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fceriestcrdst · 2 years

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Farewell and Good Riddance 2021

Warning: Talks of self-hatred (mildish), Talks of a toxic friendship

It's odd thinking about how the year 2021 is finally over and that I am finally free from it. Free from a year that felt like 2020 but so much worse, a year that took everything from me and tore it to shreds. I never thought I would win in the battle that's been happening for me over the last two years, I thought I was finally going to just give in to everything.

I was so consumed by the feelings of being a burden, stupid, annoying, of thinking all my friends are liars and that the only reason anyone cares for me is that I'm often too nice to say no. I, finally, know none of that is true and that the people I've surrounded myself with truly love me for existing, they all love me in the softest way possible and I can never thank them enough.

I broke free of a co-dependant friendship so that after our no contact break we can try to be friends in the correct way. I finally spilled my heart out with every sorrow I had held onto from September and it felt so good and empowering and strange. I did it on December 15th and I have only come out stronger and happier.

I've been able to reconnect with Jaskier in a way I never thought would be possible again. I've started to feel okay in my skin, happy in my existence and it's so strange and beautiful all at once. For once since 2020 I don't feel like sobbing at the end of the year I instead feel like cheering and dancing and singing. I feel free and I feel like me.

This year was a hardship to everyone some more-so than others and by the Gods, we made it through. I spent this year reflecting on my sexuality and my gender once again and on my names and my pronouns, it was horrifying in a way I had not expected. I delved deeper into my witchcraft just a little bit and feel more at home in it than I ever have before.

I'm finally able to say I'm transmasc non-binary without being afraid because I am who I am and that's all that matters. I'm able to say I use He/They and neopronouns such as Xe/Xyr without fear because I'm proud of it, I'm proud that I've started coming into who I am. My sexuality feels weirdly set as Bi/Pan though I am also poking about at Omnisexuality, I'm still a bit unsure but not as unsure as I was a few years ago. I've come to love and accept my Asexuality as something amazing and safe and grand and not something shameful because of what society tells me is right and is wrong. I am able to come into my Polyamory in a way I never expected and I love myself for it all the more.

I still have a lot of work to do in order to get to a point where I don't spend nights hating every inch of myself. Thankfully I haven't picked myself apart in a month which is astounding for me (I'll thank Jaskier for that one). To be frank I haven't picked myself apart at all in a while and it's so odd that I'm beginning to feel content. Sure, there are parts I want to change and things I want to do to feel more 'me', but for now I am trying my best. For now, I am accepting that I am who I am and that in order to become who I want to be I need to give a fuck about myself and about the body I tote around the Earth.

It's just all very strange. Very very strange. I haven't felt this sound and this content or happy since, Gods, before 2017, and yet here I am feeling like I am finally awake after years of not really paying attention.

So without further ado, farewell, and good riddance 2021, you will not be missed and you will surely be forgotten.

gif from @/zoya-nazyalenskys

#kit rambles #kit's farewell to 2021 #crow rambles

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crankycorviknight · 6 years

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If you’re seein this post it means I’ve finally worked up the courage to post this but here goes.

I hate confrontation, and honestly? I’m a coward who cares way too much about the opinions of others. So I dunno, if you wanna block or unfollow by the end of this post do what you gotta do, your dash is your thing to control and if its better off without me then ye, don’t feel you need to pretend to tolerate my presence if it’s that big of an issue. No really, I never check my follower list and if you tell me to bug off I’ll do it no questions asked and I’ll wish you the best.

Maybe I shoulda saved that first bit for the end of the post I dunno but lemme just start with this. I’m a girl, and I’ve experienced and do experience attraction to both men and women. I found out I think three years ago? I learned that attraction at it’s root isn’t something you can control. You can’t control your sexuality. Control who you crush on? Since when have folks been able to control that tbh? It gave me a huge perspective shift in the lives of folks who also experience it. It’s bloody friggen hard.

This is probably not what you expected to read but. No, I don’t act upon my attraction to women. But I spent nights tossing and turning begging for God to take it away, and wondering over and over again if it really was against His will for me to love another woman. I identified as asexual for a bit because I was so disgusted with myself (that’s not to say that people are asexual because they hate themselves that line of logic is ljsklfkljklasklf incorrec. This is just my experience personally). The pain and struggle with stigma, not being able to open up to more than two family members and a few friends, and the isolation are harrowing. Knowing I could be disowned by family just for having an attraction hurt a lot. Not even for having a girlfriend I could risk family cutting me off or ripping me to shreds. The feeling of wondering if I was a slut was very real and I loathed myself and still do loathe myself for crushing on anyone so easily. It’s honestly why I’ve never dated and I’m not over that rut yet and I don’t know if I ever will get over it.

The pain is real. Its very real and its very important that people come to grasps with just how much self-hatred and isolation comes with this.

But this story has a bit more to it. Because, at my core, I did, and still do believe in Biblical values. That not any one particular thing that condemns me, that I am saved by the blood of Christ and Christ alone.

I know there’s other people who struggle with this, who want to follow God but can’t open up to both the Christian circle or the LGBT+ circle in fear of being ridiculed or shunned. It’s isolation on both sides. And yes. People who struggle with gender dysphoria and attraction like mine and chose not to act on it do exist. More than you think. Over the past year I’ve actually met a handful of folks, and we’ve been able to support each other. But it was hard, because this is something that’s very hard to admit to openly so as a result, finding a support group was very difficult because just talking about it makes one super vulnerable.

And you know what? I want to be there for other folks in my shoes. I want to support you. I want to tell you that the attraction isn’t something to beat yourself over the head over. I’ve come to terms that it happens sometimes and that I shouldn’t hate myself for it. My existence and the existence of other people is not inherently sinful or an abomination. I might go my whole life with my sexuality unchanged because you can’t force yourself to like a guy or a girl or w/e. However I do believe that if I were to go out with a girl it would not be God’s will. The attraction and the act are two different things. And if that belief is something we can’t reconcile, then again, I bear no ill-will, and will bear no grudge if any mutuals or friends no longer wish to speak to me because of this. I really do wish you the best wherever life may lead you and I will always cherish that friendship!

Please, if anyone is struggling with this, dm me. I was so lonely in this until I found other Christians who were going through the same thing and dare I say it was such a relief, to share the burden among others who were striving towards the same goal. It’s hard believe me. It’s painful, and some days I fall back into that cycle of self-loathing. But, I know God has the strength, not me, to pull me through day by day. And by His grace I’ve met others who have helped me along the way. And He will never stop loving me, and that He hates no one.

So I want to pay that kindness back, to anyone out there who may need a shoulder to lean on, someone who understands, who knows what it feels like and to be a positive force pointing back to God. @ssa-christians-united is another blog that people can go to as well! The bloggers are taking a break at the time of this being posted but the blog still has plenty of content for folks to sift through and they’ve very civil, something I find rare in Christian tumblr unfortunately. If there’s any other support blogs out there that wish to add to this post or let folks know that we’re here for each other that’d be splendid!

Again I don’t like causing trouble and that’s not my intention at all. Tbh it’s why I’ve been debating about saying this for so long and I hope I managed to write this in the least confrontational way possible. That aside, I know I have to share my experience. So again, I’m here, for anyone who might want help or support.

#yonderspeaks #had this drafted for a bit but i figured i'd wait until after finals to post in case this sparked discussion #that way i can respond reletively quick #will be gone this weekend tho for a trip so if you message me during that time i'll get back to ya when im back home!#i guess this is a coming out post sorta?

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house-of-crows · 4 years

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Finally Processing Last June

You TRAUMATIZED me.

Nearly a year later, and the first time I’ve REALLY let myself grieve... cry about it, mourn, away from the house away from you.... and I’m starting to realize those lingering pulling sensations aren’t love. And it’s not hatred.

It’s fucking TRAUMA.

So let’s address it.

4/24/2019.

The day I got my T letter and the very first vial. You sat with me in the fucking office of my endocrinologist and watched me shiver and shake and bawl my fucking eyes out because I really wasn’t expecting to get it that day. We both knew it was going to happen, she’d said it was going to happen, but I didn’t LET myself believe it AND YOU FUCKING KNEW WHY.

I told you, again, that day that I was terrified of getting the rug pulled out from under me. I told you, again, on the way to Target, that I thought I was dreaming. I’d been fighting since I came out for this, one way or another. I’d wrestled with myself, and my partners, and the state of Texas. I did everything in my power, and it wasn’t enough, and then I chose moving in with YOU over moving to fucking California, and fuck~ here it finally fucking was.

5/7/2019. My first shot. Tuesday night. I remember Villains pt 2 was playing. I was shaking, I was panicking, and you gave me the shot. Helped calm me down after, told me how well I did. I wanted to skip work, but I didn’t.

Two weeks later and you were DEMANDING I go with you to therapy.

---

6/5/2019 You told me you were having doubts. That you needed time and space to figure things out. I took off my ring. It didn’t feel right, somehow. I started wearing it on a chain instead... just like you did. ---

6/7/2019 Therapy session. I thought it went ok, but there was doubt. I didn’t know how to combat it. She was asking leading questions, favoring you, making me out to be unreasonable for having touch as my major love language. I think you’d already decided you were completely asexual, and didn’t want to tell me. You kept stumbling around it, saying shit about mirrors and how you didn’t have desire of your own, you just “borrowed your partner’s.” I didn’t know how to tell you I’d already put the first payment on a ring. how when there’d been light at the end of my transitory tunnel I’d decided I wanted to propose after top surgery when I FINALLY looked like myself... and ask if maybe, just maybe, we could have our commitment on our three year anniversary. I never got the chance.

---

6/18/2019 The first of many panic attacks to come. I left work early, walked home in the dark. I was aching, and limping, and I barely got home before you did. I hated myself for how my heart yanked when I saw you pull in.

I still do.

---

6/22/2019 I spent the day on my bike, trying to avoid you. Trying to avoid everyone and everything. I had three major breakdowns on the lake. I didn’t want to go back to Texas without my name change, and I knew I couldn’t stay in Minnesota without a major change. I was stuck, I was trapped, and gods I was so, so fucking scared.... and the one person I thought I would ALWAYS be able to count on was the one shoving me away.

---

6/23/2019 You told me that you thought I’d murder you; “wake up with a knife to my throat” if you’d ever said anything bad about my transition. Told me you “knew it was irrational” but the fear I saw in your eyes fucking BROKE me, again.

I’d never yelled at you. Never lifted my hand to you. Went out of my way to tell you when I knew I was being angry, or irrational, or afraid... suppressed my wilder emotions, did my best not to be possessive, or needy, or jealous, to let you choose and keep your own friends not to intrude on those spaces so you had things that were YOURS-

And it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. I wasn’t enough. Not good enough for the other half of my soul.... the one I bled poetry for. Ripped open my wounds and eviscerated myself to deal with the trauma and HEAL and it wasn’t fucking enough. Told you things I hadn’t told anyone, so you could really say you had informed consent before getting into a relationship with me. ...wrote you love songs.

I should have left the first time you laughed. fuck why didn’t i. I don’t know... I think I should have. I wish I had.

---

6/25/2019 You trapped me in the car on the way home from Mayo. I was in shock. I wasn’t processing any of it.... just that you were breaking up with me FOR GOOD. You made your decision, it was final, and you wanted me gone. It was real, and it was permanent, and you didn’t want to try anything else. That was the first night I slept on the couch. I wished I’d had the strength to do something, anything, to change your mind.

---

6/27/2019 One of my final appointments for my knee injury. I took you out to a nice late lunch/early dinner. I don’t know what fucking possessed me... I wanted to feel NORMAL.

---

6/29/2019 I asked for a reprieve. Nowhere was open and there was nowhere for me to go that I could afford. Six weeks... just six weeks, to get my papers and try to get out.

If only it had been that easy.

Somewhere, you shoved me into the basement because you didn’t want to look at me anymore. It was like living in a dungeon. Every single time I fell asleep there, on a stack of foam mattress toppers and random bullshit, I remembered that we were going to turn it into our den. Bright colors, soft things, warmth. Family. I laid in the half-light from those stupid leftover curtains and wished like hell I could actually cry. I just felt numb in a never ending cycle of panic and fear and numb. Somewhere in there, I called the crisis hotline, looking for a way out.... knowing if I stayed, I was going to kill myself.

You fucking broke me.

---

7/1/2019

Met up with C for lunch. Discussed a lot of things, took my mind off you. It was... not good. But it was better.

---

7/3/2019 Another therapy appointment. I still wonder if she told you to break up with me. Told you “it’s ok, there’s statistics to back you up~” just based on the shit you told me over those weeks. She told me I should have expected this. She told me that I should have known better than to transition. The therapist you chose said that to my face.... and asked me again if I was sure I wasn’t really a girl.

I see Breakaway at Ed’s, and dance with C and the Realm. We spend time on the river. Something bit me. Less than 36 hours later my entire arm is numb and I can’t feel anything.

I end up in the ER, and only by the grace of Sammi... because you didn’t want to help, and you didn’t even want to let them use your car at first. I started to hate you, then.

---

7/15/2019 The first “ok” day I’ve had since the breakup and it was speak with C at 3 pipes. Still upset, still angry, struggling to find my peace.

---

7/17/2019 Queer Dance Party at Ed’s. I feel free, for the first time in too fucking long. I dance with C and Cam, and something finally slots into place. I’m safe, and I have people who care about me. I spend the night being held, safe, and cared for.

---

7/19/2019 You try to give me an ultimatum. I want to hurt you, like I’ve been hurt, but all I do is go back to the basement. It’s easier, but I’m wishing for the safety and comfort of Anywhere But Here. I ask for my rings back. You seem pissed off that I want them... but fuck if I’ll leave that symbol in your hands when you’ve ripped out my heart so many times over the past two months, with not a single sign of remorse.

I call the Realm. They agree that I can move in.

---

7/23/2019 My first actual rave, and damn it I looked GOOD.

---

7/25/2019 I was breaking. Shattering under the weight of it all. Struggling to get out, trying to find literally ANYWHERE that would accept me for as long as it would take to get my fucking name changed and actually get back to Texas. I tried so fucking hard to find an AirBnB or a hotel that wouldn’t take my entire top surgery fund. It didn’t seem like you cared at all. You just wanted me gone.

I wanted my life back... ANY life back. And if I couldn’t have the old one, damn it I was going to MAKE one.

---

8/15/2019

My hearing. My name change.

It felt like a hollow victory. We were supposed to be celebrating... you looked like you couldn’t wait to get away from me. I wish it had been anyone there but you... your presence mades me sick, now.

---

8/16/2019

I had my labs at Mayo. C took me instead. I was grateful... but I was shaking in the endocrinologist’s office. How did my life go to pieces so fucking quickly? HOW?

She asked me if I felt safe at home, and I honestly had no answer.

Where even was home, anyway?

---

8/21/2019 Last day at the old job, and I swore I was going home to Duke.... and then the bitchy roommate moved out, and there was an empty room. It’s decided no, I will go VISIT Duke, and I will be staying right here in Winona.

I spend the night at Ed’s again, and see Ivory James and Anthony Worden and it was everything I needed right then.

---

9/22/2019

Dev comes to pick me up, and we ride on wings of Nahko Bear and Vienna Teng back down to Texas. I even drove a little bit, fancy that~ And I could feel the Morrígan’s wings spread around me... carrying me.

---

9/25-10/2/2019

I am with Duke, and the cats, and I got to see my friends, AND I got a new piercing. I came come to The Realm, spent time with the Goddess, and started rebuilding my sense of self worth, and unpacking a life. Again.

---

The fall was full of more music, more dancing, learning Flow Art, and picking up; and dropping; a few new lovers. Healing myself in the embrace of others who did, actually, want me. And made it VERY CLEAR that they wanted me.

I’m lucky enough that one of them STILL wants me.

---

Winter passed... I went hiking. I delved deeper into my spirituality. and I felt the Wheel turning under and around me. I’m still standing, fuck you.

---

I was part of a drag show. I dyed my hair. I picked up new skills. I celebrated the Solstice. I started a new job. I got health insurance. I put my life back together and I did it on my own two feet and FUCK YOU for trying to make me feel less.

FUCK YOU for trying to make me feel needy, and over sexual.

FUCK YOU for trying to make me out to be an abusive asshole for DARING to need my romantic partner in a physical way.

FUCK YOU for trying to make out my kinks to be abusive.

FUCK YOU for trying to imply that I would ever harm someone on purpose for SAYING SOMETHING TO ME.

FUCK YOU for literally every fucking thing you put me through you FUCKING ASSHOLE.

---

Maybe I won’t really heal until I leave Winona.

Maybe I don’t get to do more than exist until then.

But I’m still going to try.

#anatomy #Anatomy of a Breakup #Im so glad my tags for you no longer autofill #trauma #timelines

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