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eichy815 · 5 years

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He Ain’t Imaginary – He’s My Brother!

Originally Published on March 30, 2016 on Eichy Says

One of my biggest social pet peeves is the common depiction of males as needy children who are highly dependant on women for security and affection. We’ve all heard the gynocentric cliché:

“Men need women more than women need men.”

I find this generalization to be very insulting. It’s true that boys and men can become very close to our mothers, sisters, and (for the heterosexual dudes) wives. My own mom is one of the most important people in my life. And some of you know that I have one younger sister, who constantly entertains and reassures me.

But what about all of the women out there who make their husbands or boyfriends their priority in life – the same way men can make their wives or girlfriends their priority?

I’ve always wished I’d had a brother (or two, or three). In the same way I would have “imaginary friends” in middle school (since I found myself ostracized from so many social circles), I would also picture myself navigating my way through adolescence and horsing around with “imaginary brothers” of my own.

As a connoisseur of television, there are two particularly touching depictions of brotherhood that I’ve observed on two of my favorite TV shows.

The first is that experienced by Jude Adams-Foster (Hayden Byerly) on Freeform’s family drama, The Fosters. Jude is a young San Diego teenager who is just coming to terms with his homosexuality. He and his older biological sister are adopted into a household headed by two lesbians; Jude’s two older adopted brothers, Jesus (Noah Centineo) and Brandon (David Lambert), are compassionate toward his struggles and social challenges.

Jude, Brandon, and Jesus tease and quarrel with each other, just like any biological brothers would...but the fact that Jude is gay never stigmatizes the love that his two older adopted brothers have for him.

The second example is a more recent TV newcomer: ABC’s The Real O’Neals, a single-camera comedy that debuted earlier this month. Unlike The Fosters (which is more serious in tone), The Real O’Neals has a campier vibe in the rein of The Middle, Fresh Off the Boat, and The Goldbergs. Kenny O’Neal (Noah Galvan) is a gay Chicago teenager who has just come out to his Irish-Catholic family.

While Kenny’s mother is farcically homophobic, his older brother, Jimmy (Matt Shively), has given Kenny a ton of heartfelt-if-awkward support. Jimmy is a “dumb jock” archetype who has realized he’s borderline-anorexic; but Jimmy’s affection for Kenny – while sandwiched with fraternal ribbing and absurdities – doesn’t waver.

One of my greatest regrets in life is not having been able to grow up with a biological brother – or multiple brothers. I don’t fault my parents for this, as I can understand why any married couple would decide that two children are enough for them to handle.

On top of that, the fact that I’m not close to my dad – and that I don’t feel comfortable sharing intimate details of my life with him – is more of a testament to his own harsh personality.

I think that the void pervading my life due to the absence of having any older and/or younger brothers was a large motivation in my decision to pledge a fraternity in college. It’s also a driving force behind why I have closer platonic friendships with males (specifically those who belong to my own generation, and the generations bordering mine) compared to platonic friendships with females.

The fact that I’m gay is secondary to this dynamic...although it certainly does shape my perspective. There are many gay guys out there who feel more comfortable having mostly platonic female friends – so I’m certainly not claiming to experience the world’s only fulfilling dynamic of friendship.

Still, I won’t waver from my position that there are immensely compelling reasons why men need EACH OTHER just as much as we need women. I’m sure many females would, similarly, make the argument that women need EACH OTHER for support and camaraderie just as much as they need men for those purposes.

Some of the reasons why brotherhood can be so valuable and beneficial to those of us with Y-chromosomes:

MORAL SUPPORT

As much as females can offer us great friendships, you really have to be a dude to understand what life is like for other dudes.

Granted, not every male person is going to be compassionate or sympathetic; so not every guy would be an ideal friend or confidante. But, in general, there are certain topics about which we, as men, are going to be more open when we’re around one another in all-male spaces. If you’re skeptical: spend time (or plant a tape recorder) in any locker room or steam room. Although not every stranger will immediately open up to everyone around him, a lot of this deep dialogue tends to develop over time as we become better acquainted with other males in these types of environments.

SEX TALK

“Male-only” spaces also provide a “safe” place for guys to talk about sexual techniques, positions, or objects-of-our-affection. Granted, most of this open conversation will be heterosexual in nature. But even as a homosexual, I enjoy being included in these discussions because it shows me that my male friends (or even male acquaintances) are comfortable with me.

But there’s a deeper reason: growing up, I never had a male role model to give me “The_Sex_Talk.” Since my father and I weren’t close (and, subconsciously, he probably suspected and struggled with the possibility of me being gay), that never happened (and I’m glad it didn’t!). However, I definitely would have felt more secure and self-confident from a much younger age if I’d had a slightly-older brother to give me sex advice (yes, even if he was heterosexual and not speaking from his direct experience).

Dudes understand each other when it comes to our primal sexual needs: masturbation, aesthetic pleasure, foreplay, and climaxing. We even understand it, on a core level, when interacting with other dudes who happen to have different sexual orientations from our own. My heterosexual “bros” may not be able to share my experience of being attracted to people of the same sex...but they definitely can empathize with the importance of being sexually-satisfied. And, as you can imagine, my gay or bisexual “bros” are the ones with whom I can be even more open, regarding those topic areas.

BODY IMAGE ISSUES

A majority of men have hang-ups about our bodies...whether a guy is willing to openly admit it or not. We either want to lose weight (“slim down”), gain weight (“bulk up”), gain muscle, tone our abs and torsos, tone our buttocks and legs, et. al.

Machismo often makes men reluctant to discuss this subject, even amongst each other. Yet, whenever we are willing to open up to a close buddy (or a casual friend) about our body insecurities, it creates a healthy avenue of dialogue that we can then channel inward to pursue self-improvement.

Growing up, I was never athletic or coordinated. I also had severe dermatological problems: chronic acne on my back and chest. To this day, I still live with those physical (and emotional) scars. And, yes, contrary to popular belief, men do get stretch marks (although normally not with the same intensity as pregnant women do). If dudes would trust other dudes and support one another with positive reinforcements, we’d carry around a lot less stress on a daily basis. This is definitely something that would have benefited me, as a teenager, if I’d grown up with brothers to whom I could have confided about these things.

SHOPPING FOR CLOTHES

In general, males don’t seem to have the same love of shopping that women do. The exception to this rule would be some gay males who love to shop or embrace fashion trends – although, as I’d discussed in my column from last week, that’s still a homosexual stereotype that shouldn’t be automatically assumed...unless you’re aware of a specific gay guy’s personal interests.

I’ve always hated going shopping for clothes...especially with my parents. I don’t enjoy having female friends help me pick out clothing, either. In fact, whenever I go to a department store, I will do whatever I can to steer clear of having to ask the female sales associates for help. To this day, I wear clothing for as long as it will hold out (until it becomes torn or irreparably faded).

If I’d had brothers who could have helped me shop for my wardrobe, as a child and adolescent, perhaps I’d have a somewhat better sense of style today?

AN EMOTIONAL OUTLET

Unlike the title of the movie, boys do cry. It’s just that we’re often discouraged from doing so in front of other people...or in public. There’s still the societal implication that men are supposed to remain stoic and “tough.”

I’ll tell you what I would do, if a male buddy of mine came to me in tears: I’d put my arm around him, and talk with him about whatever was bothering him. And do my best to understand why his stressor is so significant. And then, try to help him find a solution.

RECREATIONAL DIVERSITY

As I’d mentioned earlier, I was never into sports as a kid. While I still don’t believe I necessarily needed to be involved with team sports during my K-12 years, I feel (looking back on it) that I could have benefited from casual recreational activities.

Whether it was tennis, ping pong, hacky sack, weight training, or racquetball – some of these activities might have done wonders for my social life as much as they would have for gaining better physical fitness. Having brothers close to my age with whom I could have done these things would have brought me tremendous personal growth.

To add to that: I never learned to comprehensively swim. Going to a swimming pool or waterpark with brothers – especially if they were the ones actually teaching me how to swim – would have made me extremely comfortable in my own body.

HORSEPLAY & CAMARADERIE

As I’ve gotten older and developed closer friendships with other dudes, one of things I’ve come to value is the opportunity to engage in male bonding opportunities. There are a lot of these activities that I still have yet to experience firsthand, and I still would like to – vacations, road trips, leisure time, and camping/outdoor excursions (but only when the temperature is warm or hot).

I’m sure there’s a female-only equivalent to this dynamic, between sisters or close female friends, as well.

One thing that a dude’s brothers (whether they’re biological or your non-familial “bros”) can give to us is a good dose of humility. Whether it’s making stupid/humiliating bets or daring each other to do crazy things – sort of like the guys from Impractical Jokers or The Janoskians. All the better if it gets videotaped and put on YouTube.

As you can imagine, if it’s just exclusively platonic gay or bisexual “bros” hanging out around each other...the hijinks and debauchery can become even more suggestive.

The unfortunate reality, for me, is that I can’t change how big of a family my parents decided to have.

However, I can embrace the opportunity to spend quality time with “surrogate” brothers – whether they’re fifteen years younger than me or fifteen years older than me.

I would encourage all of you males out there who are reading this to also consider embracing same-sex friendships; and, remember, an “intimate” friendship DOESN’T mean that the friendship is “sexual.”

Inevitably, there are differences in how I’ll conduct myself around my straight male buddies versus my bisexual or gay male buddies. With other gay/bi dudes, I know that I can tell raunchier jokes and be a lot more graphic when talking about sex.

But, regardless of one’s sexual orientation, males everywhere should consider redefining masculinity in terms of the other men to whom we relate, within our social circles.

Everyone has an ego, to one extent or another; the challenge is keeping one’s ego from spiraling out of control. That doesn’t mean we should avoid taking action to help others. On the contrary – being proactive is an important step when aiding friends in overcoming their obstacles. But the challenge – for men and women alike – is how to balance listening to others with finding actual solutions.

Males need to begin supporting other males whom we encounter outside of our biological families, fraternities, or houses-of-worship. The male bonding experience can be universal; sometimes, it can even include strangers or acquaintances.

There’s nothing wrong with friendly competition. But we shouldn’t allow a competitive spirit to overshadow valuing a friend’s self-worth.

We should respect each individual’s skill sets. Not every guy out there can run fast, speak articulately, shoulder heavy weights, swim in deep water, socialize suavely, drink liters upon liters of alcohol, or brainstorm solutions at lightning-speed.

Finally, none of us should be afraid to make ourselves vulnerable when in a “safe space.” I’ll admit that I’ve openly cried tears in front of fraternity brothers, when having an emotional crisis. And, while I still have a lot of insecurities over my body, I’ve gradually been learning how to not stay perpetually hidden behind that towel in the locker room.

Sometimes, dudes just need other dudes with whom we can share in some “guy talk.” And sometimes, it takes a good “bro-date” to get our minds off of life’s troubles.

So don’t crash the sausage party. There’s far more to life than just getting laid.

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