did go overboard but I love it and we will eat our candy :) Dylan bring a ps5 is the funniest shit ever. Food discussion: yes to all of those candies, all dressed ruffles are delish so imma throw in a few bags. Dark chocolate is a must, hehe we should buy fruit and veggies. I don’t think I last that long with junk food hehe. Oo yess we are go a get an Nanaimo bars and poutine :) ooo and BEAVER TAILS . Those are sooo good. I can buy for everybody, esp quinner so that we can recreated that gif of him eating one.

Haha yes, Ryan and I will be there with the non stop chirps. We love them, but still you and Dylan getting 🥵 is 🤌. Hehe yes I mean Dylan h is gorg as well so quinner better work quick lol. Ooo brigid is feeling up some muscles, we love that. But also yes to the straddling and being soft w Jamie. Kesh they are a blushing mess, because they wanna be with Brigid all the time. We are absolutely recreating those wakeboarding lake pics, we have to witness that again- esp you brigid w Dylannnnn. We love some sunscreen and aloe vera.

Thank you, boats are fun! Yess Brigid is sharing the tube with Dylan and Jamie or just making the boys jealous 😏 and me or Ryan would probably make you intentionally fall off the tube lol. Maybe I can get quinner to go with me. Ryan is just waiting for that moment for Quinner to leave to push me in but I would be to quick and grab him as well 😂. Haha brigid needs a break and is just watching us lol. Haha Braden and Ryan pulling pranks on dyl and Jamie we love that. Aww kesh Quinner is being protective and wants to be with me.oh yes, Jamie and dyl staring at Brigid cuz she’s gorgeous in her bikini. We all look hot tho. Kesh is just chilling w kirbs. Lmao “I feel like we should stop Dylan and Jamie before they hurt themselves” and then kirbs being like “Devon is with them, there goes Dylan and Jamie” I love these.

Awww Quinner following me around 🥺 we’d be cute drunks. Ooo yes, Dylan and Jamie getting jealous, but they wanna be constantly around you, so I understand. Clubbing is a success, we are all pumped up w alcohol hehe. Lmao Devon and cozzy trying to get a girl but Ryan and Braden keep foiling their plans 😂 hehe kesh just chilling and wanting to help dev and cozzy but Kirby is to busy watching quinner, also question who is he doing the body shot on?

Yess the locked room would be not a Lexi and Ryan chaos, aw yes I get to know Dylan better:)) I wanna be friends! He he yes he would start getting jealous but then maybe I’d help him get your attention, but we still gotta let you have your Jamie moments🥺

Awww we do love a body positive Queen, y’all are gorgeous !! Haha yes we need a girls day! Some good shopping will be happening, we gotta get Brigid some summery clothes. The guys would be in awe, esp Jamie Dylan and kirbyyyy !!. I do wanna steal their clothes tho. We got so handsy boys over here!. Aww kesh you would looks so cute in kirbs big shirt but also in a bikini.

Yesss Dylan and Jamie are in awe, like she’s gorgeous. Same with Kirby m.

Aww kesh you’re to nice😭 you made me cry. Me abs Quinner!

Ok imma add more gtg to practice

Xo Lexi

okkkk so i’m finally home from school and practice now so i’m ready to respond. i’m taking notes from kesh and adding a keep reading bc this is gonna be longgggg so be warned to anyone reading this

haha yes i’m keeping quinton up front with me bc i don’t want him to jump out of the car lmao. i’m not going to subject him to the possible sexual tension that would be going on in the car if dyl or jamie were in the front. like if one of them were in the front they would just start touching my thigh or something knowing the other one could see it but couldn’t do anything about it. and then i would get distracted from driving and we wouldn’t win lol. so i’m making jamie and dyl sit in the back so they mostly dyl can just yell at me to drive faster so that we win. and then i’ll just chill and talk to quinton bc i want to annoy the other two lol

haha don’t worry, me and dyl (and jamie and quinton) will dominate once again. like you guys might drive fast, but i can guarantee i drive faster. especially if dyl is yelling at me to go faster lol. haha but yes you’ll definitely have a better chance if you banish ryan to the back so he can’t distract you. so you let quinner sit in the front with you and hold your hand 🥺 but as soon as he tries to put it anywhere else you banish him to the back so you don’t get distracted lol. but we would definitely have to make a bunch of stops for the boys bc they’re back in canada

haha yes dyl and jamie try, they really do, but they can not seem to get the whole braiding thing down. and then it ends up in a huge knot and ofc ryan just laughs at my misfortune and takes pics of my hair to post on his story. haha and i’d pretend to be soooo mad at them, and i can be scary when i’m mad so they’d be freaking out and just giving me puppy eyes and being like i’m sorry i’ll make it up to you. but then eventually i can’t keep up the act anymore and just start dying of laughter and then they would be annoyed bc they were freaking out lol. but then we have to stop so that our hair can be fixed.

yesss i love driving with the windows down absolutely blasting music and then whenever you drive past someone they just turn and look at you lol. i’m really into rap and i feel like a lot of the guys are too, so we have to have a lot of rap lol. and then country for kirby and i like country too, so i’m down with that. and then for lexi we have early 2000s music, which i also like and i feel like the guys would be down with that judging by the fact that they played it in the locker room at wjc lol. kesh any other music suggestions? and somehow even tho the music blasting cozzy, devon, and braden are just out, like nothing is waking them up. omg yes late night drives are so cute 🥰 esp with a make out sesh lol

haha yes, kesh is definitely the most responsible one, bc most of the rest of us just have sm crackhead energy it’s unbelievable. somehow cozzy is still sleeping, like how? idk, but then he’s not coming with and neither is kesh so she sends kirby as the responsible one, and let’s just say that doesn’t end too well. haha us getting a million things, and then i, for once being somewhat responsible, say no we’re not buying a tv or a ps5, that’s so expensive. and they’re just like, but babe we have our nhl salaries, we can pay for it, so then i give in lmao. and everyone in the store would just be judging us bc we would be so chaotic and be running all over the store lol. and riding in the cart too lmao. and then we also have a shit ton of food and the cashier is just like wtf, but yk it’s fine. like we would have sm candy and chips, and then we would also get poutine and nanaimo bars and beaver tails. omg i want to try beaver tails soooo bad they sound so good. and then we can recreate the quinner gif lmao. but then we also have to have at least a little healthy food so we feel better about ourselves since we’re all athletes who are supposed to be following diets lmao

haha yes you and ryan would be chirping everyone for literally everything. but mostly me with dylan and jamie lmao. like literally anytime i even touch one of them you guys are all over us, and i’m just like whatever, but the guys are blushing sooo hard lol. but then since i don’t care i keep doing whatever, so like putting sunscreen/aloe vera on them and i’m straddling them, and ik we’re gonna get chirped, but i just don’t care

haha yes boats are so fun, but us on a boat = chaos. hehe all of us on our tubes, but then we’re all trying to flip each other over. and then when we’re finally being slightly calm on the boat and just sitting on the railing, ryan has to come and push lexi in, and then she pulls him in with her and it’s just chaos again. and then i’d be sitting there laughing my ass off, and then someone else decides to push me in lmao. and we’re all looking hot in our bikinis obviously so our boys are all trying to get our attention the whole time. lmao and then kesh is just chilling with kirby and trying to be the voice of reason to get jamie and dyl to stop trying to show off and then kirby’s like no they’ll be fine. they are not fine

hehe yes lexi and quinner being the cutest drunks, just being super soft with each other and clingy 🥺 but then also kind of wild bc apparently quinner is doing body shots off of you. which also i really want to do. like i don’t care if it’s jamie or dyl, but please can one of them do body shots off me? and then let’s say dyl does it first, then jamie sees him doing it and ofc he’s jealous so then jamie has to do one too. and then kesh is chilling with kirby and she’s like hey you should go be a wingman for devon and cozzy, make ryan and braden leave them alone. but kirby’s too busy watching the rest of us do body shots lmao

yes lexi finally gets to actually have an extended convo with dylan, when they’re not trying to annoy everyone who’s actually trying ofc. but then you notice him getting jealous of me with jamie, so you chirp him at first but then he’s getting really annoyed. so then you have to be like calm down, let them have their moment, you’ve have plenty lol. she likes both of you, you know

haha yes we def need a girls day where we’re not being chaotic for once lol. and then we get a lot of cute clothes and stuff. and then when we get back the guys make us model all of it for them lol. and all of them are in awe. like kirby and quinner are just like 😍😍 about you guys bc they think you’re so cute. but then also they love our clubbing clothes and are getting super handsy when we go lol. but then after clubbing we just steal their clothes and live in them for most of the rest of the vacation and they pretend to be annoyed, but they secretly don’t mind bc they think it’s hot when we wear their clothes, esp if it has their name

overall, yes i love all of this and both of you 💖 sorry it took so long lol

the last two weeks

Just two weeks ago, my friends and I went out to Yamato’s for the first time. 

It was sponsored by our dorm, so we racked up a nearly $1000 bill. We had a great time, but the end of our brunch came, and a few of us took a walk to the common for a Bernie rally, and the others went to the BPL to study. Afterwards, we all wound back on campus, and went about our Saturday doing the usual psetting. The current source of stress was the cup of grapes situation that spiraled wildly out of control, but in hindsight, it seems so inconsequential now. Eleven days ago, my friend and I went to Harvard for the day to decompress from everything. It was a beautiful day - the sun was out, we were wearing our light jackets. We went for ramen for lunch, shopped at a shoe store, and searched hopelessly for hand sanitizer. I had promised to work on my UROP but felt I deserved a day off, as I had been working tirelessly for a while. We walked around, taking it all in, I talked about how I was excited for our dinner on Friday and going to Michigan later in April for a conference. It looked like things might get better. The next day, the rumbling started. Harvard sent an email forbidding international travel. We had heard of the situation intensifying in Italy, but we were still nervously waiting to see what would happen. There were crisis-related rumblings on top of the usual school stress and all the things that had not gone well this semester, and just like that, the next day, MIT took it a step further and cancelled all large major events and banned international travel.

This was the first shock. Just earlier that day, I argued with my friend about her decision to back out of our spring break Spain trip due to coronavirus concerns. But now, five hours later, I sat on the ground in my friend's room as the shock passed over me. Every group chat was nonstop. What about CPW? What about Senior Ball? What about Springfest? Our spring break plans were definitely in the gutter now. Every question sent chills and dread down my spine. I heard someone ask whether commencement would still happen, and I cracked, not being able to face this eventuality that I prayed wouldn't happen. The rest of the day was gone, lost to the questions and stress and emails that ensued from this notification. But there were still personal conflicts. Personal problems, academic stress bubbling up to the surface for weeks, and it was coming to a head. Our dinner just over a week ago nearly didn't happen, but luckily a few of us still went to Harvard for a wonderful time. Our conversations surrounded how Harvard followed our footsteps just a day later on cancelling major events and how changes were so drastic. We contemplated whether the policy would be extended and whether our summer plans would be affected, but decided that that was too far in the future to worry about. So we ran across Harvard in the 30 degree night, snow falling from the sky, enjoying our time, not knowing what was to come. I spent what would be the last weekend preparing for a case. I prepped nonstop and thought I did really well on it in class, just this past Monday. It was a beautiful Monday, we biked to Panda Express with nothing but light jackets and we wished that every day could be like that, feeling like summer had come early in Boston. The situation outside was worsening, and we were watching closely to see what would happen. My friends from LA were trying to convince me to go to San Diego with them for a couple days now that my Spain trip was definitely cancelled. Over Twitter, we found out Princeton closed first, demanding it's undergraduates not come back from break, but i went to bed that Monday early, to prepare for a full day of research to come Tuesday, as my Tuesdays usually go, unblocked to make progress on my research. When I woke up Tuesday, there was something wrong. I knew from the blast of notifications from every group chat on every social media account I owned. My Harvard chat was 100+ messages deep by 9:30am from their closure and eviction of undergraduate students. I sat up immediately in bed and opened the other group chats, trembling. Another group of my friends were already organizing storage and coordinating travel ideas in the case that we would also be following suit after Harvard. 

I dashed to my computer to access all the other texts and call my dad, who was still awake in Taiwan. He told me to calm down and to wait. But just 30 minutes later, a screenshot leaked, confirming our worst fears - we would also be leaving campus in just a week, moving out for the semester. all classes would be online. My stomach dropped. In my attendance-based class, 2/3 of the class was present, and most were on their phone, checking for updates. We all anxiously waited the rumored 1pm email that would make it official. Everyone knew at this point, and seniors were feeling it all now, the shock, the grief, the celebration already of 4 years on campus. My friends and I cracked open a bottle of wine and took pictures on Killian with the hundreds of other students partying until 5pm. At 5pm though, the email released. It was official. All undergraduates were to move out in a week.

My floor exploded - flights frantically booked. What about storage? I called my mom and she was on it - Sunday afternoon flight booked, same one as my friend. And there was nothing to do except stare out the window of my friends room into the Boston skyline and finish off my wine bottle. And like many of my graduating peers, I realized that my senior year was done, and that I had not even a week to say goodbye to my home and to my friends. I started sobbing, nonstop. I hadn't cried like this since high school. My head of house started up a video call to the whole dorm, and hearing them talk logistics made me cry harder, and when I thought I stopped, I checked my phone and found an email from my professor berating the administration and acknowledging our irreplaceable loss. I cried again, harder. would commencement happen? Even if it did, my dad wouldn't be able to fly into the country. I continued to sob at the thought. After two hours, I eventually found my way to my friends bed where I fell asleep next to her until dinner, and with my eyes no longer swollen from tears, I wandered down to the dining hall with them. We saw other seniors, who had also been crying, judging from the redness in their eyes and cracks in their voices. The pain felt numb for me at this point. My friends stuck around for a bit, and we played some video games. No one on the floor was working, as we all had too much going on in our heads. The house team worked tirelessly to organize storage, and few of us slept that night. We stayed up chatting in the lobby about our families and going home and afterwards lied in our beds, sleepless, staring at the ceiling. The next day, I had just one class to go to, as large classes had been cancelled already. The campus was buzzing with yesterday's events. And in that class, we said our parting goodbyes, and many of us teared up yet again. But we laughed so hard too in that class, as we shared stories from our case just two days ago and for a moment, we forgot our pain. We took a class photo before we parted ways. After class, we lined up for an hour, each and every student, to personally thank our professor. 

My senior friends and I shared many meals together, and we parted, saying we'd see each other once again before we left. I watched my best friend take her swim test and watched as giant friend groups of other seniors came and cheered on their friends, fulfilling their last graduation requirement. To watch everyone support each other in these trying times brought warmth to my heart. I went home and ate dinner with my floor family, as we sat on the windowsills and drank boba and ate grilled cheeses. I was exhausted though, so I planned to go to bed at midnight, but I received a message from my best friend - she no longer was leaving on Monday, she was leaving in just eight hours.

I ran to maseeh and helped her pack until 5am. We packed up her curtains and I held her as she cried because she thought her parents were going to help her pack up her last year, just as they helped her screw in her curtains at the beginning of the year. I helped her store her stuff in the student center and we threw out bounties of trash and food. After I left, I knew with a sinking feeling that I wouldn't see her again for a while. And she cried a few more times and left early Thursday morning. When I woke up, she was gone. So I started cleaning and packing. The first boxes arrived in the green living room. In cleaning out my room, I found stuff from my first days of freshman year, my 8.02 exams, my chemistry notes, old electronics projects hidden away in boxes. And it was finally the end of my road, and so it was time to say goodbye to them. I spent so long mindlessly throwing stuff out, I had forgotten to leave McCormick until I finally went down to the lobby to hang out. And I hung out there for two hours, talking to everyone and anyone. I did a boba order for the ballerz, and my floor did yet another free dinner, so we once again ate together, laughing over the copious amount of free food on the kitchen table. Five or six of us returned to chatting and laughing about studying at home with family around in someone's room. A friend of mine invited us over to play Smash at BC, so we went and played a couple rounds. We returned to slowly packing until 11pm.

Things had been looking ok, as my dorm had dropped large amounts of money in buying everyone nice food. But when everyone received the emergency message from MIT telling us to leave by Sunday instead of Tuesday on Thursday night, the dorm exploded. Group chats started going off endlessly, with rumors of students already being sick or being quarantined on campus. I ran to my friends room, where she was already on the phone with her family, rebooking her flight for Saturday. "Just two days?" I thought to myself. "Not even two days I have left now with her and everyone and this home." She hung up the phone and started spilling rumors of Boston Logan closing on Monday. I melted to the floor, having a full panic attack. The dorm’s chat, another dorm’s chat, and every friend group chat started inciting even more fear and panic with each additional rumor. My ears were buzzing and my vision was blurring as I continued sitting on the floor. GRAs were woken up and started doing rounds on each floor, even though it was well past midnight at this point, to check on all the residents, many of whom were gathered in clusters around the floor. I went downstairs to talk to my GRA when I received a text from my friend. Chills ran down my back - "California might shut down within 24-48 hours." I did the math. The flight I rescheduled to just an hour ago was in 45 hours on Saturday afternoon. I felt another panic attack creeping up on me, so I ran off to talk to my friend. I went back up to my floor, where people were still yelling in the kitchen. She was off to the side, frantically still talking on the phone. Once I had calmed down a bit, I pulled her aside and told her about these messages, and she confirmed them in another group chat, showing me essentially a screenshot of a screenshot of a message in an unnamed group hat. Speechless, I stood in the hallway with her facing me. I guess she didn't know what else to do but hug me and reassure me it would be ok, because we had hit the point of simply not knowing what to do but say "I'm so sorry" to each other, as if it would ease the pain. I stayed up till 4:30am packing. My other friend called me, imploring me to change my flight to Friday, just 12 hours from then. I asked her bluntly, acknowledging my lack of family around the country - "if I can't go home, where am I supposed to go?" She promised I could stay with her in Texas and I stared back in disbelief, that we would reach this point of possibility that we would have no place to go, but that people would be so nice to open their homes to others who simply had no other place to go. I stared at my hopelessly unpacked room, the half consumed cider on the desk, and my sheer exhaustion, which had been kept awake by adrenaline. I called my mom again, who I'm sure was also was sleepless and asked whether our neighbor had also changed her flight. She said she didn't know whether they were able to change it. The next morning, two people woke me up two different times. Early in the morning, I fought for laundry machines and finished up most of my packing. That afternoon, I hung out in the lobby with my friends again and screamed out the window on a beautiful day as we blasted BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY into the courtyard. My dorm had a senior sendoff, complete with a senior gift and confetti, and a walk to Pomp and Circumstance, which was touching, considering we might not get commencement at the end of the year. But having everyone there to celebrate our little community and watch us walk to receive our fake diplomas and take senior pictures meant a lot to me.

Shortly after, I went up to the penthouse to watch the sunset for the last time. I had watched so many sunsets on top of that rooftop, as it was my goto spot when things went wrong. And things had never quite gone so wrong as this time. I looked at Fenway, where I went to my first Red Sox game, and Prudential, where my favorite gelato place is, and over to the right where BU is, where my friends and I run along the Esplanade. Every building, I could pin a memory. I watched the cars run down the bridge, where my friend and I pulled an all-nighter and watched the most beautiful sunrise. I watched the river slowly churn along and thought about how much I would miss seeing this every day. To think that just two weeks ago we had been yelling at each other about taking grapes out of the dining hall, that we were angry at each other for doing A or not doing B or saying C, all these problems were so inconsequential now. When you have just a few days left with the people you love, you remember that being around them and laughing and smiling with them is the most important thing, bottom line. I wrote letters to my friends to thank them for being them and sealed them into envelopes for the next day, and returned downstairs to store my stuff in the storage pod and eat dinner. Afterwards, we lied on our bare mattresses and laughed until 2am. My friend returned from maseeh also late that night, her eyes red from saying goodbye to her senior friends. I said good night and see you tomorrow, for what would be the last time for a while. That last morning, I said goodbye to so many people. It didn't really feel like goodbye, or maybe it hasn't set in yet. I watched my first friend leave in her Uber, and I hung out with my other friend until she left just an hour before me. And then it was my turn to leave, as I said goodbye to all the GRAs and my area director, promising I'd be back. And I took that one last walk out the front door. Halfway down the driveway, I took one last look back at the building I called home for four years, a place that had changed so much since I entered it four years ago, but has also changed me so much too. I thought about where I met my friends for the first time, the midnight piano in the GLR, the many nights spent talking until late night in 4 and 5 west. But the car was waiting, so I turned back to my ride to the airport, and I gave my friend one last hug and watched her wave as I drove away, down Memorial Drive, one last time.

1/1/2019~reflection

yo, so im not really sure how to do this. I think I just made a random Tumblr to let the feelz out. because your girl gotta lotta them. hence the lotta lex. but I am still not comfortable with people seeing my shit that I know because putting my feelings out to the world that sees me in every day life is fucking terrifying.

SO. basically, I am just her to reflection my life the last year because it is now 2019 and that is the basic girly thing to do ~*~*~ 

Jan- wtf even happened in January of last year. gimme a sec to look at my pictures. pretty sure thats when I riddled with anxiety constantly and crying alone in my apartment while my ex-boyfriend went out all the time with his friends and I hated my life. lets check. my god, first of all I was fat. and had black hair and bangs. (tf did no one stop me for.) HOWEVER, my sweet angel nephew was born and I got to cry as I held him for the first time and fell in love with him. I remember being so terrified that my bff would have an ugly baby but that bitch had to outdo us and produce the cutest lil human. god bless. I started my journey on being a vegetarian on this day last year. which was amazing and I could see my body changing while knowing I was helping the planet. that being said, it’s time to return to that. Contemplated chopping my hair off. clearly going thru a lil crisis at this point lol. my other best friend found out her bf was talking to anther girl and I had to hold all that shit in because I was angry. and did she leave? nah, ya girl didn't but its alright hit up May on here I’m sure you’ll see how she got him back lol. alright so Jan wasn’t the worst. pretty good bc of the bean.

Feb- Ain’t got no clue wtf went on here. I remember my ex took the day off work to watch a fucking soccer game on valentines day instead of coming to see me lol. Jacqui came to visit during this time apparently lol nice. Yes, omg I fucked called into work and went to St. Louis and SMASHED some Korean bbq. fuck that sounds so fire right now. we played overwatch which is always fun. I didn’t get chosen for an animal caregiver position lol. getting skinnier. got the lush shampoo and conditioner bars. might have to hit those up again but they made my hair so greasy in korea. omg donghyun and I started being friends, jacqui was talking to some super hot Korean boy too. sad that didn’t work out for her lol. God, im so happy I went through my pictures. I forgot that February was the time that my best friend and I decided to take the biggest fucking risk of our lives and study in Korea for the summer. my mom was so fucking supportive. I will never delete those screenshots. My sister realized she was depressed and we got her some meds. woo. I made work friends and played dungeons and dragons like a fucking nerd and I love it.

March- ayyyye, I think this is where my anxiety got high as fuck about korea which was amazing lol such a fucking shitty time in my life. low-key worth it tho. I made a chicken Alfredo lasagna for my friends and it was fire. I should make that again. so many veggies and dog pics. love both of those things. I CUT ALL MY HAIR OFF WOW. I FORGOT. damn, that shit was short. Ashley finally starting coming around again. lol broke Zach’s phone and Ashley’s tooth on st. Pattys day. go team. doggo had to get heart worm shots. that shit was 1700 bucks and she had a weird patch shaved on her back lol. my grandparents got me a fucking sweet coffee pot for Christmas and I finally started using it. I need to break it out again, WE SENT OUR DEPOSIT FOR OUR APARTMENT IN KOREA OMFG I WANNA CRY I LOVE IT. started doing yoga too. another thing I need to get into again. 

April- went home for easter. wore a black bra with a yellow sweater. the beginning of disappointing my stepmom’s side of the family lol. got my luggage for korea omfg I wanna cry looking at these. it makes me so happy. lots of bts pics. still love them. just highly glad im not as obsessed anymore. god, more screenshots of my fabulous mother being loving and supportive of my every move. guess who I cant say that for? my dad lol. damn, this is the month my anxiety fucking attacked me. I couldn't sleep. I would cry for hours alone. I thought I was going to get my house broken into. I was paranoid someone was watching me. just a really shitty time. but, I had lots of things to look forward to and I didn't even know. 

may- this was my fucking month. Jesus, this is gonna be a crazy ride. omg trying to purchase BTS tickets with our whole fam for jacqui to be the only one to get one lol. and then my sweet mother again hitting up Stubhub and buying us tickets for $1,000. she cray but I was so thankful. I held a snake, nice. I quit my job and moved home for like 3 weeks prior to Korea. I. babysat. all. the. time. I had Wyatt and Navie. and I got in trouble for coming home and babysitting because my boyfriend at the time wanted me to pay attention only to him. he wanted me to not make any money before I left. nothing. the new bts album came out and its still my favorite one so far. I woke up early as fuck and listened to the whole thing with jacqui. we put headphones in and texted with every song we listened to. my god, im thankful for that bitch. decided that month that I wouldn’t stay at my old apartment and that I would move in with Jesse. saving me quite a bit of cash. went to Chicago before we left for korea for a concert and we brought the boys lol what a mistake. ex and I fought the entire time. he was such a dick to me before I left for korea and im not sure if he even sees it to this day. but I had the worst drink ever at a bar in Chi. we rode bikes along the lake. BFF attempted to get her hair done and it was all fucked up and she had to fix it. had a karaoke night with her family which was fun. had to leave my doggo, not so fun. drove the airport with my family (& at this point by family I just mean my mom, stepdad and siblings because is my dad really a parent at this point lol). BFF and I left for korea. traveled to Canada where their money smells like maple syrup lol. started taking anxiety pills finally. got to mother fucking South Korea. had to climb up six flights of stairs with 3 suitcases each lololololol. couldn’t get real food anywhere because jacqui and I were anxious motherfuckers and wouldn’t go in anywhere to order. got a Korean phone number. oh, also broke up with my boyfriend two days before I left. I didn’t break up with him but yeah. also found out he was talking to girls on snapchat a lot. thats was fun. my mental breakdowns at that time were fun. but I was kinda happy because it took a lot of pressure off me for korea and all and all it was for the best. we weren’t happy and hadn’t been for a long time.

June- OH JUNE. so many things. KOREA. Jacqui and I found our home restaurant in korea and I hope if we go back it’ll still be there. best 김치찌게 ever. met other foreign people one night out. got super fucking drunk on alcohol in hongdae somewhere that I dont even remember lol. Also, that was the night I met the first Korean dude I kissed. he was nice. English not so good. Jacqui met that josh kid. god I hope I never forget that. dude was a creeper. and the next night I broke my fucking wrist and dislocated my wrist and elbow AND snapped the elbow ligament all over a motherfucking Korean American boy. drunk Lexie is and always will be a mess hahahahaha. so had to go to the ER via Korean taxi where I almost passed out because they wouldn't let me drink water. had to cry in front of a lot of Koreans. got my arm set back into place without any anesthesia. but I found a billboard cutout of BTS on the way home lol. had to make my parents decide if I should stay in korea for surgery or come back to the states. mind you I was not even a week into being in korea hahah. this is why my dad fucking hates me im sure of it. attempted to explore a lil more. I feel bad for jacqui. she had to take care of me throughout all of this and I was fucked up on pain meds. she's a good egg that one. had surgery in korea. missed the first few days of class lol. found the fucking best popsicles ever in the hospital. made my dad pay 9,000 dollars for my surgery. found a bomb ass American restaurant. RIP I miss u. awh, omg Dasol. my bird. learned I loved cold noodles. especially in the heat of June Jesus H. tai kwon do was also lit. cute instructors bless. Jacqui’s drunk tinder date that turned into my date lol hey Daniel. got my cast off and got the brace. met meerkats and wallabies. finally had sex with someone besides my ex. 

ok ok this too much. I gotta clean now ill be back for the other six months lol