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life-rewritten · 3 years

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TRUE BEAUTY; TRUE SCARS VS FALSE MASKS

I'm actually surprised I have a new Korean drama to fall for before the end of the year. After testing out what's available, True Beauty feels like the one for me. I was going to watch it regardless of if it made me analyse because it's directed by Extraordinary You PD. I love how he shows the plot of his shows, his romances are always soft yet angsty, and they make you feel so many emotions whilst laughing and smiling and perhaps swooning over certain second leads and protagonists. After Start-Up I swore of love triangles, and yet True Beauty comes with just that, yet I'm having so much fun watching this show for the past 3 weeks, and it's been a ride. It's precisely what the title says it's focused on True Beauty. The actual meaning of beauty and perspectives on what is truly beautiful and what's not, the psychological trauma of being someone perceived as not socially pleasing to the world, and being forced to hide to survive the harsh environment. It's an emotional look into another teenage drama, full of angst, romance, self-love, and self-acceptance. I'm enjoying it a lot, and my heart has been tugged at each episode, so I'm not saying True Beauty is my full focus, but I have spoken about it here, and from episode 5 and 6, I somehow have a lot to say. So let's get into it

True Scars vs False Masks

True Beauty episode 5 and 6 focus on the effect of PTSD and trauma symptoms which each of our main characters have to go through. Apart from Seojun, who has his own frustrations and pains connected to the overarching plot, but not as pronounced as these three.

Kyung, Suho and Soojin are triggered by certain parts of their memories, making them afraid, broken down, and self-hating. The first thing to mention when focusing on Kyung's ideology of true beauty. Kyung may think that being seen as beautiful is the only way to make her self survive her own past traumas, but the two perceived beautiful people who are praised and known for having everything by their peers, are just as scared, suffering and hurt by the world as she is. All by the cruelty and insensitiveness of different people in their lives.

Ju Kyung: The mask of Beauty

Kyung is forced to relieve yet again her trauma as a bully victim when she bumps into the girl. The very bully that caused her to finally break down and wear her mask for protection. One thing to notice in episode 5/6 as she takes care of Seojuns sister; she realised that wearing a mask isn't the right way to live comfortably and she questions why she can't have the same confidence and inspiration in her self to be brave. Which is what people would quickly want to say about her situation, just love your self, only trust your self, just be your self. Still, as we've seen from the past episodes, the reason is that when her mask is uncovered, and she's her true self, her past comes to find her and the people who cruelly lowered her down to nothing before their eyes, who proceeded to hurt and abuse her because of how she looks. The girl who likes to emotionally have control over Kyung's self-esteem like a leash she can't escape from, people like her that can't stand to see Kyung be happy with her skin, is why it's even more painful when Suho tells her that he's doing all he does for her as pity it's heart-breaking. It makes her feel even more inferior because she's being a burden to the guy, she's come to have feelings for, and it's still because of her looks in a way. Because he's the first person who knows her real face under her mask of makeup.

It’s not just the bullies that do this to her, that make her feel so ashamed and guilty for wanting to just be her self. People who she’s close to, her ex best friend betrayed her because of this issue, (to avoid being bullied) and her mother is harsh and cruel beyond words, always breaking her self esteem, ignoring her child’s plight when she could actually be of help to her, and mocking her every time just cause she isn’t smart. Her mother proceeds to not understand the real trauma in her daughter’s life, not even knowing or taking it seriously that there was a time where Kyung almost gave up everything and took her life, just because of how exhausted she was by what society was making her think about her true self.

When Suho said that I was so agitated and disappointed. When cruel and forced to wear his own mask of coldness, Suho can be harsh and ruthless. However, it still felt problematic to me because he knows how sensitive Kyung is about her looks, how much she suffered because of it, he's the one who saw her almost choose to take her own life because of it and he's also seen her try desperate attempts to avoid it. To cruelly say it's because of pity that he's been doing all he did by her side and she's being a bother; it's upsetting and just annoying. I'm annoyed that he still refuses to communicate with her properly about it, tell her it's not because of pity and she's not a problem.

To come to her house/ accept her mother's invitation and act like he's not told her she's a burden is just upsetting and it's exhausting because she doesn't want to keep on feeling like she owes him because he's hiding her secret about her looks. It's also sad because you realise that it must have broken her heart more because when she felt she had someone on her team who saw her without her mask and chose to be there for her, help her and understand her, this same person threw her away saying she was a weight to him. When she finally felt she was able to be herself and like her self without her mask, she deserved to be free without making up, especially his last words to her before he switched himself off, was that she was beautiful without makeup. That one quote, that one stance, and one act of support for her meant everything. Yet her one source of defence and her foundation to bounce back from her worries and fears rejected her and told her she wasn't important; her presence was upsetting him.

Again Kyung is forced to think that what she needs to do to survive is to be beautiful to wear her mask; it's the only way she will be accepted. That's what Suho harsh words did to her, and despite that, she still ran to him to be his defence and protection. They both do the same thing for each other; if you notice Suho protects her always when she's at her worst broken down and without her mask of beauty. Suho is protected by her finding him and literally shielding him with her warmth and comfort letting him know he's not alone and he's understood.

Suho: The mask of Coldness

Before I focus on their dynamic though back to masks and scars. The reason why Kyung runs to Suho is where the plot for his PTSD symptoms comes in. Suho without the act is also broken, guilty and tired of people refusing to listen to him. His issue is that whilst people see his richness and privileges as a positive for him, they're his source of guilt and pain. His mask is to push people off and not expect or trust things with people, because of this he's seen as the guy who's unreachable in a good way, attractive and has it all and everyone wants his attention and needs to beg for it. His mask works for him, so he doesn't seem vulnerable, and he doesn't let people easily break him.

But we know he's exceptionally vulnerable because of the guilt of Seyeon having symptoms of PTSD, panic attacks, broken and self-hating. The cruelness of the world isn't attacking him like Kyung, but it's using him as a tool to hurt others well that's what he believes anyway. His dad is powerful and intense and leads to people feeling broken as Seyeon, and they take drastic measures to end it. The school praises him and lets him get away with stuff if he gets in a scuffle but they hurt others more harshly just by looking at their background and status, they did this to Seojun when they got in a fight in episode 4.

No matter what happened, Suho has never been able to get away from the price that came with his reputation and status. It cost him so much at the end it made him lose his closest friend, and it made him lose himself to the guilt of not being able to be the person everyone wanted him to be for not being able to reach that 'divine'' Suho reputation people give him.

For him, being with him hurts people, and so he pushes Kyung away harshly and wears a mask of coldness and harshness to prevent people wanting or expecting things from him and to make sure he wallows in his guilt alone. Without his mask, Suho is just a boy lost, frightened and traumatised. He's broken by what's happened, and with Kyung not only does she help him, but she also does when they first meet.

She unintentionally provides him with a way to speak out his feelings and save her the way he couldn't do to his friend, but also she's there for him even during times she shouldn't be; she runs and finds him, she lets him cry and breakdown, and she understands him with a few words. She knows what it's like to be afraid and broken, and she knows why it's like to feel like no one understands your pain.

Both she and Suho understand each other because they've been hurt and exhausted each time something from the past comes to remind them of the guilt of being who they are and wallowing in self-hate and disgust. It's so heartbreaking, but they both run to each other time and time again at their most needed moment.

Soo Jin: The mask of Strength

Someone else with the same issues that also proves to Kyung that the beauty she craves/ the reputation to be seen as having it all isn't great; is Soo Jin. Whilst on the surface she’s incredible, she’s powerful, fights for everyone, protects Kyung like a knight in shining armour, is protective of all her friends, uses her strengths to help others, and ensure people aren’t looked down on, or broken down.

Soo-Jin is also put into the same situation as Kyung and Suho, she's also broken down mentally, physically and emotionally. She's had her self esteem be destroyed repeatedly; for never getting to the top except she is always on top. She's the girl who has everything, like Suho her mask is the girl who has everything sorted, she's kind but harsh to the right people, she's protective because she doesn't like bullies and cruelty. She's intelligent and also beautiful naturally as Kyung puts it.

Still, her mask of strength is unveiled when you realise she's forced to put up with a bigger bully her own father, he's cruel, abusive and degrades her by physical violence. It's heart-breaking. To have the control, she repeatedly tries to wash her hands clean to the point they're raw and dry when she stressed and terrified. When she's broken and scared, she tries to restart again, washes her hands clean and starts again making her self anew, making her mind anew, and becoming stronger.

Her washing her hands mindlessly is the only time we see her without her mask, and no one can see her scars on the apparent parts they're hidden on her hands dry and cracked and easily misunderstood as dryness or mistake. Easily the part of the body that's not noticed at first.

Cruelty, Scars and Trauma

That's the thing with scars in this show and PTSD. Kyung's mask covers up the acne scars that people have hurt her because of. Yet now those scars are actively hidden under her makeup and guise of beauty, she has those external scars but also mental scars about how she looks she's been forced to a mindset where seeing her self in the mirror automatically gives her shivers, makes her terrified and go into self-hating phase. She's been forced to hide who she truly is because that was taken away from her by bullies because of her looks.' it just sucks and hurts.

Suho's mask covers his internal scars and burdens placed on him, you won't think he's broken or hurting from his past because his mask of coldness which makes everyone think he uses the status and reputation for his strength instead of loathing it. Suho's internal scars have made him become someone who's closed off, distrustful and harsh sometimes and no one understands it, they take it the wrong way, staying away from him. For example Seojun it's Suho's mask that made him think Suho was despicable and felt guiltless when in reality every single word SeoJun said to Suho about wanting him to never be happy until after he dies, about making sure he never has a good time because of Seoyeon just drives deeper with that self-hate. Disgust, Suho has for himself; it's like Seojun keeps repeatedly stabbing his wounds all over again. When he appears the issues increase even more if you've noticed, Suho's symptoms of PTSD increased because Seojun had started to actively make him go back to feeling guilty and remind him of the choice he made to push people away. Seojun playing a role in this is so upsetting, and it's made it hard for me to like his character as much as I did before.

The masks may cover up their scars in their minds and to others, but it won't make them free the way they want to be. These characters break my heart and have been through so much.

I'm loving this show. I think it gets better and more painful each episode, but it has the light moments, it touches your heart, and it makes you smile and cry so much. The romance between Suho and Kyung is also precious despite certain pauses in their growth because of their masks and miscommunications. However, the fact that they're each other's refuge to be free without their masks, to breath and to see each other the way others can't it's beautiful. Seojun's feelings for Kyung are also growing. I'm torn because I like his moments so much but thinking about emotional torment and pain he causes Suho, especially in these episodes isn't my cup of tea. Kyung sees him as a sibling right now, and I wonder if that's all she's ever goanna accept him as I actually want him and Soojin to be together at the end and Soojin is slowly getting into her role of second lead for Suho. I hope they don't use her hurt as a way to make her a villain. That's be sick if she breaks down because Suho likes Kyung not her like no let's avoid this storyline.

#true beauty #true beauty kdrama #kdrama #cha eunwoo #moon ga young #lee suho #im jukyung #cwg #december #han seojun

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sheikah · 7 years

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The pro-Daenerys and pro-Sansa meta no one asked for.

So I felt compelled to write this in response to the growing ugliness between the Jonerys and Jonsa fandoms. It’s something that puzzles me and makes me sad. It’s no secret to anyone that I am a Jonerys shipper, but that doesn’t mean I dislike Sansa as a character or hate the Jonsa ship in general. What does bother me, though, is the constant bickering over which will be canon, and the constant attacks from each side aimed at the female protagonists in an attempt to devalue the opposing ship.

I don’t understand these attacks and to me they just perpetuate the damaging tradition of female competition over a man. I realize all of this is fictional, but in most cases of the Jonerys/Jonsa feud I see people tearing down Dany or Sansa in order to legitimize the ship in question by saying that Jon could only be with Dany because Sansa is weak or only be with Sansa because Dany is evil, etc. What’s worse, I stumble upon a lot of fics where the main conflict is a love triangle in which usually Dany but sometimes Sansa becomes a villain character. Think about this for a second. A complex, interesting, multi-layered female character who is not canonically a villain in either case being used as a mere obstacle to a romantic ship, thereby creating a love triangle and feminine competition that doesn’t--and probably won’t--canonically exist. Maybe it’s the feminist in me screaming, but that makes me so, so sad. Now, fic writers can and should write whatever they want, and I am actually a huge fan of the love triangle trope. But in this case, it is being fabricated out of thin air and the end result is a lot of hate thrown at these women because of imagined scenarios in which they fight over Jon Snow. So now that I have given you this lengthy preamble, here’s a post about why, as far as I’m concerned, that would never happen--because Dany and Sansa are actually very similar. I believe that both women are confident by this point of the series and would not chase a man who is divided in his feelings for them and, in my opinion, they would actually be great friends.

1. Dany loves and protects women.

I feel like the idea of Dany fighting Sansa for Jon’s affection goes fundamentally against her character.

Dany would not try to destroy another woman’s happiness that way. We have seen her defend other women and display a special concern for women on several occasions.

In season 1, Dany used her power and influence to save the women in the shepherd village from rape at the hands of the Dothraki. We all know how this turned out, but it is the first instance of her trying to stand up for women and establish them as something more than property in Dothraki culture.

In season 3, Dany makes it a point to save Missandei from Master Kraznys and take her into her care. This is not something she needed to do. She doesn’t need a translator and was easily able to take the Unsullied without Missandei’s assistance or friendship. But she saw how Missandei was mistreated and wanted the opportunity to give her a better life. The famous line, “But we are not men,” just further illustrates Dany’s awareness of the plight of women in this culture and her desire to fix that.

In season 6, when Dany is held captive by the Dothraki horde and has been placed with the Dosh Khaleen, she is kind to the young, widowed khaleesi who brings her outside the tent, understanding and sympathizing with her situation.

But these women seem to love their chains--they feel the Dosh Khaleen is not a terrible situation to be in. They are an obstacle to Dany’s freedom but she understands their reluctance to question their status and doesn’t view them as her enemies. She liberates them, only burning the khal’s men who sought to harm her.

Finally, at the end of season 6, Dany forms an alliance with Yara Greyjoy, knowingly and willingly establishing another woman as leader of the Iron Islands. While a woman like Cersei sees other queens as dangerous competition, Dany seeks to aid, protect, and elevate other women.

We have no reason to assume that she would treat Sansa Stark any differently, and (as I will argue below) their similarities would probably lead to a meaningful friendship if they spent enough time together.

2. Sansa craves (and deserves) friendship.

Sansa’s character has changed noticeably through the course of the series. I would argue that the only person to change more is Jaime Lannister. When we first meet Sansa she is selfish and a little rude. But I can’t fault her for this--she’s a teenage girl, and one who starts the series in a place of considerable privilege.

But when that is taken away from her, Sansa becomes noticeably kinder and more understanding of other people. While she used to be annoyed by and somewhat mean to Arya, the loss of her little sister seems to affect Sansa and she misses that companionship.

She first tries to replace it with Margaery Tyrell, who seems to care genuinely for Sansa’s wellbeing--something Sansa isn’t used to at court, where everyone has questionable motives and hidden agendas. Sansa and Margaery’s friendship was sweet and offered us a glimpse of a happy, grateful young girl who was giddy at the prospect of marrying Loras Tyrell and eager to develop a closer friendship with Margaery.

Again, as we all know, that doesn’t exactly go according to plan, and Sansa’s next option is Shae. While Shae is only her handmaiden, Sansa seems to trust her and is thankful for her support in moments like the one when Sansa starts her period and tries desperately to hide it from Cersei. She doesn’t have a mother to talk to or a sister or any close friends, so she relies on Shae to help her. In this moment, Shae does. Shae tries to protect Sansa and even tells Tyrion that she loves the younger girl.

But jealousy sours this relationship when Shae believes that Tyrion actually wanted his marriage to Sansa, causing so much trouble that Tyrion is forced to remove Shae from Sansa’s service, leaving her alone again.

After that happens, Sansa is left with no one but Tyrion himself, and after Joffrey’s death her only ally is Petyr. He cannot fulfill the role of friend and confidant because their relationship is very sexually-charged and he clearly sees Sansa as a younger, lovelier version of Cat--his lost love. Yet Petyr throws her into the Bolton’s clutches where it becomes immediately apparent that Sansa’s only friends are the rugged Northerners. But Ramsay puts a stop to that very quickly when he flays the woman who tries to help Sansa, and with no one but the Boltons themselves, Theon as Reek, and Myranda, Sansa is alone again.

Sansa has almost given up on finding someone who can truly be her friend, as evidenced by her very well-placed distrust of Myranda from the beginning.

This is why Sansa is so willing to forgive Theon and to accept Brienne’s service the second time--because she has realized how lonely and desperate she is for a companion, someone to trust.

At the end of the day, Sansa is like a lot of us. A girl who fantasized about a beautiful life and grew up to realize it hardly works out that way for anyone. This experience hardened her. She is stronger and smarter than ever before but she isn’t heartless and still needs other people in her life. So I feel like meeting a woman like Dany wouldn’t arouse territorial feelings of jealousy in Sansa, who we already know doesn’t want to take the Iron Throne. Instead, she would see a kindred spirit--a woman who has also suffered, been used by men, lost everything, but emerged victorious and strong.

3. Dany and Sansa have a lot in common.

Although they lived very different lives and followed very different paths, Dany and Sansa have a lot of similarities that make both women such interesting and enjoyable characters to watch and read about.

Both women have had, at one point or another, magical creatures: Dany’s dragons and Sansa with Lady the direwolf.

Both women have lost their parents. Both women have lost two brothers.

Both women have been raped, if we are going by the show!universe. Dany was raped on her wedding night by the khal. Sansa was raped on her wedding night by Ramsay.

Both women entered into marriage arrangements to advance themselves politically so that they might avenge their families and take back their rightful homes. Dany, at Viserys’s behest, married Drogo for his army so that she might overthrow Robert Baratheon and take back her kingdom. Sansa married Ramsay at Petyr’s behest so that she might ingratiate herself to Ramsay and eventually take Winterfell for herself.

Both women have vengeful streaks, and it’s badass. Dany and Sansa aren’t murderous villains, but they recognize the necessity of violence as a means to an end and as a tool of vengeance. Dany’s burning of the slavers’ fleet was one of the most intense moments in the entire series and I will never forget it. It was also amazing when Sansa had Ramsay killed by his own hounds in an epic display of poetic justice.

Both women are still softhearted and loving despite their many hardships. We can still see love and compassion in Dany’s treatment of her friends and her dragons. I especially liked her gesture of giving Tyrion the Hand of the Queen pin, and her decision to forgive Jorah and urge him to save himself. Sansa displayed similar kindness in her gesture of sewing Stark clothing for Jon to symbolize his true status as a member of her family.

4. Their friendship would be mutually beneficial, and also really sweet ^.^

Last but not least, here are my cheesy ass headcanons about what would happen if these two spent a significant amount of time together at King’s Landing or Winterfell, and became friends.

--Dany seeing snow for the first time, and Sansa--who is apparently the Westeros Champion Snow Castle Architect--showing her how to sculpt things in it.

--Sansa showing Dany how to wear her hair with more of it down in the Northern style, and Dany fixing Sansa’s hair in intricate braids.

--Dany giving Sansa advice about men and sex, since poor Sansa has not had a positive sexual experience yet.

--Sansa being a welcome and valued member of Dany’s council meetings, because Sansa’s time at court is a valuable asset and Dany recognizes that.

--Both of them swapping funny but totally endearing stories about what it is like to live with Tyrion, the hilarious wino. Tyrion being super uncomfortable that his two favorite gals are always walking around arm-in-arm giggling and whispering conspiratorially in his direction.

--Both of them being girl power af and disrupting the fuck out of the patriarchy by making the most important decisions and strategizing like a couple of bosses.

--Trying to borrow each other’s clothes, but Sansa’s are hilariously big for Dany because of the height difference, and Dany’s dresses show even more skin on Sansa and are totally impractical in the Northern climate. So Sansa, expert seamstress extraordinaire, sews Dany some nice furs.

--Both women being important parts of Jon’s life, and vice versa, and all of them working together to leave the world better than they found it because that is literally like Dany’s motto now.

Wow, okay, so if you read all of that, thanks for being interested in my ramblings. Hopefully I convinced someone that we should all love each other and be friends lol. I know none of those headcanons will happen because there is no time for people to be cute and friendly with a war happening and everything. But a girl can dream.

P.S. My super-smart bff @oadara expressed interest in my ideas on this, so I’m tagging her now :D

#daenerys targaryen #sansa stark #game of thrones #got #meta #my ranting #sorry for the wall o' text #let's all be friends #^.^

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spjcomicart · 5 years

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On The Futility of Longing

Stefano Junior

On The Futility of Longing

A handsome stuttering sailor with a mysterious past impressed aboard a warship, a fourteen year old girl suffering an unfortunate onset of blindness desperate for fatherly affection, a gaunt and haunted mother hindered by secrets, a thirteen year old insightful girl impeded by circumstance, and an aristocratic businessman who through devoted obsession curates a private museum of memories, are among a cast of lovelorn, lustful, and longing characters within the pages of Billy Budd by Herman Melville, the Wild Duck by Henrik Ibsen, Winesberg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson, the Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank, and The Museum of Innocence by Orhan Pamuk-all disparate pieces of literature occupying different eras, yet unified in their homogeneous tragedy.

One of the many unique aspects of the human animal is its’ capacity, not just for self awareness and conversely the awareness of others as uniquely individual, but with its breadth of empathy and emotional intelligence; the latter forever remaining the focus of artists and writers across all genre, since humans have had the ability to write, to explore, exorcise, and condemn. What are we seeking and yearning for when our basic needs are met? After we are fed, after we have found shelter and slept, after we have found labor or a function in our contemporary society, are we ever sated? It is this human longing that is the bedrock of religion and faith-a means by which people can describe their universe and singular purpose amidst a terrible uncertainty in an ephemeral and fickle physical world that is most assuredly brief and final for all living beings.

It is this longing, coupled with the inability and/or afflictions obstructing the characters aforementioned, to assuage their inherent longing that despite their greatest wishes and self admonishments result in a seemingly fated doom for all of them. What purpose did their silent prayer or intangible human longing serve? As humans, we are born alone and perish the same--yet in order to thrive we must commingle and develop relationships, both professional and interpersonal to further our survival and propagate the species. Yet even when these tasks are met, as is the case with Elizabeth Willard in Winesberg, Ohio, the loneliness and longing for which she suffers is almost magnified by her inability to communicate with her son and those around her. Is human internal suffering the price for evolution? And if there is no assurance of peace and fulfillment from an intangible yet perceivably real experience as human longing, especially given the ultimate misfortune of these characters despite their deepest urgencies, than what is the point of longing?

“I never took the smile away from anybody's face And that's a desperate way to look

For someone who is still a child”, lyrics by Big Country via their eponymous self titled track from 1983 perhaps best personify Melvilles’ charmingly innocent stuttering protagonist. Longing for acceptance and the power over language ultimately prove to be his undoing when, unbeknownst to him, he inadvertently creates a foe in the guise of lieutenant Claggart who both admires, envies, and perhaps lusts for the handsome buck whom has usurped him in popularity through naive charm and guile on the British Warship Bellipotent in the maritime exploration of the 18th century.

Despite Billy’s best intentions and even after discovering the accusations laid forth against him, Billy’s inability to overcome his handicap and control his, up to that point unseen, fury betray him and ultimately doom him to an unjust adjudication and death. How often are we, as humans, at the mercy of circumstances and forces unknown to us when we embark on a new venture or employment? Regardless of our best intentions, private observations, rumination, and wishes, are just as helpless as Billy, if a colleague, a manager, an educator, an administrator, etc of malicious intent-or perhaps arriving at a misconception even, acts against our interest, and we are just as powerless as Billy to stop it. Billy, of course, is ever the more tragic, because we observe omnipotently as the reader, that he is without recrimination and halted by his own inability to speak, seems a pawn in a greater metaphor of our lives as actors converging and collapsing upon corridor upon corridor on wooden ship rocked precariously by a violent and treacherous sea--a veritable chutes and ladders game-board of existence where the player has no concept of what may befall him/her next and no inner or outward pleading can circumvent arriving at following destination.

In the Wild Duck by Henrik Ibsen, N’er do well photographer and friend to the inquisitive and moralizing upper class-man Gregers Werle, (for who's father both he and his father Ekdal are both capable of survival, yet for reasons that become apparent later, are also beset by his betrayal) struggles to both assert his dominance in his marriage and supply the attention his ill stricken daughter Hedvig so desperately vies for. But it is in Hedvig herself, a cheerful and hopeful innocent amidst a storm of an envy, hardship, and the product of infidelity and betrayal herself that proves the most tragic of this group of characters. The wounded wild duck saved and cared for by the senilic grandfather in the attic is a metaphor for her failing body, an affliction the (that) will eventually serve reveal her origin and dismantle her life. Though she lauds for the affection of her presumed father, ever facet of her life conspires to prevent her that validation: her withering eyesight, the seeds of discord planted by Gregers, a foreboding image on a book of her grandfathers she often revisit in his collection,:

“But then I look at the pictures. — There is one great big book called Harrison's History of London. It must be a hundred years old; and there are such heaps of pictures in it. At the beginning there is Death with an hour-glass and a woman. I think that is horrid. “

And ultimately the revelation fo her illegitimacy which leads her to commit suicide, a vain attempt to entreat her “father” even as a final solution of devotion. Hedvig seems to have been born to die before living life by circumstances beyond her scope of understanding and ultimately succumbed to it by her own design-alleviating her longing for the love and adoration she craved from a father who, though ironically was not biologically her own, but was arguably the only father she had known.

Elizabeth Willard in Sherwood Anderson’s Winesberg Ohio, the ill stricken wife of a failed politician who eventually abandons her and inheritor of the depreciating and dilapidated hotel in Winesberg, mother to would be journalist and central figure George, becomes a cartoonish ghoul like figure amidst the hotel walls, an actualization of inhibited longing and unrealized potential.

"When I have killed him," she tells herself, "something will snap within myself and I will die also. It will be a release for all of us."

We learn that in her more vibrant and philandering youth, Elizabeth meant to extricate herself from her unhappy marriage, revealing an inner turmoil and perhaps a penchant for violence, becomes unable to do so, and thus leads a silently tortured existence despite her son, for whom she is equally unable to communicate with--even so far as not being able to reveal to him the whereabouts of money she had hid away for herself in the event of her escape, on her death bed. Elizabeth’s inability to vocalize her yearning becomes the central aspect of her characterization-maybe even the crux of her recurring illness that will ultimately take her life. What good did any of her internal pining possible provide if she was unable to will action and leave?--solely an entire lifetime haunted by youth and circumstance, rage and desperation, the alienation of a son, and finally oblivion. What value did her feelings hold if they could not furnish her the tools of her emancipation?

Trapped in our psyche or trapped in a secret annexe. The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank provides historical and biographical evidence of how the real world is no kinder or forgiving those individuals that are victim to bad timing and circumstance. Armed with an enthusiasm for learning, self examination, inherent insightfulness, and youthful optimism, Anne accounts the trials and travails she, her family, the Van Dann family, and Mr. Dussel, coupled with office employees of the 263 Prinsengracht office building in Holland who assisted in hiding the Jewish group from Gestapo police during the second world war in a secret attic two floor annex accessed behind a trick bookshelf, over the course of two and a half years. Ultimately the group are captured just before the allies liberated Holland and Anne perishes in a concentration camp. Though confined to shared cramped quarters and rationed food, Anne struggles and registers the plights of every teenager, the want of a brighter future, the validation of her parents, and the affection of a love interest.

“I see the world being slowly transformed into a wilderness; I hear the approaching thunder that, one day, will destroy us too. I feel the suffering of millions. And yet, when I look up at the sky, I somehow feel that everything will change for the better, that this cruelty too shall end, that peace and tranquility will return once more.”

Though Anne was wise enough to recognize the severity of her situation and of those being persecuted by the Nazis, she never lost her sense of longing and optimism for a better life and the satisfaction fo having her lust requited by Peter Van Dana, or the respect of her parents. She would never realize the freedom of the former, but ironically would the latter after her death and the remainder of her diary was collected by her father and published. But Annes’ own life was also, as in the characters in The Wild Duck, or Winesberg Ohio subject to circumstance and malevolent forces like in Billy Budd that would ultimately doom her. No amount of self analysis, hopeful prayers, or adolescent fantasizing could possibly be assured to save her.

Anne differs, in that, through her entries, we as readers have evidence of her innermost longings and perspective--a collection of memories forever frozen in time, by one who’s imprisonment was imposed on her. In Orhan Pamuk’s The Museum of Innocence, Kemal Bey self imposes himself amidst a collection of trinkets, personal effects, and ephemera in his mother’s abandoned apartment that subsequently becomes an art museum in the real world imitating art in Orhan’s own creation in Istanbul, where which the story takes place in the 1970s, much as Anne’s Secret Annexe has become a museum of dark history.

In the case of the Kemal Bey, who we as the readers are deceived into believing is the true narrator of this robust tale of class, lust, love, addiction, and ultimate tragedy it is his desperate yearning for someone else, his shopgirl and much younger cousin Fusun with whom he engages in an affair that leads both the the separation of he and his fiancé, Fusun’s marrying another and the many years that ultimately reunite them, that unravels in the ruin and destruction of Fusun. Kemal believes his love for Fusun can overcome the convention of his time and class, Fusun’s marriage and time itself--his obsession and fixation on collecting mementos of their initial affair, ritualistic engagement with them, and insistence on breaking the barriers between them, seemingly cement their destiny together in his mind. Early on we are reminded in a tale about a distant relative relayed by Kemal’s mother ,by the true author, Orhan, whom we learn plays a fictional version of himself as confidante and biographer to Kemal, that a woman like Fusun, who is aspirational and libertine will quite literally crash and burn. The very conception of Kemal and Fusun’s relationship harkens back to a childhood witness to another car crash overlooking a ritual blood sacrifice of lamb. How could Fusun escape these heraldic omens that the author and has spun for her?

Of course, she does not and is violently penetrated beside her beloved Kemal in a booze generated car crash that ends her short life and fulfills the metaphoric prophesies strewn throughout the story.

The central feature of all these characters is their inability to circumvent the very circumstances lain before them that result in their demise, regardless of their deep desires and cravings for validation, extrication, absolution, and love. So what purpose does longing actually serve once our basest needs for survival are met, if not only to perpetuate an ever expiring existence of suffering, if not to be definitely met by a cruel fate of destruction, but not necessarily alleviated in a lifetime--especially if we are most often not given prescience or the tools needed to circumvent our circumstances and ascertain and attain whatever metaphysical “grail” we need to quench that uniquely human thirst.

SPJ

December 2018

#longing literature

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