How to explain to normal people how deeply I relate to Maki Zenin and Sanemi Shinazugawa without sounding like I’m so fucking unstable and need therapy five times a week. How to explain that it’s not just the inherent anger with the world they feel, because I do fully fully relate to that as well but that’s surface level. Yes I am angry, but their reasons for the anger?? Their relationships to their younger siblings???? How the fuck am I supposed to say that I get it. I get that fucked up relationship to your younger siblings, and how so much of you hinges on that identity as the Eldest Sibling but specifically the failed eldest sibling. I so deeply understand Maki and her want to live for herself, damn the consequences her sister received for it, because it’s her life, if she wants to live it spiteful and angry and for herself and against her family in every way she damn well should be able to, who cares if her sister is dragged in and suffers for it. Who cares if she has to learn to grow up and suffer the same ways. Until suddenly you do care and by then it’s too late, you can’t go back, you can’t make it easier for her, you can’t make her happier, and by the time you maybe want to try it’s far too late. I understand Sanemi and the pain and anger you feel when you’ve watched your younger siblings suffer far too long before ultimately losing them and never getting the chance to help them live better. I get pushing them away from you and treating them far less than they deserve in an attempt to drive them away because you’re just going to make it worse, you’re living the hard life, you’re the target, you’re the bad influence, so if they’re not close to you, they’re less likely to get dragged in. But they do anyway and then you cut off that relationship for nothing but because they’re younger siblings they forgive you and still want it but you don’t deserve it so you don’t let them and it just keeps going and keeps going and keeps going and until you lose them forever. Until you’re the Eldest Sibling who no longer has younger siblings to be the Eldest Sibling for, you fucked it up and sure life didn’t help all that much but a good chunk of it is your own damn fault. And I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m so so so fine